Ch. 18:
SATURDAY EVENING:
He sits on one end of the couch while she lays on a pillow propped up against his side and wrapped snuggly in the fuzzy blanket she likes. Some movie is playing on the TV screen and he thinks it's a comedy but neither are paying it any attention, "Have you talked to your kids or Kathy since we left the park?"
"Yeah, they asked if they could have your number, told 'em I'd ask you if it was alright?"
"Kathy too?" Her voice is tight and she glances up at him in time to see him nod, "That's fine I have to thank them again anyways."
"You don't have to do that, you thanked everyone today before we left and then you had me text them when we got home, they wanted you there just as much as I did." He intertwines his hand with hers as she lays on her side facing the TV screen, "Your family, Liv—"
"They invited me when they didn't have to and they have to know how much that meant to me," she's quiet for a few minutes staring at the TV and then she sits up abruptly. "I could send each of them something…my bank is closed tomorrow but if I went on Monday—" Olivia runs a hand through her hair as her mind races as she stands, "I don't have my license though. Do you think they'd let me use a paper copy from Cragen, I remember my security questions? Or I could go—"
"Liv, stop. They don't need anything and they don't want anything, you don't have to do that with family they'd rather see you again than have you send them something."
Olivia shakes her head and he can already see the tears welling in her eyes, they've been somber since they've returned home and he knows tonight won't be easy for either of them. The images of the apartment is mental torture for him and he knows her mind is far darker. Then the trip to the cemetery was like reopening life-threatening scars for them.
"They have to know what they mean to me, I have the money it's just…he destroyed all my cards after he didn't need them anymore so I wouldn't have anything for myself."
"We'll figure out how to fix that situation on Monday but my kids don't want or need anything from you, other than to see you," Elliot's fingers loosely tangle with her fingers. "You don't have to buy their love, my kids love you cause your you and your infinitely cooler than dear old dad," he laughs rolling his eyes and she smiles.
They lay down early that night both positively exhausted from the fresh air, but mainly from their time in that apartment and then the cemetery. She falls asleep first but Elliot lies awake longer going through a horrible hour of being on the brink of sleep only to have his eyes snap open to confirm she's there, beside him wrapped in his arms. He buries his nose into the top of her head breathing her in and he tightens his arms around her before he finally feels himself drift off.
He climbs on top of her sneering down at her as he grinds his naked hips against hers, and she unsuccessfully tries to stifle a sob, and she squeezes her eyes shut as she feels him press against her. He slaps her cheek and she cries out and then his voice is in her ear, "Keep those eyes open, Detective Stabler wants to watch me fuck you—"
"—NO! He wouldn't—"
Another slap and he yanks her hair until she stares at the face of her former partner in the picture frame causing her to cry out louder, "He told me what a little whore you were." He picks up the frame shoving it into her face and she a raw sob releases from her lips, "Your precious 'El' told me he wanted to watch me fuck you," his hand grips chin and she stares into his cold, black eyes, "He told me how many guys you've been with." He leers at her and his voice drops lower and she cowers under him, tries to turn into the fetal position as her tears cloud her vision, "I know how he always wanted to fuck you for himself and you thought that he could really love you didn't you, how could a good Catholic man ever love you? Men don't love whores, men fuck whores."
She stares at Elliot's picture as he pushes inside of her and a lone tear trails down her cheek. He's still inside her grunting against her ear as she stifles a sob when she realizes that the bounds of duct tape around her wrists have magically disappeared, and she thanks him silently. The man may have left her without a word two years ago but she knows that somehow, it's him who has removed the duct tape, and she knows it's time to fight like hell.
Olivia fights back.
"Liv!"
She knees him the groin followed by a quick elbow to the jugular.
"Ow shit, Liv you gotta wake up!"
She cries out as he stands again the beating hasn't affected him, hasn't hurt him in the slightest. He wipes a drop of blood from his lip and grins at her, "Now I really am going to torture you," he moves towards her ominously and she sobs as she curls into a ball against her headboard.
"STOP!"
"I won't touch you, I promise but Liv you gotta—" her face twists in pain and her right arm grips her left, "Liv. Olivia!"
He lays her out stretching her limbs to the for corners of the bed, and she sobs, twisting and turning as he wraps duct tape around her, "You should've never hit me, you little bastard! You look just like him don't you? That's why even your mother couldn't love a face like yours, why she had to burn you. I bet she didn't even smoke. That's how you know she really hated you. She spent her money on cigarettes just so she could have fun knowing that no man could ever love you, but you never learned, did you? You still believe Elliot Stabler could love you—"
Her body is sprawled out like a large X on his bed and her head is the only part of her that moves—shoulder to shoulder—and he lifts her cradling her in his arms.
"No! NO, I DON'T!"
She frails against him but her limbs go slack and she grips her left arm to her chest. He pulls the comforter down to where they're sitting against the side of her bed, and he wraps her up in the comforter.
He yanks her as he slams into her again, and she sobs, still shaking her head as her limbs cry out in pain.
"You're worthless. 'El' told me he wished he could be here, but you weren't worth his time."
She sobs as she feels him climax inside her and her brain is minefield that she's attempting to cross and then
"Come on Liv, open up your eyes for me. Let me see those beautiful brown eyes of yours," he wraps his arms around her trembling body. "It's just me, it's just Elliot."
Her nose buries in his neck and she sobs, "El…I'm sorry help me…please help me, Elliot."
"Right here Liv, I'm here just open up your eyes—"
A hoarse sob releases from somewhere deep inside her, "Where—" she pushes against his chest and her eyes dart furiously around the lit room. Her eyes find his for a moment before panic sets in again, and she's pushing away from him, terror coating her voice, "Lewis…he's here."
"No," her head shakes frantically and she's pushing to try and stand but her body is trembling and her legs are shaky. He wraps his arms around her and her body is rigid as her eyes continue to dart frantically around the room, "Liv…Liv look at me." He waits until her eyes finally land on his, "Good nobody is here with us, it was a nightmare a terrible one but just a nightmare," she sobs into his neck and he pulls the comforter around her tighter.
He slips his hand into her hair and her tenses further and he's removing his hand before she tells him, "Don't. Don't touch my hair."
"I'm sorry," he rests the hand against the middle of her back while his other grips her upper arm and she shrugs, he bends his head to kiss her forehead gently, "You wanna talk about it? You kept saying my name, was I—"
Her sob cuts him off, and she shakes her head, "Don't."
They sit there until the sun comes up and his legs went numb hours ago, and her tears dried quickly, but she sat there shuddering in silence. He realizes that he hates the silence the most.
Olivia's brain was a never-ending movie of torture and yet she refused to talk, gave him one-word answers or complete silence. The only relative comfort that they both had was the fact that she was still letting him touch her, and Elliot wasn't about to let his numb legs or bruised tailbone ruin this one comfort.
"Liv?"
"You want me to call Ava?"
She stands heading into the bathroom and her voice is shattered, "She won't help on a Sunday, I'll be fine."
"Can I still call her and ask?"
"Yeah, but she won't."
His body is slow and sluggish and he takes two Advil's while he waits for her to appear before he makes the coffee, "You ready for some coffee?"
"El?" He looks up at her as she cowers in the doorway of his kitchen, "Thank you for staying up with me."
The coffee pot beeps and he grabs two mugs from the cabinet and then fixes it the way he knows she prefers it before he hands it to her, "No place else I'd rather be. You aren't alone in this."
"I can't believe you just held me for hours, nobody has ever done that for me…hell nobody does a quarter of the things that you've been doing for me lately."
"Ava asked if we could come this morning."
She looks up in disbelief. "It's Sunday."
"She's in her office though for a few hours usually transcribing stuff cause her husband works on Sundays, so she tries to get stuff done when he's working so his days off can be hers."
Ava appears in the doorway of her office when they walk in, she's in jeans and a burgundy sweater and she smiles at the brunette, "Hey Liv, you ready?" Nods.
Olivia sits on the couch staring at her hands, "Thank you for seeing me, El said you try to get work done on Sundays but still I'm sure this isn't what you intend."
"I asked Elliot if you would come here today, he actually didn't even ask about an appointment," Olivia's head lifts to look at her, "He didn't tell you?"
"No, what did he…what did he ask about if it wasn't for an appointment?"
"He told me about yesterday and then he said that you had a horrible nightmare and he asked how he could help you, I asked if you would come in to see me."
"Did I hurt him…did he tell you if I hurt him?" Her eyes are nervous as she stares at into the other woman's green eyes, "I couldn't bring myself to ask him."
"He told me that you were screaming and hitting him—"
Olivia can suddenly only hear blood rushing in her ears and she feels like she's in a tunnel, and her voice is high, "Did I…I thought I was hurting him, it was so real except…"
"Except when?"
"When the duct tape around my wrists disappeared, I thought it was El…I thought he was helping me but it wasn't, I should've known better…" her voice is defeated as she stares at her lap. "I hurt him, how do I apologize for that?"
"Liv—"
"He's gonna think I'm a monster," she pushes her hand into her hair as she rubs her hands against her sweats and her voice is softer, "He's gonna make me leave."
"I doubt that and you're not a monster, Liv."
"He won't want to hold me anymore though," she stands pacing in the small area between the couch and the coffee table and the nervous energy is palpable, "Do you think he'll tell Brian?"
Ava looks up and flips through her notes, "Who is Brian? Have you…" she's skimming through her pages of notes, "I don't think you've mentioned him before?"
"My boyfriend. He hates that I'm staying at Elliot's he thinks I should be at his apartment he doesn't—do you think El is gonna tell him?"
"Do you?"
She slips her hand into her hair, "No."
Ava smiles softly at Liv as she nods, "Good because I think Elliot is fiercely protective of you and I don't think there's anything you could do that would change his opinion of you."
"I hurt him though, I hurt him like they hurt me. I can't just apologize for that and expect him to be able to—"
"It was a nightmare and you were fighting off a very real threat and Elliot is aware of that, he didn't call today because he was worried for himself, he was worried about you. He said you were screaming his name and he was worried that he was hurting you in the dream, and when you finally woke up you wouldn't talk to him. He wanted to know how he should help you," Ava's voice is soft and it makes Olivia stop pacing while she listens.
She wraps her arms around herself and Ava writes something down, "It wasn't El who was hurting me, but Lew…Le..." she sighs as she falls onto the other end of the couch. Her elbows rest on her knees as her hands fall into her hands and she mumbles annoyed with herself, "I said his name earlier… I thought he was there with us and I said it, but now I can't get his name out. I couldn't tell Elliot what he was saying to me in the dream, I haven't been able to tell him what he said to me at all."
"I thought you've talked to him about what hap—"
The brunette sighs, aggravated and she tries again, "I have…I do but never about what he said…or what I confessed, and I confessed so much and I can't…" she shrugs.
"Why not?"
"Terrifies me. El used to tell me how great I turned out and I wanna hear him say it again and I don't think he will if he knew…when he finds everything out, it's gonna change everything."
"Has he said it since he's come back to you?" Head shake. "Have you asked him to?"
"How do I ask for that? I don't want him to think of me as even more needy than I already have been with him."
The red-haired woman writes something down again, "Do you think he'd deny you, that he doesn't feel that way anymore?"
"No," her voice is raw and low.
"Ask him. Ask him and trust him enough to know that he won't let you down, that he won't fail you." What else did he say to you in the dream?"
Olivia shakes her head and her fingers tangle in her hair, "Can I ask you a question?" Her voice is low and detached like she's expecting the other woman to decline her, "I need to know something."
"Sure, Liv. Ask whatever you want, and I'll do my best to answer you."
"Can you turn it off for just a—"
Ava stands and clicks off the tape recorder, "You hold onto it, Liv," she hands it to her before she returns to her seat across the room, "What's your question?"
She tucks the recorder under her arm staring at a spot on the floor and her voice is detached, "Have you ever…can people who were sexually abused and raped as kids ever have a healthy sex life? I never get to see it but can I—I mean…fuck!" Olivia digs her fingers into her scalp, "I'm so fucking stupid—I just wanna know if I can ever not be a whore?"
"You aren't stupid and you aren't a whore," the brunette glances up at her for a moment, "You were molested?" Olivia's head falls against her fist and she nods a little, "Raped?" A sob and a nod, "Before him?"
"Yeah," her voice is devastatingly low and broken.
Ava stands moving the box of Kleenex that was on the coffee table to the couch beside her, "Who hurt you? A family member?"
"My mom used to bring home guys from the bar and after they were done fucking or she passed out most of them would come knocking on my door. I thought she didn't know that she was too drunk, that she didn't know what was happening," she presses fists into her eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the tears. "The one night the guy she'd brought home had a thing for kids and she pointed him to my room…she didn't even care. The older I got the more I was expected to do if they wanted it, she promised them whatever they wanted as long as she got her alcohol."
"Why would your mother do that to you?"
"She told me once that it was my price to pay for looking like the man who raped her, that I had to earn my keep for her having to deal with me every day. My mom was blonde, fair-skinned, and gorgeous even if she was a raging alcoholic she was always gorgeous, always elegant. Serena Benson always turned heads anywhere she went, and I looked like scum and she was too beautiful and too elegant to love scum."
Ava writes something down and then she asks softly, "What's your question again, Liv? I want to answer it for you."
"I just need to know if—he told me that 'men don't love whores, men fuck whores,'" a sob breaks and breathes in a deep breath, "I just wanna know if I can be loved?"
Ava writes something and Olivia wads some Kleenex in her hand and presses her face into her balled-up fist, her eyes are squeezed shut as she waits, "Liv you're not a whore—"
"I just want to know if I anyone could ever love me or if I'm too broken for anyone to spend their time repairing?"
"No, you're not broken. Any guy would be lucky to have you as a wife, and I know one who has had that privilege and I know he thinks the world of you—"
Olivia looks up alarmed and her voice is high-pitched, her words hurried, "He doesn't know you can't tell—"
"I won't, that's up to you. You should know though, he would understand and he wouldn't see you as less than," Ava's eyes stare into the brunette's and she waits until the other woman nods before she sets her pen down. "I have some homework for you, if that's alright?"
"I thought I already had homework?"
Ava nods and her smile is assuring and kind, "It won't take you long, I promise. I don't like how you refer to yourself verbally and if I could read your mind I know your internal dialogue would be even worse. I'd like to ask you to list 10-15 words that you would use to describe yourself, words that internally say to yourself. If you do it before Thursday or Friday morning," Ava side-eyes her and Olivia releases a wet laugh, "You could try and change some of the negative descriptors by using more positive internal dialogue."
"Thank you for today, it helped," her chocolate brown eyes meet green and the other woman nods with a smile. Her mouth opens and then closes and Ava watches her closely and she tries and fails to find the words to communicate her last request.
"What is it, Liv?"
She stares at the wad of Kleenex in her hands, "Can you…I don't want El to see me like this…I want to go to the bathroom and…"
"Oh," Ava nods understandingly, "How about I send him to go get the car, will that work?" Nods. Ava walks out into the waiting room and Olivia can hear her ask him if he'd pull up the car, she can imagine that Elliot wants to push but all she hears is his agreement.
"Was he annoyed or—"
Ava shakes her head, "No he said he'd be out in front waiting for you."
Olivia climbs into the warm truck ten minutes later and her face had been scrubbed raw, in the bathroom down the hall from Ava's office. Elliot hadn't mentioned it and she was thankful that she had one person in this world who understood when she didn't want to talk.
"Did it help?"
"Yeah." She stares out the window and they return to silence, it blankets the car and it isn't until they're just a few blocks from his condo when she whispers, "Thanks for waiting."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No."
Olivia refills her water in the kitchen while he's making a snack a few feet from her and her voice is distant, "I'm gonna go to bed."
"Do you want me to—"
"No."
He means to lay down early, he obviously hadn't slept well the previous night but instead he stays up well past midnight searching and reading countless articles and academic papers until his head spins. He was an SVU Detective for over a decade and a cop for even longer, so most of what he reads is just a repeat of what he already knows from somebody who calls themselves a "doctor."
Since he last slept in the guest room the mattress has gone lumpy, the pillows have turned into pancakes, and he can't help the tears that roll down his cheeks. His dreams are plagued with thoughts of her taped to a chair, that picture of them on the nightstand, and why it had been in her room at all.
MONDAY MORNING:
Elliot finds her staring out the family room windows when he appears at just after six and she jumps a little, glancing at him apprehensively, "Did you sleep, Liv?"
"No," she mumbles and glances to the kitchen and then to the near empty mug she's holding, "I made coffee I hope that's—"
"It is and thank you."
Her eyes watch him as he walks back into the room with his mug and sits on the couch, "Did you sleep well?"
He takes a long sip of coffee before he places it onto the end table beside him, "No."
"Did I keep you up?"
He glances at her curiously and she drops her eyes to her empty mug, "No, just my mind couldn't turn it off last night." He glances down at the piece of paper on the coffee table, numbered one to fifteen but otherwise its blank, "What's this?"
She sits on the other end of the couch and places her mug on the coffee table before she grabs the pad of paper turning it upside down and her voice is low and defeated, "Ava gave me homework—"
"I thought you already had homework?"
Her voice lights up a tad and she shifts to face him and her legs stretch out on the middle cushion, "That's what I said too!" He smiles a little and she pushes her toes into his thigh gently, the motion is both an apology and a plea for him to touch her, to comfort her without her having to ask.
The somber mood returns and she wraps her arms around herself as she involuntarily trembles, "Apparently I don't talk about myself in the nicest way, Ava wants me to write down fifteen words I use to describe myself."
"That actually seems like it'd be interesting."
She shrugs flipping the pad of paper over and stares at the numbers she's written, "You don't have to do it though."
He realizes that she's reaching out for help from the depths of mind and he loosely intertwines his hand with the hand resting on her leg, "This okay?" Nods. Her phone buzzes beside her and he watches her face fall a slightly, "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, Cassidy wanted to have lunch today, I canceled it last night and he's annoyed with me apparently I haven't been very good about communicating lately…along with everything else I never do right." A bitter laugh pushes through her lips for just a moment before she bites her lower lip, "I guess that's why I got more homework huh?"
Elliot's face turns stony and his eyes harden, "Is that why you didn't sleep? I know you love him but you deserve more compassion when—"
"He's just annoyed and I told you he doesn't know how to deal with this stuff. He's never been good with…with the…" her mouth clamps shut for a moment and her whisper is a devasting admission, "Victims."
"You do better for the ones you love, Liv. Even if you think you suck at it, you try to do better even if it's hard he should never make you feel less than," his words are blunt but his tone is soft and comforting.
She tightens her grip around his larger hand and leans into the cushions of the couch and her eyes close for a minute, his words send a warmth around her that feels like a blanket. Her breathing slows for a moment and she tries to imprint the words and the feeling that overcame her body, so she'll have them forever. When she'll replay this scene in her mind it won't be quiet right and the feeling won't be quiet as warm as it was when he'd said it and she knows it'll feel like a stab wound to her heart, but still she tries.
"Writing this down on paper terrifies me, it's like admitting secrets that only I know and I'm worried that soon there'll be nothing left of me that's just for me."
"I'll do it with you that way you aren't the only one losing some secrets."
Her eyes open slowly and she takes him in, his eyes are sincere and understanding like he knows how it feels being asked to give up parts of yourself for someone else, "Why?"
Elliot stands grabbing a pad of paper for himself and he sits back down beside her, "After everything, this seems like a good activity for both of us."
"You don't have to share it with Ava though like I do, so you'll still get to keep yours even if you write them down you can rip them up and they'll still be yours. Mine stop being mine on Friday afternoon," her voice lacks emotion and she speaks in simple facts, like it's black and white, and he realizes that it is for her.
"You can read mine," he squeezes her hand and a soft smile appears across his lips.
Her exhausted eyes meet his and she regards him critically, "She wants me to try and be more positive with how I refer to myself throughout the week, you gonna do that too?" Nods. His partner sighs and shifts uncomfortably but her voice is more assertive when she speaks again, "I have to be honest about this and it isn't some joke, it's my recovery and if—"
"I know that Liv and I wouldn't joke about your recovery," he releases her hand and her face drops again at the loss of touch, "I can go first if you want and then you can read mine before you do yours. That way you'll know that I'm serious and you don't have to go first, going first is always the worst you have no idea what to expect or how other people are going to react."
"Thanks, El."
He starts his list when she goes to take a shower and by the time, she returns with her damp hair resting against her shoulders and dressed in a fresh pair of sweats, his list is sitting on the coffee table. He's in the kitchen and he smiles at her as she lifts the folded paper, "Want another cup of coffee? I'm gonna make a fresh pot."
"Yeah, thanks."
He watches her stare at the piece of paper in her hands but she hasn't opened it, "You can read it."
"Does this mean that you get to read mine?"
He grabs their mugs from the family and is walking back to the kitchen to refill them when he turns around, "No, Liv. I expect nothing."
He stands in the kitchen busying himself with pulling out the milk and sugar again and he sees her sit down on the couch and from the corner of his eye watches her open the folded paper slowly.
DAD/GRANDPA
ANGER
FAITH
EMOTIONALLY CLOSED-OFF
LIV'S PARTNER
FAILURE
WEAK
ABANDONED LIV
FEAR
HELPFUL
WORRIED
FOUNDATION
HOPEFUL
LOYAL
FAILED HER
He hands her the mug and sits beside her on the couch as she stares at the list in her hands, "I thought you were joking about this," she whispers her confession. "I don't really know what to say cause…when you said that you'd go first and do this for me I thought you were gonna do something mean."
"I told you I wouldn't," he says softly and even though there's only the slightest bit of space between them he doesn't touch her, she shrugs her fingers run over his words. "Just couldn't bring yourself to believe it?" Nods.
"I have to somehow force myself to physically write 15 words that I call myself, call the DMV, call the bank, and all I wanna do sleep but I can't," she curls into him a little seeking comfort and warmth. "Can I keep your list?" Her nose is buried into his arm and her voice is mumbled like she's ashamed of even asking him the question and he whispers a soft 'yeah, Livia' into her hair and kisses her head, "Thank you."
His hand settles gently on her knee and she leans against him, sighing as her eyes close, "You want me to give you some privacy?"
"Stay please? He'll come back if you leave me alone and all I need is five minutes to rest my eyes and then I'll get everything done…I promise." Her voice is mumbled and he can tell she's on the verge of falling asleep, her body seemingly making the decision for her.
He reaches behind her grabbing the warm, fuzzy blanket from the back of the couch and covers them both before he wraps his arms around her succumbing to promise of sleep.
They had slept until the early afternoon and then had spent an aggravating two hours attempting to explain to the DMV and the bank why she was no longer living at the address listed. The DMV had told her she'd have to come down and fill out a change of address form and be issued a new temporary license, and the bank was checking their policy regarding a temporary license.
Olivia had hot, frustrated tears rolling down her face as she slammed her hand against his kitchen table, and her voice pierced his ears as she yelled about it being her money. It was yet another reminded that she was completely at the mercy of somebody else to provide her with her most basic needs because she couldn't access a FUCKING penny. He'd heard her door slam moments later followed by the sound of the lock, and he knew that she didn't want to talk, she wanted to be scream and yell because it was better than the fear.
He sat in his kitchen presumably working on preparing dinner but really, he was spending his time staring at the screen of his laptop, reading some article about childhood trauma. He reaches a heading titled, 'Childhood Sexual Abuse, Molestation, and Rape', and he's just about to scroll past it but he stops himself when an unwelcome thought forces itself into his brain. He hears her door open and just barely manages to lock his computer, before she appears in the doorway as he's closing the lid, gripping a piece of paper in her hands.
"Hey."
The brunette stares down at the folded paper in her hands, "I did it but I have nowhere safe to put it so I guess you can read it cause otherwise—"
"I wouldn't read it and I have a safe in your room, you can put it in there I'll show you where it is and how to reset the code." He opens the drawer of the nightstand on her side of the bed and punches the code into the small square safe and then he backs away, "I should've offered it beforehand—"
"You couldn't have known that I'd be completely broken that I couldn't even trust you with a stupid list of words," she spits the words out but her face is pained, like she's torturing herself. "Besides it isn't my home you just keep giving me your stuff out of…I suppose the kindness of your heart, but it doesn't make it true though."
Elliot turns to leave the room but he stops and his hands gently settle on her upper arms, just enough to make her want more affection but she knows he won't. "This is your home too and I'm getting a key for you, the building manager is dragging his feet but I'm on his ass," a chuckle pushes through her lips and she grins up at him nodding a little. A grin appears across his lips and he lets go of her arms to move to the door but he stops again and his lips land on her head, "Be nice to yourself, and Liv? You aren't broken."
She presses her head against his lips for just a moment longer before she pulls away and nods, "I'll try, I'll be there in just a minute I just wanna put this away."
"Put whatever you want in there, I know it isn't huge especially with the Glock but—"
"You sure you wanna leave that in there if you don't know the code?" Her eyes glance up and search his, "Do you still trust me enough?"
"You were always a better shot than me, nobody else I trust more than you." He's walking out the door when he stops and looks at her over his shoulder and his voice is light, "Oh and Liv? I still remember my badge number and my birthday I'm not that old yet."
Her laugh is bright and airy and when she looks over her shoulder, and he finds that her eyes are glimmering, "Asshole now get outta here because this may take me a couple minutes.
He's standing in the kitchen fixing their plates when he hears her door open and she appears a moment later in the doorway, "Thanks for making dinner again."
"Don't worry about it I like to cook its the thing I love the most when the kids are here and the thing I miss the most when they aren't, I love being able to cook like this for you." He turns on some random comedy show and they eat dinner in front of the TV, "I have to go to Eli's school tomorrow."
Her brown eyes meet his, "For the dyslexia?"
His eyes fall away from hers but he can feel her staring at him, "Yeah…Kathy and I have a meeting about his IEP."
"I'm sorry that I haven't asked about it, do you…do you wanna talk about it, El?"
"I'm just worried that kids are going to ostracize him for something that he can't control, kids can be mean—" she scoffs and nods her head, "How do I protect him from that?"
"You dealt with Katie's bipolar—"
"That was in her teens and college, it was hard…but he's just a kid not even six yet, ya know? Lizzie wrote her letters backwards and we never experienced that with Maur or Katie and I was so terrified that she'd be different. Now Eli," he grips the back of his neck massaging the stiff muscles, "I don't want him to hate learning just because he has dyslexia he loves school, he has friends, and he's so curious about everything I don't want him to lose that."
"He's loved, El. He's insanely loved and they can get him the best technology, hell you'll get him the best technology you know that, you'll get him whatever he needs to succeed so he doesn't feel different. Kids are mean and you can't protect him from that, but he'll learn how to deal with the bullies and he'll be come out stronger if he's anything like his namesake," she elbows him in the arm and they laugh.
"Were you good in school? I mean you must've been, right?"
She shrugs, "I guess?"
"Liv, I mean come on you can speak four languages, went to college, and National Honor Society," his voice is light and dripping with amazement and pride as he recounts her achievements.
"I was a loner, El. I spent most of my time either fighting for her mother's love or fighting for a way out," she shrugs staring down at her hands.
"Do you think we would've been friends…in high school I mean?"
"Well, freshman and seniors don't usually—"
He nudges her gently and she laughs, "You're only a year younger than I am! Come on seriously, would we've been friends?"
"You were a jock and I was a nerd who tried to go through my entire life to that point being invisible, the best I can hope is that you wouldn't have been one of the bullies."
"I think you forget that I had a substantial interest in keeping my home life separate from the popular jock who played football if anything, you would've intimidated me." She rolls her eyes at him as a hesitant smile appears across her lips and his eyes are sincere, "I mean come on you speak four languages when I can barely speak one, NHS, and college-bound."
Her laugh is soft as the side of her body against his, "Maybe we would've been friends."
Ch. 19:
After Olivia heads off to bed and makes it clear to him that she is fine without him with her, he sits in the family room staring at his computer screen. It's past midnight when he hears her door open, and she appears in the family room looking soft and vulnerable, and he keeps his voice soft, "Hey. I thought you went to bed?
"Couldn't sleep," she stares down at her hands, and he realizes she isn't wearing the splint, "Did my exercises for my arm instead."
He nods even though she doesn't look up at him, and he closes the lid of his laptop, placing it on the coffee table, "Wanna sit, Liv?"
She walks towards him cautiously, like she thinks he's going to pull the rug out from under her, and he reaches for her hand when she's close enough, "Am I bothering you?" He shakes his head. "You were on your laptop though were you—"
"No," his voice is raspy and low, "I was just doing some research."
She turns around and begins to pull away to go back the way she came, and her voice is tight and packed with emotion, "Oh…I can leave you alone, I'm sorry I didn't—"
"Trauma can lead to touch starvation," his voice is soft, and he's barely holding back his own emotion but still she jumps, her body tensing.
"I'm fine, El. It's just some diagnosis so I don't feel like I'm so fucked up, it doesn't matter."
"Especially child…" his voice cracks, and he sucks in a breath, and her head falls, her back still turned away from him sitting on the edge of his couch, "Especially childhood trauma."
"El—"
"It happened to you, didn't it?"
"A lotta stuff happened when I was a kid—"
"I'm not talking about stuff, Liv! I'm talking about—"
"I know! I know what you're asking me! I know what trauma you're talking about, and I can't talk about it, don't you get that?!"
"With me? You can't talk about that with me?"
"I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone. I buried it so deep that I thought I was going die with this secret," she laughs bitterly and he stares at her back, "Two people have found out within the last two weeks, I can't deal with you too."
"I would never—"
"We did the same job and were partners for thirteen years, and then you left me without a word for two years only to turn back up again, and be this incredible friend while my life has crumbled around me. I want some semblance of who we used to be. Cragen is going to let me come back on Monday if everyone agrees," He knows only Ava's recommendation matters, "But I'm going back a victim."
"Liv—"
"I'm a victim, Elliot! You know it, I know it, my partner knows it, Brian knows it, Cragen knows it, IAB knows it, hell, everyone knows it! No matter what the hell I do…no matter what promotions I achieve, I'm a victim, and that'll never leave my jacket, I don't care what those people think of me. I won't care when Tucker makes thinly veiled accusations that me being a victim is why I toed the line, why I took or didn't take some shot."
She crosses her arms in front of her, and she looks formidable as he stares up at her and his voice is sincere, "I don't see you as a victim—"
"Why do you think I'm still here? You don't coddle me but you're always there and even when you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, you don't get that look like you're worried I'm going to break."
"Liv, I don't understand what this has—"
She sighs frustrated and pushes a hand into her hair and her chocolate brown eyes stare into his blue, "There were moments during our partnership when I wanted to tell you. I always got scared, and I'd bury it deep until the next time it rose to the surface, but I've written our conversation in my head so many times, edited it, rewrote it, and you know what I've realized?"
He shakes his head and after a moment his voice soft and desperate, "What Liv?"
"When I tell you, I won't be able to stop myself just like I couldn't stop myself with him I felt like I told him everything when I was in that house. I know I forgot some things and other things…I can't remember…I can't differentiate if I told him certain things, or if I just thought about telling him. The alcohol and drugs he kept pushing down my throat…they made everything cloudy and I can't...tell the difference." Her eyes are troubled and dark in the low-lit family room, and he wants to turn on a light but he thinks that any movement may have her scurrying into hiding, "I just need to…I just need…"
"What do you need?"
"I need to know that you understand why I can't tell you yet," he nods, and she sighs in relief and she can't hide the yawn that pushes through her lips.
"Let's go to sleep, Liv." They stop outside her room, and he's about to continue walking towards his room when her fingers wrap tightly around her wrist, "Liv?"
"Don't leave me," her voice is low and desperate. "Please?"
They lie down, but he doesn't relax beside her even though her head rests against his chest. His arms are loose around her, and she sighs exasperatedly, "Why aren't you holding me like normal?"
"I am. I have my arms—"
She pushes herself up so she's staring down at him, and even in the well-lit room, her eyes are dark, and the look on her face can only be described as livid, "No you aren't! You're barely holding me, and your body's rigid like I'm forcing you to be in here with me. If you don't want to be in here then fucking tell me, but don't act like this is normal!"
"I don't want to hurt you again." He stares into her fiery black eyes, and his voice drops lower and tears fill his eyes, "I don't want to hear you scream my name like that again. You had the nightmare, but I had to listen to it, and your screams are going to haunt me cause I know I must've been hurting you—"
"No!" Olivia shakes her head decisively and her voice lowers, "You were not hurting me I know that I haven't told you a lot. I know that I've been needy and selfish, that I ask for comfort without talking or without answering your questions, but no matter what he said or did, I never thought it was you hurting me. I'm struggling to keep my head above the water, but I have never believed that you hurt me or that you would've hurt me. You have to believe me."
He watches her eyes change from a black back to the chocolate brown as sincerity floods her eyes, "I believe you, but I don't wanna hurt you."
A tear rolls down his cheek, and her hands settle on his face staring into his watery eyes, "The only way you hurt me is if you start acting like I'm gonna shatter. You haven't belittled me since you walked back into my life. Please don't start now, I get enough of that from other people. I can't deal with it coming from you."
He nods once, and his voice is packed with emotion and rough, "Lay back down, Liv," she eyes him for a moment before she lays back onto her pillow. He tugs her hand gently until her head settles back on his chest, his arms wrap around her securely, and she sighs into his chest.
TUESDAY MORNING:
"What time do you have to leave?"
"9:15, 9:30 by the latest?" The clock on the microphone says it's 8:45 and she nods while he takes a sip of coffee.
"You sure you want me here alone? I can go for a walk or…I don't think Brian works until the night shift, I can see if he—"
He watches her push the eggs around her plate with her fork and he keeps his voice casual, "Yeah enjoy having the place to yourself, Liv."
She scoffs and rolls her eyes, "Anything better than not having a panic attack and being curled in a ball when you get home will be considered a success."
Elliot reaches across the table and squeezes her hand, "I know."
Olivia is in the kitchen busying herself with cleaning up the mess from breakfast when there's a knock on the door about an hour later and she jumps gripping the kitchen sink. She tightens her grip on her phone and has the thought that she should grab his gun sitting in the safe, but she argues she's being irrational tells herself he lives in a safer building. Olivia peers through the peephole and her heart begins to race for a completely different reason as she stares through the peephole at the boy…the man on the other side. He's waiting patiently and when she finally has enough dexterity in her fingers to flip the locks on the door she does, "Dickie?"
He laughs and grips the back of his neck, as his cheeks heat, "Hey, Liv. Only family gets to call me that now."
"Old habits I'm sorr—"
"Your part of my family so you're pre-approved, Liv," he smiles at her soft and kind and she finds herself smiling back, "I hope I'm not interrupt—"
Her hand grips the door and she feels the anxiety begin to rise, starts from her feet and travels through her body, settling in her stomach. "No," her voice is low and she wishes Elliot was there, he'd know what to do, he'd be able to mediate between his eldest son and her, "Your dad isn't here right now though, but you can—"
"I'm here to see you actually, if that's alright?" Nods. He takes a small step forward but stops glancing at her, "May I come in?"
The anxiety swirls around in her gut and suddenly there's a pit in her stomach but she nods and steps aside and lets the door close behind him, "Did something happen? Are you in troub—"
"No, I was just hoping to talk to you for a minute if you don't mind?" He watches her eyes glance nervously between him and the door, "Do you…we could go for a walk outside?"
Her head shakes a little, "No, that's okay can you uh…lock the door knob though? Don't do the chain though cause then El…your dad can't…get in…" her voice trails off in a whisper and she watches him flip the lock. She wrings her hands together as they glance around the entryway before she finally asks softly, "Should we sit down?"
"Sure, Liv," his voice is wrapped in understanding and sincerity but she still waits for him to move toward the family room before she follows. He stops at the kitchen and glances behind him to where she stopped a few feet behind him, "I'm gonna get something to drink, you want anything?"
"I'm good," she waits for him to grab a bottle water from the fridge and then she continues to follow him to the family room. He takes a seat in the over-stuffed chair leaving the couch for her and she wants to thank him, express her gratitude that she needed that separation but the words won't come out of her mouth. The younger man takes a sip of his water and she glances at her phone to find that it's 11:30 and she hopes that the meeting has ended by now.
"Liv?" His voice is like a knife though paper and it causes her to jump, "Sorry I didn't mean to—"
"No, it was my fault I was in my head…what's…are you sure everything is alright?" Nods. The anxiety rolls again and now it moves over her like a gigantic rock crushing everything in its path, "Dickie if this about me being—staying here with your dad—"
"I wanted to apologize for what I said as a teen, for asking you if you'd ever…slept with your partner. I was an asshole to you and you didn't deserve that especially after everything you did for my family," his voice is low but his eyes are sincere.
"Thank you, you didn't have to come here just for that though—"
He rubs his hand over his military-styled buzzcut and his hand lands on the back of his neck, "I wanted to do it in-person. I was gonna do it at the park but every time we were alone it wasn't for long and my dad texted us your number but it felt…" he waves his hand as his voice trails off and she nods a little.
"Like it wasn't enough?"
"Yeah," he smiles at her softly and takes another sip of the water, "I'm sorry though, I shouldn't have ever said that to you—"
"I wouldn't have ever done that to your family, you guys were like my family—"
"You're still family, Liv and this time there's no…we won't take advantage of you like we have in the past."
Her eyes meet his and she wonders how she never noticed how similar his eyes are to his father's, "I need you to know that I never would've never jeopardized that, your and neither would your dad. I only ever wanted him to be happy and you kids and your mom made him happy and I don't know what—"
"Their divorce wasn't because of you, they just realized that they were better as friends, and they were right because they are better as friends. We don't care my mom is happy and engaged, but my dad…I don't think he's met anyone since the divorce, he says he's happy focusing on his company and us."
Her voice is a whisper and she forces herself to look up into his eyes, "Nothing is happening now, your dad is my best friend that's all I swear to yo—"
"I know that he's been happier these past two weeks, and that's all we want."
"I never had a family growing up, and your dad being here for me right now…" she looks down at her hands, "Nothing is happening I would never want to jeopardize his relationship with you guys becau—"
"We don't care, Liv. My mom doesn't care we just want him to be happy and for you to be part of our family in whatever way you want, but we're gonna be here for you—"
"You're just kids, you shouldn't—"
He laughs and his eyes glimmer at her, "Maureen has two kids and a third on her way I'm pretty sure we're past the kids stage, besides your family." His hand runs over his buzz-cut and lands on the back of his neck, and she wonders if all fathers and sons have this strong degree of genetics. He glances down at the Garmin watch sitting on his wrist, "I should go I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced I just wanted to do it when I could talk to you one-on-one but I sho—"
"You can stay, I mean if you don't have anything to do? I'm sorry I was…" she waves a hand and her brain rushes to fill in the blank, wants to give the impression that she's fine, especially after earlier, "I'm sorry I was rude earlier but you should stay."
"Thanks Liv," and she settles back into the couch feeling the tension in her shoulders subside, and the younger version of Elliot turns on the TV to ESPN where they're playing highlights of College Football.
The door clicks thirty minutes later and it opens slowly, "Liv?" Elliot balances two paper bags precariously in his arms as he pushes the door closed again, "The meeting ran late and apparently—"
"Hey, dad."
He stands helplessly as his eldest son grabs the bags from his arms, "Dickie is everything—"
"I'm good, do you two always go to the worst possible scenario?"
"Cop thing," they both mumble at the same time and then they grin at one another as Dickie rolls his eyes.
"You guys are creepy and yes I'm fine." He carries the bags into the kitchen as he explains, "I came to see Liv and then she mentioned that you were bringing home lunch and you know I never pass up free food."
Olivia laughs softly as she stands his hand lands on her elbow as she passes, barely-there but it still makes her pause and look up at him, "I didn't tell him…or ask him to—"
"I know he came to apologize and talk—"
"Did he say something to you because I'll…you haven't done—" she shakes her head adamantly and he cuts himself off staring into her eyes looking for any deception, "You sure?"
"Yeah, El. He was the perfect gentleman, you raised some great kids," she smiles at him and then her voice softens and she looks down at the floor embarrassed, "I'm gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save me some eggrolls, if he likes them as much as you do I know I don't have a chance?"
He laughs and kisses her head, "Go ahead I got your back."
They spend the next hour talking and eating and Dickie fills her in on the Marines and community college, says he's thinking he may re-enlist and then apply for the force. She watches Elliot swell with pride…and a bit of fear, but she watches him quash the fear before his son can notice and she groans at the thought of another Stabler on the force causing Dickie to laugh.
Elliot closes the door as he steps into the hallway with his eldest son as the other pulls on his hoodie that proudly declares Marines across the front, "What'd you and Liv talk about?"
The younger man smirks, "What'd Liv say?"
"That you apologized for something and were the perfect gentleman."
"Man, she divulges even less than you, no wonder why you're close," he laughs as they take the stairs down to the lobby and Elliot reaches out for his arm so he stops on the last landing.
"Dickie, seriously what'd you talk about?"
The younger man sighs looking down at his feet as he rubs the back of his neck, "I just…I had to apologize to her for something I said—"
"At the park?"
His son shakes his head and then explains softly, "Years ago. I was an asshole to her and I thought I should apologize to her," they finish the walk to the lobby. Dickie's walking towards the front door of the building but then he turns back standing close to Elliot so he can hear his low voice, "You…you should make sure that she's alright though."
Elliot's blue eyes turn harden over like ice over water in January, "Did you—"
"No! No, dad I swear," his hands raise to surrender but Elliot's blue eyes haven't thawed and Dickie sighs, "I think…it should come from her, dad. Just make sure that she's alright, okay?"
"El?" Her voice is a couple octaves too high even if she is floors above him and he looks up, can see her leaning over the bannister to look for him down below.
"Down here, Liv."
"I thought something-" her voice cuts off when she sees Dickie standing by the front doorway into the building and her cheeks color immediately, "Oh…I can-"
Elliot hooks his hand loosely with her smaller, softer one and tugs just a little until she's on the last step and he squeezes her hand gently, "We're just talkin."
"Besides I gotta go anyways it's my buddy's birthday and his dad got us tickets to a hockey game," he pushes the door open with his back, "Bye Liv, bye da—oh Maur wanted me to ask if you're gonna be at Sunday dinner this week?"
Elliot looks at Olivia and shrugs, "Up to you."
"Oh, I'm sure Maureen doesn't wan-"
"Yeah, she does besides you'll keep that one in line," he laughs as he points to Elliot, "My mom always says he doesn't have a filter."
Elliot rolls his eyes, "We'll probably be there but tell Maur that I'll text her when we're sure."
"'Kay thanks for lunch and I'll see ya on Sunday."
"Be safe tonight," Elliot calls as the door softly begins to close and Dickie gives a thumbs up before he turns and begins walking down the sidewalk.
"I'm sorry that I—"
Elliot places his hand on the small of her back as they begin walking back up the stairs, "You didn't do anything wrong so there's nothing to apologize for, Liv."
"I interrupted your conversation with your son, I should've stayed up here," they walk down his hallway and she keeps a small amount of distance between them, "Won't happen again."
Elliot pushes open his apartment door holding it open for her with his foot before he follows her inside, "I'm not angry with you, Liv. Did you enjoy the time alone?"
She shrugs as she folds into herself on the couch, "I accomplished my goal and then Dickie came and…did he mention anything?"
"He didn't tell me why he came, said it should come from you but he did," he watches her fidget with her lower lip, "He said that I should make sure that you're alright—"
"That's it?"
He sits on the coffee table in front of her and nods, "That's it. You came down right after and then you were there for the rest of the conversation about Sunday."
She nods and glances at him, "It was my first time being alone with a man other than you, Nick, or Brian and my first time alone with a man in…in here since I was alone with him. I couldn't turn my back on your son," she glances down at her hands.
"Liv you could've called—"
"He wasn't going to hurt me I knew that, in the logical part of my brain I knew he wouldn't and I wasn't nervous when I was with him at the park, but in here? I was rude to him and I had horrible," she glances up at him and he sees the shame and remorse swimming in her eyes, "Horrible thoughts about your son. You raised this child who became wonderful man, a Marine, and all I could think of was how badly he could hurt me before you found me."
"Did he?" His voice is soaked in concern and she realizes that he's still loyal to her despite the possible mess he could be creating for himself from pressing this issue, "Did he say or do anything that hur—"
"No, he just apologized for…for…" she looks into his questioning and concerned eyes and shrugs a little, "He asked me if we had ever—" she waves a hand and she sees anger pass through his eyes. "It was after he'd ran away, and I was fine but he thought I deserved an apology—"
"He was right," she rolls her eyes at him and scoffs in disbelief, "I'm serious, Liv. You didn't deserve to hear those comments from my kids—"
"I haven't seen most of your kids in two years, and it's been even longer since I've seen Maureen and Lizzie, and they could've easily feigned ignorance over past comments. The fact they didn't shows more about the character of your kids than anything else, so please don't be angry with them for the past?"
He stares into her eyes for a long minute before he nods, "Alright, Liv."
The rest of the week passes and she successfully passes her physical and Elliot takes her out for lunch to celebrate, despite her insistence that it's barely noteworthy. Her doctor and physical therapist sign off on her return to the field, with the instruction that she continue to wear her splint at home and she breathes a sigh of relief as they leave the hospital.
FRIDAY MORNING:
A nervous energy surrounds her, wraps around her like an itchy sweater that she can't remove and they both know the final test is today. Elliot glances at her over his coffee mug for the umpteenth time and it's barely nine in the morning, "It's gonna be fine she's gonna sign off, Liv."
"I know," she stares down at the eggs on her plate before pushing the plate away, "I'm not worried about that."
"Then what are yo—" her phone buzzes and it's the tenth time in under a minute, she turns her volume down to silent and flips her phone over, "Everything alright?"
"Brian's angry that I'm going back," she rolls her eyes and he can see the tears shining back at him, and she shifts uncomfortably as she plays with her coffee mug, "What if I'm not ready?"
"You know you don't have to—"
"Yes, yes I do. Who am I if I'm not Detective Olivia Benson? Nobody likes Olivia Benson, at least Detective Olivia Benson has a purpose," she shrugs just barely and he watches her quickly wipe away a wayward tear with the back of her hand.
"I like Detective Olivia Benson."
Olivia scoffs rolling her eyes as she waves a hand in his direction, "See? I've proved my point—"
He reaches across the table and wraps his hand around hers and squeezes it softly until she looks up, "But I love Olivia Benson, Olivia Benson is my best friend."
Her tears shine brightly in her eyes, "Detective Olivia Benson is better, stronger, faster—"
"And Olivia Benson is compassionate, intelligent, witty, drop-dead gorgeous," she rolls her eyes just before she ducks her head, "Olivia Benson is my best friend. Do you want to go back?"
"More than anything. I love my job and I'm good…I'm good at what I do," she looks up at him and he moves to the chair beside her, "But what if—"
"Cragen is still letting you keep your remaining time off if you're not ready then you take it, all I care about is that you're doing this cause you want to do it and nobody else."
He watches her suck in a breath and then she nods slowly, "I want to do this, El."
"You're stronger than you realize, Liv," he intertwines his hand with hers.
"Can I ask you for a huge favor…another huge favor?" Nods. "My landlord is giving me until next weekend to get whatever I want from apartment before they just toss everything into dumpsters, but I can't…I can't go back in there, not again."
He squeezes her hand and whispers, "You wanna write out a list for me and I'll go tomorrow?"
"You'll go tomorrow?" Her eyes dart nervously up to his face and he nods slowly, "I wasn't anticipating that you'd go so soon I thought you'd put it off until—I thought you'd do it when I was at work. I can go with you tomo—"
"I can handle it, Liv. You shouldn't be subjected to that again—"
"Neither should you though, it affects you too and if I can go with you maybe that'll make it easier on you," her phone lights up again they can see the light of the screen against the table and she sighs agitated.
"I'll be alright Liv, I promise. Why don't you talk to him and I'll clean up the kitchen?"
"Thanks, El," she squeezes his hand once before he stands grabs her phone swiping on the green button as she moves out of the kitchen and down the hall to her bedroom, "What is it, Brian?" His only thought is how tired her voice sounds, and he wonders how long Cassidy has been blowing up her phone to earn that reaction.
He's sitting on the couch watching some talk show on ESPN and he thinks they're discussing the projections of this year's Stanley Cup winners but he's trapped in his brain right now. He's thinking of thatarticle that first gave him the inkling that the abuse Serena perpetuated against Olivia went beyond mental and physical abuse, and landed in the darkest parts of humanity. Elliot doesn't let himself think of it when she's near him, worries that she'll notice a change in how he regards her if she's sitting right beside him when he falls into this particular hole.
"El?"
His eyes fly open, and he wonders when he'd closed them, "Yeah, Liv?"
Her deep chocolate brown eyes meet his uneasily, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine Liv I guess I dozed off a bit while I was thinking," he smiles softly up at her, "How was Cassidy?"
"He wants to do dinner tomorrow, since I canceled last week," she pushes her hand through her hair nervously, "I uh…do you think my new debit card is gonna arrive by tomorrow?"
The bank finally let them order a new card yesterday, accepted the temporary license from the DMV with his address as her permanent place of residence. The idea of changing her address nearly caused a mental breakdown for her and it was only made worse by the idea that it wasn't actually her home, despite his insistence. She argued that there was nothing 50/50 here, she wasn't helping pay the bills and he knew that from her point of view that meant he had control over her. Olivia had finally relented when Elliot had promised that he would accept deposit a check for $500 for allowing her to stay here.
"I think they said Monday or Tuesday, why Liv?"
She shrugs staring down at her hands and her voice is low and garbled, "Just wondering, can we go?" Nods.
Ava smiles at her from across the room, "I received an e-mail from Captain Cragen on Monday, he's letting you come back to work early if I agree?" Nods. "How do you feel about that?"
"Nervous. I want to return I don't know who I am without work standing in the way," she glances down at her hands and her eyes watch as she turns over her newly-freed left hand. "I talked about it with El this morning," and the other woman nods encouragingly, "He said that as long as I was doing it for me and nobody else that he'd support me, but I wanted to ask him…"
The woman sitting across from her waits for a moment before she asks, "What, Liv?"
She bites her lower lip nervously and her eyes stare at the red light on the tape recorder, "I wanted to ask him if he'd let me come back. He told me if I'm end up not being ready, I can take the rest of the time that Cragen was gonna give me anyways, but I didn't…I couldn't get the words out and then Brian called and…"
"Are you planning on moving out?"
Olivia shrugs and her body trembles involuntarily, "I have to soon…next Sunday is a month since he kidnapped me and El's gonna get annoyed with me soon. I think he already…he had his eyes closed on the couch this morning and I…I don't think he wanted me to disturb him, but I was gonna ask him something and then I got…I think I'm taking a toll on him."
"Did you ask him if he was feeling drained?"
The tactful wording of the question causes Olivia to roll her eyes but she still answers, "No, but I know he'd say no and then he'd say it was cause of something else and I didn't want to watch him lie to me."
"You know him better than probably anyone else, I'm sure you know when he's lying to you?" Nods. "How do you know that he'd lie to you about that?"
She shrugs a little as her arms wrap tightly around herself, "He's still gonna get sick of me if he hasn't already it's almost been a month. I've been completely dependent on him longer than anyone else and that isn't appealingto a man," she sighs softly staring at a spot on the floor that only she can see, "He did my homework with me."
Ava's eyes widen a bit and she looks up from where she was writing, "Really?"
Her voice is tight like she's trying to hold back the intense emotional, "I was struggling…and he offered to go first, let me keep his list."
"Did you read his?"
"He let me."
Ava nods and jots something down, "Did he read yours?"
"No, he said he didn't expect anything he didn't even ask. He let me change the code on his safe so it can be…mine," her voice breaks over the last word and she ducks her head.
"I'm glad you feel comfortable at—"
"I shouldn't be though, it isn't my home but it feels more like my home than my actual home did, Brian wants us to move in together and that makes me anxious but—"
"Your relationship with Elliot is different than your relationship with Brian, and that's alright Liv. You were partners with Elliot for thirteen years and that degree of intimacy is profound, even if it isn't romantic intimacy," her voice is steady and coming from her it makes sense.
Olivia leans forward to capture every word, imprinting it in her brain, wants to remember this for tomorrow when the conversation undoubtedly arises over dinner. She'll fail to be this eloquent knows that she will be awkward and it will only lead to Brian getting annoyed with her, that this will be meaningless but she still clings to the words.
"I had to ask Elliot for another favor today, and then Brian called and he wants to do dinner tomorrow so I was gonna—" she stares down at her hands, "But that's when I woke him up and I…"
"Got nervous?" Nods. "This uneasiness that comes from asking him for something, I'm sure that it's you've struggled with your whole life?" Nods.
"Elliot was the first person that made it easy for me," her voice is strained and tight, "I was able to reciprocate when we were partners so I never felt like there were debts to owe."
"Good friends don't hold debts when you ask for help, Liv."
Olivia shrugs staring down at her hands, "I just don't want him to leave me again. I want to keep him…happy with me," she tugs at her fingers, "People tell me I'm stupid for thinking he won't leave but—"
"Who tells you that, Liv?" Shrugs. "Is it his kids? If it is you need to tell Elliot, you don't deserve—"
"It isn't his kids," her voice wrapped tightly in emotion, "They told me I'm family. They hugged me and apologized to me and…they said I'm family," her voice awe-struck as she recalls the conversations she'd had with his grown children, "It isn't them."
"Then who?"
"Doesn't matter."
Ava sighs and writes something on the pad of paper but doesn't press that particular part of the issue, "He's not gonna leave, Liv. I know he did and I know you're still struggling with that but he thought he was gonna pull you down with him, that he would be so dependent on you that he'd ruin your career too."
"I know…he's told me that but I can't...if that's why he left me, then how easy would it be for him to leave me this time, when I can pull him down? He's the only person I can completely trust in this world and I'm so…he means the world to me and if I lose him, I know I'd fall into an abyss," she watches Ava jot something down.
"You're not going to lose him, but you have to talk to him keeping these fears bottled up Ava glances at the clock and bites her lower lip as she contemplates, "I know I asked for your list for this week but we only have about ten minutes left and I want to be able to discuss it with you. Did you do it?" Nods. "Do you mind if we hold off until next week?"
"That's fine, do I have homework for this week?"
"For this week, I only want you to ask Elliot these questions you're torturing yourself keeping them locked in your brain—"
"I talk to you about them," her words are whispered and desperate like she knows her argument is futile but she's nothing if not persistent, persistent for a way out from this mental torture she's created for herself.
The other woman smiles at her kindly, "I understand how difficult it must be to verbalize your fears at all, even to me, but I'm not Elliot and you need assurance from Elliot. I can't give you what I don't have, and you need to hear this from him, I know it's terrifying," the other woman scoffs, "You need to know one way or the other—"
"That's what terrifies me…the other, because what if—"
The other woman leans forward in her chair and her voice is soft but pleading, "Liv, I need you to promise me that you'll talk to him?"
"I promise."
"I think you'll be thankful when you do, but you need to take that leap."
Olivia let's out a shuddering breath and then, "Will you sign off for me?"
Ava stands to grab the papers from her desk and she glances at the brunette watching her as she reaches for a pen to sign, "This doesn't mean that you stop coming, Liv. If you want the healing that you spoke of during the first appointment—"
"I know," her voice is strained and she looks down at the papers when Ava hands them to her, "Thank you."
Ch. 20:
SATURDAY:
He knocks on her door at just before five in the evening, and if he didn't know any better, he'd think she was hiding from him. "Liv can I come in?"
"What is it I'm getting ready?" The door swings open and her face is bright red with frustration and she sighs as she steps away from the door and heads back into the bathroom, "I can't get my hair to look right and I don't think this outfit—"
"I think you look gorge—"
She rolls her eyes and her eyes are black, "What do you want? 'Cause he's gonna be here soon and he hates when I make him wait."
Elliot's eyes roll, "What doesn't Cassidy hate?" His voice is mumbled but she still hears him if her glare is any indication and he knows he should feel ashamed for how he talks about her boyfriend, but he can't when the man treats her like a child.
Olivia seethes, "What do you want?"
"I finally got your keys and I checked the mail, your debit card still hasn't come so—"
"As if today couldn't get any fucking wor—"
"Liv take this…just in case," he holds out the keys, his Discover card, and forty bucks in cash.
Her eyes jump from his hand to his soft blue eyes, "I've been a bitch to you all day," her voice is low and drenched in shame.
"Everybody has bad days," they know this is both an understatement and a lie, that there is another reason for this particular mood, but she isn't talking and he isn't going to break their code. He takes a step forward and reaches for her right hand placing everything into her hand firmly, "Take it. The keys are yours to keep and you can give me back the Discover card when your cards arrive."
"I don't need both I can just take the cash," she tries to hand him back the card but he shakes his head, "El I don't need this come on."
"Take it, Liv. You don't know where he's taking you and if you need—"
"I'll have my phone…" her voice is defeated and he knows that her fear is manifesting itself into anger and Cassidy has only perpetuated this by refusing to answer her calls and texts.
He wraps her fingers around the objects in her hand around everything and then wraps both of his hands around hers and he stares into her eyes, "Keep the card."
She breathes out a sigh and stares down at their hands before she nods, "You'll be here right? When I get home…I mean—"
"It's your home, you have keys now. That makes it official you can always come back here," he kisses her head before she pulls away walking to put everything into the small wristlet that one of his girls had left here. "I'll probably be here," her eyes glance at his and he knows that she was betting on him being here, "I'm gonna go to your place."
"That shouldn't take long," her mind whirrs but she nods and her voice is mumbled, he knows she's convincing herself.
"No, I don't think so either. I'll have my phone though so if you need—"
"I know," she whispers. Her mouth opens to say something but the knock on the door cuts her off and she jumps, "Can you—"
"Yeah, take your time."
He's walking towards the door when the person on the other side knocks again and he rolls his eyes just before he opens the door, "Cassidy."
"Stabler. You always take that long to answer the door?"
"Well usually people are more patient in the fifteen seconds it took me to answer the door," he can't help the tone of disdain that coats his voice.
He glances around the condo and he looks down at his watch, "She ready to go yet?"
"I'm sure Liv's almost done—" Cassidy rolls his eyes and Elliot can't help the contempt in his voice, "Is something wrong?"
"I told her 5:30, she should've been ready to go," he sighs exasperated, "She's never on time no matter how far in advance I tell her, she's never—LIV! Let's go I'm sure your hair looks fine!"
They hear her door open and Elliot leans in and hisses, "You're a fucking asshole." He's pulling away as she appears from the hallway and he smiles at her, "You look great, Liv."
"Thanks, El."
Cassidy places his hand on the small of her back even though she tenses and his eyes trail over her body, "You look great, I kinda thought you would've worn a dress for the restaurant but I like to be casual too. I'm glad I picked an Italian restaurant; I don't think we'd get into a French restaurant with you looking so casual."
"Oh…" she looks down at her dark-wash jeans and her burgundy sweater, "I can chan—"
He laughs condescendingly, "We don't have time for that now, after you took all that time trying to accomplish the messy curls look," he lets his other hand slip into her hair and she bites her lip, hard.
Elliot's breath is slow and fuming, his eyes icy, "Why don't you ask Liv if she wants you touch it before you start?"
Cassidy rolls his eyes again but he drops his hand from her hair and he reaches to open the door and Olivia turns to look back at Elliot smiling softly, "Bye El." Thank you.
He watches them head down the hallway and he sees her reach behind and pull his hand from the small of her back to her waist, just before they disappear down the stairs. He waits twenty minutes before he walks down to his own truck and heads to her apartment. He takes a deep breath as opens the back of his truck to grab the boxes that he received from the owner of the bodega, down the street from his building.
The apartment is still in shambles and wants to call Fin or Nick to do this with him, misery loves company after all, but he forces himself to move further into the apartment. He quickly locates the box from the back of her closet and sees her familiar writing on the top:
Calvin.
He can't help the tears that fill his eyes as he thinks of the cards her life has dealt her and the cards it's still dealing her, when does the hurt stop for her? He relocates most of her clothes into a box and he hopes she doesn't hate him for how basically tosses them in, but he's trying to get out of here before he punches a wall. He moves the last of her clothes that were hanging in her closet into the box when he sees another box hidden in the corner and her familiar writing again:
Mom.
(Serena).
He knows it was written during a moment of struggle and he wonders how soon after her mother's death she forced herself to write the first word, followed quickly by the second. He stares at the writing and he thinks it isn't just his imagination that he sees the hesitation and shaky lines of the first 'M' and then his vision blurs and he realizes he's crying.
He moves back out to her family room, living room, to find the photo album she mentioned when he sees the chair with the duct tape hanging off the arms of the chair. He doesn't realize his fist is through the wall until he's on his third punch and the tears are beginning to blur his eyes again, and he feels himself slide down the wall as his shoulders quake.
Time passes quicker than he realizes and it isn't until his phone lights up with a text from Maureen and he laughs wetly at his eldest daughter's timing, and he realizes he's been here for an hour. He forces himself to move quicker after that and twenty minutes later after checking all her drawers in her bedroom for any hidden mementos that may be of significance he leaves.
He prays it's for the last time.
There's a short and stout man who looks to be in his late fifties and his hair looks like he applied a bottle of gel to it this morning, leaning in front of the building. Elliot places last of the boxes in the back of his truck before he walks back to the man still watching him, "Are you the building repairman?"
"Yeah," his voice is garbled as he chews on a toothpick, "You moving out?"
Elliot's reminded of why he hates living in the city, nobody knows their neighbors, it's why nobody had realized or bothered to knock on her door until it was too late. He's happy that Mark and Kathy have chosen to stay in the suburbs even if it means longer commute for him, it's worth it for Eli to grow up with a yard and neighbors he knows.
"I'm moving out Olivia Bens—"
The man's face flashes with recognition but he covers it quickly, "Oh yeah, I told her she had 'til Friday and then I'm tossing everything."
"Yeah, well I think I got everything she wanted but I have to check with her and then we'll let you know," the man nods, "But I…uh caused some damage up ther—"
"What kinda damage?" The man rolls the toothpick between his fingers and then he looks down to Elliot's cracked and bleeding knuckles and he grins, "How many times you punch the wall?"
"Three," the man whistles, "But I don't want you to charge her or take it from her security deposit—"
"What that poor girl went through…and a NYPD Detective, nonetheless? Consider it forgotten as far as I'm concerned that bastard did it, and that's what I'll tell the owners if they ever bother to ask." He places the toothpick back into his mouth and his garbled again, "You friends with her?" Nods. "Boyfriend?"
"No, I was her partner before I retired from the force."
"The fact she made it through that…" he shakes his head, "My wife still cries when they show parts of it on the news. She's a fighter," before Elliot can open his mouth to respond the man heads back into the building and Elliot is left standing alone.
"Yeah, yeah she is," his whisper is so soft that the wind sweeps it away, so no one but him and the wind knows it was spoken.
On Sunday morning, they don't speak about how she returned home after midnight or how she had attempted to hide her clothes intermixed with his in the dirty laundry basket. He found them early the next morning before she woke and the clothes still smelled of stale beer, but the faint smell of vodka disturbed him the most.
When she finally appears, he's in the kitchen drinking coffee and staring at the computer screen, "You ever do work on that thing?"
He smirks at her over the rim of mug, "Sure that's the nice thing about the private sector," he closes the laptop and stands to get another cup of coffee, "Washed your clothes."
"The sweater can't go into the dr—"
"It didn't, Kathy taught me well don't worry," he smiles at her as he makes them both an English Muffin, "It's on a hanger air-drying just like the tag says."
"Does that mean you're gonna let me show you outfits all morning until I finally believe when you say that you like it?" She grins and the enigma that is Olivia Benson shocks him again, "Cause I'm pretty sure I have nothing to wear for this Sunday Dinner of yours."
"I liked the sweater from yesterday."
He's spreading peanut butter over her muffin but he can hear her eyeroll, "You're just sayin—"
"I like you in burgundy," he smiles and hands her the muffin.
"El—"
"Think about it and eat the muffin, I put a lot of hard work into that," she laughs as she takes a small bite. "So…" her voice is slow and elongated, "When are we going to talk about this elephant in the room?" His eyes widen until he follows her eyes to his knuckles, "I thought you said you got that anger under control?"
"Yeah, well when I went to Ava originally, I'd never heard of William Lewis." He flexes and extends his fingers staring down at his bloody knuckles, "I punched your wall three times I saw the…I couldn't hel—"
The brunette nods staring into her coffee mug, "They're gonna make me pay for—"
"No, I talked to the repair guy he was standing outside when I came down with the last of the boxes and we got to talking and I told him what I'd done, he's gonna say it was Lewis. Besides even if he hadn't, I was gonna pay him for the damage."
They have bits and pieces of conversations, they wade into the waters of the deeper topics but never far enough to actually talk, and she thinks it's harmonious. It isn't until she's reaching for her wristlet when she remembers the one thing, she couldn't get off her mind last night, "I had to use your card for dinner."
He's tying his shoes when he looks up into her nervous eyes, "Okay."
"That's it?"
"I gave it to you and I was fully aware that you may use it, so yeah that's it," he stands kissing her head softly, "Keep it until you get your debit card."
"El…"
He smiles squeezing her hand as he opens the door, "I know, you ready?" Nods.
"I've never been to a Sunday Dinner usually my Sunday dinners are just on my couch alone with leftover takeout or working," she watches out the window as they drive to Long Island to Maureen's home. "Used to hear kids talk 'bout it though at school it sounded fun," her voice drops and when she speaks again it's wistful, "Having cousins, aunts, uncles…grandparents."
"We started it after Maur's twins were born," he smiles at for a second before focusing on the road again, "I don't know if it's gonna live up to your childhood expectations, but I'm glad you're coming."
He parks at the end of Maureen's driveway and pulls the key out of the ignition, "Ready?"
She tugs are her fingers and glances up at the other cars sitting in the driveway, "Can we just sit here for a minute?"
"Yeah, Liv however long you want."
Her shoulders curl forward, "I tried to do Sunday Dinner with my mom once. I uh…I used to sit alone at lunch at this table by the windows in the corner. I used to like it because it had a perfect view of the street and it was right by the heater," her eyes glimmer and he smiles a little sad at her childlike voice. "It was the best when they turned on the heat and I'd sit there all lunch feeling like I was wrapped in this warm, fuzzy blanket. I used to pull the table closer and push it back after lunch so I didn't get into trouble," her face heats a little with embarrassment and she shrugs half-heartedly trying to play it off.
"That sounds nice, Liv."
"I think it sounds depressing I mean when I was a kid I thought I was…I loved feeling independent having a secret that only I knew, but now I realize…" she sighs staring down at her hands. "Anyways…" her voice is determined, strong and to the point, "I heard kids at the next table talking about Sunday Dinner with all their cousins…and I don't know it just sounded nice. That Sunday I was all excited I had managed to scrape together just enough money to buy two chocolate chip cookies from the bakery near where we lived, the big ones ya know? My mouth was watering the entire day looking at mine, I'd never had one before and it…it just looked perfect ya know?"
"Those are the best cookies," he smiles but she doesn't return it and the smile falls from his lips, "So what happened?"
"I microwaved two TV dinners and found our two best looking plates and by best, I mean the two plates that had the least amount of chips and cracks. I set our small kitchen table and when I finally got her up to come and eat—I was proud ya know? I was so proud, I was six and naïve but…I thought we'd have fun dunking our cookies into milk," she smiles sadly and he can see the tears in her eyes that she's desperately holding back.
"Like the commercials."
"Yeah. We never had anything like that in the house she used to say it was a lack of money, but…" her voice trails off for a moment and when she speaks again it's dark and low, "Always had plenty of alcohol. I just thought it would be fun, ya know? Laughing while we dunked out cookies into milk maybe even cuddl—" she shakes her head like she's trying to rattle the memories out of her head.
"You were a child and you loved her, she was your mom there's a part of you that's always going to love you no matter what," he reaches over to squeeze her hand and she shrugs
"Every time I see cookies in a bakery, I think of that…day" her voice cracks and she bites her lower lip but no tears fall, "She told me we weren't a family the only reason I was there was cause nobody else wanted her bastard."
"Livia…"
"I'm fine. Just wanted to tell you that I never had a Sunday Dinner not like this anyways," she rubs her hands against her jean-covered thighs and nods to the other cars, "Who else is here?"
"That's Kathy's SUV and Kathleen's car, the twins probably drove with Katie. I don't think her boyfriend, Andrew, could make it so you'll only be meeting Maureen's husband and Kathy's fiancé."
Olivia nods and breathes in and out a couple times, long and slow before she finally opens her door and steps out of the safety of his truck, where it was just the two of them. She takes another deep breath as he steps beside her placing his hand on the small of her back and then he leads her up the walkway to Maureen's home.
He opens the front door and he calls through the already boisterous household, "We're here!"
They toe-off their shoes and Elliot leads her into Maureen's large open-concept kitchen and family room with the high ceilings
"You're late, dad! Hey, Liv!" Dickie calls from where he's sitting on the couch watching the football game with Maureen's husband, William.
Olivia's eyes jump to his nervously, "That was um—"
"I got distracted on the phone there was some minor meltdown with building security at the company. I had to walk them through how to fix the cameras," Elliot smiles at her as Will and Mark both introduce themselves to Olivia and their tardiness is forgotten.
"You want beer or wine, Liv?"
He's walking towards the refrigerator when Will informs him, "I forgot to grab the beer you like but I can run out and get it now if you want?"
"Nah don't worry 'bout it I'll go," he looks at the brunette standing awkwardly at the island, "Wine, Liv?"
The kitchen seems to quiet as they wait for her reply, "I'm good with water."
"I'll get it, you go dad," Maureen smiles at him as she reaches into the cabinet by the sink, "And don't take too long cause I'm hungry and I'm not holding dinner."
The kitchen laughs and Elliot kisses the top of her head, "Always sweet, Maur."
"My middle name," she grins up at him and then pushes him back towards the hallway to the front door, "Now go and hurry."
He heads for the front door and Olivia follows cautiously behind him as he sits on the steps to tie his shoes, they can hear the Eli, Will Jr., and Christian playing upstairs, "You gonna be alright?"
She chews on her lower lip, nodding, "You'll come back?"
"Just gonna run for beer and I'll be back, shouldn't be more than twenty-five minutes."
Twenty Minutes later:
Kathleen opens the front door for him as he approaches, "That doesn't look like beer."
"Figured everybody would rather cookies instead," he smiles as he kisses her head as he walks inside, toeing off his shoes again, "You wanna take them in?"
"Dad went to that amazing bakery down the street and got us cookies!" She calls excitedly and Eli and his grandkids woot and holler excitedly about the prospect of cookies, only to end up disappointed that they can't have one immediately.
Lizzie grins as she reaches for the box, "Holy crap! You got a lot!"
"Big family, Liz. What else was I gonna do turn this into a take on the Hunger Games?" There's a burst of laughter and he glances around searching for brown eyes in a sea of blue and green, "Where's Liv?"
"She went to the bathroom after you came in but I think she needed a break," Kathy tells him softly.
He nods and walks to the bathroom past the family room and he forces himself to wait there for a couple minutes before he finally knocks, "Liv?"
The bathroom door opens slowly and he breathes a sigh of relief at her appearance, "Hey."
"You alright?"
"You didn't have to go to that bakery just because I told you another depressing story about my childhood," she stares down at her hands and her voice is low, "They were just cookies."
"Yeah, well you deserve a new memory besides maybe it's time for a new—"
"Dinner's ready!"
"New what?" She begs staring into his eyes, "New what?"
"New Sunday Dinner tradition," he wraps his arm around her shoulders and kisses her head softly, "Hungry?"
"I could eat."
Eli sits on her lap while Will Jr. and Christian stand on the kitchen table chairs dunking their cookies into glasses of milk and laughing, and Elliot sits across from her. "How's the cookies guys?"
The three little boys grin at him their faces a mess of milk and cookie crumbs, "GOOD!"
"What about you, Liv?"
The brunette grins at him, "Good, El. Thank you,"
She's staring out the window as they travel back to the city, "What do you want for your birthday?"
"What?"
"Everybody was talking about it after you left, I can't believe you didn't remind me," she stares at his profile as he drives, "I know I've been preoccupied and…selfish—"
"You haven't been selfish, Liv," he intertwines their fingers and squeezes softly.
"You should've told me, El. I don't like being blindsided and I didn't even…I know when your birth—"
"I know that but it doesn't matter we don't need to—"
She stares down at her hands nodding slowly, and then she scoffs and let's her head roll back onto the headrest staring out at the window, "Wow…you didn't plan on inviting me then, huh? That why you've been so excited that I'm going back, hoping I work straight through your day…or were you just gonna start floating the idea of moving in with Brian?"
"Liv—"
"Let me guess something like 'Brian really misses you and I'm sure he'd love to spend more time with you,' you'll probably have to swallow some Pepto afterwards because I know how much you hate hi—"
"Liv!" Olivia jumps at his loud voice and he sighs, and his voice lowers again and Olivia has to strain to hear him, "I didn't bring it up cause I didn't know how to say it. My birthday is on the 20th and you were taken on the 21st, it's your fucking one month…" he waves a hand in the air, "Whatever the hell you wanna call it I just didn't know how to tell you."
"Am I invited?"
"I've done birthdays without you for two years, I don't wish to make it three," he glances at her, "You were always invited I just didn't want to see you put yourself last again."
"I'm not putting myself last if you're with me," her hand squeezes his, "I'm going to celebrate this day with you because I want to, El. I'm pretty sure I owe you a trip to Europe after everything you've done for me but I don't think it's in the financial cards for me this year though so if you can give me some other id—"
"You don't have to get me anything, Liv."
"Yeah, I do but you should probably help me out cause otherwise you may end up with chocolate and nothing else."
"I like chocolate," he smiles at her as her head turns to look at him before his eyes settle back on the highway in front of them.
"I need help with getting gifts, El. I don't usually buy gifts the last time I brought a gift for Brian he returned it on me," she mumbles leaning her head against the window. "I thought you promised that you'd help me learn how to do this family stuff? Where I'm sitting birthdays are a pretty big deal in a family and you're setting me up to fail again. When all that stuff happened with Kathleen you told me once that you were through the looking glass, that's how I feel now and you're not helping me…"
"I just don't think of getting a gift from you as the most important part of my birthday, I'm not trying to be an ass."
She glances at him before casting her eyes downward to her lap, "Then what is the most important part?"
"Just having you around will make it a great day," Elliot squeezes her knee with his right hand they're both quiet for a while as the skyline of the city appears through the overcast day. His voice is so quiet it almost melts in with the radio, "Just get me some memorabilia from the NYPD or the Marines, a t-shirt or sweatshirt would also be good."
Olivia stares at her hands but nods just a little, "Kay."
"And definitely get me that chocolate," she lets out a loud, uninhibited laugh as they enter the city.
Ch. 21:
They're walking up the stairs from the parking garage and she's fingering her hair, absentmindedly, "I'm gonna cut my hair."
"On your own?"
His voice is surprised and he sees the dark look pass over her face, "What else am I gonna do? I've been trying to bring myself to make an appointment but I couldn't…just the thought of somebody I didn't know touching my hair again makes me anxious enough how would I—"
"Want me to call Lizzie?" Olivia glances at him, confused, "Lizzie used to enjoy cutting hair, the number of dolls she had with horrible haircuts was appalling," Olivia laughs softly. "Kathy's sister was a hairstylist and taught Lizzie how to do it, the dolls ended up having some pretty sophisticated hairstyles come to think of it," he grins at the memory of his youngest daughter.
"She's gonna be a hairstylist? I thought she was thinking about something in the medical field or something?"
"She is, I think Kathy's sister was hoping she was gonna follow in her footsteps but Liz just liked the whole idea of cutting hair more than her siblings ever did growing up. I'm not gonna promise that it'll be perfect or that it'll look the bes—"
"—I don't care. I just want it off before tomorrow morning and if she can make it look half-way decent that's enough for me," her voice drops, "She won't mind spending more time with me, right?"
Elliot feels his heartbreak.
There's a knock at the door while Olivia is finishing shampooing her hair in the shower, but he knows it's just a convenient excuse to hide away in the safety of a warm shower. He opens the door to his youngest daughter who is apparently pulsating with excitement, "Hey honey."
"Liv really wants me to do this?"
He smiles down at his daughter, "She does but Liz…" he trails off trying to communicate what he needs to without breaking his loyalty to his partner, "You can't…Liz you…"
The young blonde smiles empathetically and he watches her tamp the visible excitement she feels and Elliot feels his heartbreak for the second time in less than an hour, "I know dad."
They hear her door open and she appears a moment later with wet hair and dressed in his old NYPD sweats, looking too vulnerable for somebody who'll be wearing a badge in less than twelve hours. "Hi Lizzie."
"Hey Livie, thanks for trusting me enough to do this," the brunette nods once and Lizzie looks between them, "Where should we do this at?"
Olivia's eyes jump to Elliot's nervously and he smiles down at his daughter, "Why don't you use your bathroom, Liv?"
The brunette sits on the lid of the toilet seat while Lizzie methodically begins cutting her hair, "How much do you want me to take off? An inch?"
Olivia stares into the small standing circular mirror in front of her, "To my chin."
"That's like…that's gotta be almost—"
"Just do it," her words are demanding but her voice is barely a whisper, "Please? Have you…have you watched the news? Lately I mean?"
"I can't…" her voice breaks and she sucks in a breath.
"Your dad doesn't mention it and I'm not one to look myself up," her eyes fall from the mirror to a spot on the counter, keeping her head level, "Just wanted to know if they're still talking about me?"
The young blonde kneels in front of her, "Gonna run my fingers through your hair now alright?" Nods. "You can ask Maureen, she'd know, the only one who can stomach to listen to them."
"Your dad calls them talking bobble heads," Lizzie chuckles. "Why does she watch that stuff and the rest of you don't?"
Lizzie sits back on her heels and contemplates the question for a moment, "I don't know. I mean I know that I can't stand seeing it and Katie is the same, hell even my mom and Dickie can't watch the news right now." Lizzie shrugs as she wipes her hands on the dry hand towel, "My mom says it reminds her of her regrets and how horribly she treated you, but I don't know about Maur."
Olivia nods as Lizzie reaches for the scissors again, "Thanks Liz."
They sit in comfortable silence as the girl trims her hair slowly and methodically, "You could ask my dad too."
The brunette feels her blood run cold and her body tenses, "Your dad talks about the news with-"
"No!" Lizzie's voice bounces off the walls of the small bathroom and she sucks in a breath, calming herself, "My dad may have some idea why she watches…that stuff. Maureen doesn't bring it up to him and I don't know if he even knows that she is following it, but he may have some insight."
She watches the young adult rummage around the cabinet under the sink and feels the growing anxiety of knowing that Lizzie is seeing all of her toiletries in what should be her father's bathroom. "Does she mention it to you?"
"She sugarcoats it when she tells me about it," the other woman smiles softly staring down at her hands, playing with her fingers, "I think it's an older sister vs. baby sister thing. Maybe first-born thing? Cause Katie says Maur does it with her too, so maybe it's being the oldest sibling, ya know?"
"I was an only child," she forces out as she watches the blonde stand with the bottle of curly hair gel in her hands, "Liz I'm not—"
"—You should put this in your hair, I bet you look nice with curls—"
"—Lizzie…" her voice is pleading but she trails off, failing to communicate. Olivia curses herself how self-absorbed does to have to be thatinstead of hiding all traces of herself from the master bedroom, she chose to stay huddled in the corner of the shower with crippling anxiety. She knew Lizzie was coming, Elliot had told her through the bathroom door that she was coming and fuck—
"I won't say anything, Liv." Lizzie holds up the bottle of curling gel that she used a day earlier, "Can I use this? It was all the way in the back of the cabinet but—"
"Yeah."
Lizzie smiles nervously and shrugs, "I'm nervous you're not gonna like how it dries and if it's curly maybe you'll like it more?"
Lizzie squeezes some gel into the brunette's hands, "You don't know how thankful I am that you came all the way over here just to do this for me."
"Anyone of us would've come over here just to do this for you, Liv."
They drive Lizzie home the young girl rolls her eyes at their overprotective nature but when a dark look passes over Olivia's face at the mention of her taking the subway, the blonde accepts the ride easily. For twenty minutes, Lizzie talks with Olivia about everything and Elliot watches as whatever anxiety that's been pummeling through her body suddenly evaporates with his youngest daughter.
Lizzie exits the truck, and the anxiety enters. He can feel it as she sits beside him, shifting and twiddling as he pulls away from the building, "Liv you can talk to me about whatever."
"I'm fine."
"Open up the glove compartment."
"Why?"
He smirks at her stubborn nature, "Cause I got you a little something—"
"A little something…"
They pull up to a red light and he pops open the glove compartment and pulls out the small white box, "Just a little gift."
She stares down at the box in his hand but she hasn't moved to take it from him, "Why?"
"Cause I wanted you to have a part of me with you tomorrow," he places the box in her lap and shuts the compartment as the light turns green.
"What is it?"
He grins at her stubbornness again, "It's supposed to be a surprise, Liv."
In the lowlight from the streetlamps her eyes go black and she sets the box carefully back into the glove compartment, "I told you I don't like surprises."
"It's a good surprise, it's a gift. A gift is always a good surprise," he tries to keep the hurt from his voice but he thinks he's only partially successful.
"That's nice that you think that but I'm not that naïve," she folds her arms over her chest and turns her head to look out the window, "I'm not stupid."
"I never said you were—"
"You implied it," and her tone shifts higher than normal condescending and mocking, "A gift is always a good surprise."
"Liv—"
"I'm not stupid, Elliot." Her voice drops again, swinging from one extreme to another and it's brittle and dark, "Not anymore."
Elliot sighs as he puts the truck in park in his normal spot and then he turns off the engine, stuffing the keys into his pocket as he exits the vehicle. Olivia doesn't move. When he opens her door, her eyes fall to the ground of the garage, staring at the white line as he opens the glove compartment again and removes the box, holding out the box to her again.
Olivia ignores him.
"It's my Semper Fi Medal from the Marines," he opens the box slowly to prove he isn't lying, "I want you to have it," he places the open box on her lap, "So you'll have a piece of me with you tomorrow."
Her eyes stare down at the shiny gold medal and her fingers wrap around it, "Don't deserve this."
"'Course you do. I wish I could be there for you physically tomorrow, but since I can't this is the best I can do," he covers her hand with his and she stares at his hand for a moment before her eyes finally lift, "Keep it. Keep it for as long as you want, Liv."
"What if I never wanna give it back?"
"It's yours."
"Your kids will be hurt if they knew you gave this to me," she stares at the medal, tightly wrapped in her grip before placing it back in the box and holding it out to him.
He refuses to take the box, "No they won't Liv."
"These sorts of things matter to kids and I don't want to ever make them feel like they come second to their dad's partner," she pushes the box at him again but he won't take it. "Elliot, I'm serious."
"Good, so am I. I want you to have it and since it's still mine, despite your apparent concern for my imminent death, which is kinda disturbing I gotta admit," he chuckles, "I want you to have it."
Brown eyes bore into blue and when he doesn't concede she confesses, "I don't want your kids to be angry with me." Her voice is a whisper, pleading and it betrays the look of anger that was present in her eyes a moment ago, "I don't want your kids to regret me coming back into your life."
"My kids love you, they aren't going care."
"I won't keep it."
"I know," he takes the medal out of the box and hands it to her, "Ready to go up?"
Elliot pulls into the precinct parking lot just after noon hoping to catch her at her desk, he's standing by his door as he stuffs the letter into the inside pocket of his coat.
"Hey Elliot, right?"
He looks up in time to the see the blonde woman who came to get them the day Olivia gave her statement, "Rollins, right?"
"Yeah, but you can call me Amanda," she smiles, "What are you doing here?"
"Got some mail for Liv that I know she's been waiting for and I know how the job is when there's a case," he shrugs as he reaches for his keys to lock the doors.
"Wanted to come give it to her?"
He nods as they walk towards the building of the precinct.
"I thought you were going back to work today too?"
"I did…I am technically but I had a free moment so I decided to—"
"Drive from Upper Manhattan to your condo in Lower Manhattan, come here, and then drive back to Upper Manhattan during your lunch hour with Monday traffic?"
"Stop bein' a cop, Rollins."
The blonde grins and he can't help but roll his eyes, "So you really are an over-protective bastard then?"
A grin appears across his face, "Fin?" Rollins laughs as Elliot holds the door open for her as they walk into the precinct and she waits for him to grab a visitor's badge. They step into an empty elevator and once the doors close he explains, "She left before I woke up at six and she has been waiting for this letter so I figured…"
"I get it."
They step out of the elevator and Amanda leads him into the squad room calling as they enter, "Liv special delivery!"
The brunette jumps at her co-worker's loud and unexpected voice and he watches the three other members ignore it, he wonders how many times it's happened so far today. She spins around in her chair and his eyes fall on hers, "El wha—"
"Got something for you, if you got a minute?"
"Yeah…yeah. I'll be back," she glances at Nick as she stands and the man across from her nods before she leads him to one of the open interrogation rooms.
Once the door is closed, she turns to look at him, "Did something hap—"
"No. Everything's fine," she breathes out a sigh of relief. She stuffs her hands into the pocket of her jeans as she waits, "You got mail today and," he pulls out the letter from his coat, "I thought you should have this today."
She rips open the letter and sighs in relief, "Thank you. You drove all the way across Manhattan just for this?"
"I knew how much it meant to you, so yeah." He shrugs like it isn't a big deal, like traffic on a Monday in New York City isn't a special type of hell, like he didn't leave work well before noon so he could do this for her.
"I still have to give you back your card, but it's in my desk…"
He waves a hand like he's trying to wave away her embarrassment, "Give it back when you come home—"
"That may not be unti—"
"I know." He smiles at her leaning against the wall as he watches for a moment, "How's today going?"
The brunette deflates, leaning against the table as she stares down at the floor, "We found a ten-year old boy in the middle of Time Square…and now we're…" she sighs. "Everyone is watching me to see if I break."
"You're here because Cragen thou—"
Olivia scoffs rolling her eyes, "No, I'm here because the Brass wanted me back," she glances up into his eyes and shrugs, "Nick let it slip on the way back from the hospital." She breathes in and out three times but when she's straightens her armor has been fixed and she holds herself with an air of confidence that both amazes and terrifies him.
He leaves the precinct only a few minutes later and she barely looks up at him as the three other detectives say goodbye, Fin throws him a concerned look. Elliot reminds himself that Fin has been here the longest, is well aware of how horribly they used to fight when the one was shutting down. Now though Elliot doesn't feel anger only concern and while he may have to remind himself, more than a few times, that it was worse for her than for him, he knows the feeling he's experiencing aren't anger.
Elliot misses her.
His private company doesn't have him pulling the types of hours that he had as a detective. When Kathy had finally left him all those years ago, he used to be thankful to have a job that required long hours. He remembers the bouts of uncontrollable rage as his life was falling apart, as his partner tried to run interference but he also remembers being thankful. Thankful he had an excuse to stay away from his too quiet apartment, thankful he had an outlet other than the bottle.
He's thankful because now he understands how silence can lead to other addictive hobbies.
Work ends early now, unless there's an actual emergent situation, and he tries not to let himself hope for one this week because that's wrong…it may be his job but it's somebody's life. A kid's life, more often than not.
Elliot finds himself reading the news articles that he swore he wouldn't read when she was around, but now in the empty condo he can't stop himself from going down this particular path. He learns that Lewis will likely win on his motion to sever the charges, at least according to the talking bobble heads and legal analysts who have been making a quick buck on the talk shows analyzing the case. Analyzing her injuries, debating whether she should be allowed back on the force so soon as though they know anything.
He spaces out his texts to her but no matter the time of day her Read receipt always appears within moments, and he wonders if she's waiting for him to text her, but she never responds. He realizes now that she must've packed a bag before she left on Monday morning, but other than a note by the coffee mug she left out for him the apartment is spotless void of any reminder that she lives here.
Thursday brings rain and gray skies, chilly weather. The kind of weather that makes him think she'd be curled quite happily under that fuzzy blanket, making fun of him for something while she tried to ignore the rolling thunder and flashes of lightning. The condo is deadly silent. There isn't the pitter patter of her bare feet against his hardwood floors, no dull quiet sound of the shower going for far too long to be anything other than a place of safety away from the world.
He's been sleeping on the couch lately, and he supposes that this is a benefit of being in the private sector cause if he was still under Cragen's watchful eye he knows there'd be an ordered psych exam. Cragen would argue that he's too close to her, too dependent on her but then again she's dependent on him. None of that exists anymore though at his current job because from what he's learned working with other military veterans and retired cops, everyone has secrets…everyone has demons.
He hears her soft footsteps through the condo before he sees her, "'iv?" He hears her surprised cry and then a dull thud against the wall, his eyes pop open, "You alr—"
Her hand is left hand is massaging her right shoulder, "OW! Fuck, El! You say I'm quiet?"
He sits up, running his hand over his face as he glances at his watch. 5:32 AM, "Sorry." His voice is thick with sleep and shame.
Her face heats immediately, and she finds herself staring into kind baby blue eyes but all she can feel is fear, "Go back—"
"I'm glad you're home, you want something—"
"No. Go back to sleep, El I'll lock up—" she watches his face fall and guilt creeps up her back, "El—"
"How much sleep have you gotten this—"
Her eyes fall to the floor and she shakes her head a little, "I can't sleep right now, El."
"We can talk—"
"No."
He stands and walks towards her, taking the NYPD duffle bag from her and placing in on the chair, and he realizes she's still using the one with the broken zipper. "I can make you something to eat—"
"I got something I have to do. I'm just here because I had to leave before Cragen came in." He grins at the memories of them trying to come and go under the radar so Cragen wouldn't yell, "He gave me the weekend off and he wanted me gone last night so if he saw me—"
"You would've been caught," he smirks.
"Yeah. I figured I could drop off my bag so I wouldn't have to—" she cuts herself off and kicks her foot against the hardwood, "I would've gone to Brian's but—"
"I'm glad you're here."
A small smile flits across her face and she squeezes his hand. "I'm just gonna grab a sweatshirt if that's alright?"
"Whatever you want. You have a pile of clean clothes on your bed." He watches her nod, and she whispers a soft 'thanks' before she's leaving through the front door again.
He forces himself to give her a thirty-minute head start before he's following her out the door, with two traveler's mugs filled with piping hot coffee. He tries to take his time well aware that they may actually fight over his decision to follow her to Brooklyn but he can't let her do this alone. Whatever debt, whatever guilt she's been trying to appease since the woman died, shouldn't be carried by her alone, but he knows he has to prove it to her.
Olivia had always been a person who favored actions over words. Actions were permanent and stable. Words were fickle and could easily be twisted and turned. Elliot had always thought it came from living with a physically abusive, alcoholic mother; he realizes now it had always been about more than words being fickle, she craved consistency and stability.
The flower shop across the street has just opened their doors when he pulls into the empty parking lot to grab two red roses, and then he continues his journey through the gates across the street. He doesn't pull up directly in front of her mother's grave but parks on the "main" road inside the cemetery just before the curve that leads to Serena's headstone. She's kneeling in front of the stone when he arrives and he watches her short hair, pulled back in a small half-up ponytail, dance in the wind.
He knew she'd come here.
She's been doing this since the Ashley Black case, atones for her self-perceived sins. It's her punishment when there's a case that brings up bad memories of her childhood, it's the cost she pays for her existence when a case reminds her of her mother.
He's never seen anybody do this before, sure he's heard stories of widows who visited their spouse daily or weekly for years, but he's never heard of someone who atones for their sins in this fashion. Then again, she's the only person he knows that is truly on her own.
The wind picks up again and he sees her body visibly shake and he turns off the vehicle before he's grabbing their coffee and climbing out of the truck. He approaches her slowly careful not to startle her but before he can say anything, he hears her soft voice.
"What are you doing here, Elliot?"
"Making sure you're alright," he wraps his coat around her and cups her cheek with the palm of his warm hand, "Your freezing, we shou—"
"No." She stays firmly planted where she sits cross-legged on the ground but she pushes her arms through his coat, wrapping it around herself tightly, "How'd you know?"
"Told you I know what you do," her eyes fall to her hands and he sits down beside her on the ground staring at the gravestone, "Liv you need sleep."
Her fingertips peek out from the arms of his jacket and he watches her pick at the grass in front of her, tossing it in front of her, and her voice is raw and defeated, "I can't. Ten years, El. Ten years being locked away…he kidnapped the first woman and she…I know it was Stockholm Syndrome but I…I still hated her, I hated a victim," she sobs. "I'm becoming like—"
"No, you're not. You are not becoming like Serena," he wraps his arms around her, kissing her head, "You are one of the most compassionate peop—"
"Not to her I wasn't, to her I was horrible."
"Liv—"
"The boy was ten years old and—" she ducks her head again, "They were missing for ten years and we only found them because…her little boy—when I—" her voice cracks and he holds her tighter, "Nobody even realized what happened for almost—"
"Liv—"
"How long would it be before people stopped looking for me? I have no family. I barely have any friends…if I wasn't a cop…"
"I wouldn't give up looki—"
"Don't give me that shit," her voice is a hiss, pushing away from him, "You didn't even come! You didn't even come for me until I was in St. Johns! I asked Nick and he'd never met you until you came to the hospital so don't act like you were staking out the squad room waiting for them to get a lead or doing fucking coffee runs! The only person I wanted was…" a sob cuts her off thick and powerful, racks her frame enough that she grips her head with her hands staring at the ground, "Where were you?"
"Liv…"
"Don't fucking do that to me!" Hot, angry tears roll down her face and her fists land squarely on his chest, her fingers gripping his sweatshirt, "Where were you?!"
"With my mom," he stares into her angry, fiery, red tear-filled eyes and he watches her facial features soften slowly as he explains, "My siblings were worried she was gonna…hurt herself. She's been…she's been struggling again and since I'm the closest—Kathy and the kids tried calling me. We were having bad weather and she was…it doesn't matt—"
His eyes are filled with regret and sorrow and she feels guilty for her accusations but there's still confusion etched in her facial features, "When did you hear then? I didn't get transferred to St. John's until that morning you showed up so when did you hear?"
"Maureen got through that morning. She let it slip that Kathy had called all my siblings and told them off until finally Jill reluctantly booked a red-eye flight." Elliot snorts softly as he thinks of that call from Maureen that filled him with dread and turned his blood cold. Olivia feels her own lips upturn just barely as he tells her, "According to Maur, Kath ranted for about an hour about what shit kids and siblings they were to my mom and I. She called them out on their own selfishness. They knew good and well who you were and what you meant to me and they were hoping I wouldn't find out about you until she calmed down so they wouldn't have to pause their own lives."
The brunette sucks in a breath, "Kathy did that?"
"I think you have more friends and family than you think you do," he holds out a hand to her and she intertwines their fingers, "People would notice, Liv. They wouldn't give up on you no matter how many decades it took—"
"You wouldn't give up on me?"
"On my partner?" He scoffs wrapping her in his arms, kissing her head when it falls onto her shoulder, "Never. They'd have to kill me first."
Her arms wrap around his waist, squeezing him tightly, "Don't say that. Don't wanna think about you…I wouldn't survive losing you again," her voice is mumbled. "El?"
"Hm?"
"Can we go? I can't talk anymore and…can we just go? Please?"
"Thought you'd never ask," he mumbles with a smile forcing himself up, "My ass is frozen," she laughs as he pulls her up and hands her the two roses he brought earlier.
There's a large box waiting for them when they return to his condo, "You order something?" He glances over his shoulder meeting her insecure eyes and her eyes dart away from his, and he knows, "Liv?"
"Your gift."
He can't help the grin that appears as he lifts the box to carry it inside, "It seems heavy," she shrugs as he places it on the bar, "I bet I love it," he tries again.
Brown eyes roll as she collapses on the couch staring down at her hands helplessly, "It isn't what you said though. The only thing I got that you told me was the chocolate, I just saw this and thought it was something you'd like but—"
"The best gifts are the ones that come from the heart, Liv," he hands her a fresh cup of coffee and sits on the edge of the coffee table.
"I should've just…a sweatshirt didn't seem like enough but I shouldn't have tried…"
"I'm sure I'll love it."
"The last time I brought Brian a gift he laughed at me and returned it," her eyes jump around the room and he wrapped his hands around her clammy ones. "You can't return it," her words are rushed and breathy, "I was stupid and I…I got a custom design so you can't," she bites her lower lip.
"You know me better than anyone if you liked it then I'll love it," he squeezes her hands.
Olivia pulls her hand away from his and tangles it in her hair, "I don't want your kids or Kathy to know I don't want them to think I can't get you a gift," her breath is fast and her fingers fiddle with lower lip, "I don't want them to know how awkward I am."
"My kids love you and Kathy considers you a friend nobody is gonna judge you," he moves to sit beside her and kisses her head, "You wanna go get some sleep before your appoint—"
"I don't have therapy today," she can't help but lean into him, finally succumbing to the exhaustion, "Ava's sick."
He grabs the fuzzy blanket and covers her, "Sleep Liv. I'll be here when you wake up."
"Can't feel like I'm gonna be sick," she forces herself to swallow, "I think this case made me physically ill."
"You've been pushing yourself too hard and your body needs sleep if you're going to keep this up," his hand slips into her short hair.
"If I sleep the nightmares come, they did in the crib," she sounds more despondent than he's heard her before and he wonders if part of her being here is a silent attempt to stay grounded. A silent attempt to not float away into oblivion. "It's easier when I just pass out, he doesn't come as quickly."
"I'll be here and I'll wake you up if he comes but you need sleep, Liv."
"Can we talk until I'm ready to give in?" She curls closer to him and he can feel her heart pounding against his side.
"Whatever you want," they're both silent for a long couple of moment as silence fills the room again. He watches her mouth open and close twice before he finally cuts through the silence with a bright tone, "Anyone like your hair?"
"Yeah."
He stays silent. He watches her sigh, and her eyes close for a moment.
"Some people." She burrows herself further into the couch, further into him, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Mhmm."
He watches her suck in a breath, preparing herself, "You still think I turned out alright?" Her words fall out of her mouth breathy, like she's been running for her life and in a way, she still is running. Her body tenses, his silence is apparently the only answer she needs, doesn't see his mouth open and close repeatedly, unable to find the words. "Guess not. At least Ava can't get angry with me for not doing her homework," she moves to pull away from him and he wraps his arms around her tighter, he sees her chin quiver, "Let me go Elliot, please let me—"
"No."
Her lower lip trembles, "Just let me go," a single tear slides down her cheek, "I'll be fine. I'll be fine but you don't have to embarrass me not like this," she pushes against him again but her attempts are weak at best, the exhaustion and emotional breakdown working against her.
"I think you turned out great."
Her eyes roll, "You're just saying that cause I'm having a mental breakdown and you feel sorry for me cau—"
"No, I'm not Livia. You've dealt with more than most and you continue to fight, your childhood alone would've and has broken plenty of people and will break plenty of people who come after you." He wipes the teardrop with his thumb, "I couldn't have asked for a better partner, a better role model for my kids, a better God-Mother for Eli, or a better best friend. I hit a grand slam the day I met you sixteen years ago."
Her chin quivers again and she bites her lower lip hard, in a futile attempt to hold off her tears, "You didn't say anything again though, you were so silent I thou—"
"Do you ever have that dream…nightmare I guess, where you open your mouth bu—"
"But you can't say anything?" Another tear slips down her cheek, "Like somebody punched you in your windpipe and all you can do is stand there and watch, and you know what you wanna say, your brain is telling you what to say but you can't get the words out?"
"Yeah, like that. Sometimes you just have to give me a moment to process what you're saying," he wipes away another tear as she stares into his eyes.
"Why? You've never had this problem before why now are yo—"
He shrugs as he gently pushes her hair behind her ears, "Cause you matter to me and its important to me that I'm as honest and transparent as you've been with me."
"Silence worries me, silence makes me think that you heard me and you're just acting like you've somehow acquired sudden onset deafness," he snorts, chuckling softly. A small smile appears on her lips before it falls again, "Especially now. It makes my brain race and my thoughts build-up of all the scenarios where you think I'm actually damaged goods and you've just been trying to be nice so you don't hurt my feelings."
"I didn't know. I never thought that silence could into a tailspin of anxious thinking and negative self-talk," her chin quivers again and he wraps his arms around her letting her snuggle into him as silent tears fall. "Maybe we can come up with a system?"
"A system?"
"Yeah, a system like..." he thinks for a moment before he grins, "Maybe grunting? One grunt means still thinking and two mea—" she smacks his chest and he laughs harder, "Ow that hurt!"
"Liar," her voice is thick but playful and his continuous laughter is answer enough.
It's a few minutes of silence and this time the momentary lapse of conversation isn't awkward, "We can come up with a system though alright?" Nods. "Did Cassidy come visit you?"
"Yep," her lips pop apart at the end.
"Did he like your hair?"
He watches her fingers play with a loose string on the blanket, "I guess. He said the messy curls didn't look so messy so I guess that's a compliment to Lizzie's skills."
There's silence again and her breathing slows, relaxed and even, "This is helping can you keep going?"
"About what?"
"Don't care, just talk."
He plays with her hair thinking, "We're going to an Italian restaurant tomorrow."
"The same one Brian took me to?"
"God, I hope not," he mumbles and when she pulls away to look at him he feels his cheeks heat with guilt, "Sorry I just—"
She sighs and waves a hand, "I know. I know you hate him and I know my relationship with…I know I'm not healthy enough for this relationship but I just…I've never had something like this last this long. He used to be nicer to me before he happened. Maybe this is just something we…I have to suffer through until we get good again?"
No.Elliot thinks,this sounds like the same things he heard from victims, male and female, who thought if they could just do better, be better, like it was somehow their fault. He wants to say something, tell her that all her years training tells her the exact opposite of what she's convincing herself of right now, and he has to bite his tongue because he has this tendency to be too blunt. He reminds himself that she doesn't need a cop or a detective right now to lecture her on double standards. She needs a friend, she needs her best friend and partner to be there and right now she's here, safe.
He presses his lips into her head and he feels her sigh, "Sleep Liv. I'll be here."
"I don't wanna give up yet," before he can bring himself reply she's fallen asleep
Ch. 22:
They make it to the restaurant just before the sun has officially set and Olivia breathes a sigh of relief as she steps inside. The Italian restaurant he's chosen is packed, unsurprisingly for a Saturday night, but the night is off to a good start so far, his reservations and his request for a table by the window have been successful. They're the first to arrive five minutes early and Olivia sits in the closest seat to the window the cool air and lack of people on the other side of her helps to quell the growing anxiety of being in a packed restaurant.
He sits beside her and he leans in, his lips against her ear, "You look gorgeous tonight."
She looks around at the other women patrons and then down at her own dark-wash skinny jeans and top, "I'm underdressed I should've…"
He wraps his arm around her shoulders, "You look gorgeous," he presses his lips to her head. "Don't worry about everyone else, Liv."
She nods a little and the waiter appears to begin taking their drink order and they both stick to water, she looks down at her hands fiddling with her fingers, "You could've gotten a beer."
"Maybe with dinner, one is plenty," his fingers tickle her upper arm.
"I'm sorry I've-"
"Liv! You made it!" She jumps a little at the unexpected voice and her eyes fall on Maureen and Will, and if she notices she doesn't mention it as Olivia and Elliot stand. Maureen's eyes take her in before she pulls her close and her voice is softer, "You look incredible, I love the boots."
"You look gorgeous Maureen," the blonde woman squeezes her hand a little before stepping aside to hug her father and Will reaches out to shake Olivia's hand. Maureen sits beside her and she's surprised to find how easily the conversation comes between the four of them.
It's a few minutes later before everyone else filters in and Lizzie whines when she realizes Maureen has already taken the spot beside her and then she swats Dickie in the chest. "You made us wait for you to wrap dad's gift and now Maur is sitting by Liv!"
Kathleen rolls her eyes as she takes the seat side Elliot, "Yeah, well you're the one who got to give Liv a haircut that you haven't stopped talking about!"
"All fricken week!" Dickie adds and Lizzie punches his arm.
Olivia is tense beside him and he grins at her, "Kids I swear. You still think I raised good kids?"
"What exactly do you think I was doing while you raised them, Elliot? Eating bon bons and watching Dance Moms?" The voice is humorous and he looks up into her bright blue eyes, before she turns to look at her twins, "When are you two ever going to stop fighting?"
"When pigs fly," Dickie retorts with a grin and Kathy rolls her eyes.
"Wonderful."
Olivia busies herself with buttering her bread, but she doesn't move to eat it. When she finally forces herself to look up, she finds herself staring into Kathy's expectant yet kind eyes, "How…how's Eli?"
"Good excited that he's coming to see you tomorrow," she grabs a piece of bread for her and Mark and takes the butter from Dickie. "You'd think he'd be more excited for Jacob's birthday party but all he could talk about was seeing you tomorrow, Liv," she waves a finger making a triangle between Elliot, Mark, and herself, "I guess we're useless."
"How nice of Eli to confirm it for us," Elliot mumbles sarcastically as he bites off a piece of his bread.
They place their drink orders as they look over the menu, Olivia excuses herself to the restroom a few moments later. Elliot watches her disappear down the hallway to the bathrooms but before he can do anything, Kathy pushes back her chair, "I think I'm gonna go as well before we order."
Her eyes catch his as she stands from the table and he sighs and running a hand over his face as Kathy leaves the table.
Despite the packed restaurant, the bathroom is surprisingly empty and Olivia is standing in front of the sink, gripping the counter one hand as she uses the other as cup to bring to her mouth. The brunette doesn't appear to hear the door open until Kathy takes a few steps inside, her heels click-clacking against the tile, and Olivia jumps looking up in surprise. She reaches for a paper towel wiping her mouth with it, "El send you?"
The blonde smirks, "No. I figured you'd rather see me in here than Elliot?"
"You'd be right."
Kathy smiles leaning her shoulder against the wall, "You alright?"
"It wasn't the bread I can assure you of that," she stares into the sink, breathing slowly waiting for the wave of nausea to pass over her.
"El will take you home if you wa—"
"I'm just nervous."
Kathy hands her a piece of mint gum, "Cause it's that time of the month or—" Olivia's head snaps up and the blonde woman runs a hand through her hair, agitated with herself, "I didn't mean it like that. I meant with…since it's been a month since Lew—"
"We don't say his name usually," she stares at her hands, "El and I don't say his name usually," her request is silent but Kathy still nods.
"Is it cause of him?" the blonde watches her for a moment and then she sucks in a breath and her question is a whisper, "…Is it cause of us?" The brunette shrugs, fiddling with her hands, "Liv—"
"His birthday used to be spent in a car not—I mean not like—"
"I know."
She kicks the toe of her boot at the tile, "Maybe I should go. I don't wanna ruin his night and the kids…your family deserves to have a family night without me intru—"
"Don't leave everybo—"
"I'm a mess, Kath. I get invited to my best friend's birthday dinner and I trap myself in the bathroom of the restaurant cause I—" she slips her hands into her hair, digging her nails into her scalp. "I'm embarrassing myself in front of a family I envied for over a decade," her voice despondent.
The other woman takes a step forward, "You're not embarrassing yourself, it's just din—"
"No. No it's not," her voice is haggard and pleading, eyes jumpy, "It's dinner and then gifts and then…I don't do this, I don't—"
Kathy wraps her cool hand around Olivia's clammy one, "One step at a time."
She scoffs but it's closer to a chuckle, "You sound like my therapist."
The woman smiles and squeezes her hand, "It's just dinner. I know we're a huge family but we're not that intimidating," she smiles as their eyes meet, "And we're definitely not as put-together as you think."
Olivia follows Kathy back to the table, like petulant child headed for a time out. Elliot smiles as she sits down beside him and she looks down at the empty space in front of her, and he must see the confusion cause he says, "We ordered, Liv."
Her eyes drop as she nods picking her bread apart.
Kathy smiles up at Mark, "What'd you order for me?"
"Lasagna," the man says with a smile as Kathy leans into kiss him.
Olivia's eyes dart quickly towards Elliot but she doesn't lift her head and instead Kathleen leans forward a little just barely catching her eye, "Dad ordered for you, Liv."
"You did?"
"Wasn't gonna let you starve while we gorged ourselves on Italian," brown eyes blink at him slowly, "What do you take me for?" His voice is light and humorous and the table laughs but his eyes are sincere, communicating more than his words can and she feels like she's being pulled from rough tide, finally able to breathe again.
"Do you know what I'd order?" Maureen's voice breaks through their silent conversation.
"It'd be easier to list what you wouldn't eat," Will's voice is playful and the smile appears despite his best attempts, causing Dickie to laugh loudly as Mark makes a joke about Elliot kicking his ass.
Maureen hits his arm laughing, "Hey! At least this one didn't make me as nauseous as the twins I remember your non-stop worrying that I wasn't eating enough." The younger woman catches Olivia staring at her, "Sorry Liv, that was disgusting."
Elliot manages to look up just in time to see the dark look on her face before she can mask it, and he catches Kathy staring at her before she looks away.
"Well, at least Will isn't like dad who just presumes that he knows what Liv wants to eat," Dickie switches the topic on accident.
Olivia's thankful.
"Thirteen years as partners I did learn some things," the brunette's head ducks as he reminds his family yet again that the only reason she's here is cause they were partners.
"Remember that one time Liv saved dad's life that one time cause she knew he wouldn't eat Sushi when that crazy tech guy what's his na—"
"Stuckey. Dale Stuckey," Kathy provides her voice dark, and Olivia watches Mark's arm slip around her shoulders and the blonde woman leans into him.
"Yeah, so maybe he does know something," Kathleen says with a shrug and her voice is brimming with sarcastic humor.
"Thank you, my darling daughter," he mumbles sarcastically and Kathleen grins and kisses his cheek. He smiles at the brunette and she can't help but smile back, "I ordered you Minestrone soup and Chicken Marsala, figured you weren't feeling something heavier since you weren't feeling well."
"You haven't been feeling well, Liv?"
Maureen.
Quiet and concerned.
Olivia moves away from her a little and the younger woman's face falls, and she thinks she's misread the reason behind Maureen's concern but she keeps the distance, "Case was bad and I pulled long hours. I guess the lack of sleep and being away for so long made me susceptible or something, the nausea is the worst of it though."
Elliot can't see his eldest daughter but Kathy's eyes are filled with concern as she looks at their eldest and he's just about to approach the topic when salads and soups appear in front of everyone.
The food is good, better than the restaurant Brian had taken her too and even though most of her Chicken Marsala ends up in a box, she eats more than she has all week. Her mood lifts as the conversations continue and Elliot's hand settles itself on her knee and it grounds her, keeps her from floating away.
"Anything else folks?" Dessert plates have been cleared away and the waiter smiles at them.
Kathy shakes her head, "No I'll just take the check whenev—"
"Well she actually gave me her card at the beginning of the meal," he glances at Olivia, "Did you want to split—"
"Yes."
"No."
Kathy sighs glancing at Elliot for help as the kids watch partially in amusement at this argument, "Liv—"
"My treat for letting me intrude tonight."
The other woman sighs again, "Liv—" Elliot shakes his head subtly and she smiles again, "Thank you, Liv." There's a chorus of appreciation from around the table and her cheeks heat again from the attention.
They pack into the family room Olivia in between Kathleen and Lizzie on the couch, Maureen sits in the chair against the wall while everyone else takes chairs from around the kitchen table. "Who's first?"
"Dickie and I!"
He laughs as he looks down at the box, "What the hell is a Carnivore box?" The room laughs and Elliot opens the box to look inside swatting Mark's hands away when he reaches for some beef jerky.
"We got you a year subscription," Lizzie's voice is high and excited.
Elliot looks between his twins and Kathy bursts into laughter again, "A year?"
"Hey don't look at me! She convinced me that you would love this I voted on getting you a sweatshirt," Dickie raises his hands to surrender, "She thought it was the perfect gift for you."
"When does this thing arrive every month? Cause I'm coming over the day you get it," Mark says as he swipes some beef jerky from the box, "Kath this is what I want for Christmas."
"'Kay. I think it's safe to say that Lizzie and Dickie have helped me find the perfect gift for the men in our family," Kathleen laughs as Ryan and Dickie both rummage through the box.
"Who's next? Liv?"
Her eyes pop up to his, she looks like she's hoping that hole swallows her up, "Let your kids go first."
"Well actually," Kathleen's eyes move nervously between Maureen's and Kathy's, "We uh—"
"We got one big gift from all of us," Kathy explains as Mark pulls an envelope from the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it to him.
His eyes curiously glance at all of them as he opens the envelope slowly pulling out the piece of paper, "This is a…" he reads over the piece of paper, "This is a reservation for two at the Lodge of Woodloch." He glances between Mark and Kathy, "Isn't this the place where you got engaged?" Kathy nods. "This is way too expen—"
"We split it between Andrew and Kathleen, Will and I, and mom and Mark. Mom and Mark paid the most thou—"
Kathy waves a hand as she sips her wine, "You deserve it, El."
"And who exactly am I supposed to take to spend four nights in Poconos, Pennsylvania?" His eyes unintentionally lead to Olivia who is decidedly not looking at him, "I can't just pick a woman off the street, this is five days and four nights at a resort that is a state away."
Kathy smiles at him softly, "I think you'll find someone."
Lizzie grins, "And if not I'm available."
"Me too!"
"Uh if anyone's gonna get to go it's his pregnant daughter!"
"PUH-LEASE! You're not even pregnant with twins this time," Lizzie laughs as Maureen leans forward to swat her leg but the other girl jerks away quickly.
"Liv will you please hit her for me?"
Olivia physically shakes herself and her eyes blink slowly as they find Maureen's, "Sorry I—what'd you say?"
Maureen shakes her head glancing at her parents across the room, she's unintentionally walked into the wolves den and she doesn't know how to get out. "Nothing important, Liv," her voice is soaked in concern as she looks down to where Will is sitting cross-legged on the floor beside her chair, "I'm actually getting tired. Maybe we can do game night at Sunday Dinner instead?"
There's an awkward silence that settles over the room for a moment, before Kathy nods in agreement, "It's getting late and I'm gonna be here tomorrow dropping Eli off."
The brunette wraps her arms around herself, "You still have to open my gift, El," her voice is hoarse and she nudges the large rectangular box closer to him with her foot, "Hope you like it."
He rips her perfect wrapping paper and he'd seen the evidence in the trashcan this morning, her overwhelming desire to seem put-together and perfect, the exact opposite of how she feels. He braces the box between his knees and pops open the side of the box and he pulls the wooden object out of the box taking in the large sign, "Liv," he breathes out softly.
A wooden wall sign with the Marine Corp flag at one end, the police flag at the other, and the American flag between them and in the middle, engraved into the wood 6313. His badge number.
"How much did that cost you?"
"Dickie!" Kathy admonishes exasperated.
He shrugs and his face is apologetic but he can't help but force the point, "But it's special ordered I mean it must've—"
"It's gorgeous, Liv," Elliot interrupts.
She gives a one-shouldered shrug as Kathleen rests her head on the other shoulder and Lizzie leans against her, "Glad you like it," her voice is despondent.
Kathy's eyes find his, "We should go it's late and—"
The brunette's head lifts suddenly glancing around the room before landing on Elliot, "I thought we were gonna play board games?" He's too busy wondering how much of tonight she was actually present for and how much was spent a world away, to answer her even though her eyes are pleading with him.
"I think everyone is starting to get tired, Liv," Kathy explains softly.
"Oh."
The kids stand to hug her and Mark and Will both shake her hand before they head to the front door with Elliot for their coats and to say their goodbyes, leaving her alone with Kathy. The other woman steps towards her, while she stares down at her feet, trying to stop the assault of tears that are building in her chocolate eyes, "I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong," her voice is soft and understanding.
She glances up to Kathy's concerned blue eyes, but her face immediately blurs, "A month ago tomorrow is one month since—"
"I know."
"How?"
Broken.
"Liv I'm gonna walk them out alright?"
"Yeah…" she looks to Kathy, anxious.
Kathy looks at Mark, "Liv and I are gonna talk for another minute while you warm up the car, you know I hate being cold," her voice is playful and joking but the light tone doesn't meet her eyes. The door of the apartment closes a moment later and Olivia sinks into the couch as Olivia rests her head against her hand, "Liv—"
"How'd you know, Kathy?"
Desperate. Broken.
"Cause I remembered, Liv." She tries to keep her voice level, untainted by the disbelief, at the woman's question because, who wouldn't remember? Kathy sits beside her, slipping her hand into Olivia's, "Eli doesn't have to come tomorr—"
"No. No, I won't do that to them. I'll go to Brian's place or…or something, I'll go somewhere else I won't come between them like that, they deserve to see each other for his—"
"They see each other often, Liv. We do 50/50 custody well, and Eli doesn't lack for either of us. He can come later this week instead, give you and El a day," a silent sob wracks the brunette's body, "How about you talk with El and he can let me know?" The brunette nods as her free hand tangles in her hair, "You wanna talk?"
"I wouldn't know where begin," another silent sob wracks her body, "I'm scared."
"Are you having flashbacks? You seemed to be trapped in your head since we got he—"
The brunette lifts her head to stare into Kathy's frosty blue eyes, "I'm late, Kath. I'm…" she curls into herself wrapping her arms around her knees, "I'm late. I thought…I was hoping, praying that it was just the start of—" she cuts herself off waving a hand and Kathy nods, "I thought maybe it was cause of that or maybe the stress from everything."
"Liv—"
"I saw your face, Kathy. Hell, I saw Maureen's face you were both thinking it," she rests her chin on her knees staring ahead, "I'm right aren't I?"
The other woman sighs and then nods, reluctantly, "You're right that we were thinking it but obviously…I mean how late is late?"
Tears fall steadily down her cheeks, "Three weeks? Almost three weeks?"
"You're not on birth control?"
She shakes her head slowly, "I went off it over the summer I was thinking about IVF one last time before…fuck!"
"Could it be Brian's?"
She scoffs, "You've never met Brian Cassidy, have you?" The other woman shakes her head, "He's been…since I went off Birth Control he's been pretty damn selfish."
"How nice for him," her voice is sarcastic and Olivia let's out another scoff that's closer to a chuckle this time, "I can—"
The door opens and Olivia jumps, uncurling herself as she stands nervously by the couch her eyes pleading with Kathy's and she hurriedly whispers, begging, "Please don't say anything?"
"I won't. I prom—"
"Mark has the car running, Kath." Elliot glances between the two of them as he approaches her but she recoils from him, nearly falling into the coffee table beside the couch, "Everything alright?"
Kathy smiles as Olivia kicks her bare feet against the hardwood, her eyes downcast, "Yeah we were just talking. I'm gonna go alright?" Elliot nods although he knows that she's checking for Olivia's sake, not his, the woman stays silent and still, "Liv?"
The brunette nods once, "Thank you." A pause before she says again, softer, "Thank you for everything."
Kathy reaches for the other woman and Elliot almost stops her, but the brunette willingly let's the other woman pull her into a tight hug. Olivia vanishes once Kathy releases her and finds himself opening and closing his mouth several times before he finally asks, "I know," he glances at his watch 12:30 A.M., "I know tomorrow is her one-month anniversary but—"
"I promised her I wouldn't say anything and I won't betray her like that, El." His eyes plead with her, "Just…be there for her—"
"She won't let me touch her. You saw her, she didn't want me—"
The woman pulls on her jacket, "You know what she's going through, you were a SVU Detective and a good one for over decade. All your years of training tells you exactly how she's feeling but it's hard now cause its Liv, you still gotta respect that though. She's your partner, your best friend, but now she's a vi—"
"I know."
Her face softens for a moment, "El—"
"I know," his voice is pleading and his face twists into a look of torture, mental torture she thinks, "I know what you're trying to tell me I just don't want to hear that not today, please?"
She nods once, "Okay I'm sorry," she sighs running her hand through her hair, "I'm gonna go okay?"
"Thanks, Kathy. What time are you bringing Eli tomorrow?" Her face drops for a moment and his follows, "You promised, you knew what tomorrow was for her but you—"
"I'm not doing it cause of her, I'm doing it for her. You have to put her first tomorrow because I know that if he's here she's gonna put herself last, she's to selfless for her own good just like you always said. I told her to talk with you about it but—"
He chuckles humorlessly, "Yeah she'll sweep that under the rug."
"I'll call you in the morning and we'll figure it out."
He's just finished the cleaning the minimal mess in the family room when his phone buzzes with Kathy's name, "Kath?"
"Are you still up? I forgot something and I was hoping—"
"Yeah, where are you? I'll buzz you—"
"At your door."
He smiles as he swings open the door and hangs up the phone with his other hand, "Mark must be—" she waves him off as she steps into the condo, "What'd you forget? I figured it was your purse but—"
"Mark is fine. Liv up still?"
"She was taking a shower up until about ten minutes ago so I assume—" she stalks past him, her heels click clacking against his floor and he follows her helplessly, "She doesn't want—"
"Just give me five minutes alone with her, El," he sighs but she stops outside of Eli's room so the woman can't hear their conversation, "Five minutes. I need her to know that she can trust me and in order for me to prove that she can trust me, you can't be around."
He glances down the hall and sighs, "I'll be in the family room. Don't violate her trust."
She waits until he disappears down the hallway and then she walks the short distance to Olivia's room, knocking on the door. "Not now, Elliot."
"It's not Elliot, Liv."
The door swings open and Olivia's bloodshot eyes jump anxiously up and down the hallway, "Where's—"
"Family room. Can I come in?"
The brunette busies herself with picking up the clothes strewn about the room, the room is clean and yet just chaotic enough that Kathy can tell she's been struggling since she left the precinct. "He gave me his room he hasn't even—"
"I don't care about that and it isn't why I'm in here, or even why I'm here at the moment." She reaches into her purse pulling out a Walgreens plastic bag, "There's a 24-hour Walgreens up the street and I got you a test."
She reaches for the box pulling it out of the bag and she stares down at the Clearblue pregnancy test, "You didn't have to do this."
"I wanted you to have the option to find out tonight if you want, I know you probably would've waited until you finally had a moment to slip away from the precinct and take it in in some scummy stall."
"Does Mark know?"
"No."
"Does Elliot know?"
"No."
She sighs nodding as she stares down at the box, "Will you wait with me?"
"Of course."
Kathy is sitting on the edge of the bed when the bathroom door opens, "Takes three minutes or less according to the box."
"Whatever it says you have the entire Stabler clan backing you up," Kathy squeezes her hand again, "Even if I may not be a Stabler after this year."
Brown eyes stare down at the test, begging time to go both faster and slower, "I always said if it ever happened this way, I'd…I wouldn't be able to go through with the pregnancy. My mother had…my mother way horrible and a drunk and I've sworn I'd never end up like her and now—"
"You're not her."
"I've been thinking about this for almost three weeks and I…I know what I always said," she glances at Kathy, "I want to break this generational curse."
"If anybody can it'd be you, Liv."
The test flashes, she sees it out of the corner of her eye but she can't bring herself look, "Can you tell me?"
"You're pregnant, Liv."
Ch. 23:
The condo is pitch black.
He stands staring out into the dark hallway.
He sways and his shoulder bumps against the doorframe, he let's his body lean against the frame.
His eyes close helplessly and he thinks that whatever sound awoke him was just him being paranoid, he's been dreading his birthday more than usual because he knows what it means for her. That paranoia and dread must be why he's awake right now, his anxiety has been on high alert and now it's taking advantage of his deep, yet tortured sleep.
The shower is still running, the quiet lull of the water can just barely be heard in his room but his breathing slows as he listens to it, letting it calm him again. The water had lulled him to sleep, he'd let himself listen to it as he'd snuggled deeper into his own blankets.
It hadn't taken him long then to fall asleep, it hadn't taken him long for his dreams to turn to thoughts of her and Lewis either but he was finally sleeping and he hadn't awoken until nowt.
He turns back to the bed glances at the clock and the glowing red numbers tell him it's 3:36 A.M., he sighs as his head falls back into the pillows and he feels his eyes close. He can just barely hear the steady stream of water, just enough to lull him back to sleep.
He lets the promise of sleep pull him back into it's comforting embrace as he listens to the shower and thinks of her standing under the warm water.
There's a problem with the water heater in the basement, he'd received notice of it early this week, the inconvenience is minimal at worst to him, but he's heard the complaining from others in the building. He'd been forced to listen to a young woman complain about it while he rode the elevator, she'd barely gotten a thirty-minute bath in before the cold water had forced her out.
The conversation had been mind-numbing.
His eyes pop open and looks at the clock, 3:42 A.M.
Suddenly, he's wide awake and he realizes fearfully that the sound that woke him was a cry for help.
Her room is empty.
Destroyed but empty. It looks like she'd pulled every piece of clothing from the drawers and he sees that the items from her mother's cardboard box, that she had deliberately not touched, has been ripped to shreds.
He picks at the clothing on the floor, realizes that his first assessment had been wrong. She'd been self-aware enough to only touch her clothes and the realization causes him to look around again, causes him to be less general and more specific.
Only her side has been destroyed.
His side of the room, when they share a bed, has purposefully been left untouched and the box of Calvin's things sits safely on his side of the room, untouched and safe from the madness.
He knocks on the door of the bathroom, the shower is still running and he can hear her sobbing now, a bit drowned out from the water but he can still hear her faintly.
"Liv? I'm gonna come in alright?"
Silence.
He cracks the door open, "Liv?"
Silence.
The fan is still on as he pushes open the door, he flips the switch moving further into the bathroom, her clothes litter the bathroom floor. "Liv? Liv can you answer me?"
Silence.
He bites his lip hard to stop the sigh that desperately wants to slip past his lips. He closes the toilet seat lid and sits down, drops his voice softer, "It's alright, Liv." He realizes this voice is the same voice he uses with victims who are children, "You don't have to say anything. I bet that water is freezing though, we're having some water heater problems in the building I'm sorry I forgot to tell you."
Silence.
"You don't have to talk to me, but I am worried about you, and I'd really like to turn off this cold water." Something catches blue catches his eye under a pile of toilet paper in the trashcan and he reaches into the trash as he talks slowly, "Can you hit the shower curtain for me?" His fingers wrap around the narrow plastic and he sucks in a breath as he stares at the small screen and the word still bright against the screen. He drops the test back into the trash and covers it with the pile of toilet paper again, his voice is distracted, "Just hit the curtain so I know you're alright?"
The curtain moves the slightest bit.
He breathes a sigh of relief and reaches his hand into the shower to turn it off and then grabs a large beach towel for her, "Do you need help getting out?"
"I need clothes…pajamas?" Her voice has been scrubbed raw.
Fuck.
"I'll get some, Liv."
"I made a mess."
"Just with your clothes we'll clean them up tomorrow," he drapes the towel over the edge of the bathtub, careful so it doesn't fall into the tub. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"'Kay." She groans in the shower and he sees just the barest tips of her fingers when she reaches for the towel, "Will you knock again? I don't want you…just knock again? Please?" She's broken and not for the first time, his presence is both a comfort and a hinderance.
Fuck.
"Yeah, Liv."
He closes the door again when he steps back into her room, he glances into the partially open drawer but it's empty, and he bends to pick through her clothes. He manages to find matching sweats but he sits on the edge of the bed, giving them both a minute to breathe, he has to be able to put aside his own thoughts and anxieties for her tonight.
She has to know that she can lean hard on him and he won't budge, but fuck she's pregnant. Hell, if he doesn't need a minute to breathe after discovering this tidbit of knowledge, that he definitely isn't supposed to know. Suddenly Kathy's behavior tonight makes sense, he should've put two and two together, he'd had five children with the woman he should be well aware of the signs of pregnancy.
Except this is Liv.
When it's Liv he basically has to throw everything he knows, any generalization he has about the world right out the window. She's always been an enigma to him, he knows her better than anyone and yet everyday he learns something new about her.
Anyone else he'd be able to tell, hell he'd known Maureen was pregnant months before her and Will decided it was safe enough to announce, had known it because of her antics. He glances back at the alarm clock sitting on her side of the bed, one more minute and then he'll knock, he thinks of her interactions with Maureen.
His breath hitches at the realization.
He's suddenly convinced that he must be blind. He knew she'd been throwing up, she admitted it to him sure she passed it off as some weird stomach thing that developed with the case, and he knew she was barely sleeping so the excuse made sense.
Easily accepted by him. No questions asked.
Thirteen years of talking to someone. Thirteen years of riding in a car with them. Thirteen years of having someone's back, and his ex-wife and eldest daughter know she's pregnant before he even thinks of the possibility.
He lets himself breathe for a moment. He'd never asked about whether she took the cocktail of drugs offered to any rape victim, she'd all but admitted that she'd been raped multiple times and he'd had her for four days.
He feels tears spring to his eyes when he has to accept that his own fears stood in the way. He hadn't let himself consider the possibility because he didn't want to consider this possibility.
"El?" Anxious.
Shit.
He's failing miserably tonight.
"Right here, Liv." The door opens and he just barely gets a look at her bloodshot eyes before she ducks her head and holds her hand out blindly for the clothes, "Sorry I uh…I was thinking and must've—"
"It's fine. Will you wait while I change?"
"Yeah."
He begins picking up the clothes from the floor while he waits for her to appear from the bathroom. Methodically folding the clothes before he sets them back in the drawer. He makes it through a good portion of the clothes before he sees the small burgundy leather-bound book and he's drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
His hand feels magnetic drawn to the book and he flips the cover open to see Serena Benson scrawled in the top right corner. He's never considered Serena Benson to be the type to keep a diary, but then again he never thought she'd subject her innocent daughter to a quarter of the things he's learned of recently.
June 13, 1968
Some do-good therapist has moved in down the hall, she's taken a special interest in helping me and apparently, she likes my little bastard enough to watch her whenever the hell I want. Tim thinks I'm taking advantage of her, I told him to go and fuck himself.
This do-gooder gets what she deserves for liking filth.
She's been trying to get me to come to her office for therapy apparently, she's working in an office building near Central Park, said I could come for free. She says that I could be a good mother for my little bastard, I tell her I don't want to be a good mother.
I tell her I never wanted to be a mother.
She's persistent though. She says if I won't come and see her the least, I can do is write in this stupid thing, thinks it'll help excise the memories of the scum who raped me and left me with his bastard.
Have I mentioned that my little bastard is 6 months old today?
I ran out of wine and the little bastard is screaming, so I guess I'll have to bring her to the market or that old couple in 2C is gonna threaten me with calling the cops again.
I wish they would.
He hears a noise just as he's about to flip the page and he closes the diary, tossing it back to the floor and there's a silent thud as it hits the carpeting. He uses his foot to cover it with a sweatshirt that he failed to pick up.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"You cleaned."
He shrugs, "Just a bit."
"Thanks." He nods helplessly and she comes to sit beside him, staring down at her hands, "I'm sorry for everything tonight."
"You don't have anything to apologize for, Liv."
"'Kay."
"Can you sleep?" Shrugs. "I can stay, if you want?"
They stare up at the ceiling, the light from the bathroom is still on providing just enough light to keep the room dimly lit but otherwise the room is dark. He glances at her as he feels her tremble again, pulling the sheets closer to her chest as she burrows into his mattress. She's still a foot away from her and he hasn't attempted to touch her since that moment with Kathy, the image of her recoiling from him won't be leaving his mind anytime soon.
"Liv?"
Terrified eyes pop open at him, "Yeah?"
"You alright?"
"Fine. I'll be…" her teeth chatters as she clamps her mouth shut, sucking in her cheeks for a moment, willing for the telling behavior to stop, "I'm fine."
He reaches out slowly, keeps his hand in her line of sight as he reaches to touch the back of her hand, "You're freezing."
"I stayed in there longer than I should've," she shrugs helplessly. Her eyes meet his and she pulls the blankets around her tighter, burrowing into them, "Did I wake you? When I was…in there?"
"I heard a noise. I thought it was just my own paranoia and being over-protective of you," he smirks at his admittance. "It wasn't until I realized how long the shower had been going for and I knew that…I got caught in the elevator with a girl around Lizzie's age in the elevator, and she was complaining about her short bath." He rolls his eyes and she smiles in spite of herself and the conversation, "Apparently, she only got thirty minutes before the cold water forced her out and you had—"
"Yeah."
"You can always talk to me, you know that right?"
"'Course I do," a sad smile appears across her lips, "Can't yet." He nods understandingly and she watches him through half-lidded eyes that she refuses to close, "Did Kathy men—"
"No, course not."
Her teeth chatters as her body trembles again, "Can I uh…can you—"
"Thought you'd never ask, Liv," he wraps his arms around her smaller frame, and her face buries into his chest.
She lets herself finally breathe for what feels like the first time that night.
Friday October 25, 2013:
The condo is silent when he gets home just like it was the day before, and the day before that, and before that, and…well…just like everyday since she left on Monday morning. He sighs rubbing the back of his neck as he steps into her spotless room, it feels like he's invading her and he has to stop himself from knocking, almost apologizes for even being in here. He steps into his small walk-in closet pulling off his button-down shirt as he searches the top shelf of his closet for the gray Hudson Dad sweatshirt that Maureen and Kathleen brought him years ago.
He's pulling down the sweatshirt when there's a sudden thud, just barely misses his toe, and he pulls on the sweatshirt before he bends to pick it up. His breath catches in his throat as he stares down at the familiar leather-bound book, he had seen the remnants of Serena's box in the trash and he'd figured that she'd thrown this away too. He walks back into the family room, sits on the couch as he stares down at the journal, runs his thumb over the worn leather and his thoughts race of her.
He has so many questions for her. Why hadn't she put this in the safe? Why did she hide this on the top shelf of his closet? Why hadn't she told him about this?
He can't ask her though and its torture, everything since finding this book is torture. Since Sunday, since he read that first entry, it's been torture.
He'd always assumed that Serena had been isolated, especially after the car crash that took her parents from her too soon. He always thought she'd been shunned, despite her successful career as an English Professor, he had just assumed that both mother and daughter had been shunned.
Except Serena hadn't been isolated not at first, anyways. There were people who expressed concern for her, who'd attempted to steer her towards being a good mother, had attempted to help her under the radar. Nobody had realized that this behavior of sweeping Serena's troubles under the rug, the half-assed attempts to help her without actually helpingher, had left an innocent child isolated.
In the midst of the chaos, Olivia had been pushed aside.
Even from birth, nobody has ever put her first.
He hesitantly opens the journal, glances nervously at the door even though he knows she won't be here tonight and then he flips to the second entry. He sighs as he stares down at the date, scrawled loopy but slightly messy handwriting, August 26, 1968.
Tears prick at his eyes before he can even begin reading. He closes the journal setting it beside him as his hands run over his face, tears stream down his face.
Fuck.
He reaches blindly for the book, wiping his tears on his sleeve and he sighs, staring down at the book for a moment. Serena's writing is loopy and scrawled, messy. His eyes close and for a moment he can almost see Serena, pen in one hand and a glass of white wine dangling from her other hand.
His phone vibrates against the end table and he jumps at the intrusive noise, the book falls to the floor, as he answers, "Liv?"
"Yeah. Can you do dinner?"
"What?"
"Ca…wo…would you wanna do dinner?" Before he can answer she rushes to explain, "I need a break from the precinct and…I mean I could meet you so you don't hav—"
"Come home," he pleads he can hear her suck in a breath, "'Livia com—"
"No." She goes silent and he pulls the phone away from his ear to see if she's disconnected. "Can you do dinner or not?"
"Yeah."
"Is the diner okay or do you want somewhere clo—"
"The diner's fine," his voice is gruff and he clears his voice, "I can pick you up?"
"Fine."
The diner is empty when they arrive.
Then again it's after nine at night an awkward time even for a cop's hangout. It's too late for the dayshift officers to come in for a bite to eat and yet too early for the nightshift. Elliot shrugs off his coat tossing it into the booth before he sits down, she curls into her own.
"I wasn't expecting this tonight."
"Hope I didn't interrupt your plans for the—" he shakes his head and she breathes a sigh of relief, "'Kay. Thanks for coming though."
"You know that I'm always up for food," he grins at her hitting her hand gently with the plastic menu before he opens it and he watches her force a smile.
"How was Eli?"
"Good, missed you though. He's already planning his birthday party, gonna be the Saturday before Thanksgiving, we did it after Thanksgiving last year and it was a mess. The kids had fun but Kathy was stressed and of course she hosts Thanksgiving so she was…" he shakes his head at the memory, "It was a week of cleaning and cooking for her shoved into a span of three days."
She nods staring down in her mug of tea, "What's the theme this year?" She knows enough about kids, or enough about his kids to know that their parties always have a theme.
"Harry Potter. We're getting wands…God help us if somebody gets stabbed in the eye," he mutters sarcastically and she can't help but laugh at him and his worries, but it's the first real smile he's seen in far too long.
A silence blankets the table then he'd gotten lost in her laugh and let it go for a second too long and now they're awkward, back in unknown waters. They're both reminded that two years ago this wouldn't have been the case, there would've been no awkward silence when he brought up his youngest's birthday party. Now though, everything's different and yet, somehow still the same.
"Sounds like fun. You should get those jellybeans that taste like flavors from the movies, remember we tried them that one time when you found them in that bodega in—"
"When we were on that stakeout in Chelsea, right?" The brunette nods and grins as her finger spins around the rim of her mug, "That lasted like six hours and we didn't get shit!"
They laugh.
The waitress delivers his buttermilk pancakes and her chicken noodle soup, that he deliberately doesn't comment about other than to ask if it's good.
"Was fun though."
"Hm?"
"The uh…" her cheeks heat, he can see her skin flush, and knows it isn't the hot food or beverage, "That stakeout, those times when it was just us hanging out in the squad car?" Her eyes dart up to meet his and he nods, "Best times of my life."
"Mine too." He cuts off a generous chunk of his pancakes and places it on the small side plate beside her bowl of soup, "Eat, Liv."
"I eat plenty, El." She pushes the plate away, "I don't need you taking care of me."
"You've always liked their pancakes, humor me please? I don't expect to win the argument about coming back home so let me have this, huh?"
"I suddenly have a new appreciation for your kids," she mutters sarcastically and he snorts as he shovels another forkful of pancakes into his mouth. "I'll push them around for your sake but no promises for anything more."
Halloween is spent at Mark and Kathy's house on Long Island. He walks the suburban neighborhoods with his kids and grandkids, the late afternoon and early evening is light-hearted and fun. The night is spent watching Michael Meyer movies in basement, while the twins sleep soundly in the bottom bunk and Eli sleeps above them.
He pulls into the garage after one in the morning and turns the key but he doesn't move, in the past year and a half since him and Kathy split, he'd never been bothered by the silence. For the past year and half, he forgot that he used to hate the silence, now it's all he can think of when he knows she won't be there.
Her presence is leaving a hole and he can't seem to remember how he'd adapted to the silence all those years ago when Kathy first left him.
There's a shout and then loud laughter. The sound pulls him from his thoughts and he sees a throng of college kids and young adults waiting for the elevator, loud and drunk and it grates his nerves more than normal. The boisterous noise suddenly makes him wish he was alone and it propels him to move, he walks back out the garage, and into the cold air of the night, intending to enter through the street entrance.
He plans to head directly to bed, circumventing any need or reason to deal with the silence for any longer than is absolutely necessary.
There's a hooded figure sitting on the stairs and he sighs, can feel that promise of sleep turning into a pipe dream. The figure has their head down sitting off to the side just enough so they aren't blocking the door, and he reaches out to touch their shoulder intending to check for responsive eyes, "Hey you alright?" The figure keeps their head down, nodding once, "There's no loitering outside of thi—"
"I'll go." The voice is rough as though if it's scrubbed raw.
His initial thought had been that this person was another drunk who lost their keys and was waiting for some friend to help them get home, but this isn't the demeanor of a drunk. This is the demeanor of someone who's losing their grip on reality too quickly given the fact they're sitting on the stoop of some random building in the middle of the night.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."
He sees the faintest glimpse of a gold shield held tightly in the person's hand. "You a cop? I can call some—" Big brown eyes flick up to his for just a moment and his words catch in his throat for a long moment, "Liv."
Hands rub against her jeans.
Anxious.
Brown eyes dart to the cement steps.
"I'm sorry I came, I'm sorry I…" her voice is strangled and rough.
He sits beside her there's a foot of space between them, just in case and they stare out at the deserted street, "You're always welcome, do you have your keys?" Nods. "You could've gone in."
Silence.
"Why didn't you go in, Liv?"
"Buzzed."
Blue eyes take her in again, slower, "You must be cold."
He doesn't think she's going to answer, he thinks it's goi—
"Feels good."
"Why, Liv?"
"Haven't been feeling good."
"You go to the doctor?"
"Monday." Her voice is but a whisper, "Where were you?"
"It's Halloween, well it was anyways so I was with Eli."
"Kathy?"
"Yeah, I was at her place on Long Island." She scoffs and he glances at her, "What?"
"Just don't understand you and Kathy."
"We're friends we were married for—"
"I know." Her arms curl around herself staring down at her lap, "But it's like the Elliot who was my partner doesn't exist anymore. You left me but somehow you come out on some pedestal and there I am at the bottom staring up at you," she shrugs, helpless, "Everything…everybody keeps changing on me."
"Liv—"
"I got stuck."
He closes the distance between them, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and she lets herself lean into him, "It's hard when life is racing past you and you're just struggling to walk." He presses his lips to her head, "We'll get you unstuck, Liv."
"How?" Broken.
Pleading.
His free hand cups the cheek not pressed into his chest, and he feels her sigh against him as he presses his lips to the top of her head again, "I don't know but we'll figure it out. Let's get you inside though, you're freezing and I know my hoodie isn't that warm."
It's another ten minutes of sitting on those cold concrete steps of his stoop before he finally convinces her to let him help her, promises her a warm shower with a new hot water heater. She follows a few paces behind him and he doesn't mention that she still hasn't relinquished her hold on her badge, he watches her as best he can from the corner of his eye.
He watches her collapse on the couch once the door is closed and locked, "What happened tonight, Liv?"
"Brian got sick of waiting for me so I did what I do best," her eyes puffy and bloodshot and she shrugs the slightest bit, "It worked. Just like my mom…taught me…" her voice cracks.
He kneels in front of her placing slipping his warm hand around her clammy one, "You had sex?"
"Could tell he was getting sick of waiting, tonight just confirmed it." She pulls her hand away from his, wrapping her arms around herself in a self-soothing hug, "Don't touch me like that."
"Sorry Liv."
The brunette's head shakes slowly and her eyes flit up to his, "Just feel dirty. Wanna know the worst part of tonight?"
Elliot doesn't know how much worse it can get, they're already off the charts in his mind.
"He couldn't even touch me, didn't even take off my shirt," a tear rolls down her cheek. "His hand touched one scar on my stomach and when I went to take it off, he told me that…" she sucks in a breath and her voice drops, sing-songs, "We don't wanna ruin the moment, Liv. The hooker who gave him a blowjob got more affection than I did."
"Liv—"
"He's never liked the scars my mom gave me, but fuck I didn't think…he knows how much I've been struggling I've told him, I've been honest about how much I hate my body. I know I'm not in my twenties anymore, I know fourteen years ago it was easier to ignore the scars cause I was—"
"Stop. Stop justifying this."
"He's my—"
"And I'd say the exact same thing to Dickie or Eli if they ever talk about a girlfriend like this, the scars are part of you but that doesn't give anyone the right to—"
Her arms wrap around her knees and her shoulder curl inward, effectively hiding her vulnerabilities, "I can't make him…or anyone love my scars. Everybody has their limits and—"
"It still doesn't give him the right to degrade you into thinking that it's your fault."
She scoffs, "So you want him to lie to me? That's great advice, Elliot." Her voice drops again, agitated and mocking, "Hey Brian I want you to lie to me so I can have a false sense of—"
"I didn't say that and I didn't…it's his limitation not yours. You shouldn't be forced to defend him and if he really loves you he'll work on that rather than expecting you to make excuses for his behavior."
"Would you be able to?" Rough like there's a deep sob waiting to explode from somewhere deep inside her, "Would you be able to look past them? You've seen everything he has and more, you've seen me without my shirt on…without my bra…could you look past them and still see me?"
She's challenging him.
If he says he couldn't look past them, he proves her right.
If he says he can look past them…well, then he admits something entirely different. He's told her he loves her, said it first in the hospital, but this is…this is saying he could look past a part of her that will never leave her.
A physical reminder of two different forms of hell. The scars will fade a bit as time passes, but her skin will always be tarnished, imperfect.
"Well?" He's still lost in thought, can just barely hear her voice through his thoughts. Liv scoffs and the surprising bit of air reaches his face, just enough to bring him back, "Thought so. Don't act like you're full of understanding when you can't see past the scars eith—"
"I can," whispered. Just enough to stop her mid-sentence but not loud enough to be sincere, "I can see past them. The scars don't…nothing changes for me, Liv."
"Nobody prepared me for what it'd be like after they healed. Nobody told me that the stitches and the bandages were easier to deal with than having to look down and see them every time I went to the bathroom, every time I changed for bed." Her eyes close as a tear drop trails down her cheek, "I can feel them. I feel them through my clothes all the time, do you know what that's like?"
"No." His answer is immediate and her eyes open slowly to take him in, "I don't have any idea what that's like, I can't even fathom having a physical reminder of the torture you went through for four days."
"Yeah, well you're really missing out," she chuckles bitterly, her forehead rests against the palm of her hand.
"Have you mentioned this to Ava?"
Her head shakes slowly, "I get mind fucked every single day, what's she gonna do? She can't change it; I'm stuck with them 'til I die."
"She can help you with your body image so you don't define yourself by—"
"Just stop, Elliot. I've always…" her arms grip around her knees and sinks further into the back of the couch, "Just fucking stop. I don't wanna talk about this anymore." He reaches out to loosely intertwine their fingers, and she tenses, "I'm dir…don't touch me lik—" she attempts to pull her hand away but he secures his grip, "I told you I don't wan—I'm disgusting, Elliot."
"Come on."
"Where?"
"Shower then bed."
Ch. 24:
"Are you sure this alright?"
"Positive."
"I haven't seen them since your birthday where I was—are you sure?"
Elliot pulls off the highway, "I'm positive."
"Did you ask them?" Silence. She leans forward a little to catch his eye as he stares at the stop light, "I told you to call them and ask, Elliot. What if they don't want me to come or if Maureen didn't make enou—"
"I don't need to ask them Liv."
"You don't know that," she hisses.
Elliot squeezes her hand, "Yes I do."
"What if there isn't enough food?"
"Always have plenty."
"Things have changed now, Elliot. Everything keeps changing and it may not be as easy to accept me tagging along to family dinners when—" the side of her head settles against the cool window pane. "It's just harder now, Elliot," she whispers it softly as he turns off the main street.
His hand releases hers before it snakes up her back making her skin tingle before it finally lands on her neck and squeezing softly, "You can trust us, Liv."
They pull onto Maureen's street. "Don't promise things if you can't deliver them."
His mouth opens to respond but he closes it when he sees his youngest child standing on steps of Maureen's front door jumping excitedly as he sees the red truck pull into view. Kathy leans against his daughter's brick home, her lips moving silently as she looks down at Eli. Once he's parked he sees Kathy nod, grinning as Eli flies off the steps his Buzz Lightyear gym shoes bright against the cement and they can hear him yelling her name before she's even opened her door.
He pulls open the door as Elliot is turning the key, "You came! You came!"
Liv lifts him onto her hip kissing his head, "I missed you," her words mumbled against his forehead and his little arms wrap tighter around her neck.
Eli lets her hold him for a minute longer before he gets restless and she's forced to set him down, watching as he runs back to Kathy for a minute, who has come to meet them in the driveway. When he turns to her again he's suddenly shy, he's such an outgoing kid that the sudden change is jarring, and she crouches down to look him in the eye as his little hand pushes the envelope into her hand.
His cheeks blush furiously, fiddling with his hands awkwardly as he asks timidly, "Will you come to my birthday party?"
"Oh," she sucks in a breath of cold air, "Is that what…" her hand wraps around his, pulling him closer so he stands in the space between her bent legs and leans against her, her arm wrapping around his waist, "Is this your invitation?"
"Can you come?" His head turns to glance at her and suddenly she's staring into hopeful, baby blues, "Pleaseee?" He bounces on his toes, nervous and excited energy pummeling off him in a physical manifestation but she can't seem to bring herself to speak despite the young boy's insistence, "Aunt Livie will—"
He's learned enough about adults to deduce that silence is never the answer you want.
"Yeah," her voice soft as she stares down at the envelope and her thumb rubs against slightly uneven envelope, she looks up into his hopeful blue eyes, "Yeah, sweetheart I'll be there."
Eli hoots and hollers as he squeezes her neck and she laughs softly as she pushes herself into an upright position and he settles on her hip again, his gloved hands are warm against her neck. Elliot and Kathy follow as they enter the home and Eli takes off once he's shed his winter clothes, announcing the exciting news as he enters the kitchen.
Dickie grins as the three adults appears in the kitchen, "Who you gonna dress up as Liv? Dad's gonna be Dumbledore and—"
"What?"
"It's a costu—" Lizzie punches his arm, "Ow, Liz!"
Kathleen smiles reassuringly, "He's joking, Liv."
"Meanly." Maureen remarks pointedly.
Elliot swats him upside the head and his eldest boy grins sheepishly, "Very mean." His hand reaches blindly into the fridge for a beer, "What to drink, Liv?"
The color returns to her face and she forces herself to smile, reminds herself that this is part of being in a family. "Water's good."
The conversation bounces off the walls but she manages to stay engaged, even comments a few times, and for a while she begins to feel like she's part of the family. She's comfortable can feel herself settling standing beside Kathleen, laughing at a joke Dickie makes at Elliot's expense.
It isn't until the topic shifts to whether Will and Maureen are finding out the gender of the baby that she feels herself float away.
Nobody notices as she backs away from the island.
Her feet move on their own accord down the hall, but she can still hear Mark's laugh and it's a harsh reminder that everyone is connected except for her. It's a blatant reminder that she's the spare tire in the floorboard of the trunk, her connection with this family is tangential at best, and yet this is the closest to having a family that she'll ever experience.
Eli and the twins are upstairs, she can hear them playing together.
Her child will never have to worry about cousins.
Her child will never have to worry about feeling alone in a room full of family.
Her child will be exactly like her.
Alone.
The cycle will continue.
She ends up walking straight into the bathroom at the end of the hall and she sighs in relief as she locks the door, pressing her fingers into her eyes to prevent the tears welling in her eyes from falling.
Breathes in and out and tries to silence the thoughts that she's going to ruin this family day for him, that she's going to ruin her make up and everyone is going to know how screwed up and damaged .
Breathe in.
Don't think about how Kathy would've never been worried about Elliot being with you for sixteen plus hour days if she had only known how screwed up you were.
Breathe out.
Don't think about how you've became what you swore you would never.
She dabs her eyes with some toilet paper and then flushes it before washing her hands, to at least give the appearance that she wasn't having a mental breakdown in the bathroom of her former partner's daughter's home. She straightens her top and looks at herself in the mirror, her eyes slightly red but if she can find someplace to hide…just until dinner nobody will ever have to know.
She opens the door slowly and is about to take a right continue her walk-through Maureen's home and away from the kitchen. She thinks it's strange that somehow being alone make her feel less lonely than being with a group of people.
"Hey," she jumps and spins to find him leaning against the wall across from the bathroom.
"I thought you were…how long have you been waiting out here?"
He shrugs a little, "Few minutes, you alright?"
Arms cross over her chest, defiant. "Fine. You could've knocked I would've let you go first so you didn't have to wait," her eyes refuse to look at him.
"I wanted to check on you. You seemed to slip away thinking I wouldn't notice, and if I didn't know any better I'd think you were gonna go find somewhere else to hide? Need a break?"
She pushes a hand through her hair, "Yeah."
"Have you gotten a tour of their home yet?"
"No."
Elliot pulls his beer bottle away from his lips and calls out, "I'm gonna show Liv around the house."
"Ignore the mess upstairs, Liv," Maureen calls back.
Will's voice follows a second later, "We either get to Church on time or keep a clean house, we can only manage one on Sunday mornings."
Elliot smirks, eyeing her humorously at his eldest daughter and son-in-law.
Young parents terrified of being judged, of anything less than perfection.
How the hell is she gonna do this alone?
His hand intertwines with hers and he pulls her down the hallway she'd been planning on disappearing down mere moments ago. The paint is a soft bluish-gray with dark hardwoods and the windows provide just enough light to make it feel light and airy, striking the perfect balance. Olivia has never owned a home and her knowledge of paint colors and domesticity is without a doubt lacking, but she likes Maureen's home.
"They seem happy," she whispers as she stares at a photo of Will and Maureen on their wedding day, the formal living room is littered with pictures of them and their families. A sad smile appears across her lips when she stares at a photo of the entire Stabler clan. "Your family seems happy, El."
It's the only thing she's ever wanted for him.
"That was one of the first outings after the divorce was final and the first time Kathy brought Mark to meet the family," she stares at the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, his entire family grinning. "Kathy and I were determined to get along, put so much pressure on ourselves that the kids said it was worse than fighting," she chuckles, "Ended up having a great night once we relaxed."
"Sounds nice," she whispers wistfully.
Olivia sets the frame down and turns away from him as he takes another sip of beer, sitting on the couch watching her as she stares out the front window. "What's wrong, Liv?"
She turns to face him eyeing the bottle of beer suspiciously he's been careful not to drink in front of her and while she'd never say anything, she's been thankful. This is one of the few differences between him and Brian that she doesn't scold herself for realizing, for allowing herself to draw this particular line in stone. It's been one of her more minor wounds that is lingering longer than it should but men and alcohol is quickly becoming something she'd prefer to avoid.
In the past month she hasn't seen Elliot touch it, hasn't seen it in his fridge or his trash, the thought had crossed her mind that he'd stopped altogether, until that first Sunday dinner a few weeks ago. This was still the first time she's seen him drink and it makes her stomach twist in conflict, he isn't drunk not by a long shot, isn't even within a ballpark of tipsy.
That should be enough, would've been enough two years ago. Hell, six months ago she wouldn't have given a shit, probably would've grabbed herself one. Now she waits with trepid breath for his next move, she hasn't been this unsure of where they stood since Gitano, but this is worse. Somehow Lewis has managed to take every horrible life event she's ever experienced and made it worse.
Now, there's fear. There's the ever-present thought that she'll freeze again. The crippling fear this time it will be at the hands of somebody she trusts, after all isn't that what Lewis warned? He comes to her in her dreams, verbalizes her worst fears of the man she trusts the most.
"You wanna go see the twins room?"
Her eyes blink slowly up at him and she nods, a bit dazed.
Elliot's calloused hand wraps around her soft one and she lets him lead her up the stairs of his daughter's home his lips are near her ear, voice soft, "Is this helping?" Her shoulders lift in a shrug. "We can leave if you want or right after dinn—"
"I'm fine."
"Aunt Livie! Come play with us!"
Christian wraps his little hand around two of her fingers and she lets him lead her into the room, "Is this your room?"
Will nods as he hands her a Lego brick, "Bunkbeds soon!"
"Witt'e bigger mama says," Christian supplies as he plops onto her lap.
"Bunkbeds are always fun!"
Eli looks up at her, "Did you have a bunkbed growin' up, Livie?"
The brunette forces herself not to turn, to focus on the Lego tower they're building and not into the blue eyes boring a hole into her back, through her ribcage to her heart. "No, I wasn't lucky enough to have a bunkbed when I was a kid."
"Why?"
Elliot sighs as he leans against the doorframe and scolds softly, "Eli we don—"
"I didn't grow up with a lot of money and my mom couldn't afford something like bunkbeds," her voice is a whisper but she forces herself to smile, "You guys are really lucky."
"Dinner!"
Olivia moves to follow the kids out of the room but Elliot's hand wraps around her wrist, stopping her, "Liv—"
"Let me go, Elliot."
His eyebrows raise, questioningly, "Why what's—"
"Please? Just let me—" his hand releases her wrist and her eyes watch him as she moves past him.
Elliot gives her space until it's time to leave, let's her sit at the kitchen table with his girls and the kids as they eat the cookies Kathy has brough from the same bakery he'd brought them from the first time. At this rate, her idea of the perfect dessert for Sunday night dinner may soon be tradition and he doesn't think there's anything more fitting.
He's in her room restocking her towel supply in the bathroom and even though he has a perfectly valid reason, a perfectly innocent reason to be walking around her room it feels intrusive. He has every intention of putting the towels in the linen closet and leaving, has every intention of joining her in the family room.
Every good intention leaves his mind when he sees that picture frame sitting on the end table next to her side of the bed, his hand is suddenly a magnet to the frame.
"What are you doing?"
His head snaps to look at her, "Li—"
"That isn't yours."
"I know I'm just…why'd you take it, Liv?"
Her arms crossover her chest, defiant, "Cause I wanted it now put it—"
"Why'd you want it?" Her only response is a scoff and an eyeroll. "Why—"
"Don't ask stupid questions, Elliot."
"I didn't think it was a stupid question. Why can't we talk about it?" Her eyes roll again but this time he sees the tears in them and he pats the space beside him on the bed, "Come 'ere, Liv."
"No. Not when you're…like this." Her voice is strangled.
Hurt flashes across his face but it settles in his eyes. "Liv…" he breathes her name; her eyes won't meet his. "I've done something to make you uncomfortable."
It's a statement.
Elliot isn't stupid despite asking stupid questions, apparently. The thought would make him laugh, he finds her deadpan and sarcastic sense of humor amusing. It's the first thing they'd connected over as partners so many years ago.
The thought would've made him laugh, if he wasn't trying to figure out what he's done to hurt her.
"What have I done, Liv?"
"Put it back."
"Li—"
Her face is hard and chiseled in pain but her voice is deadly, "Put. It. Back."
"Will you talk to m—"
"Don't give me ultimatums, Elliot. It's mine now put it back."
Elliot puts the frame back where he first saw it and looks up at her, "Can we ta—"
"No. Leave me alone."
"Liv pleas—"
"Either you leave or I leave," she challenges and his face hardens in response, they're teetering on something that is so familiar and yet somehow unfamiliar. "You gonna be a fucking asshole again?"
Elliot stands and her hand grips the door frame as he sidesteps her, careful not to touch her. "Let me know when you wanna fill me in on whatever it is I've done," his voice is low and raspy like he's worried that just saying it may push them over the edge.
"Get. Out."
The door slams in his face followed closely by the sound of the lock.
Jab.
Jab.
Punch.
The bag goes flying.
He attacks.
Jab.
Jab.
"Guess you're not punching walls or lockers anymore then?"
"Eli's school tends to frown on parents damaging their property," she chuckles softly but he doesn't turn to face her as he runs his towel over his face.
"Catholic schools do tend to be a bit more strict than those public schools about that sort of thing."
"Come down here to call me more names?"
"No," her voice is soft.
He pushes the plastic flap down on his water jug, "What do you want then?"
"You didn't leave a note."
"Thanks for letting me know next time I'll draw you a fucking map, hell maybe we can get a tracker so you can just—"
Her hand wraps around the metal railing of the ramp and she mumbles softly, "I was out of line but I have enough anxiety when you're not around, I don't need you making me feel worse."
Elliot stops racking weights onto the leg press to look up at her and he sighs like he hasn't slept in a month, and in a way it's accurate. His voice is softer, more understanding, "You're right, I'm sorry. What do you want, Liv?"
"Talk?"
"'Kay so talk."
Bloodshot brown eyes flit around the four walls of his building's gym, "Can't do it here." She kicks the toe of gym shoe against the rubber floor, "I'm sorry."
They don't touch or talk, for that matter, the entire way to the roof and she glances around at the sparse patio, she looks around as they lean against the fence around the edge of the patio. "I didn't know this was here."
"By the time you moved in they'd put all the furniture away for the winter so it didn't make much sense to come up here when there's nowhere to sit."
Liv nods slowly staring out onto the cityscape, it isn't as good as the view from the precinct but it's better than her old building's view, despite being only a couple blocks from Central Park. "This place must cost you a fortune," her voice is wistful, "Three bedrooms, modern gym, patio, in the heart of Manhattan, natural light. I wouldn't know what to do with condo like this, first I'd have to be able to afford it," an airy, bitter laugh escapes from her mouth.
"What about your new apartment with Cassidy?" Brown eyes skirt to his and he shrugs, a bit sheepishly, "I heard you telling Kathy and the girls."
"El—"
He shakes his head leaning against the fence, the cold metal pressed against his body, "Is it nice?"
"I was gonna tell you, El."
"I know," his voice is restrained, "Move in date is Wednesday, right?"
"Cassidy's off and my stuff is…I only really have clothes and I've got everything packed I only had to order some dressers and stuff for my half of the furniture. We're just gonna keep his living room furniture and his plates and stuff, since everything from my place was—"
"Yeah."
"I swear I was gonna tell you," she turns to face him hip leaning against the cold metal of the fence, "I just, you know how I am with talking especially when it's hard for me to say…"
"I deserve it, got a year and eleven months at minimum of payback so—"
"What?"
"That's why you keep leaving, right? Give me a mild…mild dose of the hell I put yo—"
"No." He scoffs in disbelief like he knows that's a lie, "Elliot that isn't the reason at all. I don't leave like that because of you, I leave…I stay away from you because I have to prove to myself that I can do this without you. For the past month it was just the two of us, for the most part, and I let myself remember how it felt being your partner. Now I somehow have to learn how to stand without you beside me, again, and it's harder this time."
"Let me hel—"
"You have no idea what I'm going through, Elliot." Her voice hits hard, she's gearing up for another fight, "You have no idea how hard it is to get out of bed sometimes. I need you to be a friend not some patronizing assh—" she pinches the bridge of her nose and her eyes close as she chuckles bitterly, "So much for not calling you names."
"It's fine."
"You're just saying that cause now you feel bad for me."
"Maybe," her eyes pop open at his admission. He stares at the tiled patio for a moment before he sucks in a breath, before he looks into her eyes, "I can only imagine how hard it must be waiting to hear what that Doc. is gonna say tomorrow consid—"
Her head shakes as she backs away from where he's still standing, "No, no, no I only told—she swo—"
"Kathy didn't tell me."
"Don't fucking lie—"
"I'm not ly—"
"Bullshit! I haven't told anyone but her, so now I know you're a fucking liar, what else are you fucking lying—"
"I'm not lying." His voice is lethal and his shoulders square suddenly, readying himself to take her on, their eyes meet, both waiting for the other to forfeit. Every muscle, every fiber of his being has hardened and without looking in the mirror he knows his eyes have completely iced over, everything within him tells him he could win this.
Olivia hasn't prepared for the possibility that he'd fight back, that he'd match her anger. For the past month, his anger has stayed controlled, she let herself get used to this less angry version, less tormented version of who he used to become during particular low points of their partnership.
He could win this battle, maybe even win the war if he hurts her enough, he could do it too, he knows more than anyone about her past, knows enough about her present that he could wield fatal blows. He could eviscerate her and leave her like she was just another casualty.
Her breath hitches, just slightly, if he wasn't watching her observing her so meticulously, she could've blamed it on the wind.
Except, tonight he's Detective Stabler. He's a NYPD Detective who has taken every profile seminar offered in the name of overtime, and he could use every single tactic to draw out her weaknesses. Like a predator with his prey, he could destroy her.
Brown eyes glaze over. Elliot watches her fight with herself to hold his gaze, she's going to lose the battle, unshed tears are filling her eyes faster than even he predicted. She doesn't remember how to fight with him, he could use that against her. He doesn't have a verbal confession yet but he thinks she's afraid of men when they're drinking or angry, and he's two-for-two tonight.
She's going to break and he won't even have to say a damn word.
Blue eyes breakaway to stare out at the city before them, he pretends that he doesn't hear her ragged intake of breath, "I saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom trash when I went in to pull you out of the freezing shower on my birthday. Kathy hasn't even brought you up other than to ask if I'd seen you."
"You promise?"
He doesn't turn to look at her as she moves to stand a couple of feet to his left, "I swear on all I know, that's the truth. You can ask Kathy if you want, she'll tell you the truth."
"I trust you."
"Thought we were gonna have an all-out war…hand-to-hand combat style or somethin'," she whispers into the cold air of the night, her voice raspy in an attempt to keep the emotional curled inside her.
He chuckles a little, "Wouldn't have been a fair fight—" her head snaps to look at him but then she nods, reluctant like she was expecting the low blow jab. He continues before she can force herself to reply, "Just wrong to take advantage of an elderly man after his body is weak and tired from working out."
There's a forced smile from her as he laughs at his joke, her voice is low and critical, "You're in better shape than I am," she pinches the skin of her still flat stomach, her face twists as she feels the scars. Her arms cross quickly over her chest, voice low and suddenly garbled, like the motion of grabbing her skin is enough to undo her "Sorry I guess Friday screwed me up worse than I thought."
"You can always ta—"
"Wouldn't know where to begin."
"Friday have anything to do with today, you seemed more relaxed when I wasn't around you?"
A hand waves, her head shaking slowly, "Can we not, please? Not today."
"Okay…but—"
"Elliot," her hands curl around the cold fence, "You're already contradicting yourself." He sighs but otherwise don't protest staring out at the city again, his self-loathing is palpable, "One question, Elliot. Nothing about Brian or…" she sucks in a breath, "Or Lewis."
"You don't like being around men who…you don't like being around me when I'm drinking, right?" His voice was immediate, the question has been on his mind all night, it's unsettling to him to think he's done something to cause her to fear him. It's the first time in the past month, that he can remember, making a conscious decision that led caused her to fear him.
"It isn't just with you, I don't think anyways." Her voice small, "You just surprised me today."
He moves closer turning to face her, "You could've told me."
"I'm working through it. I'm sorry," there's a sharp intake of breath again and he watches her waiting, "'Bout today…I'm sorry. I keep taking stuff out on you but you gotta know I—"
His arm wraps around her shoulder pulling her into his chest, "I know it's fine."
"I'm just scared. I just get really, really scared when I don't have other stuff to focus on and then I create these versions of you—I don't want you to change your life cause of me." Her face buries in his Marines t-shirt still damp with sweat, "I'm keeping the baby," her mind is doing somersaults, jumping through hoops and conversations bits and pieces here and there.
"I know." His other arm wraps around her body, "You want me there with you tomorrow?"
For a long moment, her body freezes and if it wasn't for the steady beat of her heart against his chest, he'd be worried but when she speaks, she's detached, "I'll be fine."
"I don't doubt that but I can still come as emotional support."
She pulls away from him, wipes at her bloodshot eyes, "You're busy."
"Maybe not what time is the appointment?"
"My lunch break so noon. You have that meeting with that client, you can't come," her voice is monotone and calculated like she's already accepted the fact that he will not be by her side tomorrow. She's moved away from him again, just a foot or so but enough that there's a definitive space and stares out at the city as he hands grip the cold metal, "I'll be fine. I've been taking care of myself for a long-time tomorrow is just one more day on a long list," she breathes in and out slowly and then softer, "I'm used to it."
"I think Joe can handle the meeting I don't think they even need me until the one at three and even then—"
"No."
"Liv—"
"No. You own a company now and you're doing well," his eyebrows lift a smirk on his lips, she shrugs a bit self-consciously, "I may have looked it up."
"Uh huh…" he grins.
"I won't ruin it for you, Elliot. Your family and your job have always meant everything to you, your job isn't being my partner anymore, you have your own company that is separate and apart from me. I won't ruin that for you."
His body shifts for a moment to watch her, her eyes staring out at the still bright lights of the city. "Which matters more?"
"What?"
"Family or the job? What matters more to me, what always has mattered more?"
"Your family." She doesn't miss a beat.
"Good, was hoping you'd say that. I'll pick you up at a quarter after eleven tomorrow, traffic on Mondays is always a bitch, and I'd like to get something to eat after your appointment."
"I'll be fine you have to wo—"
"Both of you are my family, I'm not gonna miss it for the world. When my God-Child is old enough I'm gonna tell them the story of how I was there from the first appointment to their birth," he grins, "I better be God-Father, Liv."
Her laugh is light and free, "My poor child." She leans into his side wrapping her arms around his waist, "Thank you."
Monday
"Whatchya doin' here Stabler?" Fin hand claps him on the back as he steps into the bullpen, "Liv didn't mention you were coming by?"
"She's got a thing and I offered to drive her, she around?" She isn't in the room and he glances at his watch, ten minutes early.
Fin eyes him, a smirk playing on his lips, "Worried she ghosted your ass?" The man laughs as he hands him a cup of coffee as the other man glances around the bullpen, "Relax, man. She's doing a witness statement with Amaro and she already cleared this thing," he eyes him suspiciously, "With Cragen."
Elliot sits in the chair beside Fin's desk, "Thanks."
"So, where you goin' anyways?"
"Nice try," he smirks.
Fin huffs, "Y'all are tight-lipped today," Elliot laughs as he takes a sip of the precinct coffee. "She alright though?"
"Yeah. Yeah, she—"
"Hey you're early."
He looks up as she approaches, she's confident and smiling with her kit belt around her waist and he can understand why she enjoys being here, she's different here. The confidence is faltering in her eyes and she can't help but let her eyes flicker anxiously between the two of them, he's about to say something when Fin pipes in, apparently recognizing the brewing anxiety. "El here is more tight-lipped than you are about your," he raises his fingers in an air quotes motion, "'Thing' today."
Liv laughs as his hand settles on the small of back, "I should let Cragen know."
"Go ahead, Liv," the older man calls from the doorway of his office, and his eyes meet Elliot's nodding subtly, "Take the afternoon if you want."
"I'll be back, Captain." Defiant. Elliot knows better than to question her within the walls of the precinct, she glances at him, "We should get going." He nods and she turns away from the three men who have known her for over a decade, they share a knowing look as she grabs her leather coat off the back of her chair.
"Ready, Liv?"
Ch. 25:
Friday November 15, 2013
His phone buzzes at just past one in the morning and he rolls over to grab it, squinting at the bright screen as he swipes the green button, "Hey."
"I need a gift," the voice says in a rushed breath.
"Okay…"
She sighs and he knows immediately that she's annoyed with him and the tone in her voice only confirms that point, "I need a gift for Eli, Elliot. I have no idea what h—"
"So we'll go—"
"When? His birthday party is on Saturday and I have nothing after two years of not being in his life as his God- Mother I have nothing for him."
"I cut you out of my life and my kid's live not the other way around, so stop saying stuff like that cause it wasn't your fault, Liv."
"It doesn't matter who—"
"Yes it does, Olivia, and you know it so stop that."
He can practically hear her eyes roll but all she says is a soft, "Fine. I still need a present though and—"
"We'll go tomorrow, today…whatever I'll pick you up from your appointment with Ava and then we'll go, alright?"
She exhales into the phone, "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."
"Now that we've got that figured out," his voice is lighthearted the promise of finally seeing her again makes him feel like a weight has just been lifted off his shoulders. "What are you doing up this late?"
"Can't sleep," she mumbles and her next admission drips with shame, "Brian's working so I get the lights on tonight but I guess I got too much on my mind."
"He doesn't like them on?"
"Can't sleep with them on, so when he's gone I light up the apartment," she admits softly, "I'm always gone by the time he gets off so I don't have to explain it to him. Almost fifty years old and terrified of the dark," she whispers bitterly, "Who could've ever seen that coming, huh?"
"Lizzie hates the dark too," he whispers as his head sinks into his pillows, "All my kids did common fear, ya know?"
"Yeah."
"Except unlike all the other kids, Lizzie never grew out of it. I remember we let the twins have a sleepover for their tenth birthday and we had to get her a little lamp for her nightstand table cause she was nervous her friends were gonna make fun of her nightlight. She still has a lamp on her nightstand that she leaves on just in case," his voice is understanding, "You're not the only one, hell you're not even the only one in the family."
"That's the stuff that worries me about having a kid," he smirks into the phone as she changes the topic, You and Kathy always made sure that your kids felt heard, what if I can't do that for mine? What if it's just a cycle that repeats? I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't intend on becoming one but we both know that I'm married to the job and what if I just find excuses to be at the precinct? What if I'd rather solve other people's problems than be with my child because when I look at them all I see is Lewis?" Her confession is ripe with guilt.
"Liv?"
"What?"
"You're gonna be an amazing mom."
"You can't possibly know—"
"I can." A statement, definite. "Only the good parents worry trust me after five kids and meeting a shit ton of parents, I've learned how to recognize a good parent."
"I don't think you can possibly know something like that not with me anyways, I have a tendency of fucking up the important things."
"No, you don't and this kid's gonna be lucky to have you. Look how great you turned out and if they turn out half as good as you? The world will be a better place, trust me."
"I don't believe you—"
"I would nev—"
"It's nice to hear though," she finishes quietly, "Means a lot."
"Why can't you sleep?"
"Cragen wants me to take the Sergeant's exam he thinks I could become a Captain."
He can't help but grin into the phone, "Liv that's—"
"It should've been you taking that exam, SVU should've been your command," she argues, "It should've been you, El."
"I wouldn't have wanted to be C.O. that was never a goal of mine," he pauses trying to find the right words, "Me as a C.O., Liv? Come on all that Brass, the politics, kissing asses and…I would've done something to screw it all up you know my anger and when a case touched a nerve I went off and then I'd be out walking some beat."
"So now I kiss asses well? Thanks, El."
He chuckles cause of course she caught that comment, and he grins up at his ceiling as he talks, "You're just better at connecting with people. I'm a little bit too blunt and…" he pauses again thinking, "Unpolished I guess. You have an air 'bout you that helps people feel safe around you but also let's them know you're not going to be walked over. As though that even matters in the lon—"
"Why wouldn't that matter?"
"You were meant for SVU and if you hadn't come along I probably would've transferred out to Homicide in a few years."
"You stayed when I left though, when I transferred back to computer crimes and when I went U.C. for Dea—"
"Let's not mention that asshole again, please?"
"Yeah." It's needless though, they both remember the damage that man caused and the final nail in the coffin was how the decorated FBI Agent had spoken to her, 'Our feelings don't matter, Liv.' She exhales again trying to push the memories of the man away, "You stayed though."
"I knew you'd be back, Liv. Your passion for the victims made me passionate, that squad was made for you," he rests his hand behind his head, "I could see you as a C.O., Liv, and I'd never tell you if I didn't actually believe it."
"You think I should do it then? Take the Sergeant's exam?"
"I think you'd be wrong not to take the exam, you could do a lot of good and I think the world could use more people like you fighting for people who don't have a voice."
The line is quiet for a moment and he thinks momentarily that she may have finally crashed, but her voice appears again thick and slightly raspy, "Thanks El."
"Don't mention it," he whispers back, "Can you sleep now?"
"I think so."
"We can talk until one of us falls asleep," his voice is neutral and while his words make it vague enough that it could be either of them they both know that he means her, until she falls asleep. The other end of the line rustles for a moment before it finally quiets, "Liv?"
"Hm?"
"Have you given anymore thought to what I asked?"
"El…"
"It's four days, Li—"
"Five. It's five days and four nights in a different state and hours away from everything I've ever know," she argues, "You're asking me to go somewhere I've never been, Elliot. Do you understand how terrifying that is for me?"
"I know especially after everything you—"
"This isn't about that. It isn't." Her voice hisses, "This isn't about him. I just don't usually leave the city and when I do I have an idea of where I'm going and a plan, I know that makes me sound like some loser who can't be spontaneous but I like knowing these things."
"I don't think that makes you sound like a loser you just like to be in control and that…" he trails off careful of his next words, "It doesn't make you a loser, Liv." His voice lightens a bit as a smile appears in the darkness, "You like to be in control it must be that C.O. personality coming through already."
Her laugh is soft but it's there even if only for a moment, "Brian found that to be a very non-fun part of my personality when we went to the Bahamas last year for Christmas. He's more spontaneous than I am and almost everything we did I had to have a plan, so if you think it's gonna ruin your tri—"
"You're my best friend, Liv."
"I know but a trip is different, El. There's no easy out and if you need a break from me—I mean we're gonna be sharing a room for four nights, if we you need a bre—"
"I won't," he hears her sigh on the other end of the phone, "I won't need a break from you, if I thought I'd need a break I wouldn't have asked you to come with me. We've done trips bef—"
"Those were work trips and we were in separate rooms, Elliot."
"I know."
"You can't possibly know if you're gonna need a break from me if we've never shared a hotel room together, Elliot," she argues. Except, it's a futile argument especially after the month and half she spent living in his condo but the fear in her voice is palpable when she admits softly, "Ava and I came up with some conditions, things that I need you to agree to so I can say yes."
"Name 'em."
"I'm not getting a massage, I'm not bringing a swimsuit," she pauses for a moment and the silence causes him to hold his breath and then she mutters, "You have to give me your keys."
"My keys?"
"Yeah."
"Anything else?"
"No. I know I'm being deman—"
"No massage, no pool, and I'll give you my keys I promise," he pauses for a moment, "And we won't bring it up again."
"How'd you know?"
He snorts and a soft chuckle slips past his lips, "I'm retired not tone deaf and either way I'm still your partner," he glances at the clock beside him, "It's late if you should sleep.
"Yeah, cause unlike you I actually have to chase down my perps rather than sit behind a computer all day drinking latte and—"
"I don't drink lattes but I will admit I don't miss all that running," his voice is light but only for a moment, "Liv?"
"Hm?"
"You'll come?"
"Yeah."
"Elliot came with you today."
Liv feels her eyes roll at the obvious statement and she rolls them again when a smirk appears across the woman's lips, "Ever consider a career change to detective?"
"Considering that I almost gave my mom a heart attack when I told her I wanted to be a psychiatrist, I don't think she would've taken that well, she was hoping for pediatrics or internal medicine." Liv glances up to the red-head and the other woman shrugs helplessly, "I worked in Bellevue for awhile before I went private." She pauses letting a grin settle over her lips, "My mom brought a cake when I announced that I was going private, I think she was happier that day than at my graduation."
"Why psychiatry?"
"Why'd you become a cop?"
"What?"
"Why'd you become a cop? You went to college, you know what…four or five languages?"
"Four I'm not fluent in all of them but…" her shoulders lift in a dismissive shrug.
"Still four languages," Ava says a bit in awe, "You know three more than I do," she grins for a moment and then softer, "Three more than Elliot, right?"
Her arms cross over her chest at the backhanded insult to the man waiting in the waiting room, "So?"
"You probably could've been FBI with your resume," the other woman's face twists immediately but Ava doesn't comment on it, "Could've gone to law school been some International Law wizard, but you became a cop why?"
"Thought I could help people, be the kind of cop I needed as a kid." Simple. "Why'd you become a psychiatrist?"
"For the same reason, I wanted to help people that felt alone, people who were trapped inside a prison of their own making," she looks up at the woman sitting across the couch who simply nods. "How'd your mom feel about it?"
Her shoulders lift, "She hated SVU more than she hated me being a cop, I know she didn't like that I became a one but that was just her general disposition with me. I learned more languages trying to find one that we could connect over and it never worked, so by the time I graduated from the Academy I was used to being an utter disappointment."
"And she met Elliot…" she trails off glancing through her notes, "How many times again?"
"Three. I didn't even know that he'd met her before," she sighs remembering that unusual sunny Monday morning in March when her mother had drunkenly stumbled into a bustling squad room. "I thought the second time they met was actually their first time but she let it slip that they'd met before, months beforehand."
"Elliot never mentioned it to you?"
"He said he forgot," she scoffs at the memory of Elliot sitting in the squad car thirteen years ago arguing that he hadn't remember meeting her mother months before, "Like my mother was ever forgettable. Even the man who raped her remembered her years later," she mutters staring down at her hands.
"How do you know that?"
"I found him…found his son, my half brother, about seven years ago."
"You have a brother? A half-brother?" Olivia nods. "Are you close?"
"No. I tried, and then finally—" her head shakes, "I almost ruined my life, my career for him. El helped me create boundaries again he'd done it before but this time he…I was stubborn and a bitch and I accused him of a lot of stuff before I finally realized that he wasright."
"Elliot is good with boundaries I'm not sure if it's cause he was a Marine or his mom's illness but when he draws a line he knows how to keep it there." She pauses as the other woman nods in agreement, "So he'd helped you do this before and then you needed him again with your brother…"
"Simon."
"With Simon?"
"Yeah."
"He helped you with your mom," Ava concludes, "What about the third time they met?"
"She came to my apartment drunk and smelling of vodka it was during the summer and we'd been partners for almost three years by then," a small smile crosses her lips as she remembers. "He'd walked me up cause a case had hit home for me and he was…he's overly protective ya know?"
The other woman laughs nodding, "I know he did a background check on my husband before my first date with him."
Olivia laughs, "He'd mentioned but I can't believe you knew about it." Their laughter dies down and Liv takes a moment to breathe as she remembers the third and final meeting between her partner and her mother, "Anyways she was there in the hallway belligerent and drunk off her ass, smelling of vodka. He'd helped me get inside and she made a smart remark about us fucking each other and that…other people had mentioned it over the years and it always…I used to hate how'd they look at me. It was like whatever I said was a fucking lie and it didn't matter how much I tried to convince them otherwise cause they'd…"
"Already made up their minds?"
"Yeah."
"It must be difficult with his family," brown eyes flick up to meet hers and she elaborates, "They've apologized to you for saying things out of anger but those things had hurt you."
"Yeah."
"Whether or not they apologize the scar will become less apparent over time, maybe even fades into the skin until it can barely be seen but it's still there. Now though you're being asked to forgi—"
"It isn't that I believe them when they apologize and I've even forgiven them for it, they just keep including me in everything and I don't know what I've done to deserve them."
"You're worried you're going to ruin it?"
"Wouldn't you be if you were in my place? I've envied Elliot for years and now suddenly there's Sunday dinners and the girls are asking about lunch dates. Kathy was the first person who I told about the baby," her voice drops in shock and Ava can't help but smile, "What?"
"It shows progress you're building relationships with members of his family that's separate from his own it's a good thing, Liv. We normally do it naturally in a family, but in your case—"
"I didn't have a traditional family to learn that with so now I'm learning something in my mid-forties that I should've learned when I was still in diapers and now that's considered progress?" Her brown eyes roll and Ava sighs as silence fills the room for couple of minutes, "Can we stop talking about developmental failures please?"
"That must've hurt hearing your mom say something like that especially with everyone els—"
"She was the first," she interrupts quietly.
"I'm sorry?"
"She was the first person who ever asked if we were more than partners, except she didn't really ask she stated it like she knew it for a fact."
"You'd hear her voice?"
Her head lifts in a small nod, "It wouldn't go away."
"Sometimes trauma is complicated, Liv."
"Just words," she mumbles, "She died six months later so why does it still hurt like it was yesterday?"
"Studies have found that emotional and verbal abuse can hurt just as much if not more than physical because of how the brain plays it in a loop, it's easier to recall the bad than it is the good. What did Elliot say the next day?"
A small smile slips onto her lips as she thinks back, "He got me coffee even though it wasn't his week and that night he offered to drive me home again and he told me I had to set boundaries. I didn't really talk to her much anyways, so it wasn't that difficult, but I told her she had to stop drinking before I'd let her back into my life." Her eyes flit up to the bookcase, "She told me that she stopped drinking on Thanksgiving," she laughs bitterly, "It wasn't even two weeks. Three days before my birthday, and I was standing in Cragen's office while he told me the news that my only family that I knew of was dead from falling down the steps of the subway wasted out of her mind."
"That must've been difficult after what Elli—"
"I didn't blame him. He was right she was my mom and I loved," she sighs staring down at her hands as she confesses, "Love her but I needed to look out for myself. It turned out that we were both right and she lied to me about her drinking cause she knew that it was the only thing I ever wanted."
"You tried before?"
"Of course, I did."
"How did it make you feel realizing that she lied to you about something so important to you?"
"Serena turned me into the little nine-year-old girl living in a shit apartment and sobbing cause my mommy kept screaming that I made her drink." She raises her hand to swipe away the tears that had begun to fall behind her curtain of hair, "I hated her for that."
"And Elliot?"
"He looked out for me like nobody had ever done for me before it made me feel like I was someone worth protecting, like I was important and valuable."
"And how do you feel now with your own pregnancy?"
"I'm telling his older kids after Eli's party."
"That's good but it wasn't what I asked, Liv."
She tugs at her fingers with her right hand, "I'm determined not to repeat the cycle."
"How are you sleeping?"
"Fine."
"Liv," Ava presses.
"I'm sleeping fine."
"How many hours do you get?"
Her shoulder lifts in a shrug.
"You're still getting the nightmares?"
"Yeah, two nights ago I swore they was in my apartment."
Ava glances up at her, "Your new apartment?"
"Yeah."
The other woman nods as she writes something down, "Was that the first time that you thought Lewis was the—"
"Them. I thought they were both in the apartment," she corrects with a bite. "He doesn't have a name but he has a face, a body that looks exactly like Lewis," terrified brown eyes glance up at the other woman, "They mentioned Elliot again and I thought…he—"
"Lewis?"
"No. He sneered in my face when I asked about where Elliot was and he said—it screws me up worst than when it was only Lewis tell me how that's possible? I can't sleep afterwards, I get scared when I close my eyes and no matter how lightly I fall asleep somehow he always gets to me before I can wake up," her lower lip trembles, "How is that possible?"
"Did Brian wake you up two nights ago?"
"He was working nights so I sat on the couch with all the lights on and weapon and I did random sweeps of the apartment until the sun came up and then I left for work," she admits softly.
"You look well-rested today, was Brian home last night?"
"No."
"But no nightmares last night?"
"No."
"So, what was different about last night?"
"I called El." She confesses and it's a direct betrayal to Brian and their promise to one another that this new place was the final attempt at regaining a part of them that's been missing since September. "I know what I promised Brian but he's my best friend he saw parts of me literally and figuratively—" she cuts herself off letting out a shaky breath, "He helps me…helped. He helped—"
"I'm not judging you, Liv."
"That makes one of us."
"Nothing wrong with getting some much-needed sleep and I don't think anyone should have a problem with how you get it as long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else and last I checked—"
"I know I just feel guilty I guess."
"I didn't know Catholic guilt was contagious to non-Catholics," Ava jokes lightly and Olivia rewards her with a smirk. "Why'd you call him last night and not two nights ago or a week ago when you had that one at the precinct?"
"I needed a gift for Eli's party."
"You needed a reason."
"That isn't what I sa—"
"Your body language did though," the other woman smirks at her and raises her hands in surrender, "Liv he's your best friend and you lived with him for a month after the worst event in your life. I'd be concerned about what happened between the two of you if you weren't feeling like this, sometimes you need one person and sometimes that person isn't your boyfriend. I can also understand Cragen's concern when you two were partners, I'm surprised your Captain didn't suffer from migraines based on the stories Elliot told," she says with a laugh.
"I told him I'd go on the trip."
"You told him what we talked about?"
"Yeah, he agreed and then he said we'd never have to talk about it again."
The other woman smiles with a nod, "Guess this is our last appointment until the week after Thanksgiving," she holds out her card to the other woman, "Cell's on the back. Now you don't need to ask Elliot in case you need to talk."
She stares down at the small white card in her hands, "I won't interrupt your Thanksgiving."
"I always answer. I give it to all my patients and even if you never use it, it's always a good thing to have on hand," Ava smiles as the other woman stands stuffing the card in her pocket with a nod.
Saturday November 16, 2013:
"You don't have to do this not yet anyways, Liv."
She takes the bottle of water from his hands as she shifts to lean back against the wall of Kathy's family room, watching as Eli and his cousins play with his new gifts, "I told myself I would today. I gave myself a deadline and I texted all of them asking to talk to them after the party and they deserve to be the next ones to know."
"You don't have to do it today though."
Her head shakes and she pushes off from the wall, "I'd rather do it now than hear them gossiping about me, Elliot." His mouth opens to protest and she cuts him off, "Maureen is suspicious—"
"I can talk to Mau—"
"No." She stares into his eyes, "I have to tell them, El."
"I know," his hand settles on the back of her neck squeezing gently. "Mark is gonna put a movie on for the kids in the basement, and then we—"
"I, Elliot."
"We, Olivia," he counters with a smirk.
"You know I hate you right?"
The smirk turns into a grin, "I can feel the love from here, Liv." He glances up as Mark closes the door of the basement silencing the family room and kitchen from the kid's movie playing downstairs, "Ready?"
"Yeah."
Kathy finds her sitting against the back bumper of Elliot's 4Runner, "Hey."
"Hey."
"Elliot asked me to bring out his coat for you he thought you may be cold and it's warmer than that one you wore," the woman says needlessly as she wraps it around the other woman's shoulders. "Can I join you?"
"If you want," she whispers as she pushes her arms into Elliot's warm winter coat.
The other woman sits beside her staring out at her quiet suburban street, "El said you were nervous," El said you were terrified, but Kathy doesn't go for the jugular, "I thought the kids took it well."
"Yeah, well your kids have always been above the curve," she says wistfully, "Hope I get that lucky."
"I have no doubt, Liv."
"Makes one of us."
"Li—"
"They're not gonna have a father, Kath."
"What about Brian?"
"Already said no," she whispers, "Cycle repeats itself."
"No, no it won't Liv."
Her shoulders lift in a dismissive shrug, "Can you ask Elliot if he'll take me home? I'd rather not walk back in there when I'm sure the conversation is—"
"They aren't talking about you and we can leave whenever you want, Liv."
Kathy squeezes her hand as Elliot appears around the corner of the car and the blonde pulls her into a hug, "Thanks for coming today, Liv."
"I hope Eli liked the gift."
"You're kidding, right? Liv he's been begging us for that Hogwarts Lego set for three years, he's going to be entertained for hours once Elliot and Mark finish putting it together," she says with a laugh.
"We assigned the task to Will actual—what? He's an engineer, the guy puts things together for a living the least he can do is help out his father-in-law."
The man argues with a smirk and Kathy rolls her eyes glancing at the brunette, "Men."
Elliot texts her early in the morning checking once more that she doesn't want to join the Stabler clan for Thanksgiving and reminding her that she doesn't have to be at the precinct. She declines again, argues that she wants to complete paperwork and she's already offered Nick some help with his if the day stays quiet. She spends most of the day shifting between paperwork and worrying about her impending weekend away with her former partner.
The precinct has been quiet all day, the sun set about two hours ago leaving the precinct darker than she cares for and she's just about to get another cup of coffee. She drinks more than she used to and it's a new coping mechanism for the nights when Brian is home tonight having spent the day with his family and he's been furious and short-tempered all week, so it's better if she doesn't sleep tonight. He hates when she wants the lights on but she thinks he hates it more when she has a nightmare. The question of 'why she stays?' has cross her mind but then she remembers and it makes her feel worse.
She's reaching for her coffee mug when she hears the sound of running through the halls, but it's too quiet to be that of an adult and she looks up in just enough time to see Eli and Maureen's two little boys sprinting towards her as fast as their little legs can carry them.
"Aunt Livie!"
"Aunt Wivie!"
"Auntie Wivie!"
She bends down to catch them wrapping her arms around all three and kissing their heads, "What are you guys doing here?"
"Thanksgiving Dinner," his voice is soft and her head lifts to meet his baby blues eyes and the little boys unwrap their arms excitedly talking about all the desserts they've brought.
"El what are you—"
He holds his hand out to her and helps her stand, "Come on your family's waiting."
She grins and bright tears shine in her eyes as she lets him wrap his hand around her smaller one, "I thought you were at Mark and Kathy's place?"
"We were but everyone agreed that it felt like we were missing part of our family so we packed up the food and drove here so we could eat together."
"I'm still on until—"
"I cleared it with Cragen you're off at 7 PM until we return and it is now…" he trails off to look at his phone, "7:01 PM. Fin is officially catching and I apparently owe him an insane amount of beer." He rolls his eyes and she laughs as they enter the breakroom the room and everyone stands to hug her and then he kisses her head rubbing her back gently, "Happy Thanksgiving, Liv."
She grins at him tears still shining bright in her eyes, "Happy Thanksgiving, El."
They fill the breakroom with chatter, laughter, filling their stomachs with all the food they can fit for two hours. When Olivia reaches for a second piece of Pumpkin Pie, Elliot grins and she gives him a smirk as she sticks a forkful into her mouth.
Olivia and Kathy have been left alone to clean up while Elliot takes everyone up to the roof, the brunette knows though that this was a tactic to give the two woman a moment alone together. Elliot's quiet questioning was enough to tell her that and they're still sitting at the table together, Olivia drinking coffee and Kathy a water.
"You excited for tomorrow?"
"Nervous I've never done anything like this," she stares into her cup of coffee.
Kathy watches her and the brunette can feel her watching but she doesn't lift her head, "Never not even—"
"Never. Brian and I went to the Bahamas last year for Christmas but that was different, I planned it almost entirely this is…I've never done anything like this with anyone." Her voice is tight and low, "I'm nervous we'll run out of things to talk about." Kathy laughs a little, rolling her eyes and Olivia glances at her in surprise, "What?"
"I don't think you and El could ever run out of topics. The things you know about him…I was married to him for 20 somethin years, but you knew him better. Even the stuff he didn't…doesn't talk about…you deal with it better I used to get scared when I'd see that anger in him, I mean he never hurt me or the kids but when he went silent…I didn't understand it."
"It was just the job, seeing the stuff we saw it makes you develop a thicker skin to protect those who won't understand it."
"You did though, you knew…" her voice drops low, "I cringe now when I think of how I treated you, the jealousy I had for you spending fifteen plus hours together everyday. I used to think…I mean Jo Marlowe hit on him and you were…still are prettier—"
"I'm not…even if I was back then, which I don't believe I'm certainly not anymore—"
"You are prettier than her, always have been and how was I gonna compete?" Did he ever tell you about his time in the service?"
"Not really mentioned it a couple times but nothing…" she waves a hand as she trails off.
Kathy nods a little, "Yeah, sounds like Elliot."
"Yeah," she tears apart the napkin in front of her.
"He told me about it one time there was an ambush…it was the first time he really talked about his time overseas," Kathy's green eyes meet her chocolate, "Kathleen was in college. It was after her court case and you had caught a case about a veteran who had been struggling and he'd ended up…raped and murdered, and he finally opened up it took him…it took him decades to open up about one incident and I know he saw more."
"Kathy—"
"We ran into some of his old buddies from his time over there when the kids were small," she runs a hand through her hair, "He had nightmares for weeks, Liv."
"I don't understand why—"
"You're gonna be fine this weekend."
"Are you still in love him?" Her voice is gravelly her eyes staring back into her coffee, she won't look at the other woman not when this woman could now destroy her with one word.
"No," Kathy squeezes her hand, "Liv look at me?" the brunette sighs lifting her head slowly, "I'm not in love with him, I love him as the father of my kids and my friend that's all."
"Just needed to know he says the same thing…but I had to ask," her voice is a strained. Kathy can tell she's on the verge of tears, understands that anxiety over tomorrow and the emotion from having people show up for her on Thanksgiving, when she was so used to being alone.
"Want me to get El?"
She sucks in a breath, and her eyes are already teary but she shakes her head, "I'm fine. I can clean this up you can go up to the roof with—"
"It'll be faster if we do it together besides, I'm sure there's some people in this building that would love to find a homecooked meal in here huh?"
Olivia and Kathy are putting the last of the food away in the fridge when the kids and Elliot reappear and all three little boys are sleeping in the arms of Mark, Elliot, and Will. They leave a few minutes later and after the goodbyes Olivia slips away to the locker room, and Elliot is sitting in the chair by her desk when she reappears thirty minutes later.
Her face looks like she scrubbed it raw and her voice is thick, "Thought you left with everyone else."
"Nah wanted to offer you a ride home," he says with a smile.
"You waited here for thirty minutes just so you could give me a ride?"
He grins nodding watching as she sits down at her desk, "Wanna stay over tonight we could leave first thing then?"
"Still haven't packed and Brian wanted me to come home."
"I can still give you a ride?"
"Yeah," her voice is strained and although she looks around her desk a bit desperately for any potential work, she begins packing up her belongings without complaint.
They're driving to her apartment when she asks in a soft whisper and he turns down the radio to hear her, "What are you packing?"
"Jeans, sweatshirts, some dress pants for dinner."
"Your swimsuit?"
"Yeah," her eyes glance at his nervously before they skirt away and he finishes quickly, "I like swimming as a workout that's all. We're gonna have fun, Liv."
"What if we run out of things to talk about?
He squeezes her hand, "I don't think that's possible for us."
Her hands rub her thighs anxiously her body feels like it's pulsating and he grips her small hand in his, "What if you get annoyed with me?"
"Impossible," he pulls up to the apartment building putting the car in park but she doesn't move, "It's going to be a low-key weekend away."
She shrugs a little and he knows she doesn't believe him even when she nods, she opens the door but stops just before she steps out, "What time tomorrow?"
"8:30? I know it's early but you can slee—"
"It's fine."
They're on the road just before 8:30 the next morning and Olivia finishes the coffee she had brought in the traveler's mug before reaching into the cupholder for the one Elliot had made her. He watches her out of the corner of his eye as they merge onto the highway, "You alright?"
"Yeah, didn't sleep well last night."
"I brought a pillow and the blanket you—"
"—I don't wanna think about my mom this week—"
He reaches behind the seat and grabs the pillow and the fuzzy blanket he knows she loves, "Good cause I didn't bring that one," he places both on her lap grinning at her quickly before he transfers his eyes back to the road.
She puts the pillow next to her feet but she covers herself with the blanket, "Thank you."
They stop for gas and a bathroom break just over the Pennsylvania border and she grabs another coffee refusing to meet his eyes when she goes for the extra-large cup. They both know she has been fighting sleep for the past hour and the few times she has dozed off she jerked awake only moments later.
"How's Cassidy?"
"Fine."
"He still planning on the Bahamas?"
"Two and a half weeks in paradise just him, his buddies, college girls, and whatever happens there stays there." She sees him glance at her from the corner of her eye and she shrugs, "His friends aren't my friends. Probably for the best though," she stares at her lap as she fiddles with her fingers, "December's gonna be a bad month."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Work."
"You're staying at your place?"
Her eyes roll, "It is my home, Elliot."
"I just thought you—"
"No."
"Li—"
"Elliot, no. Can we change the topic? You promised me we wouldn't fight if I came," she shifts in her seat, away from him, taking a sip of her coffee.
"Didn't realize we were about to…but fine," he agrees and she can't help but roll her eyes, "How have you been sleeping?"
"Damnit, Elliot."
"You said—"
"Fine. I sleep like a baby, that what you wanna hear?"
"I want you to tell me the truth, Liv, and that's your third cup of coffee for a two-hour drive and I can practically feel you buzzing beside me."
She throws the blanket and then the pillow into the back seat, suddenly hot and uncomfortable and she wants to blame him and the conversation but she knows she really only has herself to blame. She finds herself wishing she'd grabbed the bottle of water that he offered her at the gas station, and she can't stop herself from asking, "Can I take a sip of your water?"
He reaches blindly for the half-drunk bottle of water sitting in the cupholder and he thinks he's glad he brought the larger bottle rather than the standard size because right now she's too pale. "Keep it. You alright?"
"Just nauseous."
"Morning sickness? Cause Kathy used to—"
"No."
He pushes the button to roll down her passenger window all the way and he watches her inhale the cold air, "Better?"
"Thanks."
"You sure you're alright?"
She takes a sip of water from the mega-sized bottle and nods, "Yeah."
They are upgraded to a junior suite overlooking the private lake as an apology for the resort giving them one king sized bed rather than the originally booked two queen-sized beds. Olivia's demeanor shifts from jumpy to tense at the news and despite the presence of the requested cot sitting in the space between the couch and the flat screen TV, it does little to appease her.
He smiles at her from his spot on the couch as she appears from the bathroom finally in sweatpants and his NYPD sweatshirt, "Sorry I didn't realize you were still up."
"Decided to wait for you are you ready for bed?"
"You sure you don't want me to sleep on the cot?"
"I'll be fine, Liv."
He can feel himself tumbling towards the promise of sleep when he hears the locks click again and the soft metal of the door latch against the wooden door being put into place, again. He sits up and he can see her in the darkness fiddling with the locks, making sure they're in place for the fifth time that night, and when she turns her eyes widen as they meet his unexpectedly.
"I just wanted to check one more time."
He nods as he watches her climb back into bed but she stares at the ceiling, "Liv—"
"Go to sleep I'll be quiet I promise."
He listens to her sheets rustle as she twists and turns and he cracks an eye to see her watching him and he sighs and sits up again, "Liv?"
"Sorry," she mumbles.
"It's the nightmares again isn't it?"
"I'm fine just go to sleep, El."
His eyes roll in the dark but instead he asks, "You wanna talk about it?"
"Nope," her lips popping apart.
"The same ones as last time?"
"No, they've changed and it's…I said that I didn't wanna talk, Elliot."
He sits up again but this time he hangs his feet over the side of the small cot to look at her directly in the light from the bathroom light providing just enough light to make out her face. "You talk to Ava though right?" Her head nods once, "I'll wake you if you—" she nods again cutting him off, "And you know you can—"
"I know. Can we please stop talking about this?" Her voice begs quietly and she's suddenly grateful for the darkness in a way that she hasn't been until now.
"Liv I didn't me—"
"I'm going to bed, night."
The brunette turns her back to him and he watches her for a few more moments before he lays down himself, suddenly wide awake with questions and fear of the unknown. He holds off on sleep until he can't any longer and every intuition of his tells him she isn't sleeping but she's now completely quiet and to express otherwise would be seen as an insult to her and a royal fuck-up on his part.
They spend the morning and afternoon walking through the shops and boutiques in town returning just before dinner and she deflates into the bed. He sits on the couch watching as she shifts between sleeping to jerking awake moments later and he finally stands moving to sit on the other side of the bed and she sits up immediately. Some bad excuse tumbling out of her mouth for why she needs to another cup of coffee but he grabs her hand before she can stand, "You need sleep."
"I'm fi—"
"No you're not," his voice is harsher than he intends and tears spring to her eyes, he sighs and he takes a moment to breathe and when he speaks again he's softer, "You're exhausted. You're exhausted and you're terrified of something and you don't have to tell me what that is but you do need sleep, Liv."
"The nightmares are—"
"I'll wake you, before he can hurt you again."
"Them."
"What?"
"Before they hurt me," her hand grips his larger one, "There's two of them now."
"Who else is—" her head shakes, and he stares into her terrified brown eyes, "You don't have to tell me," she breathes out a sigh of relief, "I'll wake you before they hurt you though, Liv."
Her head settles against the pillow and her hand grips his as her eyes finally close.
Ch. 26: 15 Years
December rolls in with a cloud of darkness. The first of December brings a blizzard that blankets the city in fluffy white snow and it's both gorgeous and a pain in the ass. Eli is with him when it starts and there's an announcement for a snow day before the sun has risen, so they spend the day sledding, building snowmen, and more sledding.
Eli is back at Kathy's house now and he finds his way to the small journal that has been sitting where she had hidden it almost two months ago. He almost wonders if a book can have magical properties like that storybook does in that show Lizzie loves, because right now this journal feels like a magnet to his hands.
Serena had given Liv away when she was three to the therapist, Cindy, and her new husband.
As Serena describes it, Cindy and her new husband had offered to do a trial adoption for a month and Serena professes that it was the happiest month of her life. In the end though, Cindy found out she was pregnant and suddenly there was no need for the little girl with big brown eyes and silky brown hair in a family of blonde hair and blue eyes.
It's a detail that makes him question every time he turned away from her, every moment he put her last because he had the blonde hair and blue-eyed family waiting for him at home.
The little girl was returned to her mother's door step and a week later the couple moved to a brownstone in Upper Manhattan. A month later, Serena and Liv moved too but in the polar opposite direction, Serena found a cheap street level apartment and that was where they stayed until Liv finally went to college. She'd told him that she never returned home after she went off to college and by the end of her freshman year at Sienna College, Serena had moved to the one-bedroom high-rise apartment. Which effectively circumvented any conversation about Liv returning home for the summer or in the future, instead she'd stayed at Sienna College and worked her four years of college away.
Elliot flips through the journal looking for a date, a specific date. He realizes that Serena tends to ignore the date for the most part, and the day after her handwriting is always messier than normal. Elliot knows she was hardly ever sober, but it's always worse on December 14.
December 13, 1980
My little Livie is thirteen today. You'd think after all this time I'd be used to having to look into her face, but every day she becomes more like him and it only confirms to the world that she's a bastard.
She asked me today if I loved her.
I told her it's impossible to love somebody like her.
He closes the book, letting his fingers hold his place as tears fill his eyes and he squeezes them shut.
Liv has never told him how or when Serena had told her she was the product of rape, he'd imagined that it had been when she was in college, eighteen maybe. The conversation was never going to be any easy conversation, but he had at least thought, or hoped that Serena had waited.
Tonight, he thinks he's going to learn.
He opens the book again a moment later.
I told her finally what I've been dying to tell her since the day she was born, thirteen years I've been waiting for this moment. I used to think about it constantly when she was still a baby, I'd think about telling her then just to say the words.
I wanted to hurt her.
There was a moment when I thought I could love her.
When Tim was still around and there was a possibility that she wouldn't ruin my life. He left before she was even nine months, he said it was my drinking and my "indifference" to her but I know, he left because my little bastard came into our lives.
Tim and I had been meant for a brownstone on the Upper-East Side, instead I got her and lost him.
Today though, I finally told her.
I told her how much of a bastard she was, why I could never love her.
Tuesday December 10, 2013:
The vibration of his phone against the coffee table makes him jump and wraps the tears that he hadn't realized were trailing down his cheeks, letting the journal fall to the couch as he reaches for his phone. "Hey, Liv," he clears his throat, "I'm sorry abo—"
"Thanks."
Her curtness makes him want to smile because at least this is normal. He tries again, "I've been thinking about her—"
Liv makes a sound that could be the laugh, except it's too angry, "I'm sure you have."
"Liv—"
"Can you meet for dinner?"
He remembers she doesn't like to be alone on the anniversary of her mother's death, he feels guilt creep into his stomach before finally settling in his heart. He'd written her out of his life for two years and he wonders how she'd dealt with this day without him there to soften blow.
He realizes he's been quiet for too long and she's beginning to backtrack when he cuts her off mid-sentence, "Yeah, Liv."
Friday December 13, 2013:
He smiles down at his phone as he leans back in his desk chair and he can't help the bright tone, "Happy Birthday, Liv."
"You already said that in your voicemail this morning."
"Doesn't count."
He can hear her eyes roll, "I didn't know there were so many rules about saying happy birthday to someone," she mumbles sarcastically.
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Brian's working OT until he leaves, so I'll probably just order in," he hears her sigh and then her voice drops, "I'm gonna go see my mom when I get out of here."
"Can I come?"
"I'll be fi—"
"Please?"
"You'll pick me up?"
"Whenever you want," he promises.
His truck is parked across the street when she steps out of the precinct in the early evening, right where he had told her, and the heat wraps around her frame as she settles into the passenger seat. He's brought two roses with him and her fingers touch the delicate petals gently as they drive towards Brooklyn.
"Thanks for coming."
He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, "Thanks for letting me." The truck is silent for a long couple of minutes before he finally asks, "You do this every year?"
"Yeah. Two days after her funeral I spent the day staring at dirt."
"You never told me—"
"Never told anyone. My entire existence is depressing and the fact that my mother died three days before my birthday and I had to bury her two days before my birthday? It's almost too tragic to be believable. Telling people, I do this on my birthday just makes me sound like a martyr," her shoulders lift just the slightest and her voice drops, "I liked being the only one who knew."
"Why me?"
Silence fills the space again as they pull into the cemetery.
Liv opens the door when they stop in front of her mother's grave and there's a rush of cold air into the previously warm car, "Wait here, okay? I won't be long this time I know you've got things to do."
The door is closed before he can answer.
The wind is strong enough to whip the hair that's fallen from her ponytail and her jacket clad arm swipes across the top of the headstone removing the last of the snow that had settled there. She stands then and whispers softly, "Hi mom. I'm sorry I didn't come three days ago," she always apologizes.
Only the wind answers.
It doesn't sound like forgiveness.
She turns her head the slightest bit to glance at the red 4Runner out of the corner of her eye and then she turns away again, facing her mother, "Elliot came today. I guess our secret isn't much of a secret anymore," she smiles sadly, "I'm sorry but I wasn't sure how I'd get home and after last week…" her eyes drop to the roses, "I'm sorry."
Tears sting her eyes as the wind picks up, "I should go. I promised him I wouldn't be long," she places the roses on top of the headstone her hand settling there for a moment, "I'll be back next week." She drops her hand away, "I promise."
Elliot blessedly doesn't break the silence until they're out of the cemetery, "Did you want to stay longer?"
Her head shakes as she wraps her arms around herself, but the tears that are welling in her eyes prevent her from speaking. Liv spends the time staring out the window and wiping discreetly at her eyes, at least until he makes a wrong turn, goes right instead of straight, "Where—"
"Have a surprise for you."
Her face darkens, "I don't like surprises."
"I know but…" he glances at her and shrugs, helplessly, "It's your birthday, Liv."
"It's a day, Elliot," her voice is firm, "One that I hate."
"I know."
"I just wanted to go home and…why are you doing this to me? Please, El. I'm a mess and anxious and I'm still not sleeping well," she chews on her lower lip as she fidgets in the seat, adjusting and re-adjusting as he turns onto his block. There's a bead of sweat trailing down her forehead when he pulls into the parking space and she pushes her palms into her thighs before she pulls away like own thighs have burned her. "Please take me—"
"Liv."
Her bottom lip trembles and she pinches it between her index and she pushes her palms into her eyes but it doesn't stop the tears from trailing down her cheeks, "Don't make me go up th—"
"Liv," her door is open and he's standing there, she isn't sure when that happened or how she didn't realize it, her bloodshot eyes jump to his, "Come on."
Her head shakes defiantly and her hands wipe at her hot, angry tears, "I'm begging you to not make me do this, not today."
Elliot's larger hands frame her face and his thumbs pad against her face, wiping away the tears as he stares into her eyes, "Gotta trust me for a few minutes and then I swear it'll be worth it."
"Is it a party?" He's silent for a moment as he tries consider how to answer this and she asks again, "Is Cragen here?"
"No."
"Fin?"
"Nobody from work is here. You can leave in an hour if you hate it and you can blame it all on me, I'd deserve it anyways."
Despite his offer, she knows she can't leave without feeling like a failure but she nods anyways because at least there's an out and nobody work is here so that narrows it to his family and she can deal that for a couple hours. "You promise nobody from work?"
"I promise."
Liv follows him up the stairs as she wipes furiously at her face, her heart pounding faster and faster as they climb. The feeling makes her think of documentary she watched years ago about the history of London, and during the time of public hangings they had designed the archways of this courthouse to get smaller and smaller as prisoners walked to their death, she knows it's obnoxious but right now she feels the same.
They reach his floor and he glances over his shoulder to catch her eye, "Ready?"
Her hands wipe furiously at her face as they approach his door but the motion does nothing to help, her eyes are still bloodshot and puffy but he doesn't mention it as he waits for her small nod and then he raises to knock against his door, giving her a wink as they wait, she can hear movement behind the door but nothing more. She takes the moment to prepare herself, to steel herself off to the idea of a party and it's a selfish thought, but right now she doesn't want to hear about being part of a family.
Family and birthdays don't go together, not for her anyways.
She only gets hurt on her birthday.
The thought crosses her mind that him doing this to her may very well be her undoing.
The door opens and she sees the flash of blonde hair running towards her and a chorus of loud and excited voices, "Happy Biw'day, Aunt Livie!" There are three sets of arms wrapped around her waist and legs before she can process a thought, and for once she doesn't register the feeling of little hands against her scars.
She snaps back to reality when she feels his hand against her back and his lips press into her hair as the kids take off back into the condo yelling about presents, "Happy Birthday, Liv."
"How did you—who was wit—"
"Happy Birthday, Liv."
Her head spins to the woman smiling as she leans against the door, "Thanks, Kath. Are all the kids here?" The boys have at least settled her and the anxiety she'd felt at the idea of being in a large family setting is crawling back into the hole and she wonders if she'd had the foresight to keep any make-up here before she left for good at the end of October, because right now she knows she needs a miracle.
Eli appears beside Kathy for just a moment, just barely long enough to excitedly inform her, "We get to spend the night cause it's your birthday!"
She glances between Elliot and Kathy, "It's just the boys?"
"I promised you that you'd love the surprise, didn't I?"
"You didn't have to do this though I would've been fine," suddenly her behavior in the last thirty minutes makes her feel about an inch tall, "I love all of your ki—"
"They know, Liv," Kathy assures her.
"I don't show it very well if I can't even bear to see them on my birthday." The guilt coils inside of her, where the anxiety was before now there's guilt, "I'm so sor—"
"They're fine, Liv. We'll celebrate on Sunday all of us, El ordered a cake and Mark picked it up while I waited with the boys," Kathy grabs her coat and purse from the hook by the door. "I'm gonna go, I let them pick out a movie so I hope you're in the mood to watch and they each got you a gift," her lips purse for a moment and then she bites back a grin, "Expect a lot of stuffed animals."
Liv grins as Kathy reaches out to hug her, "Thank you."
"See you Sunday, okay?"
Liv nods.
Kathy has ordered them a pizza as a surprise it arrives while Olivia is opening her gifts from the boys, and reading their homemade cards. She can feel the tears welling in her eyes, but this time it's for an entirely different reason.
They eat pizza in front of the TV and for dessert there's ice cream, the boys sit on the floor in front of the coffee table, until the rush of sugar and excitement wear off and then they migrate to Olivia. The twins sit on her lap and there's a sudden threat of a breakdown from Eli at the realization that he now has to share Aunt Livie.
"Eli." His lip trembles as his eyes meet hers and she leans in a bit, "If you place your head against my tummy you'll hear the baby moving around." His eyes widen a bit and she straightens so he can rest his head against the side of her stomach, her arm wraps around his tiny frame, "You hear the baby?"
"Yeah!" His grin is infectious.
The kids don't last much longer before her and Elliot are carrying them into Eli's room. The twins are already sleeping when they settle them on the bottom bunk of Eli's bed, and Eli instinctively sprawls out on the top bunk.
The family room is quiet when they return and Elliot smiles at her as he hands her another bowl of chocolate ice cream, sitting beside her, "Good birthday?"
"The best, thank you."
"Considering how close we came to Eli having a tantrum I should be thanking you, Liv," his hand squeezes the back of her neck and he feels her relax beneath him. "Wanna watch Identity Thief?"
"I should be going it's gonna be hell trying to catch a cab in this cold and I'd rather walk home before it starts snowing again."
"You could stay or take my truck home, I don't need it until the afternoon."
She sighs staring down at her watch for a long moment, "Fine."
Liv settles her head against his upper arm as the movie starts, and they watch the first part of the movie in silence save for the laughter. His hand intertwines with hers at some point and despite her hand being clammy neither one seems to mind when she grips his hand.
"Do you know?"
Her voice is so quiet he almost doesn't hear her, "Know what?" Elliot watches her inhale a shaky breath and despite the fact that she's in turmoil, he feels eerily calm. "The real reason," he pauses to consider his words, "Or at least part of the reason for why you hate your birthday?"
"Yeah."
"I know." A weight seems to lift off her shoulders at the words, instead settling on his, "Liv what I did—"
"I needed you to know," she admits softly, "I needed you to know before this baby comes cause if I ever get to the point where—"
He hits the pause button on the remote and turns to face her, "You're not your mom, Liv."
"I just needed you to know because I need you to promise me that you'll watch out for this baby," her fingers skim over her stomach, "If I can't put this baby first, I need you to promise me you will."
"Liv—"
"Please?"
Elliot nods, "I promise."
"Thank you."
"Do you want it back cause you can have it, it's yours and I have no rig—"
"Keep it. I can't throw it away cause it's my mom's but I can't have it with me either, at least here I know it's safe and I'm not betraying her but I can also protect myself from all the shit she wrote about me."
The movie finishes just as she could feel herself drifting off against him but the end credits are like a light switch for her and suddenly, she's wide awake and taking their empty bowls to the kitchen. He slips away while she's washing out their bowls and putting away the leftover pizza in the fridge.
He appears again just as she's moving back into the family room, "Thought you disappeared on me."
"Had to get something."
She nods but doesn't ask, "I'm gonna go, you sure you're alright if I take your truck?"
"Can you wait like five minutes?"
A sigh expels from her lips, "El," she hates leaving and nights like tonight when he only keeps procrastinating the inevitable makes it harder.
The baby blue gift bag and white tissue paper appears from behind his back, "Five minutes, please?"
"I told you no gifts, El." He's never listened to her before, even if all he did was treat her to lunch at her favorite place or some new knickknack that was childish but too cute not to love, but this year she'd meant it.
"I can't ignore your birthday, Liv." He hands her the bag as she takes a seat on the couch and removes the tissue paper from the bag before reaching inside for the wrapped gift, "Hope you like it."
Her fingers slip under the taped paper and she feels all of her apprehension leave her body as she stares down at the gift in her lap. "Oh."
"You left the box here," he explains needlessly as she stares down at the collage of frames. "I know I shouldn't have gone through it but I was…I know how much you love Calvin and you never got around to fram—"
"El?"
"Yeah?"
Her fingers trace the boy's portrait of her as a cop and then they move to the other photos one of them is from a Saturday spent in Central Park, but the other one is her favorite. Calvin had come to the precinct after school because she had paperwork to finish, but Elliot and Calvin kept trying to distract her by making her laugh. Elliot had managed to catch the picture of them at the perfect moment, mid-laughter and their eyes were bright with happiness. The boy had loved being at the precinct and it had been just one more thing that tethered him to her, that made her think that maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be temporary.
In the end, it was temporary and it only proved the point that happiness would always slip through her fingers.
"This is the single greatest gift anybody has ever given me."
He glances at the wooden flag engraved with his shield number that sits proudly in the center of his mantle, and his gift suddenly feels inadequate. "I know it isn't much, I know you deserve more but I wa—"
"I love it. Nobody has ever done something like this for me and I really…" her voice is thickly laced with emotion, "Thank you, El."
Monday December 23, 2013:
Brian's gone and the apartment has been deadly silent for days now, she's kept the TV on for constant noise and a constant source of light, but the comfort that the TV provides doesn't assuage her anxiety, she's taken to doing sweeps of the apartment in a way that she hasn't done since they'd moved in and Brian was working. She's taken to sleeping fitfully on the couch and it's killing her back and she knows she hasn't been sleeping well but she decides that she can live with a lack of sleep, at least it beats the alternatives that live in her head.
The knock on the door has her shooting a foot into the air and in her sleep deprived state she nearly falls off the couch, just barely manages to catch herself. She reaches for her gun that's sitting on the coffee table before she stands and her hearts racing, she can hear the blood rushing through her ears and she reminds herself to keep her steps soft as approaches the door, just like she was trained. She chances a glance through the peephole and she sighs at the man standing patiently on the other side waiting for her to open the door.
She pulls open the door propping it open with her foot slightly and while his eyes sweep over her, he doesn't say anything about the gun in her right hand, "Hey."
"What El?"
"Nothin' I can't stop by and see my best friend?"
Liv's eyes roll, "Who called you?"
"I'm here cause I wanted to see you and I know how much you hate the cold, so I figured it wasn't fair to make you leave your apartment." He smiles and glances behind her, "Can I come in?"
She pushes the door open with her foot so that it bounces lightly off the wall as she turns away, "If you're gonna stay for awhile do the locks." She collapses back onto the couch as she reaches for the fuzzy blanket again and mumbles, "I'm not looking to entertain tonight so I doubt I'll be great company."
"I'm fine with just watching TV, you hungry?"
"Had leftovers a few hours ago."
He nods but she's staring blankly at the TV, "How 'bout pizza?"
"Who called you?"
He sighs and his voice pleads, "Liv—"
"Cragen?"
"No."
"Fin?"
"No, Liv."
"Then who?"
"Ava said you canceled your appointment on Friday," her eyes harden and her mouth opens but Elliot continues before she can formulate her words. "She said that you looked like you were losing weight and like you hadn't been sleeping."
"I didn't know she gave you status reports about me," she whispers darkly.
"You said she could tell me things if she thoug—"
"I know what I said," her voice bites harsh and cruel. Silence fills her living room again and she's distracted by the thought that here it's a living room but at Elliot's place this same room was a family room. "I just didn't...know," her voice cracks and she wraps the blanket around her tighter, "What else did she tell you?"
"Nothin." Brown eyes find his and he holds up his hands in surrender, "I swear that's all she said and it's the first time she's ever told me anything about your sessions, Liv. You wanna tell me?"
"No."
"Maur told me she asked you to go shopping with her for the baby," he chances a glance at her but she doesn't bother to lift her eyes, "That sounds nice, Liv."
She curls tighter under the blanket but she's still shivering, "You shouldn't have put her up to it, Elliot. Maureen doesn't like me as much as Kathleen or Lizzie, even Dickie seems to like me more than she does, it isn't fair to her to have to spend a day with somebody she doesn't like."
"I didn't put my daughter up to anything I wouldn't do that to her or you and neither would Kathy, that was all Maureen's idea," Liv rolls her eyes again, "Why is that a bad thing?"
Her shoulders lift in a shrug breaking the shivering for a moment of stillness, "I just…don't think I'm the best person to be around right now."
"Why not?"
"Just not."
There's a knock at the door and she jumps as she fumbles for her gun on the coffee table but Elliot's hand covers her before she can lift it and startled eyes jump to his, "Just the pizza. I'll get the door just relax, Liv."
He removes his hand and walks towards the door, but her hand stays wrapped around the gun, her back tense as she watches him open the door exchanging cash for two pizza boxes, he closes the door a moment later and sets the locks in place again, he doesn't say anything when he turns back to see her watching him.
Elliot sits beside her after he grabs them paper plates and napkins, "Alright?" She nods once staring down her piece of pizza and breadstick and he tries again, "What are we watching?"
She shrugs handing him the remote, "You pick."
He flips through the channels as she picks at the plate of food, he settles for one of the many Christmas movies that are currently playing on every channel across America, "This alright?"
"Fine."
They eat in silence well he eats in silence. Liv on the other hand picks at the food until she finally pushes away the plate of food, curling under the blanket again as her head rests against his upper arm. "You should sleep, Liv."
"You'll wake me before you leave?"
"Yeah, Liv."
"If I have a nightmare—"
His arm wraps around her and she settles her head against his hard chest as she breathes him in deeply, "I promise I'll wake you, Liv."
There's darkness for longer than normal she knows it's longer than normal because she can feel it, there's a feeling she gets when they come for her and they haven't come yet. It's still dark and she let's herself breathe a sigh of relief, maybe they won't come today.
The relief has just settled over her body when she opens her eyes to see them leering down at her and she can't help but scream at the sinister look on their eyes suddenly. They laugh and it's a loud & crackling noise that makes her body tense.
"Liv…" she just barely hears it and it's gone before she can even search for the owner of the voice because she knows it's impossible for that voice to belong to who she thinks, who she hopes, she knows it's just another trick her brain is playing on her.
It only makes everything worse.
"Wake up, Liv." This time it's louder but she knows it's a trick because her partner and best friend of thirteen years has not come searching for here in the fifteen years she's been missing, if he had he would've found her.
She begs for them to let her go, pleads with the young teen who has brown hair like her but his eyes are hazel and dead, just like his father. He climbs on top of her and she twists on the dirty and soiled mattress beneath her begging and pleading that he not do this to her, not him of all people.
"Dad said it's my turn—"
"Liv!"
His hands slam down on either side of her head and she cries in fear, he laughs again and then he leans in and whispers, "Dad said this time it's my turn mo—"
She screams and her eyes fly open.
Her heart is pounding.
The sudden rise of something in her throat has her running for the toilet and she collapses in front of the porcelain toilet as she empties the minimal contents of food from her stomach into the toilet. She jumps again when a hand lands on her back she's tense and hyperaware, but his hands collect her hair holding it in a makeshift ponytail as she leans forward again.
She rests her forehead against the porcelain seat as silent tears stream down her face, she feels him shift beside her and she waits for the sound of his feet padding out of the bathroom, to the front door. Instead, she hears the sink and then a couple seconds later a cold rag is placed along the back of her neck, but she can't bear to lift her head in thanks.
"You alright now?" Liv nods once and she pushes away from the toilet to lean against the wall and then there's the sound of the toilet flushing before he moves to sit a foot away from her. "You wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"I tried waking you but you wouldn't—couldn't wake up, I'm sorry Liv."
"I heard your voice, just didn't believe it was really you."
"Liv—"
She grunts as she pushes up from the bathroom floor reaching for her toothbrush and she glances at him in the mirror, "You should go now. You don't want to be here for this, trust me."
"I'll be in the family room."
He's standing by the couch and his coat is folded over his arm when she re-appears, her eyes take him in quickly but then she's bypassing him for the couch and the blanket. "Thanks for coming over," she says darkly as she curls under the blanket again.
"You wanna come over?"
"It's late." It's all she says but it's enough.
"Can I stay?"
"We don't have a guest room. We were going to but then I found out and so we didn't," she shrugs again and runs her hand through her hair, "It isn't a nursery yet either so it's just kinda sitting there with some desk Brian had from his old place that we never use. You could have my bed though I don't—" she stands again letting the blanket fall to the floor, "I'll change my sheets so you can have the be—"
His rough hand grabs hers to stop her, "I don't need a bed."
Liv pinches the bridge of her nose but she sits down nodding slowly, "Okay."
The promise of him staying is a comfort that's short-lived before the pummel of anxiety begins coursing through her body, and she works harder to keep her body awake. They're on opposite ends of the couch now and she's careful to keep herself to that one couch cushion, he's staring at the TV when he feels her jump again and he manages to catch her eye.
"You can sleep, Liv. I'm sorry that I didn't manage to wake you but I—"
"Not your fault," her voice is raspy and low.
"You were mumbling in your sleep."
Her head spins to look at him, "What was I—could you make out what I was saying?"
"Only a couple things you kept saying them over and over," he tells her softly turning to face her so his back rests against the arm rest of the couch.
Brown eyes to him and away, her hands twisting as she shifts on the couch unable to find a comfortable position, "What was I—will you—"
"You were…Liv..." he breathes out staring into her eyes as they fill with tears and he watches them drop again and he asks softly, "Were you having a dream that you hadn't been rescued?"
