(A/N: #Post Kuru Kuru Kururin: Last Land audio track here.# He still hasn't even seen the coin floating in the air yet…)
SM64 Extreme Hack reference, specifically Rambi's Reverie from Treasure World Dream Edition. 'Last Land' is the music that's playing in the stage. One loop of that music was actually in the original release of this, but FFN obviously doesn't get that. Sad.
I've always liked music as a bit of extra flair to something. Either adding to a scene, showing a hint of something to come, or flashing a hint of that something more than what the text tells you… I wish more fics would use that kind of thing, but I can see why they don't.
Also, my Author's Note for the end of Chapter 26 would have been lying if I had finished this chapter.
Quite possibly the oddest trio of colors blow through the hallways at very, very high speed. They begin to separate at the training arenas, and the yellow one goes inside, ready to do battle with the finest specimens of virtual fighters money can buy.
He begins at Level 1. The single fighter that kicks everything off is no match for Jaune. It gets absolutely demolished with an easy "sword" slash. The two bots that follow meet a similar fate, unable to even fire a shot. The three afterward really should have just given up and killed themselves, but luckily Jaune is there to do the job for them, taking them down with two quick slashes. Although one of them got a shot off this time. Rude!
If that one shot affected him, he doesn't show it. As the level counter ticks up, He remains as watchful as ever. The robots come out again and keep meeting their fate as mere metal fragments on the ground, before being zapped out of existence. Level 3, which was a crowning achievement for the Jaune of before, is now stormed through with very little exertion on his part.
10 minutes later...
The designers of this simulation put a cruel, cruel wall in to slow progress down. It is meant to give them a decent challenge, but any untrained foe would be almost certain to meet their end right here. The trio of bots that cap off Level 9 are buffed to hell. For a proper huntsman, this is nothing, as most clear it on their second try. Some even get it on Try 1, like many of the first-years in this class.
Now it is Jaune's turn to try this gauntlet. The attack begins strong, with all three bots firing at the same time. His shield is big enough to block them all, but it's still an annoying start. He goes to attack one with his sword…
But misses.
They are also fast as all hell. He can get several nicks in, but their reaction time is just too quick, as they duck just outside the reach of the sharpened blades. This sure is an Atlas product. The Dust will have to come out for this one.
Even mere milliseconds feel like an eternity as the bots begin doing some damage. Ice dust gets selected this time, and out pops pellets of ice, that, despite their small size, cause significant damage to those bots. But it's still a tough fight. The shield works wonders to stop any bumps from the bots, but three at once is just hard to deal with. One goes down with a shot between the eyes.
He switches it over to Fire Dust, and suddenly things seem to get a little easier… The fire spreads out like a phoenix and completely covers one of the bots, neutering it to the point where a simple kick knocks it out of commission. This truly is an Atlas product. The final bot sees what happened to its buddy and tries to run away from the fiery stick, but Jaune is on a warpath.
The shield blocks almost all attacks, and even the ones that get through do nothing. The bot zigs and zags around, trying to find an opening, but nothing appears. He traps it in a corner and slashes the ever-loving fuck out of the bot, giving it hit after hit after hit. It's almost an unrecognizable pile of scrap by the time he is done with it.
"Uff... Uff… Wow…"
But one feeling overcomes them all; happiness. He actually did it.
"Level 9 complete! Continue to-"
The area of the screen that once held the continue button shatters. His weapon comes back out, and the fight continues on. Jaune continues in peak form, but more and more hits begin to seep through as the levels climb. The arena cycles through a multitude of colors thanks to all of the dust being used. He makes it to Level 20, a relatively high level that few get to without overusing their semblance to hell and back. But he is clearly close to collapse. The fighting has taken its toll, and he must quit.
He struggles to make it over to the pad, and lightly touches the "End Simulation" button with one begrudging, reddened finger.
It shows many statistics upon ending the simulation.
Hits Taken: 27
Bots Killed: 132
Level Reached: 20
Final Grade: 39/50 C+
Wait, C+? Fuck you Atlas, there isn't a better 50/50 on the planet and you know it. Not even the slam dunk contest can compare.
See high scores?
Curious, he taps the corner of the button, barely able to do so because of the incident earlier.
Highest Level
1. GG - Level 0***
2. Pyrrha - Level 255
3. Coco - Level 96
4. Raven - Level 77
5. Qrow - Level 69
*One star equals one full loop of 256 levels.
Who's "GG"? And how did she get through 700+ levels of this?
And of course Pyrrha is number 2. Definitely not the magnetism. Jaune can not think of a single way that magnetism could be useful in this simulation. It's not like you could use it to throw the robots around like a pinball and make them go-
*bonk bonk bonk bonk*
Yeah! Like that! She totally didn't u-
*bonk bonk bonk BOOM!*
Jaune looks outside the arena. Yatsu is there, also looking forward. He follows his gaze…
The faint buzz of what sounds like a tornado is the first thing he notices. The second thing he notices is a Level 6 droid flying into the walls of the arena, instantly crushed. Of course there is only one person who can cause that kind of damage.
He doesn't even need to look over, as she spins into view. Two bots follow her. He watches one get too close, and it slingshots into the wall, instantly exploding.
She stops spinning and casually walks out of the arena.
"Nora? What the hell was that?!"
"You don't like it, Fearless Leader?"
"No! It's awesome! I just hope you aren't too dizzy from all that spinning."
"Oh I don't get dizzy!"
"Really? How?"
"Not telling!"
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"I suspect it is because she has gone through so many sugar highs she can never get dizzy again."
"Uh….. What time is it?"
"9:00 AM."
Only 9 AM? There's still over half the day left!
Too bad there are classes today… *sigh*
He's already missed the history class… but is that really a bad thing? It is Dr. Oobleck, after all…
Jaune quickly decides to stop caring about that class. Because it is just that. History. The past, not the now. Imagine going out to fight Grimm. What is he gonna do, pose as a psychic and tell about their past so accurately that they back away in horror and quit the fight? Yeah right.
The next class is the all-important Dust class. It's been fun the past few times, so there's no reason it can't be again, right? And now he can actually try some of the tricks that the teacher does! It's only 30 minutes away too.
Jaune, Nora, and Yatsu split up and do their own things for a while, with Jaune "deciding" to recuperate from the earlier training session for the time being. By the time he is fully rested up, it's already almost time for the class, so he has no choice but to walk down to the class and continue the day.
10/10 writing once again.
He sits down in his seat and looks up at the board, waiting for the teacher to start on her usual spiel about Dust. But she does not. She's staring at him.
"Jaune Arc! I heard through the grapevine that you have a new weapon. Would you like to show it off to the class?"
Not really, but he doesn't have a choice, so he walks up to the front, weapon in hand. It still has marks from earlier.
"Alright. Now I will come up with something for you to do to test your skill. Hand me your weapon." He does so.
She seems to X-Ray through it with her mind, trying to find out as much as possible about this new mechanical device. After many turns through her hands, she hands it back to him. She then gets a special bowl, some rocks, and a bag of fire dust. He and many other students watch as she throws the rocks in the container, and uses the fire dust to set it ablaze.
None of them get the time to watch the fire burn before the teacher delegates her task.
"Cover the lava up with rocks. I know you have Earth dust in that weapon."
A bit on the spot, but nothing Jaune can't do, right?
He sets the switch, aims it over the lava, and begins to fire. The lava gradually gets covered up with the fresh earth. It's a small container, so it doesn't take too much to cover it all up.
"Forgetting something?"
It takes him a second to realize that, thanks to the fire dust, that lava is still hot, and that new earth will just join its brothers and sisters in temperature in just a few minutes. Unless he does something quick!
He shoots some ice dust out to cover the earth up. A mere dusting is all it takes to stop the reaction, and keep the lava covered.
"See? You must always consider the environment around you before shooting dust patterns willy nilly. Great work Jaune! You may return to your seat now. I won't even throw the book down on your desk this time."
In the teacher's hand is said book, which looks twice as thick as the last one. The sound that would have made if it slammed on a desk…
Jaune gracefully takes the book and sits back down. The rest of the class goes by as it usually does, with multiple pages of notes once again written on the paper. The bell rings, and Jaune is back on break. But what to do?
Why not try 'ol reliable, Grimm Wars 2? That's the most surefire way to pass the time on all of Remnant. And Jaune takes advantage. This time choosing a more Dust-capable weapon, he runs around killing off Grimm in the deserts of Vacuo. The Dust even enhances his trick shot capabilities too.
He throws a bag of highly-concentrated fire dust straight into a field of Grimm. They don't see him throw it, so they stay in the area. A nearby tree has a rock placed on top. What does he do with this rock? Well, he just pushes it off, then quickly sprays a line of ice dust straight toward the bag. Those Grimm can't run away in time, and a massive explosion vaporizes them all. Over-complicated and wasteful? Yes. But also extremely cool as well? You bet.
Before Jaune knows it, the clock strikes 12:30, and it is time to get lunch. Today is steak day, and there is no way he is going to miss out on that. Since there is nothing that needs any weaponry until the sparring classes, he leaves it in the dorm.
Despite getting there early, the lunch line is still pretty long. But the steak is worth it. It has exquisite flavor and texture, combined with the perfect level of color, and the sizzling of the grill it is made on all meshes together and gets everyone's mouth watering, including Jaune's.
At the end of this long wait, the steak is placed on the tray, along with some corn and mashed potatoes on the side. But those two are just secondary to the main event. Jaune sits down and digs right in.
Holy shit that steak is good. It doesn't even need steak sauce. He looks around to the usual suspects nearby to see what they are eating. Nora is eating… nothing? Not even any pancakes? Hmmm…
But his eyes magnetize to what Yatsu is eating. A brown patty sits on top of one of the brightest circles that he has ever seen. This circle is made up of several foods, dominated by the white strings of what looks like cheese, and the occasional area of red, made up of salsa and some mysterious slices of something that Jaune can't even begin to figure out. One thing's for sure, though, it really does stand out.
He tries to focus his gaze on the succulent steak in front of him for the rest of this lunch, but now his mind is thinking about just what that was on Yatsu's plate. It was possibly the oddest thing he's ever seen…
*bump*
Jaune looks up and sees Yatsu's plate bumped next to his, with 1/8 of the dish remaining. He takes his spoon and tries some. What a surprise! This food isn't really that bad…
"It tastes good, does it not?"
"Actually… yeah it does!"
"Good. Now you are going to cook for me today after class."
"Wh- Hey! I don-"
"You're cooking something? Is it pancakes?!"
"...*sigh* No, I'm not cooking pancakes."
Nora deflates, but only slightly.
"So you will be cooking something for me then?"
Yatsuhashi, you clever little son of a-
"…...Fine."
"See how easy it is when you just let it happen?"
Jaune forces himself to focus on the bits of steak that are left. Besides, he's got the turkey to do! Now's a good a time as any to try, right? Especially with another expert around…
The lunch rolls along to a close, and the trays are sent up to the mysterious dish-washing crew.
And now the rest of the day begins. The few classes he has left are completely uneventful. They don't have the cool factor of the Dust classes, the always fun to watch fighting of sparring class, or even the sleep-inducing effects of Dr. Oobleck. The hours pass, and Jaune merely floats throughout the school.
Sparring class is now up, and Jaune sits in his usual spot. Everyone filters in, and Glynda calls attention to the class the instant the bell finishes ringing. She wastes no time in calling out the first two names, seemingly already having them decided.
"Fox Alistair and Sky Lark"
Those two choices sure are not flashy. But could it be a good fight regardless?
No. It's an absolute snoozefest. So boring I couldn't even watch it to summarize for you. Clearly the other students are thinking the same, as they whisper amongst themselves for a while. What are they whispering about? No one can tell, but it sure is a big topic of discussion, as this goes on throughout the entire 30 minute long affair.
30 minutes? I doubt something like that would even be possible with how nimble these students are in Beacon. Unless we got two absolute tank OC's to fight.
The fight finally ends when Sky's aura goes into the red, giving Fox the victory. Trench warfare was more entertaining. Glynda seems to disagree however, as she remains as stoic as ever, with not a single whisper of boredom showing on her face. Who's gonna be in the next fight?
"Blake Belladonna and Cardin Winchester."
Joy… ugggggggggggggggggggg-
4th wall breaks galore! I was really having fun with this one, as you can tell. Also, a faunus vs. the guy who absolutely hates faunus is not the right fight to declare as boring. It would actually be kinda interesting, especially with the shadow clones.
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One timeskip later…
The bell rings, and everyone rushes out of the sparring class. It was one of the least fun classes that anyone has ever seen. Jaune is no exception, walking away at a very brisk pace, on his way back to the communal kitchen. As he approaches he hears what sounds like bags being shuffled around. Who could be in there already? He has an idea...
He gently opens the door.
"Yats-"
Jaune's eyes go wide as he sees the turkey, breading, and every single spice laid out on a large counter.
"Well? It is your turn now, chef."
"H-h-how did you-"
"Oh… I have my ways…"
Jaune knows he's not getting anything more, so he just walks up to the counter and begins preparing.
His mind begins to get tunnel-vision again as he goes through all the spices, deciding which ones to use and which ones not. Definitely not the cloves, yes to the parsley, hell yes to some poultry seasoning…
The counter is a mess of containers, but it all eventually peters out, leaving Jaune with a nice stuffing, ready to be shoved in some turkey.
Yatsu takes one singular bite, and immediately his face lights up.
"Very good. You sure know how to spice things up."
"Glad the years of having to cook is paying off…"
He opens up the turkey and begins preparing it for its filling. Yatsu decides to weigh in with a story.
"You know, I once heard of a guy who took a turkey to the beach with him on a vacation."
"What?! No."
"It is true. He even lathered it in sunscreen."
"I refuse to believe that."
"The person I talked to said he saw it happen. He also apparently always buys it as the first item during a grocery trip."
"How do you even know that?"
Jaune's focus is moving away from the stuffing at these insane propositions.
"I suppose the guy was a friend of his? I don't really know for sure."
"...I don't understand."
"Some people are just like that. He had one thing right, which was that turkey is a food that is often stuffed."
"...I guess the turkey addict was right on that one."
Jaune focuses back on the finishing up the stuffing after that interesting conversation. After a while of messing around, some butter is put on top of the turkey, and it goes in the oven for many, many hours of being blasted with heat.
The whole turkey bit was a reference to one of my favorite stupid game show moments ever, where on the UK version of Family Feud (Family Fortunes) a guy came up and said turkey for the first three questions. You all should look that up.
Now with many hours to kill, Jaune and Yatsu talk about all things cooking.
Recipes are exchanged, and pictures of some of the most mouth-watering food on Remnant are cycled through, but the talk eventually ends. There's still two hours left on the oven.
"That was really fun. I am going to go to the gardens for a while. Keep watch over the food."
"I will."
Yatsu walks out. Jaune takes a look at the turkey, and yep, it is a turkey. And it sure does look enticing. But even he can not spend the next two hours just watching a turkey.
His mind goes to work finding something good to cook with the stuffed turkey. Cabinets get rummaged through, refrigerators are opened, cold food gets thrown out of chest freezers, and bags of yeast are forcibly separated from their families. After almost an hour of desperate searching through every single corner of the kitchen, he finally settles on just one extra dish:
Bread rolls.
He quickly gets the dough mixture in a bowl, and with the help of just a pinch of Dust, gets it to raise several inches, filling the entire bowl up to the rim. One display of expert knifework later, it's all cut up into perfect circles.
It gets thrown in the oven right next to the turkey. By now, said turkey is beginning to emit a very powerful aroma. And damn, is that aroma pleasing…
After a few minutes a familiar huntress bursts into the kitchen.
"It's not done yet!"
"It isn't? It sure smelled done!"
"How could you smell it from all the way over at the dorm?"
"My nose is like a bloodhound! How else do you think I know wherever there are pancakes afoot!"
Well when she puts it like that…
"You got me there. But it's still not done."
Nora leaves, clearly disappointed. But there's nothing that can be done. And besides, she'll be back.
The turkey is getting browner and browner, and is taken out a couple of minutes early. He gets out a meat thermometer and sticks it deep inside the turkey, making sure it is a perfect 165(degree symbol) inside.
The thermometer says…
165.0 F
"Yes!" Jaune shuts the oven off, satisfied with his culinary creation.
But now, the million dollar question. Does it taste good?
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And here is where I just couldn't do it anymore. Of course the turkey tasted good.
And here is where this adventure finally ends! The first part of this fic especially hopefully gave you tons and tons of joyous laughter in its stupidity. The second part, not so much. But, I hope it was a worthy read despite.
It's really interesting, though. I've got almost 400 followers as of now for the remaster of this. (thanks all of you, by the way) And this is the base for it all.
That's all Signed off in Blonde is, it's this fic, but the serious part of my brain got to write from the very beginning, instead of the crack part having free reign. Just how much the remaster will take from this, especially the better-written second half, I haven't really hashed out quite yet. Go read that fic, by the way, if you haven't. The writing is better than anything in here in every possible way, despite being not that far along in the journey.
Was this a good enough bonus for not being able to write for shit recently? I hope it is. Even if it spoils the plot a little. But hey, that's why it's in a separate fic. I warned you at the start, so I better not see no complaints. Maybe Chapter 9 will come faster to me.
I really want to hear what you think about this. Please write a meaty, long review telling me all about how bad or good this is. I absolutely love seeing what other people think about a fanfic, almost as much as reading/creating it myself. See you on the other side!
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This is going to make sense to nobody except myself, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Extreme Hacks in the SM64 community are designed to push the player to their absolute limit, using sequences of movement that would be nearly impossible for a casual player of the game to perform. Obviously the main goal is to be hard.
Some hacks choose to make the player perform first-frame wallkicks, quicksand-ledge-grabs, and crazy slope challenges that serve more as annoying than hard. One great example of this is SM64: The Black Virus. Made by a guy from Chile, the designs are very, very simplistic. The later levels are essentially impossible, with those horrible challenges mentioned earlier spammed to make levels that are huge, but also empty of substance. Not fun to play.
On a different end, some hacks use a more diverse set of tricks, such as cross-overs, arches, narrow lava tunnels, extensive wallkick chains, lavabouncing challenges, and some other tricks that make for a much more interesting hack to play.
Super Mario Treasure World: Dream Edition is one of those. Made by a Japanese man, this hack is just as hard as Black Virus. But instead of repetition and challenges just for the sake of being hard, this one introduces challenges, making them harder and more punishing the further one goes. While it is very hard like the others, there was care put into the level designs. Everything has a place, a reason to exist.
Pretty much nobody likes Black Virus, but there are a group of people who like Dream Edition, like how the challenges scale up.
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Brinkmanship is Black Virus.
Signed off in Blonde is Dream Edition.
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Started: Late January 2021
Abandonded: March 11
