Set season 12 for the images in your head, enjoy.
Olivia Benson was a mom.
It was one of the best things to say out loud. For years he had watched her, he had watched as Eli was born, he had watched as she was turned down for adoption. He had watched as boyfriend never lasted. He had watched as Calvin was ripped from her arms.
But now she was a mother.
The pregnancy was a shock to everyone, she was in her early 40's now so becoming pregnant was a bit more shocking to her. Olivia had never crossed him as someone who wouldn't use pre cautions, in fact he's pretty sure they had conversations where she would mention 'I need to pick up my prescription on the way home.'
But even so it was a shocker, the father of the baby was unknown to him and he was pretty sure it was unknown to everyone. She wasn't dating anyone, not that he knew of but at the same time she could've been dating someone for a while and failed to tell him.
Not that it was her business to tell him or anything.
But nevertheless she was here, with her beautiful healthy baby girl sitting in her arms. Alex and Melinda were both present during the birth, one holding each hand. The moment that she stopped pushing Olivia had pushed Melinda out of the room to get Elliot.
They had exchanged some small words and she let Elliot hold her. The rest of the day was filled with brief meetings of the baby with all their colleges. Eventually everyone went home, Melinda stayed the longest but Olivia pushed her out to go home and see her daughter. Leaving Elliot there, but everyone knew he wasn't going to leave.
He could tell that she was exhausted, but she didn't want to put her daughter down. Elliot wanted to laugh because he could remember these days, the days where Kathy would barley put the babies down long enough to use the bathroom, so afraid that if they let go just for a second that they would be gone.
Kathy.
The calls would be coming in soon, she went into labor while Elliot was at work, now it was later at night but he was still here.
He wasn't going anywhere.
Almost on cue his phone started to vibrate in his pocket, Olivia was so focused on her daughter that she didn't notice the buzzing. He pulled his phone from his jean pocket and peeked at the name on the screen, it was in fact Kathy. It was a text.
'Work?'
It was simple. She stopped asking details years ago, she stopped asking who he was with or when he would be home. She would send that text, he would say yes and that would be it. She didn't touch him anymore and he didn't touch her. Sometimes in the mornings he would hear her early in the showers, sometimes he would go in and help her. But as far as any sort of intimate contact it was gone.
Intimacy.
Love.
Gone.
All of his love was for someone else now.
He responded, 'Yes.'
She read it, but she didn't send any type of response. Once he put his phone back in his pocket he noticed Olivia was looking at him, her daughter had fallen asleep in her arms and her eyelids were heavy as well. "Hey." He whispered and stood. "Doing alright?" He asked in the same soft and gentle voice as he walked to the right side of her bed.
"Yeah, except I have to pee." Elliot laughed some as he nodded, "I'll help you, let me take her." Elliot leaned down and gently took Lily from her. "Hi." He whispered and carried her to the small crib that sat on the other side of Olivia's bed. He laid down her swaddled body in the crib and traced her cheek.
She had Olivia's big brown eyes and a small patch of her brown hair on the top of her little head. He turned to Olivia then who was pushing herself to sit up in her bed and he walked over quickly to help her up. "There." His arm wrapped around her waist as he helped her stand on her feet. She guttered out a loud groan and he held most of her body weight up.
"Small steps okay?"
She nodded and her arm wrapped tightly around his waist as well as he helped her to the bathroom slowly. Once they made it in she winced and gripped the bar beside the toilet. "I uh, I can't." She muttered and he knew that she was embarrassed that she couldn't do this on her own. "It's okay."
His voice was soft, it was gentle. Reserved for her. "Here's what we're gonna do, I'm gonna pull the gown up and help you sit and then I'll wait out there. Call me back in and I'll help you up, alright?" Olivia nodded and he leaned over pulling the gown up but he kept his eyes forward, he didn't want her to think he was staring at her.
She held onto his arms and he lowered her down onto the toilet. She grunted as she squeezed his arms as she sat down. "Alright, you just let me know when you're done." He walked out of the room until Olivia called him back in. "I think I can..." She held onto the bar from the toilet and started to push herself up. Elliot rushed over and took her arm but she made it up on her own.
If there was one thing Olivia didn't like that was accepting help from anyone, she had always had a problem with that. "I'm fine El, I have to move on my own at some point." She held onto his arm anyway as he walked with her back to her bed.
Once she was settled sitting up in her bed she played with the end of her blanket. "Can I ask you something?"
Elliot took a seat back in his chair and shrugged, "Shoot." Olivia kept her eyes focused on picking the threads of her blanket. "A few years back, when I went to Oregon...you ever call or ask about me?"
The look on his face was in pure disbelief she didn't look at him to notice. They didn't talk much about Oregon, a few mentions of it here and there but they eventually both just moved on from it. They were partners again and everyone went on with their lives.
"Olivia of course I did. The moment I noticed something was up was when I called your disconnected phone number and I wouldn't leave Cragen alone about it. I drove past your apartment every single night for an entire month trying to see if for some reason you would have returned. I bugged Casey, Cragen, Fin and at one point I was even up Huang's ass too. I thought about you all the time." He told her, but she still wasn't looking at him.
"But Dani-"
"Was a distraction. She got my mind off of you for a while, but I never gave up on my thought of you coming back. It was nice to not think about you all the time but let me tell you something Liv, she may have been a distraction, but she wasn't you."
She looked up at him then but she was quiet and so was he, it was often in these moments. The sprouts of silence that they communicated more than they did with words. Their eyes would connect and that would be it, just like they were now. "You know you never told me why you left."
Now it was her turn to have that look of pure disbelief on her face, "I told you we needed a change." He knew that she would try and pull that. That was the excuse she gave him when she left for computer crimes, standing in that locker room he still kicks himself for not kissing her that day.
He still wonders why he didn't drop his pride act and beg her to stay.
She still wonders why he never asked her to stay.
"That's what you told me when you left for computer crimes Liv, I'm asking why you left for Oregon. Without telling me. Again." His voice is stern, and he doesn't want to be this way, she's sitting in a hospital bed, she's exhausted. She's just given birth that morning and he should shut up, should leave her alone. He shouldn't be doing this.
This voice shouldn't be what he carries.
But he can tell that she understands, she's quiet for a while before she finally comes up with a response. "I didn't want to at first, but it gave me an opportunity. I was dealing with someone, something," She corrects herself quickly before continuing, "I needed space, I needed to breathe. It wasn't you, it wasn't anyone in particular it was me. I just needed some space to deal with it, and then I ended up getting very personal with the assignment and so I kept staying. It was never personal, it was never forever."
"So did you?"
"Did I what?"
"Deal with it?" He watches as her shoulders shrug, her fingers are still messing with the end of that blanket and she's practically tearing it to shreds but it's giving her a reason not to look at him. "Somewhat, I mean the space was nice but it just made me realize that it was never going to go away."
Olivia slept for a few hours, once she woke she fed Lily and ate her dinner. Now she was sitting up in her bed watching the tv. The nurse pulled in a cot for Elliot now that it was getting late and he made it clear he wasn't leaving, he was laying on the cot with Lily laying on his chest sleeping.
"I don't know how I'm going to do this."
Her voice sounded and he rose a brow looking over at her. "Do what?"
"This, do this. Take her home from the hospital, do it all alone. I don't know anything, I don't know when she cries if she's hungry or if she needs her diaper changed. I don't know what to do if she gets a cold or-or how to help her learn to walk or talk or-" She was close to tears now and Elliot was up on his feet, "I don't want to do this alone."
Elliot got up slowly trying not to wake Lily once she was laying down in her crib he walked to her side and took her hand, "You're not alone Liv, there's me and Cragen, Fin, Munch and Alex. There's Melinda we're all here Liv, you are never alone."
"It's not just that Elliot, it's everything. It's the fact that I don't want to raise this baby alone, I want to be able to wake up next to somebody in the morning. I want someone to tell my I'm beautiful even when my hair is a mess and I don't have any makeup on. I want our kids to run in and wake us up by jumping on us in the mornings. I want to have a family." She was sobbing now and all Elliot could do was cup her cheek.
"You can Olivia, you can have all of that."
"How?" She sobbed.
Elliot took his chance then, he leaned in and pressed a short kiss on her lips. It startled her but she didn't move away, once he was sure that she was comfortable he leaned in and he kissed her again. This one was longer, a full kiss, her lips were moving with his and he couldn't believe this was happening.
She pulled away seconds later, panting, "Oh my god." She pushed him away and her head turned away from him. "What are you doing Elliot." He stood up but his hand stayed on her cheek, "You don't have to be alone in this Olivia,"
The words, those three words were on the top of his tongue but he couldn't form them, he wanted to say them so bad. She was quiet, he didn't know what she was thinking, he didn't know what she wanted. "How long?"
He knew what she was asking, how long had he felt this way about her, his hand dropped from hers and he went to sit down in one of the empty chairs. "A while, I guess I finally noticed it after Gitano. When I thought I was gonna lose you, when we had that conversation in the hallway. I guess it was then." He looked up at her then and noticed that she was just staring forward like this had hit her like a dump truck.
"Did you really not know Liv?" He stood up again, approaching her slowly and taking her hand. She shrugged, maybe she was in denial like he was.
Maybe they could do this.
He was starting to lean in when the door busted open making both of them jump as a man walked in and Elliot dropped his hand. "Michael," Olivia whispered.
"Olivia."
Michael walked up to her side and took her hand, "I'm sorry that I wasn't here earlier. How is she is she okay?" Elliot watched as he backed away from the bed, this was the father, this was the guy that he assumed had walked out on her and her life. He wasn't sure what this meant but all he knew was the guy was here and was holding her hand.
He was assuming that she was looking around in search for him but he was already gone.
He had to get home to Kathy anyway.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
