Chapter XII
By the end of August, Joyce's world came back to the time before her wedding. It was the strangest thing, so much had happened, so much had truly changed and yet her days looked almost exactly the same as they did three months earlier.
Joy was once again in the golden Tuscan fields, not far from the very place where her engagement took place two months earlier. She was sitting on a blanket underneath a tree, under a blessed shade. Bacio was panting next to her, coming in and out of sleep. It was Joy's day off which she needed more than ever before. She worked a ton over the past two months, mostly trying to occupy her mind as well as her days. Her whole blanket was covered in paper, letters, newspapers and her own notes. Her very own book "A Hope for the Cloud" came out two weeks earlier and she was flooded with praising reviews from all over Italy, she couldn't be more proud of her own mind and its fruits. One of the letters she received on that day was from Lorenzo who a month earlier became a father to a baby girl, Allegra. Lorenzo suddenly became absolutely in love with his daughter and his mangled heart seemed to have recovered through her birth. Joy felt a sense of relief once she received a reply from Lorenzo to her very first letter to him in so many months. She could hear his merry tone through the writing and felt like she suddenly and unexpectedly regained a friend whom she truly missed. Although Lorenzo did mention thinking of enlisting in autumn and feeling a sense of duty for his Italia. After so many of such notions she had already received from her loved ones, she didn't feel surprised anymore, she hardly felt anything at all after reading those words in his handwriting and that almost scared her. Was this insanity truly becoming so natural and normal already? It terrified her, she didn't want the world to be normal when it was at war. She feared that when the war would one day be over ('because surely this must stop one day, God can't be this cruel' she wrote herself to Walter), then the world that followed, the one without the war, would become strange and unfamiliar to all of its inhabitants. When her mind started to spiral into such thoughts, she learned to immediately shake her head and start reading her other letters instead.
There was a letter from Luca's parents, who always wrote letters together and never separately. Joy did not have the pleasure of properly meeting them in person just yet (despite her exchange of just a few words with them at Lorenzo's wedding) due to her busy schedule and the fact that they live all the way in Positano. Their letters to her were lovely, however, they sounded like the kindest and calmest people in the world, very much like their son. Joy's newly gained sister-in-law, and weirdly enough Lorenzo's wife, Francesca, also started to write letters to Joyce. Joy felt uneasy writing to her, remembering her own pale face when she saw her at her wedding to Lorenzo, however, she couldn't help but feel an honest sympathy towards her for all of her words were full of nothing but sincerity and kindness. Although she did feel like she needed some more time before seeing both Lorenzo and Francesca in person.
Ken's letter was kept tightly in Joy's ink-stained hands. He was in England with Walter, however, they were not thrown into the trenches just yet and that made Joy breathe a bit more freely during that ghastly hot and sweaty August day. She could hear the heartbreak through Ken's writing in his response to the news on her marriage, his writing in the letter was careful and dutiful, not a rushed and chaotic writing he usually sent her. It seemed as if he threw out lots of pieces of paper before writing this particular letter to her. In the words he wrote down, he congratulated her, wished her all the best, however, he also insisted on her making sure each day that she knows where her true devotion lies, because if she realises it is not with Luca, she will be in "real, healthy and annoying trouble, my Joy". She didn't know what to think of his letter at all, only she was certain that he was hurt beyond any words he could ever write down. That knowledge made Joyce's heart fall apart completely and yet she knew that what happened cannot be undone and she herself still wasn't sure if she really would undo it if she had the ability to.
The closeness she shared with Luca for that one evening and night after their wedding worked like a healing balm on her tormented soul, for that day and night she could forget about the world and her own worries, and only focus on giving love to someone other than herself which felt so freeing, Joy did not dream of undoing her marriage to Luca on that day at all. However, once Luca departed for his journey into the war, following the Piper, Joy felt a void in her heart and mind once again and those feelings of uncertainty and worry overfilled her with greater capacity. Was that love for Luca or was that her acknowledging that he might not actually be the one for her, and yet they are now bound to spend the rest of their lives together?
The amount of work she had to complete and the heat of the Italian summer did not help her emotional confusion at all, however, both made her days filled with things to do from dawn to dusk. She could hardly believe it was almost September already.
Walter's letter was welcomed happily by Joy, it contained such love and contentment for his own bride, Una, that Joy almost envied him and his certain feelings. She was beyond happy to know that Una could be the one person to occupy his thoughts more than the war and the not so far off journey into the trenches. Walter's feelings were similar to Ken's in regards to Joy's marriage to Luca, however, unlike Ken, he advised Joy to take her time to think her feelings through. "After all," he wrote "The war will not end anytime soon, no matter how much we desire that outcome. Before the men come back home and will be realistically involved in such domestic lives, you can freely and slowly get to know your own thoughts and feelings about all of this.". Joy agreed with him, although reluctantly as she herself started to feel tired already of continuing this distress of hers.
She sighed deeply and put the letters on the side. She remembered her mother and father's telegram in response to her marriage, "Focus on finding happiness every single day for yourself." it said and it resonated with Joy profoundly. She realised she once again threw herself in her work and left her thoughts and feelings gathering dust, untouched and unresolved. She felt how her body felt fatigued, she felt nauseous for the last couple of weeks despite drinking litres of water to survive the Italian heat. Her stomach too began to give her trouble with bloating and therefore, she started to indefinitely refuse wearing corsets, even when going into her publisher's office…
Suddenly, Joyce's cheeks flushed with deep red and her pulse quickened unbelievably. Bacio panted and looked up at her in worry. "I…" Joy said outloud, unconsciously. She stood up hurriedly and started walking back and forth underneath the tree's shadow, Bacio gazing at her and following her every move. Joy put her hand on her forehead as if to calm herself which worked for a second until she screamed out in frustration and out of exhaustion "No! I can't be! No, no, no…" she kept on saying to herself and Bacio, as if she was delirious. Eventually and to Bacio's relief, she sat down in front of her faithful dog and took her head in her hands carefully. There were tears running down Joy's cheeks "I'm going to have a baby, Bacio." She breathed out and couldn't believe it herself when she heard her own voice "I'm going to have a baby." She repeated more convincingly now. Bacio instinctively stood up and put her head on Joy's shoulder so that she could embrace her closely, letting more tears fall onto her cheeks and into Bacio's black fur "I'm so afraid… I'm so afraid… Mama, help me!"
Joy was truly in depths of despair when she managed to reach hers and Gia's house with Bacio obediently protecting her from all sides. Joyce was panting, tears running down her cheeks like waterfalls, her face actually managed to match the colour of her hair, her green blouse was covered in water of all sorts and Joy seemed to be in a completely different world of her own.
When Gia saw the sister of her heart, she dropped the book she was reading onto the floor and ran to her rescue, literally thinking Joy was having a heart attack or that she received an awful, detestable telegram. Joy found her haven in Gia's arms for a while, she sobbed all her tears out while Gia stroked her hair and Bacio licked her cheek and hands. At last, her sobs started to cease, her hands stopped shaking and she regained the ability to speak human words once again. Joy took Gia's offered handkerchief and swiped her face with it delicately. "Oh, sweet Joy," Gia managed to say in her own shaky voice, feeling Joy's frustration deeply herself, and she put her hand on Joy's "-could you please tell me what happened so I can help you?"
Joy took a deep breath in and it seemed like her red face started to turn more pink now. She could finally use her lungs again and that on its own felt slightly more freeing in that moment. "When I was in the fields I realised that I haven't bled for the last two months." She managed to breathe out "And I have been nauseous for the last few weeks, I've been bloated constantly, feeling all sorts of tiredness and emotional confusion…" she shook her head in order to reject another wave of tears appearing in her grey eyes.
Gia covered her face with her hands in a perfect picture of disbelief "Joy, you're pregnant! Oh, mio Dio!" she breathed out herself.
Joy nodded decidedly "I'm quite certain, before you ask anything." she said seriously.
"Oh, I know you are." Gia replied and uncovered her face. Her eyes immediately went wondering towards Joyce's only slightly raised abdomen and then she glanced into Joy's turbulent face. "You look as if you've barely survived a storm at sea." she remarked.
Joy looked up at Gia and unexpectedly burst out laughing. Gia joined her, of course, Joy's laughter had always been known as contagious ever since she was born. A sense of relief covered the whole air in the room and Bacio started to wag her tail happily. 'It's alright' Joy thought to herself 'I will figure this out, I will make this work. I have Gia here, I have Alma, I have Luca's parents, Francesca and Lorenzo too. I have all those people here who can be there for me in one way or another and honestly, I have myself and what more can I possibly need?'
This lasted for only a bit of time, as this feeling of relief couldn't last forever. Joy turned quiet and sighed deeply again. Her eyes became greyer and her hands turned colder, searching for one another helplessly and nervously. "Gia, how can I be a mother?" she asked her friend straight in the eye, her piercing fear touching Gia's heart deeply.
"Joy, you will be a wonderful mother…" she started but Joy interrupted her.
"Please, none of this usual nonsense." she blurted out "I'm sorry, Gia. However, I truly need to know and I need to have a realistic conversation for once as I've lived in imaginary feelings, ideas and worlds for quite a long time now."
Gia sighed softly and squeezed Joy's hands in hers "Alright." she agreed with her in a kind voice "You didn't ask what kind of a mother you will be, rather how you can be a mother."
"Exactly." Joy nodded encouragingly and then her voice turned very quiet and still "How can I be a mother when my own mother is so far away? I've never really talked to her about any of this, or about marriage or anything of the sort! I always just assumed I'd be… well, by myself!" A few tears started to roll down her cheeks again "I think I can figure out how to be a wife and how to be in a marriage but this is entirely different. I'll be responsible for a human being, for a whole other person, I mean I will never have a moment alone again, I won't be able to think clearly again…"
"Not that you ever can anyway." Gia said cheekily and Joy chuckled for a second, playfully bumping her on the arm.
"Not that I can anyway, you're right." Joy agreed "It's just… How can I be a mama to a child the way my mother was a mama to me? Without my wonderful mama being here by my side?" she whispered out the last question as she tried her hardest to stop another wave of tears leaving her eyes.
Gia embraced Joy once again gently, stroking her hair slowly "I can't say I know how you feel because I really don't." she started "I can't tell you how to be a mama, I can't say how you should prepare yourself or how to raise a child. However, this isn't because I've never been in your shoes at this moment, and quite frankly it's because only you can figure it all out by yourself, with time and patience and with trust in the universe that whatever it sends your way is only supposed to be in one way or another a blessing in your life." Joy looked into Gia's face, holding onto her friend's hands tightly and Gia continued with a soft smile on her lips "I'll tell you what I do know. You're the most unique person I've ever met. The most courageous, adventurous and reliable. I know I can trust you with my life, I knew it the day I met you. You have such a fire in your soul, sometimes it gets too hot to burn out without a lot of effort, and although it may sting, it never burns your skin when you let someone else touch it." Joy's lips started to manoeuvre in the direction of a smile "Your mother is not here, you're right. However, it doesn't mean that she's not here," she pointed at the centre of Joy's chest "-or here," she pointed at Joy's head "-or that she can't write you long, long letters giving you advice and encouragement on your new path. And it is an exciting new path, Joy!" Gia touched Joy's tiny newly found oven "And I can promise you that you will be an absolutely amazing mama to this little one."
Joy's smile filled her face and a few last tears rolled down her freckled cheeks. She hadn't radiated this much hope since her wedding to Luca. She suddenly felt closer to him now than ever before, closer to Gia than ever before, closer to Canada and her own parents than she ever had. It was such an odd feeling, something so little and still invisible could make her feel so nervous, frightened and hopeful all at the same time. In that moment for the first time since her realisation at the fields, she reached down to touch her raised abdomen with a shaky hand that became still and strong once she felt the tiny bump beneath the fabric of her skirt. Something inside her stirred and shook for a little while until out of nowhere at all, she felt an unbelievable sense of peace, calmness and stillness. She could close her eyes and stay like that forever, she thought, it felt almost otherworldly. And what came to her mind was exactly what her mother would send to her in a telegram a few days later: "Maybe this is the great love that you have been searching for.".
