Summary: If he was honest, Tenzo had to admit that life as a shinobi had an effect on one's emotions that could be downright numbing. Gai isn't thinking about any of this too hard because as long as he has an opportunity to spend time with Tenzo, he is going to feel content. But there comes a time when even the best of intentions no longer have the strength to succeed.

Pairing: TenzoxGai

Author's Notes: Written for narutorarepairweek on tumblr: Tuesday (27): Protective Rage


Rain Words

It was one of those traditions that in the meanwhile were happening almost entirely on their own, a habit fuelled on by what felt like the lack of an alternative: Every New Year's Eve he found the chance to do so, Tenzo found himself staying awake through the night to watch the first sunrise of the New Year. It was a tradition many of his colleagues also participated in, already back when he had been in the ANBU, no, even further back during their academy days. So, copying this habit felt like the right thing to do. It was an attempt at normality, the hope that partaking in a tradition most people did would eventually gloss over the fact that even after all those years he had been out of the laboratory, he still felt like a stranger in his own village. A guest no one had invited and who was only allowed to stay for his usefulness. (What if he one day would stop being able to control Mokuton? What then? Yamato sometimes felt the fear bubble up).

But after the war his feelings connected to this harmless tradition had changed. He was still staying up during this specific night, but he was no longer sure why he was still doing it to begin with. The whole business with getting captured during the war made the little habits in his life suddenly feel so insignificant. So, what if once again a new year arrived? It would not erase the bad things of the old one and just bring new disappointments.

But then, all of this aside, at least this year he was able to spend the evening with a person he really liked: Gai would come over so they could spend the evening together. It seemed like the easiest thing to do for the occasion, given the two of them kind of avoided going out and being seen together. At least for now. (After all, some things needed time to properly get figured out and the gossip amongst their peers could be merciless. With a pang of claustrophobia Tenzo had to remember Kurenai and Asuma constantly earning invasive comments long before they had even done as much as officially admit they had been dating. Those two had gotten their collection of unwanted comments and now, where were they to be found? Nowhere, that's where.)

There was food, there was a silly but entertaining variety show on the TV, there was warmth shielding them from the snow outside. Not too bad a way to spend one's last day of the year, Tenzo thought, remembering the occasions he had been on duty on this day in past years.

The later it got the more tired Gai became. Which was sort of nice to be honest. A tired Gai did not protest too much if Tenzo got the idea that cuddling up together would be a good way to keep the cold away. Nor did he display too much of the restless energy that seemed to be such a fundamental part of his being, the kind of energy that would keep his body and mind moving.

Maybe the cold outside was slowing down even the things you sort of had started taking for granted.

The New Year singing competition was still playing on the TV and Tenzo guessed he himself had to be rather tired himself to say the following words: "Remember Yuiko? Pity she never got the chance to sing at this event."

For a moment Gai went tense, then only nodded in agreement once the words had sunken in.

It really had to be his tiredness that let Tenzo add: "I heard she had gotten an invitation to perform, a few years after she had left town. But then had to cancel it last minute, for some reason."

After this they both grew silent. No one mentioned the details connected to that one; they didn't need to. Yamanaka Yuiko, a former classmate who had dropped out of the shinobi academy for the sake of taking her chance of becoming a singer had successfully lived her dream for a few years. Then a bad fate rooted in her academy years had followed and found her. Everyone once having been her classmate had heard. So, no one mentioned the details of this one anymore. What would have been the use? Living as a shinobi, you got used to hear that people you had once shared a path with had dropped to the ground before they've gotten a chance to bloom into their fullest.

Not that you didn't care, but getting emotionally involved too much eventually would stop on its own. In fact, being able to spend time with each other on this New Year, both Tenzo and Gai had to consider to be a case of good luck: After all, no one knew how things would look next year around this time. Tenzo wished everything could just stay the way it was right now.

He blinked, trying to chase his dark thought away and concentrating at the singing competition on the TV instead. It was far too late for melancholic thought of this kind. Yes, better listen to the music while cuddling up closer to Gai some more.

Maybe something in Tenzo's inner workings of the mind had become broken though. The last conscious thought reaching his mind before falling asleep was that he would do what was in his power to ensure next New Year's Eve would be one he and Gai could spend together again. Tenzo would make sure, no matter what, he decided, a sharp pang of sudden anger twisting through his guts before his mind surrendered to exhaustion and went all blank. Even while already half asleep his hand used the last grasp of consciousness to grab Gai's, holding it firmly.

When the night passed and the sun rose both were still fast asleep, tangled up in a tight embrace. Winter was still very cold and light a sparse thing to be found.

Tenzo had no real explanation for it but ever since New Year's Eve part of his heart had insisted to stay numb. In the meanwhile when the sky turned into a dark gray and opened up, rain instead of snow would reach the ground. But he still felt as if a vital part of his emotions had stayed solid, unable to give a response, neither to him nor when interacting with the outside world. Even when the part of the outside world he was interacting with was Gai. Outside the most persistent rain kept falling and still Gai would give him the most radiant smiles. The only sign he had noticed Tenzo's lingering distress would be a concerned gleam behind his eyes that seemed to grow denser with every time they met.

Yet Tenzo still couldn't reach the part of his own soul that he had lost his grasp on. His disappointment in himself for failing to react grew into irritation, a sharp anger directed right at himself. Gai was making an effort and Tenzo couldn't even respond in kind, couldn't respond in the manner he had used to be able to, wished to be able to express again. Maybe that part of him had frozen solid for good in the cold winter night that in the meanwhile lay many weeks behind.

Today the clouds were heavy, hanging low in a manner that appeared oppressive, showing a color so dark it seemed to turn into liquid ink in some parts. A thunder roared in the distance and rain started falling, its thick drops angrily reaching the ground, the earth beneath him already soaking, muddy and wet. It was the kind of weather that would make it easier to use Mokuton in the days to come; trees needed water to grow after all. Tenzo looked up at the clouds, not bothering to look for shelter. He just stood there, unable to tear his gaze away. The sky looked as angry as he felt.

He didn't search for shelter either when the voice reached his ear, the voice that had grown so familiar to his ears. The only reaction he showed was to lower his gaze, as if the motion could cause for the ground to swallow him up, could make it so the rain would wash him away. The anger in him whispered those were the only options left that would make it so that Tenzo could still protect Gai. Could protect him from himself. The failed lab specimen possessing a stolen power no one had been asking to get back, the soldier who so shamefully had gotten captured and used by enemy forces. For once he should take matters into his own hands and act instead of only ever react. Here he was, only ever letting life happen to him instead of making decisions for himself. He should just embrace the rotten energy trying to take over his mind, he should, he should.

The rain was loudly pouring on the street and that was why Tenzo could not understand what Gai was saying to him, the sound of rain erasing all words spoken into a grey numbness. But the look on Gai's face told him enough. An unclouded expression full of love and worry that made Tenzo understand that as unbelievable as it seemed, he was not the unwanted one this time. Gai had come after him because he wanted him to stay.

Any doubt he might still have felt got erased by the embrace he found himself in only a moment later. Tenzo returned the hug, returned it even though moving in that forceful grip felt like an effort at first. The arms around him possessed the strength to crush the bones of enemies, to turn their flesh to shapeless pulp. But the hug that was holding him close possessed an energy that radiated nothing but love and concern and a restless rage Tenzo knew wasn't directed at him. Over them the clouds were still hanging low and dark, threatening to swallow them up into an indifferent oblivion. Gai tightened his grip on him, the words he was whispering into Tenzo's ear now clear and solid, easy to understand. Tenzo didn't even consider showing any resistance. If Gai was the source of life happening to him then maybe, then maybe Tenzo could learn to live with it.

The End