… 47 ... 48 ... 49… . .50! You let out a labored exhale as you collapsed onto the floor, muscles aching. You used to be able to pump out 100 like nothing, and now, it took you twice as long, and you could barely muster 50. This decided it. You were going to start training again. It unnerved you knowing you were this weak. You groaned as you slowly pulled yourself up from the ground, wincing slightly as your muscles pulled. You glanced down at your chest. Boob sweat. Nice. You reached over to the bench for your towel and began wiping yourself down.
They had left in the morning. You hadn't slept much, and after a restless slumber, you woke up and peered out of your window, to see a flurry of Scouts pouring out of the castle's main gate. Most of your morning had consisted of you curled up under your covers, desperately trying to return to sleep, so you wouldn't think about the expedition. Although, it quickly became evident it wouldn't work- being in your room doing absolutely nothing was a more tortuous task than you'd anticipated. After realizing that being alone with your thoughts wouldn't do, you began to pack your morning with anything and everything you could to pass the time. So far you'd updated the library catalog, dusted the shelves, helped the cooks clean the kitchen (a task that had earned you a small basket of fruits, which you graciously accepted.), and watered some plants. Hell, you'd even cleaned your room, the filthy mess it was. And now you'd just finished a workout. You looked at your watch. It'd been about two hours since you'd come into the training room. That should be good for today, you decided, so you gave yourself one last wipe down before shutting the door, and heading back to your room.
You needed a shower. You stunk, bad. As you entered your room, you marveled once again in how spacious the floor actually was when it wasn't covered in shit, and headed to the bathroom, removing your sticky sports bra and exercise shorts, and popping yourself into the cool water. They should be returning soon, you thought, as you scrubbed your scalp. Occupying yourself with busywork hadn't actually done much to calm your nerves, it only distracted you. All day you'd been thinking about them. How many of them would return? If any of them would return... You felt a lump rising in your throat as you clasped your hand over your lips to stop their trembling. You'd never been so emotional. Hange and Moblit had gone on plenty of expeditions, so why were all these fears resurfacing now? You shut off the water and stepped out of the shower to begin getting ready. It was probably because of Furlan. Your chest grew heavy as you replayed through your own memories. The last conversation I had with him reminded me so much of her… you slapped your cheeks. Stop projecting. It wasn't fair to Furlan or Marla, and it certainly wasn't doing your mental wellbeing any justice. You sighed, and returned your attention to getting ready. You didn't want to take too long, so you put your hair up as quickly as you could, threw on a simple sundress your mother had sewn for you ages ago, and headed out the door. You couldn't wait any longer, and they should be arriving back soon.
You decided to just wait at the top of the tower until you saw them entering Wall Rose. You'd done basically everything you could to pass the time at this point, so all there was left to do was to wait. You stepped up the narrow stairs, and popped into the area. Cold air immediately hit your face, and you shivered. I should've brought a jacket, you grimaced, rubbing your arms. You'd forgotten how cold it could get up there. You perched yourself onto the wall's edge and peered down below. Everything looked so small from up there.
Jump off.
You blinked, before slowly removing yourself from the edge. Let's not get into that right now. You stared mindlessly out into the city, until eventually, you noticed something. You stared out into the city. You couldn't see much, but at the very least from where you stood, you could make out a large group of people accumulated near the entrance. You twiddled your thumbs nervously together. It would be around half an hour before they made it back to the castle. So now you had to wait again. You groaned, and slumped your forehead into your palms. You almost wished you hadn't seen them enter the wall, because now your restlessness had increased tenfold. So you just stood there, eyes closed tightly shut, waiting. The wind brushed against your face. I wonder if the wind is whistling right now. After what seemed like years, you shot a glance over the wall. Your eyes widened. They were back. You shot up and bolted over the door and began running through the castle. All the pent up energy you'd accumulated throughout the day was bursting out of you as you rushed out to go wait by the main gate. You didn't want to actually talk to them, aside from Hange, most soldiers weren't very chatty upon their return, rightfully so. So you weren't entirely sure how you'd go about checking up on everyone without being annoying. Eventually, you settled on waiting by a pillar. When you spot Hange, you'd pull them from the crowd, and ask them how it went. So that's what you did. You hid yourself behind the tall stone pillar, peeking out from behind it. You squinted your eyes. You couldn't see them at all. Come on, where are they? You thought, chewing your lip pensively. You felt someone grab you from behind, and you jumped about a foot into the air, before quickly turning around. You were met with Hange grinning at you, and Moblit standing to their left, shooting you an apologetic look.
You shot a look back to the crowd, and then back to the, jaw dropped open."H-How did you-"
"You're not slick you know. Everyone could totally see you."
"I wasn't trying to- Well- "
You didn't know where you were going with that, so you clamped your mouth shut. You looked back at them, and you realized something. They were standing right in front of you. They weren't corpses left behind, or being carried on the wagon. There was no one else standing in front of you, telling you with an averted gaze that they didn't make it. They were right here. Tears began forming in your eyes.
"Oh dear! You're crying? What's been up with you recently? Are you going through puberty again?" they chuckled.
"Hange, don't tease her." Moblit scolded lightly, before turning back to you, and giving you a kind, but tired smile. He reached over and gently pat your head. "Don't worry, we're back."
You nodded, clenching your jaw tightly to prevent your entire face from trembling.
"Ah, you're just like a little kid." they smiled pulling you in for a hug. You weren't big on physical affection, but as they held you, you found yourself craving their touch, and furrowed yourself deeper into their embrace, closing your eyes. A strange warm feeling was blossoming in your chest. It was lovely.
Suddenly you felt another warm feeling in your body, but this wasn't the feeling of love. It was the feeling of embarrassment. That didn't take long. You'd come over blubbering like a baby, and had collapsed into their arms. They were probably tired from the expedition, and you were just giving them more to worry about. At once, you felt very uncomfortable. You slowly pulled yourself from their arms and stood, back straight, clearing your throat.
"Sorry. Maybe I am going through puberty again. That would explain a lot." you chuckled.
"Don't worry about it." they said gently. You nodded bashfully."How did it go?" you asked.
"Well, we did fine." they said, turning back to Moblit. "But the rain was really horrible. That, in combination with the new formations we weren't as familiar with, resulted in a lot of us getting seperated. We were fine, but I don't know about everyone else." they said, frowning.
"At the very least, we're all accounted for. No ones missing." Moblit chimed in.
"I see. Well, I'm glad you two are okay." you said, softly. "Really glad."
"We could tell." they teased. You shot them an annoyed look, and cleared your throat.
"By the way, have you seen Levi's squad at all?" you asked, turning to face Moblit. He looked up, thinking.
"I haven't. Because we got separated, we ended up turning back at different times. I think we were the last group." He said, with a shrug. "But they should be back in their barracks at this point, if you want to go check up on them."
You fiddled with your dress, and shot your eyes down to your feet. You were finally about to find out what happened to them. It was strange. As much as you wanted to rush over and check on them, the ever looming possibility of some of them not being there also made you want to lock yourself away in your room and never come out. But you were going to have to find out eventually, and waiting if you waited any longer you might die from the stress.
"Thank you, Moblit."
"Mhm."
You said your goodbyes and thank yous to the two of them, and headed to the barracks. Once you reached the entrance gate, you stopped. The anxiety brewing in your chest left your skin feeling prickly. You clenched your fists. You can do this.
You took a deep breath and began a skittish walk to the barracks, until you found yourself at their room, your hand hovering over the door, preparing to knock. But your hand never moved. You stood frozen, the world still around you, all while your mind was screaming at you to take action. You felt a tap on your shoulder, abruptly pulling you from your trance, and you whipped your head back. Levi stood behind you, eyes downcast and sullen. Upon seeing his expression, you felt your nerves go through the roof. He's alone, you noted. No, no, that doesn't mean anything. They might still be at the stables. Isabel really loved that horse. During your writing lessons, she'd often get distracted, and ever since she was assigned that horse, it's all she would talk about, gushing about the animal until you gently reminded her why she was with you. You swallowed, before mustering out something to say.
"H-how did the expedition go? I heard you guys got separated."
He said nothing. His silence brought an inescapable feeling of dread washing over your body. You hadn't wanted to ask this right from get go. But you couldn't keep it in.
"Where are Isabel and Furlan?" you asked, quietly. He flicked his gaze back to look at you, eyes widening, before casting his eyes back down to the floor.
Your heart dropped to the pit of your stomach. You knew exactly what that look meant. You'd seen it countless times. You took a shaking breath, and tears began dripping out of your eyes. They'd died out there. And they'd died in the most horrendous way possible. They had so much life in them, and it had been torn away. Their last moments had been filled with absolute terror. You brought your hands to cover your face. You thought you could prepare yourself mentally for bad news. How naive. Isabel was so young, and she had barely set out to see the world. Furlan, he definitely had feelings for you. It was something you chose to ignore because you weren't sure how to deal with it. But, could you have been happy together? Could you have really loved each other? Were all your potential lovers simply doomed to die? These questions felt all too familiar.
But you were not the one hurting the most right now.
You slowly pulled your face from your hands to look at Levi. He looked devastated. His jaw was clenched stiffly shut, eyes dead set on his shoes, He couldn't meet your eye. Your heart ached at the sight, but you couldn't think of anything you could do to help him. Nothing you could say could alleviate the pain, and even if it could, you didn't know that you had the strength in you to say it. You swallowed down the lump in your throat, and finally said something.
"Levi, I am so sorry." you murmured.
You reached out your arms, and pulled him into your chest. Maybe you should've asked first, but you didn't know if you could successfully get any words out without beginning to cry. So you just held him in your arms. You held your breath. He felt stiff, but eventually, you felt him relax in your arms, and you let out a quivering breath as you exhaled. Your eyes widened as you felt his arms slowly reach up behind your back, returning the embrace.
The two of you held each other. Your shaky breaths had turned into a torrent of quiet sobs as you held him in your arms. Your mind raced over what you could've done to prevent this outcome, but you came up with nothing. You thought reaching this conclusion would provide you with some sense of acceptance, but it only deepened the sorrow in your heart. There was absolutely nothing you could've done to prevent this, and that was the most frustrating thing in the world. How ironic, you'd reached out to comfort him, but you were the only one crying. After a while, you felt something land on your head, but you dismissed it. But then you felt another, then another, so you decided to pull away and look up at the sky. It was raining again. Fucking great.
"What the hell is up with the weather today?" you sniffled. "It's totally erratic." you said, looking back down to meet his eyes. They looked glassy now, but you decided not to bring it up. He didn't say anything. Maybe he just wanted to be left by himself, you would definitely understand if he did. But before you left him on his own, you wanted to reach out one last time. Maybe some company would comfort him before he returned to his room, alone. Should I offer him some tea? You shivered, rubbing your arms. It was freezing. Might as well try it.
"W-would you want to grab some tea before you went to sleep?"
"Hold on."
You raised your brow as he walked into his room, shutting the door in your face, and he soon came out, throwing something at you. You flinched as you aimlessly grabbed at the air, to catch whatever he threw at you, and you realized it was a piece of clothing, you held it up, and sawit was the same jacket he'd been wearing the first time you'd met. You gave him a confused look.
"A thin sundress doesn't do much for the rain."
"Ah, I suppose you're right." you said, shimmying your arms into the sleeves. Wasn't quite your size, but it'd do.
"Thank you."
"Mhm."
The two of you began walking over to the castle in silence. Thankfully, but not unsurprisingly, there were no annoying guards to pester you on your way there. The heaviness and guilt in your heart hadn't wavered, but you'd gotten out all your tears, or at least the tears you were willing to spill in front of other people. You soon arrived in the kitchen, and you immediately set to make the tea. Usually the silence would be unbearable, but both of you had far too much on your mind to even notice. Besides, you hadn't invited him to chat, you only wanted to keep him from being alone for the rest of the evening. You filled the pot with water, placed it on the stove and sat down next to Levi at the table. You were staring out blankly into the air in front of you until you felt him tap on your shoulder, and you turned to his lips.
"How do you deal with this?"
You stopped for a moment to think about how to answer. You probably weren't the person to ask.
"As I think you noticed a couple days ago, not in the best ways."
"...How aren't you angry?"
"I was, I-I mean, I still am, to be honest. The only thing that really changed is that I grew tired...It's tiring being so angry every single day, " you paused. "I don't know if I told you this, or maybe Hange mentioned it, the blabbermouth they are, but during my recovery days, I was very rowdy… I feel so bad for those poor nurses. I had multiple broken ribs, some internal bleeding in my stomach, and to top it all off, I couldn't hear a thing, but every day, I still tried to sneak out of the hospital, I hated being confined to bed." you explained, fiddling your fingers together. "This sort of behavior only grew when they told me that more likely than not I wouldn't be able to serve. I felt like I had to prove my competence to them, so I was sneaking off to the training fields at night. Eventually, they had to restrain me to my bed."
"Doesn't sound like you."
"I've changed quite a bit since then, probably for the better. But anyways, about your question, eventually, I realized that my anger had no real direction. I was mad at myself, for not being quick enough. I was mad at Marla, for not listening to our Captain's orders, I was mad at my Captain, for picking us to go back and kill that crazy abnormal, and I was mad at the titans. I even attacked Hange at one point. I quickly lost, considering it took all I had to stand properly." you said, feeling your face heating up at the memory. "But there was nothing I could do. So eventually my anger waned off, and was replaced with self loathing."
You stopped to think, staring mindlessly at your hands, folded neatly on your lap.
"But it's still there, I know that much… but you know, it's not all bad. I've realized that since then the only thing I can do is grow for the better. I only slip when I allow myself to, and that's fine as long as I can recover the next day.. And I still have people that care about me." you noted. The faces of Hange and Moblit flashed through your mind. "...And the ones that are no longer here to care for me, I have to act right for them. I don't want them to be disappointed or sad as they look down on me. I have to live on properly for them."
You felt the tears welling up in your eyes, and the heavy feeling in your chest reappeared.
"I-I don't know if any of that was helpful...but that's my experience with it."
You looked back to face him. He looked at you with distant eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he did, his eyes flicked over to the stove behind you, and he shut his mouth, pointed a finger at it.
"It's boiling."
"O-oh okay. I'll get that." you said, leaping off from your seat to the stove. You set it down on the counter to allow it to cool, and opened the cabinet, reaching in for the tea cans.
"Green or black?"
"Green, please."
You nodded, and set some cups out to steep, before placing yourself back on the seat next to him.
"I'm going to continue on the expeditions."
You nodded.
"I don't know what's in store for me in the future, but I've decided on one thing. I'm not going to live the rest of my life in regret of this decision." He swallowed, clasping his hands tightly in front of him. "I'm going to live on, dedicating my whole life to this cause."
You stared at him. What he was saying sounded noble, but you couldn't help but be worried. It somehow seemed like a self destructive mindset. You took a long sip from your tea, and stared down into the glistening liquid. You were scared. You'd told him that things got better, but how much of that did you actually believe yourself? It took every ounce of your power not to burst into tears where you sat and cry for hours. You felt a lump in your throat, and swallowed.
"It's most important to live for yourself. Just remember that." you said, softly.
"You too."
"Huh?"
"You shouldn't be happy just because of the wishes of others. You should be happy because you are."
You blinked at him, before staring back into your mug.
"I guess I was being sort of hypocritical, huh?"
The two of you sat there in silence for a while, slowly sipping away at your tea, until eventually, your cups were empty. You reached into your pocket for your watch. It was late now. You turned back to face him.
"We should probably get out of here." you said, pulling yourself up from the chair. You reached out your hand. "I'll take your cup." you offered. He took one last, long sip before placing the cup in your hand, and getting himself up. You placed them gingerly in the sink, and the two of you left the kitchen. You walked in silence down the hallway, until you reached the point where you had to separate.
"Well, I need to get going." you said. He didn't say anything in response. You chewed your lip, unsure if you should say more, or just leave. Eventually, you placed your hand on his shoulder, giving him a weary smile.
"Get some rest, Levi." you told him.
"Thank you for talking with me."
"Of course."
You began walking in the opposite direction, back to your room. As you pulled open the entrance to the next hallway, you shot a glance behind your shoulder. He was gone. You continued through the castle to your room. You closed your door delicately behind you, and just stood there for a moment. It was silent. Well, it always was, for the most part, aside from the slight ringing that existed in your ears, and the dull hum that you could sometimes pick up if someone spoke to you. But this felt different. A strange quietness overcame you, the world around you seemingly stagnant. It sent a strange prickling feeling that ran all the way up from your toes to the back of your neck and made you shudder.
You slowly walked over to your bed, and shimmied yourself into the covers. The tears you'd been holding in almost immediately came pouring down your cheeks. But these tears were different than the thousands you'd shed before. They weren't tears of anger, or of guilt, all you felt was genuine sorrow. And it was the most painful thing you'd ever experienced. All of the emotion you'd repressed over the last year came spilling out all at once. You didn't just cry for Isabel and Furlan, but for Marla as well. It was like she'd died all over again, but this time, you didn't have any anger or resentment left to disguise it. You let out a torrent of choked sobs, and you shoved your messy face into your pillow, a vain attempt to contain it all. The heavy feeling in your chest felt like it would never go away, all you could do was cry.
Eventually, you stood up to grab some tissue to wipe the sticky snot and hot tears from your face. As you were about to get back in bed, tears already rolling down your cheeks, you gazed out into the dark night from your window. The sky was clear of clouds, the bright moon illuminating the night. Its soft light entered your room, giving everything a slight glow. Waning gibbous, you thought, as you stared out into the night. You leaned over and opened the window, a cool breeze entered the room, and you leaned up against the window.
Rest well, you guys.
Levi walked down the empty corridors. He had been unsure whether to take her up on her offer, but he was glad that he had. It had given him something to think about, as opposed to just spending the rest of his evening in a lonely room, alone with his own thoughts. He'd learned more about her, too. When he reached the door that led to the exit, his hand hovered over the handle. Do I want to go back to my room yet? He slowly began walking back down the hall. He walked aimlessly around the castle, until he found himself in the same place he had the last time he'd done this, the stairway to the tower. He stared at the entrance, and took a slow step forward. Just as he was about to enter, he hesitated. Did he really want to go in there right now? Relive through the memories? But before he knew it, he was quickly walking up the narrow staircase, pushing the door open.
The cool night air immediately hit his face. He slowly walked over to the wall, and perched himself on the edge. The sky was clear of clouds, unlike the last time he was here. The moon's light shone brilliantly on him. He gazed up into the sky in wonder. The stars were more visible this time around, scattered about as if a large hand had carelessly tossed the sparkling lights into the dark sky.
Inevitably, the memory of them sitting by his side came to his mind. The way Isabel had nearly fallen off the wall after jumping from the excitement of seeing a constellation she recognized, the way it had nearly given Furlan a heart attack from the shock.
"You need to believe in us!"
Levi sighed, and pulled his head into the palms of his hands. A tear fell down his cheek.
I'm so sorry, you guys.
