4 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
The subject's tentacle healed quickly. Not only has it returned to its former length in less than a day, but it's grown, even. Other tentacles appear to be developing. Tiny bumps litter the skin. Injection site has had to be moved to prevent interference from the rapidly mutating arm.
Hand has not displayed the same amount of resilience. It still retains the injury from the Anti-sensei material.
5 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Subject is experimenting with control of the tentacle. Keep a close watch on her.
6 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Two more tentacles have sprouted from the upper right arm. As decided upon, it's been restrained.
Subject will have much less freedom to test the limits of her capabilities within such parameters.
11 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
...For safety purposes, the other arm has been restrained.
15 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Other scientists have returned to the lab. Read over all prior notes and make sure to follow regulations. DO NOT INTERACT WITH THE TEST SUBJECT. Remember: she is dangerous.
16 April 2014
Masakazu Tamru
Uh… the test subject tried to talk to me today, but I ignored her as instructed. I hope I'm doing this right? I'm new here. But you're right that I really want to stay safe. I wouldn't want anything like… er- that last incident you guys had to repeat.
Sorry if that's rude to point out. Test subject's vitals are normal. Her heart rate remains up.
18 April 2014
Masahiro Miyahara
Test subject attempted to communicate with me as well, but I shut her down as instructed.
She attempted to garner sympathy, but I didn't let her get in my head. I know exactly what she's capable of.
While I was sure to let her know that I wouldn't take her bullshit, I won't be communicating with her any further in the future.
19 April 2014
Keiko Sakai
Lol. Would you believe me if I told you test subject tried to make me think that I was in just as bad a situation as her? Like hell, lady! I'm not the one chained up to my neck.
If anything, I think the work atmosphere around here has been a lot better lately, actually.
21 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
It's more than clear that the test subject won't stop attempting to start up conversation even when ignored. Scientists are to begin working from afar. I'll take care of the nitty-gritty of this operation myself.
After all, I wouldn't want any of you getting hurt.
28 April 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Subject describes headaches and a cough. Not only that, but her whole right arm exhibits discoloration. X-rays were taken, alongside listening to her lungs... and in regards to the cough, I expect her inner organs to begin decay soon. Prepare for ejection of blood.
1 June 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
The coughing continues. I'm certain by now it's not a respiratory infection. The lining of her throat is peeling away, and X-Rays of the stomach display internal bleeding.
Discoloration continues to spread up the chest and neck.
6 June 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Had a talk with the test subject.
8 June 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
As predicted, test subject is vomiting blood. It's not excessive, but I expect things to worsen in the upcoming weeks. Keep a close eye on her in case of potential choking.
10 June 2014
Kotaro Yanagisawa
Subject number 4 has been brought into the lab. In case the plans with 2 fall through, he should make for a wonderful backup.
Commence Operation Tentacle Cell.
Aguri is trying to stay strong.
It's hard… some days are better than others, but she reminds herself of what she discovered last time she was feeling down: that surely, somewhere… she has someone cheering her on. That has to mean something, doesn't it?
...She's not certain. Even if it makes her feel better for a moment, she's not sure what she can really hope for. It's not like she can realistically see herself being broken out of here... but it's not like she can see herself breaking out on her own, either. Not only would that put Akari in too much danger, but she's far too weak-willed for anything of the sort. And she can't reason with Yanagisawa… he won't listen to her! Which brings her back to the thought that her only two options here are to die or go insane.
She won't consider either. She simply shuts her eyes and drowns out the thought. Even if she doesn't know what to hope for in regards to her future, that's okay. She needs to take things one day at a time. And if she can't hope for salvation, then…
At the very least she can hope to be remembered fondly.
She hopes Reaper and Akari are happy wherever they are. She hopes they think about her sometimes. She hopes when they do it makes them smile.
It's getting harder to recall their faces now. Reaper's gaze is cloudy, and she can only make out his frightening smile. All the same, she doesn't shy back from him... and as she watches the muscle rip beneath his skin, she feels slightly less strange about the tentacles moving within her own.
'What color are Akari's eyes?'
Aguri squints… flinches slightly, but takes a deep breath and repeats her mantra.
'My name is Aguri Yukimura. I'm 25 years old and I… I'm a Junior High Teacher. I miss my baby sister. Her name is Akari Yukimura and I… I love her, okay? It's not my fault I can't- my mom is deceased, but that's not my fault either. I miss her… and I miss my dad. He runs Yukimura Pharmaceuticals. That's the reason that...- my fiance met me because of- no. That doesn't matter.
I met my best friend because he was an experiment like I am right now. That's what matters. His name was Reaper. And he loved me. At least… I think he did. And I love him too. Just like I love my sister. And… and my dad. And my students. I won't forget that: that I love them.
...I just wish I could see them again.'
Sometimes she does in her dreams. With Reaper, especially. He comes to her and holds out a welcoming hand. She never believes it… not really, but it's nice to have respite. She pretends she's snuggling into the crook of his neck… wraps her arms around him and drifts off.
Only to wake up, still restrained, in the ice-cold lab.
Aguri won't lose hope, though. She won't. She just has to… to…-
Her eyes are starting to hurt.
She notices it alongside the fact that she's vomiting once a day or so. The latter isn't terrible minus the psychological aspect of it, but the former is starting to worry her. There are these sharp migraines cutting through her skull as a burning sensation radiates out from the back of her eyes... and although she tries to ignore it at first, the pain soon becomes too much to bear.
"Something… weird is happening," Aguri tells Yanagisawa one day, using all her willpower just not to flinch. "My eyes… they're- I don't know-"
Her vision is blurring. She has to blink fast just to stave off the tears. That horrible throbbing sensation is stabbing at the back of her head… and she's shivering, slightly, as she stares up at Yanagisawa from within her restraints.
She doesn't expect him to help. He never has. But she at least hopes he'll explain. S… show off, or whatever, and accidentally slip up to let her know what's going on.
He doesn't, however. He simply inspects her eyes closely and murmurs "...Interesting. I'll keep tabs on that," before administering her dosage and turning to walk away.
The pain worsens over the next few days… or is it just hours? Aguri's not certain. Either way, it soon grows unfathomable. The sickening, inordinate sensation that's wracked the rest of her body these past few months travels up to her eyes and begins to consume them. Her tentacles writhe wildly within their restraints and she lets out an unwitting whimper. Even then, however, she tries to keep up hope.
'...Remember your sister,' she thinks again and again. 'Remember the Reaper. Remember your class.'
Yuma Isogai. Taiga Okajima. Hinata Okano. Manami Okuda. Megu… what? Wait. Wait. Go back- who's number one? And after Megu comes… who again? It was- um- a Maehara, right… or a-...?
She can't make out any of their faces by now.
Her students… her beautiful students… who were relying on her… who she's fought so hard for. Has she already forgotten their names?
Perhaps she deserves what she's feeling right now.
One evening she goes blind. There's simply a sharp pain and then… nothing. Her vision's gone completely black. It's gone.
Yanagisawa tells her that it should be temporary… that the cells in her eyes are being burned away: replaced. That she'll be able to see better, perhaps , when they return. His words do little to console her. She knows he's a liar, and the pain is so overwhelming her whole body shakes. Before she even knows what she's doing she starts to scream.
The pain gets worse… worse… worseworseworseworse, and there's nothing she can do to combat it. Like nothing she's ever felt before… somehow more excruciating than the rest of this combined, the Antimatter ravages her cells and digs into each crevice at the back of her mind. She weeps incoherently, begging for help… but no-one answers her, and she's left alone in the darkness; left alone with her mind.
She tries to cling to them: Akari, Reaper. But she can't even make them out now. Their faces are too far away, and try as she might she can't even fantasize. She can hardly remember what the ceiling above her looks like… how is she supposed to find the people that care about her?
(Who is she kidding!? SHE'S ALONE!)
'No,' she thinks. 'No.' she tries to fight it off. 'I'm not alone. My name is Aguri Yukimura and I'm 25 years old and I'm loved-' but it's no use. The pain rockets through her skull and she lets out another shriek. Every thought is put to rest, and all she can focus on is the overpowering sensation.
It's maybe a day into it that she starts to wish she'd just died.
'No.' she thinks at first. 'Nononono.' But the thought returns… again and again. She doesn't want to be here and she doesn't want to feel this and she doesn't want to go insane! What was she thinking? Being hopeful!? Acting thankful for having her life saved!? If she were just gone by now she wouldn't have to deal with any of this! She'd… she'd-
She'd have died happy!
She hates herself for even convincing herself she could stay strong here. Who… who cares if she has Akari or Reaper to cling to!? She's not like them! She's weak and pathetic and scared! And even if she weren't, they couldn't save her. All they were were an illusion of hope- a simple up before a horrible low in her erratic mood.
'Oh! I want to be rescued!' 'Oh! I want to escape!' 'Oh! I just want to stay strong for the people I love!' She hasn't been able to stick with any of it… not even for a week. She's just clinging to anything she can find. And soon enough she'll run out of options. She'll be alone here. She'll…-
She's never going to die.
She briefly tries to convince herself that's a good thing… that Akari and Reaper and her students still need her. But then she feels the lava-hot sensation run through her veins and throws her head back with a wail.
'They don't!' she tells herself. 'They don't' she says again and again and again. 'You know they don't love you! Yanagisawa is right! And even if you remember Akari crying once you also remember her getting by just fine without you! No-one needs you, Aguri! And even if they did…'
You're just not strong enough.'
"Please," she says the minute she hears him crack open the door. "Please. Pleasepleaseplease. Kotaro... is that you?"
He doesn't answer her... simply steps closer. But she can recognize his footsteps, and as he dawns on her she lets out a sputtery, breathless sound.
"I'm done," she says. "I can't take it anymore. I'm too tired. I-" She struggles for words. "Please. Just kill me already. If you have any shred of kindness in your heart, kill me. You don't have to let me go. You don't even have to do it in a gentle way. Hurt me as much as you want. Just… just- make it stop already. It hurts so much."
She lets out a whimper… weeping unintelligibly. But as she waits for a response she hears none, and her whole body goes ice cold. She looks around desperately for wherever he's standing.
"You got what you want," she gasps. "You broke me. And so please… just kill me. I don't care anymore. I'll do anything. Give me this. Just give me this. Please."
She lets out a ragged breath… feels another surge of electricity run up her spine. She sobs, overwhelmed, and shakes her head as she speaks.
'I'm sorry,' she thinks, still murmuring.
"Please."
'I'm sorry, Akari. I know you must think this is pathetic of me... but I can't take it. Your older sister's not as strong as you thought.'
Yanagisawa's quiet for a long moment… and when he speaks, there's a curious, agitated tone to his voice.
"...Kill you," he repeats. "Give me one reason I should do that."
Aguri's limbs lock. This is exactly what she was afraid of… but every inch of her is screaming for relief, and she knows this is the one thing she can't give up on. Not when she's never wanted anything more-
"You… you-" she stumbles over her words. "Th- think about it! You can use it as an opportunity to see how Antimatter in the body reacts after death. You can make sure the planet won't explode when you- when you take care of Reaper. You'll be revered as a hero!"
"An interesting proposition," Yanagisawa muses… before suddenly reaching out for her throat. "But that's not what I'm interested in studying. I want to make an Antimatter creature that won't need to be disposed of at all!"
For a split second Aguri feels relief… cherishes the fingers wrapped 'round her neck, but as he pulls her in closer as opposed to tightening his grip she lets out a pathetic little sob and lets tears roll down her cheeks.
'Please,' she thinks. 'Please. You're so close. All you have to do is squeeze a little tighter. Hurt me. Like you always have. Pleasepleasepleaseplease.'
"You threw your life away, Yukimura. You got killed trying to protect a serial killer, and in the process you almost ruined my life as well. It was generous of me to save you! I think I should get to decide what I do with you now that you're here!"
"NO!" Aguri shrieks. "No…" she drifts off. "Just… just-"
She can't see Yanagisawa, but she can feel his breath hot on her face. His hands shake as he grasps her tight.
"Just… do it, okay? If… if you won't get anything from it, then just… do it because you care about me. You do… right? At least a little?" She blinks slow. "Why else would- would you have chosen me? Why else would you be keeping me here? You're hurting me, Kotaro. And so do it. Put me out of my misery. This is all I'm asking from you as your fiancée. Kill me. You've taken enough from me."
At first she's just speaking from the heart. But as she continues she hears his breath hitch… feels his grip tighten slightly, and she knows she's struck gold.
"It shouldn't be hard for someone like you. Do what you've always done. Just hit me as hard as you can until this time I don't get up. You've wanted to do it for a very long time, haven't you?"
A piercing question. And Yanagisawa even pauses. His grip tightens for a split second. But ultimately he lets out a deep breath and releases Aguri… letting her head fall back onto the cold metal operating table.
"No," he says. "I won't let you manipulate me like that to get what you want, witch."
And Aguri's heart sinks.
Because if even trying to piss him off doesn't work- if he can truly reign back his temper, then that must mean he really hates her… and not a thing she can say could possibly change that.
She screams as he turns to go, but he doesn't answer her. And even though she can't see his face, somehow she gets the feeling that he's smiling.
She turns to her coworkers, next… begs for them, too, to kill her. She knows she's putting Akari in danger by doing so, but she just can't take it! And she knows that's selfish, but she's exhausted, okay!? And that only makes her want to die more!
"Mayahara! Sakai! Anyone! Just kill me!"
"It doesn't need to be complicated!" She shrieks. "You don't need to get caught! Just… just overdose me on some medicine! No-one will even know!"
"I know you're listening! Don't ignore me! You know what's happening here is wrong!"
But no-one acknowledges her. And as Aguri is left to face this on her own she begins to slam the back of her head against the operating table. Tentacles writhing… eyes watering, she tries to rip out her IV- bite off her own tongue and choke. But nothing works; and as her screams echo throughout the empty lab she feels despair overtake her.
She's been lying all this time. Why has she been trying to keep up hope? This is all she's ever wanted... before she even got trapped in the lab she just wanted to die! And now she never will! Because she lied to her baby sister! To her best friend! To herself!
Aguri screams until she doesn't have a voice left. But even then she figures out that sadness alone can't kill a person. She's left to live with her mistakes whether she likes it or not.
She's still shivering… murmuring incoherently, when her vision comes back. It's uneventful, almost. It just fades in.
...And her head continues to pound.
"Interesting," Yanagisawa says, standing over her. "Not only has the discoloration spread a wide margin, but your sclera have gone completely black. I wonder if the iris, too, will change in time… or…-" he drifts off. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Either way, you'll look most gruesome."
"Fitting," he continues. "After all… you implied that I was a bad fiance, but you were the real deal-breaker in our relationship. Cheating on me… constantly calling me terrible names… thinking you were too good for me. And maybe you were. But not anymore. Now even I wouldn't take you. You're hardly a woman!"
"Good on me," he says with a smirk. "Now everyone else can see exactly what I see in you… how sick you are. I bet you wouldn't want to get out of here even if you could. After all: your precious Reaper would be repulsed by you… and I doubt your sister would even recognize you! You'd be the shame of your family… but then again, I suppose you already were."
Aguri stares up at the ceiling. She doesn't even make eye contact with him. It's not like she can verify whether what he's saying is true or not… she can't even see herself. And besides, she's already given up. What's the point of arguing?
"...Why are you doing this?" She asks, quiet.
"Punishing you?"
"Talking to me," she responds. "You broke me. You won. I've already come to each and every one of those conclusions on my own. And so what? What do you still have to take from me?"
"You're not broken. Not yet. And even if you were, I will never be done with you."
She asks him, again, to just kill her. But once more, Yanagisawa refuses, and eyes glazed over- perhaps completely unrecognizable… Aguri weeps.
She hears him refer to her as an 'it' one day to one of her coworkers. It's a minor thing bundled in with the rest of the cutthroat stuff he says about her, but somehow that sticks with her. She remembers what he said about her hardly being a woman.
Quite frankly, she hardly even feels like a human.
She wants to remind herself that that's ridiculous: that Reaper was still human, after all… but she just can't find the strength. She's… not like Reaper, okay? He deserved the empathy she gave him. But she's just…- she's…-
Pathetic. She's pathetic, and that's all she'll ever be.
Her coworkers pick up on the wording. She wonders if it makes this easier on them… to not have to see her as someone like them. Or maybe they've just realized the objective truth. She's not certain, but either way, it stings. She's used to Yanagisawa treating her cruelly, but the world as a whole?
...Well, on second thought, she's actually pretty used to that, too.
Yanagisawa is right that her sister probably wouldn't recognize her if she saw her now. She'd be scared, even. Every part of Aguri's body convulses… and her muscles ripple like waves. Not only that, but she's not half the brave person she used to be. At least before she was willing to stand up for her sister.
...Now she's a coward who was willing to put her in danger.
As for Reaper, yeah… he'd probably be pretty disgusted, too. Sure, he went through the same sort of mutations- but that's different, okay? At least he was attractive before all of this. Meanwhile Aguri? God… she was mediocre.
That shines through in everything she does. After all, now she's an unstoppable monster like him… power flows through her veins. She could destroy everyone here if she wanted to, but she's too cowardly to try even that. All she wants is to destroy herself.
She repeats her mantra again, absentmindedly. But now it's moreso out of habit than any sort of hope.
'My name is Aguri Yukimura. I'm 25 years old and I was a Junior High teacher. I had a baby sister. Her name was Akari Yukimura. She loved me, even though she probably shouldn't have… and she was- she was always looking out for me.
I'm being kept here against my will… I mean- if I still have one, by my ex-fiance. He's doing the same terrible thing he did to my best friend Reaper to me… and I am never going to get out of here.
...I wish I could just die.'
Aguri closes her eyes… feels her head pound, and stares up at the ceiling.
Aguri's hair takes on a weird texture… waxy, almost. She can feel it clinging to the back of her neck. Her veins brush past it as they twitch… the burning sensation traveling up to her jaw and cheeks. The veins there start to twitch, too. She wonders how long it is before tentacles start bursting out of her face. Maybe she could suffocate herself before Yanagisawa managed to rush in. Wouldn't that be nice?
...She sees the boy again. He almost resembles one of her students. He can't be any older than fourteen- with snow-white hair and golden eyes. He glances her way, Yanagisawa not by his side … and they make eye contact for a single moment.
Aguri opens her mouth, almost on instinct. And as she realizes that he's alone- that there's one person she hasn't made her plea to yet - she starts to shriek.
"My name is Aguri Yukimura! I'm twenty-five years old and I'm being kept here against my will by my ex-fiance! My baby sister's name was Akari. My parents names were-uh- ah- I worked at Kunugigaoka Junior high! And you've got to help me! Please… if you can hear me- do something. Convince him to kill me-! Tell someone! Anyone!"
She knows it's a long-shot, but what choice does she have!? She's miserable! She's been miserable for months! She speaks before even thinking it through... because sure, it might not work, but she'll take any chance she can get! She'll take ANYTHING!
"Tell one of the scientists to overdose me! Y-you could, even-! I'm sure there's a button you can press t- just do it- please!"
She doesn't get a chance to plea any further. There's an abrupt banging on the glass, and a shouting as Yanagisawa makes his entrance.
"SHUT UP!" he shrieks. "What are you doing!? No-one wants to hear what you have to say! And so drop it! No-one is going to fucking help you!"
The boy's gaze quickly drifts from her. He looks up at Yanagisawa, unfeeling.
"Who is that?" he asks quietly.
"It doesn't matter," Yanagisawa says with a deep sigh as he starts to usher the boy out of the room. "She's someone weak. You don't need to worry about her at all in your quest for power."
Any curiosity seems to fade from the boy's eyes. Replaced with fire, he gives a nod. He doesn't even bother to look back at Aguri as he makes his exit.
Yanagisawa, however… does. And his fist shakes as he goes.
He gives her twice as much Antimatter that day. She kind of expects it judging by his reaction, but she still tears up as he enters the room. It's weird because she's used to it by now- and she still doesn't regret what she did… she was going to suffer either way, but it must be an instinctive thing… every alarm in her brain going off- begging her to get out of there at the mere sight of him.
But she knows by now she just can't. And she wishes her body would just get the memo.
"What is wrong with you!?" He growls, grabbing her by the collar of her patient's gown and lifting her head up from the table. "Are you seriously trying to ruin this experiment, too!? You've destroyed enough for me, woman! I'm not letting you sway him!"
"I...I-" Aguri opens her mouth, desperately searching for words. But when she finds none she simply shuts her eyes and braces herself for the pain.
"'Ohhhhhh! You've broken me!' 'Ohhhhh! I'm so defeated!'" Yanagisawa chides in falsetto. "Broken my ass! You still don't even know your place!"
Aguri shuts her eyes tighter… gnaws on her lip and shakes her head.
"I didn't want to ruin anything," she whimpers. "I just wanted him to-"
"To what!? Kill you!? I already said you don't get that right! You don't get to ask that of anyone but me!"
Aguri's eyes shoot open as Yanagisawa slams her back onto the operating table and slaps his hand upside her cheek. Then, whirling around, he reaches to grab vial after vial of Antimatter… piling them into his arms.
"I'll show you what happens when you disrespect me… because you're apparently still too stupid to fucking know. I'll put you in your place. I'll make you miserable. I'll make you wish you really weren't alive."
Aguri knows it's not worth it to argue, but she opens her mouth anyways. Yanagisawa shoots towards her, clenched fist meeting her forehead as he lets out a growl. Aguri yelps, flinching back, but Yanagisawa doesn't let up.
Administering vial after vial of Antimatter he loads her full of it until he's almost entirely out. And then… still unsatisfied even as she shrieks, he raises his foot and stomps it down against her stomach. He kicks her in the sides… across the legs, the face.
"I'M TIRED OF YOU TRYING TO TAKE EVERYTHING I HAVE FROM ME! YOU! ARE! USELESS! AND YOU DON'T DECIDE WHAT I DO WITH MY PROPERTY I! OWN YOU! AND IF I WANT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE, THEN YOU DON'T GET A FUCKING SAY IN IT! 'IT HURTS SO MUCH!?' BOO-HOO! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE FREEING MY FIRST EXPERIMENT!"
Aguri gasps for breath, but he clenches her throat.
'I'm just so tired' she tries to say. 'I'm sorry. I really am! But can you blame me?' But even that doesn't come out… and she screams incoherently as he lets out his rage.
It's the most he hits her since she was first trapped here. And even long after he's left… gotten all of his anger out on her, she screams late into the night. Because Antimatter flows through her veins… and as she throws up the most blood she has yet-
She knows that even something as scary as Yanagisawa's anger can't kill her.
'My name is Aguri Yukimura and I… I…-
...I don't know why I'm still repeating this.'
Aguri develops rapidly over the next few days. She's not sure if it's the excess Antimatter or a result of her volatile emotional state, but her body seems to shift more than ever. She's still got a horrible headache, and when she's not weeping she's coughing… hacking up her lungs and spitting out blood onto the pristine laboratory floor. One day she even coughs up an organ. She just about chokes on it- and almost wishes she did… but just barely manages to get the damn thing up. She stares at it, half dissolved, and still twitching as it falls to the floor.
Yanagisawa takes it away… gives her another X-ray. They don't bother to talk. It seems he's still mad at her- and it's not like she has much to say. If he won't kill her and he won't forgive her, then there's not really a point.
Construction begins again. They knock down the walls and for a split second Aguri even considers escape… but then her heart sinks and she remembers there's no such thing possible for her. It's best she doesn't go and get her hopes up. Whatever this is… it's certainly not going to offer an out for her.
"Soundproof walls, apparently," she hears one of the construction workers mention. He shoots her a pitying look, but not much more. She doesn't ask him to kill her. "I wonder what that's about."
"There," Yanagiswa says, wiping his hands together proudly as he stares at the thick glass panes. "Now you won't go and bother my other test subjects. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner." He pauses. "Don't use this to go and scheme, by the way. I've got cameras in here. Anything you say I'll still be able to hear."
'Scheme,' Aguri thinks, shutting her eyes. What a joke. If she could scheme she would have done so by now… but she doesn't have an intelligent bone in her body.
She can catch sight of her hair hovering around her. It's no longer made of strands… but rather congealed tentacles. She considers using them to suffocate herself, but soon decides against it. What does it matter? Yanagisawa will restrain them before she even knows it… and she sincerely doubts she even needs to breathe at this point.
She wonders if there's anything left of her that isn't made of tentacles.
Her whole body aches. It's difficult to move her arms. She can't make them out, of course... they're still restrained… but when she tries to flex her fingers she can't make heads or tails of where her wrist ends and her palm begins. The twitching's subsided, mostly- now her body simply writhes- but it's not much more of an appealing sensation.
She continues to throw up more and more over the following week. Less and less is she just vomiting blood… but rather expelling chunks of flesh and other internal organs. Her stomach's in knots… and she's never not in pain. Even when she tries to shut her eyes and drown out the sensation the feeling remains. Soon she gives up on even trying. She's being destroyed from the inside out - and no amount of willful ignorance would ever be able to mask that.
Yanagisawa's the one who mops up the blood and organs. He hates it… says it's below him and complains the whole time, but still uses it as a prime opportunity to insult her. That, and to deprive her of any outside social interaction. God forbid he send one of his underlings in here… lest they actually risk humoring her.
"It's noble of me, you know," he boasts, sitting low to the ground. "To be willing to deal with you. You bitch so much… and you're horrendous to look at. I'd have to be a terrible boss to foist that responsibility onto anyone else."
'A terrible boss,' Aguri thinks, still not looking his way. It's funny… she remembers him treating everyone else terribly, but she's starting to doubt even that. What if she's… wrong? What if it only ever really was her? It's not like she can trust her memory much at this point.
Ha. Knowing her, she probably was the problem.
She doesn't listen to him much as he talks. Sure, he's the only human interaction she has left… but she doesn't even really care about that at this point. Whether she listens to him or not she'll still feel like a living corpse. And there's this deafening voice in the back of her mind reminding her that she doesn't deserve companionship, anyways. So what's the point?
She lets out a raggedy sigh and lets her head lean back… stares up at the ceiling for the thirtieth time today.
...Yanagisawa's still referring to her as an it.
She can't move her legs well anymore, even if she tries. It's hard to see them, but when she glances downwards they're alien to her. Huge, thick tentacles sprout from her torso… twitching indiscriminately and pulsing with her veins. She's pretty sure one leg's split off into two or three appendages, and the other looks measly… kicking weakly as it's consumed by the grey. She's sure it's not long now before they've lost their definition entirely… before she's just a mass of writhing flesh.
She almost doesn't want to see her loved ones at this point. And it's not just out of guilt… knowing that she doesn't deserve them. It's that she knows they're probably happier thinking of her as dead. Anything would be better than this. At least in their minds she's resting in peace. But here?
...Well, she's not resting at all.
It's been such a long time since she's seen anyone she cared about. Maybe she can't trust her judgment of them. Maybe she's either putting too much or too little faith in them. Either way, it doesn't matter much, she supposes. It's not like she'll ever get to see them again.
She misses it more than ever: the little things. She wonders how long it's been since she's heard laughter… had a home-cooked meal. Now that she thinks about it, she hasn't felt the breeze on her face since she first arrived here. It's crazy that something she'd once taken for granted is such a pipe dream now. And to think she'd thought of herself as unhappy.
'Spoiled brat you were,' she muses. 'You didn't know anything.'
'Maybe that's why you're here right now.'
Her eyes water, but she shakes her head. No. There's no use dwelling on it. She can't change the fact that she's a screw up now. All she can do is live with her mistakes.
(...It's been a really long time since she had a hug.)
Ironically, she thinks she starts to grow used to the pain eventually. She's not sure if it's getting less intense or if it's just a hell she's grown numb to, but she almost becomes capable of ignoring it. It's the psychological aspect she truly can't escape. No matter how hard she tries… her thoughts still wander, and they claw at her like knives.
'How low do I need to fall?' she wonders. 'I've already given up. What more do I need to do? How do I get it to stop hurting?'
The mutations continue, but they don't give her much of an answer.
Yanagisawa tells her she may hear a voice in her head sometime that week. He instructs her to tell it she wants strength when it asks her what she truly craves. "After all, maybe if you had some of that you wouldn't be stuck in a situation like this in the first place."
"I don't get how you're comfortable in there," she overhears a scientist murmur as he cracks open the door to let Yanagisawa out. "Aren't you afraid? I mean… last time you made something like this it-"
"This is different," Yanagisawa interjects. "Perhaps I made… some mistakes with my last experiment. But this one?" He gives a laugh. "She wouldn't fight back if her life depended on it."
...She really was the perfect choice in that regard, wasn't she? She wants to argue with him- even just internally, but can't find the strength. No, it's true- she's weak-willed. She hasn't had a conviction in her life. What sort of fight could she put up?
("Tell it what you want," Yanagisawa says. "Tell it you want strength." But Aguri's pretty sure she's never wanted anything at all.)
It comes to her maybe a few days later. She's not particularly keeping track. She's simply staring up at the ceiling… mind blank, when she hears it booming in the back of her mind.
'What do you desire?'
It's not particularly a voice. It's something closer to an impulse… invading her brain and digging through her psyche. Try as she might to shrug it off, however, the inquiry doesn't fade. It wanders to the forefront of her mind again and again… slightly more aggressive each time.
'What do you desire?' it asks. 'Tell me.'
Aguri almost wishes it were some sort of outside entity asking her this question. At least then she'd have a friend. But it's not, is it? This is something coming from deep within her… primal and desperate.
'What is it you desire?' It asks. 'What is it you've wanted forever?'
'I… don't know.'
It's a pretty pathetic answer to give herself… but what else is there she could possibly say? If she had any dreams before they've long since been squished.
Maybe she should just say 'to be strong,' like Yanagisawa wanted her to. But the thought frightens her. She doesn't want to give him what he wants… and besides, it's not like she could be strong even with this sort of thing's powers.
The question eats at her. While the tentacles were gentle at first it soon becomes apparent there's no evading their question. Her mind wanders back to the thought- that 'what do you desire?' And as little beads of sweat drip down her forehead she realizes that having no answer at all terrifies her.
'What… what DO I want?'
Some instinctual part of her needs to find it. It eats at her- wracks her body and thoughts. And as she starts to tremble she thinks it again and again and again.
'What do I… what do I...-?'
Even if she's pathetic and useless and unloved there has to be something, doesn't there!? Everyone has dreams. And if she doesn't, then- w- well, what even makes her a person!? What is it she wanted again!? She knows she'd had it at one point. Has she really let Yanagisawa take that away!?
(Of course she has! She was scared! She was hopeless… but all the same…
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER!?)
T… to be loved, maybe. That can be her answer. Maybe she wants to be loved. But just as soon as she thinks it she shakes her head. No… she doesn't deserve it. And she couldn't be, anyways. It has to be something else.
To die, then.
The tentacles recoil at the thought. 'No. No. No,' they scream. 'That's not it. Keep looking.'
U… uh…-!
To be brave? No! To be human? What!? To be happy? Not a chance. Her whole body writhes as she mulls it over… and struggling for breath she looks around wildly. There has to be something. Her brain fucking demands it. But what is there left of her!? What did she dream of!? What is it she wants again!?
The… the breeze. Abruptly, she feels it on her face. She's outside… and it's a sunny day, and her sister is playing with chalk. It's before she had any of this to worry about. She's fourteen, and her sister is three… and they have their whole lives ahead of them.
Another moment she's twenty… and she just enrolled in college. She pumps her fist, almost embarrassed, and lets out a little laugh. It's overdramatic… she knows, but it's such a nice night, and it's not like she'd ever envisioned this sort of future for herself.
It's been a long time since she felt that way… like she did playing with her sister or mapping out her dreams. But if she can never have that again - never feel the breeze on her face or hear her sister's voice or let herself laugh… then what is there that tied those moments together? What is it she's been missing for so long?
Reaper's sitting in the back of the observation room, one leg kicked up on the operating table and the other dangling as he stares absentmindedly at his twitching hand. They're talking about the news or her students or some other equally inconsequential thing when he makes a snide comment. Abruptly, she starts to laugh. And taken aback, Aguri covers her mouth with her hands.
"I'm sorry," she says, not sure for what. "I just… you-" she drifts off. "You almost sounded like a friend."
She's naive… and she knows she is, but even she hadn't trusted Reaper at first. She'd known he was most likely just trying to get into her head. But the first time he made her laugh like that she realized it was still the safest she'd felt in a long time. Almost like home.
...Safety.
That's it. That's what she hasn't felt… what she hasn't been able to grasp in here or even long before that. What she felt on that warm summer day, supervising her sister… putting in her application, or letting the first friend she had in a long time make her laugh.
She hasn't been safe. After all... she's lived in a world full of harsh words… temperamental reactions, and a lover who fucking hated her. But she felt it at one point… didn't she? And even just reflecting on it, it makes her tear up.
'Yeah,' she thinks. 'That's what I want. I just want to feel safe again.'
And all at once the tentacles stop.
'To… feel safe,' they repeat.
'Yeah,' Aguri says with a meek nod. 'I hope that's not too much to ask… but I haven't gotten to feel that way a lot lately. Can you do that for me… please?'
'...'
The tentacles don't respond.
That's okay. Something tells her that's more a question for herself, anyways. And as she lets out a raggedy sigh… craning her head back up towards the ceiling and missing that feeling desperately, her cells start to go to work.
