Chapter Two

While He Sleeps


We got back down to Haven with me carrying our new Herald the whole way – much to the amusement of anyone who saw us. Leliana had cracked up giggling halfway down and mentioned how it was a Cousland family trait to be abnormally strong. I had rolled my eyes but was secretly pleased with the idea of having family for once.

Cullen did a double take and rushed to help me with him when we arrived at Haven. I let him.

I spoke while we carried Maxwell to a cabin, "So, Commander – I do believe you owe me a drink."

I heard his people freeze. Cullen coughed, "So I do, Admiral."

I barked out, "Really, Commander? You're people are so poorly trained that the barest hint of gossip can stop them in their tracks?"

Anger lit his eyes as he glanced at his people – who were indeed frozen and listening, "You heard her – back to work!"

Everyone jumped back to work.

When we got Maxwell into his bed, he turned to me, "I do apologize for my…"

I snorted, "Don't apologize for them – perhaps I should join your training. At least spar with me before you say no, Commander – I am an admiral, after all."

He sighed, "Very well, we can spar tomorrow… for tonight, I think a drink is on the menu?"

I chuckled, "Indeed it is – you know where we can get one?"

A flush lit his cheeks, "Flissas' Tavern has all the ale in Haven, so… I guess we go there? Though, before we do… you told Seeker Cassandra that you… had a… crush on me?"

I sighed, "Right – I should likely update you, Ambassador Montilyet and Sister Nightingale on my unique situation, yes?"

He nodded and escorted me to the Chantry. We got there in time to see Cass coming up from the dungeon with Ellana. The elf grabbed my arm, "What is going on?"

I smiled, "You're being let go, Lavellan – you may either return to your clan, or you can join the Inquisition. I warn you that if you go, the Chantry will hunt you to pin the blame on someone who came from the Fade – the Inquisition cannot protect those they have no say over, you understand?"

She bit her lip, "The Shem said much the same, but I figured since you seemed to know more about what was happening than them… I'd ask you."

I nodded as Cullen stood behind me in confusion. I chuckled, "Ellana Lavellan, meet Commander Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath. Cullen, this is Ellana of Clan Lavellan in the Free Marches."

Cullens grip on my arm tightened, "How… how do you know my middle name and where I'm from?"

"Perhaps that is best discussed away from snoops, yes? Cass, gather Leli and Josie and meet us in the War Room. As you can see, Solas and Varric are already here."

The two companions had wondered in after us. Cass nodded with a salute and walked off to find Leli. I ushered the others into the War Room.

Josephine was 5'6 with deeply tanned skin, black hair pulled back in a professional bun, green eyes and high cheekbones. Her style of dress screamed importance and nobility – and the yellow and green coloring made her skin glow.

Once everyone was assembled, I said, "So, shall we play a game of introduction here – name and favorite hobby – or shall I just jump to the interesting bit?"

Cass snorted but let the Advisors speak. Josie said, "I heard your name is Cousland and that you may be the lost Cousland."

I sighed, "I make no such claims, but if you want to get in touch with Fergus or Alistair, please do add that I am unsure myself and actually doubt that I am. It appears there are many similarities between me and this lost girl. I am an Orphan – no family and was abandon the day I was born. My birthday was yesterday. My name is Celeste Cousland like the lost babe. I am the right age and have family traits as well as looking identical to the Queen according to Cass."

Cullen spoke next, "How do you know so much – like my name?"

Cassandra coughed, "She also had a very well-drawn picture of you in a suit style I've never seen."

I pulled out the picture without an ounce of shame and passed it around. Josie looked it over in awe, "Might I get a copy of that? I know many designers in Val Royeaux that would love that kind of design…"

I shrugged, "Only if Commander Cullen gets one as the price for the Design – otherwise, I could care less which designer gets it."

She nodded eagerly so I pulled out a copy of the design on sketch paper – this bag had everything from my homeland, but the damn thing wouldn't cough up anything from Thedas. My outfit was cloth that couldn't be found here, so it was allowed. Guns didn't exist. If I needed Elfroot, I would need to farm it. I wasn't too upset – it was already an overpowered item, so it needed some drawbacks; that was how the transmigration stories worked… right?

Josie looked Cullen over before scribbling on a separate paper. He flushed, "What are you writing? Lady Montilyet, what…?"

I chuckled, "At a guess, she's taking your measurements. Hold off on sending that design out until after a… visit to a ball hosted by Duchess Florianne De Chalons sometime in… oh it's either Herring or Wintermarch I think – but I want to dress him in that for the ball and it'll have a bigger impact if it's an original at the time, yes?"

She nodded hurriedly and said, "If there is to be a ball, then yes – that would be a wonderful idea."

Cullen groaned, "Why must I attend?"

"Because you are the Commander and every young woman from Orlais will be inquiring about your birth origins after that. Leliana will be using those proposals for something, not sure what."

"I am not bait," he grumbled. Leliana was giggling, "Oh hush – just stand there and look pretty, Commander – it may help us in the long run. Now, Celeste, how is it that you know so much about us when you were raised in a different land?"

After explaining with help from Solas that it wasn't just a different land but a different world, I said, "And all this… is a story. The first story is called, The Stolen Throne and details the struggle of Maric to regain the throne. Next was The Calling and tells the tale of Maric, Duncan and Fiona… as well as the Architect."

Leliana flinched, "Elissa mentioned the Architect."

"Yeah – he's bad news. Glad he's dead. The third was called Lelianas' song which detailed Leli and the bullshit she went through at the hands of Marjoline. Fourth is called Origins and that follows Elissa in defeating the blight – rescuing the mages, siding with Bhelen, brokering peace with the Dalish and the Werewolves, and even saving Honnleath where Cullens' sisters and brother were trapped after his parents were killed. Yes, Cullen, this means I know exactly what happened at Kinlock Hold. After that was Awakening – the whole thing at Vigils' Keep and the Architects reappearance. Next was Golems of Amgarrak which told of that mess in Amgarrak – which Leliana knows all about from Elissa."

Leliana was pale, "You… you know what happened with…?"

"Sorry, sweetie – but it's good she's dead now. After Witch Hunt – where Elissa tracked down a former companion – was called Dragon Age Two – and that whole 7 year story followed the works of Hawke from Varrics' point of view; Yes, Varric – all of it. Though you read as though you were Hawke, it was sort of obvious that it was all stuff Varric thought was important because it focused on three 'acts' – the Deep Roads Expedition in year one, the Qunari Uprising in year 4 and the Rebellion in year 7. It also followed what happened with Tallis in a side story called mark of the assassin and the whole thing with the Warden Base in the Vinmark Mountains in a side story called Legacy."

Varric groaned, "Two of my least favorite exploits. Though Tallis was kind of fun, Hawke liked her and we all got something out of that, nothing good happened there; As for Legacy… just no."

I chuckled, "Next came the story line of Isabela, Varric and Alistair in three parts – Silent Grove, Those Who Speak, and Until We Sleep. This is where it gets a bit tricky, so listen close. The next book – Magekiller takes place just before and during the events of this story called Inquisition. After the main part of Inquisition, comes a book called Knight Errant which follows… well, I shouldn't reveal too much of the future. My point is I know a basic outline of everything has happened since the beginning of the Dragon Age… because that's what the series is called – Dragon Age."

I sat on the edge of the war table as the all looked at me in interest, shock or even discomfort. I smiled, "The fun things about Origins, Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition was getting to know all the romance options – they were a pick your own path story. Elissa could have truly loved Alistair or even romanced Zevran. Hawke could have ended up with Isabela, Merrill or Anders if not Fenris. Maxwell has a few Choices, so does Ellana as she was one of the potential 'choices' to get the mark on her hand."

They all gaped at me, but of course, it was Varric who asked, "What were your favorite uh… romances?"

"In origins, I always went for Alistair – hands down, the sweetest romance in the tale. Leliana was awesome and never pushed, but I just felt wrong choosing her for some reason. If Elissa is really my sister, then I would know why. In number 2 – which used to be called Exodus but was changed before its release for unknown reasons – I always chose Fenris. My first go through, I chose Anders but the dude blew up the Chantry – I had a hard time with that one. Fenris is actually sweet and… I'm a sucker for a tragic backstory. Former slave made a good one – I fell for it every time after that. Only chose Bela once and well… I just… I could not get into the Merrill romance. If Hawke was a chick, another path opened up in the form of Prince Vael. He was nice and all, but very dedicated to the Chantry when he really needed to take back the throne."

Leliana was flushed as she realized that everything she told Elissa during the blight was known to someone. Cullen coughed, "And… in Inquisition?"

I grinned, "Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath – as I said, I'm a sucker for a tragic backstory. Apparently, I also like light haired warriors."

Josie let out a giggle. Cass, looking very intrigued, asked, "Who were the other options?"

"Well, we haven't met some of them yet. You only liked men – though your romance path is sweet from what I heard, I just never could read from the male version. Josie was a choice. Solas is only available to female Elves – like Ellana – and was a tragic love story. I will not elaborate. Josie was apparently very sweet and would throw a few games for her love interest. And I won't say much else or we may never get those companions because you'll be looking for them and that will make them avoid us." Josie flushed at my mention of throwing games.

"That's fair…" Leliana said thoughtfully.

I pushed off the table, "Look, I may be a bit… forward in how I talk and do things, but that's because I've been a Commanding Officer for too damn long to take a backseat to anyone I don't completely respect. You will often hear me use odd phrases and words – ask if you want to know. Cullen, I will be teaching you the Naval Alphabet – it comes in handy just as much as 24 hour time clocks. Like 1 in the afternoon is 13 hundred. You will teach this to your men if you feel it's more effective. Leliana, you will be learning these things too. Josephine, I will get you more outfit designs closer to the time of that ball. Solas, I will teach you how to use non-magic for healing – I am a combat medic. Varric, I'll tell you stories if you promise to write the next instalment of Swords & Shields – it actually is selling and Orlais is your biggest buyer but your publisher is keeping your money – might want to have a word or two with him. Cassandra… Keep an eye on Maxwell – make sure he heals well."

Ellana sputtered and finally dissolved into fits. Everyone turned to her and she said, "This woman falls from the fade and suddenly… she's the one in charge?"

The advisors all exchanged looks as Solas said, "It makes sense to have her in Charge – at least behind doors. She knows what we will face and what we need to do. She also has many more years of experience in leading than any of us."

I nodded, "Like I told Solas, Varric, Cass and Max – I was 58 before that damn rift appeared and aged me backwards like some fucked up version of Benjamin Button. My running theory on that is that… if I am the Lost Cousland then Earth runs at a rate of two years there to one year here – which is why I am suddenly 24 again. It took me 20 years to go from Combat Medic to Admiral of the Navy. My next stop would have been Secretary of the Navy – that's why I was retiring from my post as Admiral 4 years before mandatory age."

Cullen was flushed as he said, "So what's our next move?"

"We wait for Maxwell to wake up and get your men into shape. I swear the way some of them hold a sword; they think it might bite them. Recruits like that will die fast. Maxwell is going to be called the Herald of Andraste – more so now that I've been telling people that's exactly who he is. He should wake in a few days – he just didn't have the actual power to close the breach on his own. Stabilizing it almost killed him – we are quite lucky that he's still alive. Ellana, do you plan to go?"

"No, I'm going to stay." She said.

"In that case, Leliana send a messenger – your way. Dalish respect deeds," I smiled.

"I will have it done," She nodded. Ellana gave a confused look, causing me to say, "We wouldn't wish your clan to believe you are a prisoner here. If we allowed Cullen to send men, your people may believe they are being attacked and retaliate. I simply wish to convey that you are safe and here of your own free will. Leliana has had dealing with the Dalish – she knows what to do. Josie, send a message to Fergus in Highever and Alistair in Denerim – again, maintain that I do not claim to be the Celeste of the Cousland Family, I just believe that I have a similar name. Cullen, let's go and get that drink you own me and we can talk about training while we drink."

He nodded hesitantly so I sighed, "Look, I may flirt with you, but I won't be expecting anything. Just because I like you does not mean you should feel obliged to me – really, I get that."

Leliana coughed, "But what if he does want to be with you?"

"I would be greatly surprised. Seriously, I'm kind of overweight and a bit plain looking – not many would find me attractive. I accepted that a good 30 years ago."

Josie frowned, "I do not believe many would call you unattractive – you do look remarkably like the Queen after all."

I snorted, "Doesn't mean they won't be thinking it. Earths standard of beauty was thin with large chests and pretty faces. I have 1 of those – the large chest – but otherwise… well, there was a reason I was a 58 year old who'd never had a proper lover."

Cullen sputtered and turned bright red. I chuckled, "I apologize – Earth is quite forward in such matters – I forget that people here are a bit more… conservative."

Solas looked amused, "How forward?"

I chuckled and said, "Enough that I don't realize if I flirt with most people. I make an effort to flirt with our Commander, but I may occasionally say things without thought. If I tell someone they are lovely or have pretty eyes, I will not even realize I am flirting. It's as natural as breathing to me, so pay me no mind."

Cullen was still bright red and he muttered, "Why me?"

I froze, "If I make you uncomfortable, just say so – I will then be on guard and actively not flirt with you. I may slip from time to time, but I've had enough people tell me to stop that I won't take offence."

Josie gave a delicate cough, "I think our dear commander merely wished to know why you are fixated on him of all the possibilities."

I glanced at Cullen who nodded. I said, "Oh… Well… I don't actually know. All I know for sure is that I have liked Cullen for years – even when I thought he was just a character in a story. Granted, he's far better looking in person."

Cullen flushed again and Leliana gave a tinkling laugh, "You are just like Elissa."

I smiled at her, "How old is she now?"

"33 – She was almost your new age when the whole blight started. Do you know… all of our conversations from that time?"

I smirked, "Most if not all. I remember how you started flirting with her – complimenting the way she wore her hair and telling her about a noble woman and birds."

Leli actually flushed, "You would make a good spymaster with that knowledge…"

I shook my head in amusement, "But no contacts! There was a saying in my old life – usually about moving up in the world… it went it's not about what you know it's about whom you know. That applies to being a spy mistress quite well in my opinion. No, I'm far better suited to a role like the Commander – training people and sitting at the top of the food chain. I warn you all now, outside this room – when people are around us – I will be attempting to be the most diplomatic woman you've ever met, second to Josie. I know how to walk the walk and talk the talk. We don't want people knowing I'm the puppet master here. Let them think I'm just a new Advisor or something."

Cullen nodded, "That's a good idea, actually. Your title is still Admiral, but with that being a shipping title, no one will equate that with being in charge of a military force."

I smiled at him, "Precisely, my dear – I'll also try to be more discreet in my flirting; I always do that when people are around. Right, then – you all have your orders, make yourselves busy."

We all began piling out of the War Room. Cullen led me to the tavern for my victory drink.

He spoke softly as we walked, "I just thought – another thing people will underestimate you with is those… guns. They aren't a direct combat weapon and look fairly easy to use so most people will assume that you aren't good in combat."

I chuckled, "At least until tomorrow when I put you on your ass 2 times out of 3. The people who raised me were of a mind that a woman must learn to defend herself – because the world was full of evil people; men and women alike. Another thing that makes people underestimate me is my weight, actually – I don't look like I do daily exercise; I don't even look like I could run far. I can actually swim for two miles and hold my breath for several minutes due to Naval training exercises. Speaking of… I need someone to break that ice on the lake in the mornings. If not, I can probably do it with the weird new elemental control I have."

"Makers' Breath… Why?" he asked looking worried.

"Isn't it obvious, Commander? I intend to keep up with my daily swims – a good way to build cardio and acclimate to the weather here… not that I feel cold at all – in fact, I feel as though I could sleep naked in the snow with no ill effects. Not that I intend to do such a thing."

He was flushed as we entered the Tavern and he signaled Flissa for two ales. We sat at the only unoccupied table. Flissa was quick in getting the drinks and when she came over Cullen asked me, "Would you… like something to eat?"

"Oh, yes – if you don't mind. I haven't eaten since about 6 hours before I was pulled into the Fade."

He looked stunned, "Er… Flissa, if you could?"

"Not a problem! You just come to me anytime you need something, Admiral."

I chuckled – I was famous, it seemed.

One of the recruits I had gotten in trouble approached, "Commander, Admiral…"

I glanced up with a blank face, "Is there something we can help you with, Recruit?"

"Yes, Ma'am – I heard your name was Cousland and had a wonder…"

I snorted, "We are waiting for confirmation from Highever – because I do not know. If I am the Queens lost sister, I was taken as an infant and thus have no way of knowing."

He flushed, "Might I…? Are you seeing anyone, Admiral?"

I gave him a flat look before motioning to where I was, "I am attempting to start something with the Commander, but I'm afraid he may be a bit shy for that. I only managed this much on a bet he lost."

Cullen stammered for a moment before clearing his throat, "Axel, she only just got here – give her time to settle in before attempting such things."

"Er… right, Commander."

The recruit walked of and I gave Cullen an amused look, "That was kind of cute, actually – I've never had someone ask that before."

Cullen gave me a disbelieving stare, "Never?"

"As I've told you – I was… without a lover for that long due to the fact that my looks were considered undesirable. There was also the matter of being a Naval Medic and Officer and eventually Admiral. I think if my looks didn't run them off, my accomplishments did. I was never asked out. It would have been nice since I did crave that companionship – growing up in the system as an orphan was… hard enough. I was never adopted; I had perfect grades, tried to make friends… I just never seemed to fit, you know? That was what drove me to the Navy – the longing for somewhere I could belong. I had been raised defending myself, so why not? I was stronger than the average Navy Man – and looking back I think that was why they didn't straight up kick me out when my weight got up there. After a while, there was no reason to kick me out because I kept outshining everyone around me."

Cullen looked surprised, "I really find it hard to believe you could ever be seen as unattractive."

I chuckled, "That's sweet of you to say, but the people there were strict in what was considered beautiful. Sure it changed from time to time, but the era I lived in put emphasis on people like Flissa there – tall, thin, pretty with a bountiful chest and curvy bum. If you could grab your gut, you were considered fat and somehow less… worthy of love. I also suffer with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. Being in the Navy… I saw things and did things. I have survivors' guilt because… why did I live when my comrades were more deserving – they had more to live for. No one wanted someone with that much baggage unless they had their own."

"Does that tie in to your… ahem… you being a sucker for a tragic backstory?" he was red.

I chuckled, "I never thought of it like that – but it makes sense."

"You know what happened in Kinlock, you said?"

"Well… not entirely. I know the generalities – starting with Jowan destroying his Phylactery and when Elissa entered the tower to save it. I don't know exactly what they did to you and I won't press for details if you aren't ready for that. I know talking it out with the Navy Doc helped me with the Hostage Situation in Afghanistan. It helped when I went in and… well; I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say I'm kind of glad my body reverted to before all that torture and what got me my Medals in the first place. It's nice to have all my fingers back."

He paled, "You… survived such situations?"

"I not only survived – I was the reason for getting us out of them. This medal – it's called the Purple Heart – I got for getting injured in the line of duty. I have three of them. The Silver Star denotes Valor in Combat – like when I saved my unit in… doesn't matter. The Medal of Honor – the highest honor that can be bestowed on any armed forces personnel – was awarded for 'Conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty'; I have two of those. For the first, I rushed through an active mine field – explosives every misstep – to save some kids; that's all. I did what any decent person would do. I told the president at the time that I didn't need an award for doing the right thing. He insisted, and that little medal was what netted me the position of Admiral 2 years later."

Cullen was smiling, "Maker – how could anyone be run off by someone as brave…"

I cut him off, "It wasn't bravery – I had a mother begging me to save her son. Those kids were braver than I was – they survived that mess long enough for help to arrive. The only reason I got the stupid medal was because I had to kill a few terrorists after crossing the mine field. I didn't earn that medal that day, Commander – the kids did."

Flissa arrived with my plate at that moment. Her hand patted my shoulder – she had been listening. I smiled at her, "I'd appreciate if you didn't spread that around, darling."

She laughed, "A bit late for that. If you didn't want people to know, you shouldn't talk in the open like this."

I looked around with a flush – she was right, everyone was listening intently. I cleared my throat and said, "So much for keeping a low profile. I just spouted several things that I didn't want people to know. Oh, well – could be worse. I didn't say where all my tattoos are."

Flissa gave me a playful grin, "You have more than just the necklace?"

"I have 6 – the necklace was the first, but this one on my arm was gotten for my birthday… yesterday; Four-leaf clover, the sign of good luck where I was raised. I chose the blue color because of my love for the open seas."

She laughed, "What about the other four?"

I gave her a playful grin, "Now, now, Flissa darling, a woman has to have some mystery to keep the men guessing, don't they. If you watch me spar with the Commander tomorrow you'll find all but one of them and you'll have to guess where number six is."

She flushed a little, "What time is the… match?"

"About Dawn – I get up every morning for daily exercise before the sun is up for the past few years so my body doesn't let me sleep longer no matter how late I turn in."

"I just might be there."

Cullen chuckled, "I see what you mean about the… flirting."

I laughed as Flissa walked off, "So… this is honeyed Ale?"

He sipped and nodded. "Seems to be – is that an issue?"

"Not at all – Honey has amazing health benefits and I've always wanted to try it. I could just… never find a place when I was off-ship."

I sipped at the ale and smiled before looking to the plate Flissa brought me. The woman was a saint, I swear – Steak, mashed potatoes with white gravy and green beans. I started in on the steak – rare, my favorite.

Cullen chuckled, "Did you like the ale?"

"It's good – I still prefer harder liquor but this is good."

"Harder…?" he asked. I nodded, "Yeah – whisky, moonshine, tequila and the like. Wine is good on occation, but usually, if I'm drinking – it's gonna be a fun night."

"So, tell me more about yourself?" he pressed.

"Oh… what do you want to know? We could play 20 questions," I smirked.

"Is that as easy as it sounds?"

I snorted, knowing people were still listening, "Pretty much. So, you ask a question – then I answer it. Then it would be my turn to ask. If one of us refuses to answer, the asker gets to pick a new question. You can only pass on one question per turn."

"That is fairly simple… who goes first?"

"Age before beauty," I quipped. He laughed – and being too much of a gentleman to point out that I was older by almost double his age, he went first.

"What was your favorite pastime as a sailor?"

"Oh that's easy – reading books." I said. He likely thought I meant the Dragon Age stories, but no – I meant all books. I had read the bible, science books, plumbing, electric, romance, fantasy, non-fiction… with a photographic memory, I had no need to read something more than once. During my mandatory vacations after each new Hero medal, I ended up building my own home – did the wiring and plumbing and codes all on my own, too.

He chuckled, "I should have seen that one coming, actually."

"My turn – as a survivor of several events, do you ever get any sleep, or do you need some of the meds I take to fall asleep without dreaming?"

He blinked, "You have something that could…? The answer is that when I do sleep, it's difficult to stay asleep. I am often woken not long after I finally succumb; either by my own dreams or people needing me."

I reached into my bag and slid a bottle of Trazadone across the table – 25mg pills. "Take only one to get to sleep at first. If that doesn't work, tell me and I'll tell you what to do next. These are 25 milligrams – so fairly a soft dose. I have to take 100mg to get to sleep and 200 for more than 4 hours of sleep. I don't recommend going that high so fast. Side effects can include but are not limited to, Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea or constipation; dizziness, fatigue, muscle pain, rash, shaking, anxiety, and uh… well…"

He looked worried, "What?"

"Prolonged painful erections in men…" I said with a slightly red face. He snorted, "Any other side effects I should be aware of?" I guess he wasn't worried about that one.

"Don't take it more than once every other night or every few nights – it can create dependence of it; like any drug, really. But if you experience any of the symptoms you must let me know at once – if I am not around, stop taking them until you can talk to me first."

He nodded and set the bottle somewhere in his mantle. "Back to the game – you said you had no family?"

"Well, not really. Those of us in the foster system were all one big family, I guess – in most cases, anyway. I never really fit with everyone else due to my extra strength and ability to remember everything. The older one of us got, the lower our chances of getting adopted. If you were still in the system when you hit 18 you were kicked out to find your own way no matter what. I was lucky enough to have a good job by then, and I had already taken a loan to go to medical school since I graduated from my schooling years early. But after I left the system, I had no one – no friends, no family… I was alone in the world from then on." Mostly… I did have one friend – more like a brother, but I couldn't get to him now.

"Maker… I can't imagine."

"Oh, I'm sure you could – you don't keep contact with your family and keep to yourself."

"But they're still there – I still have them." he muttered. I shrugged, "My turn… what is your favorite color?"

He laughed, "Is it not glaringly obvious? I prefer brown colors. What about you?"

"Whisky amber – like your eyes," I knew the answer was cheesy, but I could not resist. He flushed and I heard people around us laughing. I chuckled, "Okay, what was Hawke like – in your opinion?"

"Hawke was… honorable enough. A bit of a smartass, but a good man at least. He stood with the Templars during the rebellion, but still allowed the mages who turned themselves over to live at my request. He killed Anders – you know that though. He was made Viscount for a while – even as a mage – but stepped down when tensions grew higher and the War started. I feel silly for it now, but I once told him that mages could not be…"

"I know – I found it hilarious that you said that to Hawke when he was a mage himself. I could just imagine him nodding along with his hand glowing white with frost magic as he sipped from a mug."

"If he'd had a mug, you may have been right, actually – that was exactly the sort of thing Hawke would do," he laughed. I finished my food as he asked his next question, "What will you do if you are the Lost Cousland?"

I sat back with a sigh, "I… I don't know. I've never had a family before and if it turns out I am… would they even want me – to get to know me or just… no, I think it better I'm not her. At least then I don't get my hopes up on having a family for once only to have that hope dashed if they push me away. I was raised an orphan not a noble – sure, I was an advisor to the 'crown' of my lands, but I worked to get there. I struggled every day of my childhood wondering if I'd get enough to eat or if the bullies would come back – because I tried to limit my strength, I made an easy target. If it helps, I may just cut my last name off and call it a day."

"You'd give up your last name just to avoid the issue?"

"Not avoid – negate. Teyrn Cousland and Queen Elissa may believe me to be an imposter and I really don't care to think that I am Her Majesties sister. If losing my last name will cut down on the troubles that the inquisition faces, I don't really mind. The only question would be how to go about it? Do I just tell people to call me Celeste or Admiral, or should I get married and call it a day?"

His eyes widened, "You would get married just to avoid conflict with the throne?"

"That's your third question, Commander – without answering one for me. I would get married in a heartbeat if I thought it would help the cause. Now, it is my turn while you walk me to that Cabin past the training area. What is the fur on your coat made of?"

He chuckled as he stood and offered me his arm, "Red Lion pelt. We had to kill a pack of them for wondering too close to Haven and… I still have three or four pelts in my command tent."

My eyes widened, "Damn… I happen to know how big and fast those things get, Commander. Who took them down?"

"Oh… the pelts I have are the ones I killed personally. Leliana killed the other 5 from the pack; single arrow to the eye on each of those ones. And your third question…?"

We had reached the cabin before I decided – I debated the whole walk if I should ask.

"For my third question – and of course, feel free to say no to this… will you kiss me?"

He flushed, "We've… only just met and…"

I chuckled, "Say no more – I understand, Commander. The pills… remember to only take one on a night you feel you won't sleep at all without them. And come to me at once if you experience any of the side effects I mentioned. Or anything that is out of the norm for you – understand? There are other types of sleep meds we could try so don't feel like that is your only choice."

He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "Was the… was… the last side effect you mentioned – was that serious?"

"Yes – it's an actual side effect for men. Another is thoughts of suicide so please come to me and stop taking it if you experience anything – there are other types of meds we could try."

"I give you my word, Admiral. Lyrium, as you well know from your stories, is a far worse drug than this."

"That's true – and by the way, I know for a fact that you will get through the withdrawal of kicking Lyrium. And you will stay as Commander – you can do it, Cullen… because you did it before."

He gave me a puzzled look, "I have?"

"When Kinlock was under attack, you had no Lyrium, right? In fact, your withdrawal will be worse than most people because it will trigger the memories of the tower – but you will get through it and you will win. You are the Commander – was failure ever an option?"

He smiled brilliantly at me, "You have no idea how much it helps me to hear you say that and to know… thank you."

I chuckled, "You deserved to know – most people don't know if they'll make it to the end of that particular tunnel."

He bit his lip for a moment and I got distracted watching that scar move; it was quite attractive, but made my heart hurt at the thought he had been injured so close to vital organs – like the brain.

Before I realized what was happening, he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I was caught off guard for a moment before returning the kiss as my hands rested on his arms. The kiss swiftly gained heat and ferocity – as though neither of us could control ourselves after. Before I realized what happened, my back was against the cabin and my hands gripped his arms tightly. It was intoxicating and more than I could have ever hoped for in a kiss.

When he pulled away he rested his forehead against mine. "Makers' Breath… that was…"

"That was a kiss – I think… it all happened so fast, I can't quite be sure. I think we should do that again and find out," I teased. He laughed as he pulled away, "I fear if we do then I may not be a gentleman much longer; a surprising thought for me as I never uh… move so fast. I've never felt… such intensity when kissing before."

I smiled at him, "Nor I – but then…"

My smile faded as I realized what I'd been about to say. "What is it?" he asked.

I shook my head, "It doesn't matter; just know that even if this goes nowhere, that was the best kiss I could have hoped for. Thank you for walking me to the Cabin, Commander – I'll see you bright and early for sparring."

He nodded and said, "Right… tomorrow."

As he walked off, I contemplated. I had never been so chatty with anyone before – but with the commander, I found I couldn't keep a secret to save my life; or at least my heart. I couldn't believe I had almost told him that if Afghanistan hadn't happened, I'd have been a virgin when I was sucked into the rift. As it was, that happened when I was 35 – so if my body was truly back to 24, I was once more… innocent, so to speak.

I went to bed after pulling on a silk pajama set.