Hey everyone! I've spend about a month working in this project. It was really hard, but I'm happy with the way it turned out. I hope it's as pleasant to read as it was for me to write it. It will be 3 chapters containing some Kizuna spoilers (so if you still haven't watched it, I suggest you do because it's amazing!), so you may not want to read it in case you don't want to be spoiled. I was strongly inspired by Knife of Day's song "Boku ni Totte" for the titles. So basically, each chapter will reflect Yamato's thoughts and feelings about his life after Kizuna. Feedback is appreciated. I hope you enjoy it! xx
The guitar chords coming from an apartment in one of highest floors in the building seemed really melancholic. Thrown on his small couch, a young blonde man sang a lyric that could rhyme to the melody. The sound of his instrument was a little off due to the time it hasn't been touched. He didn't really care about it though; it became just a hobby now, anyway.
A glass of beer was placed on his table. He bent over to grab it and took a long sip. He didn't really like the taste of it when he first drank, but eventually grew to enjoy it because of how much his best friend poured him a glass of the beverage whenever they hung out together. He just couldn't say no. He doesn't drink very often, but it sort of became a habit to him for the past two weeks. A way to deal with the reality and the pain.
The clouds were half sprinkled in gold, a reflection from the last rays of light before the sunset. The sky had a pink tone, which contrasted perfectly with the white from the clouds and the golden sprayed on them. Just like that day.
The guitar chords ceased when darkness began to fill his room and the instrument was carefully placed by the window. The blonde finally had the courage of going outside after spending about two weeks locked inside his apartment all by himself. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone. No one could understand him anyway.
The hot summer breeze messed his hair, but he didn't seem to mind. He leaned against the grid and the wind touched his bare chest. It was very rare to see him shirtless, but he allowed himself not to wear it during extremely hot days like this one. A white shirt was thrown over his left shoulder.
His bedroom door let to a balcony with the most amazing view he could ever ask for. Not too far, there was a huge lake he'd often go to whenever he needed to reflect about something. He was certain he would have loved going there too, but they never really got the chance to.
The memories still lingering in his mind as he closed his eyes. It was almost like he could feel his presence beside him. Even the last words they shared still seemed so real to him.
"A harmonica!"
"I got a new one. I felt like playing."
"Let me hear it."
Yamato instinctively reached down his pocket, grabbed his harmonica and started playing. He has been playing the same song since he was a child, but it always brings a peaceful sensation for him. He never played it for anyone, only for people who actually mattered a lot to him. Mostly Takeru, Sora… and Gabumon.
However, the peaceful sensation was replaced by a sharp pain in his chest. The blonde fought to keep the tears threatening to fall inside. He didn't want to cry more than he already had. Soon the melody took over him and he stopped fighting. The tears created many stains on his body and on his bare foot. He didn't exactly like not wearing any shoes, but he decided to enjoy more little things and do things he wasn't used to or didn't like to do.
"What about tomorrow? What are you going to do?
"That's a good question."
Tomorrow. It's just a simple word for those who have everything planned out and didn't have to worry about the future. But to him, back then, was a word he feared. He feared making the wrong decision and regretting it, and not having a second chance. His future was on the line. Not only his, but also the ones from his loved ones. He inhaled the hot air and breathed out slowly, taking away all his worries and insecurities on that matter.
These weeks he spent by himself also allowed him to reflect about what he wanted for his life regarding work and college. He decided to continue studying to pursue his dream to become an astronaut. It was a tough decision to make, as they both promised to go together. The recent events made him think of finding a job instead, but promises aren't meant to be broken. This has been his dream since he was 17 and he was not about to give up easily. He was doing this for both of them. He knew Gabumon would be proud of him wherever he was.
He also reflected about love. He and Sora have been so caught up at their own things and figuring out what they wanted to do after college that they barely have time to be together. The only contact they had was through text messages whenever they had spare time. Their schedules didn't match, so he'd often receive or send a reply several hours later. He was aware that this could be a bad thing, and hoped it was just a phase and things would settle down before he knew it.
He missed her, though. He looked up at the sky and smiled. He was surer than ever about how he felt about her. He could only hope she felt the same as him. He grabbed his phone and a sudden urge to call her overwhelmed him. He needed to hear her voice, though deep down he was sure she would be busy with something and ignore him like the other times, only to return it several hours later. He was very proud of the person she was trying to be, but he's always been nonetheless. He always admired her determination to achieve what she wanted.
As the dark blue sky advanced above him, he found himself sitting by the lake. He threw a rock on it just to see the small waves it would create. Once again, it was like he could feel his presence. It was also by a lake that he digivolved into Garurumon for the first time. He couldn't help but smile, thinking of how he risked himself in order to protect Takeru. Those were great times where he didn't have to worry about bills to pay, college, work and everything that adulthood would bring along.
Takeru. He had grown into such a strong and gentle young man who had just started his own path as well. Yamato was very proud of him and was sure he would be a really successful writer within no time. He could only guess that living together with their mother had a strong influence in the career he wanted to pursue. He developed his passion for writing while still a teenager and he began writing a column for a newspaper under a nickname. He felt so excited and motivated when he received his first positive feedbacks. He was now starting to write a novel about their adventures as Destined Children, but he won't let him read it first. He was sure it would be great, though. His brother knows really well how to use words.
He sent several messages over these past weeks, but Yamato just couldn't reply to them then. He knew it would have him worried though. And it did, indeed. Besides the messages, there were many missed calls. He would get back to him within no time. Or maybe not.
A figure joined him in his moment of reflection, but didn't dare to say a word. He knew too well words weren't necessary in moments like these. The older blonde couldn't help but smile at their strong bond.
"So you found me."
"Well, it didn't really take me much effort to do so. You may have grown, but your ways of escaping are pretty much the same."
"So I'm predictable like that." Yamato let out a sigh and looked down. "Isn't it late for you to be outside?"
"I'm 19. I'm not a kid anymore. Plus, mom knows I'm here. We've been worried about you."
"I had to grieve on my own. It was a lot to take."
Takeru swallowed hard. As much as he wanted to say he understood his brother, he really didn't. He couldn't even imagine how he would be if he lost his connection with Patamon forever. Just thinking about it already made him shiver in pain.
"Exactly."
"Still, you didn't need to shut me and mom out."
"I just couldn't see you knowing Patamon is always with you."
Takeru simply nodded and returned his attention to the lake ahead. He hoped he would never get to experience such pain. "Koushiro is trying desperately to find a way to get around this for you and Taichi. We were all deeply touched by the whole situation as well, though none of us could ever imagine what you two must have felt and are still feeling."
"It was the hardest moment I'd ever faced. Not in a million years I would think our connection would be lost forever." Yamato brought his knees close to his chest and embraced them.
"None of us would. None of us would want that. They have been with us for so many years we just can't be without them anymore. They remind us of everything we went through while kids and teenagers."
The older brother swallowed hard, absorbing his brother's words. As much as he appreciated Takeru's efforts to comfort him, he just wasn't ready to openly talk about this yet. So he just kept quiet, and the younger one understood the hint.
"I'm sorry, I'm rambling."
"That's okay. I know you mean well."
"I just hope you know I'm always here for you. Even when I can't really understand what you are going through."
Yamato placed a hand on his shoulder and grabbed it lightly. Takeru looked at it with a smile.
"How did you find me?"
"I stopped by your apartment and didn't find you. It turns out this area of the park is very well-illuminated and we can have a pretty panoramic vision of it from your balcony. I have to admit you choose a good place to rent." He paused for some seconds. "Your place is a mess though. It needs serious cleaning as soon as possible. You also left it unlocked. It was a surprise no one walked in and stole something."
Yamato didn't reply. Takeru turned his head to face his brother, but something caught his attention halfway. He took notice of his digivice on his hand. He must have grabbed at some point he didn't see. The arm that was holding it was trembling and Yamato used his other one to stop it. The writer looked at him with concerned eyes and saw his own filled with tears.
"I'm sorry." The older one managed to say though his voice failed. "I tried my best not to cry again."
"Yamato." Takeru came closer to him and hugged him. Tears appeared in the corner of his eyes as well. "You can cry as much as you want to. You shouldn't hold it in, let it out."
"I miss him, Takeru." He finally gave in and hugged him back as tight as he could. "I miss him so much!"
"I know you do. It was a huge and painful thing. None of us were expecting it. Koushiro is working day and night to find a way to bring him back."
"I didn't want it to be like that." He cried. "I was the one who made him disappear."
"Don't ever say that again! You weren't responsible for it! I know you wouldn't do that at all! So please don't blame yourself for it."
"You saw how I didn't want to take him with me to college."
"Yeah, so? Of course you wouldn't, he wasn't supposed to go with you there."
"I was pushing him away unconsciously."
"You weren't! There are certain places he couldn't go with you and he was fully aware of that."
"Was he?" Yamato pulled away from the hug and stared at Takeru. "I doubt it."
"Of course! He realized you grew up and I have no doubt he was more than happy and proud of the man you've become."
"I feel like I keep pushing people away."
"I know it's just your outside façade. I know you don't want to do that, but you're still afraid of getting hurt. And you don't seem to realize you're the one hurting yourself by pushing them away."
"I'm sorry I hurt you." Tears fell from his eyes again.
"You didn't hurt me, brother." He said with a reassuring smile. "I worry about you. I really wanted to be around and help you get through this, but I knew this was something you had to go through by yourself. It killed me the missed calls and unanswered messages, though."
Takeru brought his knees close to his chest and watched the lake ahead, now completely dark because of the night. He was good with words, but he didn't know how to comfort his brother the way he wanted to.
"Tomorrow… who knows?"
"I know. Tomorrow… together…"
Yamato lay down on the grass and contemplated the sky full of stars. Soon enough, he would be going all the way past there into the space. He had to admit it was a thought that still frightened him, as he didn't know what to expect.
"We were supposed to go to the space together."
"What?" Takeru looked down at him. "To the space?"
"Yeah, I finally figured out what I want to do after college. I wanna become an astronaut."
"That's so great, Yamato!" Takeru said excitedly. "You've been fascinated by the outer space for quite a few years now."
The older blonde smiled. Takeru had always been a very cheerful person, always bringing people up and encouraging them to follow their dreams or pushing them into doing something they wanted to but were afraid of.
"I haven't seen you this determined for a while, I'm glad to see it again. Does Sora know about this?"
Yamato bit his lower lip and avoided any eye contact with his brother. However, he caught on his gestures and shook his head in disapproval.
"You two fought?"
"Not really. I'm not sure. I mean, she did get angry because of my motorcycle."
"Geez, Yamato. I warned you."
"And I told you I had to." He looked at him. "Anyway, it seems we barely have time for each other lately."
"And that bothers you."
"I'm glad she's so focused on finding her own path. She's finishing her graduation soon. I didn't want to bother her with my problems." He sighed. "But I miss her."
"You know she'd be here in a heartbeat if she knew about all of this, right?"
"I do. And that's the reason why I couldn't tell her."
"Seriously, Yamato?! She's your freaking girlfriend!"
"Do you even know Sora at all? She'd stay here until she made sure I got over it and forget all about her own things. I couldn't do this to her."
"And instead you shut her out." He said exasperated. "I can never understand your reasoning. This is the perfect chance to get over whatever happened between you and her."
"You're right, okay? You're right!" Yamato nearly yelled. "I don't want to be the sticky type of boyfriend. And I don't want her to think I'm pitiful or something."
"Oh God!" Takeru slapped his face lightly. "I swear sometimes your mind is still your 14 year old version and hadn't grown up at all."
"I get that you're the more mature one of the two of us."
"You're so mature about certain things, but you keep messing up things with Sora. You don't realize the amazing woman you have."
"I do." Yamato protested. "Have I not just told you I'm glad she's following her own path?"
"You have, and you should be. But you know her better than I do. You know she'd want to help you through this moment."
"I do, Takeru. But I just… I don't know."
"What would Gabumon want you to do?"
Yamato raised his eyebrows at Takeru. "That's a low move. Where did you learn this?"
"Just answer the damn question."
He tightened his grip around his digivice, still a rock. What would Gabumon want him to do?
"He would want me to open up to her and let her know about everything that's happened." He said after some seconds of thinking. "And he would definitely call me out for shutting her out."
"So there you go."
"You two are unbelievable." He said with a smile. "Okay, okay. I'll tell her."
And that's how he finally grew up.
