Chapter Twenty-Six

Redcliffe


Leaving Val Royeaux was interesting – I was only just realizing how much of a time crunch you were on in the beginning and I hated it. No wonder it took two years after Cory died to close all the rifts left in his wake.

Honestly, we were actually making really good time. And since this meeting with Fiona in Redcliffe was in Harvestmere and the Winter Ball wasn't until Wintermarch, we had some time in between the two events to move forward with the minor things in each area.

And right after that ball – a month – was my official wedding to Alistair and the public wedding to Cullen. For some strange reason, I had a funny feeling about that wedding. I was excited – and no, I didn't think anything bad was going to happen – I just felt that something was going to happen. I hope Blake didn't hire a clown. I would be pissed.

We introduced Bull to my travel games – Krem kindly informed me that the Charges would also play games while traveling… just usually it was I Spy.

I flirted like mad with Krem just to fuck with Bull – and for the same reason, he flirted back. We had a mutual agreement that we would back off after my wedding and I had already warned my men about this. I liked Krem – he had BFF potential and was living up to it.

Alistair had just sighed and said 'as long as it's the harmless kind of flirting'. Cullen had agreed. I told them that if they wanted me to stop, I would. Neither had asked me to stop.

The current Question of the game was 'Most awkward sexual experience?' – that was from Bull.

I was the last to answer, "Er… penalty."

"You're not going to answer?" Krem asked.

"I'm new to sex – like… other than a bad experience about 30 years ago that wasn't… my preference… Cullen was my first. So… like… I can't… I'm very uncomfortable answering that particular question." I explained.

Krem all but glared Bull down hearing that. Bull frowned, "The guys dead?"

"Deader than doornails – the lot of them. Killed in the rescue mission – I mean, I consented to it, but only to save the other women… it's a long story and one I've shared far too often these days. I really wish I could get drunk, but being a Cousland means that it isn't possible. Blake went berserk when he learned about the fact that the group of guys got me… before beating it out of me… ahem. So, I'll take the penalty here – pick an article of clothing for me to strip."

We were playing 'one-shot' – no second question, just straight to penalty. He glanced at Krem – now actually glaring at him – before saying, "Er… bra?"

"Don't wear one – try again." I hadn't worn one since waking up in Thedas. No damn point when the armor I was given by Harritt doubled as one.

"Damn… damn, boss. Fine – gloves. Krem will kill me right now if I say top."

I laughed and took off my gloves. The funny thing is, Bull had been trying to find a question that I wouldn't answer for three days now – just so he could get my top off. And now that it happened, he didn't follow through because of how the question went.

"Alright – my turn. Worst wound you've ever lived through?" Cassandra asked.

Bull just pointed to his eye, "Got it in a bar fight."

"Saving Krem," I added. Both looked at me. Krem grinned, "Didn't even know me – and just stepped in and took out the ones after me, losing his eye in the process. I don't hide it, but he has a new answer every time someone asks."

"Well, he didn't lie – it was done in a bar, right?" I asked.

Krem nodded, "My worst was when they discovered I was biologically a woman – tried to kill me on my way out of the camp; got a dagger to the back, just barely missed my heart. I got lucky."

"Yours had to be the arrow to the chest, right?" Blackwall asked.

"Nope – I tripped and had a fight with a table. Ask Cullen – I already told him that I had a scar from here to here from that incident. Blake never let me live that one down since it blinded this eye and almost killed me – it just barely missed the major artery here. It wasn't the only one that almost killed me, but I consider it my worst in large part due to it being a stupid accident. Now, you want one with a story, I had a nice heart shaped scar on my ass from where I sat on a cookie cutter while… ahem, never mind."

"No – I need to hear this!" Varric cried.

I smirked, "Maybe later – other people haven't answered."

"You're a bitch," Sera reiterated.

I laughed and sang out, "I'm a bitch; I'm a lover; I'm a child; I'm a mother; I'm a sinner; I'm a saint; and I do not feel ashamed!"

"I'd like to hear the whole song…" Maxwell asked.

"When we camp, sure. It's a favorite of mine."

So when we made camp, I did sing it… no surprise that pretty much everyone liked it… then Varric pressed for the story about the cookie cutter. No – I didn't tell him.


When we rode up to Redcliffe Village, I could see many people pointing and eager to let me in after the rift was dealt with. I had already warned my people about it being different so none of them were too surprised.

We walked through – leaving our mounts near the gates with some eager stable-hands.

I chose to wait to 'recruit' Tanner until we finished in the Tavern with Fiona – however, I did make a few stops to collect missions. I showed a picture to the old man that I had cleaned his wife's grave and placed fresh flowers on it already, the damn goat had already come back from Lake Luthias and apparently it already told the man about me… demons, man.

In the tavern, I recruited Clemence – the tranquil that didn't want to 'disappear' like the others. I then approached Fiona with a bright smile, "Fiona!"

"Inquisitor…? First Enchanter Vivienne," she gave a graceful head-bow to the woman that had – somehow – met us at the gates to the city. I was honestly surprised to see the woman – she had been going to go to Haven… right?

"My dear Fiona. It's been so long since we last spoke. You look dreadful. Are you sleeping well?" Viv was a bitch – I kind of liked it.

"What has brought the Inquisition to Redcliffe?" Fiona ignored the Jab.

I chuckled, "I was right, guys – she doesn't remember coming to Val Royeaux to invite me here. I'm hurt – here I thought we had such a lovely chat about your son, Fifi; and how he and I get along so well."

She paled only ever so slightly, "You… must be mistaken. I haven't been to Val Royeaux since before the Conclave… and I don't have a son."

"You do – and by the way, I told him all about his real mother. He's eager to meet you in that capacity; poor lad is so family driven that he's all but adopted anyone he calls a friend. Like Varric here is the family nuisance," I quipped.

Varric gave a slight bow, "I'm flattered."

"Right – and anyway; we already know the deal here. Alexius is in 'charge'… for the moment. I more came to gather you and a friend here. But I know you won't leave the people here."

"Magister Alexius? Fiona dear, your Dementia is showing," Viv quipped – yeah; she was smart. She caught on to what was happening the moment I said it.

Fiona blinked, "Indeed, Inquisitor – as one indentured to a magister, I no longer possess the authority to negotiate with you."

"Fiona, darling – an alliance with Tevinter… you do know that every mage you've promised him will have 10 mandatory years in the military before they can even be considered slaves – let alone citizens – right?"

"No… he told me…" she looked sick and I quipped, "Yes – because Tevinter magisters are so trustworthy these days. Tell me, dear – did you even read the contract first? I bet it was in the fine print – all the bad stuff is always written smaller so that people overlook it."

Alexius cut in, "So – you're the prophet herald, then?" he was 5'8 with red and silver clothes covering pretty much all but his face. I could tell his hair was black only because of his eyebrows and the stubble along his tanned chin. He had a squared face, and – unfairly, in my opinion – was kind of good looking. His eyes were a soulful brown color. I would enjoy taking him down.

I smirked, "It's such a shame, isn't it? You can contact me later, Gereon; maybe I can help cure your son from the Taint in his veins – after all, I have someone working on that as we speak. For now, I have someone to meet elsewhere in Redcliffe. Ta, Gereon – oh, on that note. The Elder One doesn't give a shit about curing Felix – it's in his best interest to keep Felix tainted in order to keep you under his thumb. Thanks for the… stimulating chat. Contact me when you're ready to… chat."

I turned and walked out – 'bumping' into Felix on my way out. I took the note and said, "You may want to get your sons' powders, Gereon – he's not looking too well. Think over what I said; Felix only has a short window before he can't be given any extra time."

The others followed me out. I let out a sharp breath – thankful that I had recruited Clemence before even talking to Fiona. That would have been a waste of a good exit if I'd had to walk right back in.

"You're leaving them in Redcliffe? You're engaged to the king – kick them out," Cass argued.

"I'm Queen-in-waiting, Cass – I don't have the authority to kick people out of a bar, let alone the country. I'm not the queen yet. Only Alistair has that power. He'll be here in about two weeks – it'll take one for Alexius to contact me for a meeting. Alistair will arrive the same day that we meet with ser doofus in there at the castle. Relax – I have it under control… now, let's go recruit an Altus from Tevinter."

"The one you said would be… my Kadan?" Bull actually looked a little nervous.

"Yeah – that one. But don't come on too strong yet – he's half-hiding that he's gay at the moment. Wait until I give you the signal to start flirting with him." I winked.

I caught sight of Alexius, Fiona and Felix heading hurriedly off – likely for those powders that I mentioned.

I recruited the smuggler – we would certainly need her. Then, we headed into the Chantry and saw Dorian – he was 5'10 with beautiful, silky black hair, tanned skin and wearing that armor that was missing a sleeve. His staff was twirling too fast for me to get a good look at it and he was almost over-run with Shades.

He caught sight of me – my arms crossed and an amused smirk on my lips – and quipped, "Good – you're finally here. Now help me close this, would you?"

"I Suppose that I can do that," I hummed and pulled my pistol, shooting the shades. They had a special weak spot, I'd discovered. The head on a shade was thick enough to all but stop the bullet and couldn't promise a one-shot-one-kill situation… but the underbelly?

One clip was all I needed in each of my pistols to kill all the demons and Max strolled up and closed it.

Dorian was looking between the guns I had holstered and Maxs' hand as he said, "Fascinating – how do those work exactly? I bet you don't even know – you just wiggle your fingers and boom – rift closes."

"Dorian Pavus – Altus of Tevinter," I started, "I suggest backing away from the man courting a Seeker. Just a tip, you know. I know – he's so pretty and you can't resist, but honey really – isn't he your distant cousin or something?"

Dorian jolted, "There are a few Trevelyans in the Pavus family tree… how did you know?"

"The stories aren't just for show, sweetie. I'm Celeste Rutherford; Queen-In-Waiting and Arlessa of Denerim. You're cute – so I'll give you a pass on trying to flirt with my templar-trained Herald." I grinned.

"The pretty ones are the worst," Bull huffed – but I heard the slight flirty undertone.

"Suspicious friends you have here, Princess." Dorian sounded amused.

"Let one Tevinter in and suddenly they're scurrying out of all the walls like roaches," Vivienne huffed.

"Now, now – I'm ever so much more handsome than a cockroach." Dorian quipped. I grinned, "That you are – but… I'd really say prettier. How do you get such shiny hair, Dori? On and I would kill for lashes that beautiful. It's usually wasted on men, anyway – but not you."

"It's called soap." He quipped before coming closer to examine my hair, "Ugh – you must use Ferelden Soap. I'll lend you some of mine; careful, it's imbued with a bit of magic." He said while handing me a bottle.

"Oooh – you just became my new favorite. I didn't find anything this nice-smelling while I was in Orlais; and I actually looked. Oh and welcome to the Inquisition. We do plan to oust Alexius from Redcliffe so you're welcome to tag along as early as now… you sneaky ass – this has an aphrodisiac in the scent." I muttered.

"How else do I keep my charm? Still want it?" he asked with a laugh.

I pulled it out of his reach and said, "It won't go to waste on me. I have a very pretty husband. Feel free to look – but he prefers red-heads like me and the King. Oh – and I have the king too. He's also very pretty. Of course, if either of them was interested in you, I might be willing to share. Pity. That's okay – I think the Qunari is eyeing you."

"Like I said – pretty," Bull agreed.

"… You know." Dorian said.

"Was I not supposed to? I'm sorry if I outed you and you weren't ready…" I felt bad now.

"No, no – it's not like I really hide it. In fact, that was my fathers' problem; that I wouldn't enter a sham marriage and force myself to lie with a woman once in a while to produce an heir… I just didn't expect you to be flirting with me if you knew." Dorian reassured me.

"Oh, come on – you're very pretty, Dorian; how could I not? Besides, the Orlesians will find it scandalous." I laughed.

Viv huffed, "You already have two men, Darling – will they be okay with this?"

"Oh yeah – I told them that Dorian won't be interested in more than witty banter and a few flirts at most. They might even join in to fuck with Blake; my better half, Dori. He's quite literally me in the body of a man. Including our preference for men, though we do like women on occasion."

Dorian looked intrigued, "Is that so?"

"Yeah – he wants Bull, he wants you, he wants my husband and fiancée… he's trying really hard to secure a night in Cullens' bed, but all he did was make my husband uncomfortable."

"What does he look like?" Dori asked.

I held out a pic, "Just a warning – if you flirt with him, then you better be prepared to allow Bull into the bed too – Blake was warned about something and won't try for just one of you." I shrugged with amusement on my face.

I sighed after that, "Also, I may have fucked up – I don't think Felix will be joining us. He played the illness card and I uh… I gave Alexius a bit of hope so he'll be talking with Felix…"

"Hope?" Dorian asked softly.

"I don't know that it would delay his death very long, but… Wardens take the taint into themselves, Dorian. That's how they are what they are and do what they do. I could convince my sister to try the Joining on Felix. He's been tainted for so long that I know it would work; I just don't know how long it would give him. If the taint is too far advanced, it won't give him any extra time at all."

"I see…"

"And with Alexius ripping the space-time continuum here… playing with time-magic is very dangerous. It could accelerate Felixs' illness but Mr. Magister doesn't seem to realize that. I know you helped develop this magic, Dori – help us stop him."

"… I'll help you – that's why I'm here. Did you tell Alexius that his magic…?"

"No; honestly, I only just thought of it. I also didn't tell him that my solution might not work. I want him off-balanced. You can't exactly stay in Redcliffe if you don't want Alexius to know you're here. Leave with us."

He nodded slowly, "I will."

"Good – off we go then. Make sure to keep your face covered – wouldn't want dear old Alexius to get wind of you." I quipped.

"But my face is my best feature." Dorian quipped.

"No, honey – your personality is; face is second best," I said. He laughed, "At least tell me that I'm the most handsome man you've met."

"Third," I replied as we left the chantry. He gasped, scandalized, "Third?"

"Honey, I have two men – one is my husband and the other is my fiancée. What am I supposed to say when they're both jealous bastards? Besides – my husband is like… part Avvar and he's so tall and muscular and he trains in a thin white shirt if he wears a shirt at all… you'll like him. You're not a red-head, so you're not his type, but you'll like him. And Alistair… the man is a Dragon in human skin; if I give bedroom details on either of them, you'd be jealous." I replied.

He hummed, "Well… I'll have to see it to believe it."

"Don't worry – I already secured a supply line for Tevinter wines and ales for you. And marshmallows and Maras-Lok for bull. I went out of my way and secured a few things for various people. Krem – I saw the black nug with the pretty dark-gold accents… I want that one when it's done."

"Starting a collection, your worship?" he asked in amusement.

"… I'm a sucker for cute things. I used to collect pillows, you know; the softer, the better." I shrugged.

"Pillows?" Bull asked.

"Books, pillows and nail polish. It's not like I had a nice chest to sleep on at the time – so pillows," I smirked.

Bull laughed, "Come on – I got to be worth like 3 of Cullen; in terms of pillow value."

"Uh-huh – but no. Cullen does this thing… well, he wouldn't want me to kiss and tell, but I doubt you could do the same," I knew my eyes glinted mischievously.

"… Now I need to know, boss," Bull growled out.

"Hmm – no, I don't think you need to know… you do well enough on your own. But you know… you have dragon horns and your people 'descend from dragons'… why aren't you called The Iron Dragon?"

"… Shit – that is much cooler," he pouted.

Success – I had distracted him. I added, "For Ben-Hassrath, you're not the brightest flame on the candle, hmm?"

Dorian did as I anticipated, "We have a Ben-Hassrath with us? A spy. An actual Qunari spy… That doesn't strike anyone as a bad thing?"

Iron Bull snorted, "Says the Vint. When we're fighting Vints."

I was smirking. Krem gave me an amused look – he caught on that I was making them develop a relationship by getting things out of the way.

"That's… not a terrible point. Okay." Dorian said. Then Dorian continued, "I hope it doesn't bother you to travel alongside a 'Vint,' Iron Bull."

"That what you are? You people all kinda look the same to me." Wow – the sarcasm there was so thick it was almost palpable.

"I'm also a mage. Would you prefer me bound and leashed?" I groaned softly at Dorians words – he had no idea… 3, 2… 1

Bull delivered, "I'd buy you dinner first."

I giggled, "Oh, my god – that sounds like a fun night. I'll have to tell Cullen. Maybe I can get him to do that for me."

Bull growled, "No fair."

"Hey – I already told everyone my fantasy. Not my fault that you weren't there to hear it. It involved my men and a weekend getaway in a secluded cabin along with a bit of kidnapping and lengths of rope."

"… Damn." Bull said and looked away.

I grinned in sadistic amusement, "Oops – did I say too much?"

Cassandra gave a grunt of disgust, but Sara whooped and said, "Now you need to tell us the whole fantasy."

"My men kidnap me one day and take me to a remote cabin where we won't be disturbed by the outside world where they proceed to tie me to the bed and do one of two things – maybe alternate between them… either they torture me with sexual pleasure or they make me watch while they have fun with each other. It's a coin flip on which one would be more torturous so alternating might be a lot more torturous to me. I know – it sounds completely barbaric. I've already tried to negotiate inviting another woman along, and they seem mostly okay with it… as long as it isn't Sara; because she might want to keep me and she's supposed to end up with our Dwarven Arcanist in the future. Sara calls her Widdle or something like that. Though, if we had a female Vashoth here…" I hummed.

Sara groaned this time, "Don't tease. Are they big and… phwoar?"

Bull spoke, "Oh, shit – yeah."

"No, no – imagine this; Bull with a Dwarf. Imagine it for me." I grinned.

Half the group laughed – Bull included. He said, "That's been done."

"You've been with every type, haven't you?" I quipped, "You're like me – no real preference."

"Wait – you have no preference?" Dorian asked.

"Well, one preference. I prefer men, but I like women too. Race has no baring on it though. Just because I'm with two human men doesn't actually define what I like. Recall that one was kinda thrust on me." I pointed out.

Varric said, "So… if you didn't have Curly or Snowflake?"

"Bull – hands down… or up as the case may be," I said slyly.

Bull cursed, "Should have listened to Krem sooner."

"Oh, honey – you had no chance. I met Cullen almost as soon as I woke up and offered him a gun. It was over from there."

"Cullen has a Gun?" Cass asked.

"Nope – he lost the bet, remember? And he hasn't asked for one since, so I haven't given him one. But he's been teaching me sword play and I've been teaching him Krav Maga. If he asked, I'd give him a gun. I already taught him and Leliana how to use them and they picked right up on it. I'd only have to teach them the proper maintenance."

"… I want a gun…" Blackwall pouted.

"Nope – sorry, I didn't even offer one to Leli. Just taught her how to use it since she was there while I was teaching Cullen. As I said to Cullen; I trust you all, but I don't trust every Tom, Dick and Harry."

"Is that a jab at me?" Blackwall asked.

"Nope – it's a legit saying from Earth. Dick is the nickname for men named Richard."

"How do you get dick… from Richard?" Sara asked.

I couldn't help it – I really couldn't, "You ask nicely."

It was silent for a second before at least half the group began busting up laughing. It drew some odd looks as we got to the market square and I began buying smithing schematics and a few small things.

"So… why call Richard Dick…?" Blackwall asked.

"Because most guys named Richard were colossal assholes, I think. Or it was because dick rhymed with Rich or Rick. One or the other. I don't really know. But after at least 7-800 years of calling guys named Richard 'Dick', it became common."

"7-800 years? Your people know a great deal of their history?" Solas asked.

"Well, Earth is amazingly scientific. We could even trace the origin of all sentient life. We knew that the planet was about 5 billion years old? Somewhere in there. We could pick up a rock, run it through a machine, and find out how long ago it was formed. Some people could trace their history back for thousands of years. Blake, for example, could trace his own history back to ancient Japan on his dads' side of the family, and on his moms' side, he could trace it back to a Queen of another country called England… which was a lot like Ferelden but more advanced than Orlais or Tevinter. His' moms' side could also be traced to a King of Scotland – Bonnie Prince Charlie."

"Prince? I thought you said King?" Cassandra asked.

"It's a long and very bloody tale. Think Revolution. There were several songs about it." I shrugged.

"Okay – still; it's impressive how long the history of Earth is." Solas remarked.

"Ask Blake – History was his best subject. Mine was math." I hummed as we moved to the next stall.

"I'll do that."

After another hour, we left Redcliffe Village, got on your mounts and began heading back to Haven.

Vivienne spoke, "Dear, what do you know of your own history?"

"House Cousland, or personal?" I asked.

"Both?"

"I can trace the Cousland line back to when they were guards of Highever and Bann Conobar. As for my personal history, I know most of it since it was well documented on Earth – but my first few hours as a Teyrns' daughter? Nope, not a clue. Meaning that no – I don't know how I ended up on Earth. But I do have people researching it."

"Good." She said, "That is something we would need to know how to avoid. If you were sent to another world…"

"You don't have to tell me, Madame – I'm terrified of it. Oh, Dori – my sister has need of you."

"How so?" Dorian asked.

"She's researching a cure to the Blight. We know of a Blood Mage that can cleanse the taint from items – but we want to avoid blood magic, you know? And you did some damn good research, considering Felix."

"I'll see what I can do to help her – it's… a good goal; I'll help however I can." He gave me a beautiful smile.

"Good – and maybe you can try and deflect Bull's attention from me? Never know – you might like it," I winked.

"Well – if I wanted to be with a savage…" Dorian started and I laughed, "You'd get a Ferelden?"

"Exactly – that."

"You forget – you're talking to a woman that knows the future." I smirked.

"Well… there's that. But me – with a Qunari?" Dorian asked.

"Well, you certainly won't settle for something expected – no one would see it coming; not even you. So it has to happen, right?" I asked 'innocently'.

He floundered for a moment before giving me a smile, "I think… now I have to try it. I'm glad you don't mind my… predilections."

"Don't you dare stop flirting with me. I like it and it'll drive my husband wild. I like when he's just a bit jealous." I said.

Dorian gave a chuckle, "As you wish – I do enjoy flirting anyway."

"Me too – that's half what led to Cullen and I getting together. He's… Mmmh; bet that you see for yourself. Oh, Madame Vivienne – your things; once they arrived in Haven, I had my husband set to send them to our true base of operations. We're using Haven as a decoy for the moment and I wouldn't want you to lose anything so it was all sent to our much more defensible location. So when we get there and your things aren't there, don't worry – no one stole them."

"Thank you for telling me, my dear." She nodded. The way she sat on a horse was so regal that I was almost envious.

"And Sara – as Cullen told you – we have a whole apiary full of the damn bees for you. All yours. Bull, your chargers have a whole little building at Skyhold for your comfort… right next to the bar. Dorians room is in the library… for now. Solas is right below him and the Nightingale is above. Only one room would have been big enough for Vivienne and it was mine so I put her in the great hall; she can watch everyone from there. Blackwall will be in the stables – just because he likes the horses and woodwork. Varric is a bit of an all-rounder so I se him up a desk in the main hall next to the door to the library. Cass has an office above the requisition officer and her own sparring area just outside of it. Our illustrious Herald will have a room near mine until he and Cass make it to that stage. Ellana will have a room above the garden – she'll like that. I actually have maps set up already – Cullen is just working on labeling them all for you guys. It's a big place – makes Haven look like a road-side 2-bed inn."

Varric whistled, "Big place then."

Cass looked approving, "I have seen the map; a labeled one. You even included the outhouses on there. I do not believe there will be anyone that won't be relieved to have those. No one needing to dig ditches, no chamber pots, and no smell? They are marvelous inventions."

Madame Vivienne and Dorian both looked very interested. I hummed, "I'm willing to sell schematics to Orlais, Tevinter, Antiva and such… how much should I squeeze from them?"

"A minimum of a few hundred Sovereigns from each country, Waves." Varric said.

I explained the concept to Vivienne and she scoffed, "Only a few hundred? Orlais would pay a minimum of a thousand for such a design, darling. If only to get ahead of the other countries with it."

"Right. I'll have Josie make inquiries to other countries. Maybe they'll send people to try them out for all I know. I'll have to trouble Bull to see if the Qun wants it."

"They'll want it, alright – they actually do have people doing that kind of research," Bull grunted.

"Do they want to know the connection between Qunari and Ogres?" I asked.

"… Yes."

"Females of your race are turned into Broodmothers – female ghouls. Humans make Hurlocks, Dwarves make Genlocks, Elves make Shrieks and Qunari make Ogres – boom; your job is done."

"… shit – but genlocks can do magic! The emissary things," Varric hissed.

"They use Blight Magic – the taint within their veins is what gives them magic. It has nothing to do at all with normal fade magic." I shrugged. "Also – as far as the Wardens know, we discovered this by finding a half-turned woman in the Deep Roads and didn't realize it was a secret until the word was already spread… before we recruited Blackwall."

It got really quiet after that. Everyone contemplating the horror of the secret I'd just said.