SOOOO... My apologies for the last chapter being so short, and for there being no authors notes explaining anything. And of course, my long ass hiatus. Try to forgive me. Though I will admit, I truly can't figure out why this chapter was so difficult to get out to you guys. It's long, yes. But this probably isn't the longest. I think I burned myself out, planning the future of this fanfic. I'm scrapping plans that I had for this, and maybe saving them for later. I'm honestly getting back into the swing of writing. In my defense, if you've kept up with my blog, you know that this summer has been extremely chaotic.
To address another matter, please keep reviewing. I know that once I post this, a bunch of the ones I haven't seen yet will magically appear. This is literally chapter 18 and since the latest review for this story is chapter 11, I know is hiding some of them for no reason. And I say this because the last few times I posted chapters, some from March just magically popped up. Anyways keep reviewing, favoriting and following. It gives me life force to work with.
Latelateprezday & Piloates: thank you for your reviews and I'm sorry that I'm only getting to them now. You guys are the best.
...
On with the show!
April 1rst, 2021
Without much break from last time, we come back with full force. The hallway is peaceful, yet Sakura knows better of course. She had left a few hours ago to go shopping at the mall. Was it insane to be this paranoid? "He's clearly up to something," she recalled. We all know what today is, a holiday for ignorant boys. Were the gloves and the headband just sexist toys? She stopped thinking about it, knowing he'll make an appearance. "Something is bound to happen today," her intuition rang clearest. And we already know the bit, let's just get on with it. She didn't even bother trying to get to her room quick.
"..."
She walked down the hall, greeted with the fluorescent lights. Naruto is trying to get her to believe that he isn't full of spite. But trying to do that would be a pointless fixation. For once, Sakura's preparing for her own irritation.
"..."
Sakura stalked all the way to her door, prepared for a lack of compromise. Yet the brainless goldfish is making her wait, she realized. "With how quick to the punch I always am, how could he ever think to compare?" She thought alone to herself as she gave his door a burning stare. But unlike Naruto, she didn't find tardiness acceptable. And to sit here waiting for a slap in the face, entirely unethical. True, she can sit and wait just to kick him in the testicles. However, she has a feeling whatever is coming will be... detestable...?
"...?"
She quickly opened the door, as her lock was electrical. But he tapped her shoulder, the shock incredible. That gave her a full heart attack, she had to hold back a squeal. Had he been shuffling on carpets? He's as static as an eel.
She was turned towards him, her full attention on the menace. Her door already wide open but ignoring him now would be senseless. A torn up yellow onesie with obvious wear and tear. This by far was Naruto's most worthless display to bear. The color was fading, the drawn features fairly dark. And the almost lifeless eyes and ears, both dangling apart. A crude black smile, feigning a gesture not-so-nice. This costume failed to deliver, making Sakura think twice. The black ears pointing down, the whole aesthetic pathetic. "Is this really all he's got?" Questioned the un-athletic genetically diabetic.
"HEY!"
"Who are you yelling at Sakura? Have you finally lost your mind?"
"You're really gonna talk about losing anything in this on-the-raggedy-Anne outfit? I mean really. You couldn't find any better versions of that costume, he's literally the mascot Naruto!"
"Actually Sakura, I don't think you're quite getting this. You're thinking of the wrong character."
"I think it's fairly obvious with the lightning bolt tail. Although, you look GHASTLIER than anything. But only slightly more drab, pale and gross than normal. It's that black lipstick."
"But Sakuraaaaaa! I need to express myself through my art."
"Well go be a damn drag queen or something! Away from here... Don't know why you're bothering me... Naruto... But I gotta go."
"Sakura... Aren't you going to compliment me on my outfit?"
Naruto, swaying left to right, has kept his arms in his sleeve the entire conversation. If it wasn't gross yellow, the outfit would look like a robe for a cult initiation. He's obviously looking to stir some drama, much to Sakura's condemnation. But Sakura can't help but look at the outfit and give a whole-hearted interrogation.
"Naruto... think of literally one redeeming quality of this garbage heap you call art, and look me in my eyes-"
"The accuracy of course!"
"..."
"... :D ..."
"Naruto..."
"..."
"This is, by far, the most off-off-off-off-off brand version of anything I've ever seen."
"Oh, you're exaggerating."
She WAS exaggerating, but only a little bit, that's what's messed up. His electric rat cosplay, you just can't make up this stuff. But Sakura knows very well that this is only a diversion, she needs to take the topic off the god-awful perversion.
"Naruto... What's going on here!" *SQUINT*
"Not much, but I do have a game we can play."
"What could possibly-"
"I'm thinking of a numbeeeeeerrrrrrrr."
"...?"
"..."
"One?"
"WRONG!"
"..."
"I'm thinking of a numbeeeeeerrrrrrrr."
"Two?"
"WRONG!"
"..."
"I'm thinking of a numbeeeeeerrrrrrrr."
"Three?"
"WRONG!"
"This CANNOT continue!"
This nonsense had continued on for several hours. And all the while Sakura's mood began to sour. She has no idea where this is going or why she's here. She knows that eventually something will be made clear.
"...417"
"WRONG!"
"..."
"..."
"418?"
"WRONG!"
"..."
"..."
"419?"
"WRONG!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
*SQUINT INTENSIFIES*
"Say the line, Sakura!"
"..."
"..."
*Sighs* "...420..."
"THAT'S CORRECT! You win, Beetah!"
"What do I win?"
"Another game!"
"Bye!"
As Sakura turned to head inside, she thought to herself 'why oh why'* did I let him waste so much of my time? And then offering to waste more, she just had to decline.
But Naruto Uzumaki wasn't finished just yet. True resolution has not befallen the duet. She wasn't allowed to walk away, he had to keep her attention. For her, he had a plan beyond her comprehension.
"You FAT FUCKING LOSER! You knoooooow you don't have shit to do!"
"!"
"..."
"How DARE YOU talk to me like that? Maybe if you spent more time alone to sort out your fashion sense, I could try to take you seriously!"
"You're one to talk! Like you're really going to improv in Jamaican headgear, get the fuck outta here!"
"That's what I'm trying to do, but lazy potheads like you are just strewn around, waiting to waste my time and energy."
"I'm not a pothead!"
"Oh yeah, a gay bottom stoner like you is more like a POTHOLE!" *Chuckles to herself*
"..."
*Giggle*
"Oh wow, you really cracked yourself up with that rehearsed line. I bet you practiced that in the mirror for one week straight, and your annoying ass wants me to believe that your life doesn't revolve around what I'm doing?"
"Oh, I'm the annoying one-"
"YEAH!"
"Well consider this, you just went out of your way to buy shitting carpeting and drape it around like sheet for a shitty Halloween ghost costume, just to argue about the logistics of me wanting to leave. Maybe get to the point a little quicker and you might get away with calling someone else agitating."
"Give it a rest, you make it sound like it's any worse than your outfits."
"Name one outfit that was worse than-" *Gestures to his outfit* "THIS!"
"..." *Looks Sakura up and down*
"...?"
*Gestures to her outfit*
"Shut up!"
"Did you get all that half price? 60% off? 75%? Did it keep going down Sakura? Did you have a coupon?"
"Naruto... the piece of... GARBAGE that you've forced me to look at is making me go blind. Since you want to talk about your outfit SO MUCH, I think you should discuss it."
"Well, it might SHOCK you to know that I find this at the OUTLET stores. They're CURRENTLY CHARGING $699.99 for this in my size."
"...NO!"
"What ever do you mean, Sakura? You're CONDUCT is very poor right now."
"I am not about to sit here, spending another hour prattling flimsy electricity puns!"
It was in that moment that Sakura could hear the faintest buzz. She was able to see the vibration of his fuzz. What is it that a failed Pikachu cosplay does? Not a deterrent though, he's more gleeful than he ever was.
"Well, it's not the puns that I'm keeping you WIRED to the conversation for. I truly see the SPARK in our relationship fading. And I'm going to do everything in my POWER to SURGE that DRIVE in the both of us!"
"And what might that entail? Can't you just hurry it up? It's getting late!"
"Why do you have to be so NEGATIVE all the time, Sakura? We were like LIGHTNING in a bottle!"
"Because there is a dull little homo accosting me in the hallway. Does it bring you joy doing this to me?"
"WATT? Well, Actually... I'm ecSTATIC!"
"..."
"... :D ..."
"...UGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" *PINCHES BRIDGE OF NOSE*
"Aw come on Sakura, is that anyway to act when someone's going to give you a gift?"
"Gift? I don't see any. You could've just led with that."
"You want the gift? ARE YOU SUREEEEEEE?"
"YES!"
"Even if it... HERTZ?"
"I just spent hours on end verifying that I can count; I'm a little over the repetition at this point."
Instead of talking anymore Naruto finally started to show his reveal. He lifted his arm up, displaying mini claws of steel. But wait, they weren't claws, they look more like hair clippers. Then it suddenly hit her, and the fear finally gripped her.
And then the buzzing continued, the sound was now much less faint. Naruto looks like he's about to go to town with a distinct lack of restraint. Sakura, now uneasy, had the focus of a laser. She was determined to outrun Naruto and his two tasers.
"What's that!"
Sakura had pointed behind him for distraction. And lucky for Sakura, her plan of action gained traction. But little to no avail, Naruto was faster than she thought. Did she honestly think Naruto forgot his own plot? She tried to run away, almost ran her way out. But she got yanked back through the door, only to hear Naruto shout-
"THUNDER CLAWWW!"
But Sakura couldn't miss this opportunity to sass.
"That's not even a real Pokemon move, dumba-ahh AHHH-AAAAHHH-AHHHHH!"
"I'm zapping you, zap zap, zapped zap!"
"PLEASE! EVERYTHING HURTS!"
"ZAP—ZAP ZAP-ZAPPING YOU-ZAP!"
"SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEE!"
-"ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-"ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
This painful exchange had lasted for a gruesome 10 minutes. Surprising that the screaming didn't alarm any tenants. Naruto scoring a victory, Sakura never really had a chance. She's lying down on the floor twitching, at least she didn't soil her pants.
"WHHHHYYYYY? WHYYYYYYY?"
"Oh, cry me a fuckin river, JACKASS!"
"UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!"
"You don't even wanna know what I'll do to you if I catch you wearing black stockings and white shoes at the church!"
"...WHAT!"
"YOU HEARD ME!"
Baffled and barely able to keep it together, Sakura's throat was starting to feel sore and tethered. But that wouldn't stop her from speaking, she demanded an answer* from the blond haired, homosexual, whiny voiced cancer.
"Was that sadistic torture session really supposed to be a gift in your twisted head?"
"Yeah, I was giving you an abuse of POWER! You just seem to love abusing yours!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!"
As Sakura laid there in complete disbelief, Naruto took the silence as his final cue to leave. But there was just one more thing, he didn't want to leave too soon. As he stood in his doorway, he decided to pour salt in the wound.
"You know, Sakura... None of this would be happening if you pffffftt psspllllt pffffffffffffffffftttt!"
OoOoh you can almost hear Sakura's soul splitting. As Naruto continued his symphony of tongue spitting. But enough's enough, though she doesn't know when to quit. That doesn't mean he can't set an example and exit.
As Naruto went back into his room, he closed the door* on the devastation of Sakura, leaving her carcass on the floor.
This was a lot to handle, she was left helplessly to crawl. Maybe the olive branch Naruto offered was a big ruse after all.
Yeah, I'm starting to think that I'm struggling because I've become so obnoxiously self-referential. And that comes with trying to build themes. Which is why I am scrapping the 4/20 episode I had planned lmao.
Having said that, the chaotic evil I mention from chapters 21-30 is still coming around. So stay Tuned, and keep reviewing.
