NATSUME's POV
I can't help shaking my head as I take in her tenacity. She's not gonna let this go easily.
This 'present' is not a lie, but it's not entirely true. But it's her 'present' - the one she believes she lives in, has the right to live through and she loves... or should I say loved?
I can't hate her for loving her life. It's what I love about her anyway.
I just wish she would realize that truth sooner because it's too much torture. It's like I can't breathe when she's near when I touch her... And I die just to live again so I can die again when I kiss her.
As soon as I woke up this morning in her embrace, I could recall almost everything.
The fake wedding.
The mission.
The sea and her smile.
The feeling of almost losing her. The fear and hesitations.
Her screaming on that cliff when she told me she's in love with me.
My promises. Her cries and pleading...
Her tears of joy when she saw me again.
The real wedding... and everything after that.
I was happy with her.
And now I look at her hoping her memories will miraculously come back to her and she will look at me the way she's looked at me.
Just now, I look at her, standing a few steps away from where I sit, and I'll admit I want to whip her head to make her remember. Though clearly, it's not an option.
I wish she's not as stubborn as she is. I wish she stops denying what she sees and what she feels. I know deep inside that thick, pretty head of hers is the girl who would shamelessly shout "I love you" at me. I smiled at myself, bitterly.
I let out a heavy sigh. "You should sleep," I told her as soon as I noticed her almost empty beer bottle.
She smiled timidly. "How about you?"
"Do you want me to tuck you to bed?" I retorted. She gaped at me and laughed sarcastically. It's the exact reaction I wanted. I smirked back at her.
Whenever I talk like that, she lights up and jumps into catfighting mode. She becomes lively, which is always better than a pouting face.
I can't help but shake my head and smile at her reaction. When I looked back at her, her eyes are wide and her mouth was gaping. I guess her breath hitched again with my smile.
Dammit, polka. How much more self-restraint should I exercise so I can promise not to drag you to bed tonight? My mind is racing and I have to clench my jaw to stop myself from saying my thoughts out loud. Most of my actions tonight were out of instinct already. I didn't even want to stop kissing her in that room.
When I saw her in that dress... Shit, here we go again. Just recalling how beautiful she was in that dress makes me crazy. Maybe she thought that I didn't want it, but it was what's making me feel that I hate. Fuck, I have hormones and I am attacked by my memories which does not sensor everything. And by everything, I mean every night, every kiss, every touch...
I had to mentally chain myself so I can still think straight.
Helping her out of that dress is a mistake. It was like breaking out of that chain. I was so close to claiming her back that putting back that chain to restrain myself was like putting a sword through my heart.
"I'm not a kid." She grunted. Her voice made me snap back to reality and I had to gulp another mouthful of beer to quench my thirst. "I was o-only..." She stuttered. I looked up to meet her eyes amidst the darkness. She's usually honest when she's nervous and so I'm all ears.
"I was only worried that you'd... stay up all n-night." she finally said. Worried. Well, that's a good start.
I wanted to ask her if she wants me to embrace her to sleep. She likes it... liked it. I've noticed already that she sleeps better when I'm with her.
But I shut my mouth. I can't say anything that would make "time" notice.
"I'll stand guard until the lookout they're sending arrives," I told her. Konan and Kaname arranged for some people to guard the perimeter so we can rest and resume the mission tomorrow. It won't be long until everyone's positioned, and I can rest as well.
She didn't say anything, but nodded and went to the bed, which was just a few steps away from us.
I stood up and went out to the terrace. The air is already chilly, and in a distance, a band is playing some nice stripped music. It stirs another round of memories in my head and when the vision stopped, I had to count and justify every reason I can find to remind myself to not abandon this mission and get my life back.
My life, and my wife back.
My phone vibrated and Konan's message flashed before me. Rest now. We'll go together to see the real guy tomorrow.
I sat at the edge of the bed next to her and tucked the stray strand of hair on her ears. Her eyes fluttered and opened slightly, obviously sleep-talking.
"I'm really sorry..." She mumbled lazily and furrowed her eyebrows. "I really don't like you..."
I can't help but chuckle softly, Stupid Mikan... "It's okay..." I kissed her forehead. "You love me, you just don't realize it yet."
"Ooohh..." I heard a voice beside me. "Soooo cozy..." She continued. I have to open my eyes as it's not Mikan's voice.
It was a light sleep considering the flash of dreams or memories that I have to leave from that rest. Pulling my arms hesitantly away from her, I sat up to find Konan sitting on the couch I used last night. She adjusted it to face the bed this time and added an ottoman to put her feet on.
I took a deep breath and stretched my neck. "How long have you been there?"
"Some minutes ago..." She answered, then yawned.
I glanced at my watch to look at the time.
"Are we leaving this early?" I asked her. It's only four in the morning anyway.
She smirked at me. White teeth flashing with a ridiculous sound escaping from her mouth and she shook her head.
"Ah, how I wish I could let you enjoy the spooning, Hyuuga..." She said as if she's regretting it. This woman, really... "But we really have to leave..." And with that, she stood up gracefully without a sound and gestured to the door with her head. "I'll see you downstairs." She whispered, looking at Mikan. It looks like she's trying to look into her head again.
I didn't respond to her but glanced at Mikan's sleeping body as well. I don't wanna leave her yet, but I wanted to find Martin as soon as possible so he can interpret the map that we found last night.
Konan found out that he's being detained in a secret prison under the Titan Lighthouse on the northeast coast of Île du Levant. We made a quick plan last night to sneak inside and see the real Martin. Konan needs to come with me since Martin's memory could be sealed and she's the only one who's got the talent to pick on a sealed brain's locks.
Once we have the map, we can find the stone and then we can go home.
The last thing I heard from Konan is a heavy sigh as if she's disappointed with what she can pick up from Mikan's brain, and she went out without a word.
Mikan mumbled something unintelligible and tossed on the bed and now she's facing me. I leaned down to kiss her on the cheeks, and a light one on her lips. My chest aches as I part my lips from hers, but I gathered the will to stand up and leave.
As I reach for the doorknob, Kaname walks in.
My throat stiffened as if I can't breathe and my chest felt heavy.
Here's the guy who does nothing and says nothing, but takes up all of my beloved's affections. If that isn't annoying enough, I wonder what it could be. It was weird because I wanted to be angry, but I know it is just irrational to feel so. But I can't deny this feeling... of jealousy.
Kaname stared back at me with a blank face as if he's also filtering through his thoughts and emotions.
Though I am not sure how he feels about Mikan, I know he genuinely cares about her. I've seen how he takes care of her, how gentle he is with her, and how happy she is when she's with him and it hurts me really bad when I think about it.
Even if I know that she will end up with me, I can't help feeling jealous that he has her heart this time.
Kaname sighed, dropping his eyes and smiled bitterly. It was the same smile that I gave Mikan every time I am flooded with my memories of her and feeling helpless.
"She'll come around..." He said knowingly with a sigh.
"I know..." I answered. "Though it could be hard to convince her to come around if you're always around." This is my chance to tell him to keep his distance. Mikan's better off with me so she can remember her memories.
He shrugged. "It's how it is. I am supposed to be with her..." I felt my face twisting, my eyebrows furrowing at what he said. I know he is referring to this "present" where I am not even supposed to be nowhere near them, but it's their present, not mine. Not Mikan's.
I am Mikan's present.
"Clearly, not forever..." I retorted, annoyed that he still considers it.
He gave me the same cold stare and smirked. "I know... 'Cause if I can, I would never let her go..." His gaze is burrowing through me as if challenging me. Before I can even tell him to fuck off, he sighed and softened his gaze, "Clearly not forever, eh?" He repeated bitterly, looking at where Mikan is sleeping.
The flame of my jealousy instantly subsided into a small ember. It was like cold rain poured on my pride and anger that I suddenly felt sorry for him. I know how it felt to look at the person you love and count the days. I know the terrifying feeling of leaving behind someone, depriving them of love, life and happiness.
He doesn't wanna leave either. It's not an obvious choice someone would make.
But it's inevitable.
Even with me, it was supposed to be inevitable.
*FLASHBACK
"Tono had the moon flower's ashes that time and Tsubasa gave them Kaname's alice stone. It was the only one that can be used..."
In an instant, my vision blurred, and my breathing hitched. "You..." I muttered.
His Alice stone... is what allowed me to live.
Kaname looked at me with the same bitter smile.
Does he know?
I swallowed my words knowing that I cannot tell him or even discuss this with him. Time travel does not allow a person to see past his lifetime. If I tell him, "Time" will notice.
"I'm sorry..." It was all I can tell him. His eyes slightly widened at my sudden retreat. The truth is that I suddenly felt the urge to thank him, even if it was just a coincidence that only his stone was left to be used, it's still his small remaining existence that extended my own existence.
His eyes narrowed a little after recovering from his shock and chuckled softly. "The impassive Natsume Hyuuga is suddenly sympathetic towards me...", he kept that bitter smile on his face. "I appreciate it..." He said, rather softly.
I raised my eyebrows, "That doesn't mean that it's okay with me that you're around her, but right now I don't really have a choice so take care of her."
"I always do." He said, but this time, his smile is genuine. I took one last glance at Mikan and headed out.
Konan was waiting on the driver's seat of her Corvette, tapping on her device. I slid on the passenger's seat beside her and looked at the details of the plan, memorizing directions and faces we need to avoid bumping into.
"So it's his Alice stone, then?" She started. I wouldn't be surprised that she heard my thoughts a while ago. I was practically screaming in my head when I was whipped by that flashback.
"Yeah..." I answered nonchalantly. She smirked and started driving.
"Now that's fucking fate." She chuckled, but there was some contempt in her voice. I raised my eyes to watch her. She's usually good at hiding her emotions and push people around. She was hell more like me than Aoi that people may think she's my 'real' sister.
However, this time, she has that bitter smile. A smile of someone who knows a heavy truth and is forced to live with the pretence of taking everything lightly.
"Do you know?" I asked. I meant Kaname. I want to know if she knows that Kaname will... die.
"Hotaru told me." Her smile already faded and she's back to her usual uncaring countenance. She'd learned to rebuild her walls so fast, it amazes me. And what's more amazing is she's really made a talent out of her philophobia.
She cares about Kaname. Everyone knows she cares about Kaname. Too much that she shut him out because she thinks she's incapable of forgiveness, trusting, and loving. She hated having a weakness that those around her can manipulate to make her bend to their wishes. She loved him too much that she has to let him go.
"Is that why you're involved here?" I asked.
"I told you before... it's the thrill that I'm after..." She answered. I shrugged. That can't be far from the truth, but it's not entirely the truth. "Bastard..." She muttered. "I can hear your thoughts you know..."
I glared at her. "You can't call me 'bastard'. Go pick another endearment!"
She smirked but did not look at me. "Sensitive to endearments, I see..."
"It's not just the thrill, isn't it?" My voice came out in a sombre tone this time. "Is it the second chance?" Another chance to do everything differently... who wouldn't want to jump to that opportunity?
"There is no second chance, Natsume..." She retorted bitterly with a shadow of loneliness in her usually nonchalant eyes. "By this time, we all know what the ending is, don't we?"
"Indeed..." And then I looked at her. I want to see how she will take in what I want to say...
"Indeed what?"
"That it is decided. But aren't you curious how everything inside you will be different when you wake up one day knowing that you plucked out that one thorn that's stabbing you from your heart?"
She swallowed hard as if there was a lump that preventing her from breathing. Somehow, I got into her.
"If you don't have a say on how the ending will be, then at least have a say on how you will feel about it and how you will live with it."
"You are a fucking weirdo, Natsume."
"Guess I am..." I smirked. "You aren't very bad, Konan. If I get to be happy one day, then it isn't so bad to wish you the same." I told her sincerely.
"Damn... that girl really got into you." She smirked back, and then pulled over on the side of the road overlooking the sea.
When she referred to Mikan, my heart suddenly sank. She doesn't know that Kaname will die. I don't even know what she went through when he died.
The realization that I threw at Konan is coming back at me like a boomerang. If she will be given another chance at changing how she will approach "the ending", how is she going to do it? How will I feel about it?
...and Kaname.
Is he going to live this time differently?
