Author's Note: Merry Christmas everyone! I hope this chapter makes a nice gift. Sending wishes for healing from my broken heart to yours.
Rey dipped the Falcon into the atmosphere, toward the towering trees of Ajan Kloss. She loved the way the forest looked from above - nature's quilt, a patchwork of green in every shade. She was finally getting used to seeing so much of the color, but found that somehow, she still preferred the sand.
She wondered which Ben preferred.
Rey jerked her thoughts from that path immediately, before the tears had a chance to flow again. She would not break down today. There was no reason. She could just ask him next time they spoke. And there would be a next time. She would not consider the alternative.
And that was that.
A hailing beep came through the comm and she patched it through. "Welcome back, Rey."
"Thanks Connix."
"Western clearing."
"Copy that."
She eased the controls of the Falcon to skirt the clearing, touching down gently at the far side. Rey gathered her bag and stood with her hand against the door lock, steeling herself for the inevitable barrage of questions that would soon come.
The ramp hissed open and BB-8 rolled down ahead of her, twittering excitedly. The humid air of the jungle clung to her skin like a damp cloth as she traversed the muddy path to the base. Moisture gathered in beads on the foliage lining the path. New puddles reflected the billowing white clouds above. It was clear that Ajan Kloss didn't get so green by chance.
She tramped over gnarled roots and around slick, rocky outcroppings, turning the last corner before the base. Finn stood between two hulking banyan trees, a huge grin on his face.
"Rey!"
He caught her in an embrace and towed her by the arm excitedly toward the large hangar at the center of their base. "Did you even listen to any of the messages I sent?"
Rey scrunched her mouth into an apologetic wince.
He shook his head. "I didn't think so."
They approached the yawning hangar door together. Open on the North side, the hangar was carved into the face of a cliff, covered by creeping vines and roots on all sides.
"I'll give you one thing, you have great timing," Finn said, "everyone's in the mess hall."
Rey saw only two or three familiar faces on the way to the hall, nodding in greeting at each of them as she passed. And the mess hall, normally packed with people at this time for midday meal, was eerily empty.
Finn glanced her way, reading her questioning look. "Most people went home to spend time with family and friends."
He caught her eyes, and she could see the unspoken words hidden in that gaze. Then there's us. Those who don't have families to go home to.
Rey squeezed his arm and continued to follow him into the rear of the base.
She was glad to have found the family she had, this family here with the Resistance. And as they approached the scattered tables and spotted Poe and Rose rising from their meals to wave excitedly, she was convinced she'd made the right decision to come back.
"Damn it Rey, you really need to learn how to return a message." Poe's sarcastic greeting was at odds with the warmth of his embrace. The two had always butted heads, but they were like family now. And she thought, as he gave her an accusing look, that he was the obnoxious older brother she'd never had.
Rose was next, with a comforting hug in place of sarcasm. "Welcome home."
"I hope you saved some drumsticks for me," Rey said, smiling.
Poe raised an eyebrow in Finn's direction. "So, she wouldn't answer our communications, but promise a couple of drumsticks and she's here in a few hours?"
They all laughed and Finn grabbed a plate, stacking it heavily with nuna legs, spiced root vegetables, and some amazing looking sticky buns and handed it with a flourish to Rey. He then proceeded to do the same thing for himself before patting the bench next to him.
"The kitchen is still in celebration mode," Rose noted, twirling a vegetable in a pool of sauce on her plate.
Rey took a seat next to Finn and dug in. As promised, the nuna drumsticks were heavenly. A salty crunch on the outer skin paired perfectly with the juicy, savory meat inside and Rey was on her third leg before she'd raised her eyes from her plate.
"I take it you haven't been eating much?" Rose asked delicately.
Rey replied from around a mouthful. "Just dried rations."
"You also look like you haven't slept in a week," Poe said, never one to beat around the bush.
She kept chewing.
Finn looked up and down the table, making sure no one else was listening before leaning in closer to her. He looked down, gritted his teeth and took a deep breath, preparing to say whatever it was they wanted to tell her. "Look Rey, we're worried about you. You've been through a lot and we want you to know you can talk to us."
Rey stabbed at a purplish vegetable and shoveled it into her mouth. "So, ply me with food and then begin the interrogation, huh?"
"We just want to make sure you're okay," Rose said.
"I'm fine." She set her fork down and started in on a sticky bun. "There was just a lot to process."
Poe's eyes were sharp, he never let her get away with being vague. "You still haven't told us what exactly happened down there."
She hesitated, overstuffing her mouth with another bite of gooey sweetness.
"We can't help you unless you let us in, Rey." Finn's voice had assumed that infuriating tone he used when he treated her like she was something delicate, something that could break if mishandled.
"I said I'm fine." She finished chewing and straightened her shoulders, ready to tell them the story they needed to hear. "But you're right. There were some things about Exegol I think everyone should know." She spotted a pitcher of what she hoped was Jogan juice and poured a cupful. "But first, can you please pass me another bun?"
Rey was scraping the last morsels from her plate when Poe raised an eyebrow. "Alright, you've packed in enough food to feed a small herd of banthas, now… tell us."
Rey breathed deeply, leaned forward and started from the beginning. She'd mentioned the Emperor's plans before and that the Jedi who'd lived before had spoken to her, given her the power to defeat the Sith. But this time, she added in the details of the actual battle, the details she couldn't stand to describe the last time she's spoken of it. She explained how Kylo Ren turned away from the Dark Side and assumed his given name, Ben Solo. She explained how he'd faced down the Knights of Ren to get to her and in the end, how he'd sacrificed himself to save her.
It took everything she had to keep from faltering as she described how he faded away having used his life Force to resurrect her.
When she finished, Poe's mouth was hanging open, his brows at sharp angles low over his eyes.
"You want me to believe that Kylo Ren actually helped you?"
Rey wanted to slap the disgusted expression from his face.
Instead, she shot him a dagger of a look that caused him to wither just slightly. "Weren't you listening?" she asked. "Ben Solo didn't just help me. Ben Solo died to save me. To save the Resistance."
Poe looked ready to snap back with something, but Finn was leaning over the table at him with a glare that even Poe couldn't ignore.
"We're listening, Rey," Finn said. "It's just, you're right, it's like you said, it's hard to process." He nudged her gently, brows furrowed. "I saw you fighting him, though. On the Death Star wreckage."
Rey wasn't sure she could admit to everything that had happened in between. Her vision, the way she'd skirted dangerously close to the Dark Side, that she'd actually killed him and brought him back. Their connection, their kiss… She wasn't sure they would understand, even now.
"He got the upper hand in that battle, but he couldn't kill me. Then I… well, I couldn't kill him either."
"Why not?" Rose asked, voice quiet.
Because I need him.
"Because I… we understood each other."
"How in the hell could you understand someone like that?" Poe snapped.
Rey stood up, a wave of Force crashing through her like a reflex, rocking the table and causing the bench they were sitting on to fall backwards. Finn tumbled backward and looked up confused.
"Finn." She wanted to explain, to fight for Ben's honor and explain it to them until they could understand, but the emotion was still so raw, right below the surface. She couldn't.
"I'm sorry," was all she could manage to Finn before turning to go. She headed to the small personal quarters she'd called home for the last year, trying to ignore the image of her friends' shocked expressions carved into her memory.
How could she call herself a Jedi? She still couldn't control her anger despite everything she'd been through.
She took the stairs to the upper level two at a time. Her room was set back into the cliff with one side open toward the jungle. She preferred it this way, many of the other rooms made her feel trapped, this was the only one she'd ever found any sleep in.
Closing the door behind her, she stood panting, looking out over the mist that was rising over the canopy. One deep breath and she called the Force to her, seeking balance, peace.
A rush of comfort filled her to overflowing, and with it, his voice.
Thank you, Rey.
Nothing else in the galaxy could have given her the instant surge of warmth straight into her veins that his voice gave her.
"Ben." His name came to her lips like a prayer.
You were… you were defending me.
He sounded shocked, which hurt just a bit. "Of course I was. They need to know what happened."
He spoke the next words low, almost as if they were meant for himself. No one's ever defended me.
"That's not true," she said.
There was a long silence, broken only by the clattering of tools in the hangar outside, and the chirping of birds in the jungle trees.
You're right. She could hear his breathing as he paused, its steady rise and fall filling her small quarters. Mother died defending me. From myself.
"Oh Ben," she said. "I'm so sorry." She looked out over the jungle, remembering Leia's training with a fondness that burned in that empty space inside of herself. "I miss her."
Me, too.
They remained quiet together for a long moment as a mutual silence of love and loss for General Leia Organa passed between them. She waited for him to speak first. She'd almost begun to think he'd faded away by the time he responded again.
I can't stand that pilot.
Rey was not surprised to hear that Ben Solo was capable of holding a grudge.
"He can be difficult."
Ben huffed in response. Even so, I'm glad you're here. You can't close yourself off again like that.
She nodded. "I know." She searched the small room, hoping that he'd found a way to show himself to her. She craved to see his face, Ben Solo's face, as he spoke. She'd had so little time with him. "How much of that conversation did you see?"
Enough to know why you feel alone. And you still didn't tell them the whole story. There was an edge to his tone this time, a vein of hurt running through his words. About me. About us.
Rey sat down heavily on her bunk. "I'm not sure they could understand the Bond between us."
Then how can they ever understand you?
He had a point. He'd become so much of her and she so much of him. The Bond was part of who she was. Could she possibly explain such a thing? She could imagine the sarcastic reply Poe would give, but maybe Finn had a better chance of understanding.
Rey focused her attention on it then, on that connection between Ben and herself. With him so close in the Force, it was alive with life and energy. She'd been wanting to try something. She knew he'd used the Bond to communicate with her, and she wanted to do the same.
She reached out, feeling the Force of their link, and sent him an image. One of her most precious memories: the time she'd reached for his hand on Ahch-to.
She heard his sharp intake of breath as he experienced her own anticipation, her own desire to feel the touch of his skin, and Rey sensed his focus shift to their Bond.
The Force hummed through and around her and she directed it to her hand, lying palm up on the bed where she sat. She pulled as hard as she could at that thread connecting the two of them, willing him to come to her.
She was breathless with anticipation as long fingers, radiating a faint blue glow, laced slowly through her own, and she heard him gasp. His palm pressed fully against hers and came to rest there, warm and reassuring. She smiled, heart swelling, and when he cradled her whole hand in his, squeezing tight protectively, she melted a little around the edges.
A heady feeling, a tingly mixture of heart thudding expectation and pure joy at his contact threatened to overtake her completely. It reminded her a bit of the feeling she got after the first cup of Corellian whiskey, except this was multiplied tenfold.
Rey.
His voice was lower, more fragile than she'd ever heard it.
She swallowed, not trusting her voice to work at just this moment. She couldn't believe he was here. And he was holding her hand. It was more than she could have ever wished for.
She glanced down again, studying the outline of his hand, along with a very faint contour of a sleeve, clear up to the elbow before it faded completely at the upper arm. As she worked to memorize the shape of him, she realized she wanted to know him, too, in a way she'd never been allowed when he was Kylo Ren. She wanted to have a normal conversation with Ben Solo. And she knew just where to start.
"Which do you prefer, the jungle or the desert?"
He chuckled at this, a wonderful rolling sound from deep in his chest and it brought a smile to her lips.
That is not a question I was expecting. He paused to consider. But if you must know, the jungle.
He lifted her hand then, testing his ability to manipulate their physical connection. And you? Have you had enough of the desert?
"Actually, no. I still prefer it."
Oh? He seemed to have moved closer now, his deep voice sending strange tingles down her arms and into her fingertips. Once a scavenger always a scavenger.
She wanted to lean into him, tried to imagine it, to send the thought as an image through their connection as she had before, but was met with a fuzzy sort of resistance.
I wish. I wish we had more time.
And something was already twisting at the Bond. They didn't have long.
"Are you afraid?"
There was a long silence as he weighed his answer. Rey wished she could look into those expressive eyes of his to see the truth.
No.
"I want to know what it's like for you."
Most of the time it's peaceful, like floating in a calm lagoon. I don't feel much, really, until I feel you.
Rey wasn't sure what any of that would be like, but had the fleeting thought that she would love to find out. With him.
When he spoke again, she was relieved to find he hadn't sensed the direction of her thoughts. So, I'm not afraid for myself, no.
"That's not a full answer."
He gave another low laugh. You're right.
She heard him breathe deeply before continuing on. There are moments when I sense something else, a different place. He sucked in another draught of air. I have this feeling, that if I could just get there and go down the right path, I could… well, maybe I could come back to you.
"What?" Rey honestly wasn't sure she could handle the amount of hope his words brought to her tattered emotions. "How do you know?"
A feeling.
His words were coming in staccato now, just as they had before and she could feel he was fading. She squeezed his hand one last time, imprinting his touch to her memory, to re-live over and over until she could feel him again.
"You mentioned sensing something dark."
Yes.
"I don't understand," she said.
But his presence had faded, leaving behind a stinging void in that familiar place in her chest, and she glanced down at her open hand lying useless and empty at her side.
Rey closed her eyes and rested her head in her hands.
A double knock at the door echoed through the space.
"Come in," she managed to croak, rising from the bed and pretending to be busy unpacking.
Poe stood in the doorway, looking slightly cowed, eyes on the floor. "Rey, I… look, I came to apologize. I shouldn't have – "
"It's alright, Poe."
He looked up, dark eyes taking in her features, likely noting her glossy eyes or stricken expression. She was never good at hiding the feelings on her face.
"Who –" he began, doing a quick scan of the room, "who were you talking to?"
