Author's Note: Thank you so much for the faves, follows, and wonderful comments. I love the suggestions for music to go with the last chapter. You guys are amazing.
Check out my Tumblr at erickawrites for links to some incredible fan art for chapters 1-4 (thank you JenniferLadyBug). This fic is crossposted on AO3 where the images are embedded to the first few chapters. And please remember, your comments are the light to my saber, the Baby Yoda to my Mandalorian, the Ben to my Rey, so please make my heart happy and leave one if you are enjoying this. Otherwise it gets a little lonely out here in Writer Land.
Rey lay cradled in Ben's arms talking late into the night. They gazed together at Yavin's moons, one pale pink, one pale blue, mesmerized by the slow arc of their orbits overhead. She wondered how many millions of years they'd been chasing each other through the sky. How many lovers through the ages had fixed their eyes on these moons as they had done tonight?
As the glowing spheres traversed the skies, she learned of Ben's favorite foods, his hobbies before the First Order, and his adventures at Luke's academy, all of which he conveyed with the dramatic zest of a true storyteller.
She would rather have just listened to him, but he insisted she tell about her days on Jakku, about the first time she could remember using the Force, and about the year spent training with his mother. Rey would have stayed with him all night, and it seemed the Force would allow them this gift, until she started to shiver. Mist was beading on the grass, and her clothes were damp with it now. Gooseflesh prickled on her arms and Ben ran gentle fingers over the raised bumps.
How's your ankle? he asked.
"About the same," she admitted.
I may have to carry you back.
Unless… he said, sitting up and knitting his brows as he regarded her injured foot. Then, his contemplative look broke into a thin smile and kneeling beside her, he placed his hand on her ankle and closed his eyes. His chest expanded with a deep breath and the dull ache in her foot slowly drained away into nothing, the balm of his Force knitting her torn muscles back together.
He exhaled, lifting his eyes to hers. I don't know why I didn't think to try that hours ago.
She wiggled her ankle , finding that it complied easily.
On second thought, he offered her that lopsided smirk that turned her insides to jelly. Maybe I wasn't thinking quite as clearly a few hours ago.
"That makes two of us," she said.
Let's get back to the Falcon, he said, his voice a command not a suggestion.
"And what if I said I wasn't ready yet?" she said, raising her eyebrows in mock-indignation.
Shadows played across his face as moonlight shone down between the fluttering leaves overhead. Then I might say I don't care if you're ready or not.
"It seems that our Supreme Leader got a little too used to getting his way all the time."
His brows hardened, dark eyes carved in a stony glare. I have ways of making you obey, he said, and before she knew what he'd done, her wrists were pinned into the grass over her head, Force flowing around him, dark and passionate. Was he using the Dark Side? Oh stars, her heart was already hammering in anticipation as he straddled her, easily overpowering her halfhearted attempts to escape him.
She closed her eyes, letting the cool caress of his Darkness trail across her skin, vibrating through the Force in a way she didn't realize was physically possible. He bent to trail hot kisses from her collarbone up her neck, sighing against her ear as he bit down gently on her earlobe and grazed his tongue along the curve of her ear.
The shiver that tore through her then had nothing to do with the cold. The steely energy of his Force binding her wrists, the size of him as he knelt over her, the playful expression he wore as he raised his eyes to hers. Kriff, she was ready for him all over again.
Then, all at once Ben Solo released his Force hold on her and winked. He actually winked at her, and if her insides were jelly already, this was enough to make her want to push him back down into the grass and absolutely ravage him, freezing cold or not.
He sucked in a breath and his eyes went wide as he felt her desire through the Bond. Then a slow, satisfied smile unfurled across his lips.
"Don't you get cocky now, Ben Solo, or Maker help me, I will find a way to block you out of my thoughts," she said.
But they both knew that was an empty threat and he attempted to stifle a laugh with the back of his hand.
"Besides," she began, trying to sound convincing. "I'm not sure the Jedi would condone such uses of the Force." But her thundering pulse was a dead giveaway that she didn't really care too much for what the ancient Jedi thought.
Good thing they're not here to give their opinions. He pressed a warm kiss to the back of her hand, letting his lips linger against her knuckles as he sent a light touch of Force up her arm.
She couldn't hide the tremor it sent through her body.
As much as I'd like to finish this, your skin is like ice and… if you please, he pulled away now, and by his tone, it was obvious he was trying really hard to behave, if you please, would you accompany me back to the Falcon?
Then he stood and offered a chivalrous bow along with his outstretched hand. She gave him an unsightly pout before reluctantly taking his hand and letting him help her to her feet.
"I suppose that would be acceptable. Thank you for asking," she added with a barbed tone on the last word.
What she didn't say was that she'd much rather freeze to death if that meant he would just wrap her in that tight grip of passionate Force and do whatever it seemed like he was about to do to her. The thought warmed her from the inside out and she found that her shivers were gone. She could only hope he hadn't been listening too close to her thoughts as she found her discarded lightsaber in the grass and clipped it back to her belt.
Ben shrugged off his outer cloak as they began to walk and wrapped it tenderly around her shoulders. It was way too large and the hem dragged behind her, catching on the patches of longer grass and shrubs in the clearing. She hardly noticed, far too busy marveling at the way his arm fit so well around her shoulders as they walked together through the misty night back to the ship.
They returned to find the others were already asleep. Poe, Finn, and Chewie had taken one triple bunk, and Rose was in the other cabin in the top bunk lightly snoring.
As Rey stood staring at the empty bunks below Rose, contemplating her next move, she realized perhaps she should have thought this out better beforehand. It would be awkward to lie with Ben in the same room as her friend. That was if Ben even wanted to share a bed. Maybe she presumed too much. Maybe he preferred to sleep alone. Maybe he was forced to sleep in the World Between Worlds. Did he even need to sleep at all?
She avoided his gaze as she chewed her lip.
Let's go to the bunk behind the lounge seat.
Relieved, she grabbed the backpack she'd stowed in the bottom bunk and followed Ben to the Dejarik table in the main living space. He looked down at her, reading her expression and drew back a bit, pressing his lips together. Unless, I mean… He raked a nervous hand through his hair. If you prefer to sleep alone.
Oh stars, now she'd made him nervous. "No!, No, I don't want to." Her voice came out a bit louder than she'd intended, she adjusted her volume and continued. "I don't want to sleep alone, I mean. I just didn't want to assume this is what you wanted."
His shoulders relaxed and that twinkling mischief had returned to his eyes. There will never be a time I'd choose to be away from you. You're stuck with me now, sweetheart.
He reached a hand to her face, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. Peace and contentment were the chorus down the Bond and she couldn't help but smile against his lips. She felt him smiling too, before he drew back from their kiss, and pressed his forehead against hers.
He gazed at her, his eyes filled with a boyish eagerness that was beyond endearing. This still doesn't feel real. I can't believe this is us.
"Us," she repeated. "I like the sound of that."
She offered her most heartfelt smile, before she turned to rifle through her backpack, pulling out the only shirt she'd brought to sleep in.
His eyes shone with such adoration, that any embarrassment about what she'd thought was a childish attachment to his shirt vanished.
However, that embarrassing problem was quickly replaced with a new one. Where to change. Should she just change in front of him? He'd already seen and touched every part of her. Did that mean she should just go ahead and strip down? Oh stars, now her cheeks were hot, and she was probably redder than a salakberry.
Without saying a word, Ben turned away from her modestly, allowing her to strip off her damp clothes in privacy. She slipped his oversized shirt on, along with a fresh set of underthings and clambered over the lounge seat and into the bunk.
Ben followed, climbing in clumsily behind her. He was so comically large for the space, he had to fold himself against her to fit all the way.
Rey had never slept in this bunk before, preferring the privacy of the actual crew quarters.
This used to be my favorite place to sleep, he said.
Rey closed her eyes, focusing on the overwhelming comfort of that moment, nestled against his chest, finally warm, feeling his voice reverberate against her body as much as hearing it in her ears. They couldn't close the door on me here, so I could listen to everything going on.
She felt him shift slightly under her and she opened her heavy eyes to investigate. He'd raised a hand, tracing something along the low ceiling of the bunk.
Lettering.
Sweeping black strokes of a pen against the yellowing cast-plast ceiling. It was a beautiful composition of symmetry and grace, lines of perfect parallel construction, flaring tails and runaway curls adding a dramatic elegance to each word.
"There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force."
The Bond writhed uncomfortably, twisting with a guilty ache. And she understood.
"The Jedi code," she whispered. "Ben, did you do this?"
Yes.
When he didn't offer more, she urged him with a gentle voice. "Tell me about it?"
Their connection stirred in an eddying stream of emotion and he took his time to answer. I was fifteen. I'd already been training with Luke for several years and… Dad, he said, his voice catching on the word, had picked me up to visit with my mother.
The mention of his parents amplified the ache of shame twining across their connection. She felt him reach for calm, pulling a bit of her warm energy to help him balance the dark feelings creeping into his Force.
He glanced at her briefly, to ensure this wasn't a violation of some sort. But Rey was happy to give Ben anything, so long as he just kept talking to her. She lifted her head from his chest long enough to let him see her smile and clutched him tighter to encourage him to continue.
Even then, I knew I would fail to be the Jedi they all wanted me to be.
Rey could imagine a young Ben, trying so hard to live up to impossible expectations, lying alone and scared in this very bunk. The image tore at her heart and she reached out to run her fingers through his hair. She willed her hands to communicate the depth of her growing affection for him as she knew her words would never manage.
He squeezed her a little tighter.
When Ben finally spoke again, his voice was brittle, on the verge of shattering. Now I realize, I hardly had a chance. Palpatine had been whispering thoughts into my mind since I can remember.
"I'm so sorry." And she didn't know what else to say. A deep, black sorrow had entrenched itself across their Bond and she willingly shared the burden. Ben's chest heaved a little underneath her head and she thought he might be crying. She felt the pinpricks of tears beginning behind her own eyes as she imagined Ben as a child, hearing that voice as he tried to play ball with his Uncle Chewie or blocking out dark, twisted images as he sat on his Dad's lap to steer the Falcon.
His breathing was uneven now and she turned to look at him then. In the dim light, she could see the tears glistening in his eyes. His lips were drawn up into a tight, trembling frown and she could see his body was fighting the tears, as they probably had for so many years.
Ben Solo had never even learned to cry properly.
She wanted to tell him it was okay. That she understood. She wanted to hold him as he broke, crying the tears that he couldn't for so long. She wanted him to know that he could tell her anything. But as the silence stretched on, she just waited. Eventually, the rise and fall of his chest became more regular and he spoke again.
I took up calligraphy. It gave me an outlet, and a way to make solid, the teachings of the Jedi. I hoped if I just repeated the words enough that I could rid myself of the passion, the chaos, the Darkness.
"An impossible standard," she said, thinking back to some of her most private fears while training with Leia. Rey had tried to rid herself of those same feelings, but they were always there, lurking like a loth-cat ready to pounce. "What if the Jedi had it wrong? What if passion and emotion can coexist with peace and harmony?"
Luke would have said 'that's the Dark Side talking.'
"Master Luke himself admitted he was wrong about a few things," she said.
Yes, he was.
Another surge of indescribable heartbreak shot straight down the Bond and she felt it as if it were her own. Betrayal.
"Oh Ben," she said, reaching a finger to trace the letters spelling out the impossible ideals hanging over both of their heads.
They stared up at the words on the ceiling, and Rey tried to focus on the beauty of the script, appreciating the graceful hands of their creator as she laced her own fingers through his.
"I read something in one of the texts that struck me. Did you ever read the Grey Jedi Code?"
Yes.
And Ben went on to recite the code as easily as one would recite the galactic alphabet.
"Flowing through all, there is balance.
There is no peace without a passion to create.
There is no passion without peace to guide.
Knowledge blinds without the strength to act.
Power blinds without the serenity to see.
There is freedom in life.
There is purpose in death.
The Force is all things and I am the Force."
The dark and light. Balance. It made her think of the mosaic in the pool on Ahch-To. The image of a Jedi in meditation, created from tilework of white and black, juxtaposed in harmonious balance. Why then, were the Jedi so afraid of emotion and attachment, of passion and power?
It made so much sense to me, Ben said. But Luke became upset that I'd taken the time to memorize such a thing. These ideas were dangerous, and he forbade me to speak of them again.
"If the Force is in constant balance, why shouldn't the Jedi be?"
Ben positioned her hand over his heart and covered it with his. And though he didn't speak the words, she understood his meaning. He was thanking her for understanding him, for accepting him as the Bond between them shone as bright and warm as Jakku's midday sun. She sighed contentedly, finding a way to burrow even closer against him.
"Goodnight Ben," she said.
Goodnight.
And with their thoughts and bodies fully intertwined, she relaxed into his arms, listening to his steady breathing, letting it lull her into a place of complete tranquility. Her eyes eventually fell closed and she drifted off, safer and more at peace than she'd ever slept before.
Rey woke to the sound of muffled talking from down the corridor. She could have sworn Ben's voice was one of them.
She crawled out of the bunk, noting the lightsaber parts scattered across the Dejarik table, before she hastily dressed for the day. She followed the corridor, past the crew quarters and down the hallway. It was here in the open passageway that she found Ben standing squarely across from Finn.
Finn's knuckles were white, wrapped tight around Rey's lightsaber which was raised in a defensive position over one shoulder. The plasma blade's buzz echoed loudly in passageway as he stared hard at Ben.
Rey's heart lodged in her throat as her mind, still foggy from sleep, started to piece the scene together.
You're clumsier than a Bantha in a china shop, Ben said, laughing smugly.
Finn readjusted his grip on the saber. "Shut-up."
Rey rushed past Ben and put her hand out. "Finn, stop!" she yelled.
He froze, brows wrinkled in confusion. Ben shared the same look, then glancing back and forth between the two of them, he quirked a half-smile.
"Good morning," Ben said, his easy expression at odds with the situation he found himself in.
She divided a look between the two of them and Finn flicked the saber off.
"Rey, it's okay," Finn explained. "This arrogant Hutt-spawn was just showing me a few things."
All at once, she felt it. A third Force signature in the room. One that she'd only ever felt as a tiny glimmer, never like this before. Realization was slow to dawn on her, but when it did, she still wasn't quite ready to believe it. "Wait," she said, leveling her gaze at Ben. "You were training him?"
Finn responded through clenched teeth. "I saw him working on his lightsaber this morning, and he couldn't help but run his mouth."
Okay, so Finn wasn't exactly happy about this. But either way, this was happening. She continued to stare open-mouthed as Finn pushed down the blast-shield on his helmet, completely blocking his vision, and reignited her lightsaber. This was a training exercise, she realized. He was talking tough, but the truth of it was, Finn was letting Ben teach him.
Ben gave a three count before he resumed hurling small pieces of scrap from Rey's bucket of ruined saber parts at Finn for him to try to block with the saber.
An old powercell made its way through Finn's defense and struck him squarely on the shoulder.
"Ow, kriffing sithspit!" Finn rubbed his shoulder with his free hand, continuing the string of expletives under his breath. "This is pointless." He reached to pull the helmet off, but Ben stepped forward to catch his hand.
Rey tensed, expecting this to escalate to the place she'd been dreading, but Ben's voice was actually calm, encouraging even.
One more time, he said. Shut down your conscious senses. Use your instincts.
Finn took a deep breath, and this time, she felt his energy brush against hers as he reached out through the Force, saber at the ready. Ben pulled another scrap from his bucket and threw it squarely at Finn, except this time, he cut through it, sending the two halves clattering against the durasteel compartment doors below him.
Finn pulled the helmet off in one smooth motion, his smile shining even brighter than her saber.
"That was amazing, I could really see the path of your throw," Finn said.
Maybe you're not so hopeless after all.
Finn gave a narrow-eyed look of irritation at Ben, before softening as he turned to smile at Rey. "Everyone else is in the cockpit."
Rey nodded and started in that direction, elbowing Ben in the side as she passed, whispering into his ear. "You are going to have to tell me how that all got started."
He gave an innocent shrug before clasping her hand and following Finn.
In the cockpit, they came upon a heated conversation already in progress. Chewie was standing, rumbling a forceful suggestion to Poe. "Maz needs reinforcements? Then we go to her!"
"It's not that easy," Poe was arguing. "She's sent word of a Star Destroyer hanging around nearby. The one confirmed from the Sith Fleet."
"The Derriphan?" Rose asked, eyes going wide. "Near here?"
"She thinks so," Poe said. "Which means -"
"That ship has death star tech," Rey interrupted.
Dread hung heavy in the air and Finn's voice was dull and toneless under the weight of it. "That's the ship that destroyed Kijimi."
An alarm blared loudly over the Falcon's comm. In seconds, Rose was bent over the panel, stabbing at the communication controls. She pulled a headset over her ear and the expression that crossed her face was darker than the shadow of the Derriphan itself.
"We've got company," she said.
