A/N: Thank you for the follows and reviews from the previous chapter. Please let me know what you think of this chapter.
"Hello Tris, How are we feeling today? Your vitals look excellent" Dr. Matthews greets as she breezes in for Tris's monthly transplant check-up. Tris shivers when she places to cold stethoscope on her chest to listen to her new heart. Dr. Jeanine Matthews had worked with Tris since she moved to Chicago 5 years ago and was well versed in heart transplant patients. Tris liked her okay, she seemed kind of stuffy at times.
"I'm feeling great for the most part"
"What's going on Tris?"
"I just feel, I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like I should have days, like it not enough"
Tris takes a deep breath, she wasn't sure how to articulate how she was feeling but no one seemed to understand. Dr. Matthews goes to the desk in the exam room and starts to write on her prescription pad.
"I'm adding a new medication to your current regimen, we will call it in for you and I would like you to think about seeing a therapist, having a transplant can be an overwhelming experience. I can make a referral for you if you would like".
Tris nods maybe she needed someone to talk to someone. Her family was there for her but she was frustrated that she couldn't find anyone to truly understand what she meant.
"How about this one?" Uriah asks pointing to a picture of a flame with a circle around it.
"Ooooh, I like it, What do you think Tris?" Zeke comments, looking over Uriah's shoulder at the book of Tattoos.
Tris, Uriah, Zeke, Shauna, and Christina were all in a tattoo shop looking for the perfect tattoo to all get. Over the past four months since Tris had come home from the hospital the group had been starting to work on her Post Transplant Bucket List. She hadn't been able to do much the first few months out of the hospital but now that she was up and moving around things had been getting more exciting. Her friend Tori had recommended the place owned by her friend Bud who did all of her tattoos and once Uriah, Zeke, and Shauna heard Tris was going to get a tattoo they invited themselves and decided that they would all get the same tattoo.
"I think I want this one too" Tris points out looking at the page and placing her finger on a set of hands clasping enclosed in a circle similar to the flames.
"Ah, good choices" Bud the tattoo artist praises as Uriah hands him the book back. "These symbols are from a book I read as a teen, there were different groups of people, the brave, the selfless, the kind, the truthful and the smart"
"Bravery, I think that's us" Shauna comments. "Tris, why do you want the other one?"
"I was drawn to it, but now that I know what it means, I want it even more. This whole second chance at life, I don't want to be selfish with what has been given to me" Tris replies. "Thanks for doing this with me guys, It's like we have this special thing with just the five of us"
"Awwww," Zeke and Uriah both say at the same time and wipe away fake tears causing the girls to laugh.
An hour later, everyone has their bravery tattoos. Christina, Shauna, and Tris get theirs on their back at the shoulder while Zeke and Uriah get theirs on the shoulder on the upper arm. They all head out to dinner afterward, Hana had Jalen and Justin for the night and Chris and Uriah weren't going to pass up an opportunity for an entire night out.
They sit down to order at a restaurant not too far from the tattoo shop. As the waitress gets everyone's drink order, Shauna and Tris raise their eyebrows at Christina when she orders a lemonade.
"Well I guess I can't avoid telling you now" she laughs and looks at Uriah who nods his head with a smile. "We're having another baby" Tris and Shauna squeal with excitement and Zeke reaches over and pats his brother on the arm in congratulations.
"Oh, I hope it's a girl!" Shauna says excitedly. She and Zeke had agreed that they weren't really keen on having kids of their own but enjoyed spoiling their nephews as much as possible.
"I hope so too, I'm drowning in testosterone" Christina comments, causing Tris and Shauna to laugh and Uriah to grab his chest in mock outrage.
"How far along are you?" Tris asks with a raised eyebrow.
Uriah laughs " Almost 4 months, we found out right when you were coming home from the hospital and decided to wait to tell everyone. We were going to actually break the news at family dinner Sunday night"
Since they were kids, Andrew, Max, Hana, and Harrison always gathered everyone for dinner on Sunday nights since the restaurant closed early on Sundays. It was always a time to wind down from the week and for everyone to catch up, it always ended up with Harrison, Max, and Andrew playing poker over beer since they didn't have to get up early the next day.
"I can't believe you held it in this long Chris" Shauna observes.
"Me either, but baggy shirts weren't working anymore, and we know if we told the boys, everyone would know the next day"
"Yeah, Justin can't hold anything" Zekes laughs out thinking about his nephew.
"So Tris, what's next on the Bucket List?" Zeke asks, changing the subject. "This one was easy"
"Let's see" Tris responds as she pulls a small notebook out of her bag. When she opens it a pink envelope falls out of the book.
"Really Tris, you still haven't mailed it?" Christina comments as Tris hastily places it back in her purse.
"What is it?" Shauna asks curiously as Tris sighs.
"A thank you letter to the donor family for my heart" Tris explains as she looks down at the table.
"Why haven't you mailed it?" Uriah asks, not understanding why Tris seemed almost embarrassed.
"I don't know, it just seems, not enough I guess, a thank you note for a heart. I have it with me all the time, I just can't seem to do it"
"Let it go, Tris, It's been almost a year, they need to move on and so do you" Zeke states simply as the waiter drops off their food.
When Tris gets home that evening, she smiles as she looks at the bandage covering both her tattoos. Her father will probably almost faint when he sees them, he hates tattoos but she didn't care. As she undresses she looks at the medication bottles that litter her vanity and she grabs a nearby bottle of water to take her nightly regime of pills. After she takes her medication, she looks at the scar down her chest. It had healed but she rarely wears any type of clothing that would dip low enough on her chest to reveal her scare to start just above the top for breasts. Christina had begged her all summer to go to the beach with her and the boys but Tris didn't feel comfortable, she wonders if she would ever feel comfortable exposing that much of her chest. She hated the questions and the looks and being reminded of why she was getting this second chance at life. She thinks back to Zeke's comment, he was right, she needed to let go of this unexplained feeling that she had about being selfish for wanting to experience things because of the person who lost their life for her to receive their heart. She just wasn't sure how just yet.
She puts her AirPods in and lays on her bed as she listens to Ready for Love by India Arie. She feels this ache, even though she feels more alive every day and tonight had been one of the best nights she had hanging out with her cousins but she always felt like the 5th wheel. When they had continued the conversation about things on her bucket list there was one thing she wanted that she hadn't written down and hadn't shared with anyone. She wanted to fall in love, she wanted to be in love, that type of love people wrote songs about, that filled your soul. She wanted to feel the love that she sees when Uriah looks at Christina when she is holding one of their kids, that complete adoration for the mother of his children. The love that she sees when Zeke saw Shauna after working a double shift, the way his eyes light up and you knew he missed her. The love that she saw when her father looked at the picture of her mother in the living room. She feels like there is a piece of her somewhere else and she just needs to find it but where she doesn't know.
She pulls out her guitar, over the years she had taught herself how to play guitar, it was something she could do when she couldn't go to school or when her cousins were outside playing. She had found in the past few months that she really liked to sing. She couldn't before due to her heart condition which affected her breathing capacity. Karaoke was up next on her list and she hadn't shared with anyone yet that she had been working on singing even though she suspected her father could hear her.
She strums a few cords and starts to play the song she was just listening to. She sings along softly to the words, putting everything she was feeling, letting the tears fall as she sings.
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately, I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful, and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
Six months Later
Tobias walks to the project management office house in the temporary trailer at the latest job he had designed. He wipes his hands over his face and his beard. He hadn't shaved in months, and his beard was scraggly and not trimmed neatly. Gabe sighs as he sees Tobias approach the office. Tobias had been such a great guy to work for before his wife died, he was fun and approachable. He really knew his stuff, which he still does but now, mostly everyone steered clear of him and his prickly disposition.
"Come on Amar, we could make it work" Tobias pleads
"Tobias, the crew is stretched thin already, you know that. I'm not overworking them without the funds to pay them at time and a half for the work on the community center. You knew that we agreed to do it for the amount. We simply cannot take that one without the additional funding right now, it's too much of a risk." Amar says pinching his nose with his fingers.
Amar was frustrated with Tobias and his continual pushing about the community center project. It wasn't as if he didn't want to complete the project but Tobias only looking at it from the aspect of what he promised his late wife, not the business side of things. He was still one of the most talented architects he had ever come across but Amar feared that if Tobias didn't pull himself out of his grief soon, he was going to lose his way forever. Tobias wanted to split his team into two for the next six months to finish the expansion of the Abnegation Community Center and the current job they were working on. Normally the job at the community center would take about three months to complete but there was still about $20,000 that needed to be raised. Since Lauren had heavily pushed for the project and had taken on most of the responsibility for fundraising, it had fallen by the wayside in the year since her death.
"Great, just great" Tobias snarls as he throws his pen across his desk in frustration.
"Tobias, I think it might be helpful if you try and talk to someone, you aren't thinking like a partner in this firm right now. I need you to get your head on straight. You know, George and I are here for you" Amar says quietly.
"I'm fine, Amar," Tobias says curtly as he leans back in his desk chair and looks at the ceiling. Amar pauses for a moment and sighs before he walks out of the trailer.
Tobias hated that he couldn't even fulfill the last thing that he promised his wife he would do before she died, he just had to find a way to raise the remainder of the money and complete the renovation of the community center. The hard part was he knew he was difficult to work with now, he had a short temper. He didn't miss the grumbles and sighs from everyone in the office when he walked away but he couldn't force himself to be that person who he used to be, not without her.
"How the hell am I going to do this?" he says quietly as he pulls out his phone and looks at the picture of Lauren that was still his background on his phone.
He grumbles as he sees a text from his best friend asking him to hang out with him that Friday night. One of the women Will was seeing had a friend that he thought Tobias should meet. Will had been hounding him for the past few months to go out with him for drinks. He had recently been trying to set Tobias up on blind dates to get him back in the swing of dating but Tobias wasn't interested. Tobias figured he would be alone for the rest of his life, the thought of being with anyone other than Lauren pulled him further down in the despair he was already in.
He finishes up at the worksite as fast as possible, he preferred to take work home now so he could just be alone without anyone asking how he was or if he needed anything. It annoyed him to no end. He didn't sleep much anymore so it didn't really matter how much work be brought home. Tobias sighs as he puts his key into the door of his brownstone. Every day was the same. It felt drab and uninviting like all the color had been sucked from the world. Will had been bugging him for weeks to hang out with him and even had some he wanted to introduce him to. He wasn't ready to date yet, he still saw Lauren everywhere. His parents had asked him if he wanted to sell the place and start over somewhere new but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even though it had been over a year, he just wasn't ready to let go yet.
As soon as he walks through the door, Pharaoh wags his tail waiting for him at the door like he does every day.
"Hey Buddy" he greets him as he throws down his bag and the latest set of plans for the expansion of the community center. He had hired a kid down the street to walk Pharaoh in the afternoons since all he did now was work. He tried to stay gone every day as long as possible. Sundays were the worst. When there was no work, he hated those days.
His place is a disaster. Tobias hadn't cared about anything since Lauren had died. A layer of dust covers almost everything. There are random shirts or jackets all over the kitchen table. Mostly everything in the fridge was expired. He would shove in a creamer for his coffee amidst the leftovers that he always said he would throw away but never did. His sister Marlene had cleaned up the place twice but threw her hands up after her last visit. She and their parents had done everything to try and get him to do something other than work and take pride to at least clean up his home but to no avail. A collection of take-out boxes littered the kitchen counter and table along with old magazines, and junk mail. Everyday Tobias walked past the chaos not really seeing it.
Right on time, the doorbell rings, with his delivery order.
"Hey Pharaoh," the cheerful delivery girl says as Tobias opens the door. Tobias could never remember her name. He didn't care as long as she was on time with his dinner.
"See you tomorrow night Mr. Eaton," she says, handing him his Chinese food and waving goodbye to Pharaoh as she heads down the steps to her car.
"We are gonna eat in here today, Pharaoh," Tobias says, walking to the kitchen with the dog bowl. He sets it on the kitchen counter. One drawer was filled with dog food and a measuring cup, he wasn't sure why anymore but it made it easier to feed Pharaoh. He takes the rice and puts some in the bow.
"I got some rice for you Pharoah," he calls as walks back to the foyer. Pharaoh cocks his head to the side and looks curiously at his owner and then goes back to his usual stance of looking at the door waiting for Lauren to come home.
"Come on Pharaoh, I'm not doing this anymore," he says annoyed and raising his voice an octave as Pharoah refuses to move from by the front door looking at it with a sad look in his eyes and a whimper.
"Come and eat Pharaoh" Tobias commands more forcefully as he walks into the kitchen grabbing the dog food bowl as Pharaoh looks at him and goes back to stand in front of the door waiting as he did faithfully every day for Lauren.
"God Damnit Pharaoh, come in the kitchen and eat like a normal person" Tobias snaps out raising his voice as Pharaoh steps back with his tail between his legs and whimpers holding his head down at the change in his owner's tone.
Tobias curses to himself under his breath, why couldn't the damn dog snap out of it that she wasn't ever going to walk through that door again. Tobias decides to try again, bringing the bowl closer for Pharaoh. Pharaoh looks at the bowl of rice and dog food and eats a bit as Tobias coaxes him into the kitchen backing up slowly as he continues to eat.
"Follow me, That's it, to the kitchen, That's it," Tobias says in a calmer tone than before.
Pharaoh makes it about halfway before he stops and goes back to his place waiting by the door. Tobias sighs and looks around him. He walks over to Pharaoh and puts the food bowl in front of him and Pharaoh happily starts eating his tail wagging again.
"You did good, boy, you made it halfway" Tobias praises patting Pharaoh on his back and rubbing him behind the ears as he eats.
"You gotta snap out of it though buddy, she's not coming back," Tobias whispers.
As soon as the words leave his mouth reality hits him like a ton of bricks. How the hell could he expect Pharaoh to snap out of it if he couldn't. He looks around the house, for the first time since Lauren died sees the chaos that he has been living in. He sees the trash, the dirty clothes, the junk that is everywhere. How did he let it get this far? A pang of guilt shifts over him. Lauren would have his head if she could see the state that he was in now. Everything that his parents, his sister, his best friend had been trying to see was suddenly right there in front of him. He feels his chest tighten, he couldn't hide from it anymore.
"I gotta do something different," He admits out loud to himself, rubbing the back of his neck as he stands up while Pharaoh continues to eat from the bow in front of him. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials Will's number.
"Hey Will, I'm gonna go out with you on Friday" Tobias relays as soon as his best friend picks up the phone. "Yeah, Where am I meeting you? The Pit? Yeah text me the address"
Tobias sighs when he hangs up the phone. He decides to text his sister.
Tobias: So I had a moment today, I see that I'm a bit of a mess. I'm really going to try to get it together. I could use some help.
Marlene: That's really great T., I'm so proud of you. Want me to come over to do dinner soon?
Tobias: Yeah Kid, that would be great.
Marlene: I've missed you Big Brother
Tobias feels a knot rise in his throat, he'd been wallowing in his grief for so long he hadn't realized how it had affected anyone else. Guilt runs through him but it was a real reminder that he needed to try and get back on track. He knew life would never be the same as it was with Lauren but it scared him to really think about what moving forward would look like.
Tobias: I missed you too.
Marlene and Lynn come over that very next evening to help Tobias start to sort out the house. Tobias smiles and shakes his head when his sister comes in with a couple of boxes of pizza and Lynn right behind her carrying some boxes.
"Really T. This is just disgusting, you could have gotten a housekeeper if you didn't feel like picking up after yourself," Marlene complains as she clears the kitchen table so they can eat as Tobias comes back in from taking Pharaoh out for his walk.
"Well, I didn't know when you said we would do dinner soon and you would help me get things in order that you meant like the next day" he replies with an eye roll.
"You know how she is when she gets into go mode" Lynn chuckles as she wipes off the tables as Marlene throws the contents of the table in a giant black trash bag.
"How do you know that there's not anything important in there" Tobias complains as he washes his hands and tries to find something to drink in the fridge.
"Point Taken" he gives in as Marlene looks at him with her lips pursed. Even in his funk he at least kept the bills paid and left anything important from the mail near the front door.
Over dinner, Marlene gets Tobias to think about what he would want to do to redecorate the place. It was going to be hard but he needed to do this. He couldn't keep living like this. Tobias agrees to Lynn redesigning the space of the brownstone. She makes some notes in every room about the ideas that she has. Tobias is impressed at her visualization and he thinks he could utilize her with some of the spaces he was working on at the firm. Tobias agrees to new living room furniture, new bedroom furniture, and new color schemes.
"Can we do something about this Grizzly Adams look you have going on here too? I mean beard gang is a thing now and chicks dig it, but this is a bit too much." Marlene says motioning to Tobias waving her hand up and down in front of him as they take inventory of the living room.
"Is it really that bad?" Tobias asks with his eyebrow raised.
"Ummmm Yes" Marlene and Lynn respond at exactly the same time which causes Tobias to start laughing.
He knows he really hadn't cared for the past year what he looked like, he really thinks it was before Lauren died the last time he shaved. He reached up and felt his beard realizing it was bushier than he realized. He felt the top of his head and his curls seemed out of control too. The three of them laugh for a few minutes and Marlene playfully tugs at his curly hair on his head, she can't remember the last time she saw him laugh like this.
When they reach the master bedroom Tobias hesitates when Lynn asks to see the master closets. Tobias had the walk-in closet specially built for Lauren when they bought the brownstone. He had made sure she had special space for her shoes, jewelry, and handbags. Marlene gives him an encouraging rub on his shoulders. All of Lauren's things were still hanging in her side of the closet just as they had been when she was alive.
"I haven't been able to bring myself to move any of it," Tobias says, almost ashamed of his actions.
"Don't feel bad T." Lynn encourages. "This is something that isn't easy"
"You two should pick out what you want, I guess we could donate the rest," he says running his fingers over one of Lauren's favorite dresses. Some of them still smelled like her and there had been nights in the first few months after she died when he fell asleep holding a piece of her clothing breathing in her scent.
"I have a better idea, There's so much high-end stuff in here, you know Lauren loved herself some Prada, Christian Louboutin, and Yves St. Lauren. What if I take it to a high-end consignment shop that resells and we take the money and donate it to Abnegation?" Marlene suggests.
"I really like that idea," Tobias says with a smile. It felt like she was still making an impact even after she was gone and wouldn't be like he was just throwing it out.
Marlene and Lynn look at the time and promise to be back on Saturday. Lynn recommends Tobias get a box to put special things from Lauren in that he can pull out instead of everything around him being something that was hers.
That night as he lays in bed waiting for sleep to come Tobias runs the fingers of his right hand over his empty ring finger on his left hand. He had placed his wedding ring with Lauren in her coffin, but he wished he had kept it. As he tries to fall asleep, he feels the familiar emptiness that he has since the night his wife died. He wondered if there would ever be a time when he didn't feel it.
