Slowly Lily made her way back to the apartment hoping this weekend would be better than the last. It had been three weeks since the fourth anniversary of Bailey's disappearance and as per usual the somber feeling had spread over the entire month. No matter where they went they couldn't escape that horrible feeling of deep longing. The house always felt empty and whenever they went anywhere else they were plagued by guilt. It didn't feel right having a good time when they didn't have a clue what sort of life Bailey was living, if he was living at all. Her parents tried their best to carry on as normal but she understood how difficult it was. It was impossible to move on when they didn't know what happened to Bailey. Sometimes she wondered if things would have been easier if they'd found a body; she would do anything for Bailey to be alive but as time went on it seemed less likely. Especially after she overheard her parents talking one night about a missing pill bottle, it hadn't been a huge shock as she'd always sensed there was something they weren't telling her. She didn't blame them for keeping it a secret in fact she often wished she'd never found out. Bailey was her cheerful older brother who used to build forts with her in the living room even after starting high school. And when they staying at her fathers the cabin he would wake her up in the middle of the night and take her outside to see the stars, he'd tell her the names on constellations and make up little stories about the stars. He was always so full of joy and life. It was difficult to imagine the happiest person she'd ever known in so much pain.

On the days when her dad would barely utter a single word and her mom would spend all day crying, she found herself filled with anger and resentment. Why didn't Bailey say goodbye? Didn't he love them enough to give them answers? She absolutely despised herself for feeling that way but some days it's all she felt, and all she wanted to do was scream until her throat was raw or to break something into a million pieces. But a few months ago she learnt she wasn't the only one who felt that way.

Her dad had picked her up from swim practice and taken her out for ice cream just like he used to with Bailey after baseball. They had been sitting on a park bench when she found her gaze fixed on two children running around the nearby park. She couldn't help but think about when that was her and Bailey, he'd chase her around for hours and he'd push her on the swings until his arms felt like they were going to drop off, much to her parents chagrin he even taught her how to climb the trees on the outskirts of the playground. Lily always knew she was lucky to have a big brother who enjoyed spending so much time with her, She just never realised how lucky until she lost him.

"I'm mad at him" spit out Lily regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

"Who?" asked Kelly confused by her random statement. Lily remained quiet not wanting to confess how she was feeling, she didn't want her dad to be ashamed of her.

"Who Lily?" He repeated his gentle tone making her guilt intensify. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears and it grew louder and louder every second until she felt like her head was going to explode.

"Bailey" she blurted out regretting it as soon as word name left her mouth.

"Does that make me a horrible person?"she croaked out, Kelly didn't pause even for a second he instantly pulled Lily into a warm hug.

"No kiddo not at all, it's ok" he soothed his warm voice easing the pain in her heart. With her fathers gentle reassurances she found herself letting out everything that had weighing on her mind for a very long time.

"I love him but why he didn't say goodbye?" She yelled looking up at her farther with sorrow filled eyes. As she continued to talk her anger increased until she found herself shaking with rage.

"Couldn't he have given us a stupid phone call or at least left a letter, he could've done something to tell us why we weren't enough",

"Didn't we deserve that?" she screamed staring out into the distance as if somehow Bailey could hear her. She was well aware other people were staring but she didn't care anymore.

"Shh it's ok, I get mad too sometimes"

"You do?" She questioned disbelief lacing her words. Her father did his best to keep his emotions to himself. He was often quiet and withdrawn; on his worst day's he barely spoke to anyone and there was always a heaviness in his tone that never used to be there before, but he always did his best to keep his cool in front of her.

"Yeah and so does Brittany, Matt and even your mom",

"What do you do? When you feel ... like all you want to do is break something",

"I used to do silly things like getting into fights and other bad stuff",

"But now?"

"I learnt to talk to your mom, or your uncle Matt. You don't talk to us anymore Lily. It's ok I understand but you need to talk to someone, you can't carry all this on your own kiddo" as he spoke he delicately rubbed her back helping her breathing to even out, she hadn't realised she'd started hyperventilating.

"But know this I may not know why Bailey left but I do know he loved you Lily. Maybe that's why he didn't say goodbye because he knew it would be too hard". The girl stayed silent as she soaked in his comforting word, she always felt safe in his embrace.

"I love you Lily and you make me proud everyday".

When Lily turned onto her street she noticed a familiar truck parked outside, a smile appeared on her face as she sped up her pace and headed into her apartment building. If Matt was visiting maybe the night wouldn't be too bad. She knew he also struggled during this time of year but not nearly as bad as her dad. Admittedly Bailey was a lot closer to Matt than she was, but that wasn't really a surprise. After all Matt had been a big help raising Bailey before her mom came into the picture. But that wasn't saying Lily didn't have a strong bond with Matt. He and Sylvie used to take her out on day trips in the early days of Bailey's disappearance. Now whenever her parents were struggling she tended to stay the night and the two blonde's would attend the events her parents couldn't stomach. She understood why her dad could never watch her swimming competitions or volleyball matches, they brought back memories of Bailey and baseball. The sport haunted her father as he was positive Bailey quitting baseball had some link to his disappearance, he constantly berated himself for not seeing that something was wrong. Matt had once explained to her that Kelly was terrified of putting pressure on her by showing too much enthusiasm, and whenever he sat in the stands Kelly found himself analysing everything until he felt like he was going to be sick. Therefore Matt and Sylvie always made sure they showed up to support her; her parents did different things to show their support like taking her fishing or playing board games once a week. They used to have family film night but it felt wrong without Bailey, however the boy had resented board games hence why that became their Saturday night entertainment,

Even after Sylvie and Matt had a child of their own they never turned their backs on her. In fact ever since the birth of Sammy Matt did his very best to make sure she never slipped away, she was very similar to Kelly in the way she often secluded herself when battling with her feelings. She remembered how surprised she was when she saw Matt in the stands during her first swimming competition after Sammy was born, that was when Matt promised her that no matter what happened he'd always be there for her. Sammy was Matt and Sylvie's gorgeous little boy who at first Lily had done her to best to avoid, not because she was jealous. No in fact she adored the little boy but she had feared people would see it as her trying to replace Bailey. Until one day her father sat her down and gently asked why she was avoiding Matt and Sammy. She remembered his words clear as day after she'd admitted her worries,

"No one will ever replace Bailey, but you can't close your self off from everyone else you have a wonderful kind heart, Bailey would want you to spread that kindness" . Since then she'd taken a shining to Sammy who was now a mischievous two year old. If they were spending time with the Casey's there was a high chance this weekend would be brighter.

However Lily felt all her hope slip away as she opened the door, the room was so quiet you could a hear a pin drop. Matt was knelt down on the floor cleaning something up and her parents were nowhere to be seen. As she stepped closer towards her uncle confusion flashed across her face. Matt was picking up the pieces of a broken photo frame, a few specks stained the photo. She recognised it as one of the most recent photographs they had of Bailey. She could tell because of his cropped hair. Bailey used to have thick brown hair that stuck up in different directions no matter what they did but that was the way he'd always liked it. Until a few months before he disappeared when he'd buzzed it all off reasoning that it would be easier to maintain. Brittany had been devastated and Lily believed her father had been too but he'd pretended for Bailey's sake. The photo was of Bailey and his baseball team, but now she looked closely at it she noticed for the first time that her brothers smile was forced. She couldn't understand why as she was pretty sure the photo was taken after a really successful game. Bailey had loved baseball more than anything and he was also incredibly good at pitching. Lots of people believed Bailey had a bright future in the world of baseball especially his coach. Everybody knew Bailey was his favourite player, but no one was surprised because Bailey was well Bailey, his cheerfulness and easy going nature attracted people like a moth to a flame. Everybody loved him.

Lily couldn't understand how the photo got broken, anything relating to Bailey whether it was a photograph or an old reading book was treated like a priceless artefact by her parents. Not that she minded she actually felt comforted by all the reminders dotted around the house and station fifty one. In fact she hated visiting new places, places devoid of any trace of Bailey. But she knew not everybody took comfort in constant reminders, Bailey's mother Brittany was a prime example. Lily used to go over there sometimes and not just because of Bailey. One of Bailey's step brothers George was only a few months older than her and they had become good friends. After Bailey went missing Brittany didn't want her around anymore, apparently she reminded her of Bailey too much. But Lily never understood how, her hair was much darker than her brothers; Bailey resembled their father where as Lily had always looked like a younger version of her mother. She missed visiting George but she respected Brittany's wish. Even her father only saw Brittany once or twice a year, there wasn't really a reason for them to keep in touch anymore.

"What happened?" She inquired softly as she bent down next to Matt. The man paused for a few seconds before turning towards her and giving her a sad smile, it was then she realised he'd be crying. A lump formed in her throat as numerous scenarios flashed through her head.

"it's been a tough day" whispered the firefighter finally breaking his silence.

"Are mum and dad ok?", Matt stopped again and stared down at the shatter frame in front of him before casting a glance towards the bathroom.

"Not really Lily, I think it going to a rough night for them, would you like to come over and stay with me and Sylvie?" Matt asked softly but despite his warm tone she knew it wasn't really a question, she'd been expecting it as soon as she stepped through the door. Her parents always tried their best to shield her from the worst of things. She could tell it was going to be impossible for them to conceal their feelings tonight. Now she was closer to the hallway she could hear the sound of hushed voices coming from the bathroom.

"Ok, I guess I better go get my things" she responded softly before padding towards her room careful not to tread on the remnants of the picture frame. Lily stopped in her tracks when she heard Matt calling her name,

"Lily everything is going to be ok" he promised and she nodded before looking towards the bathroom again, the door had been left open enough for her too see both of her parents. As she took in the sight a shiver ran down her spine. She could hear her mom speaking softly to her dad as she wrapped what looked like a white bandage around his hand. For the first time in her life she wasn't so sure she believed Matt's really terrible must have happened for her father to destroy a photo of Bailey.

Mechanically she began stuffing a few of her things into her bag, she didn't need to take much stuff with her as she already had quite a few belongings at the Casey household. Sylvie had once told her that they didn't really have a guest room it was Lily's room, it was her sanctuary. Lastly she opened her closet and reached under a pile of old clothes and picked up a small brown bear clad in a firefighter's outfit, Bailey's old teddy bear. As she got older she had gotten more and more attached to Bailey, she used to hate it when he went back to his mother's. She'd cling onto his leg and beg for him to stay, so one day before he left he retrieved his beloved bear Bruno and handed it to her. He told her that the bear was magic and whenever she hugged Bruno he'd feel it too. Normally she kept the bear hidden safely in her closet but today she was desperate to be to close to brother, and Bruno was the closest she could get.

Lily knew she wasn't the only one who seeked comfort from Bailey's possessions , her father kept Bailey's old baby blanket in his office at fifty one. She'd found it when she'd been told to stay there after getting in trouble at been searching for something to do when she came across the pale blue blanket. The corner's had been chewed and the pale blue pattern had begun to fade but the embroidered lettering was still immaculate. Lily wasn't surprised after all the stitching had been added by Cindy Hermann. Most importantly the blanket still smelt of Bailey but there was another scent latching onto it, her fathers. Lily was pulled out of her thoughts by a shaky voice,

"Bruno". Lily turned to see her mom standing in the door way. Her heart clenched as she took in her mother's appearance, Stella's eyes were red and puffy; her body was stiff with tension. Lily gave her mom a small smile as she offered out the bear which her mom tentatively took. The young girl watched with a heavy heart as her mom hugged the bear tightly to her chest. It was always difficult to see her mom in so much pain. She was the strongest person Lily knew and seeing her so fragile was an extremely rare occurrence. Stella gave the bear one last squeeze before straightening the bears helmet and delicately placing Bruno inside Lily's back pack. The teen then slung the bag over her shoulder just before her mom pulled her into a warm embrace.

"I love you Lily", automatically she leaned in closer and murmured into her mother's shoulder.

"Love you too Mom",

"Sorry about this Lily its just, here isn't a great place for you to be right now",

"Mom what's going on?"

"I promise we'll explain when you come back, just not tonight" Stella finished her tone becoming increasingly quieter and more distant, as if she was running out of energy.

Once they broke apart shuffled out of her bedroom, immediately she noticed her father sitting at the dining room table staring emptily at the table. She took Matt's position by the door as a sign to leave her father alone. Hesitantly Lily headed towards the door when wordlessly Kelly rose out of his chair and pulled her into a hug just like her mother did. But unlike Stella Kelly didn't utter a single word he just held her tight. They stood there for a long time soaking in each other's warmth but to Lily it still didn't feel like long enough. As she cast one glance at her parents before being guided out of the apartment by Matt. Her limbs felt heavy and every inch felt more like a mile, she didn't want to leave. She needed to know what was going on. She had a feeling that her parents finally had answers, and whatever they were they seemed to only cause more pain. Despite the hell they'd already been through it was nothing compared to the agony the next few months were going to bring.

Thank you for reading.