TW- self harm, sexual abuse, mentions of suicide. (Bailey won't die in this story)
Please enjoy, this chapter was difficult to write, it felt quite clunky. I hope it's ok now and that I managed to edit out most of the mistakes.
Please let me know if I need to add any more trigger warnings.
The next few months were hell. The case of Bailey's old baseball Coach Jackson Fowler went to court and the entire process was miserable. Neither Kelly or Stella attended the trial they tired to but the idea of listening to the heart rendering statements of the other victims filled them with agony. Kelly wondered if that made him a coward but he didn't care, he couldn't bear to listen. The jury reached their verdict after only a day, Jackson Fowler was sentenced to ten years in prison, but it wasn't long enough; then again fifty years wouldn't have been enough. The end of the court case did nothing to end the Severide family's misery, in fact it intensified their sadness. They felt completely lost as what to do next. They found themselves stumbling through most days barely feeling alive. Things had been incredibly tense since a gigantic argument broke out between Kelly and Lily. It took a lot to make Lily snap or rebel, after Bailey disappeared she'd always felt the need to be perfect and to never cause her parents problems. But there was one thing she wasn't willing to sacrifice. Swimming had been her way of coping over the years, It was something she could put all of her energy into. When she was competing she could forget about the world around her. But Now her father wanted to take that away from her. Kelly didn't want her to compete anymore, he didn't want to risk loosing her too. Stella had tried her best to intervene but nothing she did or said worked. Nobody could really blame Kelly's panic, it may have been extremely overprotective but after everything it was understandable. But that did nothing to ease Lily's anger at her father. Which was why she had been spending most of her time with the Casey's. So Kelly started taking extra shifts and doing anything he could to avoid being at home and Stella had been following suit, after all there was no point in her going home to an empty apartment. They had always believed finding answers would make their loss easier to live with, but ever since discovering the reason Bailey disappeared they'd lost what little happiness they had. Their world had truly fallen into darkness.
Once again Bailey was stood in the shower allowing the cascading water to drown his thoughts, this time the water was boiling hot thanks to the recently fixed heater. A stinging sensation spread through him as the water grazed his arms, some of his worst habits had returned over the past few weeks and they'd left their mark. Ever since he saw that monster on the news he'd felt like he was slowly suffocating. Bailey had made a habit over the years of checking the news for Chicago just in case his father's or Stella's crew had gotten into any trouble. But he never expected to find out that the monster that destroyed his life was serving fifteen years in prison. The news had sent him plummeting into deep dark place. He now knew going home would never be an option, not now that his family knew the truth. He was filled with guilt and shame for not being the one to send that bastard to prison.
He'd been stumbling through the days but he wasn't sure how much longer he could carry on. He felt like he was already dead. He could barely recall the previous day, he vaguely remembered turning up to work ; then somebody called him pretty boy, everything after that was a blur. The words had stuck in his mind poisoning every thought he had. He must have walked out in the middle of his shift. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten home or even if he still had a job. But he didn't care about any of that anymore, he just wanted to feel clean. No matter how hard he scrubbed at his skin he could never rid himself of that horrible dirty feeling.
"Pretty boy, my gorgeous boy" he remembered the blinding pain and feelings of shame that had used ton accompany those words. He wondered if the person from the garage would have called him pretty boy if they knew the truth. If they had seen the burns marring his forearms, the angry cuts littering his thighs, or the way he cried himself to sleep every night would they still think he was pretty.
There's was one other thought occupying his mind, crawling around his brain like a spider on a web. What were his parents were thinking right now? He wondered how disgusted they were now they knew what happened. Did they still talk about him or had he been forgotten? Part of him hoped they'd pushed him out of their minds; being forgotten would be better than being hated. He hoped they'd moved on with their lives, he hated the idea that they were suffering because of him. Bailey switched off the water but he found himself unable to move. He should've fought back, he should've done more but instead he ran away like a coward. If he'd told those other boys wouldn't have gotten hurt, they wouldn't be damaged like him. Bailey found himself slumping down into the bath, he pulled his knees towards himself as he urged the hollow feeling in chest to disappear. This happened a lot more often than he cared for admit, he either spent his days crying or sleeping to avoid the sadness consuming him. But tonight was the worst the emptiness had ever felt, he had a feeling this was all his life was ever going to be. He'd never get away from his mistakes no matter how far he ran. His pain would be never ending. He wanted everything to stop.
Bailey was jolted into consciousnesses by a hand delicately shaking his shoulder and the sound of a gentle voice,
"Bailey wake up for me". As the words pierced through the fog clouding Bailey's mind he tried to move away from the touch but he was paralysed by exhaustion. He sluggishly opened his eyes to see a woman crouching down next to him, Marley. The only person he had. The woman had taken it upon herself to look out for him over the last two years even though he was a lost cause. She was only a few years older than her father and she'd helped him get his job at the garage and find his flat. She'd offered for him to stay in her spare bedroom but that had been too much for Bailey. He helped her once and now she seemed to believe it was her duty to look out for him. She wasn't the sort of caring person who wanted to help everyone, in fact to outsiders she could often seem harsh and closed off. But for reasons he couldn't understand she cared about him, he'd become her burden.
"Look at me Bailey" she urged her voice was warm and gentle, he always found himself marvelling at her ability to remain calm even in an emergency. It was moments like this that she reminded him of Stella, she used to use the same tone when he got sick or injured when he was little. He remembered sitting on the bathroom counter as she placed a brightly coloured plaster on his knee,
"You're the bravest person I know" she'd say before planting a kiss on his forehead. Maybe that was why he trusted Marley, why he'd let her help him.
"Have you taken anything?" he shook his head slightly, he found himself struggling to find the energy to do anything more than that ; he didn't trust himself speak he doubted anything he said would come out coherently.
"Promise, took nothing" he mumbled.
"Please Bailey I won't be angry but I need to know the truth ",he understood why she didn't believe him but he still found himself getting annoyed.
"Promise didn't take anything"he muttered. He then pulled his knees even closer towards him as he felt her eyes scrutinising him. He groaned as he realised it was too late to hide the damage he'd recently inflicted on himself. She knew about the things he did to himself but she believed it was in the past. He turned his head away from her, he didn't feel ready to see the disappointment in her eyes. He had been doing fine for a little while by going on long runs or ringing Marley instead . But on the anniversary of his disappearance he'd found himself falling into a bad place again; finding out about Jackson being sentenced to prison had tipped him over the edge. He hadn't wanted to tell Marley he'd relapsed, so over the past few months he'd been trying to deal with it by himself.
The thing he hated the most was the worry that shined in her eyes. Instead of saying anything she placed a towel over the side of the bath before disappearing out of the room. Maybe he'd finally gotten too much for her to handle, he'd finally succeeded at pushing her away. A tear slipped down his face as a sob escaped his throat, he was going to spend the rest of his life alone and broken. It was what he deserved.
"Oh Bailey" he looked up to see Marley holding a pair of fresh clothes, in his numb state he must have neglected to put out a change of clothes before jumping in the shower.
"You're really bad at keeping on top of laundry, It took me ages to find these" she chuckled quietly trying to lighten the mood. But he just stared at her numbly not even bothering to grab the towel off the side.
"I'll go make us something to eat while you get dressed" she smiled before exiting the bathroom, he guessed it was her way of allowing him to preserve the tiny bit of dignity he had left.
Bailey shuffled into the kitchen keeping his head down, Marley was busy stirring something in a pot. He didn't have any food in the flat, she must have stopped at the store on her way over.
"Why do you care?" he croaked, Marley lifted up her head and Bailey found himself squirming under her kind gaze.
"I love you Bailey, you're family",
"Why?",She knew everything about him even the ugliest parts of him, how could she possibly love him?
"You're a good person" , Bailey scoffed as he shook his head in disagreement.
"If you were my kid I'd want you back Bailey regardless", the dark haired man gulped at that,
"But I'm not your kid, my family... they won't want me back", he knew how his father felt about people running away. He may have only been six years old when Benny died but he knew that his father had harboured a lot anger against the man when he died. His dad would think he was a coward for leaving just like his grandfather. And there was the all things Bailey had done during in the time he'd been missing. He could imagine how devastated his mother and Stella would be. And then there was Lily she deserved a better brother, someone who could protect her. He wasn't the same person they loved. Returning would only cause them pain.
"They're better off without me".
Bailey did his best to try and persuade Marley to go home but she insisted on staying the night, she wouldn't even let him take the couch. He always felt guilty whenever she felt the need to stay the night but he'd be lying if he said it didn't bring him a little bit of comfort. He closed his bedroom door before collapsing onto his bed and burying himself under the covers in an attempt to drown out the shivers running down his spine. Normally he'd jump in the shower again or go out for a walk but he doubted Marley would let him do any of those things.
Less than five minutes later he found himself throwing off the covers and opening his bedroom drawer. He stared at the metal object poking out of one of his socks before slamming it closed again and reaching for his phone instead. He typed in a number he'd known off by heart since he was ten years old before staring down at the screen his heart pounding in his chest. His home phone number, he wondered if anyone would even answer. It wasn't the first time he'd found himself in this position in fact it was a weekly occurrence. He contemplated dialling just so he could hear the sound of their voices on the answering machine, but he had no idea what he'd do if they answered. He tossed his phone onto his bedside table before flopping down onto his bed and curling up tightly into a ball.
"They deserve better".
Marley pressed her ear up against Bailey's bedroom door, her heart clenched as she listened to the soft sound of Bailey crying. She couldn't let Bailey carry on like this, the day had been a sobering reminder of how easily she could loose him. It wasn't until a few months ago that he'd told her how he ended up on the streets, her heart had broken for him and the family he'd left behind. All she had wanted to do was call them, to let the know their son was alive. But against her better judgment she didn't betray his trust, she didn't want to risk him running away to somewhere she couldn't keep an eye on him. However she could now see she'd made the wrong decision, things had been only getting worse for Bailey, he needed his family and she didn't have a doubt in her mind that they needed him too.
I hope you enjoyed.
Things are going to get better I promise.
Thank you for reading and have a great day.
