Boarding and School
Jack was a bit puzzled and a bit exasperated. Alex and four adults had all turned up on the doorstep at two in the morning. In balaclavas. "Hi, Jack."
Jack nearly screamed. "Alex. They said you were captured."
Alex removed the head covering. "I was. I escaped with the help of these fine men and women. Can we come in now?"
Jack sighed. "Alright. They aren't MI6, are they?"
There was a snort from one of the men. "Hell, no. If they were MI6, I would have left 'em to rot. I guess the real adults get actual rescues."
Jack didn't bother correcting Alex. His bloodthirst regarding MI6 had been a point of contention in their three-person household. Tom bounced down the stairs as Jack slammed the door behind the last adult. "ALEX!"
Tom ran at him and nearly bowled him over with a hug. Jack smiled faintly. "Welcome home, Alex."
Tom paused. "Wait, you aren't injured, right?"
Alex laughed. "Probably should have asked before you hugged."
Tom rolled his eyes. "So, midnight snack?"
Jack sighed. "Can they at least remove the balaclavas?"
The four adults slowly pulled off their face coverings. There was a red-head with a weather-beaten face, a rather attractive Thai woman, a man who could have come from anywhere in Europe, and an elderly woman. The redhead grinned. "A spot of tea would be nice. If you've got anything stronger, it would be wonderful."
The elderly woman elbowed the man in the ribcage. "He means we shall start with introductions. I am The Countess."
Jack was suddenly reminded of her attempts to teach Alex manners and felt a small smile appear. "I'm Jack, the short one is Tom."
Tom opened his mouth. One look from The Countess shut him up. The redhead extended his hand. "Gordon. The quiet scowling one is Yermalov."
Yermalov glared at her. Who pissed in his cheerios? The Thai woman glided forward. "I'm Jet."
Jack made for the tea box. Should she use nice porcelain? Probably. Alex had, of course, given no warning whatsoever. Jack sighed a put the kettle on. "Who wants Ian's scotch?"
Gordon raised his hand and so did the boys. "Let me rephrase, who wants Ian's scotch and is legally able to drink it?"
The boys put their hands down. "Good."
Jack lightly set the bottle down in front of Gordon. Gordon looked at the bottle. "Ooooh, Lagavulin."
Jack knew absolutely nothing about scotch, so she assumed that was good. "So, are any of you going to explain what happened?"
Alex yawned. "Probably in the morning."
Jack sighed. "I'm liking MI6 less and less."
Alex grinned and bit into a ginger snap. "Alan Blunt has the charisma of a dead, dried-up slug. Can't blame you."
Jack handed him another ginger snap. This had better wrap up before dawn.
Alex woke up to the sound of Gordon and Tom talking. He raced to get dressed so the house wouldn't burn down. "And then-"
They both abruptly stopped talking as Alex walked in. "What were you two talking about?"
Two identical looks of mischief let Alex know that they were fucked. "Gordon, you remember the part of the 'house rules' where I eat your entrails if you burn down the house, right?"
Gordon pouted. "We weren't plotting arson."
Alex fixed him with a look. "I'm going to choose to believe you until after I eat breakfast."
Gordon waited until he was almost out of earshot. "Involving your house."
Alex narrowed his eyes but decided that it wasn't his problem. Yermalov was glaring at the breakfast that was served. "It's a quiche."
Yermalov said it in the same way someone normal might say "it's made of horseshit."
Alex glared at him. "Just eat it. It's probably delicious."
Yermalov huffed. "The cholesterol-"
The Countess elbowed him. "Don't be rude."
Jet was also glaring Yermalov into submission. "Jack, dear, would you mind if I took over the cooking? A few of us have dietary restrictions and I wouldn't want to be a bother."
Alex took another helping of the eggs. Jack hated cooking, but Alex was a little leery of Jet doing cooking of any kind. "That would be wonderful!"
Fuck. Alex just knew this was going to go wrong. The Countess looked at both Alex and Tom. "Is their school in session?"
Tom looked embarrassed. "Well, it's an online school."
Jack sighed. "The school blew up shortly after Alex went on his current assignment."
Alex hoped it had blown up all the lesson plans and homework. "Don't worry, Alex, everything was saved virtually."
Double fuck. Seeing his expression, Gordon decided to intervene. "Don't worry, Alex, we can help tutor you."
Jack looked at the four of them skeptically. "You're teachers?"
Gordon grinned madly. "We taught at a school for gifted children. Alex even attended!"
Jack's eyes narrowed, but Alex knew that she wasn't going to question someone else teaching the material. "When can you start?"
Gordon elbowed a scowling Yermalov. "After breakfast."
Doom. He was doomed.
Gordon was happy for the first time in ages. He got a student and another student. Tom was great. He wasn't sure why Alex didn't want them together. Tom had wonderful story-telling abilities. And all of those details that Alex left out. Who knew that the rich snob girl tried to cheat on her rich snob boyfriend with Alex while he was impersonating her brother. Dang, talk about weird mindfucks. Poor Alex was probably traumatized for life just from that. Not to mention that creepy-sounding dinner with Julia Rothman. Man, there had been rumors, but can we say confirmed pedophile. Don't get him started on Alan of course we're not paying you or giving you proper medical care while we dangle a bunch of mercenary companies in front of you, nothing could go wrong Blunt. Gordon had never been his biggest fan, but he wished Alex would hurry it up with Blunt's "accident." Alex sat down in their makeshift classroom. Gordon had to say that the library with desks was convenient. Ian probably planned for this sort of thing. Or taught Alex during breaks like the sadistic fuck he was. "So, chemistry."
Alex's eyes narrowed. The computers were running on mute in the background. Attendance points. The teacher was useless in the online formats. Case in point, the man still had the cap on his camera. "Let's get started on the concepts the school wants you to know."
Gordon would have preferred his homemade napalm lab but knew Alex would probably kill him in his sleep. Especially if he taught Tom. Gordon had never met anyone who shared so much of his love for arson before. They'd divided up the classes. Gordon took math and hard sciences. Jet would take biology, botany, and some electives. The Countess would do languages, grammar, and etiquette, plus some of the home economics stuff. Yermalov did PE and history. Who knew the guy secretly loved British history? Since it was private lessons, they gave Tom a lot more free time with his school computer running in the background, even if they had to do the hilariously easy and short homework from the school. Gordon made sure they got extra homework. In the time Tom slept in, Alex got more assassin training. The kid had helpfully shown them a secret room that Ian had designed for the purpose. Jet had found more than a few of her favorite plants in the garden. All in all, they were going to be stuck here for a while, so they may as well be helpful. They didn't want to wear out their welcome with Jack and Tom. Gordon paused on the lecture he was doing on mostly autopilot while he mused. "Everything going okay?"
Alex and Tom paused in their notes. "I think so?"
Gordon grinned. "Don't worry, we'll get you up to speed."
Alex was still not taking traditional payments. No, they did not accept 'free housing.' And, no, they were not going to be stuck owing Alex eight thousand favors, unlike his classmates. If only Alex would start taking their damn money. Alex, you trained as a mercenary, damnit.
Eijit was pleasantly surprised that Jack was good company. Jack smiled at her as she went down the stairs. "Thank you for cooking, Jet. Your dishes are lovely."
Jet mixed in some honey with the yogurt she was serving for breakfast. There would be granola, fruit, and a small number of vegetables for Yermalov. The loon liked vegetables with his yogurt. "Thank you, Jack."
Jack leaned in a bit. Jet thought she was rather attractive. "So, how is Alex doing?"
Jet smiled. "He should be caught up on everything in another few weeks."
At least, he would be for the subjects taught in public schools. "You know, I have to wonder. What's a nice woman like you doing with a miscreant like Gordon?"
Jet shuddered at the mental images that were brought up. Gordon was...not her type. "I'm single. Has Gordon been telling tales again?"
Jack snorted. "No, he's been surprisingly civilized. I'm not fooled, though."
Jet smiled. "Oh, yes, Gordon is a man of ill-repute."
She'd learned that from The Countess. Jack giggled. "At least he's still in love with Ian's scotch collection. It'll keep him from flirting with you for a while."
Jet paused in her stirring. Jack may have the right idea. "Oh, yes. Gordon's never met a scotch or a lighter he didn't like."
There was a companionable silence for a bit. "What's Professor Yermalov's deal?"
Jet sighed. "Dear me, we've tried everything. He's simply not a people person."
Jack rolled her eyes. "He makes Ian look open and honest."
Jet sighed and placed the yogurt on the table. Cutting the fruit would come next. "Let's not spoil the morning discussing Ian. Tell me, Jack, do you have any hobbies?"
Jack colored a bit. "I knit."
Jet smiled. "I make soaps."
Jack blinked. "You could do that here, I'm sure Alex wouldn't mind."
Jet finished off the strawberries first. "I'm afraid that I would stink up the house. Plus, your pots would be ruined."
Jack pouted. "Darn, I kind of wanted to watch."
Jet wrapped up Yermalov's precious vegetables and resisted the urge to slip a few rosary peas into them. Alex would likely not be pleased if she poisoned Yermalov after he went to the trouble of rescuing and sheltering him. "Why don't you show me your knitting after breakfast?"
Jack beamed at her and then bit her lip. "It's not very good."
Jet shrugged. "We all have to start somewhere. I burned my first round of soap wax. Not to mention the perfumes have to be added at the right temperatures."
Jack giggled. "That's alright, then."
Jet followed Jack into the dining room. Alex was eyeing them suspiciously. Jet almost snorted. She knew she was still attractive enough to capture the attention of poor, lonely, and, if the looks Jack shot at her backside were any indication, very likely bisexual Jack. Jet already had the first set of romantic gifts planned. "Why don't you have some breakfast, Jack?"
Jack sat down and took some of the food. "It looks wonderful, Jet."
Alex's eyes narrowed further. Poor baby, Alex was just going to have to accept that Jack could date. Jet smiled at him and he gulped. Good boy. Perhaps he would tell her what scents Jack liked.
Tom knew that Alex's new tutors were super shady. The Countess lady might, might be a retired English teacher. The rest? Not so much. Gordon was an alcoholic and a pyro. The man was also very, very interested in Alex's mistreatment at Blunt's hands. He would have normally kept quiet, but Tom was a bit lonely, and, well, Gordon had heavily implied that he could do something about it. Tom was all for revenge on Alan Blunt. Even three weeks with proper tutors instead of whoever the hell MI6 felt like sending showed a lot of improvement. Tom could see that Alex was starting to have more faith in his essays and homework. The teachers had asked Tom about the thing. Tom had lied and said that online access helped a very ill Alex access his classes when he felt up to it, but not necessarily walking the whole way to school. Thankfully, they had accepted that answer. Gordon plonked down next to him. "Stuck?"
The man looked hopeful. "Er, not really. I kind of zoned out."
Gordon patted him on the shoulder. "Just try to focus again. I know that whatever undiagnosed learning disorder you have isn't making it easy."
Tom sighed. "My parents probably don't even read the emails the school sends home."
Gordon grinned. "I do now."
Tom dropped his pencil. "I read the entire set of emails the school sent. Do you want to get help and piss off your parents at the same time?"
Tom looked at the redhead. "I love you."
Gordon laughed his ass off. "Why don't you wait until after all the doctor's appointments I've arranged for you and Alex to say that."
Tom stared. "Don't those normally take months?"
Gordon smiled. "Call it good luck. Now do your chemistry homework."
Tom muttered under his breath and stared at the chemistry problem. "Call it bribery, more like."
Gordon snorted as the door shut. Tom took that to mean he was right.
Gordon was woken up by the sound of Alex screaming. He grabbed his firearm and went up to Alex's room. He crept down the hall and carefully opened the door while turning on the light. Nobody was there. "Alex?"
Alex seemed to be just waking up. "Gordon?"
Gordon clicked the safety back on. "You screamed."
Alex rubbed his eyes. "Just a nightmare. Or, rather, a memory."
Gordon sighed. "Do you...want to talk about it?"
Alex shook his head. Gordon realized that he was still holding the gun. "Not really."
Gordon put the gun away. He didn't need it. "Do you want company?"
Alex seemed conflicted. "No?"
Gordon rolled his eyes. "Yes, you do."
Alex's lips twitched. "I'm suddenly reminded of our time in a cell together."
Gordon plopped himself down and carefully unwound the firearm, setting it on Alex's desk. "Come here, Alex."
Gordon gently wrapped an arm around Alex. "So, was it waterboarding by the CIA?"
Alex was starting to look more like his normal, judgmentally glaring self. "Gordon."
Gordon knew when not to press his former students. "Well, do you want a lullaby, then?"
Alex huffed. "No singing. You're awful unless it's drinking songs eight in."
Gordon grinned and ruffled his hair. "Well, what do you want to do, then?"
Alex sighed. "What we did on the island?"
Gordon nodded. "Just don't tell Jack I gave you scotch at two in the morning."
Alex snorted. "I'm not stupid."
Gordon ruffled his hair and then started up Alex's computer. "Your password sucks."
Alex slumped against his pillow. "Nothing important is on there."
Gordon narrowed his eyes as he searched up their usual anime series. "What episode are you on?"
Alex took a sip of scotch. "The same one as we left off. You think MI6 gives me enough time to watch anime?"
Gordon hit play. "Probably not. Miserable sods."
Alex leaned against him as they sipped scotch together. "You're not bad company, Gordon."
Gordon ruffled the grumpy little shit's hair. Unfortunately, there was no popcorn because making it would wake up the whole house. "You know you like me."
Alex started laughing. "You're awful."
Gordon grinned. "Ah, but you love me anyway."
Alex shoved him without any actual force behind the blow. "Liar."
Gordon lightly patted his head. "There, there, grumbles."
Alex was asleep by the third episode. Gordon carefully disposed of the evidence of their nightly activities. He knew it looked pretty suspicious to be drinking with a teen at one in the morning and he didn't want Jack or Tom getting the wrong idea. He carefully grabbed his gun and silently slunk down the hall. The rest of the house seemed dead asleep. Gordon made a mental note to try to convince Alex to keep up their online chats. Alex had already shown signs of PTSD during his time at Malagasto and Gordon didn't think it was getting much better.
Tom was looking forward to his doctor's visits. It might seem weird, but it meant that Gordon cared about him in his weird way, right? Or, at least, he liked Alex enough to include Tom in his attempts to act like a responsible adult. Alex had commented that Gordon was even cutting back on the drinking...it was still a lot, though. Gordon led them to a fancy-looking building. Tom didn't think it looked much like a doctor's office, but Tom had also never been to private practice. "Ready, you two?"
Alex was dragging his feet. Tom elbowed him. "We're good to go."
They were shown into the office by a friendly dude named Seamus. "Welcome to Proctor & Proctor!"
Okay, so far, so good. Gordon shoved them forward. "These two need a full check-up."
Seamus checked his clipboard. "Tom and Alex, right?"
Gordon grinned. "Yep."
Seamus sighed. "It's going to be a looong day for you two."
Tom grabbed Alex, who was currently eyeing the window. They were three stories up, for fuck's sake. Gordon lightly shoved them onto the nearest couch and took control of the conversation. "We figured."
Seamus ran off to check them in. Tom was called back in record time. "Tom."
Tom followed the attractive nurse with a name he was going to feel bad about butchering. The woman smiled brightly. "First, we're going to go over what all we're going to do today. Then we'll run all of your tests. You'll get your results back in three to five business days."
Tom blinked. "Three to five business days?"
The woman paled. "Is that not fast enough?"
Tom waved her off. "No, no, it's really fast."
The nurse returned to normal color. Tom thought that reaction was a bit extreme but waved it off. Maybe she had a medical condition. The first was a round of written tests. "Uh, these aren't needles?"
The woman sighed. "No. We're asking about your medical history and testing some of your visual skills."
Tom nodded and returned to the test. Some of the questions seemed pretty legit. What does a typical dinner in your former/current household look like? And some of them were downright weird. Have you ever experienced migraines so bad you passed out? Uh, was that even a thing that existed? Tom was glad when the written stuff was over. Next was blood draws and stuff he was more used to. "Er, why do you need so much blood?"
The nurse smiled. "Neither you nor Alex were given vaccines for some of the exotic locations he came across. Ms. Starbright saw to her own, but you and Alex did not."
Tom looked at her. "Exotic vaccines?"
The woman sighed. "He visited Indonesia, for instance. He was not given the recommended anti-malarial drugs, let alone the recommended vaccines."
Tom gulped. "You can give us those, right?"
The nurse smiled. "Of course, Gordon let us know to order them in advance. One of them is thawing in the back room."
Tom let out a sigh of relief. Then they came to head injuries. "We'll have to do head scans, then."
Tom groaned. "We can give you a sedative if you're claustrophobic."
Tom felt his eyes widen. "No, no, I'll be good."
The tests continued through most of the day.
Yermalov was not happy about either set of medical results that Gordon brought him. Alex had the more obvious huge amounts of damage, but Tom had classic signs of neglect. Several injuries had been left untreated. Some nutrient deficiencies. Two entirely unnoticed (by his parents) learning disabilities. Lovely. It looked like there would be three murders planned after all. Gordon was hovering around Yermalov. "So, uh, you can fix this with your nutrition magic, right?"
Yermalov rolled his eyes. "Perhaps. We may be in time to ensure that Harris doesn't suffer too horribly from calcium deficiency. The scarring from his untreated injuries will remain."
Gordon huffed. "Should we set their house on fire?"
Yermalov whacked him. "Only once he has an alibi with witnesses. Who do you think will be blamed otherwise?"
Gordon was hovering over Yermalov's shoulder. He set the papers down. "Feeling paternal?"
Gordon felt his eye twitch. "Don't be rude."
Yermalov looked faintly amused. "Judging from the number of times both parents were out at the pub the whole night, you might even be the father."
Gordon paled slightly and then turned bright red. "I hope not."
Yermalov made sure to shoot Gordon a smug look. Gordon was fun to fight when you made him angry enough. Gordon draped an arm on Yermalov. "Soooo-"
Yermalov shoved Gordon's hand off and made for the antiseptic spray. "Do not touch me."
Gordon huffed. "I showered today! It was less than four hours ago!"
Yermalov ignored Gordon in favor of spritzing himself with the spray. Yermalov sighed. "Your very presence is a contamination."
Gordon lunged for his throat. Yermalov felt a feral smile appear on his face as he dodged the man.
Jet growled once she saw the results in the 'adult meeting' that they were having while the boys were in bed and Jack was conveniently out doing Saturday morning shopping. Gordon was in a chair nursing his usual Saturday hangover. Yermalov was wearing his usual scowl. Jet occasionally wondered if his face wasn't stuck like that. The Countess was sitting primly in an armchair. Jet wondered why Ian had Victorian Era furniture in a house with two destructive children but decided not to question it. "I doubt Tom would appreciate us murdering his parents, unfortunately."
Gordon made a noise that sounded like a kicked squirrel. Jet glared at him. "Can we at least burn the house down?"
The three other adults glared at him. "We'll talk about it."
Gordon knew that was code for 'get back to you never.' Jet smiled sweetly in the face of his murderous glare. "Ug, are we at least going to get Blunt?"
Jet rolled her eyes. "Naturally."
Gordon settled down on the couch. "Good, good. So, what are we going to do before he croaks?"
Jet smirked. "I think this nice list of injuries from Alex's missions would be a great start."
Gordon grinned. "Not a bad start. Especially since the kid refuses to take the rent money."
The teachers exchanged exasperated glances. They knew Alex was a slippery bastard. Yermalov spoke up. "Walker is going to be owing Alex favors for the rest of his life."
Gordon began to grumble. "Useless waste of space."
Jet smacked him. "He's a supervisory officer for intelligence in the US."
Gordon let out a groan. "And, yet, he still finds the time to visit and stalk Alex."
Jet snorted delicately into her napkin. "I'd be worried if Alex hadn't called in my favors yet, too."
Gordon huffed. "Right."
Yermalov made a noise that sounded like an angry cat. Jet knew he was still pissed about the wilderness survival trip. Mostly the fact that Walker had survived said wilderness survival trip. "On to Alan Blunt."
They were getting off-topic. Gordon took a drink of the bright green nutrition shake that Jet had deliberately allowed Yermalov to make Gordon. "I know Alex knows more than he lets on about Blunt. We just need a way to get that information. If Alex doesn't have Blunt's blueprints, I'll eat my combat boots."
Yermalov nodded. "He certainly has a way of getting around restricted areas."
Jet nearly cackled. It wasn't her fault that Alex had dodged sleeping in the student dormitories successfully. Not to mention, he had hinted to Doctor Three that he had accessed the restricted files in the abandoned church. Gordon sighed. "I say we leave the house. Blunt'll have a widow and we know he's from the old school 'my wife thinks I'm a high-ranking banker' land."
Jet shrugged. It made no difference to her. "So, when is Alex's school going to be rebuilt?"
Gordon pulled up the website. "Maybe another month?"
Jet sighed. "Good, he'll have an alibi and witnesses."
Gordon sighed. "The poor kid, stuck in normal-people school."
Gordon was smacked by all three of his colleagues. "Get sentimental on your own time."
After a few months, Gordon had finally gotten in touch with Doctor Three directly. They would probably have to leave Alex's house soon. Three was being surprisingly lax about the whole thing. Then again, he was fairly old, so maybe he was just more patient than most of his current and former colleagues. He sighed.
Staying at a friend's house.
Doctor Three knew for a fact that was a lie. Gordon was a slippery one. D'Arc had been tragically lost in the conflict. Apparently, he hadn't been the only one to suspect Oliver.
You don't have friends, Gordon. At least, not outside of prison.
Gordon huffed. Rude. Doctor Three was generally straight to the point, though. The man was still kind of cutting when he was low on time.
I'll give you a hint. It's my new favorite ex-student.
Doctor Three knew who Gordon was talking about. Alex Rider just kept cropping up. Then again, he hadn't expected anything less.
Very well. Shelter in place. Packages will be sent. Await further instructions.
Gordon snapped the laptop shut. At least he wasn't in a talkative mood. There was a knock on the door to Gordon and Yermalov's room. "So, I got those house plans from Alex that you wanted."
Ah, it was Tom. The best friend. Gordon liked him. Mostly because he was reminded of himself as a child. Also because Alex typically had decent taste in allies, Walker excluded. "Thank you, Tom."
Tom paused. "You're, uh, going to do something about that Blunt guy, right?"
Gordon grinned and then lightly placed a hand on Tom's shoulder. "Definitely. You might have to wait until we leave to see it, though."
Tom's eyes widened. "You're leaving?!"
Gordon patted Tom on the shoulder. "Don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think four adults living with their students is a little weird?"
Tom bit his lower lip. "I suppose."
Gordon knew that Tom was not going to be happy about their leaving. "Look, I'll show you how to stay in contact with me once it gets closer to time."
Tom pouted. "How come none of the good adults stick around?"
Gordon chuckled. "You called me an alcoholic pyromaniac."
Tom continued with his little pout. "But you're still alright. Besides, you seem pretty responsible."
Gordon sighed. "We are teachers, I guess. Normally our students are adults, though."
Tom thought about it for a minute. Gordon could see the gears turning in his head. It would be hilarious if Tom figured out that they were the teachers at 'assassin school.' Sadly, Tom did not ask if he was a teacher at 'the awesome assassin school' and Alex had banned them from bringing it up on their own. "So, when did you first meet Alex?"
Gordon grinned. "A while ago."
Tom crossed his arms. "That's not dodgy at all."
Gordon rolled his eyes. "We're the dodgy types, kid. Now, you should probably get dressed in your uniform."
Tom paused. "Uniform?"
Gordon grinned. "Your school reopens today, remember? I'm only up because I'm taking you."
Tom's face was priceless. "Shit!"
Gordon resisted chuckling until after the door was slammed shut but a now running teenager. This was going to be fun.
Fin
Author's Note: Number 8 in The Boarding School Series (better organized on AO3). Set after "An Unwelcome Cellmate" and before "Enigma".
