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Fair warning, this one gets kind of heavy. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: The characters and settings depicted in this story are the property of the CW. I own nothing.


Contiguity

noun

the state of bordering or being in contact with something.

PSYCHOLOGY

the sequential occurrence or proximity of stimulus and response


Day 193

It took six months for us to really get things running smoothly on the Ring. Sure, there were still problems to fix here and there, but everything we needed to survive was working as it should. For the first time since the 100 landed on Earth I felt like I could relax, and the six of us could just sit and have a conversation like normal people.

It was strange at first, well for me it was, the others had probably had some peaceful moments in Arkadia back when I'd left. But the first time I found myself sat in Bellamy's game room, trying not to laugh as Monty and Murphy accused each other of cheating at some card game when it was clearly Emori who had extra cards up her sleeve, I felt like I'd fallen into somebody else's life.

"Hey," Bellamy nudged my shoulder with his as he dropped onto the sofa next to me. "Stop looking for problems Princess," he smirked.

"Old habit," I laughed softly and swiped the jar of moonshine from his hand. "How are you not waiting for everything to fall apart around us?"

"Oh I am," he shifted and propped his feet on the table, making himself comfortable. "But after everything we've been through, don't you think we deserve to enjoy the peace between disasters?"

I studied him for a moment before I allowed a smile to tug at the corner of my mouth and leaned against his shoulder. "When did you get so smart?"

"Well there's this girl who told me I need to use my head more…" I laughed and leaned further into his side as he lifted his arm to rest around my shoulders. "Just relax Clarke. Soon enough things will go wrong and we'll be forced to fight to survive again. But for right now we get to live, so let's enjoy it while it lasts, ok?"

I took another sip of the moonshine before handing it back to Bellamy. "I think I can handle that."

I closed my eyes and relaxed into Bellamy's side, just taking in the sound of my friends bickering over games and moonshine instead of fighting over the best way to survive. And for the first time in nearly two years, I fell asleep smiling.

A few hours later I awoke to laughter echoing around the small game room, and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so comfortable.

"Well look who finally woke up," Raven called from the opposite sofa. "Get up. Drink. You're way behind and we're playing a game."

"Game?" I murmured as I pulled myself up, stretching the mussels in my back out as I took in the nearly empty bottle of moonshine on the table.

"Emori decided we need to get to know each other better," Bellamy explained from beside me. He was trying to be subtle about rubbing feeling back into the shoulder I had been using as a pillow, but I caught him and smiled apologetically. "So we each take turns asking a question and everyone answers."

"And every time you answer a question you drink," Murphy added. "Just because Raven and Monty want to get through that entire stash of booze we found by the end of the month."

"Oh, because you put up such a fight about it," Monty slurred.

"Murphy's right though," I pointed out and took a sip from Bellamy's jar. "It's a big stash but it won't last four and a half years and we don't have the rations to make anymore. I for one would like to delay the inevitable whining about it running out for as long as possible."

"Is that your excuse for steeling my drink instead of getting your own?" Bellamy asked with amusement as he took his jar back.

"Maybe," I smirked and went to steel the jar once more, but Bellamy held it up out of my reach. I jutted my lip out in a mock pout until he laughed and handed the drink over.

"Well if you two are done flirting," Raven interjected loudly – we'd learned that her volume went up as her inhibitions went down. "Bellamy it's your turn. Clarke has to drink twice every question to catch up."

Bellamy rolled his eyes but conceded. "What is the stupidest thing you've ever done?"

"Oh that's easy," Raven announced. "Becoming drinking buddies with the guy who shot me and left my crippled," she raised her jar in Murphy's direction and took a healthy swallow.

"I've already apologised for that," Murphy argued, "at least twice. So as you continue to throw it in my face, I'm gonna have to say the stupidest thing I've ever done was not making it a kill shot."

"That was actually probably the smartest thing you've ever done," I pointed out. "If you'd killed Raven we'd all be dead many times over."

"Exactly! I'm awesome, so go float yourself Murphy," Raven exclaimed, spilling her drink over herself as Monty launched into the story of how he and Jasper got arrested.

Over the next few rounds I learned that Murphy's allergic to strawberries, Raven fantasised about zero G sex, Emori doesn't remember the first time she broke the law and Monty is really unimaginative when he's drunk. (He asked our favourite colours. Everyone said green accept for Emori who didn't see the point in favourite colours.)

"Ok, my go!" Emori announced excitedly. She, as it turned out, was quite the giggly drunk. "Let's see, what is… Your biggest regret?"

I immediately tensed and felt Bellamy do the same beside me. All the laughter stopped and the light atmosphere was sucked out of the room.

"Emori," Bellamy cleared his throat, "Most of the people in this room have been forced to do some awful things." My gaze was fixed on my fingernails, but I knew the exact expression on his face: clenched jaw, straight lips, trying not to give anything away, but he could never stop the pain from shining in his eyes. "So that's not a fair question to ask."

The silence stretched and the tension grew as we all waited for somebody to change the subject until I couldn't take it anymore. "I think we need another bottle," I murmured and quickly left the room. Once I was out of earshot I found myself running. I paid no attention to where I was going, and when I finally stopped to catch my breath I found myself on a viewing deck, overlooking the scorched Earth.

I felt him approach rather than heard him. We'd spent so long having to tread quietly in forests and enemy territory that it was second nature by that point. He didn't say anything at first, just stood at my shoulder and watched me watch the Earth.

"Clarke," he began, voice slightly rough, like it always was when he was trying to hold back his feelings."

"It's because of the forest," I cut him off. "Why we all like the colour green, I mean. I remember when you opened the drop ship door for the first time, all I saw was so much green, and it was just so beautiful… Do you think that they'll be any green left when we make it home?"

"I don't know. The forest survived the bombs so maybe," I saw him shrug in the reflection in the glass. "Clarke… we've all done things we regret, you and I more than most, but getting hung up on them isn't going to help anyone. Especially while we're stuck up here. You'll just drive yourself insane."

"That's the thing Bellamy, I've done so many things… Deciding which I regret most should be impossible. Mount Weather, letting the bomb drop on TonDC… Finn. Anyone of those could be my biggest regret, but they're not. I've gone over every one of those choices a thousand times and each time I come to the same conclusion: there was no other choice. Or at least no better choice. Even steeling the bunker and refusing to open the door, there was no good choice. I regret hurting you and pointing a gun at you, but I can't bring myself to regret doing any of it when if I hadn't…" I finally turned to face Bellamy as I finished, "all of our friends would be dead." The tears gathering in my eyes finally fell as I prepared for him to see me as the monster Earth had turned me in to.

"Clarke," he started reaching for my hand, "everything you've done, you did to save people, and you should never regret saving our people. Ok?"

"Bellamy, what kind of person doesn't regret doing those things?"

"Not regretting them is not the same as not feeling guilty for them," he raised his voice, clearly impatient with my refusal to accept his reassurance. "And the guilt you feel for every one of those choices is with you every day. I see it. If you feel guilty then you're not a monster Clarke, but we need to forgive ourselves to stop that guilt from consuming us."

"Forgiveness has never been easy for us," I reminded him.

"No, it hasn't, but you and I always forgive each other when we can't forgive ourselves." Bellamy cupped my face in one hand to make sure I was looking at him. "You're forgiven, Clarke. I forgive you." I nodded my acceptance and buried my face in his chest at the same moment that he pulled me into his arms. "I can live with your biggest regret being pointing a gun at me," he joked against the top of my head.

"That's actually not my biggest regret," I admitted. "A close second maybe, but the biggest," I pulled back just far enough to look him in the eyes, because I needed him to see how much I meant what I was about to say. "My biggest regret is leaving you."

"Clarke we've done this. I forgive you for that too."

I pulled back completely. "You forgave me because you didn't want to be angry at me anymore. I'm not complaining or anything, I don't think I could've taken you being mad at me much longer at the point," I admitted, "but I still need to say this.

"After Mount Weather I ran. I hated myself for what I'd done and I wanted to get as far away from all the reminders, including you." As I spoke the shame and guilt came flooding back, but I met his gaze and pushed on. "I told myself it was ok to leave because they had you. I never thought about the fact that I was leaving you too. I took you for granted Bellamy. You told me I didn't have to deal with what we'd done alone and then I forced you to do exactly that. It's the most selfish thing I've ever done. Despite that you still came to save me. Twice. And I didn't even thank you." I took a breath and reached to lace our fingers together. "So thank you, Bellamy, for always coming to save me. And I am so sorry for abandoning you."

I waited for Bellamy to say something, but he just squeezed my hand and pulled me down, to sit with him on the floor. For a while we just leaned against the wall and watched the Earth.

"It was a month before I realised I was mad at you," Bellamy admitted eventually. "We were out looking for you, and we knew it was going to be the last search party until we got some solid information about where you were. I'd been so worried about you, so when we came back with nothing I just lost it. I Stormed out of the Rover and to my room without even handing my gun in and I started throwing things. It was Gina who found me and calmed me down. Honestly I'd barely even noticed her before that, and then I left her behind to go and help you. She died and you chose Lexa over us."

"Bellamy I'm s-"

"I know Clarke. We're good," he squeezed my hand and smiled weakly. "But you said your piece, let me say mine. I promise we'll still be good." I nodded and let him continue. "So yeah, I stopped being worried after that, you were clearly ok and you'd made your choice, so I let the anger take over. Anger at you and Lexa and the grounders… I felt so angry and guilty that everything that Pike said just seemed to make sense. I knew we were going too far, but I let him convince me that it had to be done.

"And then there you were. When Octavia shoved me through that door I was so happy to see you," he chuckled and I blinked in surprise. "That pissed me off to no end because you left me behind. So everything you said after that just fuelled the anger. Maybe if I wasn't so angry I would've listened to you; Lincoln might still be alive…"

"Bellamy you can't think like that."

"I can't help it sometimes." He stared out into space with a faraway look for a few moments, and I knew he was reliving every decision, so I tugged lightly on his arm, to bring him back to the present. "Anyway, when you showed up at the cave with Jasper it was different. Maybe I'd just had the time to get over it, or maybe it was everything that had happened, but when I saw you I wasn't angry anymore. Just relived that I didn't have to do it alone. On the beach, after the fight with O, I lashed out at you, but I wasn't angry anymore. If anything, it just showed me that I needed to let it go, because I couldn't lose both of you."

I shifted my weight to rest against Bellamy's side, practically hugging his arm. "You haven't lost Octavia," I reminded him softly. "She's down there, waiting for you, and she's fine."

"I know," he squeezed my hand. "Thanks."

"You're not going to lose me either."

"And you're not losing me," Bellamy promised, shifting slightly to support my weight more comfortably.

We were quiet after that, just taking comfort from each other's presence, watching the world go by.