A/N: Thank you so much for the love on the last chapter! I was made aware of some grammar changes that need to be made to the German commands I used. I appreciate the feedback about that!
I hope you enjoy this next chapter!
"I don't know if you've heard but apparently I don't spend enough time with you." Hailey says as she brings her gaze down to Bruno, who is probably too busy to pay her any attention because his dinner is far more important and interesting to him than she is. She opens her mouth to continue speaking but a sigh comes out instead.
She's standing and leaning on the kennel door, still creating distance between them. Her arms cross over her chest. "I'm going out tonight. Haven't been out in a long time." She pauses when she realizes she might almost be confessing something too deep to the dog. Hailey looks over her shoulder to see that the surrounding officers and handlers had already left after feeding their K9s."The only reason I'm telling you this is because I might come in to see you tomorrow. We've got to get these commands down so we can get out of basic."
Bruno's tags make a clattering sound as they hit the side of his metallic food dish. He sits down with his tongue hanging out of his open mouth, panting heavily. He barks at her, his rear slightly lifting off the ground, his front legs anxiousness moving in front of him.
"You're finished I take it? All right," Hailey leans off of the kennel so she can open the gate and retrieve the bowl.
When the gate opens Bruno stands up and bounds the short distance towards her.
"Ah," she raises her hand with her index finger raised to correct him, "Nein!"
Bruno lets out a couple of barks. Then he backs away and sits, waiting for Hailey to bring her hand back down to her side.
"Guess I can tell Becker that you know your hand signals after all." Hailey lets her hand down and she finds herself extending her arm to scratch Bruno behind his ear as she praises him with a 'Braver Hund'. She pulls her hand back quickly once she realizes that what she's doing surprises her. Her fingers curl into a fist like she's trying to hide them.
"I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. Get some rest," is her cover-up while she reaches past him to grab his bowl, the rim tight in her grip as she exits and locks the door again.
Her stride is brisk as she goes to the small kitchen area to wash the food dish. She places it on the counter and then smooths her hands along her hair, which is up in a ponytail so as her fingers dig into her scalp she creates uneven bumps in her seemingly perfect up-do.
Get yourself together, she tells herself. It's not a big deal but she's making it a big deal. Giving a dog affection isn't going to make the world implode - the version of her world that she's been holding onto definitely has.
She's a wreck and she needs to find a way to get herself together - not just for herself but for her partner as well. Hailey hasn't thought of Bruno as her partner much. His physical existence in her life as a replacement overrides everything.
After Hailey's done washing out and drying the dish, she stacks it with the rest of the clean ones.
Just as she's about to walk out another officer walks into the kitchen. He greets her with a smile before walking around her to get to the sink. Then he glances to Hailey over his shoulder. "You're the one with the black sable shepherd? He's gorgeous."
"Yeah, he's mine." She speaks cautiously.
"I've got Henrietta. We're three kennels down from you." He says to her.
Hailey nods at the small talk. She honestly doesn't remember seeing this officer or his K9. Once Xena was officially home with her Hailey rarely visited the kennels, only coming down if it was necessary.
"Is she a shepherd too?" She finds herself asking him.
"Yeah. We've been together for two years in narcotics. She's almost four now. I can't have her at home with me because my girlfriend is nervous about having her around the kids." He lets out a light chuckle at that. "She's a good girl and I'm pretty sure she'd love to be around them."
After graduation, the officers have a choice if they want to take their K9 partners home to live with them or if they would rather have them stay at the kennels. Hailey always knew she would be taking Xena with her and her mind came to the conclusion to do the same with Bruno without consulting her heart first.
"What about you two?"
"Oh, Bruno's two years old. He's fairly new to the program. I'm hoping to graduate Basic next week so we can get onto the narcotics training. " She leaves out telling him that he's actually her second K9. She'd like to go at least one evening without feeling sorrow. Plus, she's sure everyone else has moved on from Xena's death.
"Graduating from Basic shouldn't be any issue." The male officer turns off the water, turns around, and leans against the sink so he can talk to her face-to-face. "I'm Officer Raul Gonzales, by the way. If you need any tips about the narcotics course or anything, I'm happy to help you out." He offers.
"Officer Hailey Upton and I appreciate it." Hailey tells him.
As much as she wishes she could go back to her star-student days, the drop in her confidence has stunted her. Hailey knows that there are higher ups who know she is better than how she's recently been. She isn't quite sure what Captain McKenzie knows about her - or if he even knows about her at all. Hailey could easily be just another one of his students in a training course that he's teaching.
"Did you happen to have Captain McKenzie when you were going through the detection training?"
Raul crosses his arms over his chest, nodding his head. "Yeah. No pun intended but, he's the top dog when it comes to his work. And his K9," he lets out a whistle, "he's like a rocket," he frees one arm and extends it like it could fly. "I've never seen a pair so in tune with each other. You'll see for yourself soon."
That's what people use to say about her. Hailey remembers the pride she felt hearing those words and the pride she felt towards her partner, the one who she believed carried them both.
"Thanks."
"No problem. I don't mean to be rude but if I don't get back to my partner with her end of shift Milk-Bone, she'll have my head." He jokes, but is well aware of the power of a bite from any of the K9s. "Good luck out there, Officer." He sends her an affirmative nod while taking a Milk-Bone out of one of the numerous treat jars that line the countertop.
"You too." Hailey gives him a small wave in return.
Hailey contemplates about grabbing one of the treats to give to Bruno. Her eyes trail from the Milk-Bones and Pup-Peroni and over to the clock. She's already spent more time than she thought she would to feed Bruno. She didn't mind the quick chat with Officer Gonzales either. Hailey doesn't know if Kim is still waiting to meet up with her or if she's already at Molly's, so she leaves the kitchen to head back to the main station's building.
As she turns to go into the locker room she sees that Kim is still there and switching out her vest for a light jacket.
"I almost thought you weren't going to show up." Kim greets her as she closes up her locker. Her hair is now free from its ponytail.
Hailey's more than ready to call it a night but it won't be officially over until she's back at her apartment in her sweats.
"Sorry, I got held back at the K9 building." Hailey told her as she took off her radio and placed it on the top shelf of her locker.
"No need to apologize. I'm just glad you're coming."
"Are we waiting for Roman or did he get too annoyed and leave already?"
"Nope." Kim shakes her head. The smile on her face reads like she's relieved that her partner will not be joining them. "It's just us. Adam said they were able to close the case earlier than they expected to so they're already there."
That may be true but Hailey also assumes that Kim is happy that Adam's going to be in the same place as her instead of at home with his fiancée. As much as she usually bites her tongue from bringing him up, Kim did tell her that she wanted to keep away from Adam tonight.
Before the words even come out, Kim sighs, "I know it's wrong to have feelings for someone who's engaged. I'm trying to get over it and trying to be his friend but, sometimes the way he looks at me or does something extremely nice I can't help but think he feels the same way I do." Kim brushes her hands through her long brunette hair. "Do you think he does?"
"I haven't been around you guys too much to really tell. Does he know how you feel? Because if he does and he's leading you on, then he's also in the wrong." Hailey lifts up he hair and swipes it to one side as she shrugs her own jacket on. Her hands go into the pockets before starting to walk out with Kim.
"I don't know. I can't always get the best read on him, especially when I have Roman practically barking at me to hurry up all the time."
"If you want a barking partner, then I suggest you sign up for the K9 program," Hailey jokes with her.
Kim responds with a quick laugh and nudges her with her hip as if they are really close friends.
Hailey's surprised with herself that she's actually having a girl-talk with Kim. Hailey's always stayed out of these sorts of things and usually let Kim do all of the talking while Hailey responds with indifferent nods and vocal cues.
The two women momentarily split to get into their own vehicles and make the trip to Molly's.
The bar is quite crowded than Hailey's expecting as they weave their way through the front. Hailey recognizes a few men from the Fire crew as she follows Kim towards where Intelligence usually meet up after some of their shifts.
It's Adam who catches sight of them and calls out Kim's last name a couple of times. His hand is raised in the air and he's waving them over to join them. Hailey catches the way Adam Ruzek's face instantly lights up when he first sees Kim. His eyes follow her every move and his grins seems to brighten when she smiles at him. For a man who's already decided to commit himself to one woman, he sure as Hell looks like he's a free man.
Beside her now, Kim's smiling too. Hailey doesn't have the best experiences or examples of love but she thinks the way they look at each other could be just that. There's no way she'll be able to keep Kim and Adam separate that's for sure.
When they get closer to the group, Hailey looks around to see that they are the only two from patrol who are with them. It's only Adam, Jay, and Kevin.
"Hey, Burgess," Kevin Atwater greets her with a quick hug.
"Hi, Kev." Kim replies.
Kim doesn't hug Adam but they still share one of those secret looks that they think nobody else notices.
Kevin extends out his hand. "I don't think we've been introduced. I'm Kevin Atwater, Intelligence."
They've met once when they worked together but Hailey can't fault any of them for it. It was a year ago for one case and she's sure the little things can often get lost in all of the heavy cases they've worked on.
She takes Kevin's offered hand and shakes it, introducing herself, "Hailey Upton. K9 Search and Rescue, soon to be training in Narcotics."
"Right the one with the dogs." Adam snaps his fingers as if he's come to some incredulous realization. Then he points towards her. "Hailey Upton. Are you the one whose dog was killed a few months ago? Yeah, with the missing girl from Mundelein."
The one who's dog was killed. Hailey feels her blood run cold as a rush of emotions crash down onto her. A heavy ache creeps along her jaw and up her throat. She clenches her teeth to make sure nothing else is able to surface. She's suddenly made very aware that anyone can make the connection between her name and the dog that was killed.
"Seriously, Ruz?" Kevin hits him in the chest to get him to stop talking. Then he turns back to Hailey. "Sorry about him, Upton. His brain can't filter out his stupidity."
"What did I say that was so - oh," Adam's tone changes instantly, "I didn't mean to make it sound like that. I meant -"
"It's - it's fine," Hailey's voice trails off as she tries to bury her emotions. She's not going to cry this time. She's not going to cry in front of Intelligence. "Excuse me, I'm going to get a beer from the bar."
"Way to go," Hailey hears Kevin mutter to Adam as she practically hurries away from the group.
She takes the first available stool and gets the attention of the bartender, ordering herself a bottled Blue Moon.
It's Jay who takes the bar stool next to her. She didn't expect him to follow her because she didn't think Jay notices her leave - or notices her at all really. He's been quiet the entire night so far.
"You okay?" He asks her.
"I will be. I'm sorry. Hearing him say that she was, you know, set me off." She can't even repeat it.
Then she lets out a pathetic and bitter breath. "You know there's people probably sat here dealing with much worse loss than me. Here I am still sad about - ". Hailey lets out a huff because she's still a broken record that won't stop spinning. She twirls the bottle on the bar. "I miss her, Jay. She was my partner. She was my everyday. In a few of years I could've retired her and she could've lived out the rest of her life as my best friend."
Jay nods, his eyes only focused on her as she speaks. It's in that moment that she really notices just how green his eyes are. Hailey's caught glimpses of them in passing but being able to hold their attention now gives her time to really see them. She can only describe them as if they were sea glass created by nature's vast oceans and then washed up on the shore waiting to be discovered by someone who can call them a true wonderment of the world. They are transparent yet Hailey feels like there is so much more to his eyes than what she can physically see. There are stories to be told. Secrets to be shared. She finds herself wanting to know everything about those eyes.
Hailey's breath catches in her throat. She has to break out of thoughts of how to poetic ways of describing his eyes. She's not the type of person to compare someone's eye color to anything perplexed and artistic.
She takes a long drink of the Blue Moon to try and drown the sea glass eyes back into the ocean from where they escaped from.
It's Jay who speaks next and Hailey is thankful because she's lost where they even were because she's having too many internal crises tonight.
"I'm sure you'll find those same feelings with Bruno. Not the sadness but that feeling of a growing friendship. I'm not a genius when it comes to dogs but I think they all want the same thing. They want a person they'll love unconditionally and someone who loves them just as fiercely. Even though they want the same thing, they aren't supposed to be same."
She can't help the breathy chuckle that escapes her lips next. Jay Halstead may not be a dog expert, but the way he talks sure gives Hailey a small bit of comfort that she will never find at the bottom of a bottle. Just like with Kim, Hailey has trouble talking to just about anyone about her feelings. The only one who Hailey's ever fully opened up to was that beautiful soul of a German Shepherd she's now lost forever. She doesn't know Jay all too well yet, whenever he's asked her how's she's been feeling, something deep inside of her just gives him a small piece of what's hurting her.
Before she thinks too much into why he's able to do this to her, almost blaming those damn eyes again, Hailey mentally shakes it off.
"Yeah, perhaps you're right. But I - I can't even connect with him, Jay. Sgt. Becker pulled me aside after our class today because she can tell that I'm not the same handler I was. I used to be so great and maybe Xena's actually the reason why I was."
Jay shakes his head. "You're a great handler, Hailey. It's normal not to be perfect every single day. You'll get through this. I know you will. It just takes time. "
"Thanks but I don't have much time. We graduate soon and then he comes home with me." She pauses as the bottle touches her bottom lip, debating on how much more vulnerability is going to spill out of her tonight. It's all been pushed down with so much force that it's also springing out of her with that same amount.
"You know, I was finally able to pack up all of Xena's things and now I have to unpack everything." Her laugh turns bitter again as bitter as an aftertaste that won't leave her. "I'm not sure if he'll even like any of the toys I have. He has this ratty old thing that resembles a chipmunk. It's his favorite and, honestly, I want to throw it in the garbage." She takes another sip.
Jay lets out a laugh. When Jay laughs he gets these small crinkles around his eyes. It's funny how someone with such a serious face can look so pure when they laugh.
"If I could, I'd pick it up with crime scene gloves."
"He sounds murderous."
She smiles. "I'll let him know you said that."
"Then I'll tell him that you want to throw his favorite toy away. You'll be the monster."
"I could be the monster. I'm failing him and I told myself that I would never fail anyone else ever again after what happened to her."
She almost had it. She almost was able to flip the switch of sorrow and blame off and she wouldn't be sitting in the dark anymore. In true Hailey Upton fashion, she had to ruin it for herself.
She shakes her head, closing her eyes because she's the final blow that frees her tears. "I'm sorry, Jay. I should just go."
He doesn't convince her otherwise but he doesn't just let her walk away either. "I'll walk you out." Jay stands up from his seat and taps on the bar and points to Hailey's beer, "Put it on Adam Ruzek's tab."
She wipes at her tears, feeling like an idiot. "You don't have to do that."
"I know I don't have to. I want to."
Is he saying that about walking her out or having someone else pay for her beer? She can't help the flicker of wanting him to want to walk her to her car.
Hailey closes her eyes for a moment as fresh tears gloss over and fall with a simple blink.
Jay lets Hailey walk past him, leading him through the sea of people until they pass by their group. Kim and Adam are having drinks by a tall table, sharing laughs while they make faces at the strength
"Oh, hey! Are you leaving already?" Kim asks.
Hailey hopes Kim and Adam don't catch that she was crying. "Yeah, I've got to get back to the station early to work with Bruno." Hailey makes her tone sound like she's making not a lame excuse to ditch them and go back to her apartment and really let out a good cry.
Her eyes flash over to Jay, part of her wishing they could spend more time talking. There's just something she can't put her finger on but talking to him felt different than when she talked to anybody else.
Kim set her empty glass on the table. "Do you want me to walk out with you?"
"I've got her, Burgess." Jay tells her.
Kim nods and then wraps Hailey in a hug. "Thanks for coming out. I'll try and catch you tomorrow."
Hailey delicately hugs her back, her gaze wandering over to Adam. "Be careful, Kim," she tells her.
When the two pull away from the hug, Kim gives her a look because she doesn't quite understand what Hailey is saying. Then she looks back to Adam who is having another drink. Then she sighs. She gets it now.
"I will. You drive carefully too. You're eyes are a little pink."
"I'll be fine. It's just been a really long day." She licks at her lips and squeezes past them. "I'll see you guys around."
The nighttime air of Chicago's spring cools her skin. It's chillier where her tears left their trails. She shoves her hands into her pockets, her car keys wrapped in her first.
She feels the brush of Jay's arm as he comes around to walk beside her. Hailey can't think of anything else to say to him and she's thankful the walk to her car is short.
"Hailey," Jay reaches out and places a hand on her shoulder. His thumb lightly traces circles near her collarbone. She fights her instincts to let her eyes lock onto where his touch started to tickle at her skin from under her uniform and jacket, the ghostly feeling lingering when he pulls his hand away. The sensation only lasts for a handful of seconds but in all those seconds it feels so chilling - so alive. She can't comprehend why this comforting gesture should even have her wishing that he kept his hand on her shoulder a little while longer.
"You're not failing him. You need to stop thinking that you are and put your focus on what you're about to accomplish with him."
Hailey nods, "thanks, Jay." She offers him a small smile. "Thanks for listening to me go on and on tonight. I didn't plan on unloading all of that on you but," she chuckles nervously.
"Hailey, if you ever want to talk about what happened, I'm here."
She's definitely not even close to being able to describe that night in any details. Just thinking about having to talk about it makes her stomach feel like it's twisting inside of her.
"You didn't fail her either." Jay says before she's able to leave him. "Don't let what Ruzek said get to you, or when anyone mentions her. You're allowed to remember her. She was your partner, Hailey, and you could never fail her."
"Yeah," her voice comes out in a whisper, holding onto all of the kind words he had said to her.
She gets in her car and expects Jay to turn back around and go back inside to enjoy a happier version of his night with his unit and Kim. He's still there when she starts driving away. Her eyes glance up to look into the mirror to see Jay still standing outside, his tall from becoming smaller and smaller. She loses sight of him when she has to make a turn. A sinking feeling spreads across her chest when she realizes she's truly back to being alone.
When she arrives home, Hailey drops her keys by the front door. Her eyes go to the hooks that she looks to every morning and night. She'll deal with it all tomorrow - something that she tells herself every time she leaves and returns home to her hauntingly empty apartment.
Though tonight is a little different. After she changes and climbs into her bed her mind isn't a whirlwind of memories of Xena. Those are replaced with sea glass eyes that she unknowingly let cut through her until she bled. And she likes this way the bleeding feels.
