not necessarily a request, but based off a convo i had with jaylene ( gaysanvtomy_) on twitter about a less lazy way to deal with callie and arizona in the s9 finale
title from the cranberries' song of the same name
linger
Callie jogged up the stairs two at a time, nearly fumbling her phone as she rounded a flight. "C'mon, Arizona," Callie hissed, redialing her wife for what felt like the hundredth time.
"Hello, you've reached Dr Arizona Robbins, chief of pediatric surgery at Grey-Sloan Memorial. I'm unable to take your-"
"Damn it."
Something was wrong. She could feel it.
Well, obviously a lot was wrong with basically everything. But there was something wrong.
She had already checked on Sofia, her first instinct being to protect her child. But Sofia was safe and fine and blessedly unaware of the chaos unfolding around them. That meant Arizona.
Then again, these days, when wasn't she worried about Arizona?
Callie finally reached peds, bursting through the door, nearly crashing into a nurse. She made her apologies hurriedly, already moving away.
It was all Callie could do to keep her head above water. She was barely holding everything together and with each day, it seemed like Arizona was retreating further in on herself.
Things had finally started to look up. There had been just a glimmer of sunshine. And then there was no heartbeat and Callie didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to help Arizona, how to pull her out of her downward spiral. Arizona was supposed to be the happy, perky one between the two of them. She was the one who walked into a dirty bar bathroom to make Callie smile. But Callie didn't know how to make Arizona smile again.
It felt like it had been a lifetime since she had seen Arizona smile, like really smile, her super magic smile.
The only time she even saw Arizona smile in the past two weeks was with Sofia.
Ever since their fight, it was like Arizona had slipped back into that shell of herself.
Callie couldn't comprehend how Arizona couldn't want to try again. This was their family. They had both wanted their baby so much and now, what? Arizona just didn't want to try anymore?
They just existed around each other, orbiting but never interacting, never touching, barely speaking.
But despite that, maybe in spite of that, she still loved Arizona so deeply.
Which was why she was running around like a madwoman, looking for her wife, who was barely speaking to her, in the middle of a superstorm.
"Where is she? Where's Karev?" Callie hissed, glancing around for either of them. But there were just freaked-out parents and even more freaked-out residents. And no Alex or Arizona. That could not be a good sign.
Arizona and her 'good man in a storm' crap wouldn't leave her department in the middle of a storm, even in her worst emotional state. God knew, Arizona Robbins could be a good man in a storm for everyone except her wife apparently. She had to be here somewhere. She certainly wouldn't leave peds to the residents, so if Arizona wasn't on the floor, then Alex would be.
"Wilson," she barked, catching the girl by her elbow. "Have you seen Arizona?"
"Uh, no, not recently. Sorry, Dr Torres."
"What about Karev? Who's in charge?"
"I, uh, actually, no, I haven't seen Karev recently either. Sorry, I just... very sick, at risk children." Jo gave her a tight lipped smile before heading back towards the NICU.
Callie chewed on the inside of her cheek. That pit in her stomach had only intensified if that was possible. She almost wanted to throw up, but that wouldn't help anyone.
Okay, okay, where could Arizona be? She wasn't operating. She wasn't with Sofia. Office? She could be in her office. Not that she ever really used it, but it was worth a shot.
Callie sidestepped a resident, almost breaking into a run down the corridor towards Arizona's office. She threw the door open, but it was dark and empty. The only sign that Arizona had been in there at all recently was a half eaten bag of chips. But to be entirely honest, that could be from months ago. Or from Alex.
Callie never understood Arizona's reluctance to use her office. She had thought it was strange years ago when they first started dating and she found Arizona working on paperwork in the strangest places. Arizona had insisted that the office was haunted and she wasn't messing around with it. Callie, half-jokingly, offered to do an exorcism and Arizona had shot her down quickly, insisting that she didn't want Callie to get possessed or something. At this point, she was fairly certain that Alex used it more than Arizona and even then, they basically just stored paperwork and extra toys in there.
Point being, Arizona was not in her office.
Okay, she knew Arizona better than anybody in the world. Once upon a time, at least, she did. Maybe these days not so much.
It was like Arizona was slipping away, further and further, and Callie wasn't sure if she'd ever get her Arizona back and that terrified her.
Because she was still so in love with Arizona. She loved her just as much as she had on Arizona's birthday all those years ago or as she had on their wedding day or even when she and Arizona were yelling at each other over the future of their family. She loved Arizona so, so much, but she was losing her, she could feel it. If Arizona retreated back into that dark place of a few months ago, Callie wasn't sure she'd be able to pull her out of it again.
"C'mon, think, Callie. If you were Arizona, where would you be?" Callie muttered to herself. She pulled her phone out, praying that Arizona had checked her phone or her pager. Still, nothing. She didn't even have bars on her phone anymore.
Arizona would normally be in the middle of everything. Keeping things calm and running smoothly. She thrived in a crisis.
Normally, though, that was the key word.
That's what Arizona from a year ago would do. Arizona today? Who knew?
Evidently not Callie.
Callie ground her back teeth. She should be able to find her. She was her wife. Callie squeezed her eyes shut.
Maybe just think like Arizona. She could do that, right?
Callie tried to suppress the rising panic in her chest with a slow breath, but it did very little to help.
Okay, Arizona's priorities in order: Sofia, the NICU, peds, Callie, herself.
Callie had just checked on Sofia and Arizona hadn't been by and she would've had to pass Callie to get there, so she wasn't with Sofia.
Based on the state of peds, Arizona was MIA and presumably, Alex was with her.
Which eliminated Callie from where Arizona might be. If she was looking for Callie, she would've put Karev in charge of peds. Plus, honestly, at this point, she somehow doubted Arizona would be looking for her; she wasn't even sure if Arizona cared anymore. Well, that was unfair. Arizona cared. She had to. She did.
Which left… "Her leg," Callie whispered in the quiet of the office. Arizona still wasn't up for long periods of standing over the course of the day. And she had probably been on her feet for the entire day. And she wasn't taking a break in her office, so she had to be in an on-call room.
There weren't that many on-call rooms in peds that Arizona used. She preferred the out of the way ones, leaving the closer ones for exhausted parents.
Callie slammed the office door behind her, taking off at a jog towards Arizona's favourite on-call room. If she needed to take a break, that would be where she'd be.
If she wasn't, well, Callie dreaded to even think of the possibility. If Arizona wasn't in there, then something was seriously wrong. Like Arizona had fallen down the stairs and was lying in pain somewhere bad. Like Callie couldn't even imagine or comprehend a situation bad.
She let out a short exhale as she slowed in front of the on call room door. She'd go in and find Arizona icing her leg or something and then that pressure in Callie's chest would be relieved and they could get peds sorted and everything would be fine. Everything would be fine. It had to be fine.
Taking one more breath to slow her speeding heart, Callie pushed open the door and her heart stopped.
How…
What…
All she could really make out in the dark room was a hint of Arizona's side profile as her wife, her wife clutching, oh my God, what was…
"Arizona!" Callie yelped, her voice breaking as her heart shattered. How… how could Arizona do this to her? Did she hate her that much? Was this revenge over her leg? Had she done this before?
"Dr Torres, oh thank God," the woman exclaimed after pulling away from Arizona, what was her name? Arizona had told her. Wasn't that fucked up, to tell your wife about how brilliant the woman you were screwing on the side was?
Callie couldn't even look at her wife, choosing instead to direct all of her energy towards the women she apparently had been screwing.
Arizona was supposed to be different. Arizona was supposed to be it for her. She had been it for Callie. She had been everything to Callie and she just threw it all away.
Oh thank God?
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
Callie advanced on the woman, Lauren, that was her name, and suddenly she was thrust back in time, apparently about to fight Izzie Stevens in the cafeteria. How was this her life?
"Torres, wait, wait-"
"Give me one good reason-"
"-she's having some sort of episode! She was just showing me somewhere to get some sleep and she started freaking out after there was some thunder. Something about the plane crash. I swear, I didn't do anything," Lauren rambled, holding her hands up defensively. "I didn't want to leave her alone in this state and I didn't know where to find you-"
"Why didn't you page me? Call me?"
"There's no service! The storm must have messed up the cell towers and I don't have your pager number. She was, is having a panic attack. I was just trying to help! Torres, I swear, it's not what it looks like-"
"Callie!"
Callie spun on her heel, finding Alex in the doorway, looking far more panicked than she could ever remember seeing him.
"Karev went to find you," Lauren interjected. "He thought he'd have a better chance of finding you than I would."
Alex sagged against the doorway, his breath coming in short pants, an ice pack in one hand. "Someone said you came up here. Ran as fast as I could. Grabbed, grabbed 'er an ice pack. Fuck," he sighed, tossing the ice pack towards Callie, "You gotta do something, Callie. She's, she's not good."
"Oh my God," breathed out Callie, finally letting herself look at Arizona, half-crumbled on the cot in the corner, her eyes vacant as her mouth moved silently. "Arizona." She fell to her knees in front of her wife, but it was like Arizona couldn't even see her. She brushed some of Arizona's hair back from her face, cupping her cheek gently, and still, Arizona stared blankly forward.
Alex stepped closer to Callie, a haunted look in his eyes. "I think, I think the storm set her off somehow. She's seemed off the past few weeks, but I didn't think she was about to have a breakdown. Fuck, we operated earlier today. Torres, I swear she was fine earlier. I mean not, fine like normal Robbins fine, but she wasn't like this."
"Karev, it wasn't… I've got her. You need to go handle peds. It's a mess out there."
"Are you sure? I can… I know how to handle…" Alex's gaze dropped to Arizona. Somehow, Alex looked decades younger, like a scared little boy. "I can help. I swear."
"No, Karev, I got this. Go handle the department. You've got scared patients out there and even more scared parents. Arizona would want you out there, not in here. Go. I got this." Alex hesitated, still watching Arizona carefully. "Alex, go."
Finally, Alex nodded. "Okay, yeah, okay. You're, you're right. Page me if you need anything."
"You, go with Karev. He'll need the help," Callie snapped at Lauren, still thrown by her presence.
"Happy to help." Lauren moved to leave the on-call room, but paused in the doorway, calling softly back to Callie. "She keeps apologizing to you. You're Calliope, right?" Before Callie could even really process her words, she was gone, shutting the door behind her.
Callie twisted back to Arizona, who had somehow curled further into the corner, her eyes darting around as if something might leap at her at any moment. Callie had never seen her wife look so scared, even after her worst nightmares.
"Arizona?" Callie moved slightly closer. She froze as Arizona flinched back from her. "Arizona, Arizona, can you hear me?"
Arizona's eyes darted around, but there was no recognition behind them.
Callie fell back on the floor, trying to give Arizona space, but reluctant to be too far away from her.
"'m sorry. I tried. 'm sorry," Arizona's voice finally returned and it was nothing short of haunting. She sounded small and broken and truly terrified. "'m sorry. Forgive me, Calliope."
Normally, her name was one of her favourite things to hear from Arizona. The way she pronounced each syllable as if it perpetually delighted her, as if it was her favourite word in the world. After a lifetime of hating her name, Arizona had made her fall in love with it.
But as Arizona begged for her forgiveness, her name had never sounded eerier.
Callie blinked back tears. What had happened to make Arizona like this? She had been doing better. Callie couldn't even remember the last time Arizona woke up from a nightmare recently. She was better. Things were almost back to normal. Not everything was about the leg. It was better.
But as she sat on the floor of an on-call room, listening to her wife beg for forgiveness, it became devastatingly clear that Arizona was not okay.
The ice pack Alex had given her burned against her hands.
Right, Arizona's leg.
She shuffled closer, holding her hands up in supplication, trying not to scare Arizona. But she wasn't even sure if Arizona could see her.
Callie rested a hand on Arizona's good leg, hoping that physical contact might jar her out of this state. Arizona whimpered, pressing one hand against her other leg, wincing and whining as she pressed down in the approximate area of where the break had been.
"Okay, um, right, let's get your leg off," Callie mumbled.
Callie, mindful not to jar Arizona too much, lifted Arizona's hips to pull her scrub pants down. She gasped at the amount of swelling surrounding Arizona's prosthetic.
"It hurts," Arizona whimpered. "Stop moving, Mark."
Callie's hands stilled over the plastic at Arizona's words. Mark? What was she talking about?
Silent tears spilled over Arizona's cheeks.
Okay, she needed to get the leg off before it could hurt Arizona more.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Callie repeated endlessly as she worked as fast as she could. Arizona's whimpers of pain and begs for it to stop ate away at Callie, but she knew that removing the prosthetic would go along way in easing Arizona's physical pain at the very least.
"Almost there. You're doing great, Arizona."
Arizona had started babbling in broken fragments, something about trees as far as Callie could tell. Trees and wolves and maybe something about coyotes.
She had once teased Arizona about how she pronounced coyote, shortening it to two syllables instead of three, apparently a habit picked up from her mother's parents. Now, something that had once seemed cute and harmless, seemed horrifying. What could Arizona have seen, have experienced in those woods?
Arizona never spoke about the woods, never spoke about the crash. Callie hadn't pushed it because what good could come from dragging up those memories.
"Okay, it's off."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried." Arizona shivered violently, her whole body shaking.
Callie sucked a breath through her teeth, trying to hold it together and not burst into tears. "What, what are you sorry for, Arizona?"
Arizona blinked and she seemed to focus on Callie for the briefest of moments, her eyes narrowing like she was trying to place Callie's face. But as soon as the moment came, it vanished and the emptiness returned. "I… Mark keeps dying. I don't… I don't think he's going to… I swear I didn't mean it…"
Callie slowly placed the ice pack on Arizona's leg, wincing as Arizona whimpered. "Didn't mean what?"
"It hurts," whined Arizona, "Everything hurts."
"I know. It's going to be okay," Callie said for lack of anything else to say.
Arizona's eyes drifted shut and she tipped her head back against the wall. "I didn't mean it. I don't want Mark to die. I didn't mean it. He can't die. I didn't mean it. Please, he can't die." Arizona's ramblings slowly faded into silence, her mouth still moving as she apparently pleaded for Mark to live.
Callie slowly pulled herself up onto one end of the cot, now less than an arm's length away from Arizona.
"Forgive me, Calliope," the way Arizona said it reminded Callie of how her grandmother said her Hail Mary's. "Please."
"I forgive you, Arizona. I forgive you."
But it was clear Arizona couldn't see or hear her.
"My fault. 's my fault." Arizona rocked back and forth as another shiver overtook her. "Deserves better. 'm, 'm broken. No good."
No, no, Arizona wasn't broken. She wasn't.
Callie slid a few inches closer, waiting for Arizona to react. When she didn't, Callie took the opportunity to move closer until she was able to lean against the wall next to Arizona, letting Arizona lean into her. Arizona's whole body shook as she struggled to regulate her breathing.
"You're okay. You're safe, Arizona. You're safe. I'm here."
"Don't wanna… don't wanna die. 'm not ready. Please, please."
Callie swallowed back a sob. She had to hold it together for Arizona.
A horrified gasp fell from Arizona's lips. "I can see Timothy Robbins again."
Callie's brow furrowed. Not that Arizona spoke of her brother frequently, but whenever she did it was Tim or Timothy or even the occasional Timmy, when she spoke of her little brother. But not Timothy Robbins.
"You can see Tim?" Callie prompted gently, continuing to run her hand down the length of Arizona's spine in hopes of soothing her. But still her breath came in broken gasps.
"No," she rasped, "Not Tim. Not my Tim. My…my grandfather. S'how I knew I was dying."
Callie stared at her wife, barely able to comprehend what she was saying.
"I can see him again. I don't want to die."
"You see your grandfather?"
Arizona's head bobbed up and down. "Knew it couldn't be good. Tim would've been there if it was gonna be okay."
"Arizona, you've gotta fight this. I need you. Sofia needs you. You don't get to do this," Callie begged, her voice breaking. She didn't know what to do. "Arizona, please."
"'m sorry, Calliope, please forgive me."
"You're forgiven! I forgive you, Arizona! There's nothing to forgive. You're alive. I love you. I'm not going anywhere." Desperate for something, anything to break Arizona free, Callie clutched at Arizona's face, drawing her into a messy kiss, both their cheeks damp with tears. As they pulled apart, each breathing heavily. "Please, Arizona."
"Calliope?"
Callie straightened up, searching Arizona's face for a sign that she was there. "Arizona?"
Arizona inhaled slowly, pressing a hand to her heart. "I don't… I think I'm gonna be sick." Callie barely managed to scramble for the bin and back to the bed in time. She gathered as much of Arizona's hair in one hand while the other drew small circles along Arizona's spine.
"You're okay, you're okay, you're okay," Callie repeated as if it would become true if she said it enough times. "You're okay."
A sort of broken sob worked its way free from Arizona's chest as she leaned back.
"I'll be right back." Arizona just nodded at her, watching with bleary eyes as Callie shoved the bin out into the corridor. "Can I… can I touch you?" Callie hesitated in front of the cot, terrified to send Arizona into another episode.
"Please," Arizona said, her voice barely above a whisper. Callie moved as quickly as possible, joining her wife on the small bed and pulling her into her side. Arizona curled into her, clutching at Callie's scrub top as she burst into tears.
Callie held tight to Arizona, silent tears spilling down her cheeks.
Arizona was supposed to be better. They were through the hard stuff. She was better.
Or was that just an act? Had Arizona been hiding things from Callie because she was trying to be a good man in a storm or whatever? Because she didn't want to let Callie down?
Callie looked down at her wife, the faint light illuminating her features, a bit of light glinting off her wedding ring on her scrub top. Even in tears, Arizona was beautiful, but Callie could see traces of pain that she hadn't noticed before.
"I've got you. You're safe. I've got you," Callie murmured, running her hand up and down Arizona's back. As Arizona's sobs subsided slightly, Callie started humming one of Sofia's lullabies. Arizona's breathing slowly evened out, some of the tension draining from her face.
"And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?"
xx
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Callie shot awake, wincing at the painful crick in her neck from sleeping half-hunched over on Arizona's bed. She straightened up slowly, her spine cracking.
"Calliope?"
"Oh, God, you're awake. Thank God," Callie stumbled over her words in her excitement. "You scared me."
"What… where am I?"
Callie dragged her chair forward until her knees bumped against the bed. "Um, we're in psych right now. Arizona, you sort of… you had a panic attack, more of a full blown breakdown actually. We think it was triggered by the storm."
Arizona scrubbed a hand over her face. "Triggered?" She asked, exhaustion clear in her voice.
"Arizona, you thought you were back in the woods. I came up to peds to find you during the storm and Dr Boswell was helping you in an on-call room. You basically didn't know where you were. Karev really freaked out. I really freaked out." Arizona nodded along mutely. "You… I think you thought you were dying. You kept asking me to forgive you."
Arizona turned away, fixing her gaze on the opposite wall from Callie, her jaw tight. "I, I don't really remember."
Callie reached for Arizona's hand, drawing small circles across the top of her hand. "That's okay. You don't have to…. But Arizona, God, you scared me. Arizona, it was like you were gone. And I need you here. I need you to stay. I can't lose you." Arizona nodded, still facing away from Callie. "Arizona, please, I can't lose you."
"Don't think I'm exactly going anywhere," drawled Arizona to the wall. "You know, since I'm pretty sure there are rules about checking out of psych."
"Arizona!" Callie snapped, "This is serious. You thought you were dying! You were talking about your dead grandfather and begging me to forgive you for something, God, I don't even know what. Something is clearly wrong."
"I know."
"You know?"
Arizona turned back to her, tears streaming down her face. "I think I need help, Calliope. I don't think I'm okay."
"Okay, okay, that's, okay, we can figure this out. I'm not going anywhere." Callie pressed a kiss to Arizona's knuckles. "I swear, I'm not going anywhere."
xx
see everyone, i told you no cheating and a minor lauren boswell redemption arc !
hit me up on twitter lavender_lenax or tumblr avasharpest or in the comments here if you have requests! (for either drabbles or something longer!) also might be worth it to give my ao3 a browse - i sometimes post shorter, quick pieces there faster than they get posted here - check out lavenderstars (pinktrixie) on ao3 !
much love xx
