A/N: Still Teen rated, but drug-use warning for Endverse Cas.
Drinking is simple. Getting drunk is a fun pastime anyone can do. Cas remembers the first time he got drunk and how great it felt. Everything was funnier—hazier—but funnier. His motor skills were almost nonexistent, but he had more confidence. He loves the feeling.
Every time he drinks, he drinks to get drunk. He doesn't remember a time he drank casually. What's the point of that? If he is going to drink, he might as well enjoy it to the fullest.
And then he got high. And hot damn. It's like getting drunk but easier, and it lasts longer. There are a few differences in getting high versus getting drunk, but mostly it made him feel happier—and more importantly—made him forget his situation. Becoming human. The Apocalypse. Dean hardly noticing him anymore. None of it mattered.
They went through an old town, and Cas found a pharmacy that was practically untouched. He got supplies that would last him months. He was very happy that day.
That also happened to be the day he lost his virginity. It was his turn on the night shift with a guy they picked up a couple towns over. His name was Alex or Aaron or Adrian or something. Hopped up on a new cocktail of the pills he'd just found, Cas caught the new guy touching himself behind the bathroom.
Being too high to care, he watched until the guy noticed. He'd seemed embarrassed when Cas caught him, but Cas was curious. And watching him had made Cas horny anyway.
One thing led to another—the details are hazy—and they ended up fucking. Cas decided he likes that feeling a lot, too. In a way, it's almost more rewarding than a high. The effort leading up to orgasm and the following release is something no pill can replicate.
Cas knows Dean knows about the drugs. But Cas isn't sure Dean knows just how bad the drugs are, or that he's sleeping around almost as much as Dean is. Cas has gotten good at acting sober. Which is kind of a problem now.
It takes so much more to get a good high now. Every day he has to take a little something. Every time he feels himself coming down, the anxiety is almost paralyzing. He begins to feel again. He feels despair and helplessness over losing his grace. He feels depression from the current situation of the world. And he feels so many things about Dean. He tries not to think about Dean.
When Cas is sober, all he is reminded of is what Dean was like before. Happy. Warm. Loyal. Human. Everything he's not now. It destroys Cas every time.
But Cas loves Dean. Or is in love with him. He doesn't really know. That feeling got all mixed up with the drugs, so he can't really tell anymore. All he knows is that Dean is still everything to him. Cas is willing to die for him. He craves moments alone with Dean, and enjoys every interaction they have together. But, again, it could just be the drugs.
It's nighttime now, and Cas steps out of his cabin. He just took one of his favorite mixtures. The high for this paricular mixture is always great.
During today's meeting, one of the women was giving him bedroom eyes. Cas made a point to memorize where she went, so he could come by later. He's trying to rush over to her now, so he can still remember before the drugs—or more drugs—kick in.
Then he realizes it's snowing. Cas smiles. He loves the snow. It's so beautiful. He raises his hand up to let some snowflakes fall into his open palm.
"What the hell are you doing?" Dean says, appearing out of nowhere and quickly walking over to him.
"Looking at the snow," Cas answers.
"It's freezing."
Cas stops to contemplate this. He supposes it is. He shrugs. "I guess."
"It's like 3am, why are you outside?" Dean asks harshly.
3am! No way. It was just 9pm. Dammit. No way he can get laid now. Cas sighs. He was really looking forward to that.
That is one drawback from being high most of the time. Everything blurs together. Time has no meaning. It's gotten so bad he was surprised when Christmas rolled around a little bit ago. Or a while ago. Cas has no clue.
"You okay, Cas?" Dean asks.
Cas cracks a grin. He's feeling happier now. The drugs are working. "I'm always okay, Dean."
Dean sighs. "Yeah, okay. Go back to your cabin."
Cas turns to leave. Wait...where is he? He'd walked to an unfamiliar part of camp to try and see that girl, but now he's turned around.
"Cas?"
Cas spins back around. He know he should be embarrassed, but he simply doesn't care. "I'm lost," he admits.
Dean frowns and stares. "Are you high again?"
Cas laughs. "When am I not high?"
That only earns more staring.
"Can you take me back?" Cas asks impatiently.
Dean huffs but leads Cas back to his cabin. They reach his place, and Cas thinks Dean is going to leave, but Dean opens Cas' door and walks right in.
"Oh, yeah, make yourself at home," Cas remarks as he follows Dean inside.
"Seriously?"
Cas walks to Dean's side to see Dean scowling at the table. Cas left the drugs he used for his mixture on the table.
"Oh, yeah," Cas says nonchalantly. "That's what I'm on."
"Which one?" Dean's tone is short.
Cas laughs. "All of them."
Dean whirls to glare at Cas.
Cas raises is eyebrows and smiles. "And here I thought nothing surprised you anymore."
"You're not going out on missions hopped up on this shit, are you?"
Cas has never been this high while on a mission before. But he has been pretty high basically every time. But he's really enjoying Dean's reaction, so Cas decides to provoke him.
"You've never noticed," Cas replies.
Dean grabs Cas by the shirt and pins him against the wall.
It's probably because Cas was expecting to get laid all day, but this turns him on. He's also starting to feel the full effects of his drug mixture, making him carefree and giggly. And there's also Dean. If he's being honest, he's wanted to fuck Dean for a while now. A long while. Cas finds himself gripping onto Dean's arm and staring at his lips.
"You're a mess," Dean growls, letting go of him.
"You just noticed?" Cas asks sweetly, slowly dragging his eyes up to Dean's.
"Go to bed," Dean commands.
"It will be a little difficult with this." Cas grabs Dean's hand and places on his growing erection. He knows he wouldn't even be close to having this confidence while sober. He sees Dean swallow, but Dean doesn't move.
Cas leans in close and whispers in Dean's ear, "Quick and dirty. We can pretend it never happened."
Dean's breath hitches.
That's all Cas needs. "You want this," he whispers.
"You're high," Dean says, pulling away.
Cas frowns. "I'm always high."
Dean glances down at Cas then back up to his eyes. "Sober up, and I'll consider it."
Cas rolls his eyes. "I'll just find someone else."
"Okay," Dean says and turns away. He walks to the door but stops. He looks back at Cas. There's...something written on his face, but Cas can't make it out through the high. "Get some rest, Cas." Dean leaves and shuts the door behind him.
Cas watches it all silently. He knows there's something else going on here, but he has no clue what it is. For the first time since he can remember, Cas wishes he was sober.
Cas hates everything. It feels like he's dying. Maybe he is. Good.
He's lying on top of his sheets, covered in sweat. He's finally doing it. He's finally getting sober. After what Dean said, Cas tried to stop using. It wasn't easy, and he had to slowly lower himself off the drugs, but today is his first day with nothing.
It's been months since that night, and Cas is sure Dean forgot. He's not even sure why he's going through with this if it means nothing. Maybe he is in love with Dean after all. He'd literally do this for no one else.
Cas hears a knock on his door and hurriedly pulls the blankets over him. In a feverish haze, he had taken all of his clothes off last night. The heat was overwhelming.
"Come in." His voice is weak, and he internally groans. He hates this. He feels like he's sick and dying, and now he can feel embarrassment again.
Dean walks in, and Cas grimaces at the bright light from the sun.
"What?" Cas asks irritably.
"We're doing patrol and—are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Cas returns with a glare. Maybe Dean will fuck off. Cas doesn't like being looked at like this. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten completely drug-free today.
"You look like hell," Dean comments and walks closer. "Are you sick?" He suddenly stops in front of the bed and scowls. "What are you on?"
"What?" Cas asks hoarsely.
"Well, something is doing this to you."
"I'm not on anything."
"Don't lie to me." Dean crosses his arms.
Anger spikes through his chest. Been a while since he's felt that. "I'm not!" Cas shouts back. "Why do you think I'm like this? I'm having withdrawal!"
"...You're sober?"
Cas groans and covers his face. "My body is struggling to get there, but yes." He removes his hands to see Dean staring. This is so embarrassing. Fuck it. He's definitely getting high tonight after this. "Whatever," he mumbles. "This isn't worth it."
Cas feels an arm grab one of his. He looks up at Dean.
"It's worth it," Dean says.
"Why are you so sure?" Cas is feeling nothing but terrible. He wishes Dean isn't seeing him like this. The embarrassment is too much. He just wants to escape in some drugs to feel warm and numb again.
"Because I'll have you back," Dean says quietly.
"What?"
"I pushed you away a long time ago. And then I lost you to whatever high you were on." Dean looks away and swallows before returning his gaze to Cas'. "I haven't seen my best friend in years."
At least Dean admitted he pushed Cas away. "I'm not your best friend," Cas replies. He just wants Dean to leave him alone in his miserable bed full of sweat and sadness.
"Yes, you are," Dean insists. He kneels beside Cas' bed, so they're eye-level. "Cas, do you know who else knows about the Apocalypse and how it started?"
"Chuck, uh, I don't know. Everyone?" It's all kind of glossed over in Cas' mind. He doesn't pay attention to anything anymore.
Dean rolls his eyes. "Chuck aside, it's just you, Cas. No one else knows."
"Oh." Cas doesn't know how to feel. Is it good Dean didn't tell anyone else? Is Cas special? Or is Dean doing that thing where he's hiding his true emotions from everyone? Dammit. He wouldn't have to be worrying about all of this if he was high.
"I'll leave you to rest," Dean says, standing up. "Come to me when you feel better." Dean's gaze lingers on Cas, but this time it isn't embarrassing. There's something warm there. Something Cas hasn't seen in a long, long time.
It takes a week for Cas to fully recover. And when he finally returns to one of the meetings, he feels like everyone is staring at him the whole time. Who knows if they actually are. He's too distracted by thinking everyone is watching that he doesn't hear a word Dean says.
After the meeting he gets up to leave, but Dean interrupts, "Hey, Cas. Can I talk to you a minute?" And if people weren't staring before, they are now. But they all slowly file out the door.
Cas walks over to Dean. "Yeah?"
Dean puts a hand on Cas' shoulder. "How are you feeling?"
Cas just wants to go home. This is too much. He doesn't want to be here. "I'm fine." But it's stiff and unconvincing.
"I'm glad you're here."
Cas feels his cheeks heat up. Yup, he hasn't felt that in a while. "Thanks."
The smallest smile passes over Dean's lips. "I can walk you back."
"Okay," Cas answers.
They slowly make their way back to Cas' cabin. It's the first time Cas really enjoys walking through camp. He can clearly feel the slight breeze on his skin, and he watches a bird fly overhead. It's really quite peaceful. Cas is actually a bit sad when they reach his cabin, but they both head inside.
"So," Dean says as Cas closes the door. "Why did you do it?"
Cas turns to face him. "Do what?"
"Stop using."
Cas looks at the ground. What is he supposed to say? The truth? I did it because I'm hopelessly in love with you. I'll do anything for you. He winces at how clingy it sounds. "Guess I was sick of it," he lies. The opposite couldn't be more true. He misses it so fucking much. He only stopped on the small hope something might happen between him and Dean. The smallest thing could send him spiraling back right now.
"Really?" Dean sounds almost disappointed.
Cas looks up. "Yup," he lies again.
"Do you remember me telling you to sober up?"
And Cas forgets how to breathe. That's all he's been thinking about. He swallows. "Yeah."
Dean takes a step closer. "Because, to me," Dean stares, "it seems like you stopped using because of me."
"M-maybe." Geez. Can he sound any weaker?
Dean grabs both of Cas' hands. "You're all I have left," Dean says. And it's soft and almost broken.
"You're telling me this fearless leader thing is all an act?" Cas asks. He's staring at their hands.
"Yes," Dean answers quickly. He clears his throat.
Cas looks up.
"I need you, Cas." And it sounds like Dean. The Dean Cas pulled from Hell. The Dean who frustrated Bobby and who would do anything for his little brother. It brings tears to Cas' eyes. Maybe his Dean is in there after all.
Cas steps forward, so their chests are touching. "I need you, too. I thought you were gone."
"I'll never leave you again."
Dean cups Cas' face and kisses him. It's so soft and gentle and full of such care. It's as if Dean wants Cas to know how much he values him. Cas whimpers. He's never felt this way.
Dean pulls back. "You okay?" He's staring at Cas with wide eyes.
"Yes, of course."
"You're crying."
Cas immediately puts a hand to his face to find hot, wet tears running down his cheeks. He blushes furiously and wipes his tears. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize. Are you okay?"
Cas shakes his head. "I love you."
Dean blinks in surprise.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Cas just ruined it. "...Dean?"
"Is this real?" Dean breathes quietly.
"I hope so."
"I never thought I'd be happy again."
Cas pulls Dean into a hug. It's been so long since he's done anything like this with someone. Shared a moment like this. Felt something genuinely good.
Dean pulls away for just enough space to kiss Cas again. Cas kisses back. He'll never get high again if it means he can have Dean like this.
Dean pulls away. "I love you, too."
