Sidenote: I would be eternally grateful if anyone reading this would be able to draw Rin with her new guitar. I have a picture of her on my mind, but I can't draw and it sucks. :D
CHAPTER 5: The Light And The Shadow
The following morning, Luka pulled Meiko into their bus kitchen to discuss an idea that has been running through her head the entire previous evening. Everyone else was asleep in the back -except for Rin who was playing with her new friend quietly. Said friend had six strings and a nice warm sound. The Kagamine girl spent most of the previous night rediscovering her abilities, for she hadn't played the guitar properly since she left home with the Vocaloids.
"What do you have in mind?" Meiko asked and chewed on her thick sandvich. She mastered the art of eating sandviches and similar contraptions without ever dropping a single piece of food inside. Luka admired her: whenever she was eating a hamburger, most of it ended up anywhere within a three feet radius from her.
"I'm not suggesting a 'meet and greet' right away," she replied and held her hands over her steaming cup of coffee to keep them warm. "But we could break the fourth wall just a little bit. Like, coming out to meet the people who arrive early."
"How early?"
"You know, five or six hours? Those nuts that camp in front of the venue from early morning just so they could run to the front when the door opens."
Meiko smiled. "You wouldn't find me among them, that's for sure."
"How come?"
"I've had my fair share of this craziness years ago," she explained. "People are able to go berserk at each other, and in the end you just stand there for several hours without any chance of stretching your legs, as long as you're not prepared to give up your spot. I'd rather just pay for a seat."
"You'll hear no arguments from me," Luka nodded and took a sip of her coffee. "But you can't deny that those people exist."
"And you wish to reward them for their dedication?"
"That's one way to look at it. But more importantly for us," she grinned, "we wouldn't get lost in the sea of people if there's only fifty of them."
"That sound reasonable." Meiko stood up and turned around to put away her empty plate, showing off her round butt covered in striped panties in the process.
"Don't you have any dignity whatsoever?" Luka rolled her eyes.
"Fuck dignity, it's comfy," she replied and sat back down with a mischievous smile.
"Whatever, just don't be surprised if little Len falls in love with your shapes. And then you'll have to tell him that your interest lies elsewhere."
Meiko laughed. "My interest currently lies in the back."
"Oh yeah, how did you manage to sneak Naomi in without anyone asking questions?"
"Please, we've been keeping this relationship in secret for so long, we know how to get around."
"Ha!" Rin's head suddenly popped up behind the corner, followed by the rest of her body. She was dressed in light blue pajamas and had her puppy slippers on -fluffy shoes in the shape of dog's feet, including little fake nails in the front. "I knew you're going out with someone on the crew bus!"
"Whoops," said Meiko. The twin sat next to her, pulled up her guitar which she still held on to and clenched its body in her arms; its neck rested softly on her left shoulder.
"Well, there goes your secret." Luka sipped on her coffee.
"Heeey, Rin," the busted woman purred in the girl's direction; "you're not gonna tell anyone, are you? Nobody knows, except for Luka here."
"Of course!" Rin replied. "I won't tell, I swear."
"Are you kidding?" Miku said literally two hours later in their hotel room.
"Nope! All this time I knew she was keeping something from us, but I just kinda assumed it was a boy." Rin was sitting on her bed with her back against the wall, looking around the room. This one had dark red-ish walls, sturdy looking beds with white sheets and a small TV at the opposing wall, clutched betweed two armchairs. There was a built-in wardrobe in the short corridor leading to the exit; the bathroom was at the other side.
"Please don't tell her that I told you," she added and turned her head towards Miku. She was digging in the depths of her suitcase. There was something ironic about watching the big, famous pop star rolling arms deep in the mess that was her luggage, wearing a plain flannel shirt and the baggiest sweatpants in the world. "I promised her I won't say anything, and I won't, at least from now on. But I had to share it with you, you gotta admit."
Her friend chuckled. "Yeah, this is big news. Not that it's any of our business, though. But... you know."
"Yup. We have a queer friend and we didn't even know." Rin watched Miku quietly for a few seconds. "Whatcha lookin' for?"
"My hair dye," she said. "I'm almost out, but I know I have a little bit left. Somewhere."
"Still, you should tell them to get you a new supply."
"I will tonight." The girl finally found what she was looking for; she threw a small turqoise box on her bed and exhaled deeply. "Hey, you were talking about Luka's idea."
"Oooh, righty!" The twin remembered. "Luka came up with this idea that we could start meeting our fans. They were talking about it with Mom-ko in front of me."
Miku thought for a moment and then pulled a short black skirt and a thin grey sweater out of her suitcase. "Why so suddenly, though?"
"Remember your little identity crisis a while back?" Rin asked with an ironic smile. "And how I ran away yesterday? Luka thinks it wouldn't hurt if we felt more connected to our fans. And they to us, too."
"Meaning?" Slowly slipped out of her sweatpants; her shirt was long enough to cover any unnecessary details.
"Meaning that if seeing us talk to them might make them realise that we're only human. And it might make us realise that people value our lives. At least that's the way she put it," the twin added.
Someone knocked on the door and entered.
"Miku?" Kaito called and emerged from the corridor. It only took him a fraction of a second to realise that Miku had no pants on; his face turned red like a Summer sun at dawn, and he embarrasedly looked at the wall. "Um, sorry. Should have waited outside."
"It's fine, we're all friends here," she said with laughter. "What do you need?"
"I, uh, came to return the, um, earphones. That I borrowed yesterday." The boy carefully looked her in the eyes instead of anywhere lower. He handed her a neatly knotted ball of wires.
"Ah, thanks." She took them and smiled. "We'll talk later, ok? We're in the middle of something here."
"Fine. Uh, see you guys later," Kaito stuttered and quickly turned around and left.
Rin burst out laughing as soon as the door closed behind him. "You and Meiko are horrible, both of you," she said. "You're walking around half naked, scaring our poor boys to death."
Miku was a little red herself. "I don't know what the big deal is. We work together, we change costumes all the time. Of course we're going to see each other every now and then."
"Yeah, but he's..." The twin began, but coughed and looked away without finishing the sentence.
"He's what?" Her friend proceeded to unbutton her shirt.
"Nothing, nevermind."
"Were you about to say that he has a crush on me?"
Rin looked at her. Miku's expression hasn't changed whatsoever as she asked that question; she was just curious.
"Finally you noticed," she told her. "Or have you known it before?"
The shirt fell on the ground and Miku put on the skirt that she picked before without a word.
"I was suspicious," she admitted eventually and pulled the grey sweater over her head as well. "He spends quite a lot of time with me."
"Well, that, and also he's not capable of a coherent conversation when you're around."
"He's actually improving," Miku grinned, but her eyes were troubled. She sat down on her bed against Rin. "What do you think I should do about that?"
"I don't know, what do you think?" The blond girl looked at the window next to her. It was hard to look outside from this angle, but she at least saw a tiny piece of the sky. The sun was shining, but small clouds were moving rapidly all over the blue canvas.
Her friend sighed. "I don't know either," she confessed. "Kaito is... a nice guy. He would love to see everyone happy, and he always comforts me when I'm down. But... Is that a good enough reason to have a relationship with him?"
"That's your decision, Miku. How do you feel about him?"
"How indeed?" Miku was looking at the ground. "I'm confused. I appreciate what he does, and sometimes I just want him to give me a big hug when I need to feel safe. But I think he'd like to own me -own my life so that he can constantly make me happy. And he just can't be responsible for my happiness all the time."
She looked at Rin who was frowning at her. "I need time for myself, too. Especially with all this mess that's been happening in my head."
The twin blinked. "What mess?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Forget I said it."
"Like heck I'll forget!" Rin pushed herself from the wall and sat on the bed's edge, closer to Miku. "Tell me!"
She smiled. "Rin, really, that's nothing that I want to bother you with."
"You're a moron." The twin suddenly jumped forward and began to rapidly poke on Miku's belly. Her distant expression immediately turned to a squeaking laughter, and she fought back.
"I'm your family, whether you like it or not," Rin said during the torture. "If there's something that bothers you, I wanna know!"
"Fine, just get off, you maniac," Miku replied with a wide smile that the twin acknowledged with a grin of satisfaction.
"It's just that..." she began. "Sometimes I just snap and lose control of my emotions. Sometimes I feel hyped and... alive, and then the smallest shittiest thing happens, and I begin to hate myself for the rest of the day. And that scares me, that's all."
"Please, Miku," her friend tapped her on the knee with her hand; "everyone feels sad sometimes, that's not something to worry about."
She wanted to tell her the truth: that her states of hopeless apathy weren't just "sad". That every time she was happy, she hoped that this time it will last forever, and yet anxiously feared that it will come back. That she felt trapped in a cycle with no way out and didn't even know what was wrong with her. It was as if two different Mikus lived inside her, and when the dark Miku took over, she couldn't do anything to stop her, and that was the scariest part of her problem.
But she couldn't tell Rin all this. Maybe Miku just doubted that she would be able to understand, maybe she wasn't ready to talk about it so openly. For the most part, she wanted to stick to not bothering her friend with a problem so personal.
"I guess you're right," she said instead. "Maybe I just need a vacation. We've been on tour for almost a year now without any breaks worth mentioning."
"Tell me about that," Rin agreed, seemingly dropping the subject. "I love this, but it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic."
"I wish I had the guts to just disappear like you did yesterday," Miku smiled.
"Meh, that wasn't my guts, that was Ichiro's fault."
"Right." Rin had told her all the details regarding her ex-almost-boyfriend after the show the day before. "How do you feel about that? Compared to yesterday, I mean."
The twin fell on her back and stared at the ceiling. "Better. I freaked out yesterday, but it settled down over night. And Bellatrix helped a lot."
Miku blinked. "Who's Bellatrix?"
"My spirit animal!" she replied and peeked over to the corner with her eyes glowing. Her friend followed her gaze; Rin's new guitar was lying in one of the armchairs.
"You know, it does look like you two were made for each other."
"Right?" Rin couldn't resist, she stood up and grabbed Bellatrix, taking her place on the armchair with the guitar on her knees. "She's nothing like all those fake guitars that I use on stage. She is mine."
"Maybe one of these days you'll have your own acoustic show?" Miku suggested and giggled.
"No shit! Hey, check this out, maybe you'll know this one."
Rin started singing and playing a song from the latest demo compilation sent in by the management. It was another one of those songs about dysfunctional relationships; Miku vaguely remembered that its title was Patchwork Staccato. The acoustic guitar gave the song a bit of an ironic undertone, but it actually fit it really well at the same time.
The twin made it all the way to the chorus when she started to mix up the chords. She paused for a moment and finished the song early with a loud disonant chord.
"God dammit," she cursed, and her shoulders were shaking from laughter.
In the adjacent room, Luka grinned. She felt the urge to go in there and tell the girls that they should be more considerate of their neighbors, but decided that it wasn't so important. Besides, she was the one responsible for Rin's new friend, and because she was happy about the level of enthusiasm that the girl showed, she didn't want to discourage her.
Luka was preparing for the call she had to make. She wanted to tell the management about her idea, and she needed to summarise the terms that she had to discuss.
At that point, she had all of her colleagues' blessings to organise the fan meetings, except for Miku who she didn't get to talk to yet. Meiko and Rin really supported such idea, while Len was -as always -rather indifferent to it, stating that if the others choose to do it, he'll join. As for Kaito, he didn't say it explicitely but it sounded a lot like his willingness to do it depended solely on Miku's opinion which wasn't yet known.
Such standpoint was upsetting Luka on two different levels; the first being that Kaito was clearly forgetting about his own life in an attempt to give his all to his love interest. The longer Miku was rejecting him, the more desperate he seemed to grow, and the more sorry she felt for him.
There was another part of her, one that has been ever so slowly and quietly awakening as time passed by. After their little drunken incident that one evening, Luka never considered that it meant anything, and she and Kaito were great friends. But what Rin told her on the bus the other day made her think.
She realised that they really did get along really well. Luka felt that she always knew what was on Kaito's mind before he even opened his mouth, and that if he would look around for other people than Miku, he might see the same thing. Even if she was drunk, come to think of it, she wasn't sure if she'd let anyone else get that close to her. There seemed to be some kind of connection between her and Kaito, and who knew what could have happened hadn't he lost his mind for the turqoise girl soon after their big tour began.
Luka told nothing of this to anyone; instead, she focused all the more on making others happy, hoping to forget about her own troubles. Besides, she didn't think Kaito would snap out of his crush just because; he still needed time, and as long as he did, there was nothing left to do but sit and wait.
