for nic ( robbinsarzona) on twitter: callie finding out about the "you're nothing" argument in s7

title from cigarettes after sex's song of the same name

nothing's gonna hurt you baby

"I've got a surgery I need to go prep for, but I'll be back right after, okay?" Arizona hesitated for a moment before leaning in for a quick kiss. "Go kick ass at PT. I love you." She brushed her fingers across Callie's cheekbone, her eyes soft and full of love.

"Love you too," sighed Callie, unable to shake the neverending ache in her body. But Arizona helped. Sofia helped. They made it worth it. She had to get better for them. Because she wanted to hold Sofia and walk down the aisle and marry Arizona. "Go kick ass at your surgery."

Arizona beamed. Callie had been right all those years ago. Just the mere sight of Arizona's smile could make anyone feel better. It was magic.

"Don't I always?"

Callie chuckled, managing to lift a hand to Arizona's face. She still couldn't really move her fingers how they were supposed to, but she could touch Arizona again and that was something. It wasn't everything, but it was something and Callie was gonna keep fighting like hell to get better.

"Yeah, you do."

Callie watched as Arizona straightened up and headed towards the door.

"Oh hey, Robbins, off to surgery?"

"Mark," Arizona replied, her smile fading and tightening a bit. She gave him a sharp nod before heading out into the corridor.

"Torres, how we feeling today? Already stopped in on Sof, she's a champ as always." Mark dropped into the chair Arizona just vacated, resting his feet on the end of her bed. "Seriously, I'm telling you, she's the toughest baby in the NICU. She's kicking all the other babies' asses." Mark paused, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. "Is that wrong to say?"

"Probably," drawled Callie. "I don't think you should be competitive about sick children."

"Whatever, Sofia's still the best. I'm just saying." Mark shrugged his shoulders. "How are you feeling, really? You're only what, six weeks out from the accident and two from your last surgery?"

Callie exhaled slowly. "I'm fine, really-" Mark's pager beeping cut her off. He glanced at it before looking up at Callie, his expression apologetic. "Go, go, Kepner can keep me company," she said, nodding towards the resident who had been hovering outside her room.

"Okay, I'll be back later. See you later, Torres."

He nearly knocked Kepner over on his way out, Kepner yelping out an apology even though it was definitely Mark's fault.

"Kepner, stop hovering. Just come in."

"Right, of course, sorry, Dr Torres. Dr Bailey just wanted me to double check how your incisions were healing and also, she wanted me to remind you to take it easy at physical therapy today because, and she asked me to quote this directly: she's 'tired of seeing your insides'."

Callie lifted an eyebrow as Kepner heaved in a breath. "Is that all?"

"Uh, yes, I think so."

"Okay, check away. You and the other two residents and three nurses and Arizona. It's almost like no one thinks I know how not to tear stitches."

Kepner turned a bit pink around her ears and Callie almost felt bad. But she had nothing else to do but tease Kepner. And teasing Kepner was always fun. It was so painfully boring in her room when Mark and Arizona were off doing other things.

"Of course, Dr Torres, I mean, obviously, you're a doctor, a well-respected attending. Of course, you know about stitches and-"

"Relax, Kepner, I'm teasing you. You don't need to take everything so seriously."

Kepner's shoulders dropped about an inch as she sighed. "Oh, got it. Sorry, between the whole chief resident race and the kids from Africa and everything, I'm a bit stressed out. Sorry."

"Everyone's a bit stressed out, Kepner." Kepner busied herself with checking Callie's incisions, so Callie kept talking, "All you residents are stressed out about chief resident. Honestly, the job kind of sucks. I was terrible at it. Bailey was a good chief resident. I'm pretty sure Arizona ran Hopkins like a Marine when she was chief resident, which sounds terrifying quite frankly. She's all stressed about the Africa kids. She won't tell me about it, but I can tell, she's stressed. This is her baby, well, her other baby. She couldn't go back to Malawi because of everything that's happened with Sofia and me. And she's stressed out about that. Again, not that she'd tell me. I'm just glad she and Mark are finally getting along better these days. They're actually working together and it's… it's great, honestly, don't you think, Kepner? I never thought I'd see the day. Arizona… she and Mark are like oil and water sometimes."

Kepner nodded along with her as she replaced the bandages. "Maybe Dr Sloan feels guilty because of what he said?" And then Kepner's eyes went wide and a hand flew up to her mouth. "I mean, no, uh, nevermind. I shouldn't've said-"

"Kepner, why would Mark feel guilty?" Callie snapped, her voice cracking a bit.

"Oh, I really shouldn't-"

"Kepner, I am your attending and if you want so much as a chance at chief resident, you will tell me right now." Part of Callie felt a little bit guilty for holding that over Kepner's head. But she needed to know what it was that Kepner looked so freaked about. "Kepner, now!" She barked. Kepner glanced towards the door as if someone would appear and save her. "Talk. Now. Kepner."

Kepner cast a baleful look towards the door, but no one came to her rescue.

"I really think you should ask Dr Robbins or Dr Sloan-"

"Sit down, Kepner and talk before I lose it."

Kepner dropped into a chair, eyes wide and slightly terrified. "Um, really, are you sure? I don't think I'm the best person-"

"Do I look sure to you? I swear to God if you don't start talking…."

Kepner stared down at her hands, unable to meet Callie's eyes. "I really only heard part of it, and then I heard bits of rumours, but Dr Bailey and, uh, Dr Robbins, they both made it very clear that no one was to repeat it to anyone. Especially not to you. Oh no, they're going to kill me."

"Focus."

"Um, yeah, so, uh, you see, they needed to decide what the right thing to do for you and the baby, er, Sofia. And Dr Robbins wanted to give Sofia the best chance, but Dr Sloan thought you should take priority over the baby, even if it, if it killed the baby and they argued."

"They argued?" Callie asked, all emotion drained from her voice. Mark had been willing to sacrifice Sofia?

Kepner fussed with the knee of her scrub pants. "I really only heard a bit of it. I was in the other room, your room. But, but I think there was… Dr Sloan said Dr Robbins was nothing because it was his family and he was the father and it was his decision."

Nothing? He called Arizona nothing?

Arizona was everything.

Arizona was the woman she loved. Arizona was her soulmate. Arizona was her everything. She needed Arizona. She loved Arizona.

How could Mark say that?

How could he do that?

She knew that Mark and Arizona didn't get along. Arizona wasn't delighted by Mark. She acted out towards Mark. She was jealous of Mark, irrationally so. Because Callie didn't love Mark, well, she loved him, but as a friend. She was in love with Arizona.

"Kepner, you're still here, everything good?"

The object of Callie's ire appeared in the doorway, a stupid grin on his face that Callie sort of wanted to smack off his face.

"I was just… I'm sure Dr Bailey or someone needs me, is paging me." Kepner nearly tripped over her own feet in her haste to flee from Callie's festering rage.

Mark glanced over his shoulder as Kepner nearly sprinted down the corridor. "She's a squirrelly one, isn't she?" Mark chuckled as he turned back to Callie, his eyebrows pinching together. "You alright?"

"Who would you save: me or Sofia?"

"Callie, what? What're you talking about? Do they have you on the good drugs again?"

"Mark!" She snapped, "Answer me. Who would you save: me or Sofia?"

"What kind of question is that?" Mark asked, concern colouring his tone. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you dying?"

"Mark. Me or Sofia." Mark's mouth fell open as he searched for words. "Answer me."

Mark ran a hand through his hair, tugging slightly. "I'm sorry, Cal. Sofia."

"Right answer," Callie rasped, "So tell me," she paused, sucking in a breath, "why… why you and Arizona were arguing over who to save?"

"Fuck," Mark breathed out, "She actually told you?" He sank into a chair, burying his face in his hands. "I can't believe her. We both apologized. We said… we moved past it. And she told you? What? Why?"

Callie's heart sank. It wasn't just Kepner mishearing something. Mark's reaction all but confirmed it.

"You… Tell me what happened, Mark. Now. And for the record, Arizona didn't say a word. It was Kepner who spilled. I thought you two were doing better."

"We are!" Mark said in protest, throwing his hands up. "It was a stupid argument!"

"I want to know, Mark."

"No, no, you really don't. Callie, I'm telling you, you don't want to know." Mark shook his head, desperation in his eyes. "Robbins and I are fine now. It's fine now."

But it wasn't fine. Because if Kepner was right, Mark had called Arizona nothing.

"I want to know."

"Callie…"

"Mark! Kepner said you called Arizona nothing. How… how could you?"

"Cal, it was… we were both freaked out. We both said things. She called me a sperm donor!" Mark blurted out, "She was willing to let you die. She was willing to let you die for the baby, for Sofia, because she thought that you wouldn't want to live without Sofia. I was scared! You were dying, Callie! This is my family!" Mark's voice rose and Callie could hear the residual anger and frustration in his tone. It was the same way he had demanded that he was the father a few months back for the first time, or every time since then. The way that made Arizona's head drop a bit and shoulders sink. "This is my family."

Callie swallowed back her first words, which likely would've ruined her and Mark's relationship for good. She shifted slightly back up on the bed. "I would've made the same call as Arizona. But you called her nothing, Mark. Arizona is… she is everything to me. She is the love of my life and you called her nothing. I don't… I don't know if I can forgive you for that."

"Me and Robbins, we're good."

"Are you, Mark? Are you really?"

Mark nodded quickly. "We talked. I apologized. She apologized. After Sofia was born. We came to an understanding."

"You came to an understanding? Or Arizona was the bigger person because she's terrified that you actually think she's nothing and that you'd keep her from Sofia?"

"I wouldn't, I would never. Callie, I swear. I was just… I was scared that you were going to die. You're my family!" Mark's hands curled into fists on his legs. "You and Sofia, you…"

"Mark…" Callie paused, trying to choose her words carefully, so as not to hurt Mark, but her heart ached for Arizona. "I…" Because Mark was her best friend and he was Sofia's father. But he wasn't her family, not like Arizona was. There was a difference.

"Callie, I didn't mean it, I swear. I was just mad."

"But you still said it!" Callie snapped and her heart rate spiked a bit. "You still said it so you must have thought it! You told her she was nothing, Mark," Callie's voice broke. Mark's head dropped a bit as he was seemingly unable to maintain eye contact. "I can't… I can't, I don't know if I can forgive that, forget that."

"Robbins and I talked. We're good. We forgave each other! We're fine. We agreed not to discuss it further."

"So, what? You two were just never going to tell me? What sort of strategy is that?"

"Callie, you need to calm down. You're going to hurt yourself." Mark reached forward but Callie flinched back. She could barely even look at him, she was so livid. "Callie."

"Mark, I don't even… I don't even know what to say to you right now. I need to, I think I need to talk to Arizona."

"So, what you're just siding with her? We both said awful things-"

"I'm not siding with anyone! This isn't some playground argument, Mark! And for the record, I'm always on Arizona's side. She is going to be my wife and… and… Mark, we're getting married. She's my family. Her and Sofia."

She winced at the flash of hurt that crossed Mark's face. But she knew that she needed to say this. Because, yes, Mark was the father, yes, Mark was her best friend. And he would always be a part of her life, always have a place with her. But it was different. She wanted Christmas mornings and matching pyjamas with Arizona. She wanted the cute house with a treehouse with Arizona. She already wanted more kids with Arizona. The point was that it was with Arizona. Not with Mark. Mark would always be a part of things because he was Sofia's father. His family was Sofia. Not her and Arizona. There had to be a distinction.

"Callie," Mark started, looking for all the world like a sad little boy and Callie felt a twinge of guilt because she knew that had to cut at Mark. But she felt that it needed to be said.

"I need to talk to Arizona, Mark. I just… can you go? I am still so mad at you right now. I need some time."

"Are you mad at Robbins too? Do you want me to go find her? And Callie, what does some time even mean? I'm Sofia's father!"

Callie sighed and shook her head. "I know, Mark. You've said it enough times. I need to talk to Arizona."

"So you're not mad at her?"

"Mark, my relationship with Arizona is not your concern! I love you, you're my best friend, but I need some space."

"And when she bails again? What then?" Mark spat out, "Shit, Cal, I didn't mean-"

"Seriously? Is that what this is about? That Arizona is going to leave-"

"-you were a wreck when she left! Don't you remember that?"

"Yes, Mark, as you might recall, it's how we ended up in this situation. Me being a wreck!"

"Callie-"

"Arizona isn't going anywhere! We are getting married! She hasn't left my side in weeks. She's in. She's not going anywhere. I don't need you trying to protect me or whatever. I… Mark, I think I need you to give me some space. I need to process this. Can you please go?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!"

Mark lifted his hands in supplication. "Do you want me to grab Robbins?"

"No, no, she's in surgery. And I have PT. Just, just go, please, Mark."

Mark rose to his feet, regret clear in his eyes. She wanted to believe that he didn't mean it, that he and Arizona were fine. Mark tended to react emotionally, the same as Callie. But he called Arizona nothing. That was so beyond not okay.

"I'll… I'll… just let me know when you want to talk, okay, Cal?"

She managed a weak nod, still barely even able to look at him. "Yeah."

As Mark left, Callie tried to wipe her cheek on her shoulder. Tears pricked uncomfortably at her eyes. She thought things were better. That Mark and Arizona had finally found common ground. But was it all just an act?

Or at least an act on Arizona's part?

Callie did believe that Mark thought they were okay. She just doubted that Arizona felt the same way. Arizona internalized everything. Her pointless guilt over Tim's death. Her father's whole "good man in a storm" spiel. Her grief over patients. Her hurt over Callie herself. Callie saw it and most of the time just let Arizona be because there wasn't much point to pushing her if she wasn't ready. It just made Arizona shut down more. Arizona, most of the time, at least, or maybe just before Africa, would come to Callie when she was ready.

But ever since she came back from Africa, she had been more withdrawn, almost skittish. Callie had honestly thought that it was Arizona dealing with warring regret and desire over leaving her clinic, which was why she didn't press the issue; she needed Arizona to stay. But maybe that was only part of it?

She really needed to talk to Arizona.

How could Mark say that?

He knew how much she loved Arizona. He had to.

"Morning, Callie," Teddy said as she appeared in the doorway. "Oh God, are you okay? Is everything okay?" Teddy rushed to the monitors in a panic. "Is Sofia okay?"

"What? I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." Teddy waved a hand towards her face. "You look like you've been crying. I mean, you're better at hiding it than Arizona, but you definitely look like you've been crying a bit."

Something twisted painfully inside her. She hated when Arizona cried. It broke her heart every time. "Arizona's been crying?"

Teddy froze, her eyes wide. "Uh, not really, I mean, there was just a lot going on."

"Like her and Mark fighting?"

Teddy's mouth fell open and she took a few too many beats to respond. "Um, would you look at that? I've got a surgery I need to prepare for." Teddy started to head for the door.

"Teddy! Don't you run away from me!" But it was too late, Teddy was already halfway down the corridor by the time Callie finished her sentence.

She really needed to talk to Arizona.

xx

"I am so, so sorry," Arizona panted as she appeared in the doorway of Callie's room. "How was PT? How was your day? I know I said I'd be by earlier, but we got a liver and I had to fly to Portland, which sort of sucked, because flying, and I wanted to be here. But I'm here now and Alex sent me new pictures of Sofia if you wanna see?" Arizona breathed out, an easy, bright smile fading as she took in Callie's face. "What's wrong? Is it your incisions? Did you push yourself at PT again? Calliope…."

Callie had spent the better part of the day stewing over the revelations of the morning and that had done little to improve her mood. Apparently, Teddy or Kepner had warned people away from her room, leaving only Bailey brave enough to come in. Bailey staunchly refused to discuss it, only muttering that she needed to talk to Arizona.

"You know I love you so much, right?"

"Calliope, what…" Arizona perched on the edge of her bed, her brow creased in confusion.

"You know that, right? Right?"

"Yes, of course, I love you too."

Callie steeled herself for a moment before asking, "Then why didn't you tell me about your argument with Mark?" Predictably, like everyone else had all day, Arizona's eyes flitted to the door before returning back to Callie, already filled with guilt and shame and something else that seemed far too close to heartache for Callie to be okay with it.

"What argument?"

"Arizona."

"It wasn't important… I didn't mean it." Arizona stood to her feet, nervous energy pouring off of her in waves. "It's fine. I apologized! Okay? I apologized." Her shoulders dropped an inch and it was like Arizona was trying to curl in on herself.

And Callie's heart sank.

Did Arizona think she was mad at her?

"I apologized, Callie," Arizona repeated, turning back to face Callie.

"Arizona, that's not… why didn't you tell me?"

Arizona gave a weak sort of shrug. "You don't need any added stress right now. It wasn't that important. We talked later and I apologized. We both apologized. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have said what I said." She took a shaky breath. "It wasn't important. What was important, what is important is you and Sofia and you two getting better." Arizona tried to smile but it didn't look right. It wasn't her usual smile.

It was the sort of half-smile that Callie had seen more often than not since Arizona came back from Africa and she hated it.

"You're important too, Arizona." Arizona just hummed in response. "You are."

"Yeah."

Well, that didn't exactly inspire confidence.

"I just… you have to be honest with me, Arizona. We're getting married and I need to know that you're okay."

"I'm okay," Arizona replied dutifully, still looking for all the world like she might shatter to pieces, like she was waiting for something. "Really, Calliope, I'm okay. "

"You don't look okay," Callie said, "Did you really not want to tell me about the fight with Mark because you thought it would stress me out? Because I can tell when you're lying or doing your whole internal processing thing and normally, I'd let you, but Arizona, you look like you're about to cry. So just tell me please."

"I said I'm fine!" There was a bit of bite to Arizona's voice and Callie knew they were close to a breakthrough. "Just drop it, it's fine."

"Really? You're just fine with Mark now? Kepner told me what he said and you're just fine with that, Arizona? We're in this together! We're about to be married. You can't just internalize everything! You have to actually talk to-"

"I thought you'd side with Mark!" Arizona all but yelled, her voice breaking a bit, "I thought that you'd take his side and Calliope, I can't… I can't handle that. I can't lose you. I can't lose Sofia. It would break me and you'd take Mark's side and it would… it would just be confirmation of what I already know. I get it, okay?" Callie just stared at Arizona, unable to find words. Arizona nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. "I, uh, I should let you rest, yeah. You should… I'll just, I'll go. I shouldn't've… I shouldn't have yelled." She wrapped an arm around her waist and it looked like she might fall to pieces.

"No!" Callie yelped, finally able to speak as Arizona took a few steps. "No, we're not done talking about this. Why would I side with Mark?"

Arizona paused, rocking back on her heels. "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously."

"We should talk about this some other-"

"No! If we don't talk about it now, you'll just bury it and never want to talk about it again because you think that it'll hurt me. We're talking about this now, Arizona."

"That's not-"

"Are you really arguing with me right now? Sit." Arizona moved back to Callie's bedside, hesitating for a moment before Callie bit out, "Arizona, please." Arizona sat and instinctively reached for Callie's hand. "Please, I need you to talk to me."

Arizona chewed on her bottom lip, watching Callie's face carefully. "I… I don't really know what you want me to say."

"I want you to actually talk to me."

"Hm."

"Hm, what? What is that supposed to mean? Just talk to me."

Arizona hesitated, her eyes wide and full of… was that fear? She nodded, more to herself than Callie. "I was, I was afraid that you would side with Mark because, Callie," and Callie wasn't used to hearing Arizona almost beg, "It's, I don't even know. It's like you and Mark have your own thing going on and I don't want to be that person, that person who's so consumed by insecurity. I'm not an insecure person, at least, I don't think so. But Callie, you're delighted by Mark and Mark is who you turn to, not me, so why wouldn't you side with him, agree with him? Somehow, I feel like I'm the third wheel in my own relationship. And I'm so tired of it, and I don't want to be jealous because that's stupid and I know it bothers you and… I am terrified that you will decide that you don't need me because you have Mark, and, and, and then I'll really be nothing," Arizona trailed off, almost looking surprised she had said all of that.

"Arizona," Callie started, blinking back tears, "Arizona, you're everything to me, to Sofia, you have to know that." Arizona's jaw tightened and she managed to nod. "I love you. I am so in love with you." Arizona's bottom lip trembled. "That's not everything though, is it?" She asked as she watched emotions pass through Arizona's eyes. "Just tell me please."

"There's no point in you being madder at Mark."

"How about I decide how mad I want to be at Mark? Tell me."

"He said… he said that you two could always just… again… make another… and all I can think about is you leaving… and… God, I, it's…"

Callie frowned, trying to decipher what Arizona was trying to say when realization hit her like a punch in the gut. "Wait, Mark said we could make another baby? Are you serious? Go get Mark, I'm going to kick his ass! Where does he get off?"

"Calliope, you need to settle down." Arizona pressed her back into the bed with gentle hands on her shoulders. "Can we just sit here and be mad at Mark tonight? We can deal with the rest of it in the morning."

As Callie stared at the woman she loved, a wave of guilt crashed into her. Hadn't she asked George that same thing years ago? When Izzie and Meredith and even Cristina were too involved in their relationship, she had begged George to just be mad with her. Was that how Arizona felt? Evidently yes, but she hadn't felt like she could even tell Callie.

With a sort of sinking realization, Callie thought back on Mark's place in their relationship. Because Mark had a place in their relationship. Because Arizona felt like the third wheel in their relationship. How had she let this happen? The last thing she wanted was to hurt Arizona.

Part of her had been clinging to Mark like a security blanket and Mark did the same and Arizona was afraid that if she said anything, Callie would choose Mark.

"Lie down next to me, please?" Callie asked, trying to shift over as much as she could. After some maneuvering, Arizona tucked herself along Callie's side. "I'm sorry."

"It's-"

"Do not say fine."

"Okay?" Arizona offered.

"We'll talk to Mark, I'll talk to Mark," Callie corrected. "He needs some boundaries. We'll set some ground rules. Yes, he's Sofia's father. But that doesn't give him the right to be involved in every detail of our lives. Because it is our life. We're getting married and we have the most perfect baby and it's going to be perfect." Arizona sniffled and Callie had to crane her neck to see Arizona wiping away tears.

"'m sorry. I'm just so tired," Arizona mumbled, "Yes to all of that. But especially the marrying you part and the perfect baby." Arizona pressed a kiss to Callie's cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too. You said Alex sent you pictures?"

Arizona chuckled, fumbling for her phone in her pocket, passing the phone to Callie. "Yeah." Arizona rested her head against Callie's.

"I need to see our perfect baby. Aw, see, she's pretty perfect, isn't she?" Callie cooed, "Arizona?" she whispered. "Arizona?" She twisted slightly, finding Arizona completely passed out next to her. "You sleep. I'll just keep looking at the most adorable baby in the world."

"Torres, as your surgeon, I have to tell you that isn't allowed," Bailey called from the doorway, her voice soft. "But as your friend, I'm glad she's finally really sleeping. Working herself to the bone. Did you two talk?"

Callie nodded, letting Arizona's phone fall into her lap. "Yeah. I can't believe no one told me. I can't believe she didn't tell me."

Bailey took a seat on Callie's side of the bed, her eyes pensive. "That girl loves you so much, Callie. I think she was just trying to protect you."

"I know. It's one of her most annoying and endearing habits," Callie cut herself off with a yawn. "Sorry. Are you going to kick her out?"

Bailey pursed her lips in a smile before shaking her head. "I'm just a friend checking in on another friend. You should get some rest too. Sloan's up with Sofia, I think. But somehow I doubt that you're looking to see him today."

"Not today no. Tomorrow, maybe."

Bailey stood to her feet with a groan. "Sleep tight, Torres. Take care of her." Bailey lingered in the doorway for a moment. "Take care of each other. You both deserve it."

"Thanks, Bailey."

"Anytime, Torres."

As Bailey walked away, Callie let herself melt against Arizona, relishing in the familiar warmth and smell of her shampoo. Her eyes drifted closed and she couldn't help but smile a bit at the peace of this moment.

xx

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