I don't own these characters; Disney/ABC does.
4: Overburdened
"Neal, what the hell is this? Why do you have it? How do you have it?" Emma hissed to keep from shouting. How dare he spy her on conversations with Regina? Okay, but was it really a conversation or were you just spewing hatred all over her because of something that wasn't even about her? She walked to her bedroom door and peeped out to see the place was dark, so Henry and Regina were in their rooms, hopefully asleep. Still, she had to be careful of her volume, even though she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs.
"Calm down," he replied.
"But—"
"Just shut up and listen this time!"
She paused, shocked into stopping and then sat down on her bed. She conceded with a sigh. "Okay, fine. I'm listening."
"Good. So, the reason I have that is because I was on the phone with Regina when she came in from her date that night. You took the phone from her and probably thought you hung it up, but you didn't. Or maybe you didn't give a damn if you hung up or not because you're so clearly drunk. I started recording it when I realized that wasn't the first time you talked to her like that and Regina's just taking it. I know you wouldn't want to keep doing that to her, but she's prepared to let you, probably assuming you need to vent and she deserves it somehow," he said.
"She doesn't deserve that! Fuck, why would I say that to her?" She rubbed her forehead. "I don't remember any of it." Which might be a sign that I'm drinking too much. Of course, she knew that to be true. It was just, everything hurt all the time, and drinking eased the pain. Or so she thought. Apparently, it gave her an outlet, a stationary target to pound into the ground with harsh words and emotions that really were not for Regina.
"I don't know why you said any of that, but you need to know you said them and you need to know Regina's just taking it. I don't know what's up between you two, but I'm dead serious about Regina being my sister and I don't want to see her hurt."
Emma growled. "I've been through a lot with Regina, more than you'll ever know, so don't act like I'm a threat to her." Neal might be Regina's brother, but she was… What? What the hell are you and Regina to each other? Beyond the fact that they shared a son, Emma was not sure what she could label them. Were they even friends? She could not be sure.
He made a noise, like he disagreed. "You sure sound like one and because of your relationship with her, you might actually do more damage to her than finding out my dad's her biological father and he basically engineered her to cast that stupid curse with no regards to her humanity at all."
He had a point and there was nothing worse than Neal with a point. Why did she say those things to Regina? Because that's how you feel. Fuck. It was how she felt, but it was not everything she felt. There was so much more. It was so huge, threatening to crush her every moment of every day.
"I have to talk to her," she said.
"Please do."
She took a deep breath. "Thank you for telling me." That was almost painful. He did something right by her. Nah, not you. Regina. At least, she hoped it was for Regina. That would make it easier to deal with it because if he was trying to do right by her, there was an ulterior motive.
"You deserved to know. And I care about you." Well, damn it, he just had to ruin it.
"Nope! Not doing this. Goodnight." She ended the call. She was grateful he told her, but he was still an asshole. Nothing would ever change that. She put up with his presence for Henry and Regina.
With a sigh, she dropped her phone and then squared her shoulders. She had to talk to Regina and straighten things out. But, what would she say? She could not be mad. Regina had already silently carried the weight of a wrath that was not really intended for her. Yes, Emma really felt those things, but she was angry with herself for not measuring up, not at Regina for putting her in any position.
"Guess I could start with that." She climbed to her feet and left the room.
The trip to Regina's room was barely two steps, but it felt like more than two miles with chains attached to her ankles and wrists. Why had Regina let her just blast her like that? Why had Regina not said something? Did Regina know Neal knew? Why would Regina think she deserved that? And why would Regina keep treating her like normal? She would find out as she knocked on the door.
"Yes?" Regina's voice called.
Emma opened the door and poked her head in. "Can we talk?"
Regina was in her queen-sized bed, under a blanket, with several books around her. Her bedroom was worse than the living room when it came to books. Belle would probably make camp there if she ever saw all of the books Regina had. No, don't think about fucking Storybrooke. Fuck that place… except Ruby. She and Ruby texted each other still, but now she was off track.
Shaking her head, Emma refocused on Regina. She held a legal pad in one hand and her glasses on. Emma's breath hitched in her chest. What the hell was that?
"What can I do for you?" Regina asked, knees up and her bare feet visible in the middle of the bed.
For a moment, Emma could only stare. For all of her barking, all she wanted to do right now was curl up next to Regina and hold her as if that would somehow make them both feel better. But, she's not feeling bad since her problem is about to be solved. No, that was not true. Regina had to put up with her, so while the issue with her powers might be nearly resolved, there was this.
"Emma, what do you need?" Regina asked, taking her from thoughts.
Emma rubbed the back of her neck. "I want to talk. You got time?"
"Please." Regina motioned to the bed as she cleared a space. Several books went from the bed to the nightstand.
"You don't have to do it." Emma sat on a corner of the bed, even though there was an armchair by the window. It was not free of books, but she could have moved them herself. Something about this discussion required a touch of physical closeness.
"It's fine. What's troubling you?" Regina put down the legal pad and focused on her completely. She took off her glasses, which was disappointing.
Emma took a deep breath. "How many times have you let me just drunk-scream at you?"
"Excuse me?" Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline. And then she frowned. "What did Neal tell you? The damn traitor. He's lucky I can't turn him into a frog here… although it might not hurt to try."
Emma blew out a breath, puffing out her cheeks. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't be mad at Neal. If anything, you should be mad at me. Regina, I was so horrible to you."
Regina shook her head. "You have every right to be angry with me."
"But, I'm not angry with you! I'm angry with me!" Emma pressed her palms against her chest. Tears already stung her eyes. She was so overloaded with emotion.
Regina licked her lips before she spoke, as if it would help her choose her words carefully. "You have no reason to be angry with yourself and every reason to be upset with me. I ruined your life. I cost you your parents, your home, and your family."
"You're my family!" That was what they were to each other. Family. That was why she could not stand the idea of not having Regina in her life anymore. She had never had this feeling before in regards to family. It was so different from when she used to think she would get adopted, or at least get to stay. This was bigger. She needed this. "I don't want to lose you, but I'm so scared…" Emma's chin trembled and she somehow held in a sob.
"Emma…" Regina pushed everything from her path and crawled down the bed. She took Emma's hand and held it like Emma was worthwhile, like she was something, someone. "You can't lose me. Not after everything we've gone through. We've walked through the fire together, in one case literally. I went along with this plan because I believe in you. Do you hear me? I believe in you."
A lump formed in Emma's throat. Regina believed in her? She never would have guessed in. She could hardly believe it, but Regina would not say it if she did not mean it. See, you're going out of your mind and carrying this weight and you don't need to. She's here for you. She's here with you, even when you're at your worst. Emma did not know what to do with that, but it suddenly became even bigger than her rage. Regina believed in her. Regina wanted her.
"Oh, dear. Have I said the wrong thing?" Regina asked.
Emma shook her head. "No. Why?"
Regina caressed her cheek. "You're crying."
"Oh, man." Emma sniffled and wiped her face with both hands. "I'm a mess." She did not even realize she was crying and now she could not stop.
Regina smiled at her and it was everything. It was like a weight off of her, like the weight of the world was off of her shoulders. "It's fine. We all are and you're my mess. There's no replacing you."
That made Emma cry more. It was like a dam burst in her and she could not stop the flood of tears or emotions. Her sobs echoed off the walls and sounded so loud, but it was good. There was such relief, like hot coals were removed from her stomach and barbed wire was taken from around her lungs. She could breathe easier and stopped feeling sick. She felt physically lighter. Tension she had not even realized dwelled within her was suddenly gone, like an exorcised demon.
"You don't know how much I needed to hear that," Emma said.
"I have an idea," Regina replied.
With another sniffle, Emma wiped her face again. "From my yelling at you?"
"Well, that and my own experience. I've felt replaceable and I've been a replacement. Important people cannot be replaced and you're important to me." Regina gave her hand a squeeze and Emma felt it down to her very soul.
Emma smiled. She should have known. She and Regina were two tools, after all. They knew each other so well. "Why not my parents, though? I mean, I'm barely a parent and I couldn't imagine replacing Henry."
Regina glanced away, eyes tracking over the blanket, as if searching her mind for the right answer. There probably was not one, but it was great she planned to try. She looked at Emma again. "First and foremost, you're a better parent than you give yourself credit for. You've been there for Henry in his toughest times. Maybe some of those ways were irresponsible, but you being there was more than enough because that's what he needed. We both know what it's like to need someone and not have anyone or have someone we can't actually count on. Henry had you and could count on you. That's huge."
Regina had a point. One of the reasons she was ready to cling to Regina was because she could trust Regina. Regina would be there for her, just like she would be there for Regina. People like that were hard to come by.
Emma rubbed her eye with the heel of her hand, feeling like a child, but it was safe to feel that way with Regina. "I'm sorry I've been so crazy lately. I just don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone again."
Regina cupped her face and moved closer, staring deep into her eyes. Emma's stomach twisted into a knot and her heart thumped in her chest. It was not the first time she had that reaction, so she was able to bury it. It was hard to breathe, but honestly, it had been hard to breathe for a long time now.
"You will never be alone. Do you hear me? Never," Regina said with conviction. "Do you understand?"
Emma did the only thing she could do at the sound of Regina's voice. She nodded. "Yes. Understood."
Regina sighed and caressed her cheek with her thumb, wiping away tear tracks. "But, if you really want to show me you understand, maybe stop drinking so much?"
There was another nod. "I'll do my best. And I'll get back on the case with your powers. I've just been so jumbled." She rubbed her forehead, as if trying to order her thoughts. It was more than just in her head, though. Her thoughts, her emotions, everything had just been worn out, destroyed, and out of order. It was like every type of natural disaster centralized inside of her.
Regina stroked her cheek again. It was soothing. "You're allowed, just like you're allowed to blame me and be angry with me over what happened. My curse started your problems. There's no way for me to avoid that and I accept whatever emotions you have toward me because of that. I need you to know, I'm sorry I hurt you."
With a sniff, Emma shook her head. "No, you're not to blame. You have to remember we're both tools. You were made for a certain thing and you did it, just like I was made for a certain thing and I did it. And my parents made their decision. I'm not mad at you, which is why I'm here to help. I believe in you, too." She was not sure when it happened or why it happened, but she was there for Regina. She would do any and everything for Regina and firmly believed that favor would always be returned.
Regina smiled, eyes misty. "I'm glad that's settled." She put her hands down in her lap. "I really am sorry the Curse hurt you so much."
Emma managed a half-smile. "I know. And I know you weren't targeting me personally or anything. Again, we were both specifically made for the things we did. We both had hard lives because of that. But, since things with you have calmed down, life has been a little less hard in some ways."
Regina took a deep breath. "Yes, the same is true for me." She glanced away for a moment. "Have you heard from your parents?"
"No." It did not hurt as much anymore. It was not thanks to the drinking. Parents were always temporary things to her, even the real ones when she expected them to be different. They were just the next set of parents, though. The hurt really stemmed from being abandoned again and again. Being thrown away was never easy. The real scary thing was being thrown away by who she truly considered her family.
"I'm sorry."
Emma waved it off. "Don't be. I'm not even worried about them. I think I've been more freaked out that you and Henry could do the same to me. Throw me away, replace me. I just haven't been able to really make sense of it. It was just a feeling." She put her hand to the center of her chest and pressed a little. She never took a moment to stop and think about it. She just let it fester and rot away inside of her.
"While I understand the mind set, it will never happen. Who would we replace you with, anyway?" Regina's face scrunched up, like she was confused. Apparently, it never crossed her mind who the obvious choice was, even if Emma screamed it at her.
Emma grimaced. "Neal."
Regina laughed. "Not hardly. I love my brother and he tries, but we don't have the history. He hasn't been through the same struggles with Henry. He's just a different source of support, a different piece to our puzzle. He's also a dead man because I told him not to tell you."
That got a chuckle out of Emma. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't kill him. I'm happy he told me. Well, told me and recorded me. I probably wouldn't have believed him without the recording. I didn't know I was drinking that heavily and I'm really nasty. I had no right to say those things to you and I've just been so scared."
"Well, no more of that." Regina patted her hand.
Emma nodded. "Time to do better."
"Don't think like that. Time to breathe and take care of yourself."
"You guys keep saying that, but I thought it was because you were trying to push me away," Emma replied.
"No, we really want you to take care of yourself and be better. We can see you're struggling and hurting and we all just want you to be better, even Neal."
Emma groaned and curled her lip. "Please, don't."
"Do you want me to talk to him? He doesn't have to come around as much. I can see him outside of the apartment. I know how important home is to you, Emma, and this is your home. You should be able to feel at home."
Emma shook her head. "No, it's okay. He's your brother and he's Henry's father and he's good at those things. I wouldn't take that away from either of you. Honestly, he's not even really bothering me beyond the idea that he was gonna replace me."
"Never. It can never happen. So, you can take a moment to get yourself together. It's okay. You can't save someone from drowning if you drown. There's a reason you're supposed to put your air mask on first on an airplane."
Emma could not help laughing. "Have you ever even been on a plane?"
"That's not the point. You have to take care of yourself first. Maybe do a field trip with Henry."
That sounded nice. He had been trying to hang out with her and she was too busy drowning to realize he was trying to hold onto her, not throw her away. "You know what, I think I will. We should have some fun together."
"Good. Meanwhile, I'll destroy Neal." She smirked.
Emma snickered. "Tell him I tried." That was more than she owed Neal, even though he helped her salvage her relationship with Regina. Hell, they might be even. It was enough to make her tolerate him, more than she already did. She still did not want him to touch her or try to contact her cell phone, but she might be able to have a conversation with the guy now.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina and Neal marched down the street on their way to the Metropolitan Museum for their time together. Emma and Henry were off, in search of smaller collectible shops, so he did not always have to drag Neal to Midtown Comics when he wanted something. It was obvious he really just wanted to share the experience with Emma and Emma needed to hear that. This time, she actually listened to what was being said, so they were off on their adventure. Meanwhile, Regina would get her brother some culture, even if it killed her. Not to mention, this counted as research. There should be live examples of the symbol she needed to get a tattoo.
"I can't believe you're actually going to get this tattoo," Neal said as they walked into the museum. They cut quite a pair with her in proper business attire while he had ripped jeans and an ill-fitted t-shirt with flaming skulls on it.
Regina's eyebrow ticked up. "You say that like it's not possible for me to already have one." It was not uncommon in the Enchanted Forest to have tattoos. Yes, it was less likely for a noblewoman to have one, but not impossible.
His jaw dropped. "Do you?"
"Let's both hope you never find out."
He gagged. "Yeah…" He waited a tick and then glanced at her through the corner of his eye. "You tell Emma where this tattoo is or did you show her?"
She pursed her lips. "I'm not quite sure what you're implying here, but speaking of Emma. I told you not to say anything to her."
He snorted and had the nerve to give her a reproachful look. "She deserved to know. She wouldn't want to be talking to you like that."
"She needed to vent or she would've let those emotions fester."
"She shouldn't be saying those things to you, though. She can vent properly and those emotions still festered since that's why she's yelling at you like that in the first place. Besides, it worked out, right? You didn't kick her out and she hasn't decked me, so good work, night?"
She could not help gawking at him. That recklessness was normal for him, she knew that now. She could imagine how things might have been when he and Emma were together. Luck was probably the only reason they were still alive. I'll have to watch them just as closely as they watch me.
"You had no idea things would turn out well when you did that. It could've gone awful," Regina replied.
He shrugged. "But, it didn't."
"How can you be so nonchalant about things? You've seen enough things go wrong in life to know more often than not that's what happens, especially to us. This could've destroyed Emma or both of us." She would not have been able to forgive him had things gone any other way.
"You're right." He pursed her lips. He looked like Henry when Henry did the same thing. "But, I've seen enough of you and Emma to know that wouldn't happen."
Her breath hitched at that and her heart thumped, even before her brain could fully process what he meant. Neal had only experienced them for a few months. Why would he have such faith when Emma was often terrified for them? Of them? Hell, Regina was the same. She often felt like one false move could cost her Emma. Not that Emma is yours. But, this family of theirs definitely existed like a sandcastle on the edge of the beach with incoming waves perilously close every moment. At least in Regina's mind and in Emma's heart.
"What do you mean?" she found herself asking.
"Well, you two are best friends. It's pretty obvious. You guys are tight. You're even raising Henry together and not being all weird about it. How cool is that? So, yeah, best friends. Always there for each other. You know…" He shrugged once more. "Gal pals or whatever." There was a little snicker under the sentence.
Regina was not sure that was exactly right, but she and Emma were "tight." She had to learn to accept, just as she had reassured Emma of it. Of course, she did not think Emma was going to replace her like Emma feared. She just thought one day Emma would leave her behind. She held the same fear Henry had, which was one day this might be too much for Emma and she would run. That was why she let Emma vent. Emma could blow up and it never had to build up into too much.
"Hey, we need to go this way. See if the exhibit has better images than that book you have that's falling apart," Neal said with an amused grin, like it was her fault the book was so old it was a miracle it did not crumble in their hands.
Regina scoffed. "That tattered book's going to be the thing to end this, so show it some respect."
He laughed. "Every book you have looks like it's trying to turn to dust, but you won't let it."
"Well, modern occult books are jokes at best. You read Magic for Vegans."
He groaned. "Don't remind me. That book was worse than garbage. How did someone write that nonsense?"
She shook her head. She did not want to think about it. They focused on the museum. It was nice just to see everything, even as they sought answers to her issues. There was something about being with Neal that was soothing to her. And, it was amusing to watch him get riled up when men approached Regina. Oddly enough, he did not mind when women approached her.
"Is this how it always is for you? I mean, damn. I'd be punching suitors all day back in the Enchanted Forest," Neal said.
"Unfortunately, it wouldn't have gone like that." What would it have been like to have a brother in the Enchanted Forest? Would he have been like her father and just go right along with everything or would he have stood up for her, to her? We'll never know. "This is how I know my powers are still at play." She pointed to a man, who was blatantly checking her out. There were other signs, but she was not ready to share those. Just the thought cased a stone to sink in her stomach. Please, let this work.
"I think you're doing yourself an injustice. I mean, you're okay, or whatever." His face was sour, like it pained him to say that.
She laughed. "You're such a brother."
"That's a huge compliment." He threw his shoulders back and gave her a sidelong glance, which turned into staring. "You know why I told Emma?"
"Beyond she deserved to know?"
"I wanted you two to fix it. This is my first real family since my dad became the Dark One. I almost had something with Wendy and her brothers, but Pan ruined it. I don't want that to happen now, not with my son, my sister, my… Emma."
She almost growled at "my Emma," but held it in. Emma was not his. Not yours either, so calm down and focus on the good things.
"We all feel the same way. We've all felt something similar to you. We all want this family," she replied.
He nodded. "I'm sorry you went through that."
"Don't be. We're here now and that's the important thing. I want us to focus on living up to our potential as a family."
"That's a good goal. I'm in."
"I think we all are."
-8-8-8-8-
Emma and Henry had already found two collectible stores close to Regina's apartment and Henry had a bag full of graphic novels, one in particular was a little disturbing to Emma, called The Sleeper and the Spindle. It was basically a retelling of both Snow White and Sleeping Beauty with Snow White being the hero who pulled Sleeping Beauty out of her curse. She did not want to think about her mother and Sleeping Beauty together. Henry wanted to see how retelling classic stories worked beyond what he read online. He was also trying to get her to get them tickets to Wicked.
"Wicked tickets cost a lot," Emma said. Good ones anyway.
"Mom does have the money to spare," Henry replied as they walked the street, hunting for a place to eat. Little did he know, but she was about to let him experience one of the treats of New York — the halal food cart. Yes, he ate tons of street food with them, but he had not had lamb over rice covered in white sauce and hot sauce yet. The moment she spotted one, they were doing that.
She frowned a little. "Please don't get into the habit of thinking throwing money around fixes everything."
Henry shook his head. "No, I know it doesn't, but money would definitely fix us getting tickets to Wicked. We could all go."
Emma nodded. "I guess." They should do more things all together beyond sitting in the apartment and going through the book pile until a meal was made.
"So, you'll talk to Mom?"
She snorted. "I didn't say all that. This is your idea."
"Yeah, but she's more likely to give in if you're interested," he replied with a grin.
Her eyebrow ticked up. "You think so?"
He nodded. "Yup. She wants to do stuff with you, you know? And be happy. I mean, beyond research and stuff. I think that's why she started dating."
Emma twisted her mouth to the side. "To do stuff with me?"
"No, to do stuff in general. Yeah, she gets to hang out with Dad or whatever, but she wants to get to know people. She has this new outlook on life, like she actually gets a chance to live it or whatever. So, she'd like to do stuff with you and have fun because you couldn't do it before. I dunno. I feel like I'm not making any sense." He scratched his forehead.
"No, no, no. I kinda get it." Emma was more surprised to find out that Regina wanted to spend time with her. She was not sure about the dating connection there, but it could just be a want of adult company.
"Well, this move to New York let's Mom reset who she is. For a big chunk of her life, she didn't form connections with people. Now, she had us and her brother. She likes us, so I think she's trying to connect with other people."
Emma was not following completely. "So, she's going on dates to connect with people?" That much made sense. "Why would wanting to hang out with me affect her dating?"
He shrugged. "I just figured she was doing stuff with dates that she'd do with you."
An image of Regina's wild, sex hair flittered through Emma's mind. She blinked and shook her head to get rid of an image that was already gone. What the hell was that? Probably just a slip of the mind. Henry mentioned dates and that was the only reference she really had for Regina going out on a date. It was nothing.
"I think she's going on dates because, like you said, she wants to make a connection with people. She didn't get to do that in the Enchanted Forest and couldn't do it in Storybrooke. Now's her chance," Emma said, only to keep the conversation going and keep her mind from picturing other inappropriate things about Regina.
"I guess. How do you feel about Mom dating?"
Emma shrugged, even as her stomach twisted and her nerves itched for whatever reason. "She's allowed. How do you feel? You okay with it?"
"I dunno yet. I think I need to know what her endgame is. Is she dating for a partner or just to meet people, you know?"
"I guess." She did not like it much either way, but it was not up to her.
"Maybe you could ask her." He shot her another grin.
Emma laughed. "Why do you want to keep sending me on your suicide missions? You can ask her. It's not like she'll lie to you and it's more your business than mine."
He gave her a sidelong glance like there was something wrong with her. Thankfully, before they could get into that, she spotted a food cart. Time to eat and stop talking before she got more confused. She was trying to work on being better and Henry was just about to send her down a different rabbit hole. She would rather enjoy her time with her son. Regina was right. I needed this.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: Regina gets inked.
