Chapter 20

"Oh my God! Vera?!"

Vera looked to her left at the sound of Greta's voice, relief and a multitude of emotions running through her. She picked Greta and the rest of her friends out among the crowd as she made her way over to them at a faster pace, the desire to feel safer in a group flooding through her body. She sniffled a couple times as she got closer and felt tears prickling her eyes, but did her best to blink them away before they threatened to spill over uncontrollably. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. Not after they had all been fighting and she had run away.

Greta greeted her with an all-encompassing hug, arms wrapped tight around her shoulders and back as she gave her a firm squeeze before pulling back as everyone else caught up to them.

"Guys, I – I'm – I'm so sorry. I –," Vera stumbled over her words of apology. She didn't know where to begin. She couldn't even look at them out of shame and guilt.

"What happened, Vera? Are you okay?" James asked, placing a steadying hand on her shoulder as his eyes looked her over.

"Are you hurt? What happened to your hand?" Greta chose to butt in over her cousin then and reached down for Vera's bandaged hand. Of course, that would have been the first thing she noticed…

Vera had managed to get one of the food venders to give her some sort of scrapped cloth bagging to fashion into a bandage for her palm after she had shown him the blood. She would be lying if she said she wasn't still upset that the fair had no medical station, having been informed by the gentleman who helped her that it was up to the food and game stall workers as well as fairgoers to bring any medical or emergency supplies. No accidents had ever occurred and apparently there was little fear of anything happening, so even the fair workers brought hardly anything with them, aside from perhaps an alcohol wipe or something small in case of a small cut or burn – hardly something enough for the cut spread out across Vera's palm. It was downright stupid in Vera's opinion, but for now she was just glad she had been able to wipe down her hand and at least cover the wound with something. It wasn't meant to be permanent, but it was convenient enough for the time being. If anything, she just hoped it wouldn't become infected.

"It's nothing – just a scratch," she brushed off Greta's worry as she forced herself to look up and to each of her friends' faces. She didn't want to talk about her little scuffle with Jack. Not to say nothing had happened, but right now she was sure her friends' hadn't fared better. Her own response had been cowardly, and the group deserved better from her; Vera was determined to put them before herself for this reason.

"But what about you guys? I was worried with everything going on; are you alright?" She looked to Ana Marie in particular as she said this, and the girl gave her a silent nod as Nick wrapped his arm around her shoulder protectively. Ana Marie looked okay, physically. Vera surmised she was still shaken by the encounter, but otherwise unharmed, thankfully. Greta's hair had seen better days – likely a result of someone having pulled at it – and a small bruise was already starting to become visible at the base of her chin. James and Nick both looked to have taken the most hits, as Vera had feared, dirt smudging both their pants and shirts. Nick's lip was split at the bottom and it seemed as though James was favoring one foot over the other, leading Vera to wonder what exactly had happened after she had run away. If anything, she was sure more bruises and scratches would come to light the following morning. But at the notice of each mark and detail her eyes took note of, Vera felt a pang of guilt. Surely there was something else she could have done other than run away. She knew there was. Running had been the wrong decision. She knew that – had known that. Why? Why had she been so selfish to run?

"We're okay," Nick interrupted her thoughts as he threw a glance towards everyone else as if to make sure they agreed. "A little banged up here and there, but nothing we can't walk off, right mate?" He gave James a nod and a couple firm pats on the back before glancing down at the other boy's foot.

"Yeah, right," James gave an unconvinced mumble to his friend but then looked back at Vera, concern still etched on his face.

Vera could feel all the attention on her, and as much as she craved the comfort that came with that attention, her mind told her her friends needed care as well.

"I'm sorry you guys," Vera felt sick as she apologized again. "I panicked and ran off while you guys were fighting – in part for me, and I shouldn't have. I realize that was stupid, and dumb, and I feel like I just left you guys behind and that's not what I wanted – what I ever want to do. I wasn't thinking and panicked and didn't consider what could have happened afterwards…"

Vera felt like she was spewing out words and rambling now, and internally she was kicking herself for it. There were so many things she wanted and needed to say, but right now she just couldn't seem to get them all out fast or clearly enough. Stupid bitch, her mind chided matter-of-factly and Vera nearly choked on her words.

"Hey, hey," Greta spoke softly and reached out to give Vera's unhurt hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay. I don't think any of us planned on this. We all got a little heated with everything."

"I shouldn't have thrown a punch either," James confessed from Vera's side. "We should've just ignored the bastards and been on our way."

"Yeah, no, I think they all deserved more than that," Greta told him with a stern look. "I know violence isn't the answer, but there's no way in hell I'm just going to stand around quietly while my friends are harassed." She gave pause and looked down at her feet almost timidly for a moment. "We're all a bit to blame there."

Vera gave a small yet pained smile of understanding before quickly wiping at her eyes as a familiar warm sensation prickled at their corners. "Thanks guys. I still don't feel good about… well, anything I've done, if I'm being perfectly honest." She swallowed. "But I won't run away next time. Next time any of you are in trouble, I'll be there for you – even if it means throwing the first punch," she added, trying to display a confidence she just couldn't muster.

There was still a hole of shame at the center of her chest, and no matter what she did or said, Vera felt as if she was continuing to dig away at it. Ever so slowly it got bigger and deeper, and she briefly wondered if it was in fact something she had been working on her entire life – before that night, before Derry, before graduation. Shame of and from what, exactly? Where did it lead, and did it have a bottom?


Vera had lost all track of time since the fight, and the time after spent with her friends seemed just as abstract. Things felt ever so slightly awkward between everyone as they tried to go back to the fair's games, and even Greta's usually encouraging words seemed slightly hollow when attempting to get things back on track.

No one quite felt like having fun anymore, but likewise no one wanted to call attention to this blatant fact, as though doing so would make things even more stilted. The joy of the night was over, snuffed out like a candle in the breeze. No one blamed anyone else; it was no one's fault amongst them.

The last events for the night were the Ferris wheel and fireworks, but even as the first bursts of color shot up into the sky, Vera could still almost see the lingering cloud that had been cast over everyone. The bright sparks reflected in their eyes didn't shine as strongly as they had hoped.

The ride had been designed to fit two people comfortably to a seat, so one pair was going to have to move in a bit closer to fit a third in so no one would be left out. Vera had already resigned herself to be that awkward third person, so she was surprised when James said he would ride alone with Vera. The declaration earned him a short, puzzled look from Greta but otherwise went unchallenged.

The two easily slid into their peeling yellow seat decorated with a jolly-looking cartoon-like clown's head painted on the back, and briefly Vera wondered when the last time the ride had been inspected for safety, given its rather used appearance and the short but grating sound of metal scraping against metal as the seat settled. After a slight lurch the other three squeezed into their own seat with a couple laughs as James and Vera looked on from above, entertained by the sight of them trying to reposition themselves comfortably without Greta sitting halfway onto someone's lap. It probably would have been easier if all the girls had ridden together, she surmised with a small grin.

After a couple more passengers boarded, a light ringing sounded and the ride gave another little jerk before starting its steady rotation, lifting Vera and James up towards the starless sky illuminated by a rainbow of flashes. Vera wondered how many fireworks were set to go off, and for how long, but quickly forgot such thoughts as she let the sounds and view overwhelm her for the moment, engulfing all other thoughts and senses and rendering her mind otherwise blank. This was nice, she thought as the Ferris wheel continued its slow motions as if to throw them all into a blissful trance. How easy it would be to forget everything for but a minute in time and simply exist.