6. Scars, Scribbles and Serpents (Remus)

Remus let out a weak sigh. He stared up at the beautiful stone design the ceiling high above him offered. It was difficult though, since his eyelids seemed determined to stay closed, keeping him in a dark haze. Remus' head throbbed slightly and his whole body was rather stiff. He tried to change his position to lay on the side, but his limbs wouldn't cooperate. His body felt so heavy, and after a few failed attempts, he had to realize moving wasn't an option.

He opened his eyes again.

The part of the Hospital Wing he was lying in was a big, rectangular stone hall. Along the two long walls, which were adorned with high windows, ran two rows of white hospital beds. When Remus managed to turn his head to the side he could see all of the beds on his right were empty.

Remus always ended up in the Hospital Wing after a full moon. Other students might show up in here once a year because they catched a cold or something, but Remus regularly returned. With at least a couple new scratches every time after a transformation, he was in need of Madam Pomfrey's care. She usually patched him up before sending him off to the Gryffindor tower to rest. It didn't seem like that would happen this time, however. To get to the Gryffindor Tower Remus would have to be able to move.

The sound of footsteps made Remus turn his head to the left. Madam Pomfrey's blurry figure of white and red was walking towards him. He blinked up at her as she stopped next to the bed. Without saying anything, she leaned forward and stuck one hand behind his head, rising it a bit above the pillow.

"Here you go," she mumbled, bringing a bottle to Remus' face and emptying its content in his mouth.

A wave of relish came over Remus as the potion allayed the soreness in his limbs, and left him with a soft dizziness. Madam Pomfrey gently lay his head back on the pillow.

"How are you feeling?" she wondered.

Remus tried to speak, but nothing came out. He took a deep, shaky breath.

"Dizzy," he manage to whisper. "I can't move."

"Don't worry about that, dear. That's just the potion," said Madam Pomfrey calmingly.

Remus wanted to tell her he hadn't been able to move before she gave him the potion, but it wouldn't come out. Madam Pomfrey seemed to have started to float away.

"Are you in pain?"

"No," Remus said hoarsely, as his eyes shut themselves again. "Madam Pomfrey?"

"Yes?"

"I can't move."

Remus tried to open his eyes. He couldn't do that either. Somewhere inside him, a burning flicker of panic lit up. "I can't move." He drew a trembling breath.

"I promise you you'll be able to move again," Madam Pomfrey said in a clear voice. "The potions I've given you are temporarily numbing your body. You were badly hurt."

Remus' breathing become somewhat more even again.

Last night started to come back to him. Usually he remembered everything the wolf had seen, but now he only caught blurry glimpses; a burning anger, his claws leaving deep cuts in a wooden wall, a desperate need to get out.

And pain. Memories of a sharp aching tearing him apart suddenly soured through him.

"What time is it?" Remus whispered.

"About nine."

There was quiet for a moment. Had she left?

"Would you like me to give you something to help you sleep?"

"Yes, please," Remus whispered.

The tapping sound of her shoes against the stone floor became distant as she walked away. Remus didn't try to open his eyes. Soon he heard her coming back. Her hands grabbed the back of his head again.

"Open your mouth, dear."

Remus did as he was told. This potion was much thicker than the last one, and Remus had trouble swallowing it. It had a faint taste that reminded him of tar.


"Mr Lupin is sleeping."

All Remus could see was a soft orange colour. It covered his eyes. There was nothing else. Just orange.

"Please, Madam Pomfrey, we just want to see that he is okay."

That was Sirius.

"I can assure you he is okay."

Remus opened his eyes. A streak of sunlight lay across his bed, and shone him in the face. Remus felt numb, but to his relief he was able to move, although still being pretty out of it. Remus steadied himself on his hands and managed to get up in a sitting position.

"Remus!"

Remus turned his head to his right and spotted James, Sirius and Peter standing in the aiel next to Madam Pomfrey. Without waiting for her promotion, they rounded her and walked up to Remus' bed.

"Hi." James' eyes looked concerned as he took Remus in.

"How are you?" Sirius blurted out.

"Tired," Remus breathed, rubbing his forehead.

"There was-" Peter began fantly. "There was so much blood..."

Remus swallowed. Exactly how bad had it been?

He turned to Peter. "I'm okay," he assured him.

At least he felt okay at the moment. He wasn't in any pain, and his body was much lighter now. He also had complete faith in Madam Pomfrey's healing abilities. There was no harm done.

Except…

Automatically, Remus brought a hand to his face and carefully touched it, searching for any new scares. He didn't like to get scars anywhere on his body, but at this point his arms, chest and back were lost causes. One scar more or less wouldn't hurt (well, literally it would obviously hurt). His face, on the other hand, was pretty much untouched, and he really wanted it to stay that way. The logical reason was that he couldn't hide the scars on his face, and they would therefore attract more attention, but his desire to keep a clean face was rather ruled by emotions. He didn't want to be ugly; deformed by his own making.

"Your head's fine." James' expression revealed he didn't consider the rest of Remus' body to have been so lucky.

Madam Pomfrey strolled up next to James, Sirius and Peter.

"You should lay down," she told Remus, shooting the others a disapproving look. "Your friends are leaving anyway."

"I actually feel much better," Remus told her, wishing his friends could stay so that he had someone to talk to.

Madam Pomfrey looked stern. "I'll be the judge of that." She reached out her hand, putting it on Remus' chest, and gently forced him back down in the bed. "You wanted to see how he was," she continued, turned to James, Sirius and Peter. "Now you have. Go and get yourself some lunch."

James, Sirius and Peter gave an irritated murmur, but soon Madam Pomfrey had shooed them away from his bed. Remus followed the pattern on the ceiling with his eyes to entertain himself. The door slammed shut, and soon Madam Pomfrey was back at his bedside.

"Are you hungry?"

Remus shook his head. "No."

"Do you feel okay with talking with me for a bit?"

Remus frowned and shot her a confused look. "Okay."

Madam Pomfrey sat down on a chair next to the bed.

"Everything seemed normal last evening," she started in a calm voice. "But obviously, I was wrong. Your injuries are far more severe than usual. Has it been like that all summer?"

"No."

Now it was Madam Pomfrey's turn to frown. "Can you think of any reason you would have acted different tonight?"

He had been fine all summer -fine by his standards, that was - so why he would suddenly act out in such a manner was beyond Remus.

Last night he had been filled with the desire to bite, to tear. Stronger than usual. It had driven him mad that there was no one to claw at.

Except him, that was.

"No."

"Do you want some water?"

"Yes, please."

Madam Pomfrey grabbed a glass of water standing on the nightstand behind the bed and handed it to Remus. He took a couple of sips. Some of the water must have landed in his windpipe, and Remus got a mild fit of coughing. The glass suddenly disappeared from his hand.

"Now I want you to rest." Madam Pomfrey stood up.

Remus gazed up at the ceiling again.

"Okay."

He didn't feel very sleepy this time, while still being exhausted. It was an annoying combination, since Remus didn't exactly feel like lying still doing nothing for hours. He was tempted to ask Madam Pomfrey to anesthetize him again, but she probably wouldn't want to use a potion when he no longer was in desperate need of one.

Remus wasn't sure how much time had passed. The sun was still shining in through the windows, but it had moved away from his particular bed. Madam Pomfrey had long ago stepped into her office, and Remus hadn't seen her since. His throat was dry. Slowly, he sat up and reached out for the glass on the nightstand, chugging some of it.

There was a sudden shrieking noise, which made Remus jerk and turn his head to find its source. A black owl Remus recognized as his parents' was flying outside the window across the hall. It was holding a white envelope in its claws and repeatedly bumped into the glass to attract attention.

Remus lifted back the covers, turned his legs over the edge of the bed, and let his feet sink down to the cold floor. Standing up, Remus realized he still was far from recovered. His numb boddy throbbed slightly, and his vision was temporarily replaced with flashes of white. Remus stayed still, gripping the bed for support, until he was able to see again. He took a deep breath. At least he wasn't hurting.

Cautiously, Remus made his way across the empty room and opened the window. The owl flew inside and landed on his left shoulder, before dropping the envelope in Remus' palm.

"Thanks, Noctua," Remus whispered, stroking the owl's soft feathers.

The owl hooted softly, before leaving the way it came. Remus closed the window and made his way back to the bed, where he quickly snuck under the covers. Remus opened the envelope and found a letter inside.

It was from his mother. The majority of the letter consisted of light-hearted questions and descriptions of what Hope and Lyall had been up to. The main reason for her to write though, was demonstrated in the very last line.

I hope everything went well last night.

Love,
Hope

They always wrote to Remus the night after the full moon. It was a nice gesture, and usually it made him feel a little better.

I'm sorry, mum. Not this time Remus thought to himself.


Remus slowly made his way down the marble staircase, his left hand sweeping along on the cool stone parapet. It was dinner time, and, except for a couple of latecomers, the Entrance Hall was empty. A loud buzz made its way through the big, open doors which lead to the Great Hall.

It had taken a lot of convincing, but in the end, Madam Pomfrey had agreed to let him eat dinner in the Great Hall. But afterwards he were to head right back to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey didn't need to worry he'd break his word, since his heavy body was already trying to press him to the floor. But he wanted to see his friends.

Remus made his way inside the Great Hall and walked towards the Gryffindor table. James and Peter were facing in his direction, and they both looked surprised when he stopped next to them.

"Remus?" James blurted out.

Sirius immediately turned around in his seat.

"Hi," Remus greeted them in a quiet voice.

Sirius moved a bit to the right on the long bench, and Remus was able to squeeze himself between Sirius and a Gryffindor girl.

"How are you feeling?" James whispered as he leaned in over the table.

"Did you run away from the Hospital Wing?" Sirius smirked.

Remus reached after the ladle in the big cauldron on the table. "Let's say I'm on probation," he said, as he started to serve himself some tomato soup.

Sirius grinned.

"I'm just tired," Remus answered James' question.

Some of their classmates shot Remus curious looks. None of them could hardly escape noticing something was up with him, since he was 'sick' so often. Thankfully, no one paid enough attention to notice the highly odd correlation that occured.

Remus started to eat. The hot soup was the first bit of food he'd had all day.

"And how are you holding up?" Remus asked, after they all had been silent for a while.

Sirius gave an ironic laugh. "Remus, I think that question was directed at the wrong person."

"You were up all night too," Remus remarked. "And you weren't allowed to skip class."

James gave a more genuine laugh. "Peter actually fell asleep in class."

Peter smiled sheepishly as Sirius snorted.

"You don't have to stay with me," Remus seriously reminded them. "It obviously didn't help anyway."

"It's because you need to get out," James whispered intensely, leaning in even closer.

Remus grimaced. "I don't know…"

"Remus," Sirius cut in sharply. "You didn't see yourself. You can't go on like that."

Remus stopped. He tried to search among his dim memories of the past night. Everything seemed to be in a haze.

"Exactly…" Remus began hesitantly. "Exactly how bad was it?"

James and Sirius shared a glance.

"During the last hours you were just laying on the floor, trying to take care of all your wounds," James gravely informed him.

Remus couldn't remember a single full moon where he'd spent even a moment resting.

"Oh."

"Yeah," James said meaningfully.

Remus blinked and looked down at the table. Faint memories of washing his fur rose to the surface of his mind. That was a bad sign. Werewolves weren't the creature to satisfy themselves with a nap the one time a month they were let out.

"So you need to get out of the Shack."

"And how do you know getting me outside would help?"

"It's my theory-"

"Well, great, James. Let's make decisions based off of a hunch," Remus sarcastically exclaimed quietly.

"Remus," James continued. "Since we started taking you outside last year, how many times did you hurt yourself? Like once a night?"

Remus looked at James in silence as he contemplated his argument. It was true he hadn't hurt himself while roaming the Hogwarts grounds. Finding a human to bite hadn't been as important, since there were other things to do. Before James, Sirius and Peter started taking Remus out of the Shrieking Shack Remus had thought a turned werewolf only had one interest at heart, which was to spread its deceice, but that was far from the truth. He truly remembered the rush of excitement and joy when the wolf had been let out of the Shack. Werewolves were more complex than he had imagined, and apparently held other interests than their violent ones.

"And you were trying to get out last night," James added. "It was when you didn't succeed you started going crazy.

Remus averted his gaze again, feeling his pale cheeks blushing.

The fact that they had watched him completely lose control made him feel very exposed. Not that the situation was very glamorous to begin with, but this was more embarrassing than usual.

"But I didn't go outside during my transformations this summer," said Remus. "So why did I act out now?"

"Maybe it wasn't as much about getting out in general as it was specifically getting out to the Hogwarts grounds?" James suggested. "You missed it."

Remus stared at him. James seemed to think along the same lines - considering the wolf to be more than a beast - which was comforting. It made Remus feel like less of a monster.

"Perhaps," Remus mumbled.

"Maybe we could talk to Professor McGonagall about it, if you want someone's permission. Tell her you need more space. Perhaps they could let you out in the forbidden forest?" Sirius suggested.

Remus forced a laugh, as he turned his head up to look at his friends. "And exactly how had you planned to motivate that to Professor McGonagall? You definitely won't be able to use James' arguments on her. That would just be a tiny bit revealing of what we get up to."

"She knows you were worse this time. And even if I skip over the part about how we've been sneaking you out, it's not such a far leap to realise a werewolf needs more than just a small cottage. It's like when a pet-owner keeps their animal in a too small cage."

"Animal cruelty," James filled in.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "You're obviously not meant to be held like that."

"No, I'm meant to kill and spread my disease. But sometimes we don't get what we want," Remus snapped.

"So you prefer to get your chest ripped open?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"I prefer not to hurt anyone."

"Well you are hurting someone," James chimed in.

Remus sighed.

"Look, what Sirius said isn't that dumb-" James began.

"Thank you, Prongs."

"The forbidden forest is big, and no students are let out at night," James continued. "There is no one there you could hurt.

"There are centaurs," Remus unenthusiastically reminded them.

"So?" said Peter.

"What do you mean 'so'?" said Remus disbelievingly.

"Well…" Peter seemed to regret he'd spoken. "They are not human, so maybe you wouldn't mind them in wolf form?"

"They might mind him though," said James thoughtfully. "They wouldn't be very happy with a werewolf running around their territory. And they could hurt Remus."

"That's true," Sirius agreed unhappily.

Remus remembered the soup on his plate, and took a spoonful. it was rather lukewarm by now.

"But we have to find a solution." Sirius prompted. "Remus, otherwise you might kill yourself by accident."

Remus shot Sirius an unsure glance. "Yeah," he mumbled. "I'll think about it."

That was a lie, since Remus had already made up his mind. He didn't want to get hurt, but he couldn't risk biting someone. He could never spread his condition to anyone else. That would mean sentencing them to a life of rejection, isolation, pain and self-loathing. That some witches and wizards would prefer death to lycanthropy said a lot about how awful it was.

Remus suddenly felt extremely tired. He put his spoon down and attempted to stand up. "I think I need to lay down," he explained to three pair of wondering eyes.

Sirius made an attempt to stand up as well, but Remus waved him off.

"I'll be fine."

Sirius didn't look completely convinced, but sank back down in his seat.

"See you later."

"See you later," James, Sirius and Peter echoed.

Remus turned around and made his way through the loud room. The Entrance Hall on the other side of the doors was pleasantly quiet. Remus allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment. His head head had started to throb heavily.

"Lupin!"

Remus opened his eyes and spun around. Snape, seemingly coming from the Great Hall, was walking towards him, flanked by two other Slytherins. Remus quickly scanned the area around him. Except the four of them, the Entrance Hall was completely empty. Snape stopped in front of Remus with a grin.

James and Sirius were not afraid of Snape, on the contrary they enjoyed butting heads with him, but that could not be said for Remus. Knowing Snaped loathed him as much as he did James and Sirius had always made run-ins with him uncomfortable, but this year Snape's hate was on a whole other level, and he wasn't the person who refrained from cursing his opponent. And he had given Remus those weird stares...

"You missed potions today."

It was extremely surreal the hear Snape utter those words. By removing the malicious tone in his voice, it could easily have been mistaken for a friendly exchange.

"I was sick," Remus answered hostiley, on guard.

What would he do if Snape attacked him? He was exhausted, his head aching, his body still mildly numb. If it came to it he wouldn't be able to fight back.

"You seem to get sick rather often," Snape remarked.

Remus froze, his heartbeat picking up.

If Snape knew...

Snape looked pleased, as he took another step forward.

"I guess I have a bad immune system," Remus said eventually.

"I guess you do," Snape smiled.

Remus started at him.

"What do you want, Snape?"

"I want to know what you and your friends are up to." Snape tilted his head slightly to the side.

The tiniest wave of relief gushed over Remus. At least Snape didn't know he was a werewolf. Not yet. But he was trying to find out. It was just a matter of time...

"Well, good luck with that," Remus snapped, and took a step towards the marble staircase.

Snape paraded him and blocked the way. Remus started at him in disbelief.

"What kind of illness did you have?" Snape asked silkily.

Remus missed a beat.

"Fever."

Snape's lips curled into a smile. Remus drew a sharp breath, and unconsciously took a step back.

Suddenly, Snape's eyes turned from triumphantly to baffled, as he stared at Remus' chest. Automatically, Remus looked down. It was hard to miss the red streak of blood which painted the fabric of his light-grey sweater.

"Shit," Remus exclaimed, momentarily forgetting about Snape, as he covered the blood with the palm of his hand.

Remus' head shot up to look at Snape again. Snape's narrowed eyes looked genuinely bewildered as he stared at Remus.

Shit

"I… I need to go," Remus mumbled, unsure why he even excused himself to Snape and his silent crew.

With one hand still pressed against the red fabric, Remus passed Snape, who didn't try to stop him, and ran up the marble staircase. He rushed through several corridors, wanting to put as much distance between himself and Snape as possible, before the world around him started to spin.

Remus stopped and drew a shaky breath. He stumbled towards one of the corridor's walls, and softly collided with it. He sank down on the floor as his knees folded themselves under him. Remus was breathing heavily. He leaned his head back against the cold stone behind and closed his eyes. His heart furiously hammered in his chest. Remus tried to focused on his breathing, hoping the world would stop spinning.

When his heartbeat had found a more stable rhythm, Remus opened his eyes. Thankfully, the corridor was empty. Remus turned his gaze to his blood-soaked sweater. One, or several, of the wounds must have reopened.

The Hospital Wing was so far away.

Remus closed his robes to hide the blood, and attempted to stand up. Another flash of white temporarily shielded the corridor from view. With gritted teeth, Remus then started making his way to the Hospital Wing. This time he walked very slowly.

When he finally got there, Madam Pomfrey was not pleased. She sternly observed his peaky appearance, where he was standing outside in the corridor.

"I want you in bed right away," she told him, stepping aside to let him pass through the doors into the Hospital Wing.

Remus remained standing as Madam Pomfrey closed the doors behind him. When she turned around and found he hadn't moved, she raised her eyebrows.

"Now, Mr Lupin."

Remus didn't exactly know how to break the news to her. She would not be happy. His shaking fingers fumbled with the button on his robes as he tried to work it open. When he did, he let the fabric slide over his shoulders and drop to the floor. Remus gasped when he was meet with a sweater drained in red.

Without saying a word, Madam Pomfrey immediately got to work. She left Remus where he was, as she whirled across the room, soon coming back with a handful of potions and a small wooden box.

"Drink this," she said in a restrained voice, handling him one of the bottles. Remus quickly chugged the liquid down his throat.

Madam Pomfrey coaxed the bloody shirt off of Remus and let it fall to the floor. She removed the blood covering his chest with a neat flick of her wand. Staring down at his clean torso, Remus could easily spot the long, fresh cut that ran across his upper chest. Blood had already started to seep out of it again. That was the only wound that had reopened, but there was at least a dozen more pink scratches embellishing his already ragged chest.

"You need to lie down," Madam Pomfrey informed him, holding up the small box she'd brought with her.

Remus nodded and made his way over to his bed. He knew the boxed contained a mixture of powdered silver and dittany - something that could seal a wound caused by a werewolf. Remus climbed into the bed and lay down on his back. He couldn't help but hiss in pain as Madam Pomfrey sprinkled the powder over his wound. The moment after, it stopped bleeding. Madam Pomfrey flicked her wand again to remove the new blood which had gathered on Remus' skin.

She handed him a second potion. "Drink this."

When Madam Pomfrey was done with him, she turned out the lights with a quick spell. Remus could still distinguish his surroundings in the now dim hall, although most of the furniture weren't more than silhouettes. A faint, cold light lit up the dark sky outside. Remus couldn't see it from here, but assumed it was the moon.

"Is there something else you need, sweetheart?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"No, thank you," Remus breathed out.

"I'll check on you later to see that everything is in order," she said softly. "Now, go to sleep."

"Good night, Madam Pomfrey," Remus mumbled. "Thank you… for everything."

Madam Pomfrey snorted. "You don't have to thank me, child." She paused by his bedside for a moment. "Good night, Mr Lupin."

Remus' eyes followed her dark silhouette as she moved across the room and disappeared into her office. Staying on his back, Remus absentmindedly started fiddling with his fingers. He gazed upwards once again. He could no longer make out the pattern on the ceiling, which was just a pitch black void above him.


Author's note

James Birdsong and jane turnleaf - thanks for your comments! I'm happy you enjoy my story! ^_^