15. The Monster at Hogwarts (Remus)
Remus spent 6 days in the Hospital Wing. He was only aware of 5 of them though, since he stayed unconscious for the first 24 hours. The falling ceiling had hurt him severely. His whole body ached, and his head was torturing him with an intense throbbing. The white linen sheets in the steril hospital bed were ruff against his bruised limbs, making him hiss in pain when the skin rubbed against them. But Madam Pomfrey had assured Remus he would heal completely. Werewolves were strong. If he'd been human he probably wouldn't have survived. What she was more worried about was the hugh deep cuts running along Remus' torso. The wounds kept reopening, bleeding through bangade after bangade. It was Snape's curse. Remus didn't know what spell it had been, but Madam Pomfrey had declared it the work of Dark Magic. Dark Magic was difficult to heal, when done right. Snape must be talented, Remus had thought sardonically.
The afternoon Remus woke up Professor McGonagall came by. Just as Madam Pomfrey had, she told him not to blame himself. Remus had persistently kept his gaze downwards, as he twisted the linen sheet between his fingers. She explained Snape had figured out the truth and followed Remus into the Shrieking Shack. If it hadn't been for James and Sirius, Remus would have killed him. Now he had almost killed James instead. He'd almost killed them all.
Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let Remus see James, and she had put up a privacy screen around James' bed. It felt like a ball out of barbwire had settled itself in Remus' chest. He could all too easily imagine how James looked. His memories of the full moon was crystal clear. He remembered how he had tored at James. How he had tored and tored and tored… Every time he closed his eyes he could see James' mangled body before him. It was a miracle James was even alive.
James, Sirius and Peter never held Remus responsible when he tried to attack them. But this was different. It had never been even close to as bad as this before. Even though Remus hadn't done it by choice, he was terrified they all might be furious with him. He himself couldn't help to feel guilty. Even if it hadn't been him, it had still been him.
It was first after a few days Madam Pomfrey told Remus he could see James. When he snuck past the privacy screen he found James lying on his back in a bed identical to Remus', only his head visible above the covers. The barbed wire made a sudden movement, tearing at Remus' insides, when James' brown eyes found Remus.
"Hi," Remus mumbled.
James smiled weakly. "Hi."
Remus took a few hesitant steps towards the bed. He swallowed.
"Should you really be up?" James asked. "You're bleeding."
Automatically, Remus looked down to find fresh streaks of blood already colouring the newly put on bandage wrapped around his torso.
"Are you okay?"
Remus didn't answer.
"I did send a ceiling on you." James managed a faint smile.
"I'll be fine." Remus sat down on the chair by the bed. "James," he began, addressing his knees. "I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Everyone keeps telling me that," Remus mumbled. He looked up. "If I'd bitten you, would you have been able to forgive me?"
"Yes," James answered, a second too late.
Remus lowered his gaze again, twisting his hands. They both knew that wasn't true. James wasn't mad at Remus now because the damage was minor enough. But there was only so much the human mind could cope with before needing someone to blame. With something as horrible as becoming a werewolf, logical reasoning would have gone out the window.
"It wasn't your fault, Remus."
"Then who's was it?"
"Sirius."
Remus stared at James in surprise. It had been a rhetorical question. "Sirius saved your life."
James looked bothered. "Yes."
"But?"
James shifted his eyes. "But he's also the reason I went down there in human form. How much do you remember from the full moon?"
"Snape was there," was Remus immediate answer. It had been the first thing on his mind when he'd regained consciousness. Snape had seen him. Snape had been in the Shrieking Shack and now he knew the truth.
James hummed.
"McGonagall said he found the tunnel and you and Sirius went down there to save him." Remus eyed James. "But that's not true?"
"Snape didn't find the tunnel on his own. Sirius told him."
"What?"
"Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. He wanted Snape to find you."
"No," Remus protested. Sirius would never do something like that. He would never sell him out to Snape, not to anyone.
"Yes," James insisted. "But he didn't do it to hurt you. At least he didn't mean to hurt you. He was afraid Snape would tell everyone you were a werewolf, so he sent him to the Shack hoping you would kill him."
Remus stared at James, trying to take in what he was saying. Maybe he had been naive, but he had never imagined Sirius would actually hurt Snape. He hated him and bullied him, which was bad enough, but he didn't think he hated him that much. And Sirius knew Remus didn't want to hurt anyone; it was what Remus feared most of all. More than the pain and the hate. More than the constant looming threat of being found out. Sirius knew that.
"That's fucked up."
James laughed softly. "Yeah, you could say that."
"He wanted me to kill him?"
Anger flashed in James' eyes. "Yes."
"How could he do that?" Remus voice broke. Awkwardly, he looked away and cleared his throat.
"He thought he was helping you." James sounded tired, like he'd already gone over it a thousand times.
"How would that even have helped? We would have ended up with a dead body. I can't think of anything worse than that."
"I don't think he really thought it through."
"He was going to make me a murderer. That's not a decision you get to make for someone else!"
"I know," said James. "That's why I ran after Snape."
The barbed wire twisted, and Remus averted his gaze. James had put his life on the line to protect Remus' innocence.
"Thank you," Remus breathed out.
They both became quiet. Remus stared into the faded yellow fabric of the privacy screen without really seeing it.
"He left me to die." James strained voice broke the silence. "Snape, I mean. He could have helped me when you attacked, but he just left. He looked me in the eyes and left. I guess I should have expected that. Sirius had just sent him to his own death after all. But I didn't think he would just-" He made a pause, his eyes staring blankly ahead.
Wow, another one. Why did everyone suddenly want to kill each other?
"I'm sorry," Remus mumbled. " I'm sorry you had to get hurt because of what Sirius and Snape did."
"As far as I know Sirius and Snape has to apologize. Not you."
Remus smiled sadly. "At least Sirius came after you," he said after a while.
"Yes. He stupefied Snape too. Thank God. Otherwise he might have run off to tell all of Slytherin right away."
Remus hummed unenthusiastically. McGonagall had told him Dumbledore had made Snape swear not to tell a living soul what he knew. To Remus, that seemed like a weak protection. Snape's promis wasn't worth much.
That night Remus had much difficulty falling asleep, and it wasn't because of the pain, which had started to fade. His head was buzzing. It wasn't a clear train of thought, though. Half asleep, it resembled a fever dream more than anything else. His mind seemed to have been put on a loop; going over the same things over and over again without ever reaching a conclusion. Sirius had tried to kill Snape. Snape had tried to kill James. Sirius had almost made Remus a murderer. And now Snape knew his most precious secret... The image of James, bloody and scared, begging for help as Remus dragged him across the floor, carried Remus into his nightmares.
Remus was discharged from the Hospital Wing two days later. Back in school, he kept his mouth shut and his head down. Even though he knew it wasn't true, it felt like all his classmates knew what had happened and judged him for it. But people were indeed looking their way. By now everyone was used to Remus whacky presence in class, but it was unusual for James to disappear like that. It was especially noticeable since the first Quidditch match of the season set off that weekend. Madam Pomfrey forbid James from playing, which resulted in a heavy stream of protests, and, when he was sure she was out of earshot, some mild cursing. Remus went up to the Hospital Wing on Saturday, and James and he spent the afternoon playing Wizard's Chess. Afterwards Remus heard Gryffindor had suffered a bitter defeat, which wasn't surprising with them being one chaser short. But everyone took it especially hard since they had been playing against Slytherin.
Remus felt incredibly lonely without James in class. Sirius had tried to speak with Remus when he came back, but when Remus dismissed him he got irritated and snapped that Remus didn't even try to understand, and had from thereon ignored him as well. Instead Sirius indulged in light hearted conversations with Peter. Remus awkwardly followed the two of them around like a shadow, listening as they talked about everything from Quidditch to the pros and cons of having a niffler for a pet. Remus whished Peter would talk to him too, which he didn't. Remus could hardly blame him though, since he couldn't come up with a single thing to say himself.
Sirius had managed to catch one of the rare moments when Peter was in a more talkative mood. Usually Peter never really talked much in public, and didn't always speak that much when the four of them were alone either. He was very shy and it usually took an hour or two of their company to coax him out of his shell. Late nights when the four of them lay awake talking until three in the mourning Peter's boundaries disappeared, and he dived into the conversation as enthusiastically as the others. Sometimes the more that Peter lasted for longer period of times, but other times you were back to square one the next morning. It made Remus sad to think about.
When James came back to school he looked a little pale, but seemed to be fine otherwise. Sirius conversations with Peter came to an abrupt end when Sirius suddenly became very quiet. Neither James or Sirius seemed to make any attempt to speak with each other, but one evening Remus heard the two of them fighting, and the next day Sirius wasn't sitting with them in class.
Remus took two subjects - Potions and Herbology - that Gryffindor and Slytherin students attended together. Snape happened to take both of them as well, and during every lesson they had together Snape kept staring at Remus. It was nothing like how he'd looked at him before. Before, Snape had, with a smug smile luring on his lips, observed Remus as if he was trying to solve a puzzle. Now he was furious. Except putting Remus into a spin of anxiety, he didn't know what to make of it. Snape must be upset that Sirius had tried to have him killed, and perhaps he blamed Remus just as much, since he would have been the one to carry out the sentence. Or did it mean Snape had given up? Was he angry because Professor Dumbledore had silenced him? Otherwise he should have been over the moon, finally sitting with definite proof of Remus' wrongdoing. James and Sirius had lied about what really happened the night of the full moon. As far as Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore knew, James and Sirius had been nothing but heroes. That was, if Snape hadn't told them a different story. But his story would have involved the attempted murder on himself, while James and Sirius had claimed Snape had left James to die. Both parties pushed blame on the other, leaving Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore nonplussed.
There was a flicker of some other emotion in Snape's gaze Remus couldn't interpret. But it scared him. It actually scared him. Not in a way that he was afraid Snape would mock or bully him. It was a look which made Remus fear he might actually be in danger. James had told Remus about the utter tone of disgust in Snape's voice when he'd found out what Remus was. It wasn't hate. Hate was for equals. He was disgusted. Remus had come to the conclusion that Snape did not see him as human anymore. He was a bug to be squished under a boot. Maybe Remus was being paranoid, but there was something almost bestial about Snape; like he had to actively contain himself to not jump on Remus, scratch him bloody and gouge his eyes out with his nails. It was ironic, because that was probably exactly what Snape was thinking about Remus. But Snape never did anything but look, and Remus had a feeling he was biding his time.
Remus and James begun to talk to each other at night, when it turned out neither of them were able to get much sleep.
"I get them too," James had whispered one night. His pupils was hugh, trying to snap up the small amount of light there was in the dark room. "Do you usually get nightmares?"
"No." Remus paused. "Sometimes. But it's worse now."
James made a humming sound. "Do you…" he began, before thinking better of it. "No, nevermind."
"Do I what?" Remus pressed on softly.
"Do you dream about Greyback?"
"Yes." Remus felt himself blushing slightly. "But not just about the attack. He keeps reappearing doing whatever. Attacking me, hunting me... Or sometimes he's just there. He's still out there, James. "
"I know." James tone was sympathetic. "At least I had the luck of being attacked by the nicest werewolf."
Remus grimaced. "You're welcome. I'm still giving you nightmares though."
"I'll get over it."
Remus looked at him sadly "I'm not sure you will."
The two of them stayed quiet for a while. The bed creaked when James turned around to lay on his back. Remus' eyelids began to flutter.
"I don't really know what we're gonna do about Christmas now" said James thoughtfully, eventually breaking the silence.
Remus snorted into the pillow. James parents had invited Remus and Peter and their respective families for Christmas. Sirius hadn't needed an invite since he always spent Christmas with the Potters anyway. But with the current situation that would make for a very awkward evening.
"It's not funny," James insisted, even though there was a hint of a laughter in his voice.
"I don't know. Why don't you keep him in the attic?" Remus suggested.
"I think he would refuse."
"Mmm."
"I can't exactly tell my parents we are fighting either," James sighed.
James parents had no idea Remus was a werewolf.
"You could always make up what you were fighting about. If Sirius doesn't blow your cover."
"You know he wouldn't do that."
"There's a lot of things I thought Sirius wouldn't do."
"I know you're mad at him-"
"I am." Remus turned to look at James.
"So am I," said James. "But I honestly believe he wasn't trying to hurt you. And I don't think you think that either."
The two of them had had that conversation before. Remus understood James standpoint, and for a moment he saw the situation from Sirius perspective. Sirius was lojal, and just like James said, deep down Remus knew Sirius had only been looking out for him. In a way it was admirable that Sirius had been prepared to kill for Remus. But then Remus remembered that was not was Sirius had done, and he got mad all over again. When it came down to it, Remus realised he wasn't mad at Sirius because he believed Sirius had had malicious intent. He was mad at Sirius for the immense damage his good intentions almost cost them. There were a limit to how badly you could fuck up, and somehow, Sirius had exceed it. It was like if someone speeded with their car and accidentally hit a child. Even though they hadn't meant to hurt anyone, they had been irresponsible enough to be to blame.
"No," Remus admitted eventually. "What exactly did you say to him? I heard you two fighting."
"I just told him what I thought."
"And?"
"He thinks we're being unfair."
Remus huffed. "He could at least acknowledge he did something wrong."
"I think he is sorry. But he thinks we could be more understanding."
"Did he say he was sorry?"
"Not really," James confessed. "I think he has trouble admitting it."
"What a gentleman," Remus muttered sarcastically.
A sudden creeking on the other side of the curtains made Remus tense up. Light footsteps disappeared across the room before the door opened and closed. Both James and he stayed quiet, even though it wasn't necessary. The silencing charm James had put around the bed was flawless. Remus lay down again. Someone was probably just going to the bathroom. It felt a little weird that it might have been Sirius. Even though they weren't talking they still shared a room.
"Are we awful people for being more upset about how Sirius was planning to commit murder than the fact that he was trying to commit murder?" said Remus after a moment.
James let out a soft laugh. "Maybe. But I care about you a lot more than Snape. I care about Sirius a lot more than Snape."
"Well thank you." Remus yawned. He sat up. "I should probably go to bed."
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
When the footsteps had reappeared and its owner climbed back into bed, Remus carefully snuck back to his own. As he laid in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, the usual memories came creeping, and it didn't take long before he realized he wasn't sleepy at all.
Except at night, Remus and James didn't talk about what had happened on the full moon. Remus could blame it on the fear of being eavesdropped, but he realized the two of them were both a bit like Peter. Somehow it felt impossible to acknowledge he had caused all of James' injuries, or to talk about Greyback in daylight.
In daylight, James changed behind the closed curtains of his bed, and had picked up Remus' habit of pulling at the end of his sleeves to cover up the scars. Remus wasn't sure if James did it because he felt insecure himself or because we wanted to spear Remus. But every time was a painful reminder of what James' skin looked like beneath the fabric. Remus was also sure James was in more pain then he let on. One morning when they sat down for breakfast in the Great Hall he winced as the end of the table stroked against his waist. When Remus asked if he was okay he brushed it off and went into a enthusiastic discussion about Quidditch.
"If Slytherin loses to Ravenclaw, and we win against Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff… Then we easily got a chance," James was saying.
Remus hummed.
"And your next match is in Mars?" Peter wondered.
"Yeah. "Do you two wanna come to practice sometime?"
Remus smiled. "Sure."
The smattering of flapping wings announced the arriving of the school owls. Remus glanced up to watch birds in every colour sweep over the students. A majestic brown owl flew over their heads, dropping The Daily Prophet onto the middle of the table, missing the bowl of porridge by a hair's breadth. James picked it up and disappeared behind it. Remus took another bite out of his toast. A sudden snap made him turn his head. James cup had fallen to the side, spreading orange juice over the tablecloth. With wide eyes James stared at the yellow liquid soaking the white fabric like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"It's just orange juice," said Remus, picking up the empty cup.
James strange gaze moved to Remus.
Remus frowned. "What?" His gaze drifted to the newspaper. "What's wrong"
"Nothing," James mumbled and quickly returned to the paper.
Remus stared at James, an uneasy feeling twisting his stomach. James eyes were glued to the paper.
"What does it say?"
James shrugged as if it didn't matter.
Why wouldn't he tell him? If there was something about Voldemort he'd have no reason to hide it. There was only one thing…
Puzzled, Peter shot Remus a look. "Did something happen?"
"James," said Remus clearly. "What is it?"
Reluctantly, James met Remus' gaze. "Just…" His eyes flickered. "Remus, don't panic-"
"Give me that," Remus snapped. He leaned over the table and snatched the Daily Prophet out of James' hands. With a beating heart he began to read.
The Monster at Hogwarts
by Rita Skeeter
Those of younger age might not even have heard his name, but two decades ago, Lyall Lupin was a brilliant, well known young man. With a book already published, and his faithful work for the Ministry, Lupin was a trusted authority on the Dark Creatures of the world. The last thing anyone would expect was him hiding a monster in his own home.
Who didn't find it mysterious when Lupin, highly successful, and with a beautiful wife and baby, suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth? Seemingly out of nowhere he quit his job and sold his house. None of his friends or workmates had any idea where he'd gone, and several months later word was had moved into some muggle suburb. Neighbours rarely saw the family outside the house, and before long they had moved again.
Why were they hiding? Maybe Lupin had received threat upon threat, Death Eaters knocking on his door, and fled to save his family? It's widely known He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named used werewolves, dementors, giants and many other monsters in his pursuit of would he not be looking for the expert on Dark Creatures to help him tame them? But no, as it turns out, Lupin was not fighting the good fight. The son, Remus, was, believe it or not, the very reason his father had retracted himself from society. During the years, a couple of people caught sight of young Lupin. Furtive and harrowed, he gave his neighbors an uneasy feeling. If they only had known how the boy disappeared once every month they would have figured out what creature had snuck its way into their lives. Remus Lupin is a werewolf.
The article went on, but Remus couldn't continue. It felt like he was falling; like the moment before you hit the ground, the panic as you rushed through the air, knowing where you were headed and how powerless you were to stop it from happening.
"Remus?" James voice seemed to be far away.
Remus couldn't tear his eyes from the last sentence. Remus Lupin is a werewolf. A werewolf. The paper slipped out of his hand. Suddenly, he became aware of the whispers around him. All along the Gryffindor table people craned their necks to get a good look at him. With a racing heart, Remus dropped his gaze, his thoughts frantic. Deny, deny, deny. It was just a rumour. There was no proof. There was nothing-
"This is ridiculous." James clear voice made Remus jump. James had grabbed The Daily Prophet again, shaking it slightly. "How could she accuse you of something like that?"
Remus eyes shifted to left and right. Now everyone around them were staring. Suddenly all fight went out of him. There was no point. It was too late. Rumours rooted like seeds in people's minds. He shot up from his seat, the force in his movement almost making him lose his footing.
"I need to go," he mumbled.
Remus hurried out of the Great Hall and up the marble staircase. There he stopped, unsure of what to do next. The Hall was deserted. Happy voices drifted from the gigantic doors to the Great Hall. His heart was hammering in his chest.
No, no, no. Please, no. Snape had talked. Of course Dumbledore's threat of expulsion hadn't been enough. And now Remus was done for.
"Remus!"
Remus spun around. James, with Peter right behind, was jogging up the stairs.
"Where are you going?"
Remus sucked in his breath, tears forming in his eyes. "I don't know."
"You can't run; you'll look guilty-"
"I am guilty!" Remus hissed."It's over."
"It's not."
"It is. There's no point in lying to ourselves. Snape talked."
"You just need to act like nothing's wrong."
"If I wasn't a werewolf, don't you think I'd be a little upset?"
"Act as it was a false rumour," James corrected himself.
"I don't think I can-"
"You have to. You're freedom depend on it."
Remus heart made a sudden jolt. It was true, but James sounded so harsh.
"You need to go to Transfiguration. Get it over with," said James, his voice more gentle, as if he'd thought of the same thing.
"Okay. I just- I just need a minute," Remus mumbled.
"Of course."
Remus turned slightly to the side and wiped away his tears the best he could. "Everyone is going to stare at me," he mumbled. "Or confront me about it. I don't know what I should say..."
"Don't say much. Just pretend you're really offend anyone would even consider it to be true."
The three of them went to the Transfiguration classroom in silence. Breakfast wasn't over yet, so there was no one else in the corridor outside the classroom doors. Remus sank down against the wall and James and Peter sat down next to him. Remus eyes caught the rolled up Daily Prophet clutched in James' hand.
"You brought the paper?"
"I didn't finish reading. It could be handy to know what it says, you know."
"I never finished either," Remus murmured. "Could I-" He cleared his throat. "Could I have the paper?"
"Yeah, of course." James handed it to him.
With a beating heart Remus unfolded it and began reading the article all over again. It was even harder to get through the second time. When he reached the part he hadn't read yet he had to stop for a second before he dared to go on.
The accusation might sound ridiculous to some. But there are tons of evidence to convince even the most sceptical. Classmates to Remus Lupin at Hogwarts report on his monthly disappearances. 'He has scars all over his face,' a student, who prefers to be left anonymous, explained to me. 'I'm scared he might hurt us.' Another student revealed how Lupin recently attacked both him and another boy, almost killing them both.
All of you must be wondering how Remus Lupin came to be a werewolf. Surely his dad had more sense than to let a four year old near one? Of course he did. The fact is that the attack on young Lupin wasn't an accident, but a deliberate thought out revenge planned by none other than the infamous werewolf Fenrir Greyback.
Greyback is known for infecting and kidnapping young children. His goal is to create his own army of werewolves, all programmed to hate wizards and witches. Remus Lupin wasn't one of his normal victims though. At the time Lyall Lupin worked at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Greyback was brought in for questioning about two dead Muggle children. Greyback managed to fool Lupin's colleagues he was nothing more than a Muggle himself, but Lupin recognised him for what he really was. When his colleagues refused to listen Lupin lost his temper, referring to werewolves as 'soulless' and 'evil', saying they 'deserved nothing but death'. Lupin's colleagues only laughed it off, and soon after, Greyback was released. Greyback did not forget what Lupin had said about him and his kind, and decided to to strike back hard. Young Remus Lupin had not yet turned five when Greyback, on a full moon, snuck into the boy's room and bit him.
It's a tragic story, the loss of an innocent child. But we have to remember Remus Lupin in no longer a child, but a full grown werewolf who have been breaking the law for years and years. He has put everyone's sons and daughters in danger, and has already hurt at least two students severely. All we can do is hope that they will recover, and bring Remus Lupin to justice.
"Remus?"
The voice was distant.
"Remus?"
Remus become aware of a blurry buzzing of people talking. He looked up. James was standing over him. Behind him their classmates were flooding into the open classroom doors.
James frowned "Are you coming?"
Clumsily, Remus managed to stand up.
"I-" he began. People were staring at him as the last of them made their way inside. Lily Evans was standing by the door. Remus heart jerked when he met her eyes. She knows. He could see it on her face. He had defended werewolves in front of her, and now she had read Rita Skeeter's article and put two and two together. She averted her gaze.
"I need to go." Without hesitation Remus pushed past James and hurried out of the corridor. He could hear James call after him.
He didn't know where he was going. As long as he just got away. Got away from James, got away from Peter, got away from his staring classmates . He gripped the newspaper harder as he turned yet another corner deeper into the castle.
Lyall had always told him that Greyback had bitten Remus and tried to kidnap him to make him one of his soldiers, just as he did with other children. But if Rita Skeeter was right... No, of course she wasn't. Why would he trust a journalist over his father? Rita Skeeter didn't hesitate to twist the truth to get a better story out of it. Her biography on the former Headmaster of Hogwarts Armando Dippet had been exaggerated to create drama. She was a liar.
But she was telling the truth about you.
Remus tried to push out the unwelcome thought. That was because she needed some truth to her stories. Otherwise everyone would brush them off as nonsense. Then she could spice them up with a bunch of twisted lies. That was what Dipper's biography had proven; lies based on a truth. How could she even have known what went on in that courtroom? How could anyone-
Remus made a sudden halt and spun around. He knew where he had to go. His steps quickened as he hurried back through the corridor.
Remus swept his finger along the line of thick binders, mumbling the dates under his breath. If the hearing, which might not even have existed, had taken place soon before his fifth birthday it must have been in January or February 1965, or perhaps in December the year before. Remus stopped with his finger placed at the bottom of a binder labeled Dep. RCMC, hearings 1963 - 1966. With shaky fingers he pulled it of its shelf and carried it with him to the table, where he'd already dumped a heap of other books.
The record part of the school library was filled with shelf after shelf with books and binders concerning laws, legal disputes, and any kind of record one could think of. Remus didn't think they all ought to fit, but somehow they did. He had found the laws drafted by The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and various records of cases and trials they had carried out, but it hadn't given him any insight. A huge black book lay on the table next to him. A deformed human, its spine twisted unnaturally, stared up from the cover with a wolfish face. Fenrir Greyback - A Child's Nightmare it said with big cursive letters. Remus felt sick every time he looked at it and hadn't been able to bring himself to open it.
Remus knew he was being careless. Not less than two hours after Rita Skeeter published an article claiming he was a werewolf he was sitting in the library surrounded by books covering the subject. But he didn't care. He had not know.
Please tell me my father didn't do this.
Remus began to flip through the binder he'd brought to the table, starting with the hearings in December of 1964. When he didn't find anything like what Rita Skeeter had described he moved on to January of 1965. Remus didn't felt the slightest reasused that he hadn't found anything yet. The only thing to calm him would be a definite proof his father was innocent, which he wouldn't be able to find. There would either be proof of the opposite, or just nothing at all. There was nothing in January or February either. Remus paused. His birthday was the 10th of March, so it was possible the hearing had been earlier that month. Or perhaps Skeeter had got the date wrong and the documentation could be in any of the other binders. Remus made a sudden stop when he caught the word 'Greyback' on a page. His heart jolted and he backed up, reading from the beginning of the page. It was just as Skeeter had described it in her article; Greyback had pretended to be a muggle when he was brought in for questioning. But that was it. There was no mentioning of Lyall or any insults thrown Greybacks way. Lies based on a truth, Remus thought, trying to reassure himself.
Then his heart stopped, as he laid eyes on the end of the page.
Minister Officials attendant:
Ivory Silver
Megan Whistle
Ulla Smith
Lyall Lupin
His father had been there.
Remus steps echoed in the empty corridor. It was pitch dark outside by now. The windows along the left wall didn't look like windows at all; there was no depths to the blackness on the other side. Remus couldn't spot the grounds or a single star in the sky. It gave the impression that someone had gone along the corridor before him, replacing the glass with black cardboard.
A perfect end to a perfect day.
After putting all the books back Remus had fled the library and headed outside. It had been freezing. He'd walked along the edge of the forest for hours. Sometime in the afternoon the first snowflakes of the year had begun to swirl down from the darkening sky. It had covered the ground with a thin layer of white. Remus hair was still damp, and ice crystals glittered on his coat when he moved. It was way after curfew. Hopefully James, Sirius and Peter would be asleep, but Remus doubted it. They had probably read the whole article themselves by now and wanted to comfort him. Remus squirmed at the thought. He didn't want to talk about it.
My father might hate me. My father might be the reason I'm a werewolf; the reason I've suffered all my life… The thought had haunted him the whole day. Like a broken record, he kept repeating it over and over. If Remus couldn't even get his own father to love him, what was the point?
He turned down another corridor.
But deep down Remus was terrified of what would happen next. What if he was expelled? He would never be allowed to use magic again. What if they put him in Azkaban? James had told him he needed to act natural to avoid suspicion. Instead he had run away and disappeared for the whole day. Nothing said 'guilty' like that.
All his life Remus had always been on his guard, never fully relaxed. He needed to pay attention to the cycle of the moon, and always make sure his scars were covered. Outside the small circle of people who knew the truth, he always had to think about what he was saying. Every word out of his mouth was thought through at least for a moment beforehand to make sure he didn't slip up. It wasn't a conscious choice, but he'd been acting like that for so long it felt like second nature to him. But all of that had been in vain, and he felt strangely empty.
When Remus reached the Gryffindor Tower it was dark and empty. In the fireplace an orange glow shone out between charred logs. Remus slowly made his way up the spiral staircase. When he open the door to the dormitory three pair of eyes immediately stared up at him. Remus felt himself blush. He had made quite a scene by storming off and disappearing for the whole day. Without uttering a word, Remus went over to his bed. He threw his school bag on top of his trunk before reaching under his pillow for his pyjamas.
"Remus?" Sirius voice was cautious.
Remus ignored him.
"Remus?"
Remus hesitated with his pyjamas in his hand, his back still turned. He didn't feel like changing and showing off his scars in front of his friends since the subject was more sensitive than ever.
Since James looks exactly like me.
"Remus?" Sirius repeated for a third time. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the newspaper."
"Are you?"
"Yes," said Sirius clearly. An irritated tone had snuck into his voice.
Remus turned around. "All of this is your fault."
"My fault?" Sirius snapped. "This is exactly what I tried to stop from happening."
"Yeah, right. I forgot; By making me a murderer," said Remus cooly. "You knew I don't want to hurt anyone. But you went ahead and did it anyway. You used me."
"I didn't have a choice."
"Except not to tell him how to get by the Whomping Willow!"
"I couldn't let him just walk away. He would have talked!"
"He had no proof!"
"So?" said Sirius. "He doesn't need any proof. Sure, he knows for sure you are a werewolf, but no one else saw you, did they? Skeeter wrote that article in The Prophet without offering anyone the proof Snivellus got. She doesn't need to. Actual proof doesn't make a difference. Snivellus would have leaked the information even if he hadn't seen you."
"You don't know that," said Remus. "Okay, you're right that he doesn't need proof to spread a rumour, but he probably wanted to be sure first. And you helped him with that."
"Why would he need to be sure? He hates us. He wouldn't care if you were smeared."
"He obviously cared since he went looking for proof."
"All I'm saying is that if he was dead you would be safe."
"Then you should have killed him yourself!" Remus was taken aback by his own scream. James, Sirius and Peter all stared at him in surprise. Remus looked away.
"You're right," said Sirius, breaking the silence. "I should have."
Sirius pale face was hard-set. A dark curl had fallen into his eyes, and he brushed it away with his hand. Remus stared at him. He had assumed Sirius decision to kill Snape had been in the heat of the moment, and that he would never have come to the same conclusion under any other circumstances. Was there still a chance Sirius was prepared to kill Snape?
"Look," Sirius continued. I didn't mean to make you do the dirt work for me. I was panicking. It was the only thing I could think of."
"James almost died because of you. I almost killed him. I could have bitten him. Do you understand that? He could be a werewolf right now. If you've paid any attention in the last five years you should know that fucks you up pretty good. And I would never have been able to forgive myself."
"I never meant to hurt either of you. If James hadn't gone down there-"
"But I did," James cut in calmly. "I had to. Because of you."
"I didn't want this to happen!"
"That's not good enough!" Remus exclaimed. "You've caused so much damage. My life is over, do you realise that? They're going to expel me. They're going to send me to Azkaban." Remus felt the panic come creeping.
"It's gonna be fine, Remus," James assured him.
Sirius didn't say anything.
"What exactly is going on with you, Sirius?" James asked. "Suddenly you're prepared to kill someone. Actually kill someone. You disappear for hours on end with Regulus…"
"What has that got to do with anything?" Sirius snapped.
"What do you two do together?" James pressed on "What happened on Halloween?"
"Why don't you mind your own business?"
"Why is it a secret?"
"It's not a secret. We just hang out."
"Until a couple of months back you hated him."
"I didn't hate him."
"You didn't like him. And now you like him so much you ditch us all the time. Why is that? Are you two planning to kill someone else? A muggle-born perhaps? Do you wanna make mommy and daddy proud?"
"You know what; fuck you, James."
Remus, James, Sirius and Peter were glued to their places, staring at each other. A compact silence spread out. It was so thick Remus felt like it would suffocate him. His world had begun to tumble down and smash into pieces on the floor. Everything was so wrong, and it felt like there was no coming back from it. Eventually James turned around and disappeared behind his red curtains, breaking the curse. Remus, Sirius, and Peter threw a last awkward look at each other before following James' lead.
