Author's note
Better late than never.
18. Back at Hogwarts (Sirius)
Curled up on the window sill in the living room, Sirius looked out the window at the pitch black sky outside. There was not a single star. He had thought they would have been easier to spot outside of London, but apparently he had been wrong. It was so much darker here. The only source of light came from a lonely street lamp outside the driveway up to the house. It was still snowing heavily, as it had been hours ago when he, James, and Mr and Mrs Potter went to bed, and the fluffy snowflakes in the ray of light seemed to belong to a Christmas Card.
Sirius looked down, weighing his new wand in his hands; the wand Mr and Mrs Potter had paid for when they went to Diagon Alley. He still wasn't used to it, and he found himself having to double check every time he picked it up to make sure he hadn't taken someone else's. It was heavy, heavier than any wand he'd ever held before. Reed. A core of Dragon heartstring. 12 inches long with a twisted handle.
He didn't let it out of sight. Maybe it was redundant, since the Potter's house - just like everyone else's these days - was heavily protected by magic, but it felt stupid not to. If anyone's parents were to break into another family's home, it would be his.
Whatever Sirius' parents felt by now, it was beyond hate. He was sure of it. In their eyes, he had committed his most severe crime yet, and then, when they thought they had him overpowered, he escaped. And then Mr and Mrs Potter forced him to go to the Ministry and file a report with the Patrol… Sirius' parents must be beside themselves. Itching to tourture him again.
The thought made Sirius' stomach turn. That couldn't happen again. That could never happen again. He would rather be dead. He wasn't sure how he'd been able to live through it the first time.
Sirius looked out the window again, but the driveway was empty. Of course it was.
Maybe he was just being paranoid.
Sirius curled up tighter; hugging his legs and resting his chin against his knees.
He didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. Tomorrow it was New Year's Eve, and then there were only days left of the holidays. He didn't want to go back to his classmates and classes and homework and pretend like nothing was wrong. He didn't want to run into Regulus. He didn't want to think about Remus, who probably wouldn't even return.
Neither Sirius nor James had heard anything from Remus since the day he told them about the hearing. James had written to him several times but he had never responded. Both Remus and his father were all over the Daily Prophet. Now everyone knew the truth, and every day there were furious articles and sent-in letters condemning Remus and Mr Lupin and Dumbledore and the whole goddamn school. Mr Lupin had been sent to Azkaban. People wanted Remus expelled or imprisoned or killed.
And Sirius had told Remus to get over himself.
Sirius just wanted to stay here, in his new home. Because this was where he lived now. He had always spent a lot of time at James' - in the last years more time than he'd spent in his actual home - but now it was official. Not official to the world or to the Ministry of Magic, but to him. To the Potters. That Sirius could live here from now on hadn't even been a question; they had just welcomed him with open arms, telling him he never had to go back to his parents. Mrs Potter had said Sirius was like a son to her.
Sirius stayed on the window sill until he barely could keep his eyes open. Then he clumsily slid off of it, sneaked back into the old guest room that now was his and crawled into bed. It took hours before he fell asleep.
The New Year only came with more bad news. On the night of the first of January seven muggle borns along with their families were murdered in their beds, and in the morning the Dark Mark was hanging over all their houses. The Potters kept on the radio in the kitchen all day, and the massacre was about the only thing talked about on the station. 23 people were dead, both adults and children. Even a one year old little girl. Some of them went to Hogwarts, and Sirius recognises several of their names.
Two days later the former Head of Department of Magical Law Enforcement Harriet Vance - who had been missing since October - turned up dead.
Sirius felt a bit like he couldn't breathe, and he paced around in the Potter's house, no longer waiting for his parents to come and get him, but the Death Eaters.
On the day they were going back to Hogwarts, King's Cross Station was full of Ministry Officials watching over the students as they boarded the train. The train wasn't as packed as it had been in December, and Sirius, James and Peter could quite easily find an empty compartment. Worried parents were probably keeping their children at home. If it was because of the massacre or Remus, Sirius didn't know.
The first thirty minutes or so of the train ride back to Hogwarts, Peter kept talking to James (since Sirius out ignored him) about everything that had happened. He wondered how safe they really were at school, what the Ministry would do now, and where Remus was, like Sirius and James had the answers. Eventually Sirius had had enough and screamed at him to shut up. After that Peter didn't say another word.
More Ministry Officials waited for them when they stepped off the train at Hogsmeade Station. Dumdelore's welcome speech was even more grave than it had been at the beginning of the school year, and he read all the names of the students who had died and asked for a moment of silence. Sirius could hear sobs scattered in the Great Hall.
"I beg of you to remember that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness," said Dumbledore. "Muggleborn or not. Human or not." He made a pause. "Sometimes we can be afraid of things we do not know, but that doesn't mean that they are dangerous. Sometimes the things we fear are more afraid of us, and all we need to do is to show them they don't have to be."
Sirius looked down at the table as Dumbledore spoke, angrily brushing away the tears in the corner of his eyes. He didn't even know why he was crying. Everything just felt so hopeless.
The last part of Dumbledore's speech must have been about Remus, and even though Sirius knew it was directed to all those children whose parents had demanded Remus' execution, it felt as if Dumbledore was speaking to him. He and James had abandoned Remus when he needed them the most. How could they expect a stranger to offer him kindness when not even his friends could?
No one else seemed to have assimilated Dumbleodre's message though, since the very next day, Sirius and Jamse's classamtes came up to them to tell them how sorry they were.
"You must feel so betrayed." Naomi said. "I can't believe the school knew about it. That's just so…"
"Disgusting," Alfie filled in.
"Yeah."
"That's why he disappeares all the time!" said Roy and got some encouraging nods from the others.
"And he has all those scars..."
"It's so weird, he seemed so nice."
"You know, I always had a feeling."
"I never liked him anyway."
Sirius felt like he was being suffocated. "God, shut up!" he shouted, and everyone stopped dead. "I don't fucking care. Are your lives really that boring that you have nothing better to do? Just leave me alone."
"I get that you're upset but we're on your side," said Naomi, sounding hurt.
"What side?" Sirius snapped, and without waiting for a response he pushed through the crowd and walked away. He didn't go to their next lesson, or the two after that, and instead walked around the castle aimlessly. When he met James in the afternoon James told him that he had explained to their classmates that they had known Remus was a werewolf all along.
"And what did they say?" Sirius wanted to know.
"At first they didn't get it," said James. "Like, I had to say it more than once. I don't think they wanted to get it. Then they asked about a thousand questions about it."
"They asked questions?" said Sirius contemptuously. "Didn't it bother them?"
"Yeah, it did. They were pretty upset."
Upset was an understatement. Under the next few days Sirius and James were showered with intrusive questions about Remus. How long had they known? Why hadn't they said anything? How could they be okay with it? In the beginning James answered their questions and tried to argue with them, but nothing he said seemed to change their minds, and Sirius could see him getting more and more frustrated. Eventually James gave them a piece of his mind, and the string of curse words landed him two nights of detention.
After that no one spoke to Sirius, James or Peter again. They all just stared, except for Lily Evans. She, on the contrary, never looked their way, and Sirius got the feeling she was avoiding James.
Sirius got behind in his schoolwork. It felt as if everything the professors said went in through one of his ears and out through the other, and he didn't master any of the spells they were working with. Some evenings he did sit down with his textbooks, trying to catch up, but he always gave up after rereading the same five paragraphs over and over. Sirius and James had always been the best students in class, but now Sirius had to watch as James exceeded him in everything.
At first James tried to encourage him or force him to study, but after a while he seemed to give up, and Sirius could feel James getting more and more annoyed with him. Sirius couldn't exactly blame him; he knew he was bad company. He was irritable and distant, and he tried to stop it, tried to be less snappy and annoying, but it didn't seem to matter. James rarely talked to him, and often they just sat together in silence while James studied. He began to practice Quidditch every day, even when it was snowing like crazy, and Sirius was sure it had more to do with avoiding him than anything else.
James regretted picking Sirius over Remus, Sirius became sure of it. When Sirius had told James the truth of what happened at Grimmauldplace their fight had immediately been forgotten, but now everything seemed to be resurfacing. It hurt to think about; Sirius fucking needed James. He couldn't do this on his own. But neither could Remus. If anyone needed someone by their side it was him, not Sirius. Sirius didn't deserve anyone; this was all his fault.
Sirius had no way of undoing what he had done. It was too late. He had basically murdered one of his best friends, just like he had tried to murder Snape. The realisation hit Sirius like a punch in the gut, and it made him feel sick. He didn't know what to do. It felt like he was dragging himself through each day. His insomnia got worse, and he fell even farther behind in class. He, James and Peter sat together during lessons and at lunch, but none of them talked much.
Sometimes Sirius saw Regulus - in the Great Hall or passing him in a corridor - and every time his insides twisted. He had never seen Regulus as a threat, and he still didn't, but now it felt like Regulus had some kind of power over him. Regulus had witnessed Sirius crying and begging for forgiveness on the floor in front of their parents. Sirius cringed when he thought about it. It felt so degrading. He could still hear Regulus mocking him inside his head.
One day in the middle of February, Lily Evans suddenly came up to Sirius, James and Peter as they were studying in the common room.
"Hi," she said a little breathlessly, and without waiting for a resspons she turned to James. "Can I talk to you?"
James eyebrows shot up, but other than that he barely moved a muscle. "Okay," he said, and the two of them disappeared out the portrait hole.
Sirius felt strangely jealous.
"What do you think she wanted?" Peter asked.
"I don't know," Sirius snapped.
James and Lily didn't come back, and eventually Sirius decided to head to Potions without them. He was early, and the area outside the classroom was empty. Sirius sat down on the floor by the wall and watched as the area slowly filled with Gryffindor and Slytherin students. Some of them started at him, and Sirius stared back until they had the decency to look away.
James and Lily arrived together. Lily headed over to her friends and as soon as James spotted Sirius he walked up to him and sank down on his feet.
"Where were you?" Sirius hissed.
"Sirius," said James so quietly Sirius almost couldn't hear him. "I talked to Lily. Remus is-"
"Well, look at this," said a silky voice next to Sirius, and James went dead quiet. Sirius shot up his head and stared right at Snape's black figure towering over them. "The werewolf pack."
"Just fuck off, Snivelius."
Snape leaned down. "I know your werewolf is still at Hogwarts," he said in a low voice.
Sirius gave an ironic laugh . "Okay, whatever you say."
"Don't try to deny it!"
"God, you're paranoid."
"I. Saw. It."
"It?"
Snape stared past Sirius. "But you already know that, don't you, Potter?"
Sirius turned to look at James. James clenched his jaw, staring back at Snape, but he didn't say anything, didn't deny it.
"I thought so," said Snape, and Sirius could hear the smile in his voice. Then he suddenly sounded furois. "I can't believe it. It's a werewolf. How dare you betray your own kind like this? You blood traitors."
Sirius shot up on his feet, taking a faster grip of his new wand. "Why don't you shut up?" he said clearly but quietly. "And walk away."
Snape forced his lips into a smile. "It's a shame, Black. Really," he said. "You would have made a good Death Eater."
Sirius stared into Snape's black eyes. He felt something heated in his stomach, and the sensation traveled up his throat and spread over his cheeks. When he raised his wand Snape was prepared; mimicking his movements. They stayed frozen for a moment, sizing each other up, and then curses began to fly across the room. A collective cry went through the crowd and people scrambled to the walls.
Sirius didn't care that he was causing a scene. He didn't care. It was as if all feelings he had been trying to keep inside burst out at the same time. His anger and frustration and humiliation. He tried to get past Snape's defences but it was difficult, and he had to focus on protecting himself from Snape's curses.
"Sectumsempra!" Snape hissed, sending a streak of light that just missed Sirius' face.
"Sectumsempra!" Sirius called back. Snape tried to dodge it, but he wasn't fast enough, and his own curse hit him in the stomach. He stumbled backwards, and Sirius took the opportunity to hit him again. This time a cut slashed open across his face, and deep red blood immediately poured down over his cheeks and onto the floor. From somewhere, Sirius heard a girl shriek.
With the back of his hand, Snape roughly swept away as much blood as he could. "Did I hit a nerve, Black?" he said.
Sirius didn't say anything. Snape's wound didn't stop bleeding, and it seemed to distract him. With a new flick of his wand, Sirius managed to hit Snape again, and with a cry of pain Snape fell to the floor. Sirius walked closer, staring down at him. Snape stared back at him with pure hate in his eyes. Snape might hate Sirius because he had tried to kill him, but Snape had left James to die even though James risked everything to save him. He had ruined Remus' entire life.
The Cruciatus Curse, something whispered inside of him. He would deserve it.
Sirius stood frozen, terrified at his own thought. His heartbeat had picked up.
"Sirius!" James' voice was right next to Sirius' ear, and he felt something tugging at his arm. Sirius stumbled a step backwards. He suddenly became aware of people mumbling around him. Snape was still on the floor.
Sirius spun around and ran out the dungeons. He could hear James following him and he didn't stop until he was far up the castle. There, in an empty corridor, he eventually stopped.
"What was that?!" said James.
"What?!"
"You went too far!"
"I went too far? Too far for what? For Severus Snape? He deserved it!"
"Isn't that what you said when you tried to have him killed?"
It felt like a low blow, but Sirius knew he deserved it. James looked a little shaken up, as he had trouble believing what had just happened. It made Sirius feel worse. He looked away. Snape words still rang in his ears. You would have made a good Death Eater. He was right. Snape was right. Sirius had already proved himself capable of murder and torture at the age of 16. And James knew it. That's why he never spoke to him anymore.
"You wish that you never had helped me, don't you?" Sirius said in a low voice.
"Helped you with what?" James snapped.
"At Christmas."
"ARE YOU INSANE?!" James' sudden scream made Sirius jump. "DO YOU THINK I WOULDN'T WANT TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR FUCKING PARENTS WHO FUCKING TORUTURED YOU?! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?! I'm just…" He drew his breath. "I'm going crazy over here! I don't know what to do, okay?! You want to kill anything that moves, and Remus is off God knows where, and… And I just don't know what to do okay?! He's all alone and he fucking hates us, Sirius."
Sirius didn't know what to say. "I know I fucked up-"
"Yes, you fucked up!" James screamed back. "You should never have told Snape about the Whomping Willow"
"I know!"
"IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU KNOW!"
"I KNOW!"
Sirius and James stared at each other, trying to catch their breaths. Eventually Sirius looked away. "I know, I know," he mumbled, sinking down on the window sill. "Don't you think I fucking know that?"
"Do you?"
"Yes!"
"That's not exactly the impression I've got. You never apologised, when Remus came over you were really hard on him-"
"Well, excuse me for not being super nice when I was just tortured!" Sirius snapped. "I didn't even know anything about any hearing then!" Sirius made a pause. "I know I didn't… I know I did the wrong thing. I tried to help but I just made it worse. I know that now." He stared down at his hands. "I ruined his life."
James didn't say anything, didn't argue against it. Sirius felt his insides twist.
"I'm going to end up as my family," he said into the silence.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm not a good person, James. I'm just like them."
"No, you're not."
"You don't even know what I was going to-" Sirius couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. "Maybe I can't escape it, it's in my genes. In my blood. In my pure fucking blood. What if I become a Death Eater?"
"Do you want to become a Death Eater?" said James irritatedly.
"No!"
"There you go."
"I wanted to use the Cruciatus Curse," Sirius whispered. "On Snape." James didn't respond. It was dead quiet. "I tried to kill him and I wanted to tortured him. He'll be lucky to live through the year." Sirius laughed bitterly. "How does that make me any different from my parents?"
"You wanted to torture him?"
"I thought about it."
Sirius wasn't sure, but it sounded like James sighed. After a moment he sank down next to Sirius on the window sill. "I think," James said, looking straight ahead at the window opposite them. "The fact that you tried to have someone killed, that does say something about you. But… I don't think that makes you a bad person. Some people don't deserve to live. Like You-Know-Who, and many of his followers. If they died the world would be a better place. I know Dumbledore said that everyone deserves kindness, but he didn't mean everyone. Everyone deserves kindness until they prove you otherwise.
"I'm not saying that Snape deserves to die, but if I had to choose between Remus and him, or you and him, I would pick you in a heartbeat… "But you… You made some really bad decisions, Sirius. Remus isn't mad at you because you tried to kill Snape, he's mad because it's because of you he was found out. And if he hadn't been found out he would have been a murdurer. That was the two options you gave him. And I could have died. Or have become a werewolf."
"I know," Sirius mumbled.
"And the Cruciatus Curse..." James continued. " You didn't do it, and that I think also says something about you."
The corridor was quiet. Sirius let his eyes wander over the worn down stone and leaded windows. From somewhere above them he could hear footsteps.
"You need to talk to Remus," said James.
"How is that even going to change anything?" said Sirius despondently.
"Maybe it won't, but you have to try. You have to apologize. He needs someone on his side. He has no one. His dad's in Azkaban-"
"Yes, I got it," Sirius interrupted.
"He's at Hogwarts," said James. "Like Snape said."
"How do you know that?"
"Lily told me."
"Why?" Sirius sighed.
"Because she saw him."
"No, why is he here?"
"I don't know…" said James, finally looking him in the eye. "But you need to find him."
