From a young age, Noah had always loved art. For years, it was all he did. He'd wake up, paint a little bit, and go to school. At the end of the day, he would come home, work on his homework, and paint while spending time with his family. When he entered middle school, he enrolled in art for his elective. The art teacher found Noah's work and style fascinated, and would spend his lunch chatting and painting alongside his favorite teacher. Sometimes Nicole would join and be his paint subject, too. He had to have gone through hundreds of canvases by the time he entered middle school. He painted whatever popped up in his life.

Noah loved painting his parents, and they loved being his subject. They challenged him by giving silly and outlandish poses, and they hung up every photo until they ran out of wall space. After his parents' death, he kept being gifted painting supplies, but he had no use for them, as he had stopped art in his grief. Only Nicole knew of his refusal to paint ever again, which was why when their older siblings were cleaning the house out to sell it, she made sure to have them distribute his paintings to each other and other immediate family members. What was left went into a storage unit that contained other precious items from their childhood home nobody wanted but couldn't bear to throw out or donate.

Noah looked at the painting on his easel that he did of Cody. He noted to himself how Cody looked like an angel, but he had just been painting what he saw every single time he looked at him. After a few moments he began to hear the doorknob rattle from the other side, but because he had locked the door, it wasn't able to open. He heard a knock on the door and figured it must have been Nicole. He quickly threw an old bed sheet over the painting sitting on the easel and walked over to the door to let Nicole in. She had a lovestruck face he had never seen on her, but it quickly faded as she realized Noah's face. His eyes had been puffy from crying, and he had paint streaks on his hands.

"Noah? Are you okay?" Noah nodded nervously as she curiously hovered over to the bedsheet over the easel. Noah nodded as she walked in, putting her stuff on her bed and sitting down.

"Where's Cody?" She didn't let her eyes wander away from the bedsheet, and just like that, Noah was ready to confess everything to her, despite wanting to forget about it.

"I was making a Twitter with Cody, and I told him about mom and dad, and I also mentioned this ship name that fans online are using for us-" Nicole interrupted his manic speech.

"Noco." She nodded, listening.

"You know about Noco?"

"Of course. I know everything about your fanbase. But what happened after that?" Noah paused. He was afraid to say what had happened, but eventually got the courage to after a few breaths.

"I kissed him?" He took his hand and ran it through his hair. Nicole smiled at the news and looked at him as she sat on her bed.

"And after that?" She asked. He was surprised at how calm she was staying.

"I told him to leave." The smile disappeared from Nicole's face as she realized what he had done.

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't even know why I kissed him in the first place, it was stupid-"

"It's not stupid, Noah."

"It was like I had no control over my actions, and when I did, I didn't want to stop." His eyes began to water again, and he was close to feeling that pinching feeling in his chest again, which made him put his hand over his heart. "I don't know what to do. I can't see him after doing that."

"Did you like it?" Nicole said, trying to focus on the positive. A smile escaped from Noah.

"Kind of…"

"Then you should tell him how you feel!"

"No. Absolutely not. I'm not ready yet."

"We can talk about this later. I just want to see what's under here."

"No!" Nicole stepped off her bed to hover over to the sheer over the easel once more, and as curiosity killed the cat, she began to pull the sheet off of the easel. Noah tried to stop her, but she was too late. She gasped as she looked over to his painting, and the memories of him painting at home came flooding back to her.

"This is amazing. You really haven't lost your touch." She looked over to him with a smile on her face, but Noah did not share the same feeling, as he had been looking down. He once was at a point where Nicole would be the first to see any of his newest paintings, but being in this position years later, he felt embarrassed and ashamed. Nicole began to take her boots off as she got serious with him for a moment. "Can I talk to you about something?" Noah started getting nervous, thinking the worst.

"What? Is everything all right?" Noah felt nervous to hear what she had to say, and she looked nervous to talk to him. Though Noah had been suspicious of her actions and behavior for the day, what she would tell him had been something she'd hidden for weeks.

"It's nothing bad, I promise. I just don't want you to be upset at me."

"Go on." Noah encouraged.

"After the concert at home, Trent and I added each other on Facebook. We were talking a lot. We would message every night, and sometimes we'd be up from midnight to 3 am just talking. That's something I never thought I would be able to do with anyone else. Then when he had a concert near my school, he invited me backstage to the show and we went on our first date, and we kissed, and I told him I wanted to take things slow, so we would Skype call and text and call whenever he got the chance. And then when he came back from tour, we reconnected and hung out every chance we could get, and ever since then, we've been..." She took a deep breath, as she had been overtalking herself. "Boyfriend and girlfriend." Noah looked at her with horror.

"God, Nicole, the concert was during your fall break." Noah bellowed. "How long were you planning on keeping this from me?"

"I'm sorry! I wanted to wait to tell you in person because, well... it felt like you've been shutting me out lately." Noah looked at her, confused as she kept talking.

"Shutting you out?" He repeated.

"That's not the right word. Even if I wanted to tell you in the beginning, you hardly ever answer my texts or calls anymore. Whenever I do call you, I'm always waking you up or you say it's not a good time, or when you call me, I'm in class or talking to Trent. This was something I wanted to discuss with no interruptions." Noah began to feel upset at her words, yet couldn't get anything out to express this as she began to get more off of her chest. "Four years ago, mom and dad died, and nothing has been the same since. Joshua and Bethany were so nice to pay for our therapy together. Then eventually you stopped going to therapy with me, had a mental breakdown, quit school, and then you got on Total Drama you were barely home-" Noah found it in him to interject at her statement.

"Oh, well, I'm sorry." He said as he crossed his arms. "Maybe if I wasn't on Total Drama, you wouldn't have a secret boyfriend to hide from me."

"That's not the point, Noah." She put her hands over her forehead, feeling like her brain was about to pop out of her head. "I just worry about you, and I know Joshua does, too. He tries so hard to connect with you and you're always shutting him out."

"Did Joshua tell you that? Do you two talk about me behind my back" He asked.

"No, it's not like that at all. Sometimes I ask him about how you're doing if we go too long without talking to each other."

"I know you're doing better than me, I get it. Joshua knows, Bethany knows, the kids know, the whole family knows. But you can't just tell me you're secretly dating someone I worked with on a reality show and then get around the topic by making this all about me again."

"It's not like that, Noah." She began to feel frustrated with him.

"Are you keeping your distance because I'm a ticking time bomb? Because I'm unpredictable? Or maybe it's because I'm a burden to this entire family? You said it yourself."

"No, I didn't say that, don't say that about yourself. I just... I wanted to make sure it was going to last before I told you, that's all. You're so important to me, and I love you, and I only want to make a big deal about it if it's something that would last." Nicole looked down as she took a breather from this conversation. Both of them had been emotionally riled up, which they never got with each other. "You really should go back to therapy again. Without me. You need help." Noah could see the hurt in her eyes. It was the same hurt he saw in Joshua, and the hurt in his eyes he had seen in Cody tonight when he asked him to leave after sharing a moment with him. In her grief, she began to lay down on her bed, looking up at the ceiling. He slowly crept up to the bed and laid next to her as they stared up and spoke to each other. He wiped the tears from his eyes and Nicole began to speak to him again as they watched the ceiling fan turn in circles.

"I can't keep wondering what you're doing if you go a day without calling me. When we were younger you were the one who'd help me defend myself against bullies who thought I was the weird girl. I would cry myself to sleep in our bedroom over it and you would tell mom and dad it was you so I wouldn't feel embarrassed. Now that you're at a low place in your life, I feel like I have this duty to be there for you like you were for me, but you make it so hard to do that. I can't lose you, Noah. Please help yourself before you become too numb, because I can't help you anymore until you help yourself."

He noticed her voice shaking as she spoke. He felt like an idiot for getting so upset at her. He didn't know how to respond, so instead, he held her hand next to him as their other hands rested on their stomachs in sync. He took a deep sigh and tried to process how he could word his response. He looked over to her as she stared at the ceiling. Nicole hadn't made any eye contact with Noah since they laid on the bed together, and she had been wiping a lone tear from her eye.

"Have you told Trent about mom and dad?" Nicole paused as Noah changed the subject. She didn't let go of his hand as she spoke.

"Yeah, I did." She said. "It took a little bit, but when I did, he was really cool about it. What did Cody say when you told him?"

"Well, he pointed to that family photo we have out in the living room. He asked where mom and dad were, and I panicked and said they died. And he just kept apologizing." He paused. "I wish you would have told me about your new relationship. I feel so shitty that you felt I was unapproachable." The two of them began to sit up as they faced each other and let go of each other's hands.

"It's been an amazing few weeks getting to talk to him. We confided in each other things that only you and I had talked about, and things he had never told anyone. It's incredible what bond you can share with another human." She paused. "I was with Trent tonight, and I'm so sorry I lied. Cody almost blew my cover. Him and Trent are best friends, and they tell each other everything, but Trent says that Cody's terrible at keeping secrets." She laughed at her own quote that popped up in her head. "But when you and Cody begin dating, you can double date with us." She flashed a smile at him and winked at him while trying to ease the tension between them.

"Cody won't want to go out with me after all this. I'll be lucky if he ever acknowledges me ever again." He said.

"You two have chemistry. You always have." She said.

"No, we haven't!" She laughed as he began getting some pajamas from his dresser and went to their shared bathroom to change. He thought about what had happened within the last few minutes, how he's been making his sister feel for the last month and a half. He wanted to move on from the hurt and learn to open himself up; not for himself, but for her as well. As he finished changing and walked back into his room and into his bed, he opened his Twitter to see a tweet from Cody.

Codemister3000

No Twitch stream tonight, guys. See you all tomorrow night!

He frowned. He knew of Cody's streams as Cody would text him a link to tune in every now and then, and now Cody was probably too depressed to go on tonight. It was all Noah's fault. Noah felt bad. He knew he streams every night because Cody would text him to tune in, and now he was probably too sad to go on tonight. It was all Noah's fault.

He looked over to Nicole as she began to go into their shared bathroom to shower and change for the night, and allowed the thoughts of ruining any sort of relationship, platonic or romantic, with Cody to bring him to sleep.


1 week later…

Noah walked into the therapy office with Nicole, and they took their winter gear off and onto the coat rack as he walked over to the check-in desk. He gave his name to the nurse at the other side of the desk, and she gave him some forms to fill out. The two of them sat down as he began to look through the forms. He started out with the easy ones - his name, date of birth, emergency contacts, and insurance information, before looking over to Nicole.

"Why do I have to fill this out? I've been here." Noah asked.

"Yeah, when we were 15. You're an adult now." He began clicking his pen back over and over as he looked over the next few questions.

Have you thought about taking your life?

He lied and put no.

Do you have panic attacks? How often?

At this point, Nicole began to look over his shoulder as she noticed him taking a long period of time to answer simple questions. Knowing Nicole was making sure he was answering the questionnaire truthfully made him want to lie less, so he sighed as he wrote two to three times a week.

Do you smoke, drink, or take drugs?

No.

Do you have any allergies?

"What do my allergies have to do with my mental health?" He whispered. Nicole didn't say a word, but took his writing pens into hers and shook it to remind him he's still clicking the pen.

"Just fill out the paper." She turned around as he wrote peanuts. He breathed a heavy sigh, then kept moving onto the next questions. Once he was finished with the questionnaire, he returned it to the receptionist at the desk and sat with Nicole for a few minutes before his therapist popped her head through the door.

"Noah Asper?" She asked.

"I'll be right here when you're done." Nicole said to him. He nodded and stood up to walk over to her. He recognized her right away from the last time he saw her, which was right before he was taken to his final interview to be cast into Total Drama Island. Bethany's coworker had recommended her for Nicole and Noah, as she had specialized in young adult grief. She had a very calming aura around her, which made it easy for Nicole to open up to her, and even harder for Noah to resist care from her. They began to walk down to the end of the hall to her office. She sat down at the black plush chair across from another black plush chair.

"It's good to see you again, Noah."

"I'm sorry I skipped out on therapy."

"Don't apologize. I'm glad you're back." She smiled as the two of them shared an awkward stare, and Noah broke the silence.

"So should I sit right here?" He asked.

"If you'd like to. You can sit, you can stand, you can even walk around and pace. Whatever is most comfortable to you." He nodded as he decided to sit down on the plush chair across from her, and she went ahead and grabbed the pen and paper from her desk and crossed her legs.

"I just want to assess where you're at right now, so if you don't mind, why don't you refresh my memory on why you are seeking therapy today?" She asked him. He began to take his right hand and pulsed it, almost like a clicking motion, as he began to speak.

"I'm not well." He said as he looked down. "I haven't been well in a long time."

"What brings you down?" He sighed.

"My parents died four years ago. I was with them when it happened. We were biking out on a mountain and an earthquake happened, and they fell over and died in the hospital."

"And from what I remember you were very close to them." She said as she leaned into him.

"Yes."

"And what happened after they died? Who did you live with?" She asked.

"My oldest brother took my sister Nicole and I in. Joshua, and my sister-in-law Bethany, and their two kids. Hannah and Spencer. As you may remember, they sent us to therapy with you and it didn't help me, but helped Nicole."

"Don't worry about our past visits." She said. "Let's take it slow. That's all in the past now. I want to speak with you as if you're a brand-new patient." This made Noah happy, as he was worried about not only coming back to therapy but seeing the same person once more and thinking she would have a bias against him from their previous sessions. She began writing down some of what Noah had been saying as she changed the subject. "So, do you think there was something that happened that made you feel like therapy wasn't successful?" Noah took a deep breath in, not knowing where to start.

"I don't think I focused too hard on getting better, and it also didn't help that I was in therapy with Nicole, even though we refused to do anything separate from each other after their death. Nicole actually just went off to university this year, and even though I've left her more times for a show I was in throughout high schools, I still find it really hard to be without her sometimes. She keeps me grounded."

"Do you think that's what turned you off from therapy? Seeing your sister succeed like that?" She asked.

"Yes and no. I think it had to do with that, but seeing her being able to move on so seemingly well made me want to not be around, so I signed up and got into a show called Total Drama Island."

"How did that go for you?"

"I didn't want people to know the true me, not that I had been myself for a long time even before my parents died. I was a jerk and I got eliminated quickly. I took my losses and spent the summer at a resort with the rest of the eliminated cast, and then I thought everything was done until another season got picked up and started a few days later. I wasn't in it, but the host of the show, Chris, asked me to be his assistant. Nobody knew I was doing this, though, until much later when Chris fired me. And then just as I thought it was time for me to go home for good, they had another season that I got casted on, and I lost, again. Then there was a few more seasons, but I wasn't picked again until last year when the show's spin-off asked me to come on that show."

"So when you went home, what did you do?"

"Well, I was 17 at the time, so I finished my schooling in-person, at a school I barely knew anything about since I left in my freshman year. Then I graduated and applied for college. But I was having a moment of indecisiveness for my major, where I wasn't sure what to choose, the major the 'old' Noah wanted, or the major that 'Noah from Total Drama' wanted. So I put undecided, had a mental breakdown within the first few weeks, and then accepted an offer to go on a brand-new competition show around the world." Noah was beginning to feel out of breath, as he was talking so fast he almost forgot to breathe. The therapist picked up on this and gave him a few moments before asking more of him.

"How did that one go?" He gave another heavy sigh.

"Well, the production team, first off, was the complete opposite of Total Drama. They wanted to do a scripted reality show, and they had asked me to pretend to be in love with a girl on the show and form an alliance with her and her sister. I didn't want to do it, but the casting director told me that rumors were spiraling about me being gay and they wanted to fix it, and that we could stage a breakup after the show aired."

"Are you gay?"

"Yes. But I haven't told anyone, except for my parents and sister." He said. He paused as he thought about what to bring up next. "Well, I guess Cody knows, too."

"Who's Cody?" He sighed.

"He's from Total Drama. He's this boy I kissed on the ear in my sleep on accident when I was 16 on Total Drama Island. I mean I guess we talked a little bit after that when we were on another season together, but, there really wasn't too much between us." The therapist tried her best to follow along.

"What makes you think he knows you're gay?"

"Well, ever since Ridonculous Race, Cody has been texting and calling me, asking to talk about the show. I don't want to talk about that show, let alone him, so I would blow him off. But when my sister came home for fall break, I took her to a concert, Cody's band's concert. He saw us during the show and had a guard come and bring us backstage to see them after the show, and Cody and I went to a diner after the show and he told me he was gay, or bisexual, one or the other, he isn't sure yet." He took another deep breath as he tried to get back to his point. "But anyway, my sister forced me to have him over, and everything was happening all at once and I just kissed him. And then I got mad at myself and forced him to leave so he wouldn't see me freak out at myself. My sister had been out of the house while this was happening and when I came home, she told me something about how she's been dating a guy I worked with on Total Drama and I freaked out at her after she told me she felt like I was shutting her out, and, now, here I am."

She looked at Noah, then back at her notes, trying to figure out where to start.

"Thank you so much for sharing, Noah, I know this was a lot to talk about and I'm so happy that you felt okay to share it with me. What I want to dive into first is when you keep talking about this 'old' Noah and a 'Total Drama' Noah. Which version of yourself would you rather work on being?" Noah thought about his answer carefully before responding, but it was hard as he was too choked up to open up.

"Well, before my parents died, I did a lot of art, and we all liked to sing together. Art was pretty much all I did up until their death. Last week, after kissing Cody and kicking him out, I painted him, which is huge. But, this morning I sort of just ripped it out and threw it away, because I was scared you'd ask me to see it." He paused. "Noah from Total Drama is I think who I've turned into. Total Drama Noah is mean, dull, and a little defensive. I don't know how to get out of this cycle." She adjusted her eyeglasses, then made eye contact to him.

"Do you think your grieving process could have been slowed down because of the TV show?"

"Yes. I've lost touch with who I am. I want to go back to who I used to be, before Total Drama. Back to who I was before my parents died."

"Do you think you'd want to pursue a relationship with Cody?"

"I haven't even talked to him since that night. I don't even know if he'd want to be my friend after how I treated him."

"Text him now."

"Really? I can do that? But we're in the middle of a session."

"Go ahead, it's fine." She smiled as he got his phone out of his pocket, then started drafting a text to Cody, talking out loud.

Noah

Hey Cody… I'm really sorry for last week. Do you want to come over and talk?

He pressed send.

"That's a great first step, Noah. Good job." Noah gave a slight smile as they kept their conversation going, talking about his fears of being in a relationship, and after a few minutes Cody answered back and he read it aloud for her.

Cody

Sure. I'll be there at 7.

Noah smiled, but on the inside, he was dying. He didn't think he'd be willing to meet up with him, let alone talk to him ever again. He was nervous to see Cody again, but it was time to open up. It was time to be the version of Noah he truly can be, and not the Total Drama Noah.

A/N: Thank you so much to those of you who have been following along with this tory! We really appreciate it! I already had this chapter done, but I needed to post on my other story, Total Drama Arts, before posting on this. Please leave a review if you liked it, and thanks for reading!

~Sami