Rewritten scenes from "If I were a Witch Man."

April 2008

The witch cackled as she flew through the air, the mayor clinging to the broomstick for dear life. "Spengler!" howled the witch at Egon. "After three hundred years, I'm free again! You shall soon taste the revenge of Kestrel!"

"Nobody threatens my Egon and gets away with it!" yelled Jennifer. "Yipes!" The Ghostbusters were forced to duck as the witch whizzed toward them. She flew away, laughing into the night.

"That's her," said Egon, staring after the witch. "The hag's whose face I saw in the lab today!"

Jennifer grabbed his collar. "You listen to me, Egon Spengler! If you die on me, I'll kill you! Now let's get her!"

The Ghostbusters hopped into the Ectomobile to chase after Kestrel. "They were heading toward that girls' academy!" said Egon.

"Uh, hang a left at the next corner, Winston," said Peter, fumbling for the map. "It's about two miles out of town."

"According to this," said Ray, flipping through an old spell book. "Kestrel is an evil demoness who has no physical shape. So she takes possessions of people's bodies and makes them do terrible things!"

"Well somebody's not gonna win an award for 'Miss Congeniality!'" Jennifer remarked.

"What does she want with the mayor?" asked Winston.

"Revenge," Egon answered gravely. "Mayor Moody is a descendent of the original pilgrims who captured Kestrel. So was the missing bus driver…and so am I." He shuddered.

"Then as long as Kestrel's loose," said Peter, "you're in danger."

Jennifer stared at Egon, fear in her eyes. "I guess we'll have to stick to you like cops to a donut shop."

"I don't mind that," said Egon, blushing a little. Jennifer smiled in spite of herself.

The Ecto-1 pulled up to the girls' school. Peter banged on the door.

A woman opened the door. "May I help you?"

"Sorry, ma'am," said Peter, proton pack at the ready. "Official business."

"We're chasing a witch!" added Ray cheerfully as the Ghostbusters barged into the school.

The woman gasped. "Not here, you're not! My girls are studying for final exams and cannot be disturbed!"

"Ma'am, we're the Ghostbusters," Winston explained. "And we-"

"And I'm Margaret Prandish, headmistress of this school," declared Ms. Prandish. "Now you must leave immediately!"

"You don't understand," said Egon. He didn't notice the schoolgirls in their pajamas standing behind him giggling. "Our instruments show that this school is a veritable psychokinetic Chernobyl."

"What did he say?" whispered one of the girls.

"Who cares? He's totally cute!" giggled another.

"Back off, girls," said Jennifer, raising an eyebrow. "He's mine."

"Aw!" The girls looked devastated.

"Girls!" scolded Prandish.

"Mrs. Prandish, we're convinced that Kestrel has taken possession of a human host in this school," Ray insisted.

"It's imperative that we run PKE tests on every girl in this school," said Egon. The girls gasped.

"Girls, get back to your studies!" yelled Prandish. The girls ran up the stairs, giggling the whole way up. "And absolutely not!" added Prandish to the Ghostbusters. "I told you my students are in the midst of finals!"

"Lady, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation," Jennifer retorted. "And do you really think those kids are studying up there? I mean, I know it's been awhile since you've been a teenager-"

"Rowr!" exclaimed Peter, sniggering.

"Madam, I didn't appreciate that comment," snapped Prandish.

"And I don't appreciate your-"

"Okay, hate to break up the cat-fight," Winston cut in. "But I have a suggestion: what if we blend in and work undercover?"

"Blend in?" shrieked Prandish. "This is a girls' school!"

"And what am I? A duck?" muttered Jennifer.


"Okay," said Jennifer, watching as Egon and Peter put on their makeup. The three were dressed in school girl uniforms. Poor Pete and Egon had been forced to cross-dress! "This whole ordeal has just risen two levels of creepy. I thought it was weird enough when the whole town looked like Egon, but this is even worse!"

"Shut it, Jennifer," grumbled Peter. "I'm gonna kill Winston for suggesting this! How did he get off so easy anyway? He's only disguised as a freakin' gym coach! Where's the justice in that?"

"Better hurry up and change, Peter," Jennifer joked. "Coach Zeddemore might give us extra laps!"

Peter smeared his lipstick. "You owe me big for this one, Egon! Protecting you from witches is getting to be a real drag, if you know what I mean!"

"You think this is bad for you? My boyfriend's wearing a skirt!" exclaimed Jennifer. "How do you think I feel? Not that you don't look cute or anything, Egon."

Peter ignored her and stared his reflection. "Do I have too much eye shadow?"

"The problem is the color, Peter. It has to compliment your lip gloss," said Egon. He opened his purse. "I have a color chart-"

"Gah, stop it, Egon! That's weird!" protested Jennifer.

"Sorry."

"Ugh!" groaned Peter. "Winston and his bright ideas. I just wished he had to wear these pantyhose! They're murder, man!"

"Well I guess we know which is the stronger sex," said Jennifer, rolling her eyes.

The bell rang, signaling the beginning of gym. "It's show time!" sang out Peter in his falsetto.


Winston cautiously opened the door to the math classroom. Out flew about a bazillion flying goblins. "Get 'em!" Jennifer yelled.

The Ghostbusters started firing and trapping the goblins. Egon took a step back from the group for a wider shot, not noticing the orange smoke surrounding him…

Slimer backed up to throw out more traps. He bumped into Egon-or what had been Egon. "AAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Slimer. "Peter! Winston! Jennifer! Witch has Egon!"

The Ghostbusters whirled around. "NO! EGON!" wailed Jennifer.

Egon had mutated into a Kestrel-looking beast! "Guys! Kestrel's got Egon!" yelled Peter. "Correction: Kestrel is Egon!"

"Oh no!" cried Winston.

"Let's fry that bitch!" exclaimed Jennifer. The Ghostbusters took aim with their packs.

"Now, now," cackled Kestrel. "You know if you use that weapon, you'll harm your precious Egon!"

"He's right." Jennifer's voice trembled as she lowered her wand. "We can't hurt him!"

"Egon!" shouted Peter to the monster. "I know you're in there! Fight it, big guy!"

"I love you, Egon! You can do it!" added Jennifer.

"Ah…ah…I caaan't…too strooooong," groaned Egon. Then Kestrel took back over. "Too late!" she shrieked. She held up half of the crystal. "Whoever ends up with both halves wins, right, Peter?"

"Ray! Get the potion!" called Peter. Ray nodded and dashed for the monster, thermos in hand.

Kestrel grabbed a broom from the janitor's closet, straddled it, and took off. Ray uncapped the potion and threw it at the witch with all his might, to no avail. Kestrel cackled as she flew away.

The Ghostbusters stared after the witch despondently. "She's going straight for Ecto!" exclaimed Winston.

"Well, let's go!" exclaimed Jennifer. "We gotta save Lewiston…and Egon!"


Egon shook his head as the spirit of Kestrel evaporated out of him. He instinctively grabbed the crystal and held it high in the air. The crystal emitted bolts of energy. The spirit of Kestrel shrieked as she and her goblin minions were sucked into the crystal.

The Ghostbusters rushed over to Egon. "Egon!" exclaimed Jennifer as he hugged him emphatically. "God, I was so worried!" She kissed him.

"Nice going, man!" exclaimed Winston.

"You feeling okay?" asked Peter.

"Actually, I feel like I need a long shower," admitted Egon. Jennifer laughed with relief. He was just fine.