Note: I'm sure there has to be a fic out there like this, but I've been thinking of Lee and Neji lately, and couldn't help but wonder what closure after Neji's death for Lee might have been like.
He'd allowed himself to cry the day it happened. Well, that day, his body hadn't exactly given him a choice. The pain shot out of him in unrelenting, desperate waves, almost as if the liquid grief would bring his rival, his best friend, back to life. As if doing so would reverse time and reverse the roles.
He'd allowed himself to cry the days and weeks and months after that dreaded day as well, but only a few days and weeks and months after that day - nothing more. No, after that time, he'd put all his efforts and focus on continuing to better himself, just as he always had. Tears of mourning wouldn't help him now, he eventually told himself. But still, once every year now, with much restraint, with much self control, he allowed himself to remember.
"Oh. Gai sensei."
Gai turned his head, and his eyes lit up with warmth as he smiled. "You sound surprised to see me, Lee."
"No, it is just…well, okay, maybe I am a little surprised," Lee said with a shy laugh as he stopped at his sensei's side, or rather, the side of his sensei's wheelchair. He clutched the flower stems in his hands tighter and stared down at the thing he hadn't seen in a year. "It is just that…today makes two years, so..."
"Because it's been two years, you think it's something I'd forget, huh?"
Gai let out that boisterous laugh of his, though it didn't carry its signature joy, and his expression was serious. "No. The air always gets a certain crip feel about it this time of year. It reminds me."
"Ah. Right." Normally he'd be inflamed with youthful excitement at the presence of Gai, but today, honestly, he had been expecting to be here alone, and he already felt that familiar, yearly sense of heaviness. His tongue was heavy, too. Too heavy to speak much. So he continued to stare at the white gravestone. The color was pearly, just like Neji's eyes had been.
It had been two years, yet memories and regrets still welled up in his chest and mind despite how much he fought to resist and ignore them.
Even after all this time. All this time.
He knew it hadn't been that much time, but that didn't matter. It frustrated him. It frustrated him that he still felt so deeply, so strongly, and so much.
So much that tears were already in his eyes without his consent, and soon his shoulders were trying to shake and his breath was hitching, and he hated himself for it, which made his vision grow even blurrier. He quietly hissed at himself and roughly rubbed his eyes with his forearm.
Stop it, he warned his emotions as if they would be obedient. Instead his emotions lashed out at him in the form of thoughts.
You are so weak. Pathetic. You could not be there to save him, and you cannot help him now. Everyone else's closest friends are still alive. His legacy will live on, but you failed him as a friend and rival. If you had been there, he would no doubt still be here. You should have been standing next to him on that day. But you were not. And now, all you can do is cry! Those words in his head were supposed to sober him and make him nod firmly with dried eyes, and tearless, silent self-hatred, but soon he was full-on sobbing, and for what, he thought? He hadn't cried this hard in over a year.
He wasn't aware of how much time had passed. All he knew was his knees were pressed against the ground, and his hands were fisting grass and a few tattered flower petals, and a big, warm hand was squeezing his shoulder. His body was quaking even more, heaving the anguish out, though it kept coming up and up no matter how violently he shook.
"Lee."
Please. Please do not look at me. Please, just… Despite his silent wishes, the comforting hand on his shoulder remained. His voice was ragged, nearly silent, broken. "Gai sensei. I am sorry. I…I-I did not want you to see me like this. I did not know I would…"
"See you like what? See you expressing your true feelings? Authentic expression is a true testament of youth. It's necessary, and nothing to be ashamed of." Gai's voice and features were firm but full of concern as Lee glanced up at him, unable at first to fully meet his eyes.
But once Lee did meet his eyes, he only held the gaze for a few seconds before his shame pulled him away again and he looked down at his trembling fists on his lap.
"You are right, Sensei. Sincerity is admirable. But…weakness after all this time is disgraceful."
"Lee, it seems to me that not every part of you is on a path of healing from Neji's death."
If the situation had been different, Lee might have let out a huff of a laugh. He could have told his sensei that, but…
"I know you're already aware of that. But it appears you have yet to actually address the issue. My judgment might be off a bit, but it looks like what you need is some closure."
"…Closure?" Lee echoed.
"Yup, that's right," Gai said gently.
Nothing but the sound of the cool fall breeze brushing against surrounding trees could be heard before Gai spoke again, not looking at Lee.
"This might be a little tough, but I've got a question for you."
Lee sniffled with curious eyes. "Please shoot."
"If Neji were here right now, what would you say to him?"
Lee was speechless, never having thought to ask himself the question. He'd found no reason to ponder the inquiry before. But now… "What would I…say to him?"
Lee closed his eyes. He took a deep, shuddering breath. He looked to the boundless sky. Opened his mouth. Hesitated.
"You don't have to say your words in front of me if it makes you uncomfortable," Gai broke the silence in his matter-of-fact tone of voice. "No, these are words between you and him."
Lee hesitated again. Between him and Neji? Neji was gone. Speaking now would be pointless. Dumb.
"It is not that. It is just I am not sure I would be able to s…" The words of his unfinished sentence died on his tongue, and for once in a long time, he forced himself to remain silent as he wrestled with the possibility. The possibility of… actually trying it out; of opening his mind and heart to whatever this was, to—
"Oh, just spit it out, Lee. You're usually one to speak your mind. Which is why I despise the handful of moments you are hesitant when there are obviously things you want to say. What is it?"
Lee froze. Suddenly he wasn't in the graveyard anymore, and Gai was nowhere to be found, even as he slowly looked around. It was dark, but then his black vision was replaced with a dim white. He debated whether or not he'd truly just heard a voice, but also very certain the voice had just been there, ringing in his mind.
And he nearly jumped out of his skin when a figure appeared in front of him. A slim but muscular figure shrouded in loose white clothing, adorned with long, dark brown hair, calculating pearl white eyes staring back at him. Furrowed eyebrows and an unforgettable, confident voice that said:
"Well?"
Lee couldn't breathe. Neji.
"Yes, Lee," Neji said, his tone familiarly, teasingly impatient. "Yes, I'm here. So, what is it?"
Lee's heart could have melted and leapt up his throat all at once, yet along with it, there was a feeling of incredulousness at Neji's words. What… What is it? What is it?
"Neji…" Lee finally spoke out loud, though he figured by the looks of it, Neji could read his internal thoughts. His voice was a croak. "Neji, what is it…what is it not?"
Neji raised his eyebrows, crossed his arms. "What does that mean?"
Lee's mouth was moving but his lips were voicing silent words.
"What does it…what does it mean? Why…why do you appear so nonchalant, Neji? Why?" At first, he felt speaking anything would be impossible, but once the first word came out, the rest spilled out as if they'd been waiting a millennia to be spoken, and the anger with it. He couldn't remember the last time he felt anger towards anyone, and he didn't want to feel it, but it wasn't his choice.
"You asked what does it mean? It means exactly as I said. I have so many questions, Neji. Where are you now? Are you okay? Are you still existing somewhere? Why did you have to go?" Lee's voice softened as he registered the reigning silence as a response. He beheld Neji's expression that was austere and unchanging - just as it always often had been - and Lee never felt such a blend of comfort at the familiarity and frustration at the silent response as he locked his jaw. And he knew he sounded irrational and selfish, but he couldn't stop himself from asking, "Why did you leave me?"
Neji's lips were pressed together in a firm line. "You know I had no other choice, Lee. It was my destiny. It was an unexpected destiny, but one I chose, nonetheless. I did what I had to do, and you need to keep doing the same."
Neji's words were blunt, but his face suddenly held a gentle edge that only a very keen eye from those that knew him would notice. Lee noticed.
"Right. I am doing the same. I am doing what I have to do." Lee was simply rephrasing those words. He was lost.
"Yes, you are. But it wouldn't hurt to do it a bit better."
Before Lee could interject with a confused response, Neji sighed in a way that Lee knew would usually be paired with an eye roll, but this time, it didn't come as Neji said, "How have you been?"
Lee blinked.
"Go on. Tell me."
When Lee remained silent, Neji scoffed. "Cat got your tongue? You'd rather write me a letter, I see."
Letter? A strange notion, Lee thought. And perhaps Neji had given the suggestion sarcastically, but then again, Lee had always been one to ignore Neji's sarcasm. Besides, that mode of communication gave him an idea that seemed…oddly appealing.
It was silent again for some time.
"Dear… Dear Neji, I have been…" Lee trailed off, already feeling awkward. Then, after who knows how many more moments exactly, he decided to be completely honest, no matter how it came out, as he looked Neji straight in the eyes. "It has already been two years. It has felt like a rush and like an eternity all at the same time, and yet I…still miss you greatly.
"I have gotten stronger. I have earned the title of Jonin. I greatly enjoy the missions I go on. I…do not know if I will ever have children at this point, though I would love to have at least one to pass on the flames of youth to. I wonder if they would have gotten along with any children you may have had." Lee smiled weakly.
He swallowed and continued.
"It was one of your dreams to better the Hyūga clan. Meanwhile, my dream was to become stronger for me and to perhaps inspire others…but mainly for me to prove that I could do it, and to prove you wrong." Lee's brows furrowed slightly then as he said in a quieter voice, "You hurt me… Saying someone like me could never be a true shinobi pained me deeply. However, little did I know back then that those words of doubt you used to throw at me in the very beginning would become words I used as a source of encouragement and strength to reach my goals. And for that, for you, I am forever grateful, Neji."
Lee smiled then; true, genuine, but still weighed down by the pain of his next thoughts. He let out a slow breath.
"I am filled with regret. Many of my nights, I dream it had been me that jumped in front of Naruto and Hinata to save them. Me instead of you." Lee saw them as both dreams and nightmares. Losing his life should have felt like a nightmare, he knew, but he couldn't help but relish those moments since it meant he could imagine that his friend's heart was beating just a little while longer as a result. It wasn't fair. It was so unfair. "It all happened so fast. We did not have a proper goodbye."
The silence continued, so he forced himself to continue.
"And then," Lee said quietly, "you know we also never had our match. Many of my other dreams at night are filled with us sharing blows and facing off for real in an ultimate match of youthful rivalry that I had always been looking forward to. To see how much stronger you had become was something that always motivated me. Were you also looking forward to seeing how much stronger I became? Who would have won? I wonder." Lee's smile was wistful. "That is something I still struggle to let go of. I dream about it all the time; the victor is never revealed to me, though. It is honestly difficult to cope with, though I know it is quite silly."
Lee rubbed the back of his neck.
"So…that is why sometimes, when he is free, I spar with Naruto. He does not fight like you, Neji. His movements are just as fierce, but not as graceful or unforgiving. Our fighting styles do not contrast as much as ours do. But still, he sometimes takes my mind off of…things. He helps me continue to get stronger in that way. And Tenten as well. Tenten, she misses you too, though she prefers not to talk about it much. I spar with her often; almost as much as I used to spar with you."
After those last words, Lee found it impossible to maintain eye contact, so he looked away, the sudden lump in his throat making it so he could barely swallow. "I am very sorry. I have-"
"Don't," Neji said coldly, interrupting his letter. Lee almost forgot how capable Neji's sharp, demanding stare was of robbing him of any kind of speech, even now.
But when Neji remained silent after that, Lee croaked, "Do not…I am unsure of what you mean."
"Don't you ever apologize for living again. That is the most insulting thing you could say to me."
"Oh, I… Ah." Lee struggled to say more, the words punching him in the gut.
"Because, see? That's what you're doing," Neji said quietly, his voice almost sounding…pleased? "Living. Of course there will be hard days. It's foolish to think there won't ever be any more again, considering my absence. But don't you see? You're getting along just fine without me. And you will continue to."
"Neji…I… You are right, I guess I…yes, I am living, but…" Lee wrestled for the right words, his brows knitting together as he looked down. "Even so, it is just that I cannot…I do not think I will ever find the strength to…move on from you."
Neji shook his head as if he were scolding someone. "Moving on in one's heart doesn't always happen like we think it's supposed to. Moving on isn't so cut and dried as it is in the movies; that's just reality. Moving on is more like this: you've just got to keep living until the pain is something that becomes less and less of a burden to you. Look at me, Lee."
Lee's wide eyes locked with Neji's.
"By that I mean keep winning and keep achieving. Keep growing, keep making mistakes, keep learning, keep getting stronger than you were yesterday. Remember? As many times as Gai sensei forced that cheesy mantra down our throats, don't tell me you've forgotten it," Neji said with a smirk. "Keep getting better and better and better than me. You'd better, or else I'll return in your dream matches and my victories will be pitifully unquestionable, got it?"
Lee was speechless, and Neji continued.
"Live because that's all you can do. Keep living because it's the best thing you can do. And don't just breathe. Live, and I'm certain it will continue to get lighter and lighter with time," Neji's voice remained firm, but was getting gentler. "Live a life that makes my death pale in comparison, all right? Continue living for us both. Live a life worthy of the rival I know and admire. And you'd better do it without guilt. There's nothing you could have done to change what happened, and what's done is done. Your life will make a greater impact free of the guilt, so live, and don't embarrass me." Neji gave Lee a mock gentle fist to the shoulder with the faintest smile.
"Do not embarrass you. I will not make any promises." Lee had found his voice again and the corners of his lips curled slightly, warmth enveloping his entire being. Live. He was quiet for some time again, but to his surprise, he felt his smile continue to widen as he lifted his arms toward Neji. "Who am I kidding? Please, come here." He enveloped his friend in a tight bear hug. "I…needed to see you." And hear your words.
Neji remained stiff, not making any moves to hug Lee back. "Lee, you know I don't particularly care for hugs." But he didn't pull away, either.
"O-Oh, that is right," Lee murmured, about to pull away, but the feeling of his friend's warmth was too much. "That is right, but please, just this once. A little longer?"
Neji sighed in resignation, but Lee liked to pretend it was a sigh of contentment.
Lee wasn't sure how many moments had passed. All he knew in those moments was the feeling of Neji's heartbeat, strong and present against his own chest. He never wanted it to stop.
"Are you finished now, Lee?"
"Not yet." Then, Lee chuckled, soft, almost non-existent, but a chuckle still. He was feeling a hint of playfulness for the first time in a while; any hint of Neji's mild annoyance used to always coax it further out of him. "I did not finish my letter. Thank you, Neji. Sincerely, Rock Lee. There. Now I am finished."
"Congratulations, Lee. I declare that you have officially surpassed Gai sensei in insufferability."
"Why, thank you, Neji. Truly, I am honored."
"You're welcome."
Lee began to break the hug, but his smile faltered slightly when he found he was unable to do so with the effort he put in. When he halfheartedly tried to pull back again, he was still unable to release himself from the hug.
And suddenly, Lee was surrounded by gentle, cool wind that was dancing with the grass, and felt the sun's heat on his back as its rays also sat on every tombstone. He registered a familiar spearmint shampoo scent. And recognized the sound of his own weeping as he shook in the secure hold of Gai.
"Whoa there…now, now, that's right. Let it out."
And he did. He allowed himself to cry without stopping it this time. Because his encounter with Neji had done something within him. It had broken off the shackles of pain and guilt that had been put on him for so long, he hadn't even realized they'd been placed there. He hadn't realized how much they'd been weighing him down…until now, because now, he felt…so much lighter.
"Thank you, Gai sensei," Lee choked. His heart was still throbbing with a faint ache, but he knew that now this ache held the promise of full, complete, eventual healing with time. So he would continue. This time, without guilt, he would continue to…
'Live a life that makes my death pale in comparison. Continue living for us both.'
"You all right, Lee?" Never had Lee heard his sensei speak with such a hint of uncertainty. His sensei had no idea how effective his suggestion had been, had no idea what it did for him. It made Lee laugh quietly and hug Gai tighter through his tears.
"I am all right."
