"She seems to be really isolated and people around her seem to be tired of trying over and over again to show patuence and to offer help." Yup, this time she's kind of alone with her own mess and she doesn't really know what to do or how to fix it. Even if she can swallow her pride, she fears that, that won't be good enough this time. "and most of it because she fails to talk about why she's acting the way she does." Exactly, she still hasn't gotten to the root of her hurt. "She doesn't love herself, she doesn't believe that she deserves a chance and love." And this is one of those problems that she hasn't gotten to the root of and it's eating her up inside and causing her to lash out. She feels like she is a danger to her own progress. And taking her voice exasperated an already complicated and bad situation. Because now communication is even more difficult and it had been difficult for her when she had her voice. "So in the end it was a spirit which has taken her tongue. A very interesting choice." Thanks! It was initially going to be a group of vengeful vigilantes or something like that. But I decided to go with the spirit route because I had a great idea for some perfect angst.
They still don't visit her. She finds herself staring numb and thoughtlessly at the ceiling. Her throat aches and for a moment she thinks that that is a good thing. Sensation means that she can feel. And if she can feel then that means...
She tries to call out fir the nurse to fetch her a glass of water.
Instead of vocals there is a pounding sensation at the base of her neck. It feels something like heartburn and she wonders if rejection and isolation can induce such.
She brushes her fingers upon her neck and tries to massage it. Tears sting in her eyes, she has only made the sensation worse.
She is starting to rethink trying to get a drink. But then, that might help. She rolls into her side. Her tongue is stinging too and every time she accidentally touches it to the roof of her mouth she is met with a sting that bursts and shoots all the way down her throat.
The doctors don't come to check on her and she is getting restless. She forces herself out of bed. She'll have to fix herself a glass of water in her own. She pads along the hallway accompanied only by a sense that there is no point; that she should let her throat run dry and lay there until thirst claims her. Things would be simpler if she did. With her head dipped and her eyes fixed on the ground, she isn't paying attention to where she is going and only remembers to do so after ramming into Zuko.
"What are you doing?" The hint of frustration in his voice doesn't go undetected. She is rather accustomed to picking out those sorts of subtleties. "You're supposed to be in the infirmary."
She tries to move past him but he catches her arm. His grip is too rough. "Are you listening to me?"
She is partially but they don't quite stick. She can't convey this so she settles for a lackluster affirmative nod.
"Go back to bed, Azula."
She shakes her head. She will get her water and then she will return to bed.
"Stop being so stubborn, Azula."
Looks around for something to gesture at, a cup, a painting of a stream, anything to indicate that she only wants a glass of water. She isn't sure why it comes as such a shock to find that there aren't many depictions of water in the fire palace. She settles for mouthing her request instead but Zuko has never been good at reading lips.
He knits his brows as he seems to recall something. "Are you still having trouble talking?"
She yearns to ask him what would ever lead him to that conclusion.
"I didn't think that you were hurt that bad."
Even if she could speak she thinks that she might have just stood with a blank stare. She makes another attempt to move past him. He sidesteps. "If it's bad enough that you can't talk then you should get back…"
Frustrations builds and her hands grow hot and, just as quickly, her temper cools as an idea crosses her mind. She takes a few steps back and shapes a fiery 'W' in the air. A-T-E-R. Zuko's face scrunches. She spells it for him again. And then a third time.
"You want water?"
She nods.
"Hasn't the nurse…?"
She shakes her head and his own annoyance seems to dissipate. She brushes by him again, this time he lets her go by but she can hear him tailing behind her. She finds herself a glass and fills it. It intensifies the ache as it remedies the dryness. Her face tightens with discomfort, a soundless wince. She has another glass anyways.
"Are you ready to go back to the infirmary?"
She is ready to go curl up in her own bed. She will let him figure that out for himself. Her bed is infinitely more comfortable and it gives her some sort of illusion of being less alone. The nurses don't check on her often enough for it to be worth staying in that dismal infirmary.
He follows her to her room but she closes the door on him before he can enter.
Sometimes she doesn't understand herself. She had just been brooding over her loneliness. Decidedly, Zuko isn't the company she wants. And it isn't as though he had come to visit her, he probably wasn't thinking of her at all. She just so happened to collide with him.
"Azula, let me in."
She lays down and pulls the covers up to her chin. She isn't sure if she will leave her bed again, she doesn't exactly have a reason to. Evidently, it is probably better if she doesn't. Perhaps enough space and time will allow for TyLee to move on and find someone who will treat her right, if she hasn't already. She wouldn't be surprised to find that she has. She is every bit as charming of personality as she is of face.
Azula thinks of that face; soft and kind and cheerful. Cheerful when she doesn't have to put up with a vicious princess. These days she looks more sullen, she is missing her spark.
.oOo.
Sitting by the windowsill had become a pass time for the princess since coming home from the institution. Mostly she looked out over the guards changing shifts or posts. Sometimes it was bright and sunny, other times rained. Occasionally there was a fog. She liked those days the most; they were gloomy in a distant way that she could connect to.
There was one day where she had observed with a sense of longing. It was the day that the Avatar and his friends came for a visit. She watched from the window as they lept off of the bison. They hugged and embraced. Even from a distance she could tell that Zuko was grinning from ear to ear.
She pressed her forehead to the windowpane and watched TyLee jump and flounce around with such a hyper vigor. She recalls thinking that she had never seen TyLee look so-what would she say?-pink of aura.
At that point she had been away from Azula for at least three years. Azula supposed that, that would be enough time to recover and rejuvenate.
It wasn't enough for her though.
She had been home for a little over a month but she couldn't say that she felt any better about any aspect of herself or her life. Of what she had become, of what was surely going to become of her.
She turned her attention back outward. She watched the group make merry until the sun fell. She could hear lively music. There was food and some bending banter. She only recalled that it was Mai's birthday when they started showering her with gifts.
This had become something of a routine; Azula would observe from afar, the joys and jubilance that occurred without her. And then she would go to sleep wishing that she was the sort of person who belonged at a party.
Each day that she observed TyLee, the girl seemed in good spirits.
And for a while she stayed that way, even after Azula emerged from her room, disheveled and distraught; loneliness and desperation reaching their peak.
The last time that TyLee was truly TyLee was the day before Azula had swallowed her pride to beg for another chance.
.oOo.
Azula concludes that she has taken and continues to take the gleam out of TyLee's eyes. Sucks the joy out of her life. TyLee is only a fourth of who she usually is when she is around her.
She tries to think of a time when she had made TyLee smile. She thinks that the last time was back when they were chasing down the Avatar together. She isn't sure that, that one was genuine.
She finds herself torn between going down to talk...have some kind of nonverbal conversation with TyLee and just letting things lie. It will be better for her if she can muster up the courage to visit TyLee. It is better for TyLee if she just marinates in her misery.
She promises herself that she will join them for breakfast in the morning, even if she can't eat it properly.
She promises herself the same thing the next day.
And the day after.
And the day after.
And the day after...