gemsofformenos: "No one seems to really care for her anymore." Yup, this one is a contrast from Yon Rah. In this one she's kind of alone with her pain for now. Because as you said, she pushed the people she cares about away. "Azula nor anyone else seems to have hope or an idea how to close this rift between Azula and the others." It's doubly hard for her with her voice gone. "A really painful aspect is the lack of care and the fact that all of them seem to have no clue anymore how badly she's suffering." And this too. They don't quite know the exact extent of what she's going through and how much it is bothering her. "Zuko had no idea that Azula seems to receive no care at the infirmary." As for this (I don't really have a spot to work it in) but she was getting care, at the infirmary. She was just asleep when they'd come to check on her lol. In that case she was just being impatient and anxious. But she's still very lonely and stressed. "Take care of you, have a wonderful day and keep on having fun with your stories." And thank you, you too. :)
alesana4ever: Thank you :) and it can go either way at this point. I haven't decided if it'll have a happy or sad ending.
It is only when she can bear the loneliness no more that Azula finally makes her way out of bed. Her lethargy is now less pain related and more so the product of mood. She can smell eggs and steamed rice as she nears the dining room. Zuko, TyLee, and Mai are well into their breakfast. They don't notice her until she slips into her chair. She gestures for a bowl and Zuko passes it to her.
She thinks that she would be eating in silence even if she didn't have to. Her gaze is fixed upon the bowl in front of her as though she can read the answers to her problems in the residue at the bottom of her bowl. Uncle mentioned that tea leaves could be used for divination, she wonders if she can foresee her life in a bowl of steamed rice. It is absurd to think about, but infinitely less painful than everything else.
They don't attempt to engage her in conversation and she begins to wonder if she feels more or less lonely when she is physically alone. She thinks that it is somehow worse to be around everyone and ignored.
Soon the bowl of rice and the steam that rises from it are distant to her own inner thoughts.
She hadn't realized that she hasn't actually taken a bite yet until Zuko softly asks, "are you going to eat?"
She nods and forces herself to take a bite or two but she finds that she isn't all too hungry. She pushes her barely touched bowl to the side, rises, and pushes her chair in. "Azula, wait." Zuko calls just as gently. She pauses but doesn't look back. "Come sit back down."
Azula hesitates before sitting down again.
"Are you doing better?"
She shakes her head.
"You look tired." TyLee notes.
At this Azula nods. She can't express just how tired she is. But resting her arms on the table and burying her head in her arms is a good start. She feels a hand rubbing her back, Zuko's most likely.
"You still can't talk?" She hears TyLee ask.
She lifts her head and gives it another shake, her expression dimming further. TyLee offers her a sympathetic frown and takes the princess' hand. She could cry and this time the tears would be born of relief. TyLee rubs the back of her hand and squeezes.
Azula reaches for her steamed rice and forces herself to eat at least half before pushing it to the side again.
Her stomach is still queasy as she clutches TyLee's hand back. She stands and gives the woman's hand a soft tug. She could use some fresh air. More than that, she could use some alone time with TyLee.
"Azula, where are we going? I'm not done eating."
Azula lets go and waits for her to finish. She thinks that the atmosphere might be less tense now. She chances to think that they aren't as furious with her as she had thought. At least TyLee and Zuko aren't. She can feel Mai's piercing stare. It isn't the first time. In fact, every time she falls back into old mannerisms, Mai treats her with a coldness that equals her own.
But this time is different. She can feel that it is. She thinks that she has messed up too many times now. That Mai's patience and trust have run out. It is different because she can't find the energy to spit venom back.
Maybe that is a good thing. She only garners deeper resentment when she does.
Maybe it truly is better if she never speaks another word. That she has done herself a favor in making it so.
"Do you want to go to your room, Azula?"
She shakes her head and points to the window.
"The garden?"
Azula nods.
"For a walk or do you just want to sit by the pond?"
Azula makes a walking gesture with her pointer and middle fingers. She stands up again and this time TyLee follows.
"You're really going to do this?" Mai sighs.
"It's just a walk, Mai."
"It's always just a walk." Mai scoffs. "Remember the last time you went on a walk. She spent it yelling at you for causing her to relapse. She got mad at you for making her mad at you."
"I don't think that she's going to do much yelling." Zuko remarks. Her stomach lurches.
.oOo.
The garden is particularly verdant today, the scents of the flora it teems with his lush and refreshing and makes Azula feel as though things might be okay after all. She reaches for TyLee's hand and her hope crumbles like a dead petal. "Not yet, Azula." It is in her tone, she is still angry. Unusually so and Azula is under the impression that she has only agreed to this walk so that they may, in some manner or another, converse in private.
She feels a flicker of agitation that dies away when she recalls that, that is what she had in mind as well. They walk side by side not attempting any sort of conversation at all for the longest time. Finally TyLee asks, "why do you always treat me like that?"
Azula tilts her head.
"You say that you love me and whenever I do something wrong…" she trails off. "You only love me when do everything right. You want me to be perfect…"
Azula holds a finger to her lips.
"No, Azula. It's not fair."
Azula presses that same finger to TyLee's lips. She doesn't find it endearing in the slightest. "Even when you can't talk, you interrupt me. Do you even care what I have to say?"
She flinches and nods.
"Then listen to me." She frowns. "You want me to be perfect…" Azula resists the urge to shake her head. "But I can't be. And I'm tired of trying. I arrange a nice picnic for you and there's still a problem."
Azula shakes her head.
"Yes, there is a problem, there always is with you."
She shakes her head again, that isn't what she means. She means that the problem wasn't TyLee. It never was. It usually isn't. But then she gives an affirmative nod; the problem is with her.
TyLee furrows her brows. Azula looks around for something to write with. She doesn't think that the gardeners would take well to her burning an entire conversation into the grass, and she certainly doesn't want it to be this one.
She settles for something simple. She reaches for TyLee's hand and mouths a sorry. She finds that it is easier to apologize when she doesn't actually have to bring the words out of her mouth. TyLee still pulls her hand away.
Azula swallows. Her belly burns with sorrow and rage. She doesn't know which takes precedence. She yearns to ask TyLee what she can do. Or perhaps longs to be able to speak her mind fully, that she doesn't want TyLee to be afraid of her. That she had been feeling doubtful on the day of their picnic and had expressed it exactly how her doctors advised against. And in doing so, she proved that TyLee was right to be afraid and mistrustful of her. That she knows it, she is aware and wants to fix it.
She can only grasp at her hand once more and mouth another apology.
TyLee looks no less angry and continues to walk. Azula doesn't follow, she doesn't see the point. She finds herself wandering in the opposite direction, towards the pond where she has a seat and stares into the water. It is so still, crystalline and pure. She tears her eyes away from the water and stares at her palms. She plucks a flower and twirls it between her fingers. And an idea comes to her.
TyLee likes flowers. Sometimes she sees Zuko bringing Mai flowers after a fight. She only has the one but if TyLee likes it, she can gather more. She hustles to catch up with her girlfriend and taps her on the shoulder.
"Oh, so you decided that you still want to hear me out?"
Azula presses her lips firmly together and holds out the flower. When TyLee doesn't take it, she gives her hand another small thrust. TyLee's face softens and she takes the flower. Azula smiles and TyLee sighs, "I guess that's a good start."
Azula smiles again. She thinks that maybe she understands love more than she thought she did. Perhaps not very well, but enough for it to mean something. "Are you still mad?" She mouths.
When TyLee's look of confusion doesn't subside Azula steps back and makes a fiery 'R' and then a 'U'. And finally, 'M-A-D'.
TyLee exahles again. "A little, yes."
Azula's face falls. She looks around, unsure of what else to do.
"Can we keep walking, Azula?" She asks. "I think that, that might help."
"Okay." Azula mouths. Her hand feels so empty. She eyes TyLee's. She lets the woman take the lead. They are back to walking quietly and it leaves the princess feeling abysmal and pessimistic. Absently, she finds herself slowing her pace. TyLee notices before she does. They simply stand again, quietly. Azula with her fists clenched and teeth gritted, eyes misty. She knows what's going to happen. She is going to be alone again. Alone and left behind. Just like the first time she relapsed. She is going to end up in the institution again and no one is going to visit her.
They aren't going to speak to her until she comes home with a hollow and distant look on her face. She is slipping. This time she notices it. Recognition has no worth when there is nothing to be done.
She feels TyLee's arms come around her and she chokes back her tears. "Do you want to go back inside?"
Azula nods. She would very much like that. And to go to bed.
"We can also sit in the garden if you want." TyLee offers. "I'd like to find more of these." She holds up the flower.
Azula takes a deep and shaky breath. And then another. TyLee waits for the princess' moment to pass. She nods again and walks with TyLee to the bench by the rose bushes. She grips the edge of the bench until her knuckles go white.
"You're going to be fine, Azula."
She nods. But only because TyLee has given her a break. She wonders if she really should have been cleared at all. She isn't stable. She isn't sure that she'll ever find stability again. She looks at TyLee. The woman gives a cheerful smile.
She has found stability.
She just isn't sure that she can keep it.