DAY 21 – CONSTRAINT
Chapter 24 – Old Habits
In many ways, bars, clubs and gambling halls were far more familiar places to Madesh than anywhere else. From the orphanage where Mother had left him, he had striven to use his gift to help him survive. From brokering deals in the orphanage's hallways to avoiding the worst of tasks in the workhouses his fellow 'orphans' were automatically fed into, he'd managed to develop his gift enough to escape that life, but had instead found his way into the brutal world of clans, gangs, gambling debts, and drug abuse. Some days he wondered if the workhouse would have been a better life for him, albeit that it would have been a shorter and more painful one.
Pain had been a huge part of his life, mostly in the form of beatings or the threats of them from those who had used his gift as a weapon. He'd simply been something attached to the ability to read people, and a part that had been far too willing to acquiesce to the demands of the violent bullies and murderers that had ruled so many non-Alliance towns in which he'd lived. Years of his life had been lost to dark seedy clubs and bars where he'd been dragged around by his collar and thrust at terrified victims, ordered to read their innocence or guilt.
And in the eyes of those victims and in his oppressors, he'd seen the very worst of lives, where mistakes only led to more mistakes, and where violence and manipulation were seen as the only way to avoid poverty and death.
But it had been his own soul reflected back from his own eyes in that broken mirror that had finally sent him fleeing from that life. Squeezing through a tiny open window, he had run and he'd not really stopped running since, not inside. At least, not until he met the Elite.
Now his life was dedicated to service, to do all he could to help those whose eyes had shown him how true power should be used: that the strongest, quickest, and most intelligent were tasked to better the galaxy and protect the weak and vulnerable.
However, that truth did not stop old habits of survival for Madesh. As he walked through the low lighting of the first mezzanine level in Myrtle's, he felt all his old instincts rear to life. His head lowered, he flittered his gaze around everyone he could see or hear, assessing everyone in lightening speed, looking for signs of violence, seeking out who was the most dangerous and therefore to be avoided. He could feel the nervous adrenaline in his system, heightened by each drunken fuelled wild laughter and chatter of those around him simply having fun. But for him, it was all too familiar and his body responded from a lifetime of survival instincts, begging him to watch everyone but to keep his eyes down and away from even the chance meeting another's direct gaze and triggering the full level of his gift.
Of course, here in Myrtle's the majority of the clientele were Alliance Military and he'd seen no violence here so far. But, that didn't stop him from assessing everyone around him, just in case.
A sharp loud laugh from near the trailing overlooking the dance floor caught at his attention and he shot his eyes that way, quickly assessing the woman and man stood at the railing, drinks in hand. A sudden and fast assessment of their postures, clothes, expressions, and that extra 'something' about people that he could detect even without looking into their eyes, told him that there was no threat.
He looked away from the couple and became aware of the breath he had been holding. He let it out, remembering the breathing techniques that the Honoured Elite had taught him. From his first days in the Healing Bay following his arrival at the Facility, he'd been taught how the breath links to the nervous system, which then links to the heart and brain. Apparently all Elite Recruits were taught the techniques from their days as children, and so Madesh focused on the calming deep breathing as he negotiated his way between shoulders and backs of the innocent patrons around him. Despite the busyness of this level, it was clear that the evening had not truly started yet in Myrtle's. A famous band was due to play live here later, and so the club actually had a relaxed patient vibe. People were simply talking and laughing with friends and colleagues, flirting with potential lovers and telling dramatic war stories.
There was no threat here.
The only threat that Madesh had anticipated had been Myrtle himself, as Honoured Elite Oneakka had tasked him with monitoring the club owner's behaviour towards Seeal. However, upon arriving at the club and being told that all of their party had free entry and drinks due to Seeal having identified a criminal in the club the last time they were here, Madesh had discovered that Myrtle wasn't in the club this evening. To be certain, Madesh had asked a security guard if he knew when Myrtle would be returning, making it seem like they simply wanted to thank the ex-Elite owner for their free drinks, and the guard had replied that Myrtle wouldn't be back for several days. Nothing but truthful disinterest had lingered around the guard, so it meant that Madesh did not have to worry about his mission this evening after all.
Which is why he had felt happy to leave Seeal with the rest of their 'Strays' group and head up to the washrooms alone. And yet, it was when he was by himself like this that the old habits kicked in more than usual. When with his new friends, he naturally felt more confident and safe, but, when alone and unprotected, the old fears always returned.
As he moved around a particularly busy table of club customers, he realised that his eyes were now completely lowered to the dark carpet under his boots as he made his way around the loud group. Honoured Elite Oneakka would not be pleased with him for such behaviour.
'Head up, shoulders back, and eyes forward' had been Honoured Elite Oneakka's constant instruction in the first months of Madesh's training. Repeating it to himself now, Madesh forced his eyes up from the floor, pulled his shoulders back, and looked forward as he headed towards the stairs that would take him back down to his friends.
'Feel the weight of your body. Occupy your space' Honoured Elite Oneakka's further repeated instructions played in Madesh's mind. He worked to let his shoulders relax and forced himself to keep his chin up and his eyes forward. He needed to walk like Honoured Elite Oneakka: confidently and believing in his skills.
It remained an active effort though as Madesh descended the stairs, but he could feel the subtle return of the confidence that Honoured Elite Oneakka had helped install in him during their training sessions.
'You do not live in the past. The past doesn't matter', Honoured Elite Oneakka had repeated to him. 'What you do now matters'.
That those instructions had been delivered whilst they had been sparring had imprinted the words very forcefully into Madesh's being, and he constantly replayed them to himself. The Mind Healers he had been meeting with every week since he'd recovered from Iketani' bullet, had repeated the same. That the past was unchangeable and that he had to focus on who he was outside of the abuse he'd been victim to throughout his life. That he could learn to move on from the shame he felt about his former actions and the truths of people's souls that he'd been forced to reveal by violent hands.
Still, he suspected that the shame would never go away. But, with Honoured Elite Nalla's help, he had begun to rewrite his own relationship with his gift. As a powerful Pelydrian empath, Honoured Elite Nalla truly understood the realities of having access to people's most intimate feelings and sense of self. Through her guidance, he had drawn up his own personal honour code, setting boundaries of what and when he would share what he sensed in those he read. The Elite had requested he read a great deal of people following the discovery of the spy and embezzler on the Sythus, but they had only ever asked him to confirm whether the crew were guilty or innocent of similar things. He had not been asked for more intimate detail than that, and Honoured Elite Nalla had helped him draw up an agreement with the Elite that officially set out his new honour code and detailed the few exceptions when he would breach it, such as when there was a risk to life. Madesh had felt desperately nervous when the agreement had been officially presented to the Elite, feeling the old nervous fear of oppressors even though Honoured Elite Nalla had drafted it with him, but within a day the answer came back that the Elite agreed to his terms. And so his life had become what it was now, he was a full crewmember of the Sythus working for the Elite and the betterment of the galaxy.
And his chance to redeem his debts of shame.
As he stepped down off the last step and onto the ground floor of Myrtle's, he let out a breath, feeling more confident for certain now. Especially as his friends were now in sight. He headed towards the table beside the dance floor and noticed that nothing had changed since he'd left for the washroom. Toj was still missing, no doubt off flirting with all the women in the club, Fleta and Numfar were sat on the far side of the table and were loudly teasing each other over the low background music. On the left side of the table sat the ever friendly and intelligent Nevaeh, who was talking with the new member of their group this evening, Inifee. Madesh liked Inifee, the pilot being very gentle and kind in his nature, so that just sitting near him made Madesh feel calmer, which was especially helpful as Inifee had been helping update his piloting skills. With the Sythus still in repair dock, all the crew were updating their qualifications and there had been daily practice drills. Rumours were that the Sythus' repair work was almost entirely complete and soon enough they would be deployed. Which made this evening's outing all the more important, for it was the first time in awhile that they had all been out together and perhaps the last for some time.
Madesh would be grateful for the opportunity for the mission ahead of them, whatever it was going to be, but he felt a little sad too as it would mean that he would be away from his closest, though perhaps strangest, of friends. As he sat back down in his chair, Madesh looked to Seeal sat on his right. They were perhaps not the most likely of friends, for where he was quiet and withdrawn, she was argumentative and outgoing, but their friendship was oddly easy and comfortable. He had made it clear to her from the start that he felt no romantic attraction towards hers, to which she had simply shrugged and told him the same. It was always that way with her, she said what was on her mind and, though jarring for many, he found it wonderfully relaxing to be around. There was also something reassuring in knowing that Seeal was rather like him, in that they had both led less than perfect lives until now and were now working to redeem themselves.
Plus, she was funny.
She made him laugh almost every day, and somehow he did the same with her. He had not considered himself funny before, being too cautious and contained to be that way, but he found it strangely easy to make her smile. She had told him more than once that the fact that they were so different to each other meant that just being themselves made the other laugh, and he had to agree there was some wisdom in that.
He was going to miss her so much when the Sythus left. He wondered if she would feel left behind when they all left on the mission without her.
As he sat back his chair, he focused on her face and decided that clearly this evening was not the time to ask such questions. She was not in a happy mood, but he hadn't had time alone with her yet to find out what was wrong. Clearly Ru had been trying to find out while Madesh had been away from the table, the engineer, clearly happy to be able to join them this evening, had been chatting away to Seeal since they'd all arrived at the table. However, Seeal was just as Madesh had left her, sat back in her chair, focused singly on her tall glass as she used the wooden stirring stick to stab at the pieces of fruit in the glass. Madesh didn't need his gift to see that she was stewing angrily over something.
Ru glanced at Madesh, a worried look creasing his expression as he said something else to Seeal, but there was no evidence that she was even aware of Ru talking to her.
It was overly obvious to everyone among their group that Ru had a substantial crush on Seeal, but that Seeal appeared completely oblivious of the fact. The rest of the Strays found it a subject of serious amusement, but no one outwardly teased Ru or Seeal about it. They said they didn't want to get involved and they weren't sure if Seeal would in fact return some interest if Ru ever built up the courage to properly convey his interest, but Madesh knew that they were in fact unwilling to upset Seeal. Seeal was honestly likely by the group, but they held a healthy respect for her.
Madesh though, thanks to his gift, knew for certain that Seeal was indeed unaware of Ru' affection and, quite frankly, hadn't appeared to even consider Ru in that light. In keeping with his new honour code, Madesh would never disclose that to either party or the rest of the Strays, but the ongoing dynamic remained a somewhat amusing thing to watch. Ru was currently looking worriedly at Seeal, chewing on his lower lip and clearly wishing he could be the answer to whatever problem Seeal was dealing with today.
Some days, Madesh could see that Ru was building the courage to express his interest in Seeal, but clearly it wouldn't be tonight; which was fortunate, because Madesh felt quite conflicted about the possibility and it presented one of the first true challenges to his new honour code. For, if Ru were to express his interest and actively pursue Seeal, then there was the real possibility that it would bring him in direct conflict with Honoured Elite Oneakka. Madesh was mostly certain that Honoured Elite Oneakka wouldn't hurt Ru, as he would never hurt an innocent, but coming into conflict with the powerful and infamous warrior would not bode well for Ru. The urge to warn Ru was a strong compulsion and teetered along the edge of the 'reveal if there is risk to life' part of the honour code, but Madesh had held off.
It was not his place to involve himself in such things, especially as there were no promises or intents between Seeal and Honoured Elite Oneakka. Though certain affections were very clear to Madesh, it did not give him the right to mention that private information to anyone else, even if it would help warn Ru. Besides, Honoured Elite Oneakka's attention was purely focused on his recovery and return to battle, and the affection he felt for Seeal seemed to be very much pushed aside.
Looking into Honoured Elite Oneakka's eyes and glimpsing what his gift had provided had been the most fascinating experience for Madesh. He'd never met anyone with such focus and will as Honoured Elite Oneakka. In his mind's eye, the gift had provided the imagery of the powerful warrior moving through chaos, fire, screams, and all manner of sounds and feelings that he'd lived through, but Honoured Elite Oneakka remained at the centre, striding through with single undisturbed focus. Despite all the horrors that the mighty warrior had faced, he could remain focused in a way that was almost superhuman. Madesh remained in awe of such skill, it being so different to his own path through life.
Yet, what worried Madesh, was if Ru were to become the focus of Honoured Elite Oneakka's disapproval. Even if the mighty warrior did not harm the engineer physically, there were still emotional dangers and the risk to the man's career. However, given that the Sythus would be leaving soon, taking Ru and the rest of the Strays away from Seeal, Madesh hoped that the problem would not occur any time soon.
What was very clear today was that Ru was not going to get through to Seeal to find out what was bothering her so badly, so Madesh would find out. He gave Ru a 'let me handle this' gesture and leaned towards Seeal's closest shoulder, through which she remained solely occupied by her fruit stabbing.
"Seeal?" He called louder than was strictly necessary and she jerked dramatically, looking round at him with a shocked glare.
"What?" She asked back.
"We should get some more drinks for everyone," he suggested.
She frowned down at her glass that was mostly empty, outside of the long stick speared with fruit, and then at the mostly empty glasses across the shared table. Her dark eyes returned to meet his with a faint frown that said she suspected his real motives.
"Fine," she agreed though as she leaned forward and set her glass on the table. "What does everyone want?" She asked the table.
A series of responses were greeted by her nods as she easily memorised the list as she stood up.
Madesh hadn't been able to hold the names of all the drinks, so he let her cover that and stepped away from the table, waiting for her. The orders gathered, she headed past him, leading the way in her dominant manner across the dance floor and through the space between the booths that ran under the overhanging mezzanine levels above. He followed her, though found his gaze shifting quickly around again, assessing the military visitors sat around the booths, once again seeking out the biggest and most threatening among them. Of course there were no threats, though he noticed quite a few appreciative male glances towards Seeal as she walked by them. Madesh suspected that her manner of walking, with her shoulders tall and wide yet relaxed, made her appear to be fellow military. Though, her grumpy glare and fast stride clearly put off any admirers approaching her this evening. She always shrugged off such advances anyway.
Heading out from the booths, they reached the second dance floor that overlooked the bar, but there were no dancers here yet, and most of the customers this side of the club were stood around the busy bar. Madesh didn't doubt that once the band arrived, that the place would be full. Though, he noticed that there was some movement up on the low stage at the far end of the dance floor, probably preparations for the live performance. He glanced forward again to see that Seeal had already reached the bar and had found a small wedge of space within the crowd stood waiting for one of the overworked bartenders to reach them.
Madesh shifted in near her, knowing she didn't mind him standing close to her. She had set her elbow into a tiny free space available on the bar top between the other customers on either side of her, and she sighed heavily.
"What's wrong?" He asked her directly.
"I'm fine," she clearly lied, her dark eyes shifting away to the hardworking bartenders.
"You seem angry," he tried, not needing to lift his voice too much here with no music playing near the bar.
"Well, that's because I am angry, but it's his damn fault," her reluctance to talk collapsed in a rush.
Ah, if it was a man that had upset her, then there was one usual culprit. "Honoured Elite Oneakka?" Madesh checked.
"Honoured?" She scoffed disrespectfully, but he knew she didn't truly mean it. Her respect and affection for Honoured Elite Oneakka was obvious to him, though his gift told him that she struggled with it. He wasn't sure how far to push for further information though, after all he did not want to tread into any personal matters between her and Honoured Elite Oneakka. But she seemed clearly upset, so he decided to follow Honoured Elite Oneakka's example and stayed quiet, waiting for her to supply more.
"He's an idiot," she stated next. "A rude idiot." She was angrily glaring now. "You know, he wouldn't dare say anything like that to Halling or Massa."
"Honoured Elite Halling," Madesh corrected for her quietly. "Honoured Elite Massa."
"It's because I'm female," she stated, well into the flow of her argument now and requiring no responses from him.
However, the reference to her gender was a very new element to her arguments with Honoured Elite Oneakka. As far as Madesh had seen, Honoured Elite Oneakka had never been prejudicial towards women, as he demanded the highest standards from everyone alike.
"They fuss around him far more than me," she insisted. "You should see them. 'Yes, Oneakka, whatever you want, Oneakka'," she mimicked.
"Honoured Elite Oneakka," Madesh whispered while trying not to smile at her comical impression.
"It's because I stand up to him and he's all vulnerable and freaking out."
Madesh frowned. He wasn't entirely sure he was following the explanation now, and 'freaking out' was not a description he would ever attribute to Honoured Elite Oneakka. "He is freaking out about what?" He asked.
"About dust, apparently," she replied.
"Dust?" He asked doubtfully. Surely he had misheard.
"All sensitive about it," she muttered.
"Sensitive?" Madesh repeated the next unexpected word. He struggled to conceive of Honoured Elite Oneakka being sensitive about anything.
"He has no right to use that word," she continued, "Just because I'm female and cleaning up dust!"
So it had been a single word that had upset her. Had perhaps Honoured Elite Oneakka sworn at her? Though, Madesh couldn't imagine Seeal getting so upset about something like that, given the kind of language that had been used against her throughout her life. He had seen people use very bad language around her in previous clubs, but it had never fazed her before. It must surely have been a very nasty word to have gotten to her this much.
"What word?" Madesh asked curiously, wondering if she would even be able to repeat it.
"I'm not some domesticated weakling. I'm not helping him anymore," she stormed on though. "You try to help someone and they just turn on you. Cuddly Bear of Moor my backside. He's the worst kind of speckled ice that man."
Madesh frowned at that, not entirely sure what that meant, but she often started to refer to ice and snow analogies when she was emotional. It was presumably a Glisi thing. "Speckled ice?" He asked.
She glanced round. "What?"
"What's speckled ice?" He asked, trying not to find the discussion a little amusing now.
She blinked as if she hadn't realised she'd used the phrase. "It's how frozen water can look and you can't tell how thick the ice is as you move across it. Can't tell if it's cracked through and is going to suddenly break under you and plunge you into cold icy water where nasty things could be swimming," she explained.
That definitely didn't sound safe at all. "So Honoured Elite Oneakka is unpredictable of late?" He interpreted the description.
"Huh! Unpredictable? He's all smiling one minute and then insulting you for cleaning up dust the next."
Smiling?
"Well I agree that it is very unfair for him to insult you for cleaning up dust," he agreed.
"I'm no one's wife!" She stated angry again.
The conversation had taken an unexpected turn there.
"I helped bring down one of the hardest, stupidest, most violent gangs on Myas," she stated loudly as she jabbed one finger hard against her slither of bar top. The customers leaning against the bar on either side of her noticeably shifted a little further away from her.
"I once fought for two hours in a pit fight," she continued. "It was the longest fight ever on record and I had to break both her hands in the end to win, so no one will ever tell me that I'm a dust cleaning up wife!"
Ah. Now he understood.
He wasn't entirely sure of the situation during the 'argument', but Honoured Elite Oneakka had indeed found a very effective insult to use against Seeal. Still, Madesh wondered if the term was a little telling of itself, as was Seeal's especial emotional reaction to it.
"Of course you are not," Madesh confirmed firmly for her. "No dust would stand a chance against you."
She snapped her eyes to him with a frown.
"No fleck of dirt could ever stop you," he continued and her frown slid into the start of a faint smile.
"I imagine that whatever room it was that you cleared of dust will never even conceive of gathering more dust again in its lifetime," he pushed on, feeling her mood start to shift.
She rolled her eyes and looked away, but she was smiling, albeit reluctantly.
She looked back round. "Don't you dare tell me I'm overreacting," she threatened, but it was actually a question.
He smiled at her. "That would place me on speckled ice," he replied.
Her smile reached her eyes before she rolled them again and then glanced down the length of the bar, checking for the progress of the bartender, but he saw her let out a calmer sigh. And in that sigh, he saw the anger slip away and the true anxious hurt beneath ripple to the surface.
He waited for her to process it and look back round at him, and as she did, her eyes met his and held directly, allowing his gift to fully trigger. In his mind, the flashing image echoed of Seeal stood proud, alone, and defiant in the snowy forest of her people.
He blinked and the flecks of falling snow disappeared, leaving her stood once again in the club. But, though the thick pelts to keep out the freezing cold were now her figure hugging clothes, and the hunting bow across her back was her dark hair lying across her shoulder, she remained the same.
"I can assure you, my friend," Madesh told her seriously, "that of all the women, in all the galaxy, you are the last that would be considered tamed of your wild nature."
Her eyebrows lifted, clearly taken back by his words. It wasn't unusual for people to react that way when he told them something related to what his gift had shown him, but she was rarely one to be shocked by anything.
The shock didn't last long though as she considered his words. "Wild nature?" She repeated thoughtfully. "I like that," she smiled.
Of course she would.
"Good," he smiled back. "Do you think you can try to enjoy yourself now?"
"I always enjoy being around you," she told him matter-of-factly.
Madesh grinned, happy he had been able to help her feel better, but that she too valued their friendship so highly. Though, he mused, had she said the same to Ru then the poor man would probably pass out from delight.
Space had opened up along the bar to Seeal's right and a bartender stepped up to take her order. As Seeal relayed the list of drinks, the bartender speedily tapping in the order into an electronic pad, Madesh stepped up next to her, settling his forearms on the cool bar top. The order relayed, the bartender began hurriedly preparing drinks and Seeal looked round.
"Thank you for listening," she told him.
"Any time, my friend," Madesh assured her. He really was going to miss her when the Sythus left.
"But I'm still not forgiving the big Elite oaf," she added though, looking back to the growing collection of drinks.
"Honoured Elite oaf," Madesh replied, regretting the insult to Honoured Elite Oneakka, but Seeal's responding laugh was worth it.
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John was vaguely aware of the courtyard still, of the warmth of the sun and the soft delicate breeze gently shifting the plant leaves around him, but his mind drifted. Dozing in the sun was something he hadn't done in awhile and it was real peaceful here in Chaya's home. If a temple courtyard could be considered a home.
He'd had tons of 'homes' he'd not really thought of that way: barracks, tents, and foxholes in the sand. And there had been Antarctica.
The sunlight against is closed eyes, he vividly remembered flying a chopper low over the snow, the blades casting dramatic shadows over the icy ground. It felt like an age since he'd flown like that, alone and totally focused to control any tiny movement of his body. It wasn't like that with a Jumper, which was almost effortless. But, as easy as flying a Jumper was, he missed the physical rush of controlling a chopper or the overwhelming Gs in a fighter.
Somewhere a bird called and the ice slid away as John blinked his eyes open and lifted his chin from his hand. Straightening up on the bench, he felt his back crack slightly, easing tension, and he looked at his watch. It was almost time to give up. Colonel Carter had given him two hours and it was almost time to go.
He headed out from the little sitting nook and peered around the rest of the courtyard. "Chaya?" He called out, his voice faintly echoing against the stone walls.
But there was still nothing.
He held still, listening closely, but there was just that bird singing somewhere and the warm sunshine.
Moving around the courtyard, he checked every corner again, but nothing had changed since he'd gotten here. If she'd been here while he'd been dozing, he was pretty sure he'd have heard her. Though she was an Ancient, so she could probably move around quietly in that big bright cloud she became.
He turned on the spot.
It wasn't like she had a schedule he could fit himself into, so maybe she just wasn't here. Maybe she was off on some distant part of Proculus and didn't even know he was visiting. Or she was off in whatever place the Ancients had ascended to?
Or, maybe, she just didn't want to see him...
Maybe she knew about Teyla and why he was here.
Perhaps Colonel Carter and the General were right and she wasn't allowed to tell him anything so she was just not showing up.
"Chaya?" He called out. "Please can we talk?" He turned on the spot, looking up at the open air above the courtyard, the glorious summer's day overhead. It was always a nice summer's day when he visited. He stared up at the beautiful sky, wondering if it took her a lot of effort to always make that happen. If you could control the weather, what was meeting up with an ex who had moved on with a new Elite wife?
His watch bleeped that his time was up.
"I've gotta go," John said to the empty air. If she really wasn't here or was maybe still thinking about showing herself, it would be worth him coming back again. "I'll come back in a few days," he decided, "see if you're here." He felt a little stupid talking to nothing, but maybe if he was persistent...
He headed for the way out of the yard. "I'll see you soon," he called into the open space.
As he reached the archway, a soft breeze stirred behind him, loose soil dancing around his boots and tickling up through his hair. He turned quickly, the air moving over him, but there was still nothing to see.
Just her courtyard and the ridiculously tall and healthy plants.
For a second though, he could almost believe that she was there, just out of reach...or maybe it was just his hopeful imagination.
00000
TBC