Guest: Thank you :)
yayokb: Now there's a mood lol.
The fit she throws isn't the one that Seicho had expected. What she had expected were pillars of fire and a barrage of cutting words, etched heavy-handedly into the sand. She thinks that the one she got is infinitely worse.
They are miles away from the volcano and the woman knows it. She sees it in her mute screams of frustration and rage. Those soundless cries put a unique sense of discomfort in her like no other at all.
The woman is truly suffering in silence in every sense of the phrase and Seicho wonders if it is even possible to relieve her of it. She tries anyways. Tries despite how much the woman must irreparably and unapologetically resent her.
The woman's face is red, strained, tearstained. Seicho pulls her into her arms and squeezes. Tighter than she has ever. Tighter than she has even held her own sister. She couldn't save her from herself. She can't save this woman from herself either. But she can at least try to get this woman to try to save herself.
She presses the woman's cheek against her chest. Her sobs send tremors through Seicho's body. She is somehow tense and limp all at once. And those tears; she wishes that the woman could make a sound, it would be so much less unnerving.
All the same she doesn't want to even imagine how tormented they would sound.
Seicho doesn't know what else to do she rests her head on the woman's and rubs her back over and over again until her cries let up at least a little. She is so terribly broken. Behind all of that resentment and beneath-the-surface rage is mountains of hurt. Perhaps fear. Certainly hopelessness. The only sound she hears are the woman's soft, gasping breaths and occasionally small wheezes that are perhaps what is left of her ability to vocally cry. She hates these the most, they sound painful. She hopes that they aren't truly so, the woman is in enough pain.
"Let's get you back home." Seicho finally says after at least twenty more minutes of letting the woman weep freely. "Your brother's probably worried."
'He doesn't care about me.' She drags her pointer through the dirt. Her hand is still shaking, Seicho feels it when she takes it in her own.
"We'll see about that." Seicho mutters softly as she scoops the woman into her arms once more. She huffs, even with a good break, the woman is growing quite heavy in her sore arms. With luck she will begin walking on her own again soon.
Though it would seem that she has thrown all of what was left of her energy and motivation into getting to that volcano. She is fresh out of willpower.
.oOo.
It is strange to be back on Fire Nation land. The sand sifts like snow but it is so very different. Everything is different really; where the tribes had smelled, pure, fresh, and clean, the Fire Nation is tainted. Not necessarily in a bad way but the air isn't pure it is dashed heavily with smoke and spices and cooked meat, there is a bite of sulfur that she is no longer used to.
It is loudner too, much more bustling and clamoring. Where there had been arctic fox yowls and yips there is now the howl of vendors shouting over one another to draw attention. The crunch of snow beneath feet is swapped out for the crunch of gravel beneath carts.
More people are out and about and TyLee almost longs to get right back on the airship and take Tuya's offer to visit again. She knows that she will eventually, just not so soon.
Evidently, she isn't sure where she is going to go now. She isn't sure what the Fire Nation can possibly offer her when all of the real excitement is to be had in the frigid mysteries of the poles and their glaciers.
Maybe she will go back to performing. Perhaps theater or dance or try to join a band and sing. That is what she will do, she decides. She will dabble in everything that she can, try a bit of this and then a bit of that until she finally discovers which hobbies suit her best.
Until she discovers what she truly loves not what she has been forced or coerced into loving.
Once she does that, she will muster up the courage to confront Mai.
Just maybe she will find the bravery to confront Azula again, this time unwaveringly.
And perhaps she will end up severing old bonds completely.
It might be that, that is part of the healing process.
.oOo.
Seicho cares for her much more than she ought to. She does most of the foraging and cooking. She sets up all of the shelters. Occasionally Azula lights a fire for her. But mostly Azula lays quietly. Resigned. There isn't really anything for her to do. She hasn't anything to work for, nothing to aspire to be. She doesn't have the compulsion to find anything. She has no purpose nor capacity to care. And yet she has failed to end herself and, by extension, the expanse of bleak and unremarkable nothingness laid out in front of her.
She sits with her legs drawn up to her chest and stares almost unblinkingly into the fire.
"We're about a day away from the beach." Seicho remarks. "The one we met on."
She had gotten the point the first time. Perhaps Seicho thinks her stupid. And perhaps Seicho is right. She doodles lazy spirals in the dirt.
"How can I help you?" Seicho asks. "I want to, but I don't know how."
Azula shrugs. She isn't sure either. She isn't sure that she wants help. She might very well like to watch herself fall and fall until she falls away completely. There is the faintest little itch, a residue of her former self that compels her to cling on for just a little longer.
It is easy to shut out.
But Seicho doesn't let her. She takes her hand and holds it against her cheek. Azula isn't sure what the gesture is supposed to mean. A sign of affection probably, but Azula isn't used to that anymore. Isn't sure how to take it.
"I'm glad that you didn't make it up that volcano."
For the first time in a few days Azula responds. She replies with a simple, 'why'.
Seicho shrugs. "I just like you. I just have a feeling, ya know?"
She doesn't.
"I like telling you stories." She continues. "You're the only one who listens. I mean really listens. Everyone pretends to listen to me they say 'mmhmm' and 'yeah' but they don't really listen. They always talk over me…"
Then Azula supposes that she has found the perfect companion.
"And you don't do that."
She makes out to scrawl a, 'because I can't', but Seicho continues. "You might not be able to talk but you can still ignore me…"
Oh she highly doubts that…
"But you don't. I bet that if I asked you to repeat everything we've talked about you'd be able to write it all out. Because you don't just listen, you pay attention."
Finally she writes, 'people know how to ignore you?'
"They're really good at it."
'Maybe they can teach me.'
Seicho laughs. Azula isn't sure if it is a bitter laugh or a genuine one. "Thanks for listening to me ramble. I guess it was kind of a hostage situation."
Azula nods, indeed it was. Though she supposes it was probably one of the better wastes of her time. At least this time around her failure won't result in raised voices and shaming words.
Seicho is unusually quiet for a very long time before she finally asks, "do you really want to go?"
Azula furrows her brows.
"If you want to...you know, I'll let you do it. I won't leave until it's over but I'll let you do it. If it hurts that much…"
It takes her a moment to put two and two together and her stomach grows queasy when she does.
"I mean I don't want you to but I guess that it's kind of cruel to make you live if…"
Azula shakes her head. She doesn't think that the woman means it. She can't, not after everything.
"So, is that what you want?"
Azula swallows. Suddenly she isn't so sure. She is sure of one thing, she just wants everything to stop hurting.
Seicho seems to smile. "It isn't, is it?"
At last, Azula shakes her head no.
Seicho grins wider, "I was hoping that you'd say that." And then much quieter, "I had a feeling that you would."
More than anything, Azula just wants the pain to stop. She just wants to feel loved and lovable. She just wants to stop hurting everyone around her. A sense of control would be really nice too and a touch of dignity and honor. Confidence.
But first things first.
She lets Seicho give her a small squeeze before she pulls out her parchment and brushes. Slowly and elegantly she scrawls upon the parchment, 'Azula.'
Seicho cocks her head and Azula points to herself. Seicho smiles, "your name is Azula?"
She nods.