When Seicho mentioned that her brother had a ship and was a captain, she had anticipated a much larger vessel. What she comes to discover is that it small and that there are only two beds (and the one in Zhang-Zin captain quarter) and Seicho, vicious as a tigerdillo, has already claimed one of them. Not only has she claimed it but she has spread herself out upon it like a starfish and whenever either she or Zuko gets near, she snaps up and tackles them.
Azula thinks to fight the woman for it, but she is also beginning to think that it will be more trouble than it is worth considering how short the boat ride to the mainland will be anyhow. She thinks that she is letting the woman get too brave around her. She doesn't want to be off puttingly intimidating but she also can't have Seicho thinking that she is in charge.
No less she finds herself wandering over to the remaining bed. Zuko refuses to leave it and she refuses to sleep on the floor. "What are you doing!?" He jolts up right as she makes herself cozy under the covers.
'Oh relax, Zuzu.' She mouths as she fishes out her parchment. 'It'll be like when we were kids and you climbed into my bed after one of your nightmares'.
Zuko groans, "fine, whatever. Just don't hog the blankets."
She will make a point of collecting as much of the blanket as she can possibly wrap around herself. Regardless of how many blankets she has herself swaddled in, she isn't exactly comfy; Zirin snores and Zuko has smacked her stomach at least thrice now-and once, very nearly in the face-while thrashing about in his sleep. He hasn't even noticed that she has taken all of the blankets for herself as some form of payback. It is less payback now and more so extra padding to take the brunt off of his sleep kicks.
Most of them are only mild annoyances, but when he gives her calf a decently hard kick she elbows him in the ribcage until he wakes up. And he does so with a start. "What's going on? Where are Zhao and his koi fish steed?"
Azula quirks a brow and writes, 'as far as I've been told, he's at the bottom of the ocean somewhere in the poles.'
Zuko rubs his face and shakes the sleep from his head. "You didn't have to wake me…"
'I did.' She insists. 'You kept punching me. You're lucky that I didn't shove you off of the bed.' She frowns.
Zuko rubs the back of his head and grumbles as apology. Azula inhales through her nose, grabs a handful of blankets, and flops back onto the mattress.
"We're not going to be getting any sleep tonight, are we?"
Azula feels for her parchment, missing several times before she finally takes hold of it. Without looking at him she holds up a big and bold, 'No.'
Albeit, she has had worse nights. At least this time, the things that keep her awake are external rather than an onslaught of unkind, miserable thoughts. Though being awake gives plenty of time for those to work their way in, steadily and creepingly.
The thought of going home is suddenly very unpleasant. No doubt she will run into Mai-a fury builds in her chest and heats her face. No doubt she will run into TyLee-and that resentment turns into regret and dread. And hurt.
And maybe she deserves hurt, as much of it as life can give her. She grips the blankets tighter, she could have sworn she was over this feeling. Yet, she had never truly confronted it at all, had she? She scrawls another little something on the parchment.
'Are you still awake?' She dangles it in front of his face, occasionally flapping it about.
"Yes, I'm awake." He snactches the parchment and rolls over to face her. "What?" His annoyance would be laughable if she wasn't feeling so uneasy and distraught. His face seems to soften, "what's wrong?"
Azula glances over at Seicho, she thinks of waking her up too. The spoiled little beast.
"Having second thoughts about going home?" He guesses. She wonders if he finds it entertaining to see her expirening the same conflict that he had so long ago. But then, it isn't home that she dreads, it is old friends. Old lovers.
"We don't have to go home right away? We can just get some things and we can head off to find the spirit."
But that's just it, she wants to get it over with. She wants to see TyLee and Mai again. She wants it as much as she dreads it and she writes as much. Zuko nods, "yeah, maybe it would be better for you to get some closure first so you can take the jungle with a clear head."
Azula nods. And maybe she can finally shake away some of the guilt and anger that has been weighing her down. That has been eating away at her without mercy or pause. He doesn't understand how truly crushing it is…
She supposes that she can get him too. She feels like she has to. Because every now and then she still thinks of pitching herself overboard. Mostly when there is no one to talk to her or keep her mind occupied.
'Can I tell you about my hike?' It is a stupid question. Of course she can't tell him, she will have to scribble it all down.
He gets the point, "yeah, go ahead."
She has already begun detailing her adventure with Zirin, right down to her death wishes and her grand failed attempt to fulfill them.
She knows exactly when he gets to first mention of death because his eyes go wide. And she knows when he comes to suicide climb up the side of the volcano by his cringe and the tightening of his grip on the parchment. He sets it aside, "you didn't. Tell me you didn't?"
She holds up her arms, still scraped and bruised from her careless ascent.
She doesn't expect him to take her into his arms and squeeze her tightly. She doesn't expect it but she doesn't resist when it happens. In face, Azula fiend herself sinking into his embrace. It settles once and for all, as he rubs up and down her back with Zirin's snores for background noise, that she doesn't want to die. That she just wants to feel loved. Loved and happy and, if she is lucky, safe.
"It's going to work out, you'll see."
She isn't so sure, but at least she has one thing now that she didn't have before.
Support.
"TyLee isn't the type to stay mad, I think that she just wants you to realize that you hurt her and that you can't do that. She doesn't hate you, she told me that much." Zuko smiles.
And Azula realizes that she had two things that she didn't have on her first journey.
Support and hope.