1

Heaven

At the beginning everything was ok.

Yes, Dean had felt a vacuum inside him, like something that wasn't entirely ok, but then, he hadn't had it clear, Sam appeared. In that moment, Dean thought that he just could live happily ever after, like in a freaking fairytale.

And he did that.

Everything was ok.

He had Sam, Bobby, his parents, Baby... He had everything he had ever wanted. He remembered that episode in his life when he lived a fantasy thanks to a genie. But, just like in that occasion, he believed that something was missing.

Yeah, everything wasn't ok.

But what was failing?

At the beginning, Dean didn't want to think about that. It was better to go on, enjoy the fact that, for first time in forever, he had everybody he loved with him. So, he drove a lot, he visited his parents, Bobby, even Sam and Eileen... The problem was that his brother and sister-in-law and their happiness disturbed him. It was terrible, Dean knew it, but he couldn't avoid it.

Why was he feeling that?

Why was he that terrible even in Heaven?

Through those days, Dean couldn't help the idea, the terrible idea, of he being in Heaven just because he knew people. Jack, exactly. He didn't know how many days he spent worrying about that, because time in Heaven was weird, but eventually he decided to visit his brother at his home. That day, Sam was busy playing Scrabble with his wife. Judging by his expression, he was loosing which made Dean smile. Sammy used to think he was the smartest guy in the room, so Dean considered just as funny as fair that Eileen was beating him.

"Kicking his ass, ugh?" was his greeting.

"As always, but our Sam never gives up." The woman talked with her hands.

"Eh, eh, you don't win all the times." Sam protested, as a spoiled child, at least until Eileen raised an eyebrow. Then, he added with a crossed grimace. "Ok, fine, ninety-ten percent." Sam looked at him. "Everything's fine?"

"Well, actually I... er... I..."

The marriage exchanged a knowing look, which seemed the cue to leave the room for Eileen. The woman stood up, kissed Sam on the cheek and, then, set a hand on Dean's shoulder. She was encouraging him and Dean needed it because if there was something that he did terrible, it was expressing his feelings. He didn't even know how to start.

"What's wrong?"

"Me... I think."

"You? Wrong? Why?"

"Do you feel happy, Sam?"

"Absolutely. You don't?"

"Well... I do, of course, but... not like you or Eileen or mum and dad... I... I don't know, I kinda... eh..." Dean closed his eyes, tired of his own stupidity. Why has he such a fool? "I think something's not going well with me."

"Are you feeling sick?"

"No."

"Then?" Facing Sam's question, Dean just could pronounced some noises, while his fingers were sliding onto his short hair. His little brother dampened his lips with patience. "Maybe you could... you know, develop it better. With actual words."

"It's like I'm missing something. I'm not... chill, like all of you, guys."

"Well, maybe you need to talk. I mean, we defeated Chuck, said goodbye to Jack and, then, we started hunting and you died. Have you ever talked about everything that happened? It was quite hard stuff, Dean."

No, he didn't talk about that. Not with Sam, not with Bobby when he arrived at Heaven. At the beginning it was because he didn't want to. It was too difficult. He didn't know what was real or if he had ever had some freedom. And then... well, he had done terrible things. He was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself if it could save Sam and Castiel... Cas... Dean had made a great effort, the biggest in his life, in order to not think about him, his disappearance and everything he had said during his farewell.

"Did you talk with Eileen?"

Sam nodded, slow. Then, he was quiet for a few seconds.

"Not at first. When we found her after Jack's restoration, I just wanted to be with her, to enjoy her, but then you died. I wasn't fine, Dean. I felt lonely, I didn't know what made sense anymore... I didn't want to do it in that moment either, but I almost screwed all up, you know? I was in denial. It was like... I don't know... Like if I said it at loud, it was real... I was in a dark place, I almost killed myself hunting and we had a fight. And, then... we talked. A lot. We decided to stop hunting and to have a family and some peace... not in that order, but she got pregnant soon."

Dean saw himself in those words.

He had always been better at hunting than at talking.

"I don't like thinking about what happened."

"I know, Dean, but sometimes we have to do uncomfortable things."

"But it is not just that! I made awful things, Sammy. What I said to Jack, what I did to him... I was angry and lost, but he didn't deserve it. I was a jerk to him and what is it my punishment? An updated Heaven to make me happy! I don't deserve it! I don't deserve anything of it!"

"Dean, that's not true."

"Cas shouldn't have died to save me! I'm not worth it! For God's sake, I died a few days later in a stupid fight! He condemned himself to a fate worse than death and my way to honour that was dying! I didn't even try to save him, Sam!"

On those days, he didn't want to think about Cas because, in the moment he even thought about his name, the only thing Dean saw was his face, with his blue eyes covered in blissful tears, while he was saying that he loved him. Incredible. After all, Cas loved him. It wasn't like Dean deserved love.

Sam focused on his own hands.

"I regret that too."

"It's not the same."

"I guess. But... he was my friend too and he saved me..."

"You don't get it."

"Then explain it to me, Dean! I want to help you!"

"The only reason I didn't immediately go to the Empty was that Cas said he loved me, Sam. I'm that awful of a human being! He said he loved me and my reaction was to hide myself in the family business. I abandoned him!"

It was obvious that Sam didn't know how to react. He hadn't even expected something like that and Dean just could feel embarrassment. His cheeks were, probably for first time ever, red. In front of him, Sam leaned down on his chair, messing his hair with a hand.

"Dean... I'm not going to say that you did it well, but... you were confused and scared." Sam stared at his eyes. "Had you ever though that Cas could feel that way?"

"No, of course not! Did you...?"

"It was quite obvious."

"What?"

"Do you remember when he left because you two were angry? You were... devastated. Eileen and I talked about that. She said that you two looked like a couple in the middle of a crisis."

"What?"

"And... I don't know, Dean, there were a lot of signs."

"Yeah, signs for regular people, not dummies."

"You're not..." Sam stopped talking and he decided to go to the fridge. He came back to the table with two beer bottles. When he sat down again, he asked "What do you feel, Dean? You know it's ok not to love him back and to do it."

Dean opened his mouth, then he closed it.

If he thought about love, he felt quite... disturbed. In his life, he had had clear a bunch of things, but others were a mystery. He had felt love, of course. He loved his baby brother, his parents, Bobby, Charlie, Jody... but romantic love... That was a completely different story. Had he ever fell in love? He had had relationships, yeah, but all of them had been about sex, not about love. Even with Lisa wasn't love. He had wanted that story to work. He had wanted to have all that he was supposed to desire, like a pretty wife, a cool kid and a beautiful house with a garden. But the truth was that it didn't work. Not for him. Just like Heaven. Maybe it was his destiny, to be the weird one, a wanderer forever.

"I don't know, Sammy..."

"You really don't?"

"I've been thinking lately... I only had two relationships, remember? With Casey first and then Lisa and they didn't work. So... was it me or Chuck? Did he make me like that? Did he make me a disaster with people? Or was it the way we were raised? Or what? I'm... I'm really confused, Sam."

"Did he make you straight when maybe you're not? Do you realise that you can like or love both, right?"

"I'm not a caveman."

"That's not historically..." Sam closed his lips, nodding. "That's not important. And Chuck neither. What it's important, Dean, it's what you feel. Right now. What do you feel about Cas, Dean?"

"The only thing I know is that I miss him."

"Then try talking to him. He's free, right?"

Dean nodded. After that, he finished the beer, said goodbye to his brother and went back to his little Heaven house. When he was ready, he kneeled next to his comfortable and big bed, while he was closing his eyes again and lacing his fingers. He was going to pray again. He was opening his mouth, when he heard something at his back.

"Hello... Dean."

Well, that's it for this week. I hope you've enjoyed it. I will submit the next chapter in two weeks, so you'll see you soon.

Thank you for reading!

Next chapter: The return