A/N: Back in July, CommanderRaydorSass reached out to me and suggested that I'll give Sharon a support system that we weren't told about on the show. At the time, I was writing chapter 22 and I promised I'll consider her idea because it made a lot of sense that if I was rewriting the show, I'd round Sharon up a bit. The idea was so planted in my mind that as I wrote chapter 23, the original character simply added itself to the story in a very organic way, and provided me an opportunity to explore Sharon's relationship outside of the show. The original character in this chapter is the first of two that I wrote for season 3. I'd love your feedback on this character.

Also, I'd like to thank the ever-so-lovely and talented blossom-of-snow for beta reading and editing this story. I can't thank her enough for her tremendous help and commitment to this ongoing project. Deciding to re-write the whole show from start to finish is a huge thing for me, and blossom's willingness to go through this process with me is admirable.

Sharon watched Rainie reject a call from her mother and shut off her phone. The disappointed expression on the girl's face was heartbreaking. Sharon remembered her frustration with Jack when he fell off the wagon for the first time, and then the second. After that, Sharon expected it to keep happening. It took a third attempt for him to be able to take it more seriously than he had done in the past, and for the short time before he left, Sharon thought they would eventually be able to overcome Jack's addiction and be a normal family at last. To watch Rainie's hopes shatter so brutally because of her mother's failure to stay sober only mere hours after getting out of rehab was devastating.

Sharon Beck had seemed serious about rehab when she came to PAB to make amends with Sharon and Rainie. She maintained that façade during Sharon and Rainie's visit with her that weekend. However, a couple of weeks later, when she had given Rainie a forged prescription for hydroxyzine, it became clear that sobriety was no longer on Sharon Beck's mind.

When Rainie returned home earlier that day and told Sharon of the fight she had with her mother during which she called Rainie a slut and blamed her for her addiction, Sharon was furious. Jack had always done the same thing to her, blamed her for his shortcomings. He said that he needed to drink because she was never kind to him. It took her years to free herself of the guilt he dumped on her. Since Rainie was dealing with the same situation, Sharon found herself reliving the difficult memories of the fear that Jack will drink too much again, or get into an eventually fatal fight with another drunk.

"I am not responsible for your drinking, and I am not driving you to the halfway house," Rainie's words to her mother echoed in Sharon's ears several minutes after the girl exclaimed them.

Sharon was impressed with the girl's ability to deflect Sharon Beck's attempts at putting the blame on her daughter's shoulders rather than accepting responsibility for her actions. She wished that she would have stood up to Jack the same way, rather than accepting the blame for his addiction for so many years.

"I know it feels horrible," she said as she moseyed around her desk and walked towards the couch Rainie was sitting on. "But I'm so proud of you for standing up to your mother, Rainie." She took a seat by the girl's side. She wasn't sure where Rainie gleaned such wisdom, but it wasn't from her. If anything, it was the other way around.

"It sucks," the girl sighed and closed her notebook.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this," Sharon replied. "But what you said to your mother, about taking responsibility for her actions – it's truly inspiring."

"How so?" Rainie wondered.

"Jack always blamed me for his addiction, and I always took the blame and felt like he must have been right. But that's just classic addict behavior. And hearing you call your mother out on her behavior tonight, it gives me hope that one day I can do the same with Jack, too."

"Why does it matter? He's not even around," Rainie said.

"It matters because I spent a big part of my adult life taking the blame for something that wasn't my fault. Guilt is like a prison of dark thoughts, and I don't want to feel like that anymore," Sharon explained. "And I don't know how comforting it is, but if it helps, just know that you helped me realize something important about myself and that I am grateful to you for that."

"You're exaggerating," Rainie protested.

"Do I ever exaggerate?" Sharon arched one eyebrow, and Rainie groaned and admitted that Sharon has rarely ever blown anything out of proportions. She leaned her head against Sharon's shoulder and sighed softly.

"It does make me feel better, Sharon. Thank you," she spoke.

"I'm glad," Sharon replied and kissed the crown of the girl's head.

Rainie's declaration that her mother's addiction was not her fault stayed in Sharon's head throughout the night. Even though Jack has been sober for over a decade, he was still a gambler who actively refused to acknowledge that he had a problem with gambling. As she lied in bed that night, Sharon couldn't help but think of all the times she gave in to Jack and put his wishes, wants and needs ahead of hers. All the memories of dealing with Jack's addiction came flooding her at once. She could still remember picking him up from bars late at night when she needed to get up for work only a few hours later; carrying him to the shower despite his weight; cleaning up his vomit, even though the smell made her sick; and lying to their children for him, to shelter them from their father's tendency to choose alcohol over them. It was a routine that she had let him drag her into, that she had allowed him to blame her for. All the tears she shed for him, and all the hours she spent hating herself for being unable to get herself out of this vicious cycle came back to her now. These memories felt like a thousand needles pricking her skin at once, and for the first time in her life, it was a pain that Sharon refused to allow to fester.

The St. Joseph's of Nazareth church always felt like a second home for Sharon. Since she transferred to Major Crimes, her unpredictable schedule prevented her from attending services as regularly as she did before. Still, the church always grounded her and made her feel calm and safe within its walls. It was a haven for her soul.

After the sleepless night she's had, Sharon realized she needed a spiritual advisor. She had hoped that going to a confession and talking to Father Stan would help her find the answer she sought.

The wooden seat creaked under her weight as she sat down in the confessional. Father Stan slid the window open, and Sharon could see his face through the lattice.

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned," Sharon began. "My last confession was two weeks ago. In that time, I have lied several times to suspects. But the biggest lie I told was to myself," Sharon began. Her eyes found those of Father Stan who gave her a small nod. "Jack always blamed me for his drinking, and I believed him." She paused and looked at the floor. Even in the darkness of the confessional booth, she could see the scuff marks on the floor. "I spent so many years believing that Jack's drinking was my fault. I now realize that it was a lie I told myself."

"Do you still feel like his alcoholism is your fault?" Father Stan asked.

"I know it isn't. But I still feel guilty," Sharon admitted. "Not for Jack's addiction – for setting a bad example for my children by taking the blame for their father's problems, for being so hard on myself."

"Sharon, you are lamenting something that you can no longer change," Father Stan said. "There's nothing you can do about what happened in the past." Father Stan's soft voice and the thought that he had an advice for her comforted Sharon. "If you want the guilt to go away, if you want your future to be better, you must forgive. Forgive Jack for not being the husband and father you needed him to be. Forgive him for everything he put you and your family through. But most of all, you must forgive yourself for not dealing with Jack's addiction in a healthy way."

"How do I do that?"

"Acknowledge your humanity," Father Stan replied. "It's not going to be an easy process. Guilt has the habit of latching on to you like a leech, but once you learn to let it go, the guilt will seize to exist."

Sharon ruminated on Father Stan's words long after she left the church. Declaring that she would forgive Jack and herself and doing it were two different things. She couldn't deny that it sounded like a good advice, but it also confused her. How does a person get rid of all the negative feelings they've had for two decades?

Rather than heading home after her visit at the church, Sharon had decided to take a detour. It's been a while since she visited her friend Louisa, who used to be her next door neighbor. Ricky was only six months old when Jack left his family in debt and fled to Vegas. Sharon had to sell the house they bought together, so she and the kids moved into an apartment building, not far from St. Joseph's. Louisa was a few years older than Sharon, and on the moving day, she offered Sharon to watch Emily and Ricky while Sharon supervised the movers. The two women bonded quickly and became close friends.

Louisa was different than the rest of Sharon's friends. Even though she lived close to St. Joseph's, she never attended services and preferred conducting her own religious ceremonies. Sharon was never sure if Louisa was into paganism or Buddhism, or possibly a mix of the two, but the two women often had interesting and deep conversations about spirituality. While Louisa never wanted children of her own, she connected with Emily and Ricky very fast and often watched "the two bandits" as she lovingly called them, when Sharon was called into a crime scene in the middle of the night or the weekend. Being a professional photographer, she made sure to take photos of Sharon and the kids at every opportunity and significantly contributed to the Raydor family albums.

The relationship between the two women grew even stronger after Emily moved to New York to pursue her dancing dream, leaving Sharon and Ricky behind. Having her firstborn leaving home was a tough experience for Sharon. Louisa supported her and offered her comfort when she struggled with her emotions about Emily's departure, and she bought Sharon and Ricky tickets to see Emily's first show in New York a year later.

Shortly after Sharon and Ricky returned from New York, two officers from traffic knocked on Sharon's door. Her first thought was that it had something to do with her job, and even when she realized they were there to make a notification, she thought it would be about Jack. She let the officers in and sat down as they told her that Louisa was involved in a car accident and that she had Sharon's listed as her emergency contact person. At first, Sharon was confused. Louisa didn't own a car. She believed cars were tools for the lazy and always said that she tried to live her life without harming nature or polluting it. The cops then explained that Louisa was run over by a car while riding her bicycle and died on the spot. It was the first time in her life that Sharon experienced the death of a loved one and it hit her hard. Louisa was such a lively person, and it was hard to reconcile the idea that she could die, that she had died.

Several weeks later, Sharon received a letter from Louisa's attorney informing her that her name was mentioned in Louisa's will and requesting that she contact the notary's office. Seventeen years old Ricky accompanied her to the meeting where they were told that since Louisa had no living family members, she decided to leave everything she had to Sharon. That included her apartment, the license to her photographs and quite a lot of money. Sharon was shocked. Since she was renting her apartment, she never realized that Louisa owned her apartment and that the mortgage was fully paid. She also didn't expect Louisa to leave her everything she owned. The inheritance may have been unexpected, but it allowed Sharon to buy the condo, rent out Louisa's apartment, and put enough money aside to pay for Ricky's college. The money from the rent and the photograph licensing padded her bank account and helped her afford luxuries she previously withheld. She was not rich, but she could afford to live leisurely.

Sharon counted the rows of graves as she walked down the gravel path. While Louisa was often on her mind, life had a way of making memories fade. Sharon could no longer remember her voice or what she looked like as well as she did the last time she visited. Her new position and Rainie's issues kept her away from here.

It took her a while to locate Louisa's grave, and when she saw the tombstone's condition, she couldn't help but feel like she had neglected her friend. Louisa would have laughed at her. Things like well-kempt headstones and gravesite chats always seemed useless to her. It may have not mattered much to Louisa, but it mattered to Sharon. She began removing some vines and weeds that covered the headstone. When she saw that one of the vines managed to chip its way through a crack in the tombstone, she was horrified at first, but then realized that Louisa wouldn't have had it any other way.

"It's the beauty of nature," she would say. "One thing dies, and another grows out of its remains."

Sharon smiled to herself. Louisa wouldn't have minded feeding the bugs or having plants grow out of her dead body. She would have loved it. She lived her entire life with the knowledge that once she dies, her body will feed the earth. Rather than fighting to remove the vine, Sharon decided to leave it there.

"Nature is embracing me. I've become part of it," Louisa would tell Sharon. Sharon liked that imagery. It sounded like the kind of peace any person would have wanted to have after death.

"I miss you," she said, and a gust of wind carried her words away. "I need your advice," Sharon told Louisa about her conversation with Father Stan, about her need to stop feeling guilty. It was impractical to expect an answer from a gravestone, but she had hoped that the idea of being close to Louisa would inspire her. After several minutes of waiting, Sharon had given up on talking to a grave. She was about to leave when a memory whisked her away.

Anger was not a feeling Sharon, or anyone, ever associated with Louisa Fenton. She was one of the calmest people Sharon has ever known. She practiced yoga, cooked healthy, burned incense and hugged trees. Therefore, Sharon had been surprised to find her dear friend swearing and fuming as Sharon came to return a hammer that she borrowed from Louisa. The other woman's cheeks were flushed, her pupils were dilated, and her fists were curled into tight balls.

"What happened?" Sharon wondered.

"That son of a bitch, I walked in on him with another woman," Louisa said. 'That son of a bitch' was Louisa's boyfriend, Larry. Sharon quite liked him, although she wasn't as close to him as she was to Louisa. "He says I have to share the love. I can't keep it all to myself, because it's greedy." Sharon imagined a man like Larry would say that. He used to live in a commune back in the 70's, and always spoke of sharing the love and sending it to the world. While Louisa believed in some of the same things, she did want a partner who would save all of his love for her. Sharon knew that she had hope that Larry would be that man.

"I'm so sorry," Sharon offered her sympathy. "You wanna break something?" she suggested with a smile as she handed Louisa the hammer.

"Is that what you do?" Louisa had a good sense of humor even when she was upset.

"It's what I feel like doing, sometimes," Sharon admitted.

"There are other ways to deal with anger, Sharon," Louisa said. "The easiest way is to forgive."

Sharon snorted. Some things seemed unforgivable.

"Don't laugh. Keeping the anger inside you won't serve you. Releasing it is cleansing," Louisa explained.

"The anger always dies down eventually," Sharon said.

"But if you don't let go of it when it's still burning, it leaves a scar," Louisa insisted.

"Are you going to forgive a person who cheated on you?" The idea seemed preposterous to Sharon. Jack had cheated on her repeatedly when he was still around, and even though she pretended not to know, it upset her every time she smelled another's woman perfume on him or saw a love bite on his neck that she didn't put there.

"He should have known better, or at least spoken to me first," Louisa admitted. "But that doesn't mean that I need to stay angry with him. I'm going to write all the harsh and horrible things I want to say to him in a letter. And when I'm done, I will read it again, take a deep breath and burn it."

"I don't understand," Sharon said with confusion.

"First, I'll give my anger a physical form. Then, I will burn it. When it ceases to exist, my anger will be gone, and I will be free," Louisa explained. For some reason, it made sense to Sharon, even though she never found a good enough reason to practice it herself.

A gust of warm wind engulfed Sharon, wrapping itself around her, hugging her. She was usually practical about the permanence of death, but for a moment, she closed her eyes and entertained the idea that Louisa was greeting her through the elements of nature. When the wind calmed down, Sharon opened her eyes.

"Thank you, Louisa, I knew you'd know what to do," she said and threw another look at the headstone before she turned to leave. Equipped with Father Stan's advice and Louisa's approach, Sharon had every intention to exorcize her guilt by the end of the day. Tomorrow will be guilt-free, she promised herself as she made her way out of the dwelling place of the dead.

-TBC-

As always, I'd love to know your thoughts about this chapter, so feel free to leave a review or send me a PM.