A/N: Guess who's back? Well, technically, I'm still in Ireland with four more days to go before I return home (although I wish I could stay here longer), but I took my laptop with me and finally found the time to post the next chapter of this story. I hope that from now on, I will be able to update more regularly, as I no longer have any school work to hand in.
Anyway, this chapter is very different than all the others I've written before, and that is because it's darker, longer and most of it takes place away from LA. There will be another chapter like this down the line, and possibly even more in the future (Ireland provided me some very inspiring ideas).
I hope you all enjoy this chapter, even though it's not the usual setting.
How ironic that an envelope, Jack's signature exit, ended their marriage?
Her fingers shook when she opened the manila envelope. She didn't need to read its content to know what it said, and at the same time, she didn't feel the need to tear it into such tiny pieces like she had so many times.
The memories accosted her as her eyes fluttered over the first page. The moment he slid a ring down her finger in front of all their family and friends. The flitting morning kisses they exchanged before he left the house for school and she to work. The excruciating first labor, with only his hand grounding her through the pain, after hours of contractions. Her collapse into his arms when she returned from work one day, dehydrated and exhausted after working a double shift, and the panic in his blue eyes when she woke up in the ER, only to be told that she was pregnant again and should take it slow. Seeing his concern was replaced with joy at the idea of having a second child was Sharon's last happy memory of their marriage. It was only a few weeks later when she noticed his excessive drinking and the lipstick stains on his work shirts, and from there, things spiraled out of control faster than anyone would have expected. And now she was looking at the document that officially ended their thirty-year marriage.
They'd met with their lawyers several times and negotiated the terms of their divorce less than amicably. In the beginning, Jack tried to steal what he believed was his part of Sharon's savings and pension, and true to the threat she's made earlier that year, Sharon's lawyers demanded that he pay back child support for Emily and Ricky's upbringing. Twenty years of his failures did play in her favor. Eventually, they agreed that each of them would leave the marriage with what they had when they started the divorce proceedings. It was just the way Sharon wanted it. A clean cut, an easy break.
But now, on the other side of her marriage, there was a nagging voice at the back of her head that kept telling her that Jack would never fully release his grasp on her. He was etched in her skin, flowing in her bloodstream, and haunting her brain.
When she put the papers down, her hand immediately slipped into her pocket and closed around her phone. Almost of their own volition, her fingers found the number on her speed dial and pressed on it. She heard a groggy hello before she even put the phone to her ear.
"Alfie?" she said, her voice shaking. "I'm free."
"Shay, I…" he stuttered, making her wonder if he was drunk. "This is not a great time."
"Is something wrong?" Sharon wondered.
"Anita passed away an hour ago," Alfie informed her. Sweet Anita, to whom he stayed married for three decades even though she has been a shell of a human for so long. Sharon knew that Alfie was never able to bring himself to take her off life support. Even if he had not stayed faithful to her, he loved her with his whole heart. He refused to truly move on until she was no longer a part of this world. Now, as Sharon became free of her marriage, Alfie became free of his. Maybe life tried to lead them back to each other.
Several hours later, Sharon was standing at the departure gate at LAX with her boarding ticket and trolley. She had invited Rainie to New York, where she was going to help Alfie arrange his wife's funeral. However, Rainie preferred to stay in Los Angeles. Sharon alerted Andy and Provenza and requested that they check on her every once in a while. The guilt of leaving Rainie behind, even if it was only for a few days, was overwhelming as she wrapped her arms around the girl and kissed her cheek.
"If you've changed your mind, I can still buy you a ticket," she offered. Even though last moment tickets would be costly, if Rainie just said the word, finances be damned.
"Sharon, I promise I'll be fine here. You go. Alfie needs you," Rainie goaded her.
"Rainie, if anything happens and you feel like you need help, call me. And if I'm not answering, call Dr. Joe. And Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza are also available. And Amy is…"
"Sharon, I spent a year living on the streets, and I managed. I think I can survive one week in a Los Feliz condo with a fully stocked fridge and a DVR," Rainie replied.
"But still…"
"I'll be fine. We'll FaceTime every day," Rainie assured her. "Now don't be late for your flight." She wrapped her arms around Sharon again. "I love you, Sharon. Text me when you land."
"I will. And I love you, too," Sharon said as she passed the check-in point and handed the TSA attendant her ID and plane ticket.
"Have a great flight," the attendant said and gave her the travel documents back.
Sharon sneaked a quick glance backward and saw Rainie waving at her. The girl looked calm and did not even in the slightest mirror the panic and fear Sharon felt.
Leaving Rainie this way reminded Sharon of the day she first left Emily at a daycare when she was only six months old. The way her heart quivered and her skin itched to hold her daughter, coupled with the irrational fears while they were apart, overwhelmed her even then. Even though Rainie was practically an adult, and they'd spent countless nights away from each other before, Sharon still couldn't shake the nagging need to make sure her future-daughter was safe. She didn't realize how exhausting the feeling was until she boarded the plane and fell asleep even before takeoff, only waking up several hours later, moments after the wheels of the plane touched down at JFK.
Even though it was almost midnight, Emily waited for her at the baggage claim. The sight of her eldest child made Sharon's worries about Rainie leave her mind. It has been over two years since Sharon last saw her daughter in person. Feeling Emily's slender arms wrapping around her neck, and her face burrow into her shoulder, reminded Sharon of that first day they spent apart, almost thirty years ago. The way baby Emily clung to her like she begged to never part from her again confirmed the young mother's fears. Sharon's trepidation and Emily's distress slowly disappeared over the following days, as attending daycare became a routine. Never had Sharon imagined that she would spend more than two years away from her daughter. She dreaded the day Rainie would go off on her own. As ready as her children may be to fly the nest, Sharon was never prepared.
"I missed you so much, Mom!" Emily said. "I'm not happy that Alfie's wife is dead, but I'm glad it brought you here."
Sharon responded in with a faint hum. The emotions inside her were too intense for her to conjure any other reaction, but she never needed many words with Emily. Her daughter has always known what her mother needed, an ability that hasn't faded with their separation.
"Let's head home, Mom. I'd like you to get some sleep before you have to handle all the funeral craziness," she said.
Sharon followed Emily out of the airport and into a cab that took them to Emily's small but cozy one-bedroom apartment in Washington Heights. Emily moved in only a few months earlier, so Sharon hadn't seen the apartment yet. She could tell her daughter put a lot of effort into the décor, even if she was too tired to admire it fully. She sent a quick text to Rainie to let her know that she arrived safely.
"Are you hungry?" Emily asked as she walked to the kitchen.
It wasn't until then that Sharon realized that she hadn't eaten anything since the morning. On cue, her stomach began growling. "Yes, actually," she said.
"There's some leftover sushi, if that's okay with you," Emily offered.
"That would be fine," Sharon replied and followed her daughter.
Emily opened the fridge and took a half-full plastic container. She placed it on the kitchen table and fumbled inside the fridge for the soy sauce and spicy mayonnaise. She put them on the table in front of her mother and then opened the cutlery drawer and took two pairs of chopsticks.
"Do you want anything to drink? I've got water, coconut water, coffee or tea," Emily offered.
"Water is fine, Em," Sharon replied, seating at the kitchen table. She noticed that the wood was split in one of the corners. It reminded her of her first apartment, where all of her furniture were second hand.
"What?" Emily asked when she noticed her mother's smile.
"Nothing," Sharon replied as she opened the sushi container. "Your apartment reminds me a little of the first place I rented."
"In college?" Emily wondered.
"No, shortly after graduation," Sharon replied.
"I thought you and dad moved in together right after college," Emily took a bottle of mineral water out of the fridge and placed it on the table before pulling out the chair next to her mother.
"No. He went to Europe for a few months with his friends," Sharon explained. "In the meantime, I found a job at a bookstore and moved into a tiny but charming flat. My friends said it was a shoebox, but I loved it."
"So you and dad split up before you married?" Emily asked, confusion registering across her face.
"No, we were already engaged, but your father needed to spend some time away from LA. We sent letters to each other that whole time, and we spoke on the phone every other week," Sharon said.
"Maybe it was a sign, you know? That he would keep leaving you behind to be the responsible one," Emily said, stabbing at her sushi.
"If it was a sign, then I was too young and naïve to understand it back then. And anyway, all of it is water under the bridge now. I received the divorce papers today. It's been finalized."
"What?" Emily's eyes widened, and her jaw shook as if she was trying to hold back tears. "How do you feel about it, Mom?"
"Relieved, mostly. I can follow through with Rainie's adoption now, and…"
Emily cut her off with the wave of a hand. "How is dad doing?"
"I haven't spoken to him, but you can always call and ask him," Sharon replied.
"Mom, what if he starts drinking again? I mean, you know how he reacts to changes." Emily's worried expression made Sharon's stomach clench painfully. She wasn't concerned about Jack's sobriety, only about her daughter's fear that her father would slip. Emily has seen and heard it all – the yelling, the crying, the glass-smashing, the name-calling and door-slamming – and Sharon could only imagine the picture in her daughter's head.
"Sweetheart, if your father decides to drink again, it's his choice. He's been in AA for many years, and he knows what to do if he's having a hard time. If he doesn't follow through with the program, it's not your or my fault," she replied, putting down the chopsticks and taking Emily's hand instead.
"I just want him to be okay," Emily said.
"I know, sweetheart. I hope he makes the right choices from now on," Sharon replied. Although she was glad that her marriage to Jack was finally over, she still wanted Jack to be well and to keep in touch with his children. They deserved a father, even if he was still avoiding the role.
When Emily grew silent, Sharon wondered if she should have chosen a different way to tell Emily about the divorce. Emily has always been more sensitive about Jack than Ricky was, probably because she had more memories of their family than Ricky had. Sharon knew how important Jack had been to both her children, despite the times he let them down.
In a way, Sharon had been in their shoes as well. Her father had always said drinking was a favorable Irish trait. But getting drunk at Sharon's 8th birthday party and insulting the clown, or getting into a fistfight with the neighbor at the 4th of July barbeque weren't exactly good examples of Kevin O'Dwyer holding his liquor. Sharon remembered the many times she woke up in the middle of the night due to her parents' loud arguments about her father's excessive drinking. Her father kept drinking even when her mother threatened to take Sharon and leave him, although she never acted upon that threat.
After retirement, her father reluctantly stopped drinking because of diabetes. By that time, Sharon was already pregnant with Emily. Still, it appeared that her father's drinking was never as bad as Jack's. Her father was always there when she needed him. Jack, on the other hand, completely bailed on his family. Even after he joined AA, he nursed his addiction in other vices and wasted every dollar he could get his hands on without caring that he was taking food from his children's mouths.
"I'm sorry I upset you, honey," Sharon said.
"I'm not upset. I'm sad that it had to come to this. I know dad was a bad husband, and that you're relieved to be done with him, but he must be feeling so lonely."
Sharon shook her head. She didn't want to hear about how lonely Jack must have felt. What about all the years she's felt lonely, and he wasn't there to carry the burden of raising two children with her? What about all those times she needed him to hug her and tell her that he loved her and will be there for her forever?
"You know, Em. I'm a bit tired, and I'm gonna have a long day tomorrow," she said softly, closing the empty sushi box and pushing her chair back.
"I'm sorry, Mom. You're right; it is late. Let me go and set up your bed, okay?" Emily left the kitchen quickly.
Sharon spent a few minutes cleaning after herself before she went out of the kitchen. Emily had set a folding bed in the living room for her.
"I know it's not as big or fancy as your bed, but…"
"Honey, this is fine. Thank you so much for this," Sharon said and kissed her daughter's cheek.
"So, how's Rainie doing?" Emily asked when Sharon began to unpack her trolley. "She didn't wanna come here?"
"She has to work, so she couldn't join me," Sharon replied.
"She didn't mention that she's got a job. Where does she work?"
"She's a set PA on Badge of Justice. One of my lieutenants helped her get it," Sharon replied.
"That's a horrible show!"
"But it's a high paying job, and it keeps Rainie busy until college applications are due," Sharon said.
"It sucks that she has been rejected from so many schools," Emily sighed.
"I think it's for the best. Rainie needed time off of school. She hasn't had a summer vacation since she was thirteen. She'll get in next year, I'm sure," Sharon replied.
"I can't believe she's been living with you for three years and I still haven't met her in person," Emily groaned.
"You are coming home this Christmas, aren't you?" Sharon asked.
"I mean, assuming that you don't tell Ricky and me to stay away again because of some psycho killer, or something," Emily teased her.
"That's not funny," Sharon replied, pointing at Emily with her toothbrush.
"Don't worry, Mom. I'll be home for Christmas, and I'll meet Rainie," Emily promised. "I hope she likes me."
"She does. She can't wait to meet you," Sharon squeezed her daughter's shoulder. "I'm gonna get ready for bed."
"Sure. Ummm, there's a sealed package of earplugs in the medicine cabinet. You're gonna need it," Emily informed her.
Sharon wasn't sure how she didn't notice the constant bustle of the street or the thundering subway, but as soon as Emily mentioned it, the sounds infiltrated her ears.
"Thanks, love," Sharon smiled at her daughter and took her pajamas out of her suitcase.
The smell of freshly brewed coffee woke Sharon up early in the morning. She could feel her back muscles stretch and her bones creak as she got up of the folding bed. To her great surprise, Emily was nowhere to be found. It took Sharon a few minutes to find the note taped to the kitchen table that informed her that Emily had to leave early for a rehearsal and that she'd text her when she goes on a lunch break. She left Sharon a key to the apartment and wrote the address on the note, in case Sharon couldn't remember where it was. She also mentioned that the coffee shop downstairs has a great breakfast menu if she was hungry.
When Sharon opened the fridge, she realized that it was almost empty, and after getting ready for the day, she went downstairs and grabbed a coffee and a muffin at the coffee shop. After eating, she checked her watch. It was too early to call Rainie, and she put off texting her. She went out of the coffee shop and hailed a cab that took her to Alfie's apartment in Williamsburg. She's been there a few times in the past, and always liked the vivacious area he lived in. Apart from being a gemologist, Alfie invested in real estate and owned several apartments. Most of them had tenants, but Sharon knew that he was renting out a couple of them for short-term stays. Considering that she was about to stay in New York for several days, she wondered if he would mind renting out one of his short-term apartments in Williamsburg to her, to help her avoid the long cab ride from Emily's apartment to his and to save her spine from her daughter's folding bed.
She knocked on the yellow, wooden door of Alfie's apartment on the seventh floor and heard shuffling noises from behind it. When he opened the door, Sharon was surprised by her best friend's appearance. Alfie was unshaved, his hair disheveled, his eyes were red-rimmed, and he hadn't bothered dressing up for her, still wearing his boxers and T-shirt. Sharon threw a glance at her watch. It was 9 a.m., and she had not expected Alfie to still be asleep at this time.
"Alfie," she said softly and stepped into his apartment. She always liked his place. The wooden décor and bright colors always made it seem happy and cozy. "I didn't realize you were sleeping; I'm so sorry."
Alfie pulled her into a tight hug, the kind that he used to give her when they were still children, before they were told that boys and girls must be careful about how they touch. Her hand instinctively went up into his curls, caressing his scalp with the tips of her fingers. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the embrace.
"I missed you," his moist breath against her neck as he spoke made her feel at home in his arms.
"So did I," she said. "I'm so sorry about Anita."
"She hasn't been doing well for a while. Her kidney functions started deteriorating a few weeks ago, and from there it was clear that it was a downhill slide," he explained. "Maybe I should have taken her off life support years ago."
"You loved her. You wanted her to live," Sharon tried to comfort him. She couldn't say living as a vegetable gave Anita much of a life, and her chances to ever come out of her condition were slim, to begin with, but that was never Sharon's decision to make, and Alfie never asked for her opinion on the matter. As his mistress, the least she could do was to be supportive of his choice of care for his wife.
"But she didn't want to live," Alfie said and pulled away from Sharon. "The depression, the self-hatred, the anorexia – it took away the woman I loved. She was dead inside long before she had that stroke. I just kept her alive with tubes and machines, thinking that one day, I might get her back."
Sharon had only seen him so devastated thirty years earlier when Anita suffered the stroke that put her in a vegetative state. Back then he was a young man with his whole future ahead of him. He could have started over. He could have filed for divorce and married someone else, but he chose to stick with his wife, in sickness and in health, until death did them part. Recalling her conversation with Emily the previous night, Sharon was no longer sure she did the right thing by divorcing Jack. She knew addiction was also a disease, and now wondered if by giving up on Jack she didn't defy the vows she took thirty years ago.
"And now I have to plan her funeral. How do I even begin to do that?" he asked, his gaze haunted.
"First of all, go take a shower. I'll get you some clean clothes from your closet. Then, we'll get some food in your stomach. And then we'll figure it all out together, okay?" Sharon asked, taking his hands in hers.
Alfie nodded and moped to the shower, while Sharon went into his bedroom and opened his closet. Alfie's wardrobe was arranged by colors, and Sharon picked a pair of dark casual pants and a soft crimson wool sweater for him.
She laid the clothes on his bed for him and went to the kitchen, to brew a strong blend capsule into his espresso machine and cook him a cheese omelet and bacon. His breakfast was already on the woodblock dining table when he came out of the shower, with only a towel covering his torso. He shaved his stubble and combed his wet curls back, but he hadn't bothered dressing up. He took a seat in front of Sharon, who was nursing a cup of herbal tea.
"I'm so happy you're here," he said as he grabbed a fork and began cutting into his omelet. "You're a godsend."
Sharon smiled at him over the rim of her teacup. She knew Alfie was a very independent man, who had to learn how to do everything on his own after his mother passed away, and he was left to take care of his father. Marrying a woman whose emotional needs were far greater than his own unmet ones was probably not his finest decision, but as Sharon learned over the years, love was blind. She took it upon herself to take care of him whenever she visited him in New York, or he came to Los Angeles. Alfie always liked it when she did, and she loved the fact that she could fill his emotional needs, in a way that she couldn't with Jack. Of course, Alfie was also good at meeting her emotional and often physical needs as well, which made them highly compatible, as far as she was concerned. She was sure they would eventually become more than friends with benefits if he hadn't chosen to stay in New York by Anita's side.
"I know the circumstances are dire, but I'm glad to be here for you, Alfie," she said.
"Are you staying with Emily?" he asked. It appeared that the food and strong coffee grounded him a bit and helped him focus on something other than his devastation.
"Yes, she lives in Washington Heights," Sharon replied before she realized that Alfie had probably visited in Emily's apartment.
"She loves it there," he said. When Sharon shrugged, he added, "Seems like you don't."
"It appears to be a safe area, which I guess is important, but I can't say I'm too fond of the apartment itself. It's too small, even though Em did a great job decorating it."
"She had you sleep on that awful folding bed, didn't she?" Alfie grinned.
Sharon nodded and rubbed her sore neck for dramatic effect.
"She can't risk her ballerina muscles and bones by sleeping on it herself. She had to give it to you, or she won't be able to do her job."
Sharon contemplated Alfie's argument. He was right, of course. Emily needed to be pain-free and in top shape to dance. The American Ballet Theatre was a very competitive dancing group. If Emily showed any signs of weakness, the other dancers would be lunging at the opportunity to take over her role.
"You can stay with me if you want," he said. "I'd let you stay at one of my apartments, but unfortunately, I have tenants in all of them at the moment."
"Here is fine," Sharon replied. Considering their relationship, sharing a bed with Alfie for a week was not going to be any problem.
"So you said your divorce was final?" he asked.
Sharon wasn't even sure that the information about her divorce registered in his head when she called to tell him about it the previous day. It surprised her that he mentioned that. "Yes, I received the papers yesterday," she said.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"It's an emotional rollercoaster," Sharon admitted. "One moment I feel free and invincible, and the next, all the memories flood me, and I think that it may have been a mistake."
"You'll be able to follow through with the adoption," Alfie reminded her.
"I know, but I still…"
"You can't help thinking 'what if'."
Sharon responded with a quick nod.
"You gave Jack enough chances. He's had so many opportunities to come back home, raise his children, be a good husband and father and he threw all of them away."
"I know, but…" Sharon began.
Alfie shook his head at her. "Rainie needs you more than Jack ever will. She needs family and stability. She needs a mother who loves her and not a mother who would let her boyfriend abuse her and then toss her to the street."
His words made Sharon shudder. Even after hearing Rainie's story so many times, being reminded of what Gary did to her still made her stomach ache.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I know it's a touchy subject." Alfie reached over the table and took Sharon's hand. "This girl needs you; that's all I'm saying."
"I know."
"Then be the trooper I know you are and kick those doubts out of your mind," he reassured her and squeezed her hand.
"Emily is worried he'll start drinking again," Sharon murmured into the teacup.
"I love Emily, but sometimes I think she's a bit too gentle to deal with what the world throws at her. Jack drinking is her worst fear, as was yours when you were a girl, and your mom threatened to leave your father."
"You remember that?" Sharon was surprised with the high pitch of her voice.
"I'll never forget. You snuck into my bedroom through my window, and you told me that your mother threatened to take you away from him if he didn't stop drinking. You cried for hours, and I kept praying that your father stopped, so you don't have to move away," Alfie admitted.
"And then we kissed for the first time." Sharon smiled at the memory.
"And you cried throughout it, and I wasn't sure if it was because of your father or because I was a bad kisser."
"You weren't a bad kisser. I was." Sharon shook her head in disbelief. "I'm surprised you even kept going with all the tears and snot that was running down my face."
"Are you kidding? I waited for that kiss ever since the day I met you," Alfie called out. "Plus, if you remember, I spent several hours wiping your snot before kissing you. I didn't mind it at that point."
"I wish we could get back to that moment," Sharon sighed and took a long sip of tea. "Things were so simple back then, weren't they?"
"Everything's simple when you're a kid," Alfie replied.
"I hate to change the subject," Sharon said softly and squeezed Alfie's hand, "But you need to get dressed and start planning Anita's funeral."
Alfie grunted but put down his coffee and went to get dressed. He came back to the kitchen a few minutes later and pried the dishes Sharon was washing out of her hands. Offering her a towel, he pulled her into another tight hug.
"Thank you for being here and doing this with me. It means a lot," he whispered into her hair.
"I'll always be here for you," Sharon replied and gently pulled away from him. "We need to start making calls."
Planning a funeral for a person who's been virtually dead for three decades shouldn't have been so hard. Anita didn't have any family besides Alfie. Therefore, Sharon and Alfie decided that her wake should be rather short, as they expected a low number of attendees.
After finishing the announcement calls, they scheduled a meeting the following day at a funeral home and then looked through Alfie's closet for a suit that he could wear to the funeral. It was late afternoon when Sharon went back to Emily's apartment, stopping for groceries on her way and stocking her daughter's fridge. She packed up her stuff, folded the bed, texted Emily that she was moving to Alfie's apartment in order to be more available to him, and left. She knew that her daughter wouldn't be offended by her leaving so unexpectedly. Emily had a busy schedule, and hosting her mother would just be distracting for her.
When she returned to his apartment, Sharon found a takeout dinner and her favorite red wine on the kitchen table. They ate quietly, enjoying each other's company, and then retired to bed. They snuggled against each other silently, merely enjoying each other's proximity. Sharon was beginning to drift into sleep when she felt Alfie's hand crawling under her pajama shirt and caressing her stomach.
"Do you want me to stop?" he whispered against the nape of her neck.
"No," she replied. The warmth of his hand against her stomach and the circular motions of his thumb around her navel centered her. Slowly, his hand drifted until it settled between her breasts.
"Still okay?" he asked.
Sharon hummed softly, so Alfie pulled her closer and rested his head against the back of her shoulder.
"Let me know if you need to untangle," he said before wishing her goodnight.
In the safety of his arms, Sharon let sleep cover her like a thick veil.
When they woke up, Alfie's hand still rested right above Sharon's heart, the tips of his fingers grazing the underside of her left breast. Sharon closed her eyes, savoring the moment when she felt his lips pressing to the nape of her neck.
"It's morning," the sleepiness in his voice reminded her of the morning they woke up, after kissing each other for the first time. They had fallen asleep in each other's arms, the fronts of their pajama shirts soaked with Sharon's tears; it was the uncommon mix of despair and comfort. This morning, Sharon felt the same. She wasn't sure if her despair originated from her divorce or Anita's death, but she was convinced that the comfort came from the special friendship between herself and Alfie.
"I know," she mumbled into the pillow. She wanted to stay close to him for a little longer before they had to face the sad tasks of their day.
"We scheduled a meeting at the funeral home," he reminded her. His hand slid from under her shirt, and the mattress creaked when he got up.
Sharon followed him with her eyes and eventually pulled herself out of bed as well. Standing in front of his bedroom window, she looked at the street outside. The morning hustle was in full force. She watched the activity, letting the energy of others rouse up her sleepy brain. When she felt Alfie's arms around her waist, pulling her against his chest, she closed her eyes.
"It's odd to see you taking your time waking up," he said.
"I'm still getting used to your time zone."
"I don't own it," Alfie joked.
"But you live in it," Sharon countered and turned in his arms. "Good morning." She buried her face in his bare chest, pressing her lips against his skin that was still warm from the shower. "Have a good shower?"
"Why don't you take one too and I'll make you some coffee to chase away your jetlag?" he offered.
A hum was the only response she could conjure.
"That's my girl," he said and lifted her face to his, kissing the tip of her nose.
Alfie was right – a shower and a coffee managed to stimulate Sharon's brain. Although, she had to admit that seeing him still glistening from the shower, covered only by a towel, definitely helped her wake up.
Silence engulfed them as they drove to the funeral home, and Sharon could feel Alfie's melancholy setting in. She threw quick glances at him from the corner of her eye as they walked through a display of caskets and looked through albums of flower arrangements.
"Stop looking at me like that," he said, contemplating a dark mahogany or a polished cherry casket.
"Like what?" Sharon asked. She had no idea he caught her watching him.
"Like I'm about to break," he said, drumming his fingers on the mahogany.
"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you," Sharon replied.
"Don't," he insisted as he flipped through the flower album. "I think I like this one."
Calla lilies, Sharon's favorite flower, for Anita's funeral. Sharon couldn't remember Alfie ever being angry with her, but this choice of flowers felt deliberate and malicious. She knew grief could manifest as anger, but while she wasn't going to hold it against him, it still hurt.
When they returned to his apartment, Alfie locked himself in his study, which elevated Sharon's frustration even further. She decided that it was a good time to take a walk outside and give Rainie a call. It was a short call since Rainie was just about to leave for work. After Sharon hung up the phone, she went into a diner that was located a couple of blocks away from Alfie's apartment. She bought lunch for Alfie and herself and headed back to his apartment in hopes that she'll find him in a better mood.
Alfie was still holed up in his study when Sharon returned. Her knuckles rapped on the door, and she called his name softly.
"I brought lunch," she said. There was no reply. "Alfie, come on."
The door opened, and before Sharon could take a step into the room, Alfie grabbed her wrist and pulled her in. A gasp escaped Sharon's mouth as he dragged her towards his desk. Dozens of old photos of Anita and Alfie were scattered on top of it, ripped from their albums.
"Look at her!" he called out and pointed at one of the photos. "Look at her!"
"I'm looking, Alfie," Sharon yanked her arm free. "There's no need to yell at me."
"She was beautiful, Shay. She was stunning!" he raged. "So I need you to tell me –" He picked up one of the photos from his desk. "Why? Why did she want to be thinner?"
"She couldn't control it, Alfie," Sharon's eyes filled with tears. How long had Alfie carried this rage at Anita inside him? He never expressed it to her before. "She was sick, and she didn't want to get help."
"Tell me the truth, Shay," he grabbed her by the shoulders. "Was it me? Did I make her hate herself so much that she had to do this?"
"Alfie, nothing you could have said or done would have saved Anita from herself. Nothing, okay?" The tears began dripping from Sharon's eyes onto Alfie's shirt.
"Do you think she even loved me?" The intensity of Alfie's grief made Sharon choke on her tears.
"Of course she did." She wiped her tears on the end of her sleeve and sniffled. "Alfie, you were the light in Anita's life, and she knew it."
"Then why didn't she go to the hospital when I begged her to?"
"She had voices in her head that told her that she was not worthy of you, that she needed to be better, thinner," Sharon sighed. "Nothing could silence them. They kept her awake at night, invaded her dreams. She couldn't escape them."
"How do you know all this?" Alfie eyed her suspiciously.
"She told me that, when we were trying to get her to check herself into the mental ward," Sharon admitted. "She said similar things to Jack."
"Why didn't you tell me?" The blame shifted.
"Jack said he'd talk to you about it," Sharon replied.
"How could you ever be so stupid, Sharon?" For the first time in years, he didn't call her 'Shay'. "How could you trust Jack to do anything, huh?" he raged. "All those years, I thought Anita's condition was my fault, but it turns out it was yours."
"Alfie," Sharon's voice shook. "I know you're hurting, and I feel horrible seeing you like this, but if you ever call me a name or blame me for Anita's collapse again, you can forget about your godchildren and me. You'll never hear from us again." She turned around and walked out of the room, wiping her tears. She was packing her suitcase, trying to stop her hands from shaking when she heard Alfie's steps behind her.
"I'm sorry, Shay!" He took a seat on the bed behind her and put his hand on her back. She flinched, so he removed it. "I'm so sorry for saying those things. I'm just… I loved her so much, and I trusted you to tell me things like that."
"I loved her too, Alfie. I was supposed to be on bed rest when she had the stroke; I risked my pregnancy and flew here all the way from LA because I loved Anita, and I was worried about her," Sharon could not stop the tears now. They flowed freely down her face.
"I thought you did it for me," Alfie said.
"I did it for the both of you, Alfie," Sharon called out. "If I had known that what she told me could have saved her life, I would have told you."
"I know, Shay. I'm so, so sorry about what I said." He wrapped his arms around her. "Please don't leave. I've been horrible to you today, and you've been nothing but kind to me."
Another sob escaped Sharon's mouth, and Alfie captured her lips in a soft and short kiss.
"Why do I always have to wipe snot off your face?" he joked when he pulled away. Sharon sniffled and smacked his chest playfully. "Are we okay?"
"We are," she replied.
Alfie took her hand in his and kissed it. "Let's go eat, and then I'd like you to help me choose a photo of Anita we can put on the easel in church."
Sharon took a deep breath and nodded. She'd never seen him so broken, and even though they've spoken about Anita and her condition before, it appeared that the loss struck him hard once she was truly gone. Sharon forgave his outburst and decided to file it away.
After Alfie calmed down, Sharon suggested they'll have dinner with Emily. Not having any children of his own, Alfie loved Emily like a daughter. When Emily moved to New York, he allowed her to live in one of his apartments without charging her rent for a couple of months until she found a place of her own. When Emily couldn't make it home for the holidays, he was there to celebrate with her.
They met Emily in a lovely Asian restaurant in East Village, and Sharon couldn't help but notice how Alfie's eyes lit up when he saw Emily. Seeing how much he loved and adored her daughter made Sharon wish Anita would have at least given him a child of his own before she collapsed, but rationally, she knew that Anita's malnourishment would have prevented her from conceiving and carrying a healthy pregnancy to term.
Even though Anita has been a very bright and promising photographer, she was already sick when Alfie first met her. Sharon remembered looking at the photos he sent her of Anita and wondering how it was possible for Anita to be so thin. Her smooth scotch-butter skin and her long dark hair that she used to tie in two loose braids were simply breathtaking. Her slanted chocolate brown eyes were deep, her plump lips were enviable, and her contagious laughter was captivating. Sharon could see why her best friend fell for this exotic and enticing woman. Seeing Anita succumb to her illness so soon after marrying Alfie was heartbreaking. The last time Sharon had seen Anita before her stroke, she looked like a shell of who she used to be. Her eyes were empty, the skin hung from her bones, and her hair was falling from her head in thick strands. Sharon knew that Alfie was struggling to convince his wife to check into a hospital and receive the treatment she needed to get better, but Anita wouldn't hear of it. No matter how much she loved Alfie, she wasn't strong enough to help herself.
Sharon pushed the thoughts about Anita as she quietly listened to Emily talk about her day, and about how one of the dancers broke her leg and might face the end of her dancing career. She loved her daughter and missed her, and Emily's presence around Alfie helped lighten his mood.
It was almost 10:00 p.m. when they arrived back at Alfie's apartment, and they silently went through their nightly routines and went to bed. Sharon couldn't wait for sleep to claim her. This day has been both physically and emotionally exhausting. Even though most of the funeral arrangements were done, they still had a few more ends they needed to tie.
"Shay." She felt Alfie's humid breath on the nape of her neck and hummed in response. "You know how much I care about you, don't you?" he asked.
"I do," she replied.
"Turn towards me for a moment, will you?" he whispered.
Sharon turned in bed to face him.
"I just want to make sure you don't resent me because of what I said earlier," he said. "I wasn't angry with you. I'm angry with her."
"I know that," Sharon replied.
"I just needed someone to blame, and you were here. I feel horrible about how I treated you, and I want you to know that I'm not taking for granted the fact that you chose to stay here after what I said to you," Alfie cupped her cheek.
"Alfie, I already forgave you," Sharon replied. "You're my best friend, and we've been there for each other for so many years. I'm not going anywhere."
Alfie looked into her eyes and smiled before he leaned in and drew her lips between his.
Sharon closed her eyes, letting Alfie's tongue and lips mold around hers.
"I think maybe there's a reason why your divorce was finalized the same day Anita passed away," he said when he pulled away. "Maybe you were never supposed to be with Jack, to begin with, the same way I was not supposed to be with Anita." He drew close to her and captured her lips again.
Sharon hummed into the kiss. She felt so emotionally drained on the one hand, and at the same time, she couldn't help but remember how he looked that morning, almost naked in front of her, and how much she wanted him to touch her.
"Would you consider me, now that we're both unmarried?" His voice caressed her ears.
Instead of answering, Sharon let her body speak. Pushing him on his back, she kissed a path down his neck and chest and let her lips close around his nipple. He groaned under the warmth of her mouth, and she smiled around his nipple, before moving to the other one.
When Alfie became restless under her, she descended further down, pleasuring him with her mouth and hands. His fingers dug into her hair and massaged her scalp as she continued her ministrations.
"Oh my God, Shay," Alfie moaned. "No other woman does it like you do."
His words made Sharon smile around against him. Alfie always liked to complement her in bed, even when she was young and inexperienced. She was sure he did it to boost her confidence and keep her going, but for some reason, it always amused her. She shook her head lightly and went back to pleasuring him when she felt his arms pulling her upwards.
"My turn now," he said and began sucking on her pulse point, slowly unbuttoning her pajama shirt to expose her breasts.
For the first time since they split up to go to different colleges, they've made love. Sharon was impressed with Alfie's tenderness. They've had sex countless times before, but something has changed between them emotionally. Her body was more responsive to him than it has ever been, and his body fit around and inside hers like it never had before. It'd been quite a while since Sharon climaxed three times in one night.
When she opened her eyes the following morning in Alfie's arms, the smell of sex and sweat lingering in the room, and a new rhythm to her heart, she knew that Alfie had been right. They must have belonged to each other, and the universe made sure they ended up together. She knew that it was a childish thought to entertain, but she couldn't help thinking that everything that happened to both of them in their marriages led them to this point.
"Morning," she mumbled and turned in bed, only to find his side empty and cold enough to tell her that he left the bed a while ago. Getting up, she put on her pajama shirt and panties before walking out of the room in search for Alfie.
She found him sitting at the kitchen table and having coffee and breakfast. He was already dressed, and his hair was wet from the shower and combed back. He nodded his head at her wordlessly when she greeted him. Sharon walked towards the stove where Alfie has left the hot pan where he's made breakfast. She expected to find an omelet and bacon, as that what he had on his plate. However, the pan was empty. When she opened the fridge, she realized Alfie was out of eggs and that only two strips of uncooked bacon were left. In fact, his fridge was virtually empty. "Is there any bread left?" she asked.
Alfie shrugged, and Sharon continued in her search for food. Eventually, she found a few slices of bread that have grown mold.
With a sigh, she grabbed a mug and made herself a cup of coffee. She took a seat in front of Alfie and took a long sip of the dark coffee as he continued eating.
"Can I have a bite?" she asked. The smell of the eggs and bacon her was eating was making her stomach growl.
Alfie speared a chunk of scrambled egg and a piece of bacon and handed her the fork.
Sharon thanked him and took the bite. She hoped that he'd realize how hungry she was and share his breakfast with her, but Alfie didn't show any sign that he understood the hint. He finished the food quietly and threw the leftovers into the trash. Sharon buried her gaze deep inside her cup of coffee as Alfie left the kitchen and went to his study.
Sharon took a deep breath, reminding herself that Alfie was about to bury his wife today and that she should be understanding to his mood. Recalling that he had asked her to consider him romantically the previous night, she attributed his strange behavior to grief. She decided to give him some space and went quietly about her morning routine.
He kept his distance from her during the funeral and burial and made sure to stay at a safe distance from her during the wake. He avoided introducing her to the few acquaintances who attended, and his look of dismay did not escape her when she introduced herself to them. She wasn't sure what that was about, but the relief on his face when the last of the guests left was apparent.
For the second time that day, he disappeared inside his study. Sharon busied herself with putting away the food from the wake and washed the dishes. Alfie was still not out of the study when she finished, so she decided to check on him. She was on her way down the hall when Alfie came out and almost bumped into her.
"Alfie, are you…" she started, but he cut her off.
"If you ask me if I'm okay one more time, I swear to God, Sharon – I'm gonna explode," he said.
"I just…"
"You're just worried about me; I get it," he grumbled.
"Okay, I'm sorry," Sharon replied.
Alfie walked past her and into the kitchen, and she followed him.
"I just know how tough it is to go through all this alone," she tried, but he turned his back to her as he poured himself a glass of wine.
"Sharon, could you go out for a walk or something? I need to be alone," he said, not looking at her.
"It's a bit late for me to take a walk on my own. I'm not sure it's safe," Sharon replied.
"You're a cop for fuck's sake. Just take your gun with you," Alfie groaned.
"My gun is at home," Sharon declared.
"What kind of fucking cop are you, huh? Why'd you leave your gun at home?" Alfie bellowed.
"Municipal cops are not allowed to carry arms on commercial flights. It's the law," Sharon replied sternly. She looked at him. He didn't appear drunk or high, although this was far from his normal behavior. "Alfie, what's wrong with you?" her voice softened.
"My wife just died, and my ex is walking around my house like she lives in it, that's what's wrong," Alfie called out.
"Ex?" Sharon looked at him, scandalized. "Alfie, after last night, I was under the impression that we're back together."
"We're not," Alfie spat the words.
"Last night you seemed to think differently. What changed?" she asked curiously.
"We just had sex, Shay, like we always do," he replied. "Don't read too much into it."
"Don't read too much into it? Alfie, you asked me to get back together with you now that we are both unmarried. You said it loud and clear. Twice, actually."
"Well, I changed my mind. Are only women allowed to change their minds, or do men get to do that too?"
"And when exactly did you change your mind?" Sharon demanded to know.
"As soon as I said those stupid things to you, Shay," Alfie said.
"And you still proceeded to have sex with me, not considering that if I had known you were not serious about me, I wouldn't have slept with you?" Sharon's hands shook.
"That's bullshit, Shay. You always sleep with me," Alfie replied.
"I can't believe you just assumed…" Sharon paused and took a deep breath. "I would have refused, Alfie. I wouldn't have had sex with you last night if you told me that you changed your mind."
"Oh, come on!"
"Believe it or not, you don't know everything about me," Sharon called out. "And you've been disrespectful to me all day, and apparently, last night too."
"We all have sex we regret. Be a grown up and deal with it," Alfie replied, his voice void of emotion.
"Oh my God, you are being a real jerk right now. Do you know that?" Sharon asked.
Alfie shrugged.
Sharon closed her eyes and tried to calm down the rage that was burning her from the inside. No matter how many times she tried to tell herself that it was his grief talking and not the sweet Alfie she loved so much, this time the excuse didn't cut it. She had lines, and Alfie crossed them. And she wasn't going to indulge this behavior. Leaving the kitchen, she went into the bedroom and began packing up her belongings.
Alfie appeared at the doorway a moment later, watching her.
"Where are you going, Shay?" he asked as Sharon zipped her suitcase.
"I'm leaving," Sharon replied.
"I thought you said it wasn't safe outside," he said.
"I'm a grown-up; I'll deal with it," Sharon exclaimed as she made a quick booking at a nearby hotel and ordered an Uber to take her there. She knew that Emily's apartment was available for her, but she didn't want to spend another night on the folding bed, and she felt the need to be alone, anyway. After wearing her coat and wrapping her scarf around her neck, Sharon carried her trolley down the hall. Alfie watched her but didn't dare to follow her. Even though she could tell by the look in his eyes that he regretted the things he said, Sharon didn't intend on turning back, not even to throw one last look at the man who was once her first love, and a lifelong friend. As far as she was concerned, he was part of her past. No more would she be used and abused by a man she loved.
The cold night air hurt her lungs as she waited outside for the Uber. New York City was already quite chilly at this time of year, way too chilly for her to stay.
Sharon unlocked the door to her condo and dragged her trolley inside. It was already 11:00 p.m., and after her flight has been delayed twice, she was glad to be home finally.
She put her phone on her nightstand, resolutely ignoring all the text messages Alfie sent her to apologize for his behavior. It was beyond her abilities to deal with this right now, and she wasn't sure she could forgive his behavior anyway.
Quickly, she unpacked her trolley and then took a shower before heading to bed. When she boarded the flight to New York, a few days ago, she never imagined how upside down things were going to turn. She didn't realize how much doubt and guilt about her divorce she carried inside her, and how much Alfie's grief would affect her relationship with him. It felt like a few days away from home uprooted her entire life, left her clueless and lost.
As she sank into the mattress of her bed, she felt her body finally caving in under the weight of all the emotions she had to bottle inside her for the last two days of her trip. The grief and loss flooded her all at once, joined by the immense hopelessness she felt. In four days, she lost her marriage, her best friend, and a sizable chunk of her confidence. The tears that threatened to drown her from the inside gathered behind her eyes, and a guttural sob escaped her lips, followed by another one and another one until they formed one drawn-out sound. The dam inside her broke, and the tears sprung out of her eyes, soaking her pillow within a few short moments. The sound of her crying drowned out every other noise, so Sharon didn't hear her bedroom door opening or the sound of steps as Rainie walked in and settled on the bed behind her. She only became aware of her daughter's presence when Rainie draped her arm around her waist and pulled her close.
"I'm here, Sharon. I'm here."
-TBC-
As always, I'd love to know what you think about this chapter, so feel free to leave a review or send me a PM.