Sharon's heavy steps echoed as she walked the short distance from electronics to the conference room. If the last seventy-two hours had been a nightmare, the last twenty-four hours had been absolute hell. As if Julio's situation was not bad enough, every drop of wine she had had been consumed by the man who was standing just outside the conference room and waiting to talk to her. After a few days of extreme stress both in the personal and professional aspects of her life, she dreaded this conversation. Jack was there, and he wanted to explain his behavior, again. Even though she knew that she didn't have to listen to him, she also didn't want to ignore him. Jack was still the father of two of her children, and she wanted to make sure this incident would not affect Emily and Ricky.
"I'm sorry." Jack cut straight to the chase. "What I did was really stupid, and I want to apologize both for the inconvenience and especially for the incivility."
These words didn't really affect Sharon anymore. She'd heard it all before, dozens of times. "Okay." She acknowledged his apology. "And I hope that you will work your way back to sobriety because what I saw earlier will not fly with Ricky and Emily," she warned. Jack had hurt their children too many times already, and now that they could make their own choices, it was impossible for her to control their interactions with their father. Still, she wanted to make sure that Jack knew that being drunk around their kids would have unpleasant consequences.
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, after I leave here, I'm going to an AA meeting," Jack informed her.
Sharon knew that even now, after so many years of sobriety trashed by one epic slip, Jack's word could not be trusted. Still, she hoped, for the sake of their children, that Jack would put every effort into regaining and maintaining his sobriety.
"And there's this." Jack handed her a brown envelop. By the size and shape, she could tell it was full of bills.
She shook her head. She didn't want his money. All she wanted was for him to do what it took to avoid drinking ever again.
"Not gambling money," Jack said. "No. It's money I won in the settlement against the LAPD –"
Sharon couldn't look into his eyes. His good intentions always fared worse than his harsh and hurtful words. She could withstand insults and vulgarity, but she could not ignore the depth of his pain when he realized just how badly he messed up. She turned her gaze sideways, feeling her composure slipping away from her as she did.
"And I know it's not nearly what I owe you, but it's honestly got. And you deserve it."
Sharon swallowed hard as she avoided Jack's eyes again. She could almost feel his anguish.
"Use it for our kids, and I really hope you consider to see me again one day soon when I'm in better shape." Jack diverted his gaze, and Sharon could sense his shame.
The emotions that Jack's relapse evoked in her, combined with the emotions he emitted while standing in front of her and delivering one of his most heartfelt and truthful apologies, flooded her. If she didn't leave the room, Sharon knew that she would burst into tears.
"We'll see," she said noncommittally. "Take care, Jack."
"You too, Sharon. You too – Sharon?" The urgency in his voice when he said her name made her turn around. "I'm so sorry." He was on the verge of tears as well. "I'm so sorry that I took so much for granted." Seeing him try to blink his tears away was heartbreaking. His apologies were always the hardest part about walking away from him, but she had to stand her ground. This time, Jack's issues were no longer her problem. She reminded herself that she would have to let him go through this on his own as she stepped away from him and into another emotionally wrecking meeting with Sergeant Staples, Julio and Sergeant Provenza about Julio's future in the department.
She was relieved to walk through the door of her Jack-free condo about two hours later. Her energy levels were at an all-time low, and her capacity to keep her emotions in check dissolved as soon as she returned to her safe space.
Kicking her shoes off, she let herself flop on the couch like a ragdoll, feeling all the emotions she compartmentalized during the day flooding her at once.
The sound of the keys being turned in the lock startled her, and when she threw a glance at her watch, she realized that it was almost 10:00 p.m. and Rainie was getting back from work. The sight of her daughter walking through the door added panic to her stewing sentiments. Seeing Jack drunk must have triggered unhappy memories for Rainie too, and Sharon realized those needed to be addressed tonight, no matter how tired Sharon was.
"Oh, my God, that was such a long day." Rainie crashed on the couch by her mother's side.
"It was," Sharon nudged Rainie's discarded backpack off her foot.
"How's Julio doing? Did you clear him?" Rainie pulled her hair out of her ponytail.
"We did. He will need anger management sessions, but I think if he puts enough effort into it, he will eventually be fine," Sharon said.
"I'm glad. Julio is a good guy."
Sharon nodded and tucked a few of Rainie's curls behind her ear. Rainie was a bit paler than usual, and Sharon could see dark circles under her eyes. Working such long hours on Badge of Justice had begun to take its toll on the girl. Even though she wasn't sure Rainie was ready for an emotionally loaded conversation, she needed to discuss the issue of Jack tonight, before any emotional doubts took root.
"Rainie," she said softly. "I know it's late, but I want to talk to you about something."
Rainie hummed, rubbing her eyes.
"Last night when we tried to get Jack to leave," Sharon said. "And you insisted I should go back to work – it made me uncomfortable."
"Why?" Rainie's eyes widened like she didn't expect her helpfulness to backfire this way.
"I've been dealing with Jack's addiction for most of my adulthood, and the trauma of going through that is easily triggered in me. Leaving you with him, knowing about your childhood experiences with addicts, made me feel like I was putting you in harm's way," Sharon admitted.
"But I'm fine, Sharon," Rainie said.
"I know, but emotionally, seeing Jack drunk and behaving like he did, I'm sure wasn't easy for you."
"It wasn't hard for me seeing him that way, Sharon. What was really hard was seeing you when he said those horrible things to you," Rainie explained. "I know you've heard it all before, and that you think you're immune to the things he says, but he hurt you, and I could see it. I didn't want you to have to deal with it again."
"It's kind of you, but I –"
Rainie cut her off. "Sharon, Jack is bad, but it only hurts you because you loved him. That's what makes him dangerous, but I don't have any emotional connection to him. He's just a sloppy drunk to me. If you're worried about traumatizing me, then know that I'm fine, and you should not feel guilty about letting me help you."
Silence spread between them for a long moment as Sharon took in Rainie's words, sifting through the truth and the guilt.
"Sharon, have you ever attended Al-Anon?" Rainie wondered.
"No," The idea of having to tell others about her experiences with her father's and ex-husband's addiction was almost as scary as reliving the helplessness she felt to stop her loved ones from turning to the bottle.
"Dr. Joe recommended that I attend support groups last year," Rainie said. "I started going to a Nar-Anon group, and later on, I joined a support group for survivors of sexual abuse. It's not easy to talk about it, but it helps, because I've learned ways to cope with everything that happened to me, and it helps me keep my head above the water."
"You didn't tell me that you were attending support groups," Sharon said. For the millionth time, she wished she could take away her daughter's pain.
"The pain that I felt about everything that happened to me controlled and paralyzed me, and I wanted to be able to take the power back into my hands," Rainie explained. "I think it's helping me."
Sharon closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The courage that it would take for Sharon to go into one of those meetings, to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse she endured from men who were supposed to love her, would be immense. She wasn't sure she was ready to tackle those memories, or that she would ever be.
"Thank you, Rainie, I'll consider it."
"Whatever you decide to do, know that I'm always going to be here, Sharon." Rainie took her hand and squeezed it. "We're family, and whatever happens, we stick together. Isn't that what you always say?"
"It is," Sharon replied. "I love you, sweetheart. You're such a brave girl. I wish I could be more like you."
"You're plenty brave, Sharon, just a different kind of brave," Rainie replied and wrapped her arms around Sharon's shoulders. "And I love you too, more than anything and anyone."
Sharon wasn't sure she would ever be ready to dig in the festering wound of being the daughter and ex-wife of alcoholics. Although neither of them physically hurt her, the damage their words inflicted upon her soul was no lesser. Her comfort was the notion that regardless of her choice, she could always count on her children and the values she instilled in them to circle back around when she was the one who needed a hug. If Rainie already knew it, then Sharon was sure her older children knew it too, and it gave her the sense of relief she craved, at least for tonight.
-TBC-
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