W: just wanted to let you know
W: i love you more than pizza
W: ...don't tell pizza
D: hey
W: WHAT
D: whoa, okay who put your tights in a twist
W: tried to put my grandmother's cat's face in bread
W: im bleeding
W: all the pictures are of fangs, torn bread, and blood
D: american flags cost $17.76 at Walmart
W: well played, walmart.
D: im gonna have Connor and M'gann play Slender
W: this is gonna be good.
D: its going to rain in 5...4...
D: 3
D: 2
W: b.s.
D: 1
W: ...what is this witchcraft
D: i am like Mjolnir
D: i only allow worthy people to pick me up
W: then that means I'm worthy
D: go put a mirror on some stairs outside
W: ...
W: dude 7 people have freaked out so far this is awesome
D: going to Australia next week
D: luckily I have perfected the language
W: don't come back until you've found 42 Wallaby Lane, Sydney.
W: so you are rich right
D: last time i checked
W: so why haven't you bought out a whole concert
W: and the artist comes out and you're just sitting there like, 'hey brah'
D: this is a valid point
W: also,
W: YOU ARE RICH
W: SO WHY HAVENT YOU HIRED TWO PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS AND HAVE THEM FOLLOW EACH OTHER
W: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG
D: where are you?
W: down the street.
W: giving out free hugs for $1
D: when I was 6, I accidentally got Chuck drunk on rum and he swung around the circus with one of the throwing knives, hissing at everyone then mooned the lions
W: Chuck?
D: Chuckles the Chimp. We called him Chuck.
D: a real barrel of laughs, especially when drunk.
D: idiots
W: who?
D: whoever named the Sahara Desert.
D: 'Sahara' is the arabic word for 'deserts'
W: Desert Desert
D: furthermore,
D: 'Soviet' means union
W: ...Union Union
W: some of the best advice I've ever got was from my great uncle
W: who said 'forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name'
D: gee wally thanks for the pop-up book of phobias what a great gift
D: i particularly loved the freakin POP UP SPIDER
W: glad you liked it
W: i hate it when i lose something and adults go 'i guess you didn't care about it enough'
W: and I'm like, 'you've lost me in a grocery store.'
W: Dick,
D: ya
W: those elephants at the zoo seemed strangely familiar with you
W: like really, familiar
D: they were just being friendly
W: they WAVED GOODBYE TO YOU
D: your point is...?
W: YOU'VE BEEN BREAKING INTO THE ZOO AT NIGHT TO VISIT THE ELEPHANTS HAVEN'T YOU
D: you have no evidence.
W: i hated in elementary when the teacher would say 'pat yourself on the back'
W: like, can we not
W: but if you didn't it looked like you were defying the teacher
W: when really you just felt like an idiot doing it
D: i have not experienced this phenomenon before.
D: no but one time when i was five we went to this place that had friggin fire ants, these things are nasty and their bites are miserable
D: so my legs have like 15 bites on them, and my mom makes puts baking soda in the bathwater cause apparently it helps
D: she sets the box on the ledge of the bathtub then steps out for a minute
D: I think its sugar, and dump half the box of baking soda into my mouth.
W: Lmao dude how are you even alive
W: lemme get this straight
W: you and roy got a flat tire,
W: and somehow set it on fire.
D: shut up.
D: im going crazy
D: you're riding shotgun, you coming or what?
W: why did you make a sculpture out of butter
D: its not butter, its cheese
W: i can't believe its not butter
D: microwave a highlighter
W: im not getting yelled at again by mom for doing science in the microwave
D: today for some reason this lady thought I was shoplifting in Walgreens
D: and I had to empty all my pockets...
D: do you see how this would be an issue
D: in buckingham palace
D: im lost
D: oops think i tripped an alarm
D: this place makes wayne manor look small
D: where is everyone
D: can i get some directions please?
D: tourguide pamphlet?
D: anything?
D: apparently not
D: at least they have hackable wifi
D: Bruce isn't answering
D: i could have been kidnapped you know
D: your mom may lose you in grocery stores, but Bruce loses me in Buckingham Palace.
Shoutout to anyone and everyone who got a laugh out of this story. Booyah, guys ;)
The fire ant story is a true story that happened to me when I was 5 and was in Texas. I hold a grudge against baking soda to this day.
;)