A/N: This is a chapter I really enjoyed writing. It's not all happy, but it has some moments that fill my heart with joy. As always, blossom-of-snow is an amazing beta and I'm grateful for her help with this story.
Sharon rarely had the chance to lounge on the couch and watch TV without interruptions. Usually, Rainie occupied the entire couch and Sharon mostly joined what Rainie was watching rather than choose what to watch. Now, with Rainie at Heather's and Andy at a meeting, she could finally watch a documentary she recorded on her DVR nearly three months ago.
Halfway through the program, Sharon heard a knock on the door. She paused the film and gently set her tea down on a coaster, trying not to make a sound. She walked towards the door cautiously, eyes flickering to the hall table where her gun lay. When she peeked through the peephole, she was so relieved that she was almost pleased to see Sharon Beck standing at her door.
Sharon opened the door just when Rainie's biological mother turned to leave.
"Captain?" Judging by the instant release of tension in her shoulders, the younger woman was relieved to see Sharon.
Sharon forced a smile. Rainie's biological mother had been calling Sharon every few days, in case Rainie changed her mind about meeting with her, but the answer remained the same.
"I'm sorry for showing up unannounced," Sharon Beck said, and Sharon noticed the box Rainie's other mother was holding close to her rounding stomach. "Is Rainie at home?"
"No, she's out," Sharon replied.
Eyes bouncing from the package to Sharon's face, the young woman smiled sheepishly. "I know she doesn't want to talk to me, but I found something that I want her to have. I think it may help her consider my side too."
Sharon stifled a sigh. Being the buffer between the estranged mother and daughter was becoming increasingly exhausting.
"Can I leave this for her?" Sharon Beck handed Sharon the box. "These are albums. From when she was little, mostly."
Sharon realized that she had no idea what Rainie looked like as a baby or a child. The earliest photograph she's seen of Rainie was in her DCFS file, and it was taken when she was about fourteen.
"It wasn't all bad, you know." Sharon Beck bit her lip. "We had some good times too."
Sharon took the box from Rainie's biological mother, unsure what to say.
"I tried with her, I really did. She wasn't an easy child, and I was very young. I'm gonna be a better mother now."
It took most of Sharon's willpower not to grimace. "Sharon, I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to do what's best for Rainie, and respect her wishes."
But she kept trying to explain away her mistakes. "I know that I was far from perfect, but I never stopped loving her. Even when I wasn't around. I just can't understand why she has such a huge problem with the baby. She's too old to be jealous, isn't she?"
"Rainie isn't jealous of the baby," Sharon said. "She doesn't want anything to do with it because it's Gary's child."
"Look, I know Gary and Rainie never got along –"
"He raped her," Sharon said, her voice dangerously low. "That's a bit more than not getting along."
"But it's not the baby's fault," Sharon Beck said.
"I know, but we have to respect Rainie's emotions and decisions about this."
"Do you think showing her the albums will change her mind?" Sharon Beck asked.
"Maybe. At the very least, I think she'll appreciate the happy moments you had together when she was little," Sharon said, trying to offer some comfort to the other woman without committing to anything.
"Thank you for your help, Sharon. I know you love her just as much as I do," Sharon Beck said.
Sharon offered a soft smile as she watched Sharon Beck walking towards the elevators. After shutting the door, she placed the box on the dining table and went back to watching the documentary. Even if she could infringe on Rainie's privacy, she wasn't ready to open that time capsule.
As the end credits of the documentary rolled, Sharon heard the key turning in the lock, and Rainie walked into the condo. Sharon turned the television off to greet her daughter.
"How was your date night?" she asked.
"It was nice. I think things are getting better between us," Rainie said as she hung her coat and removed her shoes.
"Oh, yeah?" Sharon asked.
"Yes. She has a lot of questions about what it was like to be homeless, but I think she's beginning to understand that my past doesn't define me."
It took a long time for Rainie to believe that she could have a future that wasn't influenced by her past. Granted, there were moments she felt weak and uncertain, but she knew how to ask for help, and Sharon made sure Rainie knew that she would always be there to listen and help pick her up. But having others who believed in and understood her gave Rainie other people to turn to.
"I hope one day she'll be able to look at me and not see a former hooker or a rape victim," Rainie said. "Maybe someday she'll think of me as a survivor."
"Give her time, honey. It wasn't easy for me to learn that you've been abused, even before I became your mother, and believe me, I've seen a lot of horrible things in my line of work. It's very different when it's someone you care about."
Rainie rounded the couch and flopped onto the cushion next to her mother. "I know."
Tucking an errant ginger strand behind Rainie's ear, Sharon tried to smile through the anxiety of the next step in this conversation. "Good."
"So how did you spend your night?" Rainie asked.
"I watched a documentary film about twins who were separated at birth or in their early childhood," Sharon said, her voice airy in a failed attempt to sound casual. "And I received a surprise visit."
"Did Andy stop by?" Rainie asked.
"No, actually," Sharon said and pushed herself off the couch. "Your mother came here."
Glancing over her shoulder as she walked to the kitchen table, Sharon could see Rainie's nostrils flare.
"I know that you don't want to talk to her, and that's okay. She did leave something for you, though." Sharon lifted the box and handed it to Rainie.
Rainie didn't touch it. "What is it?"
"Albums. She said she found your baby pictures and she thought you'd like to have them," Sharon explained.
"I didn't even know she kept albums," Rainie said.
"I thought that we could maybe look through them together if you're okay with that." Sharon was curious to see Rainie's baby pictures, but she also wanted to be there to support Rainie in case some of the photos brought up painful memories.
"Yeah, that's fine." Rainie accepted the box and opened it on her lap.
Sharon took a seat by her side and watched as her daughter removed the lid and took out the first album, titled "Rainie – 0-6 months". The first few photos were taken in the hospital, shortly after Rainie's birth. A teenage Sharon Beck was cuddling the baby, the look on her face overwhelmed and loving at the same time. Newborn Rainie had a serene expression on her face as she slept in her mother's arms.
"I've never seen these," Rainie traced a finger over the bright ginger tuft of hair she had in the photo. "I can't believe this is me."
The next photos showed Rainie growing bigger, learning to hold her bottle, playing peekaboo.
"Aww, this is adorable," Sharon said when they reached a photo where Rainie was sitting on the floor, smiling widely with only one tooth in her mouth.
"Look at all this drool!" Rainie groaned.
"Babies drool a lot when they teethe," Sharon said. "But it's a lovely photo. Look at that smile. You still have the same smile."
They continued leafing through the albums as they traced Rainie's early years through the photos. Now and then, Rainie told a story or shared a memory related to photos.
"Look at this, your fifth birthday," Sharon said as she looked at Sharon Beck's neat handwriting next to the photo. The photos showed Rainie blowing over the candles on her cake. "You told me about that birthday once. Do you remember?"
"Yes, the one when my mother baked a cake," Rainie said. "It was a great birthday."
They turned the page, revealing what could only be described as the worst bunch of childhood photos anyone could have. In the first one Rainie wore a stained shirt and sported a black eye as she played with blocks. Another photo showed Rainie with stringy, filthy hair and a dirty face as she drew on a piece of paper. In the next photo, Rainie sat on her mother's knees with a bloody nose.
"She must have been high when she put these photos here," Rainie muttered.
As Sharon turned the page, she found a couple of photos of Rainie as an older child, about eight or nine, and by then the girl looked malnourished and gloomy. After leafing through several albums of beautiful, smiling, and happy Rainie, these photos looked out of place, yet Sharon knew that they told the story of what happened to Rainie once Gary came into their lives. They both knew how the story ended so Sharon closed the album that was already close to its end. There weren't any other albums, and she assumed that once Sharon Beck sank deeper into drugs, she stopped taking photos of her daughter.
Rainie's unblinking, damp eyes didn't leave the album cover.
"Honey, are you okay?" Sharon asked, rubbing a palm up and down Rainie's back.
"I wish it didn't end like this," Rainie whispered.
"We can take those photos out of there," Sharon prompted.
"It won't change the past," Rainie replied.
"No, it won't."
"You know, looking at these photos, I can't help but think that if my mother never met Gary, things would be alright. Maybe we wouldn't have much money, but we could still be happy."
Sharon couldn't help but agree. The albums clearly depicted a loving but insecure mother endeavoring to give her daughter what she could.
"I know she loves me, and that she wants me to be a part of her life, but the baby –" Rainie paused and took a deep breath. "It's just too much for me."
"I think your mother sees this baby as a second chance at motherhood. And some of these photos prove that she is capable of being a good mother," Sharon said.
"I never said she couldn't be one. I'm just saying that I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want a relationship with the baby, and now my mother and the baby are a packaged deal, I have to give her up too."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I love her, and I even forgive her for some of the things she's done to me. But she hasn't been a permanent fixture in my life for almost six years now, and I have a real family and friends and people who truly love me and care about my well-being. I don't need her in my life."
"I'm not asking you to choose between us," Sharon said.
"I know, but I think it's better for me."
Better is what I want for you. "In that case, your mother needs to hear this from you. I don't mind being the mediator between you, but there are things I can't do for you," Sharon said.
"I'll call her tomorrow and talk to her," Rainie promised.
Sharon was sure that Rainie's other mother wouldn't be thrilled to hear that her daughter has given up on their relationship. She could understand how this could be frustrating for Sharon Beck, but she couldn't judge Rainie's choice or Sharon Beck's situation. It was what it was.
"Mom, can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Rainie asked.
"Sure, honey," Sharon said.
Rainie disappeared into the bathroom to get ready for bed while Sharon put away the albums. Soon she would take the time to go over them again and pick a few photos that she wanted to keep on display before moving the rest to her storage unit. After she shut the memories away, she went to her bedroom and changed into her comfortable and soft pajamas.
Rainie came into the bedroom a moment later. It took Sharon a moment to recognize the shirt her daughter wore, the black, ragged, twenty year old T-shirt that Rainie refused to part from when she came to live with Sharon. If Sharon remembered correctly, this used to be Sharon Beck's shirt. It's been a while since Rainie had worn it, but Sharon could understand why she chose to wear it tonight. As they both crawled into bed, Rainie snuggled close to her.
"Mom, can you hold me?" she asked in a faint voice.
Sharon wrapped her arm around her daughter's waist, tucking Rainie's head under her chin. "I love you, honey, and I support whatever decision you make, but I also want you to know that you don't have to do this."
"It's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I need to do this for myself. I need the past to stop resurfacing," Rainie said.
"Are you sure? Maybe you could talk about it with Dr. Joe."
"I already have," Rainie replied. "He said that if I make such a drastic decision, I will need a lot of support."
Sharon kissed the top of Rainie's head and tugged her closer. "And you will have it. You'll have all the support you'll need, my love."
After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Sharon's phone rang. She picked it up, noticing it was a FaceTime call from Andy.
"Hi babe," he said as soon as she answered. "Just wanted to say goodnight." Sharon was about to wish him goodnight when he noticed Rainie.
"Hey, Rainie!" he said.
"How's it going?" the girl responded.
"Great. I see you're having some mother-daughter time, so I won't interrupt. I just wanted to send you both my love."
"Love you, Andy," Rainie said.
Andy blew Rainie a kiss. "You too, kiddo."
"Goodnight, darling. I love you," Sharon said before hanging up.
"You've got a good man, Mom," Rainie commented through a yawn. "Night."
Rainie fell asleep several moments later, but Sharon listened to her youngest daughter's even breath for a while. She never asked for a third child, but this girl came along, feisty and kicking and impossible to reject. She was happy that Rainie became her daughter, and she would do anything for her, as a mother should. Regardless of the brave front Rainie erected, Sharon knew that the next few weeks, possibly months wouldn't be easy for her. She promised herself to be as attentive to Rainie as possible and make sure to create a safe environment for her. More than anything, she longed to see that carefree baby smile return.
-TBC-