A/N: This chapter takes place during "White Lies", which was probably one of the best arcs in the entire show. Sharon was a real badass in the episode, but what do things look like when she's the suspect in an FID investigation?
As always, heartfelt thanks go to blossom-of-snow for editing this story.
Sharon followed Lieutenant Joe Camacho down the hall of Internal Affairs, past what used to be her office before her transfer to Major Crimes. She threw a glance at the temporarily empty office. Her successor, who Sharon trained herself, redecorated it with soft tones of blue. The color calmed Sharon's rapidly beating heart as she followed Lieutenant Camacho to an interview room.
"Please sit down, Captain Raydor," the Lieutenant said.
Sharon sat down on a squeaky faux leather chair that was nailed to the floor. She could see the two handles under the table where the arrestee's cuffs were usually attached. She knew the features of the furniture in the room, but this was the first time she was on the wrong side of the table. So this is what it felt like to be a suspect.
Her heart beat erratically, the adrenaline rushing through her veins. How did all of this happen? How did she end up shooting someone in the chest and losing her commander and several acquaintances from the DA's office in less than a minute? Sharon closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn't dwell on those thoughts right now. Because she used to be one of them, she expected Lieutenant Camacho to be especially hard on her, to avoid accusations of leniency or favoritism.
"Before we begin, would you like something to drink? Water or coffee, maybe?" Lieutenant Camacho asked.
"I'm fine," Sharon replied. Surely they wouldn't hold that lie against her.
"Okay, so before we ask any further questions, I would like you to know that you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?" He waited until she nodded before continuing. "With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?"
Even though Sharon had given the Miranda warning to other officers before, being on the receiving end of it unnerved her. She knew it was a standard procedure, and the investigation into her shooting Dwight Darnell was meant to clear her name, not stain it. Yet it felt so wrong.
Sharon knew that shooting another person, even for justifiable reasons, was a serious issue, and she wondered if she should consult a lawyer. If she had done anything wrong, that might be the logical thing to do, but since she had not, she wanted nothing more than to cooperate and get her interrogation over and done with.
"Am I in custody?" she asked.
Lieutenant Camacho folded his hands on the table. A nervous tick, if Sharon remembered correctly. "You're not under arrest. If at the end of this interview, we feel that we require further investigation into your actions, you might be held in custody."
The possibility of arrest had never hung over Sharon's head before. It loomed over her, clouding her rationale only briefly before the images of Chief Taylor's body permeated the fog. She had work to do. She waived her rights.
For the next hour and a half, she answered the Lieutenant's questions, feeling more at ease as the interview progressed. Understanding the reasoning behind every question helped. When Lieutenant Camacho left the interrogation room, Sharon suddenly felt exhaustion washing over her. Waiting allowed the adrenaline rush to give way to extreme lethargy. That was the part she knew would be the worst – waiting until FID decided to either let her go or detain her for further questioning. Their decision could take an hour to reach, or it could take half a day. In any case, Sharon knew the entire investigation would end within 72 hours.
She was surprised when Lieutenant Camacho returned to the room barely an hour later.
"Captain Raydor, thank you for your cooperation. After examining the details of your statement and talking to the witnesses at the scene, we determined that shooting Dwight Darnell was a justifiable action. That said, you are not cleared for active duty yet. As you probably know, before we conclude this case, you will need to meet with Behavioral Science to assess your mental ability to return to the field."
Sharon nodded, relieved that her name was cleared so quickly. She wasn't sure if her former colleagues at FID, half of whom she trained, cut corners for her, but she knew they processed her case much faster than they would have any other case. She wasn't going to give them any grief for that, though.
On her way out of Internal Affairs, Sharon stopped by Lizzie's, the division's clerk, desk and scheduled her appointment with Behavioral Science for the following day. She knew that her team needed her to join them and investigate the atrocity that unfolded in court.
Before leaving the seventh floor, she stopped by the bathroom. She needed a moment to freshen up, take a deep breath, and compartmentalize her emotions before she'd be able to return to what was bound to be a long and hectic day. As soon as she saw her reflection in the mirror, she took a step back. There was blood on her face. Three crimson spatters. She wasn't sure if it was Chief Taylor's or Dwight's blood, but it was enough to rattle her. The sight of blood never bothered her. After all, she gave birth twice and saw dead bodies on a daily basis. But having someone else's blood on her face was overwhelming. Not knowing whether it belonged to the hero or the villain felt even worse, although either option was horrible in its own way.
Sharon wet a paper towel and gently wiped the stains off. Once it was all gone, her face seemed unaffected, and that was enough for her to pretend that everything was fine.
As she waited for the elevator, Sharon checked her phone, noticing several texts from Provenza, updating her about the case. In the last one he sent her, Provenza said that Rainie had come over, distraught and sobbing about Dr. Joe's death.
"Shit," she spat, relieved that no one was around her to hear her swear.
Sharon wanted to be with her daughter and calm her down, but the investigation into the court shooting had to take priority. Once she could spare a moment to ascertain what Provenza said to her daughter about Dr. Joe, she also learned of Dwight's death. She almost felt relief. Dwight had ruined lives every single day. Interrogating him was one less thing for her to worry about.
After seeing her detached reaction to the news, Provenza's clearly didn't recognize the woman in front of him. Anger simmered beneath Sharon's calm façade. What the hell did he expect? Did he expect her to burst into tears over the death of a Neo-Nazi? Did he expect her to feel bad? As Provenza tried to offer her words of comfort, to reach her heart, she shut him down. She didn't need comfort. The only emotion that surfaced within her was rage. For what? At whom? She barely knew.
Dealing with Rainie's grief over Dr. Joe was one thing Sharon hoped never to have to deal with again. Her daughter was already in a puddle by the time Sharon walked into her office to talk to her. Rainie's eyes were puffy and red from crying, her nose was running, and her cream skin had a flushed tint. For the first time since she urged Rainie to meet with Dr. Joe, Sharon realized what an emotional crutch the weekly meetings with the quirky psychiatrist were. For one thing, he was one of the first openly gay people Rainie met, which gave her confidence in her sexual orientation. Secondly, he provided a safe place for her to unburden the big and small burdens of her life and helped her promote healthy thinking processes and decision making. Of course, Sharon knew that Rainie did most of the work, but Dr. Joe was a catalyst in Rainie's budding adulthood. The devastation Rainie was experiencing was real, even if unnecessary for the time being.
"Honey, I need you to look at me for a moment," Sharon demanded. She needed Rainie to hear her out, to really listen and not put up a fight. Fighting with Rainie would break Sharon's resolve to go through this day without falling apart.
Rainie lifted her tearful gaze and looked into Sharon's eyes.
"Dr. Joe is alive," Sharon said slowly. "He was badly injured and underwent surgery, but he is very much alive."
Rainie's jaw dropped. "But the news said –"
"We need people to believe that Dr. Joe is dead. If friends and family show up at the ICU –"
"Yeah, but what if he dies and I never get to see him again?" Rainie's voice shook.
"No, we can't think that way." Sharon's voice cracked. The idea that the damage Dwight inflicted still held power over those she loved and that more people could end up dead because of him was just too much for her to handle right now. Not while she had to be strong for her daughter as well as her entire division, all while dealing with the loss of Chief Taylor.
She was almost happy when Rainie started asking questions that diverted the attention away from the painful subject of death. It gave her a chance to discuss the matter from a job-related point of view rather than a maternal one.
The day only got worse when Wildred Darnell showed up in Sharon's office to inquire about her son's body. Ignoring the emotional undertone of the meeting, Sharon decided to question the other woman about the Z-brotherhood and Deputy Simms. Wildred's refusal to talk about Jordan Graff or Deputy Simms was a clue in itself, and while Sharon couldn't act on a hunch, she was sure Dwight's mother was somehow connected to the murders.
It was almost 9 p.m. when Sharon decided that her team should go home. They worked throughout the day with barely any break. She couldn't recall seeing anyone eating the entire day, and she hadn't eaten anything since she left the house for court that morning. If they were going to stay sharp and solve this case before more deaths occurred, they all needed to rest.
She let Andy drive, and Rainie texted her to let her know that she cooked dinner and left plates for them in the microwave. Sharon was glad Rainie spared Andy and her the trouble of cooking tonight. Both of them were too exhausted to handle their daily chores.
It was much later, as Sharon lay in bed, Andy's arms engulfing her as he snored lightly behind her, that she let tears roll down her face. She wasn't sure why she was crying. It wasn't about Chief Taylor, nor about killing Dwight or about Rainie's earlier grief. Whatever the cause of her tears, Sharon knew that her emotions were so embroiled in each other that she could barely recognize herself. She needed to take time for herself and detangle her feelings before she could deal with them one by one. She needed a consult.
-TBC-