A/N: This chapter takes place during White Lies as well. I think it gives a little glimpse into some of the issues Sharon will have in the future but also with her relationship with the church, which I felt was not adequately explained on the show.
As always, I thank blossom-of-snow for her help with this story.
The Catholic church has always been there for Sharon. Despite growing up in a Catholic family, Sharon wasn't particularly religious as a child. Her mother attended church every week, but Sharon thought that her mother's attendance was a duty rather than a genuine belief.
After an awful fight with Sharon's father, Margaret told ten-year-old Sharon, "If God loved us, our life would be easier."
The following day when Sharon asked Sister Hedwig, her teacher, why God didn't love her family, Margaret was brought to school to explain why her child was uttering blasphemy. Rather than betray the problems in her marriage, Sharon's mother pretended not to know where Sharon had heard such a horrible thing. Per Sister Hedwig's advice, Margaret signed Sharon up for Sunday school for the rest of the year to strengthen her daughter's belief in the Church.
What began as an uncomfortable obligation for Sharon soon became her safe harbor. While her mother and the nuns at school thought that attending Sunday school achieved its intended goal to rectify Sharon's problematic attitude towards the Church, Sharon didn't see it that way. She found that her faith grounded her when her foundations shook. Through the years, her church hosted plenty of extra-curricular activities that kept Sharon away from her miserable home life. Concerned that her daughter's faith had gone too far, Margaret tried to pry Sharon away from church activities as much as she could. Her misunderstanding of Sharon's relationship with her faith was so great that she worried her daughter would become a nun, so she encouraged Sharon's relationship with Alfie. But even the great love and attraction Sharon felt for Alfie couldn't sway her away from the community she had found within the Catholic Church.
When she met Jack in college, Sharon was happy to discover that they were like-minded when it came to religion. Even after their marriage fell apart, they still shared the same idea of what it meant to be Catholic, although Jack was lax in his observance of religious practices. After Jack left her, St. Joseph's provided a reliable support system for Sharon. The church staff helped her with childcare and gave both Emily and Ricky scholarships to its excellent Catholic schools. When Sharon felt lost or insecure in her choices, she always found a sounding board in her priest. Father Stan started his priesthood at St. Joseph's of Nazareth around the same time that Sharon began attending twenty-one years earlier.
Even several days after shooting Dwight Darnell, Sharon struggled to cope. She didn't have much of an issue with the fact that she killed Dwight, which was precisely the problem. Sharon knew she had a powerful conscience and strong emotions, so the ambivalence that she felt toward taking Dwight's life was uncharacteristic for her. The idea that she could remorselessly kill a person terrified her. What kind of person did that make her?
"Don't you think that caring about not caring is a sign of conscience?" Father Stan asked.
Did her psyche really twist on itself, as Father Stan suggested? Was the knowledge that killing someone is an adverse action enough? Was this the only thing she needed to feel about it to be a decent human being?
"Father, I'm in a strange place. I don't wanna be the kind of person who takes a human life without feeling, and if this job has done that to me, and if I really am confessing, knowing that I'm supposed to seek absolution but not really thinking I need it…"
"Maybe you don't feel like getting absolution for killing Dwight Darnell because you already have it," Father Stan said.
"Do I?" Sharon wondered.
Father Stan explained all the ways in which the important people and frameworks in Sharon's life absolved her of wrongdoing. "And I am telling you that God holds you more dearly for seeking penance where none is required."
Hearing those words, Sharon reflected on the day her mother said to her that God didn't love them. Sister Hedwig once told Sharon that God loved all his creatures, big and small, and that no one received a challenge they couldn't brave. "If you work hard to stay on the right path, you will be worthy of God's love," Sister Hedwig promised. Throughout her life, Sharon clung to those promises, especially when times were hard or when things didn't go the way she'd hoped. Her faith kept her going, and people like Sister Hedwig and Father Stan served as her compass, guiding her towards her true north.
Father Stan suddenly made Sharon realize that just like Sister Hedwig promised, her hard work has paid off. Her life was not free of challenges, nor would it be in the future, but she was a good, conscientious person, and no one, not even Dwight Darnell, could take that away from her.
Father Stan wondered if Sharon needed absolution from another person. After giving it some thought, Sharon realized that the person she wanted absolution from was someone who sought a different kind of absolution.
Interviewing Wildred Darnell might not have been the smartest thing to do from a liability standpoint, but Sharon had a hunch that Wildred was the key to everything she needed, both on the personal and professional sides of her life. Hearing Wildred's sincere regret for the terrible actions of her son and the love she harbored for the boy he used to be was what Sharon needed. Being a single mother, Sharon could identify with the other woman's need to fill the gap of the missing father, often without success. Wildred also gave her something no one else could. She reminded Sharon that Dwight's soul might have been lost long before his death, but someone still loved and grieved him. He could have been an outstanding young man had he not been influenced by radical people who used his deprivation to introduce him to dangerous racist ideas that contradicted the morals he was taught as a child. It was always easier to manipulate those in suffering.
Once Sharon understood the process that turned Dwight into a cold-blooded murderer, Detective Nolan's claim that Jordan Graff had a silent partner started making sense to her. There had to be someone much more influential than Graff, someone powerful and with even more crooked morals than both Graff and Dwight. Sharon knew that finding this person would be the key to solving the case and bring justice to the families and friends of the people murdered by Dwight and the white supremacists that kept his company.
Even after turning in that night, Sharon kept wondering about the identity of that third party. When Andy's light snores against her shoulder began distracting her, she slipped out of the warmth of his arms. She put on her cream cashmere robe, walked towards the living room, and sank into the orange armchair.
She didn't notice Andy's presence until he uttered her name.
A soft and lengthy moan rolled out of her mouth as she took his hand in hers.
Andy knelt by the armchair. "You okay?" A gentle smile adorned his features.
"Yes." She returned the smile. "Did I wake you?"
"No, I rolled over and –" Andy paused to kiss the back of her hand. "You weren't there. You still troubled with shooting Dwight?"
Sharon shook her head and explained to Andy the cause of her insomnia, expecting that he would jump on the opportunity to discuss the case with her. To her surprise, Andy refused to indulge her.
"Babe, I know that it's a high-profile case, but you can't solve it on no sleep," he said softly as he gently pulled on her arm to make her get up. "Let's go to bed."
"I don't think I can sleep, Andy," Sharon replied. "I know you mean well, but my mind is wide awake."
"Then let me help you calm down." It sounded like an innuendo, and judging by his grimace, Andy realized it too.
"My libido is the only thing about me that's asleep tonight," Sharon said.
"I was thinking more along the line of holding you close to help you calm down."
"Oh, alright," Sharon relented. Her body was exhausted, even if her mind wasn't. She followed Andy back to her – their bedroom and allowed him to remove her robe and gently lead her to their bed. They both laid down, and Andy's arms snaked around Sharon's waist.
"Are you comfortable?" he asked after tightening his hold on her.
She hummed affirmatively.
"Good, now close your eyes and take a deep breath," he instructed.
Sharon breathed deeply, as Andy guided her in a breathing exercise. With every exhale, her mind relinquished more of its control of her body until Sharon felt like she was floating on a cloud that hung between sleep and wakefulness.
"Goodnight, sweetheart," Andy's words rocked her into the sleep that engulfed her.
-TBC-