D: I didn't find out until I was 11 that Penelope and cantaloupe don't rhyme
W: I just told my mom she is busting up
W: why was there a fire?
D: long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch.
D: it was a theif
W: thief?
D: Theif
W: I before E
W: Except after C
D: Thceif
W: No
W: I'm am gonna whoop your ass one way or another
D: ONE WAY
D: OR ANOTHER
D: IM GONNA FIND YA
D: IM GONNA
W: GETCHA
W: GETCHA
W: GETCHA
D: GETCHA
W: I almost started crying from laughing so hard in the cafeteria today
D: why
W: I remembered Scooby doo 's full name is Scoobert Doobert
D: people get all riled up about girls wearing short shorts and skimpy clothes and act like it's a generational thing, but like according to plutarch, 2100 years ago mark antony - famous politician and party bro, was notorious for wearing really short tunics whenever he was going to be seen by a bunch of people so that he could show off his sexy, muscular legs, so either we need to stop this misogynistic nonsense about how women dress or we need to start slutshaming Mark Antony too
W: I'm down for slut shaming mark antony
W: IM HOME ALONE AND MY PARENTS FORGOT TO TELL ME THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE PAINTING OUR HOUSE SO IVE BEEN REENACTING LES MIS AND I JUST VIOLENTLY THREW OPEN MY WINDOW TO YELL 'CANNONS' AND THE POOR GUY NEARLY FELL OFF HIS STEPLADDER
W: IM GONNA GET SUED
D: toast annoys me so much cause its like bread that been toasted so we call it toast but if you fry a potato its not call a fry
D: fries
D: do you ever look back at your mistakes
W: so my class has a very awkward teacher this year who told us he accidentally killed his cat by sitting on it
W: so now every time he sits down the whole class meows violently
D: little kids picking up animals makes me incredibly nervous
W: Theres a video of me when I'm like 3 years old at a petting zoo and I'm sitting down with little piglets crawling into my lap and my mom is like "they think you're the mommy pig" and then I start picking them up and throwing them and my mom goes "WALLY STOP" and the video cuts
W: I wanna be there reverse tooth fairy where I rob people and then scatter human teeth on their bed
D: a dentist
W: I don't know what your dentist is doing to you but I think you need to go to the police
W: my mom has started us eating healthy and outlawed sugar.
W: Amongst other things I legitimately just sold my dad a cookie like it were drugs
W: wth is that noise?
D: dont go in there
R: …
W: we goin in
W: I hate to bring up the elephant in the room, but WTF GRAYSON
R: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AN ELEPHANT
W: HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IT IN HERE
D: WOULD YOU GUYS JUST CALM DOWN UNTIL I GET BACK?!
*swan dives behind the couch*
LETS PRETEND I WASNT GONE FOR A MILLENNIA
BE NICE TO MEEEEEEEEE
.. pls