A/N: I've hinted before that I was giving Sharon two different emotional journeys to substitute the ending that didn't happen. The first one of those plots begins this chapter. This journey will last almost until the end of the story, so I hope you feel better about it than you did about the plot we received.
Memories had a way of surfacing at the wrong time. Sharon's job often offered difficult moments that made it hard to suppress some of her personal experiences, even though she seldom lost her professionalism. On the rare occasion that she let herself get too emotionally involved in a case, it almost always ended badly.
"Earth to Sharon," Andy's said. It took her a moment to recognize that she was in her office. "You okay, babe?"
"Uh, I'm fine. I was just stuck in my head for a bit. I'm sorry," Sharon said.
"Where did your mind go?" Andy asked, a worried expression on his face.
They were reviewing evidence that proved a fifteen-year-old girl choked her abusive father in his sleep. The girl admitted to the crime prior to being Mirandized and broke into tears during the subsequent interrogation. Even without her confession, the evidence, Alyssa's beaten face, and her father's blood alcohol level told the story. The murder may have been premeditated, but there were extenuating circumstances. Sharon wished that her position allowed her to take Alyssa's side.
Andrea knocked on the doorframe and stepped into Sharon's office. "You wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes, I was wondering what we can do for Alyssa," Sharon said, motioning toward the chair next to Andy.
Andrea furrowed her brow and cocked her head. "There's not much I can do for her. This was a premeditated murder."
"Alyssa was scared and abused, and she wasn't Mirandized properly. So if there is anything that we can do for her, we should do it."
"Sharon, the extenuating circumstances will be considered, but you understand that –" Andrea paused when Sharon waved her hand.
"I realize what she did was against the law. But she felt like she had no choice," Sharon argued, her voice cracking. "She was living in hell."
"Why are you so invested in this?" Andy interjected. "Is it because of Rainie?"
Sharon hadn't aimed her daggers at Andy in a long time, but she did not hesitate now. "Believe it or not, I can have compassion for a child who is not my own. Alyssa is fifteen, and she's not okay. Did you look at her? She's been crying for two days in our interrogation room."
"You want her to walk away after murdering another human being?" Andrea asked.
"Of course not. But what this girl needs is a treatment that will help her cope with everything she's been through and the guilt that she's experiencing over what she's done."
"That may be true, but it's not our job to provide counseling to suspects," Andy said.
He was right. It wasn't their role to determine what Alyssa's life would look like from now on. The DDA's office called that shot.
But Sharon couldn't let it go. Her memories wouldn't allow it.
"You know what? I am removing myself from this case." Sharon braced her hands on her desk and pushed herself to her feet. "I'm biased, and if I can't be helpful to either Alyssa or the division, I need to sit this one out. I'm sorry." Normally, she would dismiss them so that she could regroup, but suddenly, her office didn't feel like the safe space it had always been. Shaking her head, Sharon walked out of her office.
As usual, Andy couldn't just let her go. "Biased? What do you mean?"
Sharon heard Andy's footsteps close behind her. "Don't follow me, please. I need – I just need a moment for myself."
Sharon didn't have a specific destination, so when she saw the closed bathroom door, she careened toward it. Staring at her reflection in the long mirror, she willed her throat to clear so that she could scream. How many times did her father come back from work intoxicated and yelling? How many times did she feel the burning rage in the face of such abuse? He only hit her once, but no slap could be more painful than his lashing tongue. Ending her father's life to provide a better life for her mother and herself never crossed her mind. She knew that Alyssa was wrong, but Sharon was also able to see the love the girl felt for her father and the deep grief that came with losing him. It was an impossible situation.
The thoughts and memories and traps choked Sharon like a vice grip on her throat, and she leaned against the wall and sank to the floor. Her breath quickened as her mind betrayed her with its relentless assault.
The creak of the opening restroom door provided a sudden but welcome distraction.
"Hey." Andrea's heels clacked against the tile, and as soon as she was within reach, she knelt next to Sharon. "What's going on?"
"Nothing." The lie sounded stupid to her own ears.
Taking a seat next to Sharon, Andrea squeezed Sharon's shoulder. "You know, it's been pretty clear in the last couple of days that you're not okay."
Sharon remained silent. She knew Andrea was right, but she'd be damned if she admitted it.
"And I'm here right now as your friend, not as a DDA," Andrea said.
Sharon buried her face in her hands, but her tears wouldn't come.
"Why is this case hitting you so hard?" Andrea asked. "You said it's not because of Rainie, but it feels like you have a personal connection to Alyssa Everwood."
"I've never met her before," Sharon replied in a monotone. Facts had always been her friend in situations she didn't want to unpack.
"Yes, but there's still something about her that affects you," Andrea said.
Sharon shrugged. "I'm sympathetic to her situation."
"It's more than that. I know you, Sharon. You're always sympathetic, and this is not your normal behavior," Andrea insisted. "Look, removing yourself from this case is probably the wisest thing to do. Your team is qualified and will be able to handle what's left of this case without you. Why don't you head home and rest, and after I'm done here, you'll come over for a quiet dinner at my place?"
"Dinner?" Sharon asked.
"Yeah. We'll order in whatever you like – sushi, pizza, Vietnamese – anything you want."
The relief Sharon knew she should feel wouldn't come either. "I guess we could do that."
"Good, I'll text you my address. I'll see you around six?"
Sharon nodded.
"Now, come on." Andrea hoisted herself off the floor and held out both hands to her friend. "We're too old to be sitting on hard surfaces."
They left the restroom together, and Andrea returned to the murder room to retrieve Sharon's purse. Sharon sent Andy a quick text to let him know her plans.
As she drove home, her mind, emptied of all its horrors, was blank. Even as she took a warm bath and then curled in front of the television to watch an old movie, she mentally checked out.
A few hours later, she knocked on Andrea's condo door. She was not surprised to discover that Andrea lived in a luxury building. She always got the sense that Andrea led a wealthy lifestyle.
Andrea opened the door, wearing a baby pink top and a pair of dark blue jeans. She greeted Sharon warmly and invited her in.
The first thing Sharon noticed as she walked into the artistically designed apartment was that Andrea's balcony had a beautiful view of Downtown LA.
"Wow." The word slipped from her mouth before she even had time to appreciate the rest of her surroundings.
"I love this view," Andrea said. "It comforts me to sit on the balcony at the end of a rough day." She motioned towards the balcony, and Sharon followed her. "I hope you don't have a fear of heights."
"I'm good," Sharon replied. Andrea lived on the twenty-sixth floor and the view was even more breathtaking from the balcony. "Andrea, this is spectacular, really."
After a few moments on the porch, they went back in, and Andrea opened a bottle of Zinfandel rosé. They chatted about nothing in particular as they ate the dinner they ordered from a French restaurant Andrea recommended.
After they finished eating, Andrea broached the elephant in the room. "So it's been a rough day."
Sharon nodded. "How is Alyssa doing?"
"Not good, unfortunately. Lieutenant Provenza put her on suicide watch," Andrea said and took a sip of her wine.
Sharon closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was painful to think about what the young girl was going through.
"Sharon, what about this girl is so triggering to you?"
Sharon emptied her wineglass in one long sip, and Andrea quickly refilled it. "I was that girl."
"What do you mean?" Andrea put her palm on Sharon's knee.
"I know what it feels like being trapped in a family of an addict," Sharon said. "To hear them call you the most horrible names, to have them humiliate you until you start believing their lies."
"Jack must have been an awful husband," Andrea said.
"I'm not talking about Jack," Sharon's voice shook.
Andrea's eyes widened. "Sharon, is Andy –"
"Oh, God. No! Andy is wonderful. I could have never asked for anyone better than him." Sharon fixed her gaze on the twinkling city lights. And he must be hurting. "Ever since we started investigating this case, I've been having flashbacks of something that happened when I was fifteen. They wouldn't stop." She stopped again, feeling her breathing fall out of regulation.
Andrea reached across the table to hold Sharon's hand. "I'm here to listen. Take your time."
"I don't really talk about this," Sharon focused on her lap. "My father was an alcoholic, too." Tears filled her eyes as she admitted it. As if it was a confession, as if it was her fault.
"I'm sorry." Andrea squeezed Sharon's hand.
"He wasn't like Jack," Sharon started. "Jack was sneaky with his drinking, and when he drank, he wasn't able to work. My dad was different. He worked hard, he really did, but then he'd go drinking with his friends at the end of the day, and he'd come home reeking and yelling profanities at my mother and me."
Andrea refilled her own glass.
"He'd say cruel things to us; call us terrible names." Sharon took a long sip from the wine, the liquid that her father loved so much gliding down her throat. "At some point, our neighbors stopped inviting my family to events, and they wouldn't allow their children to go to my birthday parties. After my eleventh birthday, I asked my mother not to throw me birthday parties anymore."
"That's a horrible memory," Andrea agreed. "It's so different than my life at that age."
"I learned to live with it. I didn't really have many friends, but the next-door neighbor, Alfie, was a very close friend ever since we were born. We were inseparable, and when we grew up, he became my first boyfriend. We were in a relationship for almost a year when my father caught us kissing one night."
"Oh, no." Andrea could tell where the story was going.
Sharon's body tensed as the moment played out in front of her eyes for the millionth time that day. The tears that had been so shy earlier finally streamed out of Sharon's eyes. "He never laid a hand on my mother and me before that night. But seeing me with Alfie that night – he snapped. I told myself so many times that I should never have acknowledged him when he called me names. I thought it was my fault, that I deserved it."
"No, you didn't. No child deserves to experience violence in their home, and I'm sorry that you did." Andrea's eyes glazed over with unshed tears. "You know now that it wasn't your fault, right?"
Sharon nodded, wiping her eyes. She drained the wine from her glass and sniffled.
"Thank you for confiding in me," Andrea said. "That couldn't have been easy to talk about."
"No, thank you for being a friend. We've never done this before," Sharon said.
"There's always a first time," Andrea replied and wiped her eyes. "Dammit, you made me cry."
"I'm sorry," Sharon said.
"Don't be. Domestic violence is infuriating, and learning that someone in your life experienced that is hard."
"Yeah, I know that feeling," Sharon said.
"From dealing with Rainie?"
Sharon nodded. "The things I've been through pale in comparison to her experiences."
"Hey, we don't compare our pain. We support each other through it," Andrea said. "From what I've seen, Rainie is a brave young woman, and that has a lot to do with you."
"I can only take credit for pointing her in the right direction and giving her the love that she deserved. She did the rest of the work." Sharon said. "I wish Alyssa had someone who could show her the right way to handle her situation before she murdered her father."
"Yes, that's a tough case to handle," Andrea admitted. "Alyssa's confession is inadmissible, but there is still other evidence that she murdered her father. Tomorrow I'll make some calls and recommend that she pleads insanity. She'll have to be locked up in a mental institution, which is probably in her favor right now. It won't be easy for her, but at least she won't go to jail for murder."
"I appreciate it, Andrea. I really do," Sharon said. "Not only what you're doing for Alyssa, but also for taking the time to listen to me."
"Everyone needs a listening ear from time to time. I hope we can be that for each other."
Sharon's phone suddenly dinged with a text message from Andy, and she realized that is was almost midnight. "Oh, God, I can't believe it's so late," she sighed. "I should probably go. How much did I drink?"
For the first time all night, Andrea smiled. "About four glasses. Don't even think about driving."
"Oh, I'll just call an Uber," Sharon said.
"Why don't you stay over? My couch is very comfortable, and it's better than you walking around Downtown LA at night, looking for your Uber driver."
"Sure, okay. I'll stay. Thanks, Andrea," Sharon said. It had been a while since someone other than Andy or Rainie took care of her.
As Andrea went to get Sharon a pajama, blanket, and pillows, Sharon texted Andy, who responded immediately.
Is everything okay?
Everything is fine. Don't worry. I love you. Tell Rainie I love her too.
She's already asleep. I'll tell her tomorrow morning. I love you too, babe. Enjoy your sleepover. His last sentence made Sharon smile. It wasn't exactly a sleepover, but close enough for the definition to fit.
"Here you go." Andrea came back from the bedroom and handed Sharon the bedding and PJs. The two of them converted the couch into a bed and put away the empty wine bottle and food boxes. "If there's anything you need during the night, my bedroom is down the hall."
"Thank you, Andrea. This evening meant a lot to me." Sharon hugged Andrea, relishing in resting in the arms of a friend.
As Sharon lay on the couch, she pondered how compassion could change someone's life. Throughout the years, every time she thought of the violent incident she had with her father, Sharon tried to be compassionate towards him. She gave him the benefit of the doubt, told herself excuses on his behalf, but after Andrea absolved her of fault and shame, Sharon understood that her father probably would have slapped her that night even without provocation. And the fact that it only happened once didn't weaken the legitimacy of Sharon's pain and grief. Andrea helped her understand that she needed to turn her compassion towards herself. It would be a process, but one that she hoped would empower her.
-TBC-