She can do magic after all. What they said was true.

She walks along the road, and she's too scared to speak to any of the people, and she tries to tell herself she just doesn't know where she is, that the bits and pieces she thinks look familiar are because she's never been lots of places and maybe they all look similar.

She keeps telling herself that until she comes to the river. Because she's in Vengerberg. She's in Vengerberg and her family isn't here.

She sits down and cries.

That's - that's the good thing about being by yourself all the time, no one cares if you want to cry about things.

She lied that her mother was dead. She lied because she didn't want her mother to die, because she didn't want her mother to die because of her, and now her mother's dead. And she's sick now at the thought somehow it was saying that that made it happen, that if only she hadn't said it, it wouldn't have turned out to be true, and there's a clutching begging in her chest that maybe it doesn't have to be, that this is so impossible maybe there can be another impossibility, maybe it can go back to how it's supposed to be if she just, if she just…

But it won't. Even if there's some way it's possible it'd never work for her. She only ever does the wrong thing.

"Useless," she mumbles. She doesn't know why everyone is so afraid of her as an adult when even having magic only means she gets to go from one bad place to another bad place. There's nowhere in the world she wants to be now. Nowhere in the world that wants her.

Not that...not that there ever was, really. Even her family didn't want her. She'd wanted them.

Almost nothing means she was worth something, she supposes.

But not nearly as much as she'd cost them, not when they'd kept her longer than any of the pigs.

Maybe it's a good thing, being in the future. Because she'd go back to them if she could, and this way she hasn't got the choice, so she's doing right by them for once in her life.

She stares at the river and wonders if it'd have been better if her mother had drowned her. Why didn't she? Yennefer tried so hard not to be trouble but she knows she was. Just a useless mouth eating their food and getting in the way. And it's not like anybody else would've cared, it's not like anyone else would have stopped her. It's not like Yennefer could've stopped her.

Yennefer's seen it with the pigs. Every time there's always some piglets that end up smothered or savaged, the runts or, or just there was something wrong and the mother knew, they can tell, it's not sad, there was something wrong with them.

Why'd her mother even go all the way to Vengerberg, she only had to do that because of Yennefer, because nobody there knew what Yennefer was, maybe she's stupid but she's not that stupid, she knows it's her fault. If her mother was going to get rid of Yennefer why did she wait so long? Why did she keep her and bring her food and say she loved her if - why would her mother lie, nobody was making her lie so why did she lie?

Why is Yennefer alive?

Yennefer could fix that now, only, this is the upstream side. She's supposed to make sure to walk all the way downstream of Vengerberg first or else she'd be polluting the water, she was told that clearly enough when people felt like talking to her, and she doesn't want to get up.

They arrive again while Yennefer is trying to decide if she cares about the inconvenience her body would be to everyone else.

There's a brief argument when they see her. The whole thing is conducted far enough away Yennefer can't make out the words, just that it's half-muffled angry snarling at each other. The witcher wins it, it seems, maybe because the sorceress looks already exhausted for some reason or maybe just because witchers can kill mages like he said, and he approaches and sits next to her.

She asks his opinion on the issue of the river. She's been nothing but trouble for everyone already, she admits, but it's so hard for her to walk all that way. It hurts already from walking this far. And she knows that it's not anybody's fault but hers that she's worse at everything but she just, she feels like it should matter a little. And she doesn't know why she has to care about causing problems for other people when no one cares about her, when her own family -

"What she said -" Her voice breaks. She swallows. "It's true, isn't it?"

"It's the story Triss heard. You and Tissaia are the only ones who were there for it," he says.

So maybe… But it doesn't matter, does it? She cares so much and it doesn't matter at all. How stupid. She just wants the answer to be different, even though it wouldn't change anything.

Even if what Triss said is true, even if they got rid of her, she'd still go back if she could. She loves them.

"I made everyone mad at me going home and… I'd still have only been me, it's not like they'd even want to see me again." Although, she realizes… "Your friend didn't recognize me, so I guess they wouldn't have to see me. Maybe I said I was somebody else. Maybe they liked her. Triss said even the king liked her. Did people like her?"

"Yes."

Well, she would have looked like Triss. That could make people like you, couldn't it? Yennefer supposes it's not impossible.

It doesn't sound like it was worth anything, which is easier for Yennefer to believe. There's so much wrong with Yennefer, probably more wrong than even magic could ever fix. Being pretty only means people won't be mad at her about being made to look at something ugly. It doesn't mean anyone cares. The only ones who ever cared - and they didn't, after all. Because they sold her to witches. Sold her to a witch who didn't even want her enough to agree to the few marks they'd asked for, one who had to haggle the price down even further before it was something she was willing to pay.

Your own family doesn't even want you, the girl had said as she'd held Yennefer down. So how could anyone else?

Magic wouldn't change that.

"I hated being a sorceress, didn't I?"

"What you hated," he says slowly, "was that you weren't given a choice. That's what you told me."

She wonders why she'd do that. "Nobody gives me a choice. I only get to decide anything when nobody cares enough to notice," she points out. "And if they do they take that away too. That's how it works. You took the knife away," she adds.

"I did."

"And you wouldn't let me get to the river, would you?"

"Is that what you want?"

How is she supposed to know? She says, "What did the Yennefer you knew want?"

"To matter."

"Hm." That's… "I - I did, didn't I? People say I won an important battle for them."

He nods. "That and more."

"But you think I did this to myself."

"I don't think you intended to do this," he says after a moment.

"You think I wanted this."

He's silent for a bit. Then he says, "The magic they used to reshape you required a sacrifice. I don't understand exactly why what you lost then came to mean so much to you, but the last time we met you were risking your life chasing false rumors about dragon hearts, all to get back what you'd had to pay for it. What's happened here isn't something I think you would have accepted as a fair trade." He smiles oddly, adds, "I don't know if you were interested in any further trade, for that matter, fair or not. You were sick of paying for things. But however this happened to you, it happened. What I fear is that you would be angry to return and discover the choice taken away from you once again. But preventing that from happening… That's a choice as well, and has its own price. I don't know what you'd want."

"Maybe I'd be mad at you either way," Yennefer suggests.

"Maybe. You're mad at me already."

She stares out at the muddy water. "So I hate you too, then." She probably hates all of them.

He sighs. "You were going to die, Yen. "

"You don't have to talk to me first," she points out. "I can't do anything. You can pick whatever you want."

"I don't want to pick."

She laughs at him. Then, finding herself unable to speak, she gestures violently at the river. She doesn't even get to pick that! She has to wait for somebody else to decide to kill her or not. She ran away twice from him and he's still here. The last week has made it clear the only kind of things Yennefer gets to pick are if she goes without a fuss or if she gets dragged by a rope around her wrists, if she stays put when told or if she gets her ankles tied together. Everyone else decides what happens to her and it doesn't matter what she wants because that's what they want. She knows it's what they want because it's all that ever happens.

"I don't," Geralt repeats. "And I had hoped Triss might be able to… I thought it might be possible to avoid the decision. But there's no way to restore just your memories. That much Triss is sure of. Only undoing the whole of this will change that. Until then, neither myself nor Triss know what you would have wanted. But you are her. What do you want?"

She wants her family. She wants to not be a burden, not to be useless, not to be cursed. She wants people not to hurt her.

She wants to matter.

"I cut my wrists," Yennefer says. "After I go to become a sorceress. Why?"

He says, "You didn't tell me. When I saw them I assumed it was before, the same way Triss did. She was close to you in age so if she didn't know, it must have been early on, in the first year or so."

Because she was trapped there, Yennefer assumes. And she stayed trapped.

"I'll hate you, and I'll hate Aretuza," Yennefer says. "I think I hate Vengerberg too. I don't know. I don't know how I can know. Do I hate Triss too and she just thinks she's my friend?"

"If you hated her, she'd know."

Yennefer twists to look at Triss, who even keeping her distance looks about to explode from the strain of not speaking up. She scowls and then pointedly turns back to the river. "Maybe she does and she's lying," Yennefer says spitefully, loud enough that she's sure Triss can hear.

"She's terrible at things like that."

It's true that if it were Yennefer in Triss's position, she'd have probably lied a bunch already. She's pretty sure that if Triss had only said she knew about the spell and what to do, Yennefer would be at Aretuza right now. That would've been the smarter thing to do than argue with a witcher that she just didn't want to do what he wanted. Maybe she could've said the spell would leave her dead if it wasn't reversed, since Yennefer knows that matters more to everybody than what Yennefer wants.

Yennefer hugs her knees. "So she really means it when she says that she thinks I should go with her."

"She does."

"And you think I shouldn't."

"I don't know."

"But if I go there, I can't come back."

"If it's reversed, you'd be able to leave again. Because they'd let you, and because they wouldn't be able to stop you. If not... I…" He sighs, then continues grudgingly, "I think you can trust that Triss will do everything in her power to undo this. She cares about you, and she can be quite determined. If this can be reversed, she won't stop until it's done, even if everyone else there disagrees."

"I can trust her to do that but I can't trust her to let me go."

"It might be that you could convince her," Geralt says, though he sounds dubious. "I don't know her particularly well. But Triss wouldn't be making the decision at that point. She isn't in charge of Aretuza."

"Who is?"

"Tissaia."

Yennefer shivers.

"You had the chance to kill Tissaia at the battle and you didn't," Geralt says. "If that helps."

"Sixty years and I'm still a coward! How does that help!"

"You're not. I've seen you kill people."

"Probably not witches," Yennefer mutters. Killing people who can't fight back isn't the same thing as killing people who can. There's nothing special about managing the first one. It happens all the time.

"You spared her," he insists. "You could have killed her without anyone realizing. Triss says Tissaia had gone off on her own to try to deal with one of the Nilfgaard mages, and whatever happened there, it left her nearly dead. You were the only one who knew she'd survived. And then she asked you to burn the area with her still in the middle of it, and no one would've questioned her dying from that either. From how Triss tells it, there shouldn't even have been bones left. But, contrary to what everyone thought was possible, Tissaia was untouched. What happened was entirely your choice."

"And why'd I do that?" she demands. "Why would I ever do that?"

"Well," Geralt leans closer and then continues in a conspiratorial whisper, "Triss explained it's because Tissaia is a wonderful person who you all love deeply."

"So nobody knows that either."

"You'd have to ask yourself," he agrees.

"And you don't know if they can fix me. So it might not be possible, even with magic."

"It might."

"Maybe she told me to kill her," Yennefer says. Tissaia, it sounds like, is most likely the one who didn't care when Yennefer wanted that. "That'd be fair." Then she realizes and says, "And because I didn't, she's still there, and, and -" She bangs her hand against the dirt in frustration. "I can't get anything right!"

He hums noncommittally. "What do you want?"

"I…" She knows she doesn't really get a say in this. But… "I want to help people instead of needing help. I want not to be powerless. I want…" The fact all she's done is get lost stings, and she wonders if the reason both Geralt and Triss had to guess it was her first magic is because no matter how much time passes she thinks she might always be ashamed hers wasn't anything better, like Triss' must've been. "I want real magic that's good for anything instead of stupid portals."

The answer is no. Triss wanted to take her and he wanted her not to go and he won that fight already. But he doesn't say no and she looks at him and he doesn't look angry, not even a little. He just looks relieved.

"All right," he tells her.

Well.

The original sketch for this was to finish around Ch9 and meeting with Geralt, as the ostensible plot is needing to find out who Yennefer is/that she's been transformed by magic, at which point it can be fixed. But the actual backbone of the story is Yennefer's feelings, and given I'd managed to find a way for her to have an even worse week than this went in canon, I wanted to try to bring that toward some sort of resolution where she ends in at least a little better of a place than she starts.

I had a lot of fun with this, as well as talking to people about different combinations (young Yennefer meeting Ciri, destiny entanglement meaning the same thing happens to Geralt, etc) so I might come back to this concept once we know more about the characters from S2.

And, as always, I appreciate any and all sorts of comments. I think of writing as like a conversation and I welcome hearing people's thoughts whether they're positive or negative. Say literally whatever you feel like.