Glad there is still interest! As I said, I'm really enjoying writing this. I'll update when I can!
Just to let you know, I use a memory from an actual episode from season 8 in this. Although I've altered it to fit the needs of my Bensler loving heart.
In the episode Dependent (8x14), Elliot almost loses his job when he is accused of unnecessary roughness which lead to an investigation and the almost removal and conviction of Elliot.
However, Olivia refused to let that happen and fought for Elliot because she knew he wasn't a killer. At the end of that episode, Elliot showed up at Kathy's house and told her he wanted to come home.
Well, in my version of this memory...he chooses differently. Read on :)
Elliot skidded into the driveway of their house and jumped out of the car. He stopped short when he saw a car he didn't recognize realizing it wasn't Olivia's. He ignored the anxiety rising in his chest and ran towards the front door.
"Liv!" Elliot yelled as he opened the door needing to have eyes on her immediately.
"Elliot." It wasn't her voice but he recognized it, so he turned quickly and frowned when he saw Huang.
"Whe-" He turned and George stepped up to him.
"Elliot calm down." Huang whispered as he walked up to him, "She's in the shower."
Elliot huffed, "Huang-"
"I know you're upset and you have every right to be. But right now she needs you to be calm. She just calmed down enough to come home." He tried to reason with him.
Elliot licked his lips, "She came to you?"
Huang knew that he was feeling slighted, "Sometimes we need to talk to a neutral party. Aren't you glad she came to me instead of…"
Elliot ran a hand through his thinning hair, "So she didn't…"
"No." He said shaking her head, "She came to me because she was afraid she would. She needed to calm down before she faced anyone." Elliot's eyes were practically boring a hole into the ceiling towards the upstairs bathroom, "I'm not going to pretend that she isn't rattled because she is. In all the years I've known her...I've never seen her this upset."
Elliot bit his lip, "She's struggled with this for years. But we've been in a good place. She's been in a good place. Why the hell did this have to happen now?"
"You know there's no rhyme or reason for these types of things Elliot. This demon has always been there...and it's going to be a challenge for her. But I did remind her that she's not alone now…" He said with a smile.
Elliot pulled at his coat and threw it on the chair to his left, "I love her Huang. I'm not letting her fall."
George smiled, "I never thought you would."
They both turned when they heard a sound on the steps. Elliot's heart leapt up to his throat but just seeing her in front of him was an instant calming sensation. She looked nervous as she walked over to him. She was wearing a pair of leggings and one of his NYPD sweatshirts. Her hair was still wet but it hung down her back and she looked scared. But underneath it all...she was still the most beautiful woman in the world.
"Hi El…" She whispered nervously, he knew she was afraid he was going to yell.
It would have been easy to yell and part of him was angry. However...that's not what she needed right now. She needed her husband and partner to support her and he wasn't going to let her down.
"Hey." He whispered softly, unable to take his eyes off of her.
George cleared his throat, knowing it was his time to leave, "I'm going to go. Fin and I are going to get your car."
Olivia looked over at him, her car was the last thought on her mind, "Oh. I didn't even-"
He shook his head, "Not important right now. Don't worry." He walked over to her and she took a deep breath, he smiled gently, "You call, day or night. I plan on checking in you tomorrow no matter what."
She bit her lip, "Huang I-"
He shook his head and reached for her hand, "You can do this Olivia."
She leaned forward and hugged him, unable to look at Elliot behind them. But he didn't take his eyes off of her, almost as if he was afraid she was going to disappear again.
Huang pulled away, squeezed her hand again and waved goodbye to Elliot knowing this was something they needed to do alone. They both seemed unable to move until after they heard his car pulling away.
She opened her mouth to say something but he took three large steps and pulled her into his arms. She gasped at first and her body froze. But once she felt the strength of his arms, heard the sound of his heart beating and smelled all that was Elliot Stabler, the emotion she had been holding in let go.
"You scared me to death." He whispered, afraid she was going to push him away but she didn't, "Liv you should have come to me."
She squeezed him tight, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He pulled away and cupped her face in his hands, wiping the tears away, "Talk to me."
She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to bring herself back down, "El I don't even know what happened. It was so fast...I-" She cringed, "I just snapped. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't process it."
She was starting to shake and he could tell she was unravelling again. "Come here…"
She felt him lead her towards the couch feeling glad that he was there beside her. She wasn't sure her legs alone could carry her to where she needed to go without falling. Her heart soared knowing that he never would let her fall...she just had to keep reminding herself of that.
She sighed and curled up in the corner of the couch, she pulled at his sweatshirt, "Who else knows?"
He took a deep breath and sat beside her, "Liv…"
She smiled sadly at him, "It's okay. It's not like my past is a mystery. They know."
"I was worried. We've all been looking for you...trying to figure out how to help. I need to call them to let them know you're okay." He whispered.
She nodded slowly, "Melinda-"
"She feels terrible. I told her not too but she's worried. We all are." He said softly.
She sighed thinking about her friends and feeling guilty for what she had put them through. And then she remembered how she felt before walking into see Melinda to begin with and she knew that was where she had to start.
"El I need to tell you something." She felt her hands shaking so she took a deep breath and put it on her stomach.
He shook his head,"Liv it's okay-"
"I'm pregnant." She whispered, her voice cracked and she smiled when she saw the shock on his face.
His mouth hung open for a moment and then he turned all the way towards her, "What?"
She lifted her shoulder slightly and smiled, "Kind of a whirlwind of a day. Lead to the quick downfall earlier." He opened his mouth and she shook her head, "I literally got the call right before going in to see Melinda. And then I sent you the text about lunch…" He nodded his head trying to keep up, "It didn't seem real and I was trying to keep it together. I didn't want Melinda to wonder what was going on. And then less than five minutes later I'm staring at this paper…"
Her voice cracked and he reached for her hand, "I'm right here."
"Everything just stopped. I felt like I wasn't even alive. I had to get out of there...I wanted to scream. To punch something. I mean how could I be so happy...have everything I ever wanted and then have this-" She cringed, "How could he ruin this?"
Elliot scooted closer to her, "Olivia…"
"I want this baby more than anything in this world." She said putting a hand on her stomach, "But I can't pretend like what I'm feeling isn't happening...I want to find him El. I want to find him and I want to hurt him."
He stood up again and she got nervous but then she realized he was just going to kneel down in front of her, "Olivia…" She waited and he put his hand over hers, "This baby is everything. You need to focus on this and only this."
She licked her lips, "I want to El. But I just…" She frowned, " I've thought about what would happen if I ever met him for my whole life. He's haunted every step I take for decades and now I'm this close-"
"Olivia-" He shook his head and squeezed her hands in his, needing her to understand him. "Listen to me."
She shook her head, "El it's not that simple."
"It has to be." He said softly, unwilling to give into her feelings. "What is killing him going to do?"
She stared at him for a moment and then something in her snapped. She pushed past him and started pacing, "It will avenge my Mother! And clearly she wasn't the only one. I mean Jesus Christ...how old is the man and he's still doing this? How has he never been caught? I need to find him and end this. I'll never be able to let go if I don't!"
He was sitting on the couch now, he hung his head, unable to look at her. "So you're willing to risk everything we've built for this?" She eyed him carefully, "You know that I understand. I know that you want to avenge your Mother and I would too. But you are not a murderer Liv."
She laughed sadly, "I'm half of him Elliot. How do we know what I'm capable of?"
He shook his head sadly and stood up, "That's what this is about. You're afraid that you're like him but we've been over this. Olivia you don't have a vicious bone in your body. You are the kindest person I have ever known and would do anything to protect the people you love. That's why I know that you aren't going to put this child of ours at risk. How I know you wouldn't leave me. You are NOT him."
They stared at each other from opposite sides of the room. They were both breathing heavy trying to process the events of the day and the conversation they were having.
"If I'm not him...then why do I feel so out of control?" Her knees gave out and she started to fall but before she could hit the ground his arms were around her, slowly bring her to the floor, "Elliot-"
Her body shook violently in his arms and he squeezed her as tight as he could without hurting her. He needed to keep her grounded in this moment. He needed to keep her safe. He needed to make her understand that she was stronger than she realized.
"Breathe." He whispered, "You need to breathe." She shuddered against him and the wailing coming from her lungs was almost too much for him to take, "I'm right here." He kissed the top of her head, "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
Forty-five minutes later, Olivia was fast asleep with her head resting in his lap. He was stroking her hair glad she had finally stopped crying. He wasn't surprised by how quickly she had fallen asleep. In all the years he had known her, he had never seen her that broken.
He sighed and used his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He couldn't pretend he wasn't worried but he had to stay strong for her and their baby. Very carefully, he reached into his pocket and took out his cellphone.
He pressed the button for the familiar number and waited, "Dad-"
"She's okay." He whispered, "She's asleep so I can't talk loud or long...but I've got her."
He heard his daughter sigh, "How bad is it?"
He looked down at his wife and saw the tear marks still present on her face, "It's...not great. But you know I'm not going to let anything happen to her."
She waited a moment before asking, "Are you okay?"
He smiled sadly, "Kathleen…"
"Dad, I know you. We all do. As much as we want to protect her...we want to make sure you're okay too. You can't do this alone." She said honestly.
"I know, kid." He paused, "Will you do me a favor and explain this to your brother and sisters? Your Mom too...I don't think Eli, Lizzie and Richie should be around for a bit. Olivia needs some space."
"I will." She said honestly, "Mom's been worried...she'll want to help if she can too. Despite everything she does care about Olivia."
Elliot smiled, "I know hon. Your Mother is one hell of a woman. And so are you."
He could practically see the smile growing on his daughter's face, "I love you Dad."
"I love you too." He whispered, "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay. Call if you need anything." He heard her hang up and he took a deep breath before dialing a second number.
It barely went through a full ring before he answered, "Fin and Casey were about thirty seconds away from driving directly to your house. John and I weren't far behind."
Elliot continued to run his hands through her hair because he knew it soothed her, "Sorry Cap…"
"How's she doing Elliot?" He asked, his voice laced with compassion and concern.
Elliot knew how much Olivia really meant to Cragen, "She's...struggling. More than I have ever seen. We're going to need some time off."
"Of course." He said quickly, "Lord knows you both have enough days lined up. Take all the time you need."
"Thanks Cap." He said leaning back to rest his head on the back of the couch, suddenly feeling very tired.
"Just so we're clear…" Cragen started, "I know you know how much we care about Olivia. It was evident today. But Elliot…" He paused before answering, "Despite your bullshit...we care about you too."
Elliot smirked, "Well I love you too sir."
Cragen hissed, "I'm hanging up now. Call with an update soon. We will on our end too."
Elliot smiled, glad he had a reason to smile despite this difficult day. He closed his phone and let it drop to the arm of the couch. He looked down at her still sound asleep against his lap and decided to try and get a little rest himself. He had a feeling he was going to need it…
An hour and a half later, Olivia woke with a start. She shouldn't have been surprised when the old dream returned. Her heart was hammering in her chest but she instantly felt a hand on her arm and she didn't need to question who it belonged to. "You're okay."
She sat still for a moment, letting herself adjust to her surroundings. His hand rubbed gentle, soothing circles on her shoulder. When she felt calm enough, she slowly sat up and he adjusted beside her. She ran a hand through her now dry hair and sighed. "How long was I out?"
"Almost two hours…" He whispered, "You needed it."
She started to massage her neck, "I feel like I've been hit by a bus."
He leaned forward and kissed her shoulder, "It's been a long day…"
She sighed and turned to face him. He watched her very carefully and she felt guilt wash over her for what she had done to him today. She pulled her legs up on the couch and she wrapped her arms around her knees. "I'm so sorry Elliot."
He took a deep breath and turned to lean against the other arm of the couch so he could face her, "Liv...how many times have you had to pick me up off the floor? Before and after we got married? That's what I'm here for. It's in the fine print of the marriage license. You must have missed it."
She smiled knowing he was trying to make her laugh, "And was it in the work contract?"
He nodded, "I had Cragen add it the day you joined the squad."
She laughed sadly, but it felt good to have something to smile about. Then she realized she had a lot to smile about. Licking her lips, she slid her hand over to stomach and imagined what it would look like in a few months.
"You were right." She whispered softly.
Elliot cocked his head to the side, "Not that I mind hearing that...but what was I right about? I don't hear that often."
She nudged him with her foot, "Elliot…"
He smiled and reached for her foot, he began to knead it gently, "Just trying to make you smile. I love your smile. One of the reasons I fell so damn hard for you."
She bit her lip and rubbed her stomach again, "I would never do anything to harm this child." The tears burned behind her eyes and she didn't try and hide them, "I've never wanted anything more in my life. But I just got so scared...so incredibly scared. I've been angry before but not like that. It was a rage I couldn't understand."
He continued to massage her foot, "Olivia I have never and would never doubt your love for this child. But I totally understand why you felt the way you did." She gave him a look, "The way you still feel."
She sighed, "What am I going to do?"
He pulled her leg and she took the hint, as she slid onto his lap, "Don't you mean, what are WE going to do?"
She smiled softly at him, pressing a hand to his cheek, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
He leaned into her hand, "I have an idea. But I don't think you know how much I love you." She bit her lip and he squeezed her hips, "I am not going to let you fall Olivia."
She smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss him gently, "You never have."
He pressed his forehead to hers, "We're good partners Liv. We always have been. And this isn't going to be any different...we will figure out how to handle your feelings." He smiled and put a strong hand to her stomach, "And most importantly...we're going to raise this baby together. You're stuck with me."
She leaned forward and hugged him gently, "Thank you…"
He hugged her back and pressed a kiss into her neck, "Nothing to thank me for."
She pulled back slightly and pulled at his shirt, "Can I ask you something?"
"You know you can ask me anything." He whispered, wanting to keep her calm like this as long as possible but knowing they were far from being in the clear.
She considered her words carefully, "Did you…" She hesitated again, "Did you think that I had…"
He squeezed her not needing her to finish her thoughts, "Liv…"
She shrugged, "I'm sure it crossed your mind."
He took a deep breath, "Liv...I was scared. I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't. The minute Melinda called me I knew something was wrong. I knew what you would want to do...how you would be feeling. And yes the thoughts did cross my mind. But…"
She raised an eyebrow at him, "But?"
"But I know you." He smiled gently, hoping she would remember a similar conversation from their past, "I know you and I know you are a good woman. You'd never intentionally hurt someone no matter the situation. It's not in your blood. You protect people Olivia."
She smiled at him, "El…"
"I know you." He whispered again, "And you know me."
"I do know you…" She whispered tracing the lines on his face, "Better than I know myself."
Elliot sighed with relief and walked into his Captain's office. Cragen smiled at him from behind the desk and stood up slowly. He reached a hand out to Elliot, "Welcome back Detective."
Elliot smiled sheepishly and shook his bosses hand, "Thank you Captain. Good to be back."
Cragen nodded, "They made the right call. Ryan's death was not your fault."
Elliot shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I wasn't so sure there for awhile…"
Cragen smiled, "Well Olivia was."
Elliot cocked his head to the side, "What do you mean?"
Cragen sighed and walked around to the front of his desk, "I may regret this...but she really stuck her neck out for you and I think you should know the truth."
Elliot frowned, 'Cap what are you-"
"Olivia hasn't slept in the last week fighting for you Elliot. She's poured over hours of footage, wrote up statements on your behalf and she even risked her badge with IAB just to prove you were innocent." He said softly.
Elliot's eyes widened, "IAB?"
"They interviewed all of us but she was the longest. Tucker asked her if she was willing to forfeit her badge to protect you. And she said yes. She almost lost her job Elliot." He said.
Elliot shook his head, "Is she nuts? Why the hell would she do that?"
Cragen chuckled, "For two of my best Detectives...you're really slow on the uptake when it comes to your personal lives."
Elliot raised an eyebrow at him, "Cragen what are you talking about?"
He huffed, "The two of you have made us nuts the last 8 years. But the last few months have been worse than ever. The tension since she got back has been enough to make the building come crashing down around us Elliot. Wake up."
He stepped back, "Cap I don't know what-"
"Think back Elliot...to before Olivia left." Elliot cringed, "Think about what it felt like when I told you she was reassigned." No response, "Why do you think she left?"
Elliot's heart started pounding in his chest, "I...I don't know."
Cragen walked over to him slowly, "I think you do know. And I think you know what it was you felt that day Gitano hurt her." Ge paused a moment to let him digest his words then pushed on, "Look deep Elliot. You've tried to hide it for long enough but there isn't a reason to do it now."
Elliot stared at his boss and realized he was right. All those emotions came flooding back to him. He had tried so hard for years to suppress them. He couldn't betray Kathy that way. But his marriage was over and deep down he knew it had been over for a very long time. The papers were signed and it was time to move on.
That fear he felt watching her lie there with blood pouring from her throat was terror he had never experienced so forcefully. And when she was gone...there was an ache he was afraid would never disappear.
But she was back. All he had to do was jump and for the first time he wasn't so afraid anymore. "Cap I need too-"
Cragen smiled, "She just left a minute ago. But her car is still in the shop. She'll probably be waiting for a cab outside."
Elliot turned to leave the office then stopped and turned back to him, "Cap...why did you say you might regret it?" He paused afraid to hear the answer to the next question," Is it because you think I'll hurt her?"
Cragen smiled before answering honestly, "No Elliot. It's because I'll be sad to have to split my best team up."
Elliot smiled softly, "Thank you..."
He shook his head, "Don't you have somewhere you need to be?"
Elliot smiled and quickly turned on his heel ready to race out of the building he had just entered. Captain was right. He knew what he wanted. He'd known for a long time but was too afraid to admit it. But there was no reason to fight it anymore. He'd almost lost her more than once in the last few months and he wasn't about to let that happen again.
He pushed through the heavy precinct doors and sighed with relief when he saw her standing there looking at her phone. "Liv!"
She looked up expectantly and smiled, "Hey...I didn't think you were coming back until tomorrow?"
Elliot jogged over to her and shook his head, "Couldn't stay away."
She smiled and slipped the phone into her pocket, "I know the feeling."
He smiled feeling grateful she too had come back, "Listen uh...Cragen told me what you did for me."
Her cheeks burned red and she tugged at her leather jacket, "He has a big mouth."
Elliot smiled, "Liv how the hell could you put that much on the line for me?"
She sighed and shrugged, "You said it yourself a few weeks ago. You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man. You're my family. Someone had to fight for you."
Elliot licked his lips, "Olivia-"
"Besides, I know you El. You're not a killer. You're tough and passionate about this job. Yes, you've broken a few rules along the way but you always do the right thing in the end. You're a good man Elliot." She shrugged, "There was never any doubt in my mind that you were innocent."
He could feel his heart hammering in his chest and he knew this was it. This was the moment that they had been dancing around for nearly 8 years. There was no turning back and he was more than okay with that. He was tired of running. He was tired of pretending he didn't feel the way he felt. He was tired of pretending that not seeing her for months was not the most painful thing he had ever experienced.
"You picked me over the job." He whispered softly.
The fear on her face didn't go unnoticed by him, "Elliot…"
He walked closer to her but she stepped back and he began to worry he had read her signals wrong, "Liv-"
"El...you don't have to say it. I remember it all too well." She said with a sad smile then shrugged, "But the thing is-" Her voice gave out and she took a slow deep breath before answering honestly. "I'm always going to pick you over the job."
The rawness in her voice told him everything he needed to know, "Liv when I said that we couldn't be partners...I-"
"Please don't." She said turning from him, she didn't want him to see her cry over losing him again. "It was hard enough to hear the first time. We really don't need to relive this again. I'll talk to Cragen in the morning and-""I'm always going to pick you too." He whispered.
She turned to look at him slowly, unsure of what was happening, "El…"
He stepped closer to her again and this time she didn't move, "It's been a rough couple of days." He laughed and then shook his head, "Who am I kidding? Rough couple of months…" She seemed frozen in her spot, "And I've had time to think about what's important to me." She didn't interrupt so he pushed on, "I love my job. And I love my family...I nearly lost both of them."
She finally looked down, "Elliot…"
"You are my family Olivia. You and my kids. I love this job but if I had to pick…" He shrugged, "There's no other choice.""Look you said yourself it's been a rough couple of days. You're not thinking clearly. You should call Kat-" She was rambling and he couldn't help but smile."Liv...that road ended a long time ago. Do you have any idea how hard it was to see you lying on the floor of that bus terminal? I thought you were dead." He said, "I was an ass because I was scared...I was scared I lost you." He shrugged, "And then thanks to my stupid mouth I did lose you…"
She was staring in shock at him, "Elliot I did what was best for both of us."
Elliot shook his head, "You ran."
She pulled at her jacket feeling suddenly very vulnerable, "I did not run. I made a choice."
"And I'm making a choice now." He said softly, "I choose you Olivia."
Her hands fell to her sides and she stepped back, "Don't."
He took another step, "I'm always going to choose you over this job. And you will choose me. We can keep going around in this circle but we're going to end up killing each other…"
She was nervous but she started to laugh, "Elliot please…"
He shrugged, "I made my choice Liv. So…" He stepped all the way up to her now, only inches from her face, "...what's yours?"
He was so close he saw how she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I…"
"Are you armed right now?" He asked curiously, unable to look away from her brown eyes.
She frowned, clearly confused by his question, "No. It's upstairs."
Elliot nodded and then put his hand on her hip, "Good."
Before she could even protest, his lips were on hers and she couldn't even try to push him away. Instead, she melted into his embrace and for a moment let herself believe that this was really happening.
"Aw man…" A voice said from beside them, causing them both to pull away quickly.
Olivia and Elliot were still in an embrace as they turned to see John and Fin watching them, "I call Liv!" Fin shouted.
"Damn it." John said quickly, "I was just about to say the same thing."
Elliot started to laugh and Olivia was brought back to reality. She turned to look at Elliot and he turned his face to look at her once more. "El-"
"If you run…" He whispered softly, "I'm coming after you this time." The corner of her lips pulled up in a smile, "Just...figured I'd lay it all on the line."
She shook her head and leaned forward to kiss him again. "I know you Elliot…"
He nodded back, "And I know you…"
The next morning, Olivia woke with a start only this time it had nothing to do with a bad dream. She detangled herself from Elliot's embrace in their bed and made her way to the bathroom just in time to empty her stomach.
After cleaning up and brushing her teeth she walked out of the bathroom and wasn't surprised to see Elliot climbing out of bed to check on her. She shook her head, "I'm fine."
He sighed and fell back onto his side of the bed, "Was it the dream again?"
She climbed in beside him and pulled the comforter up around her, "No. Baby Stabler's just making themselves known."
He smiled and turned to look at her, "Oh. That."
She smirked and turned her body towards his, "Yeah. That."
He rested his head in one hand and with the other he gently pushed her shirt up to trace around her belly button, "You okay?"
She smiled softly, "Is that a rhetorical question?"
He took a deep breath, "Liv…"
"It really doesn't bother you?" She asked softly, he gave her a look to signal he didn't understand, "I mean you don't worry about what I would be passing onto our child?"
Elliot frowned, "Liv we've talked about this. It's not all about your DNA. If it was...Richie wouldn't be such a pain in my ass."
Olivia reached out and slapped him, "Elliot…I'm being serious."
"And so am I." He said with a shrug, "I mean the poor thing is screwed with my half but having you as a Mom is going to give this kid the best possible chance at a good life. He or she is about to hit the Mom jackpot."
She frowned, "You've done this...I haven't. What if I screw it up?"
Elliot stared at her, "Every parent makes mistakes Olivia. Lord knows I've made a million and one with all five of mine and I'll probably make a million and one more with this one." He placed his hand back on her stomach, "But we're going to do it together."
She was staring intently at his hand over her stomach, "What do you think she thought when she found out she was pregnant?"
He didn't need her to clarify who she was talking about, "I don't know Liv."
"I feel like I've spent so many years desperately wanting to get pregnant. And for her...it had to be the worst feeling in the world." She whispered.
"She chose to have you." He whispered, "She also chose to keep you."
She took a deep breath, "Yeah…"
He looked up at her face, "I know you're scared. And I know that you think that you have to fight this battle for her...but you don't."
"Yes. I do. She's gone and can't fight it herself." She whispered and she saw him tense, "But…"
"But?" He asked hopefully, "But what?"
"I can fight for her...and for the other victims without losing myself in the process." She whispered.
He let out a little sigh of relief, "Do you mean that?"
She sat up slowly and turned back to him, "I have never felt that amount of rage or adrenaline in my life as I did yesterday. It was...overwhelming. And for a moment I really thought I was going to do something stupid." He watched her carefully, she knew he understood she needed to let this out, "But then I remembered what I had to lose." She took his hand and put it over her belly and she covered it, "I have been alone my entire life. But now I have a life that I never thought possible. I didn't trust myself to not crack so I went to Huang…" She saw the pain on his face and knew what he was thinking, "And I'm sorry I didn't go to you first."
He licked his lips and sat up to sit in front of her, "Liv I'm glad that you made a good choice. I'm glad you felt comfortable going to him but I won't pretend it didn't hurt knowing you didn't trust me enough to come to me instead."
She shook her head and reached for his hand, she pulled it to her chest, he could feel the steady beat of her heart and he found it comforting. "No Elliot. That wasn't it at all. It wasn't you that I didn't trust."
He shook his head, "I don't understand."
"El I didn't trust myself." She shrugged sadly, "Honestly I still don't. Not completely. But it was never about you...I trust you with my life. I always have."
He scooted closer to her, "You're sure?"
She smiled sadly and nodded, "El you're probably the first person I ever trusted. And that...scared the crap out of me." She laughed a little.
He smiled gently, "When did you know you trusted me?"
She took a deep breath and lowered their hands to her lap, "The day I told you about my Mom...I had never talked to anyone about it."
Elliot walked out of the courthouse and descended the steps. He looked at his watch to check the time and then looked around expecting to see his partner. She had exited the courtroom before he even had a chance to celebrate their victory on the case.
He heard heels clicking on the steps behind him and turned, hoping it was her, "What was with your partner?" Alex Cabot asked.
Elliot frowned, "I don't know. She left in a hurry."
Alex sighed, "She's been...off lately. Any idea what's going on with her?"
He shook his head, "No clue. But something's definitely bothering her…"
"Something with the case?" She asked, he shrugged, "She usually stays in control with the victims but something about this one seemed to rattle her."
Elliot thought it over for a moment, "I think I'll run by her apartment. Check in."
Alex smiled, "Let me know?"
He nodded, "I will. Congratulations on the win, Counselor. I'll see you tomorrow."
Twenty minutes later he pulled up out front of her apartment building. He wondered how many times he had picked up or driven her home. He could get here with his eyes closed. He sighed, turned off the car and made his way towards the building. He rode the elevator to her floor and turned left to her door.
He paused for a moment outside of it, his Detective skills kicking in. He could hear noise from inside so he knew she was home. Lifting his hand, he rapped on the door and waited. The noise ceased but she didn't open the door. He sighed and knocked again, after a minute he sighed, "Benson, open up. If you don't I'll-"
The door whipped open and she glared at him, "You'll what?"
He gave her that infamous Stabler smirk, "You've seen what I do when perps don't open a door."
She rolled her eyes, "What do you want Elliot?"
He took a deep breath and put his hands in his pockets, "You're not going to invite me in?"
Leaning against the doorframe she shook her head, "El I'm exhausted. Don't we see enough of each other during the day? Go home to your family."
He watched her carefully before answering, "And I will. But...before I do that, I need to know my partner is okay."
Her eyes looked down, and he knew she was avoiding him, "Elliot I'm fine. I'm just tired. We've worked nonstop for the last week."
He laughed, "We work nonstop every week Liv." She still didn't look at him but he pushed on, "What I want to know...is why this particular case got you so rattled."
She looked up quickly, "If you don't trust me anymore, ask Cragen for a new partner."
She went to shut the door but he blocked it with his foot, "That's not what this is about and you know it." She peeked at him through the crack, "I trust you completely. But clearly you don't trust me…"
Her heart ached at his words and she opened the door again, before whispering honestly."I do trust you."
The rawness in her voice struck something in his chest, and he tried to push it aside, "Then tell me what the hell is going on."
Sighing, she stepped to the side and cocked her head, "Come in."
He smiled reassuringly at her and walked all the way into her apartment. He looked to the kitchen and saw a bottle of beer freshly opened, "Got another?"
She walked past him, took one out of the fridge and popped open the top before handing it to him, "Here."
He took the bottle and raised it in her direction, "Thanks."
They stood awkwardly in the kitchen for a few minutes. Neither of them knew what to say. She was scared to open up and he didn't want to push too hard. He knew his partner. He knew what made her tick. But he also knew that there were things about her that he may never know. So he waited and gave her the space she needed to hopefully open up.
She took a deep breath and pointed towards the living room, "We might as well sit."
He let her make the first move and then followed her to the living room. She curled up on the couch and he thought about sitting beside her. Then he changed his mind and sat down in one of the chairs figuring she would need a little breathing room.
She took another few moments to gather her thoughts and then looked up at her partner and best friend, "You know that growing up...it was just me and my Mom."
Elliot nodded, "I remember."
She lifted the bottle to her lips and took a quick swig before rolling the bottle in her hands, "But I never told you...why."
He put his beer down on the coffee table and rested his elbows on his knees, "I don't und-"
"Elliot, my Mom was raped." The words came out of her mouth in a jumble, she needed to say it before she lost her nerve. "And I'm...the product of that rape."
Her words cut through him like a knife and he took a minute to try and process what she was saying. He knew if he waited to long she would think something bad so he had to say something quick, "Olivia-"
"You know she has an alcohol problem. She never dealt with it...and they never found him. The case went cold. She had me but...sometimes I wonder why." She whispered.
Their current case was about a woman who had murdered her rapist. She had planned it all. She had a son. Their son. And after three years of searching and planning, she found the man who had raped her and she brutally murdered him. Alex helped her receive a lesser sentence on account of PTSD after a push from Olivia. And now...he understood why.
"How come you never told me?" He asked softly.
She wondered if it was hurt she heard in his voice, "I've never told anyone this."
He sat up a little straighter, letting her admission settle in his chest, "You haven't?"
She smiled sadly, "Not a soul. I've always been too ashamed."
Elliot licked his lips, "Liv this isn't something to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your Mother. You know that. How many times have you told a victim that very same thing?"
She took a deep breath, "Yes I've said it. But I don't always believe it...at least not for myself." She shrugged, "Can you imagine keeping your rapists child? Having to be reminded of what happened every single day? I get so mad at the things she did to me sometimes...but then I think I got lucky. I deserved worse."
Elliot sighed, "You didn't deserve any of it. I'm sorry for what happened to your Mother. You know I am...but you…" His voice trailed off and she looked at him carefully, "Olivia you are a good person." She flinched, "You have a heart of gold and would do anything to help people. You always do. Since the minute Cragen put us together I've known you had my back. Every other partner I've had couldn't handle me. But you do. You've never given up on me even when you should have."
She smiled at him, "I'll never give up on you El. I like a challenge."
He smiled back, "Well I'm a hell of a challenge."
She laughed and then felt the tears burning in her eyes, she didn't want to cry in front of him, "Look El if you are worried...if you don't think I can handle the job anymore." He went to say something but she stopped him, "I would understand. I try my hardest to not let the job get to me like this. But I'm afraid it will happen from time to time. You have more to lose than I do. If you feel that you need to work with someone else I won't blame you."
He waited a moment, then stood up and walked over to her. He stood above her and could see the fear etched on her face. But underneath that, he saw the pain. The years of emotion she had worked so hard to bury away. He just wished she understood that she wasn't alone anymore…
He saw her swallow the lump in her throat, and her eyes were glossy with tears. He sat down beside her and reached for her beer. She was stone still as he put the bottle beside his. Then he turned back to her and reached for her hand. "Liv...you're my partner. For better or worse…"
Her lip quivered, "You don't think I'm incapable of doing the job?"
He shook his head, "I think what you've been through makes you more capable than most. You understand a different side to all of this. You have the ability to reach victims better than anyone I've ever known. I've always been in awe of it...but I understand it better now. You were made for this job."
She swallowed the lump in her throat, "My Mom did a lot of terrible things El...but she deserved to have justice."
He nodded and squeezed her hand, "She did. And I know that's why you fight so hard for all the victims we do see."
"I should be mad that you knew me well enough to show up like this." She said with a sad smile, "I'm not used to this."
Elliot nodded again, "I know. But you have to realize you're not alone anymore Liv. I'm here. I'll have your back. Always."
She smiled gently, "And I've got yours…"
She was grateful that he didn't push her to talk more about how she was feeling. It showed he knew her better than anymore. Instead he reached for their beers, handed her, her bottle and then settled in beside her. He reached for the clicker and propped his feet up on the coffee table and she was struck by how comfortable and normal this felt.
"Mind if I stay for a bit?" Elliot asked as he clicked through the channels.
She settled in beside him and shook her head, "No. Of course not."
He smiled and settled on a rerun of Seinfeld, "Okay."
She lifted her beer to her lips and took a sip, "Okay…"
He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes and saw her body relax for the first time in over a week. And in that moment...he made a silent promise to her that she would never be alone again.
Back on their bed, Elliot squeezed her leg, "It took a lot for you to open up to me that night."
She nodded, "I used to think I'd take that secret to the grave with me. I didn't want anyone to know. Especially everyone at work. I thought you'd all think I was weak...that I needed to leave SVU. As stupid as it sounds...SVU was the first place I felt at home. I didn't want to lose that."
He smiled at her, "It doesn't sound stupid. You know I understand that."
She watched him carefully for a moment, looked deep into his blue eyes that for so many years seemed to haunt her. Now...they were her solace. She knew they'd never lie to her. She knew they could see straight through to her soul. She may have never expected to have this kind of love or even that she deserved it. But she had it. And she wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize losing it.
"I love you Elliot. And if I'm being honest...I probably realized it that night. I never would have told you the truth if I didn't. I know that now." She whispered.
He took a deep breath, knowing how hard that admission probably was for her. "Liv…"
"Me going to Huang and not you wasn't about you. It was about me. I didn't trust myself and I still don't. Not fully. I needed to keep talking so that I didn't lose my nerve." She whispered, "I needed to be somewhere...neutral. Somewhere that didn't make me feel…" She shrugged, "...anything. I trust you completely Elliot. Please, please know that."
Her eyes were searching his soul and he knew she was telling the truth. Her eyes always gave her away. And right now she was being completely and totally vulnerable with him. "Okay."
She sighed and leaned into him, needing to feel his arms around her, "I love you."
He pressed a kiss to her head and wrapped his arms around her tightly, "I love you too."
He shifted them so they were lying down again and she yawned, "I'm still exhausted…"
"I know." He pulled the blanket up around them, "We have no where we need to be right now. Close your eyes."She let her eyes flutter shut and felt her body relax against him. There was so much to figure out, but right now she just needed to let herself feel safe. And in his arms...she knew she was.
Later that evening, Elliot was beginning to prep dinner. Olivia was taking a bath upstairs. They had spent most of the day in bed, talking and trying to figure out what their next steps were. The truth was that as excited as they were about the baby, they also had this problem looming over them and there was no way to separate the two.
He was reaching for a bowl when his cell phone rang. He reached into his pocket and saw Fin's name flash across the screen before he answered. "Hi Fin."
"Hey." Fin said, "Sorry for calling...I know you all need a little space but-"
"But you care about your partner." He said with a smile as he shut the cabinet door again, "I know Fin. It's okay. I'm glad she has someone beside her that will protect her to the death. Gives me peace of mind when I can't be there."
Fin took a deep breath, "She's my little sister. I'll always have her back."
"I know. And she knows that too." He heard the water draining upstairs, "She'll talk to you when she's ready."
"Good." He paused, "I called to check in...but I also called with some news."
Elliot stood up a little straighter, "Oh?"
"We found him." Fin said softly, "Munch and I brought him in about two hours ago but he isn't talking."
Elliot felt his heart pounding and he could her Olivia moving around up in their bedroom, "What-"
"He's...a real sick son of a bitch. We found a lot of things at his house. Our victim and Serena were far from his only attacks." He said.
Elliot lifted a hand and squeezed the bridge of his nose, "Jesus…"
"Casey says we have more than enough for a conviction. But she also knows that this…" He paused, "Is going to be very complicated."
Elliot sighed, "She's going to want to see him."
"I know. Which is why I wanted to call you first. Cap's a bundle of nerves. We're...going to handle this the best way we can for her and the victim. Or...victims." He said honestly.
Elliot smiled, "You always do."
"So what do we do now?" Fin asked, "Do you want me to come over to tell her with you?"
Elliot thought about his wife, and he thought about their baby. "No...no I'll tell her. But I will have her call you if I can."
Fin sighed, "Okay. I respect that. I'll call if anything happens here. Munch is with him now."
"Okay. Thank you Fin. I know you and I-" His voice cracked, "We haven't always seen eye to eye but I am very grateful to have a friend like you. I'm even more grateful that you care about my wife the way you do."
Fin was quiet for a moment, "I said I'm here for Liv...and I am. And you may be a giant pain in my ass 99% of the time...but you know if you need-
"I know." Elliot said softly, "I know. And it works both ways…"
Fin heard someone say his name from behind him, "I'll call later."
"Bye. Thanks Fin." He hung up the phone and slipped it into his pocket.
He turned his body and faced the cabinet again. He took a deep breath and rested his hands on the cabinet doors. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe, wondering how to talk to her about this. He was so deep in thought he didn't hear her coming into the kitchen but he was alerted to her presence when he felt her arms wrap around his back and across his stomach.
"We can just order in if you want." She whispered, "I know you're tired too."
He sighed and let one hand drop to place over hers, "I'm okay."
Something in his voice sent warning bells off in her head, "El?"
He turned slowly and quickly pulled her into his arms again, he cupped her face in his hands, "I need to tell you something."
She squeezed his shift in her hands, "Okay…"
"Fin just called…" He whispered, her eyes were searching his carefully, "They found him. He's down at the precinct."
She froze and he held her tighter, "They've seen him?"
Elliot nodded, "Munch and Fin are questioning him now."
She took a deep breath and slowly detached herself from him. He almost didn't let her go but he also knew she would probably need some space. He watched her walk over to the kitchen Island and lean against it. If only he could get inside her brain and be witness to the thoughts she was having.
"Liv I know-" He spoke quickly but she put her hand up signaling she needed a minute so he waited.
She took a few deep breaths and then licked her lips, "As happy as I am about this baby...it's a real shame that I can't have a drink right about now."
He smiled anxiously at her, "I'll refrain in solidarity."
She laughed but felt tears burning in her eyes, she ran a hand through her hair and sighed, "So...what now?"
Elliot eyed her carefully, "Casey said there is more than enough evidence for a conviction."
She let his words wash over her before asking the question she was dreading, "There are more...aren't there?"
Elliot nodded slowly, "Yes."
He watched her eyes close slowly and move one hand to her stomach. They stood there in silence letting the emotion fill the room. She didn't move for at least two minutes then she took a step towards him, "I should call Fin…"
He nodded slowly, "I think he'd like to hear your voice. Everyone's worried."
She stepped all the way up to him and pressed her forehead to his chest, "So am I…"
Instinctively, he wrapped her arms around her back and kissed the top of her head. "You're stronger than you realize Liv. You always have been."
She lifted her head to look at him slowly, "But what happens when I have a moment of weakness?"
He lifted one hand and tangled his hand in her hair, "Then you lean on me. And Fin...and Munch and all the other people who love you." He watched a tear escape the corner of her eye and he brushed it away with his thumb. "You haven't been alone since you stepped into that precinct Olivia. We are your family. And we always will be."
She let out a shaky breath and then rested her head in the crook of his neck again and he took the hint. He rocked her back and forth and let her run through her emotions no questions asked.
Thirty minutes later, Olivia was sitting on the couch. They had moved into the living room to talk some more. When she was ready, she told Elliot she wanted to call Elliot. He handed her his phone and kissed the top of her head before walking back to the kitchen to give her some space.
She stared at the phone in her hands for a few minutes, then finally went through the motions of making the call. It rang three times before she heard her Partner's voice, "Hey Elliot."
"It's me." She said in a gentle voice, she heard him inhale sharply.
"Hey baby girl…" He whispered, "You had us worried sick."
"I know. And I'm sorry about that. I just...I needed to think." She paused, "Thank you for going to get my car with Huang."
"Of course." He whispered, "You know I got your back."
She smiled and reached for the throw blanket on the back of the couch, "You always have."
She heard him walking and then heard a door closed and she wondered where in the Precinct he was, "I'm assuming that Elliot told you?"
"He did…" She whispered anxiously, "He's still there?"
"Cragen is taking a crack at him." Fin said honestly, "Munch is meeting with Casey to go over our options."
She smiled knowing that her friends would move mountains to help her with this. They already had, "Cap's in on the interrogation? Geez...pulling out all the stops."
"You know you're his favorite." Fin said, "I don't think he's sat down in the last 24 hours."
She smiled knowing that what Elliot said earlier was true. She hadn't been on her own since the day she walked into that Precinct. She just didn't realize how lucky she was until this very moment.
"What's...what's he like?" She whispered softly.
She heard Fin sigh, "He hasn't said much...he's sticking to his guns."
She licked her lips, "But you can read him…"
Fin smiled, "He's guilty Olivia. Of a lot of crimes...and I'm not going to stop until I see him behind bars where he belongs. None of us are. That's one promise I can keep."
She smiled, "You've never broken a promise to me before. I don't imagine you will now."
They were quiet for a moment, "I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. None of us can. But we need you to trust us."
"I do trust you. I trust all of you." She said with a small sniffle.
"But you don't trust yourself." He whispered, knowing her better than she realized.
"Fin...yesterday was like an out of body experience. I don't know how else to explain it but I just snapped. I really thought I was going to go off the deep end. I mean I did...but I thought I'd cross a line I couldn't take back." She whispered.
"But the important thing is that you didn't." He whispered, "You went to Huang and you took the first step to work through this. I'm proud of you Liv."
She wished he was in front of her now so she could hug him because his words meant more to her than she could explain, "Thank you Fin."
"There is nothing to thank me for, baby girl. From the day I met you...I knew you were a badass. This isn't going to break you. I know you better than that. You're going to come out this stronger than ever and I can't wait to see what happens next." He said honestly.
She knew she could tell him about the baby, he wouldn't tell anyone else. But it was still early and she wanted to hold onto this for a little while and knew Huang wouldn't tell anyone either. She had been afraid that Elliot would be upset that Huang knew before him but he wasn't. Especially because Huang had figured it out on his own.
"I'll call you tomorrow." She whispered, "And please...tell everyone that I-"
"I will." He whispered, not needing her to finish, "Go take care of yourself. We got it handled here."
"Bye Fin." She heard him say his goodbyes and then she hung up the phone.
She leaned forward and put Elliot's phone down on the coffee table. She let their conversation sink in and wondered how many victims of this man were out there. She even wondered if she had any siblings…
Her thoughts were interrupted when Elliot walked into the living room and held out a bowl to her. She looked up and smiled as he settled in beside her with his own dinner. "Looks good. Thanks."
Elliot took his first bite and watched her carefully, "How'd it go with Fin?"
She sighed and lifted her fork, "He said Cragen's questioning him."
Elliot smiled, "You know they want to protect you."
She nodded, "I know…" She took a bite of her dinner and then paused, "El you know that I-"
"You want to see him." He whispered, reading her mind quickly.
She sighed and moved to set her bowl down on the table, "El I have too."
He lowered his bowl to his lap and nodded, "I know you do. But it doesn't mean it doesn't scare the crap out of me."
She smiled sadly and reached out to put a hand on his arm, "I'm not going to pretend that I'm not a total mess right now. Because I am." She laughed sadly, "To be fair I've always been a mess...this is just next level."
He gave her a sobering look, "Liv…"
"But I can promise you that this child is more important to me then getting revenge." She whispered, "I'm not going to do something to put this baby in danger. You know there is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be a Mother."
He nodded slowly, "I do know that."
"But more than that…" She reached for his bowl and moved it to the table, "I don't want to ruin this life you've given me El. I'll fight like hell to make sure he gets what he deserves...but not to the point where I lose what we have."
He let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding in, "Liv yesterday…" His voice cracked and he didn't try to hide the emotion that he was feeling, "Was one of the scariest days of my life…"
She bit her lip, "El…"
He squeezed her hand, needing to open up fully. "I thought I was going to lose you. And I don't...I don't want to feel that way again. I need you. I'm going to support you every step of the way in this no matter what. But I need you…"
She watched as a tear escaped the corner of his eye, "I need you too...and I promise you I'm not going anywhere." He let out another shaky breath, "I'm right where I'm supposed to be."
He read her expression carefully and knew that she was being 100% honest with him. She would fight for her Mother. She would fight for all of the victims just like she always did. But at the end of the day...she was going to fight to protect their family above all else. She had proved that yesterday when she went to Huang instead of chasing down a ghost. And she would continue to prove that everyday...
Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to her lips, "Okay."
She smiled and kissed him back, "Okay."
He picked up their bowls again, "You need to eat. Baby Stabler needs you to be strong."
She smiled and settled back into her spot on the couch, "We're having a baby…"
Her voice came out in barely a whisper and he smiled, he held his bowl with one hand and squeezed her leg with the other. "We're having a baby."
She gave him another smile and then focussed on the dinner in front of her. The road ahead was fully of a lot of uncertainty. But underneath it all...the foundation of their relationship was going to be what held them all together. It always had. And it always would.
So this chapter was very E/O centered and I felt that was important. It was a little more light...at times because I wanted their relationship and connection to build that foundation for Olivia's strength and ability to do the right thing.
As I said, I'm really enjoying writing this. I will update as soon as I can! Probably by Monday. If not sooner :)