Once again, thanks for all the support. This has been such a release for me to write again and I hope to keep going!
In this chapter, Olivia will begin to explore her emotions about the case and her Father. She will also explore her relationship with her family at the precinct in order to stay on track and not give into her fears and insecurities. There will be more flashbacks and more emotion and I hope you enjoy.
Side note - I noticed the formatting is getting a bit messed up. It looks totally fine when I upload the documents and then after I publish...some of the lines are squishing together. Sorry about that!
Elliot and Olivia parked outside the precinct like they had done a million times before. They walked together into the building and into the elevator hand in hand. As they stepped onto the floor, Olivia went to walk towards the main office but she felt Elliot tug at her hand.
She turned and let him pull her to the side. She didn't need to ask him what the problem was, it was written all over his face. She smiled and squeezed his hand, "I'm okay."
He sighed and took a deep breath, "I just want...I want you to remember that feeling looking at that ultrasound today. No matter what we hear or see in there...just hold onto that."
Stepping all the way up to him, she pressed a hand to his chest and kissed him gently, "I will. Besides...you're going to be right beside me the whole time. Right?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "Every step of the way."
She kissed him again and then pulled back, slipped her hand into his and took a deep breath, ready to face whatever lay ahead of her as long as he was beside her. This was her home...her first real home and it felt weird to have her old life and this one collide in such a complicated way. As they stepped into the main office area, the hustle and bustle of the room sent a calming sensation into her soul. This place felt so normal, so comfortable and safe. Despite all the terrible things they saw and heard here everyday...she knew who she was within these four walls.
"Olivia." A voice said from in front of her, she looked and saw John Munch staring hopefully at her.
She smiled and let him lean in for a hug, "Hi John."
He squeezed her tight, "It's good to see you here."
She squeezed him back, "It's good to be seen."
John stepped back and Fin stepped up, "Hey baby girl…"
She smiled to herself, knowing that if anyone else had ever tried to call her that she would have fought them on it. But it was just who Fin was and she was grateful for the name and for her relationship with hi, "Hi."
He took his turn to hug her, "How are you doing?"
She squeezed back and then pulled away, settling in beside Elliot again, "I'm...hanging in there." She took a moment to let herself take in the feeling of being surrounded by three of the most important men in her life, "Listen I just want to thank-"
"Thirty seconds." Munch said nudging Fin, "Took her thirty seconds. You owe me ten bucks."
She scoffed at them both and Fin chuckled, "Fine. I'll pay up in the form of pizza tonight."
John pointed at him, "Extra anchovies."
Fin rolled his eyes and turned back to his partner and best friend, "No need to thank us Liv. We're family. This is what family does for each other. You'd do the same."
She smiled and nodded, "Yes. I would."
They heard a door open to the right and then heard his voice, "Benson, can I talk to you for a minute?"
All four of them turned to look at their boss and saw Cragen standing in the doorway to his office. She smiled at the man she considered to be a father figure. She turned back to Fin, John and then Elliot, "Do you mind if I talk to him alone?"
Elliot shook his head, "No. Of course not. I'll be out here if you need me."
She leaned forward and kissed his cheek, "Okay."
He gave her arm a squeeze and let her walk past him and towards their bosses door. He walked to his desk to talk to Fin and John knowing she needed to take this step alone. She'd come to him when she needed him.
Olivia walked up to the door and watched as Cragen stepped inside and a memory flooded her mind…
Olivia had just gotten the call about her Mother. She knew she was gone and she was feeling a rush of different emotions. It was late...Elliot had gone home to see Kathy and the kids. John and Fin were on a stakeout and she wasn't sure what to do. Without even realizing it, she found herself outside of her bosses office.
She didn't knock, but Cragen saw her through the glass. He waited a moment and tried to read her expression. He could tell that something was wrong just by looking at her. Standing up, he walked over to the door and opened it, "Olivia?"
Her head snapped up and frowned, "Oh...Cap I-"
He looked out into the mostly empty squad room and stepped aside, "Come in."
She moved on autopilot, not even sure how her legs were functioning correctly. She stumbled and fell into one of the chairs in Cragen's office. He watched her carefully and then closed the door to give them privacy. Walking over to his desk, he pulled back his chair and sat down. She didn't say anything for a few moments and he gave her the space she needed to process whatever was going on in her mind.
But when she was ready, the words started to tumble out, "I-I think that I'm going to need some time off."
Cragen watched her carefully, "Okay. You have plenty of time lined up. You never take a day off…" He smiled sadly, "Hell you show up when you're not supposed to be here."
She smiled sadly, "Yeah well...the job is everything to me. Hard to separate myself sometimes."
Cragen nodded, "True...but everyone needs a break sometimes Olivia. Especially at a job like this."
She nodded slowly and looked down, she realized her hands were shaking. She felt a rush of emotion start from her toes and rise up her body before the tears started to spill from her eyes. She was embarrassed but she couldn't hold it in. Cragen stood up and walked around the desk, he pulled a chair up in front of her and reached for her hands.
"Olivia...breathe." He whispered, he squeezed her hands, "What's going on?"
She took a shaky breath and whispered, "My Mom...there was an accident."
Cragen finally started to understand, "Oh Olivia…"
She shook her head, "I hadn't checked in for a few weeks. We were arguing more than usual. I needed space. I should have-"
He squeezed her hands again, "Olivia you know that you couldn't save her."
It had taken a while, but after opening up to Elliot she had confided in Cragen about her Mother's alcoholism and the reason for it. As a recovering alcoholic himself, Cragen had become a safe place for her to discuss her relationship with her Mother.
Olivia looked up at him, "Couldn't I?"
He shook his head, "No. What happened to your Mother years ago was terrible...but when something like alcoholism takes control the only person that can save the person is themselves. But they have to want to do it."
She frowned and looked down at their joined hands, "How can I hate and love her so much at the same time?"
He sighed and felt her crumble forward until she was leaning against his chest. He always tried to keep it professional with his staff. But he couldn't deny that he had a soft spot for Olivia. He cared about her. He respected her and was amazed by how well she did her job. But he also knew that she needed someone to lean on from time to time and he knew he would always be that person if she reached out to him.
"It's okay…" He whispered, "Everything is going to be okay. I'll help you."
She continued to cry, not even trying to pull it together. She couldn't. She needed to release it all and she was grateful that she had a safe space to do just that.
Snapping back into the present, Olivia walked all the way into the room and shut the door behind her. She smiled as Cragen leaned against the desk.
"Hey Cap…" She whispered as she walked into the room.
He took a deep breath and took in her appearance. She knew he was trying to assess her body language. She may not be a perp, but old habits die hard. She knew he could read her better than most people and rather than feeling annoyed by that, she just felt grateful.
"You know when you came back from your stint in Oregon...I told you that I would support you." He whispered.
She nodded, "I remember."
"And when you and Elliot got together...I pulled a hell of a lot of strings to make sure you could both stay on here." He said.
She looked down, feeling slightly embarrassed, "And we appreciated that…"
He sighed, "The day I gave you away...I asked you to promise me to come to me if you needed me. If I remember correctly, you agreed to do just that." He saw her flinch but he pushed on, "So I want to know why you didn't do that when you needed me most?"
She took a deep breath and looked up, "Cap...it all happened so fast. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I worried you all but I just...I wasn't thinking clearly."
Cragen swallowed hard, before asking the question he really needed the answer too. "And are you thinking clearly now?"
Instinctively, her hand covered her stomach and it didn't go unnoticed by her boss. However, he didn't say anything. "I'm thinking clearly."
Cragen pushed off the desk and walked over to her, "This isn't going to be easy. I know that. But you need to lean on us Olivia. No matter what."
She smiled softly at him and reached her hand out to touch his arm, "I know. And I will. I promise. I'm going to need you all now more than ever."
Cragen crossed the invisible barrier and pulled her in for a hug, "I'm going to hold you too that Detective."
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and breathed him in, feeling her safety net continue to grow.
They talked alone for another couple of minutes and then together they walked out of this office and into the main squad room. They walked together up to John's desk where Elliot, Fin and Munch were sorting through paperwork.
Fin looked up, "So...what happens now?"
She shrugged, "I uh...I'd like to see what you guys have." They all eyed her skeptically, "We know you can't talk me out of it. Elliot's already tried. But I need to do this...it's the only way to start to get some closure."
Fin, Munch and Cragen gave Elliot a quick look and he nodded, "It's okay."
Fin pushed off of the edge of John's desk and nodded, "Why don't we go upstairs."
They all agreed and walked up the stairs so they could have some privacy. John and Fin took the folders with them and let Olivia and Elliot settle in at the table before joining them. Cragen leaned against the railing and watched the scene unfold in front of him.
Elliot scooted his chair as close to Olivia's as possible and wrapped an arm around the back of her chair. She felt a sudden rush of calmness filter through her body just by being in his presence. She looked up at her two friends and coworkers before lifting her hands up to take a folder from Fin.
"So…" She whispered, "What did you find?"
John eyed Fin out of the corner of his eyes and let him take the lead, "We tracked Joseph Hollister down to a pretty sleepy down in Jersey. He lives in a rundown ranch style house by himself. He's about 69 years old."
Olivia slowly opened the file and felt her heart start to pound as she laid eyes on the man that had haunted her dreams for so long. She searched his face trying to find some part of herself in his face but she couldn't. It was quiet in the room and she was grateful that everyone was giving her the time she needed to process. She felt Elliot start to rub circles on her back to reassure her he was still there.
She took a deep breath, "How many other charges?"
"It seems that he was able to get away with a lot of crimes in his younger years." John said, "But he started to get cocky and sloppy in the last few years."
She looked up at him and asked again, "How many?"
John looked over at Cragen and he took the lead, "After his DNA matched through the system...we are looking at upwards of 23 rape cases connected to him. But we believe there could be more."
She flinched and looked back down at the picture of the man who was partially responsible for her existence. "Liv…" Elliot whispered, clearly worried she wasn't ready to handle this.
She shook her head and moved the picture to the side to start to look at the other papers and evidence. There were pictures of women. All in various states of appearance, different ages, races and heights. There was no rhyme or reason for any of them. He didn't have a type. He just clearly liked the challenge and the feeling of power.
She shuffled through the photos before she found the one she was looking for. A picture of a battered and bruised Serena Benson clearly taken after she gave her statement to the Police. Her Mother never told her much about what had happened but she had been able to fill in the missing pieces over the years after listening to her Mother's drunken rants.
She had been leaving work late one night. She was working as a waitress to help pay for school. She had left the restaurant, walked out to the parking lot but never made it to her car. Joseph had hit her over the head with a blunt object and dragged her to his own car. The rest...was history.
Elliot leaned into and squeezed her shoulder, "Liv, honey…"
She put the picture down and looked up again, ignoring him, "What does Casey think?"
They were all quiet for a few moments, trying to understand what she was feeling and thinking. But they all knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going to stop now.
"She thinks we have more than enough evidence for a conviction. In many of the cases." Fin said. "Some have passed their statute of limitations...but there are enough in the last few years that we could get him for life. There may have been a murder recently too…"
She licked her lips and knew that her Mother's case was long passed due. She sighed but remained hopeful that they could still get him for other cases. She nodded slowly and looked up at him, "And has he said anything?"
Cragen shook his head, "Not much. He's smart...he seems to know the way this all works."
Olivia looked down at the file again and then closed it, "I want to see him."
She heard Elliot sigh beside her and looked around at the four men in the room. They were all just staring at her, clearly uncomfortable with what she had said. She also knew that they knew she wasn't going to give it up though.
"Casey figured you'd say that…" John said, "She said she could get you a face to face with him. If…"
She raised an eyebrow at him challenging his words,"If, what?"
"If you promise to not do anything stupid." A voice said from the stairs.
All eyes turned to see Casey walking towards them. "Casey-"
Casey Novak stepped all the way into the room and sighed, "Liv this is serious...and I know that it is complicated. But you have to remember what is at stake here."
She nodded slowly. "I know."
Casey turned to look at Elliot for some guidance and he just shook his head, "I could get you in on Thursday. But you'll only be allowed to go in alone. Elliot will have to wait outside."
Elliot tensed and immediately began to push back, "No. No way. She's not going in there alone."
Olivia moved her hand to rest it on his leg, "Elliot…"
He turned to look at her, "I told you I'd support you and I will. I know I can't change your mind on this but I'm not going to let you just walk into a room alone with a madman."
"Elliot, he'll be in custody. I assume he'll be cuffed. He can't touch me." She whispered, "And even if he did...I can take care of myself."
"Maybe that's what we are afraid of." Fin whispered.
All eyes looked up to Fin but he didn't back down and he didn't take it back, "Fin…" She whispered nervously.
"Don't forget we know you Olivia. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid. But we're not going to let you do something you can't take back." He said.
She sighed and moved both hands to rest on the table, she rubbed the manilla folder, "I know that me running the other day...among other things make it seem like I can't control myself. But I made a promise to Elliot...and I intend to keep it." She looked up at her friends, "I won't pretend I haven't thought of the hundreds of ways I could kill him. The man has haunted every day of my life since my birth. I'd love nothing more than to be the reason he leaves this Earth. I wish my face could be the last one he saw so he knew he wasn't as in control as he thinks. But…" She took a deep breath and spoke honestly, "I have worked too hard to get the life I now live. I'm not going to do anything to risk that."
Her words settled between them all in the room and they all knew she was telling the truth. Casey walked closer to her friend and sat down on the other side of her, "Okay then...we have work to do."
Olivia smiled at her friend and reached for her hand, grateful that she was surrounded by so many strong and caring people. She knew she wouldn't do anything she would regret, but it didn't mean that she didn't need this constant support system to hold her up.
A few hours later, Olivia was standing with Casey by the coffee machine. She was making herself a cup of tea, she was glad she had started that habit while she was in Oregon. It didn't send a trigger to Casey's brain about why she wasn't drinking coffee.
Olivia lifted the cup to her lips and took a sip, "So Thursday at 10?"
Casey watched her friend carefully, "Yes. I'll be there the whole time too with Elliot." She turned and looked at their friends, "And I won't be surprised if Thing 1, 2 and the boss insist on coming too."
Olivia smiled and felt the warmth of the cup settle in her hands and into her soul, "Me either."
"You know we just want to help." Casey whispered, "We know how hard this is and we just...we want to be here for you."
Olivia looked at her friend and reached a hand out to squeeze her arm, "I know that. And I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sorry that I worried you all...but I really meant it when I said I wasn't going to do anything stupid. I have too much to lose."
Casey looked back and saw Elliot talking to Fin and Munch, "God...remember what happened when you and Elliot first started dating? Fin and Elliot almost killed each other."
Olivia laughed, "Oh I remember...I really thought they were going to kill each other."
"One of my favorite days here." Casey said, "It gave me a lot of entertainment in our usual mind numbing days."
Olivia smirked and thought back to those first few weeks of their relationship. Elliot and Olivia had been reassigned to John and Fin respectively. While everyone was trying to adjust to the new developments, Fin and Elliot seemed to be struggling with some inner battle that Olivia couldn't seem to understand.
It had been a long night. A very LONG night. None of them had left the Precinct in days. They were on the hunt for a man who had kidnapped two teenage girls but they had reached a number of dead ends.
Olivia was sitting at her new desk across from Fin. It was still a strange feeling. However, she knew it was well worth it. She trusted Fin with her life. She was just so used to being Elliot's partner it was taking some getting used too. And it was clear that she wasn't the only one struggling with the adjustment.
The tension in the room was palpable but they were all trying to ignore it. She felt a kink in her neck and she sighed, lifting her hand she started to rub the back of her neck. She felt someone step up behind her and wasn't surprised when Elliot leaned down and offered her a cup of coffee, "Here."
She smiled at him and took the cup, "Thanks."
"She prefers tea you know." Fin said from his spot at his desk.
Olivia cringed and Elliot stood up slowly, "I do know that. But I also know she's exhausted and needs something stronger to keep her awake."
Fin leaned back in his chair, "How many sugars does she take?"
John turned his chair and nudged Casey who was standing beside his desk, "Oh it's happening. Look."
Casey followed his gaze and saw Elliot scoff at his friend and co-worker, "You're kidding me, right?"
Fin smirked at him, "I'm not. How many sugar does she take?"
Elliot narrowed his eyes at her, "Why, you need to take notes so you'll actually be able to be there for her."
Fin stood up quickly, "She takes 1 and a half. Sometimes two depending on the roast. And only almond milk. Never regular."
Elliot clapped his hands sarcastically, "Well congratulations Fin. You know her coffee order. That will be a big help in making sure she doesn't get hurt out on the street."
Olivia stood up and put a hand on his chest, "Okay...let's all take a step back for a second. We're tired and-"
"At least I'll be watching her back and not her backside." Fin countered, "She'll be much safer with me.""Yikes…" Casey said leaning against John's desk, "This is getting ugly."
John chuckled and propped his feet up on his desk, "Nah it's just getting good."
Olivia quickly pressed her back against Elliot's chest and turned back to Fin, "Both of you. Stop."
Elliot pushed past Olivia, "You son of a bitch-"
"You got something you want to say, Stabler? Say it!" Fin said defensively.
Both men were in each other's faces and Olivia gave a frantic look to Munch and Casey. But both of them seemed too invested in the show to care about helping her. She huffed and quickly separated the two men again, "Interrogation room." They both stopped yelling and looked at her in confusion, she glared at him and pointed down the hall. "Now!"
Both men huffed and then followed her looking ready to throw punches. Casey and John waited a moment then quickly ran after them to catch the rest of the show. Olivia was standing in the interrogation room, arms crossed and foot tapping. Elliot and Fin went to opposite sides of the room and refused to talk. John and Casey stood on the other side of the glass and quickly pressed the button so they could hear every word said.
Olivia looked between her boyfriend, new work partner and best friend and sighed, "The two of you have always bickered. But the last few weeks have been ridiculous."
"Yeah well...your boyfriends a prick." Fin snapped.
Elliot rolled his eyes, "You got a crush on her or something? Is that what this is about?"
"Get off your high horse." Fin said quickly, "Olivia is like my sister."
Olivia sighed, "Look...I know that you both care about me." They stared at her and the tension was making her feel like she was drowning, "But I'm not going to do this forever. It's exhausting." She turned to Fin and sighed, "Whether you like it or not...Elliot and I are in a relationship now. You have your opinions and I understand and respect them. But I'm happy…"
Elliot smirked at Fin, "See? She's happy?"
Before Fin could say anything, Olivia turned to Elliot, "And you have to get over the fact that Fin is my partner now. We both knew that if we crossed this line we would be separated. We're lucky as hell we didn't get reassigned to different precincts. But Cragen can still change his mind if you're going to be like this. I trust Fin with my life. And I need you to do the same."
He went to respond but she shook her head. She looked back and forth between them and was struck by how much she cared for them both. And despite how frustrating this was...she knew their tension was because they cared about her too.
"You two are going to stay here and hash this out." They went to protest but she put her hand up, "You're not coming out until you come to an agreement. And if you don't…" She looked sadly at them, "Then we're going to have to make some changes. Because I'm not going to choose between you and I really don't want you to ask me to."
She didn't give them time to respond, she just excited the room and shut the door knowing she could lock it from the outside if they tried to leave. She wasn't surprised to see Casey and Munch watching through the double mirror.
Munch gave her a look, "You sure you want to do this? I'm pretty sure they're both armed."
Olivia rolled her eyes and went to stand between him and Casey, "I'm sure. They need to both grow a pair and man up."
Casey held out a bag of candy, "Here. This could take awhile."
Olivia laughed and took the offering, "Yes it could."
"At least we have front row seats." John said, "This is the best show I've seen in weeks."
Inside, the room, both men were glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room. All that could be heard was the sounds of the city out the window and the hum of the old light in the ceiling
Elliot huffed and shook his head, "I don't know what she expects to happen."
"She expects you to pull your head out of your ass and stop being such a dick. But if I were her...I wouldn't hold my breath." Fin said with a smirk.
Elliot glared at him, "What the hell did I do that made you hate me so much?"
Fin glared right back, "You're cocky and that pisses me off. You're not as perfect as you think you are."
Elliot's eyes widened, "Fin, one thing I can assure you is that I have never and will never claim to be perfect. I'm far from it. I'm a mess and that is one thing we don't need to argue about."
Fin sighed, "Then if you're such a mess...how are you going to take care of her?"
Elliot took a deep breath and went to answer, "Fin-"
"To answer your question...no. I don't want to be with her like that. But I do care about her. More than I can explain. She's my little sister and I'm incredibly protective of her. I've watched this thing play out for years. I've watched the pain it's caused her. While I'm not surprised it happened...I am worried about how it will end. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart if you suddenly change your mind. And if I'm being honest...if you do hurt her-" He pointed to his gun, "I won't be afraid to use this."
Elliot smiled at the last statement and then paused, "I know that you care. I also know that you have her back." Fin gave him a look of surprise, "I'm not worried that she's not protected out there. I also know that I've made my share of mistakes. I also know that in the past...I've hurt her. But I'm in this Fin. I don't know why the hell she wants me...but as long as she does I'm not going anywhere."
Both men stared at each other and finally Fin sighed, "Fine. But I will kick your ass if-"
"I know." Elliot whispered, "And if I'm stupid enough to screw this up...I'll more than deserve it."
Fin nodded and leaned against the table in the middle of the room. "True. So...now that we have that settled, why do you hate me?"
Elliot frowned, "I don't hate you. I'm just...a little jealous."
Fin glared at him, "What do you mean you're jealous? I just told you-"
"I know." He said quickly, "But...I was her partner for 8 years. That relationship meant a lot to me. And even though we've been able to start something new and wonderful...it doesn't mean I don't miss that part of our relationship. It's taking some time to get used too."
Outside the room, Elliot's words struck a chord with Olivia. Because not that she had admitted, she was mourning the loss of their work partnership too. She loved Fin and truly did trust him with her life. But she was always so in sync with Elliot, it felt strange to be working with someone else. Even if it was one of her best friends.
Fin nodded slowly, "I guess I can understand that."
Elliot eyed him carefully, "And…"
"And…?" Fin asked, pushing him further, "And what?"
Elliot sighed, "Fin...if anything ever happened to her I don't think I could handle it. I know that she is strong and can take care of herself. But there are a lot of creeps out there that I don't trust."
Fin sighed, "You really do love her."
Elliot felt the blush grow in his cheeks, "Yeah...I do."
The honesty in his voice changed something for Fin and he knew that this thing between Olivia and Elliot was real, "I promise you that I'm not going to let anything happen to her. Not on my watch."
Elliot turned all the way to his girlfriends new partner and sighed, "I'm sorry...you know for being such a jerk."
Fin shrugged, "Nothing new."
Elliot laughed, "Yeah...yeah…"
Fin sighed and pointed behind him, "You know she's listening to every word of this. Right?"
He laughed harder, "Ten bucks Casey and Munch are out there too."
"How's that going by the way?" Fin asked, "He making you mental yet?"
Elliot groaned, "If I have to hear one more conspiracy theory about Dick Cheney I'm going to shoot him and make it look like an accident."
Fin laughed, "Yeah...he's your problem now." He paused and stood up, "But is it worth it?"
Elliot smiled knowing what he was really asking, "More than worth it."
Outside the window, Casey turned to her friend, "Well I guess it's official. I no longer have a wingwoman. You're spoken for."
Olivia laughed at her friend, "Sorry."
She sighed and shook her head, "Don't be. I'm just glad you finally figured it out and made it work with Elliot. If you had started dating someone else...we really would be needing to find a way to get Elliot out of jail for murder. The man's got it bad."
Olivia rolled her eyes but felt the blush growing in her cheeks, "Yeah, yeah."
Casey chuckled and walked out of the room, "Come on John...you owe me dinner. I bet that today was the day that Elliot admitted his feelings out loud. Spot on."
John sighed, "Alas, she is right. I picked a year ago...but he's more stubborn than I realized." He turned to Casey, "Be right there."
Casey stepped out of the room and he flicked the button to drown out the sound of Fin and Elliot finishing their conversation. Then he turned to Olivia and smiled, "So...you're happy?"
Olivia smiled, "I am John. I'm really happy."
He nodded and walked over to her, "Good. But just so we're clear...those two idiots aren't the only ones here who care about you."
Olivia's smile widened, "John...don't tell them...but quite honestly...I like you better than the both of them combined. I just knew that my feelings weren't going to be reciprocated so I settled for Elliot."
John chuckled, "You really wanted to be wife number five?"
She lifted a shoulder and shrugged, "A girl can dream, can't she?"
He smiled and leaned in to hug her before whispering, "They give you any trouble...you call me."
She squeezed him back, "Without hesitation."
John gave her shoulder a squeeze and then left the room just as the interrogation room opened and Fin and Elliot emerged. Olivia turned to them, arms crossed and a very serious expression on her face.
"So...have we worked out our problems boys?" She asked in a motherly tone.
Fin sighed, "We came to an understanding."
Olivia looked at Elliot for further confirmation, "Is that so?"
He smirked at her, "As if you weren't listening to the whole conversation?"
She shrugged but smirked, "I plead the fifth."
Both men started laughing and she walked over to them both. She lifted her hands and put a hand on each of their shoulders, "So I don't have to break in a new partner and a new boyfriend?"
Elliot shook his head, "No."
"I'm willing to put up with him for you." Fin said with a sigh, "But I'm not happy about it."
She smiled and leaned forward to kiss his cheek, "Oh. But I am! And that's all that matters right? Because you both lo-"
"We're so screwed." Elliot said with a laugh, "She's never going to let this go. And for the record…" He pointed a finger at her, "No kissing your new partner."
Olivia smiled and leaned forward to kiss Elliot on his lips, "Noted. Only kissing my old partner from now on."
Elliot rolled his eyes, "You're insufferable."
"Worse than insufferable. Exhausting." Fin said with a shake of his head as they started to walk out of the room."Yes. But...you both lov-" She started to call after them, they turned and gave her a look, "Shutting up now."
Both Fin and Elliot laughed as they exited the room and Olivia watched them go, starting to realize just how damn lucky she really was.
An hour later, Olivia had poured over all the evidence that her coworkers had found. She was exhausted and more than a little overwhelmed. But...she also knew that she was safe with all of them.
Elliot walked over to her at one point and leaned in, "It's been a long day...we should probably go soon. You know you need your rest."
She smiled at him. They agreed not to tell anyone else about the baby right now but she knew he was right. "Yeah. You're right." He smirked at her and she couldn't help but laugh, "Don't get used to hearing me say that Stabler."
He chuckled, "Trust me. I won't." He gave her arm a squeeze, "I'm going to call Eli and the twins to say goodnight. Let you say goodbye…" He said nodding towards their friends, "Meet you at the elevator?"
She nodded and gave him a kiss, "Yeah. Thanks hon."
She waited until he had left and then walked over to Casey, John and Fin who were digging into a pizza they had ordered. Extra anchovies and all for John. "Hey. Want some?" John asked, "The anchovies are extra delicious today since I didn't pay for them."
She smiled and shook her head, "No. But thank you. I think El and I are going to head home…"
Casey smiled and stood up, "I'm glad you came in today. I know it wasn't an easy day...but it was good to see you and know you're doing alright."
Olivia smiled and hugged her, "Thank you for everything Casey."
Casey squeezed her back, "Nothing to thank me for." She pushed away from the desk, "I think I'll skip the pizza and head back to my office. I have some paperwork to finish. I'll call you guys tomorrow."
"Night Casey." Fin said, wiping his hands on a napkin, "How you doing Liv?"
She smiled and looked behind her where Elliot was standing in the hallway talking on the phone to his kids, "I'm...I'm hanging in there Fin. Despite everything I'm feeling really lucky."
"We got your back." John said softly, "We always will."
She smiled, "I know. And I appreciate that more than you know." She sighed and turned back to look at Elliot again, "About Thursday-"
"Another ten bucks you owe me my friend." John said nuding Fin, "She's trying to keep us from going. I told you it would happen before she left. You thought she'd last until tomorrow morning...and you call yourself her best friend."
Fin sighed and reached into his pocket before slapping the bill into John's hand, "You're killing me here Liv."
She couldn't help but laugh, "How much do you two bet on my life?"
"I think the biggest jackpot was when we would catch you and Elliot banging one out in the cribs." John said, "Casey won that one…250 bucks!"
"I thought we agreed to never discuss that again." Olivia said, putting a hand to her head.
"Yes. Please stop. I just erased that mental image from my mind." Fin said with a shudder.
John chuckled and stood up, "Okay. I will. However...you can try all you want Olivia but we'll be there by 9:30 on the dot."
She frowned, "No talking you out of it?"
Fin rolled his eyes, "Nope. Just like there will be talking you out of doing this in the first place. We can be just as stubborn as you."
Olivia leaned forward and kissed them both on the cheeks, "I'll see you both Thursday."
She turned to leave and caught Cragen standing in the entrance to his office. They stared at each other for a moment but she knew that nothing else needed to be said after their earlier conversation. He gave her a stiff nodd and she smiled back. Taking a deep breath, she walked out of the squad room and met up with Elliot just as he was finishing up his call. He smiled at her and slipped the phone into his pocket.
Together, they climbed in the elevator and rode down to the main floor. As they stepped outside, Elliot went to walk towards the car but she tugged on his hand. He turned back to her expectantly but she just smiled at him.
"What?" He asked softly, clearly concerned she was about to break after the long day, "You okay?"
She grabbed his shoulders and moved him a little to the left, "There."
He frowned, "There, what?"
She sighed happily, "This is the exact spot that you told me you chose me."
He opened his mouth, then closed it again and felt a rush of emotions, "You're right…"
She walked up to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and stared deep into his eyes, "Do you ever regret it?" He went to protest but she pushed on, "I mean do you ever miss who we were before...when we were just work partners?"
He sighed and put his hands on her shoulders, "Olivia I loved that part of our relationship. I'll never deny that. Sometimes I miss the ease in solving a case with you. We still work together in some capacity but it's different. But do I regret it?" She raised an eyebrow in question and he shook his head before pressing a kiss to her lips, "Not for a single second. I may have lost my work partner...but I gained a hell of a lot more."
She beamed up at him and leaned up to kiss him again, "Good answer Stabler."
He gave her a wink and went to turn to walk towards the car, "Come on. I'm starving. We should grab something on the way home."
"Actually…" She tugged at his hand again, "Can we make one other stop first?"
He turned to her and shrugged, "Sure. What do you need?"
She bit her lip, "I want to go see…" Her face flushed and lucky for her, he understood exactly what she was thinking.
He gave her a nod and squeezed her hand, "Come on."
Fifteen minutes later, Elliot parked the car in the cemetery and turned to his wife. She was looking out the window towards the direction of her Mother's stone. He took off his seatbelt and moved his body so he could wrap his arm around the back of her neck, he massaged it gently.
"Do you want me to go with you?" He asked softly.
Turning to face him, she smiled and put her hand on his knee, "Actually...I think I want to do this one alone."
He gave her a nod, respecting and understanding her decision, "I'll be right here."
She leaned across the console and pressed a kiss to his lips as a silent thanks. He watched as she unbuckled her seatbelt and exited the car. As much as he wanted to watch her...he knew she deserved and needed her privacy. So he took out his phone to occupy his time.
Olivia made the trek to the familiar grave stone. She didn't come often...but she could get there with her eyes closed. She had never been religious and didn't often see the point of visiting the cemetery. Elliot never pushed his religion on her, but she did go to church with him from time to time. She also knew that when their child was born, she would want them to share that with their father.
When she reached the stone, she looked around and noticed that someone had some flowers at her Mother's stone. She was confused at first and then she realized they were white roses. The same flowers that Cragen always brought to his wife's grave and a small smile tugged at her lips.
Taking a deep breath, she knelt down on the ground. She couldn't help but feel self conscious so she turned to look behind her wondering if Elliot was watching. But she smiled when she saw him on his phone, realizing that he was giving her the space she needed and she couldn't have loved him more.
She turned back to the stone and licked her lips, wondering where she should start. "Uh...hi Mom." She cringed at the sound of her voice, it sounded so odd to her, "Sorry it's been so long since I visited but…" She frowned and felt her heart start racing, "It's just...hard." She glanced around the cemetery again and wondered how she could possibly explain exactly how she was feeling to someone who wasn't even there.
"Um...there are a few things I thought you'd like to know." She smiled gently and slid a hand over her belly, "For starters...you will have a grandchild." She paused for a moment and whispered, "Not sure if you ever wanted...I mean considering you didn't plan on having m-"
She paused and put a hand to her forehead, "The real reason I'm here is that...I know who he is Mom. And I'm going to...I'm going to meet him." She felt the tears burning in her eyes, "I don't know if I'm making the right choice or if I've completely lost my mind. But...I do know one thing."
Leaning forward she traced the lines of her Mother's name. Their relationship had been beyond complicated. Some days she hated her Mother's existence and sometimes she missed her so much it hurt to think about her. But no matter what their relationship was or wasn't...she knew she needed to see this thing through.
"I will make sure he pays for what he did. To you...and to every other woman he hurt. I won't rest until it's done." She lay her hand flat on the stone and felt the cool hardness under her hand.
"I promise." She took a deep breath and stood up slowly, "I miss you Mom…"
She brushed her fingers against the stone again and then began to turn back to the car. She pulled her coat around her tighter feeling the cold air begin to seep into her skin. She wiped a tear away before slipping into the car beside her husband.
He turned back to her and smiled sadly, "You okay?"
She took a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah...I'm good."
He reached out and squeezed her hand, "Where to next?"
She smiled and pressed a hand to her stomach, "I think Baby Stabler would really like a vanilla shake from Shake Shack."
He chuckled, "And so the cravings begin…" She smiled back at him, "And where to after that?"
Lifting her hand, she touched his warm cheek and whispered, "I want to go home. With you. Hide away just for a little while longer while we can…"
He turned his face and pressed a kiss to her palm, "You got it."
He gave her a quick wink and then focussed on driving them to their destination.
After they had dinner and of course Olivia's shake...they had relaxed and watched a movie together. When she started to yawn, Elliot suggested going upstairs. He had slipped into the bathroom to take a shower and she was sitting at her vanity brushing her hair. She had stuck the ultrasound picture onto the corner of the mirror and was admiring it.
Elliot came out of the master bathroom. He was shirtless and rubbing a towel against his head, she didn't hear him coming into the room. He stood there, taking the opportunity to drink in the sight of her. It wasn't often that he got to admire his wife without her catching him. Sometimes it shocked him when he'd wake up and roll over beside her. He knew he had been in love with her for the better part of the last decade.
He just had never expected that she could possibly feel the same way. She was everything he could have dreamed of in a partner and a wife. Sometimes he expected to blink and realize it had all been some crazy dream. He'd wake up staring at her from across the space of their joined desks in the squad room. She'd throw something at him for staring and ask what he was thinking and he'd have to make up a lie on the spot.
But if this was a dream...he hoped he'd stay asleep forever. He saw the corner of her lips turn up in a smile and followed her gaze to the ultrasound picture on the mirror. He had five kids so this wasn't his first rodeo. But to be able to share this experience with her...it was just as exciting as the first time with Maureen. He knew that the next few months were going to be difficult. In more ways than one...but he also knew that he would do anything to make sure that both his wife and unborn child made it through it all.
There was no other choice.
He was so lost in thought he didn't notice that Olivia had stopped brushing her hair and was watching him from the mirror, "What are you thinking about Stabler?"
Snapping out of his daze he stepped further into the room, "You."
She smirked and turned on the stool, she stood up and walked up to him, "All good thoughts I hope?"
He smiled and tossed the towel over to the hamper, "The best."
She reached out and pressed a hand on his chest, "Do you remember our...first night together?"
The blush in her cheeks made him smile knowing that even after all this time she still felt as crazy about him as he did for her, "Of course I do. I'll never forget that night. Knowing you had finally let that wall down and let me in...it was the night I knew we were going to make it."
She smiled up at him and leaned all the way against his chest and let herself be transported to that night.
It was dark in her bedroom but the moon and city lights cast a soft glow into her bedroom. They lay tangled in the sheets together as their breathing started to go back to normal. Her head was resting on his chest, and her leg was flung over his. The sheet was draped lazily at their hips. Elliot was tracing shapes on her back making her laugh and at times shudder, her skin still sensitive from their love making.
He took a deep breath and kissed the top of her head, "Whatcha thinking Benson?"
She smiled against his chest and pressed a kiss just above his heart, "I'm thinking Casey was right. You
are hung like a -""Jesus." He said with a laugh, the rumble in his chest made her laugh back and he pushed her to her side, "Way to ruin a perfectly good moment…" He teased, "Although...I'll take the compliment."
She giggled and reached for him again, "Of course you will."
He sighed and twisted his body to look at her again, "But seriously...what are you thinking?" She didn't respond right away so he asked another question, "Why tonight?"
She took a moment to gather her thoughts before she lifted his large hand and started to trace the lines of his palm, "I guess...I got tired of waiting." He frowned and she pushed on, "I've spent my life running El. I thought if I stood still for too long everything I've been so afraid of would just swallow me whole. But the past few weeks have been...so different. Something I never expected."
He adjusted the sheet on his hip and pressed her further, "Okay...but what specifically happened tonight that made you ready?"
She smiled thinking about their night. Up until tonight, they had gone out for their dates. He treated her to every nice restaurant in the city. They had gone to the movies. Gone to the arcade with hids kids and she was even able to drag him to an art show. But tonight, she had convinced him to stay in with her. He was skeptical at first but she wanted it to just be the two of them. No loud restaurant patrons, no distractions from the city.
Just the two of them like it always had been. They had made dinner together in her small kitchen apartment and it all felt so...natural to her. They teased and joked. Talked about the day and the cases they were working on. They'd even stolen a few chaste kisses. Afterwards, he sprawled out on the couch and turned on a movie she had seen a dozen times. He had patted his chest and she lay down beside him and breathed in all that was Elliot Stabler.
And in that moment, she knew. There was no reason to be afraid anymore. He was hers and she was his. Nothing was ever going to change that. So she had turned in his embrace and he looked at her with a confused expression. Leaning down she had pressed a passionate kiss to his lips. He was frozen for a moment, knowing that she had been struggling with the more intimate part of their relationship. He had made a promise to her that he would be patient and he had no intention of breaking that promise.
It didn't make it any less hard though…
He had let her kiss him for a moment and then pushed her away gently, "Liv we don't-"
She smiled softly at him, reached for the clicker and turned it off. He watched her carefully as she moved off the couch and stepped around the coffee table. He sat up slowly and waited with baited breath. This had to be her choice. It was the only way. He wanted it more than anything but she had to be the one to make the move. She needed to let the wall down and allow him all the way in.
She smiled, but she didn't seem nervous. She seemed confident and sure and it sent a wave of emotion and desire through his very core. When she reached her hand out to him, he knew this was the moment they had been waiting for. So he stood up, slipped his hand into hers and let her lead him towards the bedroom.
That was hours ago...and now here they were basking in the many rounds of love making and he wanted to know why. She took a deep breath and slid closer to him, his hand went to her waist and she couldn't believe that it didn't freak her out that she was completely exposed to him. She'd never felt so secure or comfortable with a man and it only secured her decision that she was never letting him go.
"Nothing specific." She said with a shrug, "I just...I felt ready. I felt comfortable, safe…" She touched his lips gently before whispering honestly, "I felt...happy."
The dim light in the room reflected in his clear blue eyes and her heart jumped in her chest. She saw the corners of his lips turn up and he pulled her even closer, "Well good...then it sounds like I'm doing my job right. Those are all the things I want to make you feel. Everyday Liv…everyday."
She smiled as she moved to lay over him, more than ready for another round. They had a lot of time to make up for and she didn't want to hold back any longer.
"I'm going to hold you to that Detective." She smiled down at him before pressing her lips to his for a passionate kiss.
He responded just like she had hoped by grasping her hips and rocking her against him. She knew he was just as ready as she was and for the first time in a long time...she didn't feel scared.
And that was what made all the difference.
Olivia wrapped her arms around his shoulders and felt his hands begin to trace circles on her hips, "I'd say you more than lived up to your promise that night Elliot."
He smiled down at her, "You think so?"
She slid one hand up his neck and up to his cheek, "Yeah. You've spent the last five years making sure that I had everything I ever needed and wanted. And for that...and so many other reasons, I love you."
"You make it easy Liv. You asked me earlier if I missed who we used to be…" She raised an eyebrow in confusion, "Sometimes I miss that beginning when I really started falling. How intense it all was. And then I realize...I feel just as strongly about you now as I did then if not more. And each day...I still fall a little harder."
She felt tears brimming in her eyes and she cleared her throat trying to regain her composure, "Well Damn Stabler...if you wanted to get some tonight...you didn't have to try so hard."
He laughed and shook his head, leave it to her to break the spell he was under with a witty remark, "I'm serious, Liv. Today was hard...the last few days have been hard and the next few months will be even harder. But I am in awe of how you are handling this." She lowered her head, clearly thinking about how she had reacted the first day, he lifted his hand to tilt her chin up to meet his eyes, "You chose to do the right thing. You always do and you always will. I'm so damn proud of you."
She sighed and closed her eyes, letting herself live in this moment. She knew the coming months were going to be a whirlwind. And before she knew it...their son or daughter would be born. As excited as she was for that day...she also wanted to just be Elliot and Olivia for a little while longer.
"Take me to bed…" She whispered, her voice low and full of love and desire.
Tangling his hand in her hair, he pressed his lips to hers and made quick work of her shirt. Tossing it to the side he lifted her off the ground and felt her wrap her legs around his waist. Laying her down on their bed he stared down at her and wondered how and when he was able to get this lucky. She just smiled and pulled his face closer and in that moment, no other words needed to be shared.
No matter what happened in the next few months, nothing was going to break this. That was about the only thing either of them were sure of.
Busy next couple of days but I will update when I can!
Upnext- the official meeting and Olivia's emotions leading up to it and after.
I hope you continue to enjoy reading as much as I am enjoying writing this. Ps- The countdown is officially on for that Bensler reunion. Who is as excited as I am? I already know I'm going to cry like a baby! So excited!